Sep 11

Musings for 9/11/2016

Boy do I have a lot to write about today, but first I will go ahead with the obligatory remembrance of 9/11. While some see it differently, me and many others like me saw it at the time as an event that resulted in an outpouring of compassion instead of something else. Compassion for our fellow humans, both “victim” and other. For those of you who know me, no I do not believe the official story. But, I did witness the horror that the perpetrators visited upon Earth, for the entirety of our planet was affected and continues to be today in so many ways. I invite you to choose Love instead of hate, vengeance, fear, or anything else really. Just choose Love.

Now back to me 🙂 I have a very self-serving need to express myself today. Never in my life before the past two years have I had such introspection on a daily basis. I did a lot of introspection when I went through the emotional clearing processes that I learned back in the late 90’s, but nothing like this. Then I had to go looking for what was affecting me. Now it slaps me right in the face on an almost constant basis.

I had a very nice week in FL and was kept quite busy. On a few occasions I had to look away from things – families, children, etc. – but for the most part I was in a nice joyful bubble and quite enjoyed myself for the first extended time in awhile with just a few bumps in the road. The morning I woke up longing for Erin was hard as was that day, but I’m speaking overall.

That promptly ended in the airport yesterday. I saw more little girls and their daddies and mommies than I could withstand. In the line to get on one plane, I stood behind one of them and quietly cried. My face gets beet red and swollen when I cry just a little, so I had to hold it in or I would have looked a mess for 30-40 minutes. But I had to let it out for a minute or two.

Coming home wasn’t any better. I have trouble leaving my house…seems I also have trouble coming home to it after an extended absence. I really expected her to be here. And I was so tired I had to take a nap, but so sad that I cried myself to sleep.

The irony is that earlier in the day I had been thinking of packing up her things when we eventually move, wondering if I really wanted to leave this house. Almost deciding I did not. We have an open house today…so it came up in my mind. I believe that I got my answer, though. I just can’t stay here. I had a day full of PTSD experiences yesterday and certainly being here does not help me to focus elsewhere. This was supposed to be my sanctuary, but instead it became failed dreams and sadness.

I guess I will get a final answer from the Universe today. I feel strongly we may get a buyer this time. But who knows. I have to let it go and let the Great Mystery handle it.

In other news, I began reading the RA Material (Law of One) yesterday and it made a lot of sense. I wonder why I haven’t read it before to be honest, but it makes sense in a way because I’m embarking on a new stage of my journey. I could feel that strongly this week. Change is messy, though, and so I would rather it just be instantaneous. Plus I’m weary. I have nothing left but Love inside of me. I hope something nice grows from that.

Blessings, Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3

Sep 09

Musings for 9/9/2016

What an exciting week! I hope everyone enjoyed all of the rocket and space sharings on FaceBook. Thank you for indulging my nerdiness and letting me share it with you. Several years ago I had the pleasure of taking a tour of the shuttle Atlantis before it was ready for it’s last voyage. I have supported NASA either directly or indirectly for the last 12 years and I have really just been very lucky, and been in the right place at the right time with the right people, to be able to see these behind the scenes things like the shuttle and the VAB (Vertical Assembly Building). Yes, I do believe in the Secret Space Program (for whoever wonders) but that in no way diminishes my love for NASA and those who participate in the agency. When you support something and know the people, it instills a pride in you that otherwise you can’t imagine.

I’m also a life-long Star Trek fan, and the OSIRIS-REx/Atlas V just happened to launch on the 50th anniversary. I was lucky to meet the mission manager, and asked him if he planned that after he shared he too was a Star Trek fan. No, wasn’t planned (or was it? LOL!) but still a very neat synchronicity.

Now most of you know that I have been trying to find a pathway to Joy, and I’ve written about it a lot lately. I realized on Monday when I flew down here that it was a key component in changing my reality. I say that – I realized and FELT it in a way that had previously not understood. I was able to make that work for me on the plane. I usually hate plane rides but this one was different. I made sure to en-Joy myself all week in fact. It’s amazing how the energy changes and things just go your way when you are acting and reacting with Love. Instant joy.

Ah, but it has been a struggle. This is the second time I have come to Orlando without Erin. There are a lot of tourists here – families – and that is very hard for me. I can barely look their way, or towards anything Disney. The beach is hard as well. Hell, vacations, hotel rooms, etc. Those are things we did as a family and now, we are missing someone very much. It really dampens any attempt to feel good.

