Apr 05

Musings for 4/5/2017

Every day, this is what I feel like inside. Some days are worse. This week, it has been worse and what that means is that I cannot keep it inside and it must come out. For those of you who are grieving along side me, I am so very sorry…for you…for us.

Earlier in the week I spoke to a friend who is also on a grieving journey. During our conversation she asked if maybe I could help others, and we also discussed finding happiness etc. again in our lives. I gave her an honest answer and have had two days to think about this because I realize that I have more work to do emotionally, no matter the outcome. By that I mean that I have to process, come to realizations, and be able to live with things. I do not mean that it will magically make my life better or happier.

As you know I have really tried to be real and so I am going to be real now. But you won’t like hearing what I have to say and it’s probably not very helpful either. The truth is, grief does not get better. It simply becomes a part of your life, like chronic pain. How many of you have chronic pain? I don’t, but I’ve talked to many and read about it and the consensus is that you learn to live with it. You modify your routines and your life so that it doesn’t completely debilitate you and you just live with it. But the pain is still there. Others may think “Oh! Sallie is feeling great today. Or she must be because I don’t see her limping or wincing or complaining!” When the truth is that Sallie has just learned to live with her pain. Or maybe she’s on pain pills, which just means that the pain is still there but it’s being masked. Maybe she’s in excruciating pain but has made lemonade out of lemons and is smiling through it, trying to make you feel more comfortable while she enjoys time not being alone. Because if Sallie is a downer, then you won’t want to hang out, and she will be in pain and alone, which sometimes is preferable but sometimes sucks even worse (especially when it’s because people don’t want to be around you).

All of us have grieved and will grieve, but not all grief is the same measure of length, depth, and intensity. All of those are based on the bond of love and thus the degree of feeling separation. I wish that I could give you the gift of knowing MY grief for just a few seconds, and with it the chance to recoil at your leisure never having to know that feeling again. Just like the commercial where the woman’s mother wears some device that let’s her feel her daughter’s migraine pain, it provides a pathway to empathy and understanding.

The truth is, there is no hope for this to “feel better.” There is no hope to move on, to be happy, to be anything really except to get to a place where I can stuff it down deep enough to act normally and perhaps forget it for a few minutes. How could I possibly help another when my first thought (at hearing someone’s child has died) is in regards to how this will be a lifetime of sadness, a prison sentence. I have no words of encouragement. I do have love. I have a lot of love, and empathy, but no words of encouragement.

And if you really look at life here on good old planet Earth, who is really happy? Yes, happiness is a state of mind. Every one of us is making lemonade out of lemons. Perhaps it’s a shitty job, or not enough money, or the three kids you love dearly make life a challenge (you still love them but life isn’t easy). Maybe you are in a bad relationship, or somehow otherwise got the short end of the stick. Daily life is a struggle. Why do you think so many people go out on a bender all weekend after they get paid on Friday? It’s because that’s all the enjoyment they have got, and by enjoyment I mean they get tanked, have some fun, and forget about their problems for awhile. But either way daily life is a struggle, and we try to enjoy it as best as we can while getting through it. We try to find the good points, the love, etc. and focus on those instead of the negative. And we HAVE TO DO THAT, because otherwise we would all just give up.

Does it have to be a struggle? I really cannot see why it does. I feel like something is horribly wrong here and we are just adept at accepting our fate. Many say “It’s God’s will.” Really? God wants you to suffer, be poor, sick, etc? Why? Some others would say it’s the dark forces, or Satan. And still others “Earth is a learning place. We come here to learn.” Well look folks, these somewhat contradictory points of view really just divided and conquered us, locking us in to one shitty thing or another but spun as something good and valuable. I ask with all sincerity, WTF???

And as I ask that, I acknowledge that I have gotten tremendous value and wisdom from my life experiences, both negative and positive. Even the most painful ones, I do not want to forget, ever, because I do not want to lose the value. But I am calling BS on “this,” whatever this is. I’m not entirely sure what this is, but it’s not good or right and it isn’t kind and loving. I have learned that if it’s not kind and loving, then it’s not where you need to be. So why, why are we here in this place of awful suffering, instead of somewhere kind and loving? I have no idea.

My flow is gone and so I know that’s the end of today’s tirade. I feel like it was a tirade anyway, but one that needed to be expressed even if no one reads it. I see you Illusion! And I’m coming for you!

#missingerin with every breath I take. At least I forgot for a few moments how horribly sad and how painful this is <3

 

Mar 27

Musings for 3/27/2017

Greetings! I have no idea why I am saying Greetings but that was running through my mind. Actually it was Greetings Earthlings. I’ve always said I’m not from here LOL…

Over the weekend I had a mixture of a lovely time and a huge change in perspective, along with some sadness. First let me tell you about my lovely time.

