Oct 31

Musings for 10/31/2016

angelofdeathI chose this today because I feel like death, and this was the prettiest Angel of Death that I could find. I looked at some Grim Reapers but that didn’t really cover the subtleties of how I am feeling. I really feel like another dark night of the soul is upon me. Another spiritual death. What could easily be a physical death if I just let go. Yes, it feels that way (and no, I don’t mean by my own hand).

Everywhere people are dead or dying. And if their bodies are alive they are likely dying on the inside. One would hope that the nice Angel in the picture would just go ahead and stab us with that sword and get it over with already. Why do we have to keep suffering? I can’t come up with a good reason. I have pondered it, too, and cannot come up with a good reason. All of it – the lessons, the value, the (insert here) from my life as Nicole, I get it. I find that I learn very little these days so I’ve either almost got it or I’m in a holding pattern. Either way, the continued suffering seems cruel and unusual. Maybe I’ve talked about that before, and maybe not. I can’t remember at this point.

I loved Halloween all of my life. And now, I HATE Halloween. It ranks up there with Christmas as my most dreaded time of the year. Perhaps it is more dreaded, because at least on Christmas you don’t have to turn all of your lights off and hide to avoid people ringing your doorbell. It was our first holiday without Erin, and even though she’s only been away 2 years, this is our 3rd Halloween without her.

I still remember what it would be like if she was here. Aside from the decorations and preparation, our entire day would have been immersed in the excitement of dressing up and getting out there early. She probably would have been going with a friend, either here or in their immediate neighborhood, and had some pizza or other snack before going out with at least 2 pumpkins to gather candy. I always let her pick her own costume, but at least 2 or 3 years she picked a kitty cat. Her last she picked Clawdine Wolf from Monster High and it came with a beautiful red wig. I still have the costume and will probably keep it forever.

Shaun and I usually traded off for Halloween “duty.” I don’t know why now, and I am telling you – BOTH of you parents go with your kid. I didn’t go on the last one and boy, I regret it now. It was my turn to stay home and hand out candy, but who cares. I would rather have one last Halloween memory. So don’t make my mistake. I post these things so at least one person out there will get it and not have the same regrets that I do. Hell, I hope you learn from me and have very few regrets or none at all. That’s my wish for you.

I have been depressed all day and have done little work or taken a bath yet. Sorry work, I have done what was asked just nothing extra. Maybe soon I will brush my teeth so that I don’t knock Shaun down when he gets home.

I have really been depressed since I got into bed last night. I felt empty. It was a very palpable feeling and I verbalized it in order to bring it fully into my conscious awareness. Running away from the feelings doesn’t help at all so I try to acknowledge and embrace them as soon as they manifest.

Oh, and add to it that I’ve been having premonition dreams for about a week now. Apparently someone I know has lung cancer, and someone I know on FaceBook may be dead soon also. I meditated on it and was told who and how, but I would like to think I’m a terrible psychic and that I am full of shit. So I’ll go with that and hope for the best.

So blah blah, Happy Freaking Halloween guys. I know I am a terrible buzz kill. If no one reads this one I don’t blame them. I just had to write it how I felt it today.

Peace, love and blessings. #missingerin <3

Oct 27

Musings for 10/27/2016

butterfly_10242016I had this all written out in my mind just before I went to sleep last night. I do that sometimes with things like emails, return texts, this. I do it down to the periods and commas. Then I wake up the next day and in my mind (LOL) I have already replied and forgotten about it. At least I didn’t forget to write again today, but I am sure I have forgotten the eloquence that I thought I had achieved with what I “head wrote.” ha ha

I want to write about flow, and when I say flow I mean when something is “flowing” versus when it is “stuck.” But first, I want to acknowledge that I am amazed that I have not seen my Erin in over 2 years. I never in my life thought that I could cry on a daily basis for a period this long. I guess I cry bitter tears, because after the first few months of crying my tears began burning. Yes, they physically burn in my eyes. I suppose that this will go on forever, even though I can’t fathom that either. I think now of other friends who are without their children and I am so sorry that you and I have to endure this hell on earth.

The picture that I have inserted above, I took on Monday while I was doing my “jog” – I’ve been trying to do the couch to 5K training program and I go out for 30 minutes 3 days a week. I was jogging around the pond in Coventry where I live, and I was sad. Erin loved to walk down to the pond, and the last time she and a friend went up there by themselves I got very angry with her because I was worried. They left by themselves on her bikes and there were strange workmen working up that way. So it makes me sad that she loved it, and that I yelled at her. And as I was thinking this I looked up and saw this image in the cloud. I guess it’s a butterfly? Or maybe an angel. Either way I knew it was there just for me, and it is so distinct. As another friend said today about something else, just in time.

