I don’t know what more seems like a dream: Erin dying, or remembering that I had a daughter. Because neither seem real most days. Her memory is fading, at least in ways that make the absence very pronounced. Her “balloon” that she drew on in early July, all of the air suddenly came out on …
Category: Blog
Feb 19
Fighting for My Light
Yes, that’s a play on words. I am truly fighting for my light, which in this case is “life” as it is all that I have left in this “life” so to speak. In that regard, yesterday was a dark day. If I could describe what this level of sadness feels like to you, it …
Feb 18
Survival of the Lightest?
After posting This Little Light, I began thinking about survival. Survival instincts are what really spurred me to write the other blog post to start with. I had a bad night on 2/16, and as I was crying myself to sleep I had a fleeting thought of someone coming into my aunt’s home with a …
Feb 17
This Little Light
By now you probably figured out that I write mostly when my heart is heavy. And it is. There are many things that pile up that make even breathing too hard to bear. “Normal” people cannot understand it, and for good reason. I don’t judge them for it, because it is what it is, even …
Feb 10
Be-Reaved
It had not occurred to me that the meaning of bereaved was literally “torn apart.” That is exactly what happens to you during grief of any sort. While I have to admit to myself that losing a child must be the absolute worst, I also know that grief is relative to the situation and the …
Feb 03
Perspective – Where do I start?
Funny, as I was logging in I thought my first words would be “Where do I start?” Then as soon as I saw the Dashboard, I saw a draft from January 8 that says “Where do I start?” for the first words. Wow. Am I stuck in a loop? So let me start with my …
Jan 27
Matters of the Heart
Again, it has been several days since I last wrote. I am finding it harder and harder to speak about my feelings lately, and I’m unsure why. By the way, I just wrote “lastly” instead of lately, so I need to pay attention to that. I looked it up, the nerdy person that I am, …
Jan 21
The Age of Suffering
I haven’t written in a few days, and this time not because I am busy. I have become extremely depressed again. I have what I assume is PTSD, because I have vivid images and “movies” that play in my mind of Erin laying in the ICU, dying, the short time before she was unconscious, the …
Jan 18
Looks are Deceiving
I have been thinking lately about how everyone thinks I am so strong. They have no idea the strength it takes just to be alive every day. But they also have no idea how weak I am. For instance, although I am personally against the idea, I would sell my very soul in a heartbeat …
Jan 16
Into the Weird
I find that in the past few days, as I have been busy with work and other things, I have blocked my grief out as much as I possibly can. I both like and do not like how that makes me feel. Getting immersed in other people’s stuff makes me forget my own. But then …