I went down to Auburn to my sorority chapter’s Golden Anniversary. So just to be clear, it was the Alpha Chi Omega, Epsilon Zeta chapter’s 50th anniversary on campus at Auburn University. I was in college for the 25th but didn’t attend because I didn’t want to go with my date (LOL). Yes, I am old I guess.

I stayed with old friends and sisters and it was so great reconnecting. Honestly it felt like we just picked up where we left off. We saw some upper classmates and reconnected with them and it was a great time. On Friday evening we attended the cocktail reception at the Marriott Grand National hotel in Opelika, and then returned on Saturday for the luncheon. It was very cool seeing the remaining founding chapter members, and some familiar names and faces who are national leaders still, as they were when I was in college. I got my 25 year pin and watched the charter members get their 50 year pins. That might have been the neatest part. You could tell how excited these women were and how much it meant to them. So I was happy to clap for each one of them as they received their pins and honors.

On Saturday evening we went to a sports bar and then over to the “real” bars. I have to tell you, it wasn’t like that when I was down there. Going in there I feel like I’m in some movie scene with hundreds of partying, dancing college students. We had a few bars back then but they weren’t that fun, and we mostly just had parties or hung out at fraternity parties. At some point though, I realized that these kids really could be my kids, and some nice “young man” called me ma’am in the bar and then another one at McDonald’s at 2am. I kept telling them to please not call me ma’am and they both said they just had to. UGH. I am too old to be partying with them I guess (other than that fact I’m getting too old for this shit anyway LOL!). Oh, and icing on the cake was the woman who was close enough to our age walking up saying “Oh! It’s great to see people with wrinkles!” Damn, do we have that many?!

It was somewhat sad sitting in the luncheon, though. I heard the speakers talking about the multiple generations of AXO families in the room. One had 4 generations. Of course I have no one to pass my legacy on to even if I wanted to. And funny, I never cared before. But it’s sad to know why that isn’t an option. I really just had to stuff it down so that I didn’t get upset and cry. Unfortunately that means I had to turn off my emotions nearly completely and that is a process that has to be reversed. It’s like rebooting your computer after it locks up. Takes awhile to come back online.

It is nice to know, though, that AXO supports domestic violence victims and empowering women. Even though I am not active in the alumni chapter here I can get on board with those causes. Women need to be empowered these days more than ever. We sort of got over the hump and in the last 10-15 years we have just let it go as our rights are being chiseled away slowly and no progress is being made. As I was explaining to someone earlier, it’s a symptom of the disease. The disease is that we cannot trust our fellow humans to treat everyone fairly or with equal rights, and unfortunately, that means we legislate to force people to do that. It’s really not the best fix but it’s some protection at least. I could go on about the desecration of women’s rights over the last 2-3000 years but I’m sure I would begin to bore you. Just remember that in the 1970’s your mother could not get her own credit card without a man’s signature, and that when you are “given away” ownership is passed from your father to your husband. It may be symbolic now, but the energy is powerful. Empower yourself ladies. I am cheering you on.

And with that my flow is gone. I’m really tired, and I really am too old for this but it sure is fun every so often! Thank you ladies for making my weekend full of love and fun and just a great time! <3 <3

#missingerin #LovingErin Blessings and Namaste!

Mar 15

Musings for 3/15/2017

Oh I just had to! Hehe! The Ides of March has given me some giggles this morning. I saw another where it was a Caesar salad and was just a bowl of lettuce with a bunch of knives stabbed into it. My kind of humor!

All jokes aside (or maybe not), I decided this morning to draw a tarot card. I haven’t in awhile. I’ve told you tons of times how I get into “funks” and just do nothing, or very little, and then have to make myself motivated again. I’ve been in one of those regarding writing here. I started writing on Monday and scrapped it, but the tarot has me writing again.

I meant to draw A card, but instead when I cut the deck 3 cards fell out for me so I turned them over in order. Two of Swords, Death, and a reversed Hermit. I actually smiled as these are so appropriate.

The Two of Swords is a lady sitting blindfolded with her face in between two crossed swords. Swords are truth – they cut to the truth. But the thing about this lady, she can remove the blindfold and move away from this “crossroads” at any time. She isn’t bound. She is just not taking action. She is stuck in a quagmire of her own making. Yep, that’s me!

The Death card often scares the hell out of people. And if I had an illness I would be unnerved. But in most cases Death symbolizes out with the old and in with the new. It’s even more powerful than the Tower card in my opinion. The Tower may be further along the journey than Death, but it leaves the pieces of what has blown to bits and you can try to put them back together. Death is just that – death of a habit, a relationship, parts of self, so on and so forth. It paves the way for new beginnings that might even be unknown to you as you have no pieces. It’s card 13 in the Major Arcana (The Tower is card 16). 1+3=4 which is the number of the heart chakra. I think that it’s very fitting, although I would have to speculate on the many things not serving me currently that need to “die.”

