I started this post many days ago and got only the title out before I was doomed to be in quiet for upwards of 2-3 weeks. In fact, I’m actually typing this second sentence hours after I began the first one for the second time this morning. If I have to brute force it, I want to talk about being a Light Bearer, Light Bringer, Way Shower, and Lighting the Way for others. Feel free to add your own phrase to the ones I came up with.

I listened to a YouTube video maybe 3 weeks ago that talked about this, and while it wasn’t a new concept, it clicked in a different way this time. A few years back I kept hearing the phrase “Firing the Grid.” That wasn’t a new concept either, but it was a strong suggestion given to me and a forum group I heavily participated in at the time. There is an energetic grid around the planet (some call them ley lines, earth lines, etc.), and EM energy runs on them. Places where they intersect are power points or nodes, and many ancient sites and cities were built there. In more modern times, the Catholic church built churches and cathedrals over the ancient sites to harness that power. This is a short history lesson…all of this you can research on your own on the Internet and in your local library.

But I was being shown more. I was being shown that every connection “we” (all of us) make, we leave a trail of light and create our own grids. Think of hundreds of thousands of light workers all over the world connecting with each other, creating a new light grid for the planet. Well it made sense at the time, and is still somewhat within my understanding of things. The point is, we leave a “trail of light” behind us wherever we go. Even on the internet or telephone. Light (photons) do not require our physical presence. It is energy and it goes where our consciousness goes.

Fast forward to the other day (or whenever it was), and the video I heard talked about lighting the way for others. Ah, a more expanded understanding on my previous one. Be the light. Light the way. Light=Love=Joy=Knowledge=Kindness=All That Is. Maybe not equals the way we understand it, but all of those things on the positive end of the spectrum. I’m also being told right now Gnosis, which simply means knowing.

This isn’t a new concept, but it IS a responsibility. Responsibility for your words and actions, for whether you spread kindness or hate, compassion or disdain, love or not love, you get the point. But it’s sort of like the pill in the Matrix. Once you take it, you are illuminated and changed. And most of us don’t want to go backwards. We now know that we are a lighthouse for others. For those who lost their way, for those who are in pain, for those who struggle, even for those who hate, abuse, and kill. BE THE LIGHT. LIGHT THE WAY. It’s so simple!

If I come across the video that sparked this I will post the link. Until then, my friends, Light the way for everyone you meet. Many of you have certainly lighted the way for me and continue to do so. I love you for that and for all that you are.

Namaste, Blessings, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3

Since “Bridge” doesn’t really sound good on a business card, maybe I will have some made up with “Transition Manager” on them. Not the business type of transition of course, but the personal sort (and maybe collective sort). I suppose that the more painful it is for me now, the less painful and traumatic it might be later when and if I am called to do this for my life’s work. As an empath, your pain is painful. My pain is unbearable. Right now I tend to avoid both, but seem to be going through some desensitization process.

I wish that I could tell you what my latest transition “job” is, but I can’t in order to protect privacy. I will say though that it is going to be rewarding, compassionate, and painful. And it’s the right thing to do, my duty, so I will forge on full speed ahead even if I am a crazy person inside.

But it’s still funny how things manifest in ways you never could have imagined. Even though I have been privy to some very awe inspiring things in my lifetime here, I never cease to be amazed. And that’s fantastic, because I love amazement and believe that my openness to it is a big part of why I am still here. The smallest thing can be amazing, and awe inspiring, and all sorts of wonderful things.

I also had the opportunity yesterday to explain the Christ Consciousness to someone. You have absolutely no idea how difficult it is to communicate to anyone – even someone on this path as long as me – what I have absorbed and grew into wisdom over this long period of time. How do you communicate that? And to someone who has no knowledge or little knowledge? Wow, but hey, I felt it flow out and was pleased. Any other time you could seriously ask me a simple question and the answer would be so complex in my mind that I simply can’t communicate it. Not yesterday though, and by the way that’s why I don’t write articles much anymore. I can’t organize them. Anyway, thank you to the person who asked the original question. I suspect that the gift was more for me than for you. Again, amazing how the universe works.