I still wonder…how do I get to Joy when I am so sad? I have let go of trying to understand it and am just doing what I am guided to do. There is nothing else that I can do. My human mind cannot control this situation, nor can it find the solution. I did FEEL this afternoon how strong the belief is in where my path will lead me. So that is progress, but the missing Erin and sadness is still very strong. I woke up one morning in a panic again, knowing she is gone. Not here. It took half a day to get over that. And I do it silently. Shaun has the same struggles, you know, so I don’t want to help him to feel worse than he already does. I feel strongly about that. He and I have different tools to deal, and I will handle mine and be available to help him handle his.

Now without the distractions, it’s hard being here in Orlando. Memories pop up out of nowhere and everywhere. So I’m ready to come home. We have an open house on Sunday. I am looking forward to selling our home and putting that part behind us. That’s another entire ball of sadness that I will try to express at a later time.

We have a long day of travel tomorrow, as our travel plans got changed somewhat. Let’s hope I can press on with the power of high vibrational, positive thinking and think my reality just like Abraham’s teachings. One day at a time.

Blessings, Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3

Sep 07

Musings for 9/7/2016

Ah, September we made it! Ha ha! But seriously, at least for me September feels so much different than August. Even though we are in the middle of a Mercury Retrograde, and the sun has been spewing protons and electrons at us for days, and this and that, my September has really been fabulous so far. Granted my standards for that are lowered after the last few years but hey, I’ll take what I can get!

I have known for years that how we perceive things is how we experience them. For instance, I can choose to perceive you as a jerk and allow myself to react with anger, or I can perceive you any number of other ways and choose to react differently. And I use that example because it certainly will create my reality, or what I experience next in our interaction. I think that’s a very easy example to sink our teeth into. With that said, I tried for years to really “get” that concept and it was elusive to me. Part of my problem is that I was mentally there but my emotional body had not caught up. Fast forward to Erin’s illness, and I was fraught with worry but my mind was saying things are fine. I never could be at peace emotionally, or in balance, even though I craved it.

To change your reality, your thoughts, your life, you have to use both emotion and intellect. The heart is the most powerful EM field around and it drives creation in your little world. Recently, I had an experience where I was told my house was going to show. When I hung up with my realtor, I had a complete panic attack and I felt the shock wave go out. Five minutes later she called to cancel. Yes, I did that. The potential buyers felt the shock wave of my emotion and my mind could not override that. They must work in concert.

I really have no flipping idea why I am telling you all this today. As always I did not know exactly what I would write when I decided it was time to do so. Maybe it’s because I needed to share what I am learning. Even as I began to write, I realized that my idea of the vibration of joy is actually a construct in my mind. So is my idea of peace, and even strength. During Erin’s illness I desperately wanted peace, but I can see now that it was an idyllic scene from a movie or something that I was going after. What is true peace to me? What is joy? I thought joy was pure bliss. Maybe it is, or maybe it’s just being in a state of happiness even if it doesn’t feel over the top. Right now I suspect I have achieved joy, today at least. And it does not feel over the top but it does feel good…and peaceful if you can believe that.

But oh, back to creating our reality…I have been aware of Abraham’s teachings for quite some time but only recently have I really understood them. My friend Roel posted something the other day about thinking your reality into being (it was an Abraham quote). Well, I used that, along with my heart center, when I got onto my first plane on Monday and it worked beautifully. I am afraid to fly, afraid of turbulence most of all, and yet I thought a peaceful flight with nice people to sit by into being. I allowed it to manifest on both legs of my flight and was thrilled. So far my trip has been very easy going, because I set the tone and I am living the tone (vibration).

Now I realize that I have very poorly explained this whole thing, but I find that many of the things I understand now I finally understood in a way that are beyond our language capabilities. Another reason to open your hearts. The heart always understands, no matter what it is. That is important to know.

I can feel positive changes coming up in my life which will propel me into my next adventure. I wish the same for all of you.

Peace, Blessings, Namaste, Nutsmaste, and #missingerin and #LovingErin <3

 

Aug 30

Musings for 8/30/2016

Ok, so I was wrong. Tomorrow is the last day of August 🙂 And on that day I have a lunch scheduled with my mother’s 2nd husband, Jerry. For some reason he likes my company, and in the many years that have passed I have let go of my disdain and anger towards him. He is now close to 80 and has barely been loved in his lifetime. So what I can give, I give. I would do it for you too. Everyone deserves more kindness and more love.