Then the Hermit, reversed. The Hermit has a nice lamp lighting his way but he is alone. Sometimes this alone-ness is needed, but honestly, I have become a recluse both physically and even somewhat in the cyber world. The Hermit reversed is telling me it is time to walk my path with others. I have gone past the healthy point, which I do know, but needed to see it.

I’m actually still smiling about my cards today. It was like an old friend stopping along to give me advice. And it was, because it was ME! The Tarot are just tools to connect with our Soul-Selves and sometimes our guides or guardian angels. Even if I am not hearing or feeling the message, seeing it in print will get my attention usually.

It also gives me some clarity on issues that I tried to write about on Monday. Honestly I felt like I was just complaining so I scrapped the whole thing. I am also having an irritation moment with someone I know who I no longer find myself liking very much, and I asked for clarity on that yesterday. It seems I got it in this all encompassing message.

Over the last few weeks I have had a tremendous amount of difficulty accomplishing anything that involved other people, or even equipment. Multiple calls to my cable company, multiple visits to the service center, and on Sunday I was treated horribly by 3 agents, the last of who was polite but refused despite repeated requests to get me to a supervisor to complain about the first two. It was like I was not connecting (which was my internet problem and TV too!) but I could not see that at the time. I also have had trouble trying to schedule companies to come install a water filter and the associated granite hole for the spout, as well as landscaping. It’s like I speak but they do not communicate with me despite multiple questions and detailed answers (on my part).

Even the granite driller guy was more interested in my indoor trim than he was drilling the hole (because he may have trimmed my house out when he worked in that industry). I honestly had a hard time getting rid of him after he was done with the hole drilling!

I have also had issues with my phone not ringing. I know it’s not because I see voicemail pop up, but it has not rang and is right in front of me. Ya think I have a connection problem? I see it now thanks to The Hermit.

I have desired since I “woke up” on this spiritual path to be of service to others, and I know that I cannot do that in a vacuum. The person I am irritated with, I get it now. I perceive this person as being so self-absorbed that they will never take others advice, never take responsibility for the consequences of their actions, and constantly take from others. While I don’t feel I am this way, I think it was showing me the end-result of being wrapped up in your own reality bubble to the point you no longer see the bubbles of others or your effect on them unless it bumps your bubble too hard. We may have our own bubbles, but we are connected to the whole (think of a beehive structure) and we are not islands!

So full circle here…I have become an island. I may be an island of refuge but too much of even a good thing is not great. So I hear you Hermit, and Death, and Two of Swords lady. It might be easier to get off my ass if I knew what to get off of it and actually do, but I hear you. I guess it doesn’t matter which fork in the road I choose as long as it is kind, loving, and in integrity.

Oh, and thank you to the person I was irritated with. I’m sending you my gratitude along the beehive/bubble pathways, but you just aren’t for me right now. I wish you well on your journey though.

And y’all wish me well while taking the PMP exam on Monday. I have been so stressed about this that my physical body is suffering. Only 5 more days though. I have studied hard and expect to pass, and then go on to the next leg of my IT career (which I actually enjoy and am quite good at!).

Blessings, peace, love, kindness, and all things good to you today. Namaste! #missingerin and #LovingErin <3

Feb 28

Musings for 2/28/2017

I was absentmindedly thinking today and suddenly got a download. I had asked my higher self to tell me how to lovingly communicate to others that fear is not the answer, and more so what that actually means since not everyone equates their emotions and actions with the core emotion of fear. It was then that I suddenly understood more about my overall journey, and so I want to share that story with you all today.

Many eons ago, I was a genetic engineer of sorts in Atlantis or at least in the Atlantean empire. I have seen this in a past life regression…I was of some sort of aristocracy and life was very rigid. While I enjoyed a lot of privilege, I was expected to feel and act in certain ways and was monitored by a red stone attached to my 3rd eye area (between the brow). The person doing my regression told me that they had a lot of clients who saw this red stone, living in this area where we have Redstone Arsenal and he didn’t think it was a coincidence. Neither do I.

In the period that I witnessed from the now, I was in charge of the monitoring and development of a group of children of many different genetic hybrid species. They all thought of me as their mother and I adored each and every one of them. It wasn’t supposed to be that way though, and you can imagine the despair I felt having to perform experiments on them, some of which resulted in their death. They were not seen as people, much like the slaves were viewed in American history. I could not take it anymore and I attempted to flee.

This regression was probably around 2010, and I have thought about it once or twice in the past several years. Mostly in the context of the fall of Atlantis and the dispersion of the Atlanteans across the world afterward. But today, Maya (my higher self’s name) showed me the rest of the story in full Paul Harvey fashion.