I also moved on to chapter 7 of the Christine Day material that I’m reading and doing audio meditations with. It was profitable and I had some energetic boons out of that. I love her book called Pleiadian Initiations of Light. She’s just one of those people you want to go and hug because her energy is so lovely. If you are doing inner work or want to unload some baggage without doing old school emotional clearing, I recommend this to you. The release is often subtle but powerful.

Today seems to be a new day, and 4 days before Erin’s birthday. I almost said 5. She was supposed to be a 12/12 baby but came a day early and changed her entire numerology. I can see the choice points that led us from there to here, and while they don’t make me feel better, I get it. I don’t miss her any less than I did a little over 2 years and 3 birthdays ago. In fact it F’ing sucks to be bluntly honest. Sunday you will likely find me doing something to engage my mind and not getting out to be reminded of it, or to see the neighborhood luminaries that I hear will be out that day. UGH. I will try to post on her birthday on Missingerin.net, but it may be the day after.

Blessings, Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin

I apologize for being MIA for so long. I left to go to a beautiful wedding in Atlanta, GA the weekend before Thanksgiving. I had a fun and eventful time for many reasons, some of which I will probably write about here. But almost as soon as I returned, my husband’s father Larry had a massive stroke and died Tuesday before Thanksgiving. That kicked off several days of day-long obligations and exhaustion before we could finally bury him yesterday.

Some of you may have lost count, but Larry was the 5th close family member that has died within the last 2 years. Unfortunately for me, he is the 4th close family member that I have sat with while they took their last breath. Seeing someone die is, well, there are no words. It is horrifying and yet if you can distance yourself from it it’s also beautiful knowing they are leaving the confines of the body. When my Erin’s body died, it was surreal, but with the others I have been painfully aware of their struggle. Watching them gasp for the last breath is, again, no words.

I do not know why this has suddenly been thrust upon me. I say suddenly – yes it’s been two years but it seems very recent. And please don’t tell me that I could refuse or leave. Once you have the opportunity to be there with someone you love, living or dying, for support, it is your duty. That sort of duty you put above all others and you choke back your emotions and you do it. You comfort them – the living and the dying – and you love them.

I admit, though, that much like what I assume a social worker goes through, I am struggling with the experiences. First there are the experiences, then you sit and smile at the well-meaning people telling you all sorts of crap about how it will be OK (it won’t) and why (most of it pure BS), then come people who try to take advantage of the bereaved, and then there is the paperwork and logistics that a life is reduced to in death. Most people don’t know that if their elderly parent’s social security is paid before a certain day of the month you have to pay it back depending on the day their death falls on. That’s a rude awakening if you aren’t a rich person. I still get insurance statements for my mother almost 2 years later. There are constant reminders.

Yesterday when we got home from the funeral, I checked the mail. The top item in my mailbox was a damn American Girl catalog, which made me cry. Maybe it was Erin saying hello after Papa’s (pronounced Pawpaw) funeral. I know that her soul lives, just as the others do, and I think the universe is determined to have everyone around me die until I really get that and am able to work within that belief system finally.

Another thing bothering me is the inhumanity of all of us humans. People in my neighborhood are talking about killing coyotes and “what do we do with the carcasses?” How callous is that? They are living things, and we moved into their homes when this farmland, which is in the country by the way, was developed. People call each other names, have no regard for life, and live in a state of fear and retribution of some sort of on a constant basis. I would be disgusted by my vibration isn’t that, it’s just confusion and overwhelming sadness. I would ignore it all but how can I? The polarization of our planet is real and it’s downright scary.

And then there’s the unethical guy at work, the person who makes me want another job. I just can’t abide it anymore, and it’s depressing. If I had Zeus’ thunderbolt I would smite all of these people, but would be sad about that too afterward. There seems to be no win-win.

But I know things are darkest before the dawn. I don’t see the light yet but surely it is there, somewhere.

Blessings, and #missingerin <3

Well that was intense! The Supermoon brought with it a lot of energy and it permeated everyone and everything on our planet. If you didn’t feel it, well, I don’t know how you didn’t feel it. Increased energies can manifest for you as just that, or it can be felt as anxiety, emotions, and irritation if you aren’t used to it.

Personally it made me tired. Very tired. I have been in a daze for about 3-4 days now and am trying hard to break out of it because I have stuff to do. I’m about to go out for a lunchtime jog and I’m not sure I’m up for it. But I have to wear dress clothes later in the week, and the roll on my abdomen reminds me that I need the jog. Wish me luck.