Seems a fitting closure to a month of agony. And September is the 9th month. 9’s are endings, closure, and the like. Jerry was present when my life took at turn for the horrible around age 7, and oddly enough is present now. So that’s why I say, fitting closure. I don’t know what it means but will go with the flow to find out.

I’ve had a split personality of sorts so far today. I woke with a searing emotional agony, missing my Erin, and have flipped a few times to emotional balance and a desire to resume my studies and meditation practices.

I have to say I have been a little surprised at the intensity of my heart chakra aching…searing pain really…because I haven’t felt it in that manner for a long time. And the deep regrets have come back as well. I know in her expanded consciousness, not locked into our limited brains, she understands but regardless my soul is not going to feel clean until I can make amends. It doesn’t matter what for, only that things of many sorts are brought into my awareness on a daily basis. And each time, I think “I did not need to say that unkind thing.” or “why would I have done that to her?” Whereas most people, going about their lives, think oh, forget it. It was nothing. Blah blah. If I haven’t forgotten I can’t let myself off the hook for it. I can’t go on nonchalantly thinking my words and actions don’t matter. They matter. Yours do too.

I commented on a friend’s thread a day or so ago about her mother dying, and I said have no regrets (or something similar). Some other lady thought she would speak up and, let me just say, while I’m sure you meant well you have no idea lady. You have no idea what it is like to survive the love of your life, your child, and carry regret over things done, things undone, things said and things not said. While death is all about the patient, indeed, it is also transforming to those that continue to live. Sometimes in the most painful ways.

I had less regret over my mother. By the time that we realized what was up with her, it was too late. She had dementia and nothing I said or did would be retained. So we couldn’t talk about what went wrong in our relationship, I could say I’m sorry but it was never received by anything but perhaps her higher self or soul. And she never took the opportunity to make amends with me, for so many things. I came to terms with that though, before she died.

Everyone is different but to those who will now tell me “Oh honey, they hear you, and you can resolve this now with their spirits.” Uh uh. Oh, sure I can. I apologize to Erin every time I have a thought of an event, word, deed, etc. But folks, we are in human bodies having a physical experience. When things do not get resolved in the physical – this physical world – they are unresolved. You all know that I believe that I will see Erin in the physical, again and soon. But until that day, we have unresolved stuff. I ran out of time (that I didn’t know I was running out of) and it eats me alive. I have thought over and over if I only had 5 minutes, or 2, how do I pack it in to say what I need to say. Face to face. I’ve got an idea, as I’ve been over it many times.

One day I will shed this body and then I may discover that with love, everything is fine, resolved, done, complete. But my physical vehicle does not feel that way, now, in this physical world. A world of experiences, touch, sights, sounds, smells, and everything that is part of our realm.

As I was typing that last paragraph, I had a vision of me “cut off” from everything. In some sort of box, screaming but no one could hear or see me. And then, wouldn’t you know it, my internet connection is gone. That is a conversation for another day though. My flow is also gone.

Love to you all. Blessings, Peace, Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3 <3 < 3

Aug 29

Musings for 8/29/2016

August is almost over! Yes! It is my most terrible month, symbolizing all that is horrible in my world. But you knew that already. What some of you may not know is that it used to be a favorite month, because it’s the month of my birthday. I used to celebrate ME a lot. So much so that it was out of balance and I was a somewhat shitty person (Ok, fairly shitty person). Being a Leo did not help, nor did growing up in a dysfunctional family where my mother told me all the time how superior I was to everyone else. Did me no favors. But alas, here we are present day and I see the error of my ways. Too bad many of the hardest realizations came about in my most terrible month, and are now emblazoned on my soul in the most painful way.

I am crippled in many ways. I was full-steam ahead with tarot reading, and had to go back into my cocoon which means I haven’t been reading for anyone. I want to share with others, share in a manner that serves them, but I cannot so much as reach out by telephone at this point. It will shift, yes, but the shifts take a lot of time to happen. I go through them over and over so I already know. Oh, and did I mention that my service can’t take me to a place where I may become overly emotionally involved? Yeah, that’s a problem. Even though I feel yours too, I can’t be too close to them. Mine are overwhelming as it is.