It hurt to love, and I was powerless as a caring and kind person. I also ended up abandoning my “children” to escape the responsibility and the pain that went with it. And while I don’t have other lifetime memories right now to examine, I do have the knowledge that in this present life, I have lived both sides of this trauma again. This time, though, I think I have learned from it.

I started out in this life with an adoring father and a mother who loved me, but I think she was a bit jealous of the attention I got and so was emotionally cut off from me from an early age. Then my father died when I was 4, and by age 7 my mother had not only emotionally but also mostly physically abandoned me as she began her life as a dating woman. I had serious abandonment issues from early childhood and control issues as well. I could not control my environment either at home or otherwise, and the person who should have been giving me a safe place to exist couldn’t be counted on. I can imagine my “children” from so long ago felt much the same way.

Sometime around the 7th grade my mother said to me “Are you popular at school?” That must have been a predestined trigger, because I promptly ditched every friend I had and became someone else. I adopted the attitudes of the popular kids, their dress, their mannerisms. Most of that was not a positive change. Many of these other kids were mean, wealthy, and privileged. They were not kind, and they weren’t kind to me because I was an outsider. Around the time I was about to have a mental breakdown, I went even deeper into this persona and excelled at it for many years thereafter.

But let’s talk about what it DID do for me…it protected my loving, confused, and broken heart. I TOOK control and I enforced my will upon whomever I could. It appeared to me that it was either eat or be eaten, and some part of me could not withstand being eaten again. And I didn’t care that it was at the expense of others. In fact, I walled off empathy and compassion completely for many years.

Years later in college, the hard shell began to crack. I saw people being treated badly for being different and I didn’t like it, but I didn’t yet know what to do with it. I also was a history major with an anthropology minor, and it was making wheels turn. It was changing me.

By the late 1990’s I found the Nibiruan Council while doing research for a paper in the Traditional Epic class I was taking in graduate school. It flipped all of the right switches for me and the information felt very natural. I also began intense emotional clearing. For those of you who don’t know what that is, you examine all of your hurts, your anger, your guilt and shame – all of those lower emotions. And you peel back to the onion so to speak, and you forgive yourself, the others involved, you see the lessons and value, and you heal and dump baggage. Without doing that work back then and much in between then and now, I would not be here.

I have spoken about my regrets, sometimes in detail and sometimes generally. I have to admit that I was jealous of Erin and Shaun’s relationship much like I assume my mother was. I let Shaun and my problems permeate everything I did and didn’t do as well. I spent a lot of time away from my family and on the computer because I felt like no one would let me have time to myself. Sometimes I would spend extra time if I was asked to get off and come join them, just out of spite. I resented that he liked to do family time watching TV and that Erin also thought that was spending time together. I was chronically tired and would throw fits if she wanted to come sleep with us. I was very unloving at times, and yet I loved her fiercely.

Mind you, some of these things I did not see clearly until after she was gone. I would never have spited her, although I did once and that’s another story. I thought I knew how to love unconditionally but the truth is that I did not, as I had never experienced that feeling before myself and so how could I know? No one had ever loved me unconditionally, although I’m sure Erin did looking back.

I also managed and controlled everyone in my chaotic household to the best extent that I could. And when she got sick, I desperately tried to control that too. I pulled out every tool in my book, spoke explicitly to the doctors (i.e., controlled the information) and tried to let them work their process while I kept tabs. A few days before she died, I admitted to myself that I am not in control. Of anything. Period. And I never was. At times I had been able to brute force something energetically that I wanted or needed but that wasn’t control. It was just where the energy was flowing. I was directly opposed to all that the universe had to offer me by doing this, instead of asking to be guided to the answers.

It wasn’t very long after she was gone that I realized that I had experienced pure, unconditional love. I now know what it feels like. Which is wonderful and uplifting. It came at such a dire price though. Whether this life is an illusion or not, it’s real enough while we are in it and it hurts. A lot.

I told you all of this to say that all of my deep seated fears came back to me in this life. All of my shame and guilt, and regret. Instead of pushing myself into further separation, though, I get it now. Love is the only way. I wish I could touch you or otherwise communicate it without words, and then you could feel and see it as clearly as I do. Because unconditional love, the Christ Consciousness love, cannot be described with words. That is why Jesus showed us through his actions, although he did have some great quotes to go along with those.

I have more rolling around in my mind but have the feeling I should stop now before I muddy the message. Blessings and peace to you all. Much love, and Namaste. And #missingerin until I am beside her again <3

Feb 21

Musings for 2/21/2017

I had a post started for 4 days now. I finally deleted it after I admitted to myself that I am so far down in the dumps that writing about being excited about, well anything, was not the energy I am feeling. I need to work this out like a math problem so let me backtrack to the last full moon around February 10th or 11th.