It relates to flow, because at that moment I was not resisting or denying my sadness, and so the flow was there. Effortlessly, I got a message that I needed in that moment, as I was in my flow of feeling. I am a pusher – I push things that I want accomplished and I push hard. I engineer, I logistically create a plan, I visualize and put a lot of energy behind that plan. But brute force doesn’t always get you to where you need to be. Your flow will, and even if you are like me you will recognize the flow when you have yielded to it (even if you don’t know it).

I tried to brute force the situation with my mother. I tried to brute force Erin’s illness to resolution. I have tried to brute force many things and on occasion it works out “fine” and I think Ok, I did this. That’s not exactly correct though. Most of the time brute force is done out of some sort of fear. Fear that you won’t be on time, that your car will need to be fixed, that your husband will leave you, that … something … insert here. So we push and push, even though all we are really doing is pushing against the other thing that we don’t want.

I realize that I am not explaining this well, but hopefully someone out there feels me! A recent example for me is selling my home. It is not flowing, and so I know that it’s time to just throw my hands up and say ok universe, you do what you want to do. (Like it won’t do that anyway!). I put a lot of effort into getting it on the market, getting it market ready, pulled out all the stops for realtors who wanted to see it, open houses, etc. I even did some alchemy whereby I soaked up all of our personal energies from the house into a crystal so that it didn’t “reek” of our energy when potential buyers came in. I separated myself emotionally from the house, and we stopped using all but a few rooms. Yet no buyers came which on the surface makes no sense for several reasons I won’t go into here. But it makes perfect sense to me. It’s not time, or something, yet. No amount of me pushing would help things. In fact, if I had pushed harder (lowered the price for instance), I may have hurt. If we had lowered the price it would hurt us, as well as our neighbors’ property value. So nope, I need to just give it back and get back in the flow. There’s a saying – Let Go and Let God. You all know that saying. That’s what I mean.

How do you know when you’re in your flow? It feels good. My friend R.E. has taught me a lot about the flow. He does what feels good and discards the rest. I think he has become a master at it by this point, and his life flows very well from what I can see. Easier said than done, I know. R.E. lives by himself and doesn’t have to contend with some life stuff others of us have to. But through his circumstances, he was blessed to be able to master the flow. And you know all of that hundredth monkey stuff…the more people that “get” it the more people will. It will become effortless for us to be just be, and to do what is natural in any given moment.

I had nearly forgotten WHY I wanted to write this but just remembered because it’s important. I am so tired of feeling bad about feeling bad. I feel less than. I am not good at my spiritual path because I can’t just get over my grief. I apologize to Erin and to the universe about being sad, all the time, then I say I won’t apologize for it anymore (and I do anyway). I’m less than because I like to go out and drink beer. I’m less than because I am not able to do this, or that, or whatever. How many of you judge yourselves and feel bad because you don’t meet some standard you think is important? I bet all of you, or most of you.

Today I’m not preaching or teaching to you. I’m talking about my emotions which are very real and very present. I practice I Love You’s to myself and others, and I have began practicing gratitude. I know that I am doing the best I can in most cases. Sometimes I get so tired I don’t, but I am clear with myself that I just don’t care (I really do, it usually lasts a second or two). I cry out to the universe and ask WHY, and WHEN will this be over with? HOW can I enjoy life at all after everything? How much longer do I have to live with this pain, and when will it all make sense? Haven’t I made the grade by now?

So hang in there. That’s all I’ve got. We are in this together, each and every one of us, and we cannot make it alone I promise you that. I don’t have the answers. I do know that when I need it the most, I always get a sign that helps me to keep going just like the picture I included today. Maybe my blog today is your sign or maybe you will get something more personal. Either way, I Love You, and you are Love(d). <3

Namaste, #missingerin, #LovingErin

Oct 17

Musings for 10/17/2016

UGH…that’s the closest I can come to the big sigh I just let out. My sense of humor wants to say “Better than a fart, eh?” but truthfully that is just me creating a diversion for myself. This last week has been hard. I don’t talk about it every day, but every day I have to dig myself out of the muck to keep moving forward. It hasn’t gotten any easier and I don’t expect that it ever will be. My better days come when I gain some understanding, but then once I do understand, I find myself on a plateau that doesn’t feel much different from where I was before. It makes sense really…when you are comfortable in an environment or energy, you tend to forget how different it is from the place you were before, especially if it was a subtle change to begin with.