I have been wondering what the point is and have been very depressed. Look, until the day I’m with my girl again I will be depressed on some level. Some days are better than others obviously, but these past few weeks since Halloween have been hellish. That said, I was reminded yesterday why I haven’t made a transition in another area of my life that I have felt stuck in. It turns out I had the chance to make some behind the scenes changes happen, or at least be the catalyst for them. Those changes are, at the root, about equity and balance as well as ethics and integrity. I had no idea that I still had work to do there but I did or do, and so in understanding that I can stay a little longer in this space. I am sorry that I can’t be more specific but maybe one day I can.

This little microcosm in my life is indicative of the world stage where the old guard being forced to change or get the F out of Dodge. The old way(s) doesn’t work anymore because we the people demand change, we demand integrity and truth, and ethical behavior. So I am perfectly fine with stepping a little out of bounds in order to make that happen and am quite amused about it to be honest. Check and mate but in a good way – service to others.

There is so much going on in the world and in my world (internally) that I can’t seem to put much more to words. So wish me luck on my jog (Freudian slip? I initially wrote job.). It’s 30 minutes of “Is this over yet?” every time I exercise. Another small piece of the whole of my life.

Simply #missingerin today. Blessings.

Last night was a hard night. I became somewhat depressed as Shaun and I were headed out to buy new undershirts. You know, the thing is, I never know when that is coming. It just arrives like an uninvited guest and takes over the whole party. So I got in the car that way, but tried to make conversation and shoo it away.

I guess I pissed It off though, because half way to Marshall’s something he said took me into a full blown PTSD moment. You have no idea what that is like if you have never experienced it. I sure didn’t, and might have even thought it wasn’t real (I don’t remember). Trust me – it is real. They come on like a movie but in virtual reality – sound, color, moving pictures, smell, and most of all feelings. The feelings overcome you and there you are, back in a moment that was painful. PTSD never brings back happy moments.

This particular moment was of me yelling at Erin. I was perhaps angrier with her than I ever had been, and it wasn’t really even her fault. I was angry with Shaun, and she said something that sounded like a repeat of what she had heard, and I flew all over her. It was sometime in 2014 and we were in the car. It was incredibly unfair and I’m sure it was incredibly hurtful to her and I never apologized. Re-experiencing that last night was so painful that I wished for death, as I could not take it anymore. All of this and it’s going on inside of me, not visible to the outside. I don’t know what is worse, holding it all in or the experience. It was awful to say the least.

I had no idea why I decided to share this with you until after I wrote the last sentence. I know that a lot of people have taken this election rhetoric as a license to say hurtful things. Please, don’t. Most people probably aren’t awful people and if that is you, those things you say will overwhelm you with regret one day. You can’t unsay them, and even if you have the luxury of apologizing they will come back to haunt you in the form of deep regret, shame, and sorrow. Your actions too…you cannot undo a hateful or unkind action.

Aside from my obvious sorrow, I have relived every unkind word and action to my daughter, and some to my mother, over and over again since their bodies died. I do not do it on purpose. You won’t either, and it will be painful. It is painful enough for me to wish for, and sometimes even beg for, death. But it won’t end there either, as my soul will forever carry the knowledge and experiences.

Our world needs kindness more than ever. Please be kind and gentle, loving and compassionate. <3

Love, Peace, and Blessings. #missingerin and #LovingErin

This week I have been somewhat bombarded with messages about cycles ending and things coming to completion. I did a tarot reading for a friend and all over her reading was the number 9. I used a graphic from the Mystical Numbers website, and this is what they say about 9:

This is the time to come to terms with all that you have accomplished during the current cycle.

….

Now is the time to wrap things up. You also need to forgive and forget whatever you have lost or not accomplished.

OK, don’t laugh too hard with me. I don’t feel I have accomplished too much but I will at least tell you an interesting story of events below.

My friend’s reading was the first clue that I got, but nope, I didn’t notice it. Anyone who gives psychic readings, tarot readings, etc. usually notices not only a pattern for the day or week, but also that most of their clients are going through the same things that they are, at least on a high level. I think the universe designs it like this so that you get some bang from your buck while you are spending your time reading. (If you note that money isn’t the only thing exchanged with clients, bravo!)