I had some pretty powerful dream experiences where I saw my mother and Erin several times, and anyway, it occurred to me after speaking with a friend that I was glimpsing the new timeline. If I’ve lost you, sorry. I have been pondering timelines for years and am convinced that we are collapsing the stray ones as we speak at this time in the Earth’s history. If you’re interested you’ll have to do some reading on quantum physics, the Mayans, and maybe even some new age stuff.

So I intended on the night of the full moon that I accept the new timeline into my life and release the old one. And I felt so good about it, excited, hopeful even. And then I forgot all about it.

Well last week I started having very strong and daily grief again. It has become difficult to go out to eat with Shaun. As soon as we are seated I immediately feel the missing presence of Erin, and it ruins my entire meal. I fight tears as I try to make small talk and eat my food. What I really want to do is to scream out how badly I am hurting, how much I miss her, and how everything sucks without her here. And let’s not forget how I am slowly dying inside, painfully dying, and extremely miserable and don’t know how I will continue to go on.

This is now a daily thing again. I have cried buckets already today, and have that deep longing in my heart that only being with my child again can fix. I don’t expect you to understand unless your child has also been ripped away from you. It’s not something you can fathom.

It’s like I’m grieving anew, nearly as strong as I did in the earliest days. I’ve started having PTSD again too about her time in the hospital and otherwise. I can even smell it. Yay for me.

I haven’t bothered yet to mention that I’m also having trouble with basic knowledge and stuff I’ve been studying. Like I’m re-learning it. I guess I let go of part of that stuff when I accepted the new timeline. And now I’m a little afraid of this new world that I find myself in. I always bite off more than I can chew and end up choking on it for a bit. I guess that’s what I did here – jumped right in. But oh well, whatever. The past and present sure sucks so I guess I am all in for some adventure into the new.

Thanks for listening. It’s still a daily struggle to deeply know that my child died so that, in the grand cosmic scheme of things, I could truly know and understand love.

After note: Before I could hit publish, I came across this article. I encourage you to read it, as it talks about how the consciousness (soul) is eternal. http://www.homeplanetearth.org/quantum-theory-proves-consciousness-moves-another-universe-death/

Love and blessings <3 #missingerin

Feb 16

Musings for 2/16/2017

I have forgotten where I got this from so my apologies to the artist, but isn’t it gorgeous? It embodies my vision of my journey back to source. Could be Source, could be the source (beginning) of my journey, could be a next step. Who knows. All that I know is that I woke up on the 13th knowing that we have past the point of return and that it is now that we embody our missions, or not. You can use the metaphor of wheat and chaff if you will. Hopefully I’m headed wherever this beautiful road is going <3

I want to share my dream from the night of the 12th with you. It was very dark but it’s important to share because it wasn’t just for me. It was for and about where we are going as a collective. I became aware as I was standing before a Native American warrior in a full feathered headdress. He was not combative, though, and as I became aware that I was going to kill him and use his meat for food, he seemed to also be resigned to his fate. I used his own rock and wood spear to make a hole in his neck, and laid him down as the blood drained from his now lifeless body. At this point, I put his meat in the cooker and was very careful to save his headdress. In Native symbolism, the feathers represent acts of bravery, and perhaps this brave act of bowing to fate was this warrior’s bravest act. I knew I must save the headdress, but was very disturbed when the facial skin came off with it. I was busy and so laid it aside. It was somewhat like a mask.

At this point I smelled a foul smell, and so did the people I was feeding. They were relying on me for food, but said that they could not eat the meat as it smelled spoiled. I agreed and threw it out, and then was disturbed that I had killed this man for nothing and began to feel guilty. We disposed of his body in some sort of garbage pile, and still disturbed about the facial skin, I gathered up the headdress/mask and disposed of it as well.

Right now we as a global people are befouled by what we clamor to for sustenance. That includes actual food, our entertainment, money, things, etc. We take no matter what the cost (such as life) and do not give any thought to what the consequences are (i.e., the foul meat). I woke feeling that this dream showed me that the ancient prophecies are now in play, that things have progressed to a point that those of us who know are resigned to our fate. But we are bravely resigned, knowing that those who continue to fear and act in greed and anger will not get what they thought they bargained for. I also feel that the “mask” shows us the illusion of all things. This dream was a fantastic metaphor that enriched my understanding of where we are now greatly.

What happens next may be painful, but our attitudes and reactions are what matter most. Do we continue to be greedy? Do we support people who will fill our pockets with money and food, but at the expense of others? Or do we trust that we will be taken care of and supported, and pass that kindness and love on to others?

I have been called to be a lighthouse in this lifetime. I lovingly give my light to you so that you might find understanding and refuge. I hope that you will be enriched by it, and then choose to reflect your own light so that others might have the same refuge. I’m excited about our wild ride together, as it’s what I am here for this time around. And you too, even if you don’t remember it.