Totally not what I thought I would write today! But here I am or rather here we are. I am somewhat confused about my inability to sell my house and literally “move” on. It took so long to muster up the courage to say I can let this go and move, and then nothing. No thing at all. We have had one person look at our home, a few realtors, and two moderately successful open houses (judging by the number of participants only). My house is not overpriced, and it’s in pristine condition. I know what this means…it’s not flowing, the timing or something isn’t right, and it’s time to throw in the towel. That is somewhat of a relief, but the truth is that I cannot LIVE here. I don’t mean be here, I mean LIVE. And on the other hand, it was such a hard decision to leave and I’m not sure I can make that decision again. I am at least comfortable in this pain. I am loathe to irritate my still-open wounds by more emotional upheaval. **sigh**

The fact is, NOTHING in my physical life is moving. Not my desire for a change in job duties, not my house, and not a whole list of mundane things that I am currently rolling around in my mind. Why am I stagnant? Or am I? I really am not sure but I feel like I am. I’m sure there is a good reason why I am not having movement, and one day I will say “Oh, that was it.” But it’s very frustrating right now.

And I’m trying to let go and move. I don’t know what I’m holding on to really. I’ve had everything ripped away from me until I’m nothing but flesh and bone walking around dazed and confused. I do and I don’t understand what I apparently planned for this lifetime. I do what is asked of me, the right thing for any given situation, and I have tried to learn from and atone for old mistakes and wrong-doings. I feel damned if I turn away from life, and damned if I embrace it. Does anyone else feel that way? I can’t imagine that I am the only person who does.

I have to laugh because I just had this image of me as a child, and it’s a real image. Every time that I would get in a bumper car, no matter where or when, mine would not go. Everyone else’s would go but mine would just barely move or just stay where it was. That was shown to me just as I imagined myself as the person in an inner tube who wasn’t moving with the flow of the current, all of my friends passing me by but me just staying mid-stream. I guess I need to ponder that one some more today.

So with that somber note, wishing you all peace and blessings. Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3

Oct 13

Musings for 10/13/2016

You’ve gotta love the messages that guidance sends. Like when you know good and well your num lock is on, but nothing but / comes out when you type the date on your blog post. Does that means I’m in Zero Point? Golly, that sure would be nice. Yeah I said that sarcastically in Gomer Pyle’s voice as I heard it in my head. Now why in the devil would I have thought of that? I’ve got nothing here.

I suppose this goes right along with the spotty phone service I’m having. Really the issue is that I can hear folks fine, but they say my voice fades in and out. Am I fading in and out? Now that would be rather exciting! Maybe I’m jumping timelines or something. That is probably not it, as I’m also having trouble communicating via email with a friend and mentor. Every time that I try to send her something with (what I consider) important content, Earthlink (her provider) blocks the IP address. I use webmail through my provider, and can update the IP by logging in again. But nope, blocked. I can only send to her right now from my Gmail account, which I only use for business things like job applications and such. Golly Gee (Golly Gmail). And no, I have no idea where this silly shit is coming from with the golly and the gee. I’m just going with what pops out.

While I figure this out, let me at least share something positive. I saw a text from someone who used to work for me last night just before bed, asking if it was still my number. I didn’t answer until this morning because it was just before bed. Anyway, this person had some health and other issues last time I saw them, but last night I dreamed that I saw them and they were very healthy looking. In fact I stopped them and said hey, you look great! They did look good – had lost a bundle of weight and looked very healthy. Come to find out when I answered this morning that this person has had some life changing stuff happen and is very happy. I guess our souls hooked up during dream time to tell me this. I’m very happy for them! Yay!

I have a soul connection to many people who have worked for me over the years, even if they don’t know it. I worry about them and their families, how their current jobs and bosses are treating them, and about their well being. Mostly stuff I can’t do anything about but I do care, and I did when they worked for me too. Even some I don’t particularly care for, I care enough about to hope they are doing well and help them when I can. It’s nice to hear when someone has found happiness.

I am still basically miserable. I have constant reminders of my misery and can’t seem to rise above it sometimes. I put on a pair of pants I had not worn in quite some time over the weekend, and pulled out a hair tie from the pocket. It was a unique hair tie, and was Erin’s. I wanted to throw the damn pants away to be honest. Last night I had some flashbacks of when she first got sick. Those were very painful…if I had pushed harder could I have found out what was wrong with her? No, I know that the answer is no. We took her to every doctor imaginable.

Really my inner child wants to believe that we could have controlled the situation. If my psyche would just realize, though, that we tried our hardest then and failed, then maybe we could let that go. The truth is we are only in control of our actions and reactions. Nothing more. I worked hard on that for years, and that’s the reason I am not a crazy person after all that I have experienced. It is also why I wasn’t a raving lunatic who yelled and screamed at the doctors then. But maybe that lunatic was needed? There wasn’t any urgency with anyone. Appointment scheduled weeks apart. I still know the answer is that it was meant to be. But that is hard to swallow. Should’ve Could’ve Would’ve will slowly kill you.