So anyway, I was completely oblivious to what was in it for me. Or rather the revelations that the next few days would bring.

I should note that while I have processed through a lot of baggage regarding my childhood and relationship with my mother, there are residuals there. The Cliff Notes: Bad childhood, irresponsible and alcoholic mother (father died when I was 4), grew up very dysfunctional as a human and am still moving through it at age 45.

For the past two days I have been seeing two different things come up. One is the 9 year cycle, and the fact that we are finishing a cycle that began in 2007. Remember, 9’s are completion. You (hopefully) master it and then move to something new and more exciting. Second, the 4 year cycle that began on 12/21/2012 is coming to an end. This 4 year cycle was a holding period, almost a period of “no time” so to speak, between the end of the Mayan long calendar and, well, the New. 4 is a number associated with the heart as the heart chakra is the 4th chakra.

I don’t know what you had going on back in 2007, but my step father died on 1/20 of that year and threw my world, and my mother’s, into complete chaos. He left her destitute (and I am not joking – I mean that literally) and eventually homeless when his children repossessed her home, and whether or not she had it prior, she spiraled into the dementia that finally killed her. It was difficult at best. I could write an entire book describing her behavior and all of the anger I had dealing with it. Most of all, I had for most purposes become the adult in my house around age 7, and here I was again, as an adult trying to live my life with my own family, having to be the Mother again to her when I really didn’t want to be. It was her job, and she was never up for it. It really sucked and I don’t recommend anyone “doing that” to their children.

Fast forward to 2012…the unthinkable happened when Mom had to move in with us. It changed our lives, ruined them actually, and she was diagnosed with dementia formally that year. I believe my daughter also developed the alleged lymphoma that eventually killed her that year, as that fall she had swollen lymph glands under her armpit for the first time. You will have to read the entire story at Missing Erin, as I can’t bear to retell it. Regardless of what fate had in store, I know that my mother being here was a catalyst for the whole damn thing, and it really did ruin the last 2 years of Erin’s life, and that is a fact even though at that point my mother couldn’t help it.

I had high hopes for 2012 and also for 2014, years that ended very badly. I thought they were the end of something and the new was beginning. I had no idea I was in a holding pattern that was going to transform my Heart and all that the heart means and is.

So I guess seeing so much mention of these two cycles coming to completion gives me some sort of hope. I have a lot to spiritually show for it but you know, what I want physically is not here. But wait, I’m not done yet.

Over the last two days I had a bit of an ongoing argument over language and judgment towards females. I finally blurted out that I was tired of the judgment and of judging. I’m just so tired of it, no matter who it’s toward or what it’s about. I don’t want to do it anymore, and I don’t want to listen to others do it. There seems to be nothing but disdain, double standards, ugly words, and unfair judgment towards people these days and such little love and acceptance. I’m tired and tired of that. I don’t want to play this game anymore for sure.

Once I said this idea, the other person reminded me of the harsh judgment I have passed on my mother all of these years and how I am now telling them to stop judging anyone for the same things. Ah, they were right. It was true and I admitted it. I would never have seen this if I had not had this argument etc. I have been working a lot on “letting go” and was surprised to see this come up to let go of.

The truth is, I have very harshly judged my Mother for her behavior and lack of responsibility over my entire life. I was bitter that I didn’t have a childhood where I could just be a kid. I was forced to grow up very fast, and I have gratitude for the fact that I was able to adult at such a young age. I was very mature mentally for my age, but that came at the price of my emotional maturity. Like I said, I’m still working on that.

It is bittersweet to look back on the design of things, how I was the Mother so young, then tried desperately to reclaim my childhood by avoiding responsibility. Even when I was a mother myself, I rejected it in many ways. I certainly rejected mothering my mother again in 2012. And now I’ve had the last 2 years to come to terms with all that I regret, all that I have lost, who I don’t want to be and who I am. My heart has died and been reborn with more love than I can communicate in words but at what price? I would pay the price again because I know the value, but it makes me sad to think of the cost.

Wish me luck in purging this residual – ?? – that I have discovered. And wish us all luck in this next cycle beginning in 2017. We sure need it don’t we <3

#missingerin and #LovingErin , Namaste and Nutsmaste <3