And thank you to whomever my Native American guide is. I did not recognize you in the dream but I am sure that you popped in to share that important message with me. I woke up with new purpose and a knowing I haven’t had in a very long time. I know the time is now, and I am ready and willing to serve.

Much love to everyone. Peace, blessings, and Namaste <3 And #missingerin <3

 

Feb 06

Musings for 2/6/2017

I could not write over the past week because I have been so irritated. Irritated with people, with ignorance, with divisiveness, with their fears, and with their unkind and unloving manner. I don’t care who started it or who acted like x, y, or z. You end it. Stop acting like an ass. Or at least stop acting like you are kind and loving. Just say you aren’t and move on in honesty.

So with that said, I don’t like feeling irritated. For one, there is nothing that I can do about how you act. I can only do something about how I act. I was also picking up on the angst in the collective consciousness. It’s the same thing as mob mentality where a feeling such as anger, worry, etc. blows like wildfire through the people in a group or crowd. In our case it’s our country. Everyone is pointing fingers, mad at their neighbors, saying my side is better than yours, I don’t like those people, etc. Wake up though folks…and remember that divided WE FALL.

I have had to let it go. I don’t know what my role is right now. I am a spiritual warrior and I will stand up for what is fair and kind and loving. I will stand up for the underdog in a heart beat if they are being mistreated, and I will do so at my own peril. I’m also concerned about women’s issues. I see our rights being eroded away but what can I do? I’m already awake to this fact. I think now that I just need to sit back and let those newly awakened and emboldened ones find their wings and cheer them on as they fly. Then one day I will know what to do and will take my place wherever that may be. Right now I cannot add value and so I will just love and practice kindness. And when I get irritated, I will do my best to silently work it out. My feelings or irritation are my problem, not yours, so silence is golden.

Something else that I am being guided strongly to say right now is that people need to open their minds to the fact that (I would say) most of us who support women’s reproductive rights – yes abortion – do not support an all out free for all abortion fest. There are several circumstances where a woman needs the right to choose. No, not because she carelessly had sex and knew the consequences. And no, not after a certain point in the pregnancy. But yes, there are circumstances and we have a human right to make an informed decision and take care of our bodies, minds, and spirits. I don’t recall the Bible stating at which point a soul attaches to a human embryo either, so save that argument for your late night insomnia bouts and hash that out with yourself.

Something else to consider is that if a woman becomes pregnant, support her. I can tell you AS A WOMAN and FROM EXPERIENCE that sometimes women are other women’s worst enemies. Women will tell you that they care, and then they will talk bad about you behind your back for doing things they also do. Like having sex. Or getting pregnant out of wedlock (why do we even care these days?), or doing those things and then not being able to afford to care for your child, or whatever. I bet you’ve done it. When I was in high school, and long after, I would never admit to having sex. I was doing it and my friends were doing it, but if I had admitted to it I would have been called a slut and a whore. I saw people who did get pregnant and who did carry their babies go to great lengths to hide it. Can you imagine the poor child who felt unloved from the start? I’m sure it was as awful for the children as it was for the parent. Maybe if we had a healthier view of sex in our society kids wouldn’t be getting pregnant and having sex. I personally had a bad example as well as a lack of information as I never had “the talk.” How many other kids have it that bad, or worse? Probably lots.

By the way, in Biblical times onward, virginity was considered a virtue because the husband needed to ensure that those were his children. So all of the burden was put on the female. Thanks guys.

I had no idea I was going to write this all today by the way. And I’m in quite a mood after doing so. Don’t even get me started on #dresslikeawoman . You might get an ear full.

Oh yeah, and I’m also depressed today. Was yesterday too. Sometimes the full weight of Erin’s absence just weighs on me like nobody’s business. #missingerin

So I leave you with that, and I have a tremendous urge to wear a pink vagina hat and go march downtown somewhere. Don’t worry though. I’m way too lazy for that and I haven’t showered yet 🙂

Peace, love, blessings, and Namaste. Really – Namaste. <3

Jan 30

Musings for 1/30/2017

Oh my goodness, can you even stand the hate? I can’t. Does everyone understand that the founding of America was done “illegally” and that we took someone else’s land when we invaded? I suspect in some cases, those who flocked here also fled as refugees from an oppressive government or some other type of situation. It’s a very ironic argument that they make to keep others out, and a very sad commentary on us as people. I’m personally ashamed.

If you are rolling your eyes at me, please just click unfriend. I won’t judge you and maybe you will lift a burden from me because I can’t bear to unfriend some of you. I keep hoping that you are kind and loving in your heart and just reacting from fear. Ok – I misspoke that. I keep hoping that you will remember that you are acting from fear. Fear is at the root of hatred and the “us vs them” mentality. There is no us vs them. There is only US. Perhaps that was a good joke our founders played when they named us the United States (US). They were fairly wise dudes, so I suspect it wasn’t lost on them.