That’s it for today. I have hit a block and have nothing more to say other than repeating the fact that I am sad.

Blessings, Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3

 

Oct 11

Musings for 10/11/2016

Today I feel like I am ready to pop and literally vomit all that is within out onto you. But I really don’t want to do that. Maybe you didn’t ask for it. I tried posting food for thought on FaceBook but people take it as if they have to oppose and get mad. I reply, only to hold the line on what I was originally saying, but it turns into a discussion then and I’m really done with that. It’s clear that most people are not open to another way of looking at things. I wish I could let you into my brain so that you could see how many times a day I explore another option, another idea, another way of thinking about some thing or some one. I look at all the angles. I don’t know another way to be, and so that’s what I do.

I was taught at a young age to take sides. It’s us or them, and the us pretty much included only those who were exactly like us. There was no room for different. Then I got to school and learned things like how to write a research paper, how to write an essay, how to give a speech and how to debate. Do you know what those things have in common? Well I’ll tell you (LOL). To do them well, you take a side and you stick with it, and you utterly decimate the other side. It doesn’t matter if you agree with it or not, you must be relentless in your fact stating, power of persuasion, etc. After all, you are posing and theoretically winning an argument right? Heaven forbid that maybe both you AND someone else are correct and could compliment each others work and information. Nope, doesn’t work that way here in duality.

I am somewhat horrified today at how good I was, am, at what I just spoke about. Damn good. So good it was too bad that I wasn’t on the debate team or something (I was too busy socializing to do anything extra-curricular). But get me in a social situation where there was any type of taking of sides, and I probably was an utter bitch to you. It didn’t have to be an academic argument for me to pummel your side and strengthen mine. Only once or twice do I remember realizing that I didn’t have the political clout or brute force strength to win an argument.

Fast forward to, well, many years ago at this point. Hence why I say I am somewhat horrified…because do you know who forces their point and wins arguments like that? Bullies, that’s who. I was a bully, and so are many people you know who are friends, leaders, spouses, FaceBook friends, and the list goes on. Even your preacher is a bully. He/she stands in the pulpit throwing hell fire and brimstone at you on Sundays, telling you if you don’t follow what they are saying you are going to hell. That’s a form of bullying folks, and the best one my brain came up with right now. As may be your boss at work, your wife who says if you don’t come home now she will divorce you,  the parent who beats their child into submission. You get the point by now.

Instead, all of those folks I mentioned above could use love and stories of love to get their points across. Why would you want to be like Jesus? Well, by all accounts he was a great fellow. Here’s a story about something he did – aren’t you inspired? I am! Or maybe your wife says, honey I really miss you, and I’m lonely. Would you come home? It would really make me feel better.  Then you might have, instead, the motivational boss who helps you to get to where you need to be (versus “do it because I said so.”), and the parent who reacts differently to their child.

I have really gone a tad bit off topic here but, it was important to mention. Now, something else about bullies and to take a line from The Police, also poets, priests, and politicians (who have words to thank for their positions). They will twist and turn words until – again from The Police – their logic ties you up and rapes you. They will mince words. They will, in the end, not only have you agree with them but agree with them no matter whether you even understand why.

Here’s an example from a conversation that I had today regarding – ugh should I even say it? – Trump’s latest comments as well as something from our local senator Jeff Sessions. I really didn’t want to talk politics, only stated that touching without consent is assault, and that some of the language used supported rape culture. A few folks who, I believe just happen to be supporters, stated things like “He didn’t actually say X, Y, or Z.” and “It depends on consent, right?” Then a few more about “he didn’t say he actually grabbed anyone.”

I will leave it to you to decide who said and did what. It really doesn’t matter – it’s the defense position (and the offense) that I am pointing out. Mincing words instead of taking responsibility. Deflecting. All are tactics that are well-used in “winning” a race for anything, or imposing your opinion.

I prefer to stick with the facts. I am also tired of women being blamed for being pretty, or how they are dressed, or what type of person people think they are based on what they say or what they do. If I want you to touch me, you will know it without question. Do not touch me otherwise or you will be going to jail for assault. Don’t show me your private parts either, or send them in pictures. Do not assume that you can do whatever you want to and that it’s ok, because it is not ok. THAT is the conversation we should be having. Who really cares what Donald Trump is saying when we should be respecting ourselves and our fellow humans? I am not stating that rhetorically. Really – who? Not very many from my estimates.

I hope I am no longer a bully. I really strive not to be while still being me, which is a strong personality. But I’ll tell you what else I am…I am intelligent, well-read, and an outstanding problem-solver. Don’t try to fool me with your rhetoric or half-truths because you can’t and I will call you out on it every time. And if you are doing that, realize that you also disrespect yourself. I don’t want you to do that either. Use your own mind to think for your own self. Don’t defend the status quo just because. Do treat every person and every situation as unique and use that beautiful brain of yours to stop the blame game and react differently. I promise it can be done. I do it every day (and nope, I’m not perfect).