More irony…I went to a multi-year high school reunion on Saturday night for my alma mater, the Lee High Generals. It was so much fun and I’m glad I went. One of my classmates said something profound and very true, and that was I wish we had known each other better in high school. ME TOO! And that goes to most of the people I saw and hung out with on Saturday. I say most because the a few others I do know better, but I wish I had known you all better.

Do you know why I did not? Simply put, US vs THEM. Maybe they didn’t look right, or they were weird (I’m so weird – did y’all not know? LOL!), or they were in one sorority (yep, we had ’em) and I was in another. Or hell – I was a cheerleader and maybe they were on danceteam? Lived in the wrong neighborhood? You get the picture. Us vs them. And I am ashamed of that, but I am so glad that I woke up and am not that person anymore. I wish that for all of you. It is liberating and opens your heart.

I cannot express just how much I enjoyed seeing all of you on Saturday. It really was nice to see each and every one of you and hug your necks and have some laughs. Why we don’t do it more often is beyond me – we should.

I still love you if you are hateful and exclusionary, but I am going to be loving you from afar. They also weren’t joking when they said United we stand, divided we fall. Us vs them is a fallacy, one you’ve been sold to divide your attention and it stirs up endless, meaningless conflict. It’s time to embrace unity folks. We are citizens of Earth even if we are still divided by countries and the imaginary lines around them.

I’m going to leave you with The New Colossus, by Emma Lazarus, the poem inscribed on the Statue of Liberty. And I’m going to remind you all of my sweet Erin’s example. She did not see color, or religion, or how rich or poor you were. She saw people, and she loved them all (even the ones who treated her badly).

The New Colossus

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,

With conquering limbs astride from land to land;

Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand

A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame

Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name

Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand

Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command

The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.

“Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she

With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

Jan 23

Musings for 1/29/2017

I hope TZ didn’t mind me sharing her quote. She has some great ones and I love whatever program this is that puts them into a graphic.

I have been reading divisive words all day and it has taken it’s toll on me. I’m really not sure why I continued reading, or replying, to some of the FB threads I have been on.

I always try to be nice even if someone has said something not nice because two wrongs don’t make a right. Some of the stuff I have read (not directed at me) has been so harsh it makes my heart hurt. Does no one understand being loving and kind? I’m starting to wonder. If you ever wonder why light workers and way showers get so burned out, picture a zombie movie where someone fought hard but then gets surrounded, pounced on, then eaten. That’s what it feels like right now. I know I’m not the only beacon in the world or even in my general area, and even if I’m just a candle, there are others. The thing is, it’s hard. The weight of the darkness is heavy and sometimes it completely blocks out the light.

As I watch people with excuses for being ugly to others, it hurts me. They use religion. They use their views on money, politics, race, you name it and they use it. And they justify being ugly to others and most of us just let them. We don’t say “Hey, that is not ok.” We don’t know how. We’ve been told if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all. We don’t want to see or hear the truth because it’s uncomfortable. It hurts, it stings, it disappoints. It can also be wonderful, but we’ve been conditioned to expect otherwise, and so we avoid truth. Just look at the recent “Alternative Facts” debacle. The truth sort of sucked so they made up truths, which as you know you can’t do. I know it is more palatable to the one telling false truths, but we as people have to decide if accepting “it” as truth is more palatable to us. Red or blue pill folks – it’s your choice and you have to make that choice.

I have struggled with FaceBook all day actually. I don’t like to unfriend people. I really don’t even like to unfollow them. I am accepting of most people out there and find something to appreciate in all of them, so I have a diverse group of friends. Maybe I held my own feet to the fire so long this morning so that I can finally make a decision to just unfriend some of those unkind people. Not the ones who are unkind on occasion, but the ones who are consistently unkind. Because you know what? If that’s how you are on FB that’s how you are. And that makes me sad, mostly for me because I wanted to like having you in my life even if it was just online. I really don’t like goodbyes at all, not even with people I just met, in case you wondered why I don’t like watching the door close. We are all One and connected. If you ever feel it, you will know that it’s not just a new age saying but truth and real. But here in 3D, the illusion of separation seems very real. That’s why being apart from someone you deeply care about hurts so much.

I have no immediate plans to unfriend anyone, and I still do not know why I had the odyssey that I did today. I know I don’t like this space that I am immersed in but am trying to go with the flow. There is always something to learn and profit from in a wisdom sense if you stay in the flow. But it’s not all fun and games. Today has definitely not been fun and games.

Without focusing on what I don’t want or what I’m against…which is really tough to do in most of our mindsets including mine…I am for kindness. I am for love. I am for equality. I am for strength and health and ease. I am for compassion. I AM, and so IT IS.