I love you all and I thank you for letting me get this one out. I could have written tons more, but at that point it would have just been complaining. I love you ladies and I love you gentlemen. You all know I am inclusive and not exclusive, and expect equality and fairness for all and in all.

Namaste, blessings, nutsmaste, #missingerin, and #LovingErin <3

Oct 10

Musings for 10/10/2016

Today’s theme is simply UGH. There are lots of things to be UGH about. Most of them are trivial when you look at the bigger picture, but still, they bombard us on a near constant basis unless we truly live off the grid.

UGH the elections. If you are one of the people who still think your vote counts, bless your heart. I mean, I get that you need to have hope but this is a broken system and you and I can’t fix it. Also, if you really think that either or any candidate truly cares about you, bless your heart. We aren’t even in their socio-economic class and they couldn’t care less about whether we have grocery money or not. We have nothing to offer them personally or professionally. It’s just the ugly truth. So use this as a reason to stop bullying and being ugly to your friends and neighbors about politics. Choose love instead.

UGH the destructive weather. A lot of people are physically experiencing devastation and a lot of fear and uncertainty. I know the earth is cleansing itself and rightfully so, but still, it’s heartbreaking.

UGH the oppression and especially the violence towards women (or anyone for that matter). It’s not ok. It’s not ok to encourage this in our youth, to laugh it off as boys will be boys, to continue to support the double-standard. By the way, you and I both know that if I, as a woman, talked about my sexual escapades at all I would be labeled a slut by men and women alike. We’ve been conditioned that way, and yet it is absolutely wrong. Take time today to encourage your young girls to be strong and let them know they are equal. Take time to show your young boys by example that they respect everyone equally and as equals. Show them that Love is the answer.

UGH the death and dying. I know, I know, I’ve talked about this over and over but damn. It doesn’t matter what me or you believe about death and the soul, it still absolutely sucks for those of us left here. I went to a ballgame over the weekend, and i can’t tell you how many times I had physical tears in my eyes and had to bite my lip to keep myself from breaking down. Sights and sounds evoke both living memories and what I assume are possible alternate reality “movies” of Erin and others, and well, it sucks.

UGH wondering what the hell life has in store for me next. I swear, I feel like I am moving through a valley of molasses. I would prefer mole asses. LOL but seriously. I finally get to a point where I can say ok, I’m comfortable enough to move (move my home, move energy, etc. – move through), and what happens? Not a damn thing. Shit.

Though it feels like the sky is falling, I still have hope and wonder for what lies ahead. I just wish it would get here sooner. Time is a real bitch and usually isn’t kind no matter if it’s moving slowly or fast. In fact, I hate time and how it locks us up in it’s never ending cycle. Maybe hate is too strong a word. I don’t have the energy to hate, but I don’t care for Time at all.

Be kind today. I love you. Blessings, peace, Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin

Oct 05

Musings for 10/5/2016

Making myself communicate again 🙂 Sometimes I am full of thoughts, write an entire blog post in my mind, but I just can’t put it on paper. I have been having highs and lows lately, and if I wait just a few minutes to begin writing then I find myself in a low again and unable to say a word. I actually just caught myself clenching my lips together as I type this. I guess it will be forced out via my fingertips!

I have a phrase on my lips that I just can’t shake so here it is…Death, it’s what’s for dinner. What that means exactly I have no idea, but, there has been a lot of death and sickness lately. I continue to see people who have “mystery” illnesses who get sicker by the day. A 9 year old boy a few streets over from us died of leukemia less than a week ago. He is the third seriously ill child that I know of, including Erin, and I think there was a fourth that I heard about just after her body died. Several folks have died lately, and my father in law is seriously ill, Shaun’s aunt is seriously ill, an old friend is seriously ill, someone’s sister is seriously ill, the list goes on.

And look, before someone reminds me that their soul self is alive and well somewhere, and happy and healthy, etc. blah blah, yes I know that. I am not the least bit worried for those who have shed their bodies. In fact I suspect they are elated to be free of those shackles. But those of us left behind in the prison of time and space, well, we have a long sentence to serve before we are able to see those we love so dearly again. That and, the instances of death over and over really wear you down and keep those PTSD movies playing over and over. It’s not very joyous for the rest of us.

And that brings me to a funny thought that also won’t leave until I put it in print. Festivus…for the rest of us. Yeah I love Festivus, but in this case, it is giving me/us a specific message. I’ve written several times about joy, making a joyful noise (frequency/vibration), etc. So what is spirit asking the rest of us to do? Festivus sort of sounds festive and joyful doesn’t it? It’s telling us to be joyful. Now that’s a tall order considering we are sad and miserable, and in some cases worse than that. But I promise you that it’s achievable.

I didn’t think so for a long time, but I told Erin just this week that hey, I have achieved joy again. It’s different than I thought it would be. I still feel the same range of emotions and sometimes all at once. She is missing from the joyous occasions, but I have successfully reached the vibration of joy and maintained it even for an extended period. So what now? The only answer that I receive when I ask is a strong feeling to extend joy to all of you and make it a joyous grid around the world. Sounds so simple, LOL!

But right now I am tired, and a little weepy. Last night I awoke to pee and immediately heard a verse from Baa Baa Black Sheep. Erin used to sing “Have you any wolves?” When I told her it was wool when she was about 3 years old, she got mad and cried. I don’t know why but it made me so sad that I nearly couldn’t go back to sleep.

Still, I have neglected to share some joyous occurrences. Last Friday I was rebooting my Comcast router, which is upstairs in a room across the hall from her room, and as I pulled the cord I said I Love you Erin (out loud). As I turned to leave the room, the television had come on. Keep in mind that the cord I pulled had nothing to do with the TV, and all of our remotes were in a box on the coffee table. I thanked her for doing that for me. Then a few nights later, I woke up to see her in the doorway looking in at us, in a bathrobe, just like she used to do sometimes when she was seeing if we were awake. I sat straight up in bed and as my conscious mind took over her image faded. But I wasn’t afraid and welcome more interaction.

Our loved ones aren’t that far away, but it’s in an octave (dimension) that we don’t have physical access to yet. If you are missing someone, make sure to remember that and don’t let them go from your heart. No, you can’t go on as if they are living with you, but do go on as if they are alive because they are, waiting on us to be able to see them again.

With that I am pooped. Namaste, Nutsmaste, Love and Blessings, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3

Sep 24

Musings for 9/24/2016

I meant to write several days this week but it wasn’t coming out. In fact I’m still a bit verbally constipated (hehehe), but I feel like I have to speak so here goes.

This past week was the equinox and a continuance of the cosmic energies coming onto our planet and thus into our bodies. It’s more than a metaphysical concept. There were actual cosmic energies streaming onto the planet at a great rate (see SuspiciousObservers YouTube channel for more info and follow SpaceWeather.com). Not only are those energies correlated now, scientifically, with an uptick in volcanic and quake activity, they also are correlated with people “acting crazy.” You saw a lot of crazy these past few weeks didn’t you? It’s still going on, and may get worse. People react in ways that they can mentally and emotionally handle, and as you know some people cannot handle mental and/or emotional stress. Even for those of us seasoned in dealing with our emotions, it’s tough sometimes.

I spent the week before the equinox down in the dumps but I knew that I had to rise above it somehow. I know that the key to my rebirth is not going to be found in the depths of despair, but hell, how do you find hope in a max security prison? LOL I can commiserate with the other prisoners all I want, and even the guards (time, mortality), but that ain’t ending my sentence.

Well, I at least found the key and doorway to get me to a lower super max prison this past week. I was driving to a small business event I had to attend on Thursday morning, listening to a rather interesting video on YouTube, when it hit me. For those of you who don’t know, quick flash back. Around 15 years ago I started on a path of emotional clearing (dealing with emotional issues, resolving them within me) based on the Keys of Compassion by Jelaila Starr. It was a tough period for my close relationships but it changed my life and gave me tools to deal with stuff. So back to my story. Suddenly it dawned on me that I had not yet released, nor found compassion for, well, Me. All of the regret I feel, things done and undone, said and unsaid, I blame myself for and pay a penance for it daily. I may as well be one of those medieval fellows who went around flogging themselves (the flagellants?). The day of the equinox and I finally had a breakthrough. I had been at it hard all week trying to clear as much baggage as I could, and there it was. Ah-ha!

I came home that night and took a nice salt bath, lit a candle, and asked my team to join me. I normally call in AA Michael, Maya (my soul identity), Kem (a future self that assists), St Germain, Kutumi, and anyone else who wants to help including Erin. Once I was sufficiently settled in my bath, I asked my inner child, who calls herself Hyacinth, to come forward and I apologized to her. I told her I was sorry that I keep blaming her, and that I released us from blame. Immediately in my mind’s eye she gave me a big hug. By the way, she looks like me when I was about 3 years old, right down to an outfit I had a picture made in with my mom and dad. So I knew I was on the right track. I then told her that while we had the knowledge to act differently, do things differently, and possibly the wisdom, we did the best we could at the time. And that now it is time to hand things over to our higher mind (Maya) and that we DID successfully learn the lesson. We gained the wisdom we were meant to and we changed. We changed beyond our wildest expectations. And it is painful, but that I don’t blame us anymore. I am still very sad, deeply sad, but I let go of the blame.