Love, peace, blessings, and Namaste. <3 <3 <3 <3 #missingerin and #LovingErin

 

 

Jan 18

Musings for 1/18/2017

I sincerely hope that Abraham-Hicks doesn’t mind me using their quote/pic. It had great meaning for me yesterday and that’s what I want to write about today. I have been quiet again. It’s hard to explain why I become paralyzed and unable to interact with the exception of meaningless posts on FaceBook, and for undetermined amounts of time. So maybe I’ll stop apologizing for it (that’s a laugh!) and just say what I have to say.

When I read this yesterday and snagged it, I cried. The first three sentences perfectly describe Erin’s illness, her loss, and the second portion of it describes what I am trying very hard to do now. I have no idea what the context of this quote is. I suppose that I could look it up but it doesn’t really matter since this is a perfect summary.

I spent my entire life trying to control my circumstances. As a fairly young child I had no control over the chaos happening at home. As I grew older I grew angry that my mother wouldn’t give me a stable home life, and I had some degree of success – sometimes – using anger to get her to fall in line. That usually meant I was either bullying her into coming home, or into making whoever was there leave. I was frequently alone and then when she was there, it was utter chaos in the form of drunkenness, sex, and/or general inappropriateness for children. As I got older and more formidable, I could control it a bit better or so I thought. I was really just able to push things away but never bring them closer.

I had a terrible time when I went to college. I had no control! The thermostat, the noise level, you name it, no control. I am ashamed at some of the ways I acted while trying to cope, but the need for control will do that for you. And then when Shaun and I moved in together…we were a lot alike but I could not control him. In fact, the more I tried the more he pushed back. He’s stubborn that way but it was for a purpose that I just couldn’t see at the time.

The joke here is that none of us are in control of anything…except our actions and reactions. That’s all that we get to choose and we are in complete control of those, and have complete responsibility for them. Anything else is beyond our scope of control.

Keep in mind that I have great manifesting power. I mistook this for control. Like when I had terrible credit and needed a car I managed to get one and pay for it. That was a need, and the universe provides for our needs no matter what. Wants are a different story. We don’t always understand the difference between what we need and what we want. It’s hard for us to see with our 3D, physical minds and hearts. Fate and destiny have a huge role. If it’s not meant to be, or if it is, there is little we can do about it even if we worry. In fact, that just makes it worse.

So when Erin got sick, I put a lot of energy into a healing outcome. I brute forced a lot of stuff that just didn’t stick because it wasn’t meant to. I finally, in her last hours, admitted to myself and to Archangel Michael that I was not in control and needed help. Michael is like a cosmic brother to me. I don’t talk about the “woo woo” stuff here much anymore, because many of my readers since Erin have different interests. But I’m going to talk about it now because he is near and dear to me, as if we have known each other for eons. I am not in control. Wow…a lifetime of self-protection out the window in just five words.

I knew I had control issues. That was all that I had at my disposal to shield myself from the onslaught that was my childhood and I thought that at least when I grew up and had my own house that I could control that, right? That I would have a safe, warm, comfy and quiet sanctuary to call my own. It never turned out that way although now, the joke is on me. It’s overly quiet here now. That’s irony for you.

Control was the next best thing to love. I never felt loved unconditionally, and I never loved unconditionally. I learned that. I had no idea what that looked like. It truly means you feel love with no conditions. I love you even though you are a serial killer – and you really feel it. Doesn’t mean you allow them to harm others. It just means you unconditionally love.

Shaun and I wasted many years trying to control each other, taking things personally when what we saw in the other had nothing to do with us. We let it flow over onto our family relationship. And, of course, in the spirit of fear that she would be harmed or turn out badly, we exerted our control over Erin. I’m sure I was overbearing. I wish that I could explain to her why.

After two weeks in intensive care, I still didn’t know it was the end but I was forever changed. I could not have put it into words yet but I finally got it. The night her body died, I knew it was a life long sentence I had been dealt. And as the months have passed, it became clear that somehow “they” expected me to use this as a catalyst to return to a vibration of joy and unconditional love. If I can do it, after all of this, anyone can. It’s will be etched into the world psyche as a template (which I will have to explain later) for others to access.

Well, I discovered unconditional love. Again, the joke is on me. I finally got it and Erin isn’t here to share it with. Now you say you want me to feel good all the time and I’m in control of that? Well, shit, I get it. But that one is a tall order. I don’t quite have that one down yet.

I share these stories with you so that you can use my template. I haven’t thought of templates in years and may have to do some digging to figure out how to explain them. But you know what a template is. Mine is here, all over this blog, for you to access and adapt to your own situation.

For anyone trying to change your life via changing your thoughts, I highly recommend Abraham’s teachings. They have helped me tremendously and each time I see a quote, I am able to look with a different perspective at whatever it is.

And that is the end of my flow for today my friends. Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin #LovingErin and many, many blessings <3