For a lifetime I have been working on responsibility of some sort, but much of that overall life-lesson has to do with responsibility in my relationships with others. I had a taste of it when Nicholas, my beloved Siamese Flame Point, died in 1999. Then I had another taste of it when one of my grandmothers died when Erin was about a year old. But I never changed my habits. Arguments, etc. I just swept under the rug, many times not having empathy or context for how I hurt someone else. But the deaths I mentioned above, I regretted not spending more time, not saying and doing. It made me realize that life was short (for us) and that I needed to experience and live. But that’s as far as it got. It was all mental, and the emotional pain faded. I would refuse to allow Nicholas’ memory in because it made me cry even years later, so he was out of sight out of mind. I loved my grandmother but she became a fond memory. I continued to have failed relationship and responsibility issues for years after that, the details of which are too many to discuss here but the fact remains. It was not until I took responsibility for being here, present, embodied and thus responsible for my words and actions recently that I was able to see the blame I was inflicting on a constant basis. If I refuse to blame others, why was I still blaming myself?

Releasing someone from blame doesn’t get them off the hook for responsibility. I am still responsible for whatever I did or didn’t so, say, etc. However, we all deserve more love and not less, and to be released from a sentence of constant blame. When we blame, we do not take responsibility for our part of (insert here) and thus we are not able to move forward. It’s interesting, and a little convoluted, to describe the relationship with blaming one’s self and I’m not sure I can do that in a short blog post, but you get the idea. As the blamer, it was really me who was suffering (doubly since I was also the blamee!). It’s the same as holding a grudge. It hurts you the most.

In other news, I started the couch to 5K again last Wednesday and so far have actually gone outside and ran three days this week. And I’ve lost a pound, something that had eluded me for almost a year now. I may have to go buy some MSM for my joints but I am pleased with that and hope I can fit back into my new clothes that I grew out of soon! LOL Hey, a girl can wish for her clothes to fit well can’t she?

I know this goes without saying, but please – on behalf of grievers and those who have lost children everywhere – don’t think that I have or am “getting over it.” You don’t get over losing your child. Ever. You are welcome to help me celebrate my forward movement on my journey, but please understand that this is not a heal-able wound. I feel obligated to say this, as there are many of us suffering silently. Thank you for understanding, as much as can be understood in this situation.

I love you all. Peace, blessings, Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3

Sep 21

Musings for 9/21/2016

treeToday I want to write about the bounty of love and what it means to be without fear. They go hand in hand. You cannot be in the vibration of love and be fearful in any meaningful way. It sounds cliche, but Love truly conquers all, is all you need, blah blah and etc. etc.

For the past 3 days, I have been in some new vibration of … joy perhaps? Love for sure. Embodiment as well. What does this mean? I’ll explain.

I admit when I started writing this I didn’t realize I would have to look up Joy, and then vibration. Sometimes it is extremely hard to convey an idea in English (or any language for that matter). Can I just send you a telepathic vibe and you get it? It was worth a try. But I digress. I found an interesting article that not only explained vibrations and alignment and it also taught me something. I was about to write “I am afraid I have found peace.” Do you hear my limiting words there? I’m afraid…perhaps I am, because I am not completely comfortable aligning myself with peace. But let’s save that for another time and go with this article at Above540.com. Here is an excerpt but I urge you to take a second to read it anyway.

You have most likely heard the saying “like attracts like”.  That is exactly what energetic vibration is – what vibration we send out, we attract back into our lives.  You cannot pick up a frequency that you are not on. If you are listening to 93.1 FM you cannot pick up 108.3FM; to do that you need to tune into that station.  Your energetic vibration works the same way, if you want to feel more joy for example you need to align to that vibration.

It began with me taking responsibility. I had to take responsibility for my feelings and my actions, and be present. Wow that was hard. It was so much easier at times to just say F-it and zone out or do whatever I wanted with no care for the consequences. Not only did that leave me in a spot where I was not rising above the grief I deal with, it also meant that I was creating new situations that came with negative emotions. I think I went an entire year where I was wavering between “This isn’t who I am or want to be” and “Who cares, what’s the use anyway.” So I became responsible for my actions and reactions, stay present, and deal with things in the moment. So far so good.

Last Saturday evening I was at a bar watching football. There were two guys who were probably the rudest, most obnoxious humans I’ve been around in awhile. They were so bad I found myself wanting to go rip them a new one and I found them hard to ignore. At some point though, I remembered that they needed more love not less. I mentally told them I love you, and may you be blessed. Looking back they seemed to have calmed down a bit and finally left. But either way I felt better and was back in the vibration of love. I find myself there most of the time lately, and it’s a good “clean” feeling. That was the word that wanted to be written, so let’s go with clean!

This has all fostered a state of embodiment, where my higher mind isn’t so much higher anymore. I don’t have to reach so far to commune with my soul essence. I have ascended some and it has descended some more. Perhaps a good common usage word is simply a state of enlightenment. I certainly feel enlightened (and wish I was actually lighter! LOL). At any rate, I feel completely different about my environment, the world, you, and everything.

In this state, I have no real fears. There is no doom and gloom, only information to be processed. I do fall back down into grief, and sadness, but I love myself for it because it’s because I love and miss my daughter. Now that I know what this higher vibration feels like, it is fairly easy to rise back up to it quickly.

Now I know why I wrote the word clean. I told a friend earlier today that if the world ended tomorrow, I feel like my heart is clean and no harm will come to me. No real harm. Whatever comes next, I’m ready.

That’s it for today. Love, Namaste, Peace, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3 < 3

Sep 12

Musings for 9/12/2016

Today’s blog has a more serious tone. Sorry folks, but sometimes we have to really open our eyes to what is happening around us. I have long felt that the most important thing to open our eyes to, though, is to ourselves.

What brought this up for me was last night trying to sleep, I was reminded of a recurring irritation that I’ve been having, with ME, about my response to my friend JK about those K-Cup things. I posted awhile ago about a K-Cup margarita maker and she replied with some truth, telling me those things do not biodegrade and are killing the environment.

I realized immediately after my reply, which was short and possibly rude, that while I did not know that they harmed the environment etc., this was an inconvenience for me and I didn’t want to hear it. I was embarrassed but promptly buried it. Or so I thought, because I’ve already said it keeps coming back up in my mind.

First let me say that I apologize to JK for being short in my reply. I said “No I didn’t know” or something like that, but the energy behind it effectively shut down the conversation. And I apologize to Me because, well, I didn’t do myself any good service by turning a blind eye to the truth.

I knew I had to write about this today and yet I still ignored it. Then the very last available YouTube video on my Subscription feed was this lady talking about her channel being attacked and how people are uncomfortable hearing truths. LOL! Ok, good one guys. I get it. Enough said. And so here I am sharing with you all.

There are many reasons why people do not want to hear truths. Maybe they are painful. Sometimes they are horrific, or about someone they know and love but not in a good way. Maybe acknowledging them and not taking action would make you a “bad person.” Blah blah etc. etc. But the one thing that stands alone is that they are often-times INCONVENIENT. Yep, I’m channeling Al Gore here. An inconvenient truth.

Inconvenient because I have to stop buying K-Cups (I don’t even own a K-Cup type of machine, by the way, LOL!). Inconvenient because I have to apologize for my rude behavior. Inconvenient because I have to admit to Me that I acted in a way I wouldn’t want someone to have acted towards me, and that I was very service to self in not giving a damn about others (the environment affects us all). And inconvenient because all of this has wasted my damn time. I could have been doing something more enjoyable, or attended to it sooner, blah blah etc. etc.

I also have to inconveniently take responsibility for discerning truth from lies. Here’s an easy example: The bug spray is perfectly safe for you to use. The label says so. Everyone uses it. The authorities say so. But in reality, is it? Chemicals are never safe. They are not natural, they are created in a lab, our bodies absorb them, and they are toxic to bugs (thus to other living things). I’m an intelligent being and I just gave you what’s off the top of my head without researching each chemical component of bug spray. I used my mind. But I could have opted out of responsibility and truth by just stopping at “They say it’s safe. Everyone uses it.”

And let me tell you something folks…knowledge is certainly power but comes at a price. You can’t have it both ways or you majorly #FAIL. Having knowledge, I cannot use the bug spray any more than I can use the K-Cup. Perhaps only if my life is in immediate danger or some other strange circumstance. At any rate it’s not always fun. So what’s a person to do then?

You don’t dwell on the negative. Switch your attention and focus to something more enjoyable. You don’t have to discard the knowledge, just don’t live in the negative emotions you may have towards it. Do feel them, then thank them and send them on their way. If you are like me and tend to overthink things, get yourself a plan. If I find myself without coffee and the only way to get some is to use a K-Cup, I’m sure I can find a way to empty it and put it in a recycle bin. If I am somewhere and somehow required to use bug spray, I will comply but with peaceful dissent. I am not in control of anything but my actions and reactions. If it was a life or death situation I would make a less peaceful dissent, but that’s what my brain is for. Which is the whole point – use your brains, and your emotions, discern truth, and act accordingly. It’s simple when you take the “monkey mind” out of it.

And with that, my monkey mind has stopped the flow. Love and Blessings, Peace and Namaste, some Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3