So that was the long way of saying that I end August emotionally paralyzed and crippled. No they are subtly different if you were about to ask. But some good did come out of August…

Had another life-lesson in responsibility. That one was rather personal and so I will not share it here, but, let me just say that it was understood differently this time. In order to gain personal power (regain it), you have to take full responsibility for you. I am responsible for my personal (self) power. Thus, I must exercise that responsibility or give my personal power away. It doesn’t go both ways. I realize this is convoluted…needs to be fleshed out and I will soon. I think it goes with my old article called Complete Integrity. Anyway, self-mastery has many components, but responsibility is sort of the tie that binds. The glue if you will.

That lesson was painful for me, but I have moved on. Now I’m refocused on getting my house sold. We found one nearly finished that we like and we may make a contingent offer at the end of this week. I’ve begun to wonder if Erin really wanted us to move, if there was no sense in it due to some impending catastrophe, etc. Either way, I need to break away from this energy and move to the next place. Erin will always be able to find me, no matter what. Our bond is energetic and does not require physical coordinates to be known in advance. So I would like to get on with it.

Oh, and I am beginning to learn about essential oils and have bought a starter kit via Young Living. I have always thought I would like to do that, and I had the opportunity so here I am. I hope to integrate that into my offerings soon…if I ever get back to having offerings. SMH and UGH. Someone help me to move my butt!

Ok, that’s all the rambling for now. Blessings, Peace, Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3 <3

 

Aug 24

Musings for 8/24/2016

It is so hard to keep hope alive when you see the physical world crashing all around you. In recent few weeks, I have seen more people diagnosed as “eaten up with” cancer (as we say in the south). I have seen people with heart problems which are serious. I have seen people plunged into the depths of despair and grief. And that’s just people I know or know of. Then you have the little boy in Syria who was pulled from the rubble, and today a major earthquake in Rome.

Oh, floods in Louisiana. How could I forget that? I know people personally who lost everything. That brings me full circle to the little boy in Syria, his picture emblazoned across social media and probably every major newspaper and magazine by now. They said he didn’t cry or show emotion. That’s what happens when you become numb, pummeled with so much awfulness that you no longer have tears. It’s what you do to protect yourself from completely falling apart. And it’s dangerous in a world which already lacks empathy.

But what else can that poor little boy do? His city is being bombed daily, his family and friends are dying right in front of him, and people across the world don’t want to give his people refuge either because of their religion, skin color, or good old greed (you can’t have mine mentality). He has been stripped to nothing emotionally and it is likely that he will die soon. The physical death I mean, since he is probably emotionally dead already.

This little boy represents all of us. We are all dead in one aspect or another. Did I just mention that our world lacks empathy? That’s about as dead as you can get as a person. It means you are unfeeling, to lack empathy. You can or do not feel others pain and suffering, or joy for that matter. If that is so, how could you possibly feel your own? Rhetorical question…you cannot is the answer.

Yeah, it hurts to feel your own pain, and that of others. You may not be able to do anything possible to “fix” the issue causing you or another pain. But to understand and “get it” means that you can give them the love, respect, and space that they need to heal. Or you. I bet you, who is reading this now, needs to heal something. At least one thing.

I know that the anger being lashed out from everyone upon everything these days, is nothing more than hurt being expressed in the only way a person is able to at that moment. Ah, it hurts to feel that too. It hurts the recipients, and even though the perpetrators may not feel it at the time, somewhere deep down it hurts them too. Yes, words hurt. Please remember that next time you name call, label, exclude someone, etc. It hurts. Please, stop it.

I did not know what I was going to write today but I love how it flowed out. Please, give love and receive it today. If you can’t give it, at least try to receive it. Receive the smile a stranger throws your way, or the thank you that someone meekly says, barely audible, as you  do something nice for them. Take it all the way down into your heart and feel it. It may change your life.

Special love and hugs today to A.D. and D.D. #MissingArcher and #LovingArcher

Hugs, Love, Blessings, Namaste, Nutsmaste, and I am so terribly #missingerin and #LovingErin

Aug 23

Musings for 8/23/2016

I have spent the last several days sick, and tired. I say that in amusement but seriously, so tired that I can hardly function. And of course I started feeling better by Saturday and then promptly kept plans to celebrate birthdays that evening, stayed out too late, and felt bad again on Sunday. I am still fatigued. Thankfully I go back to see the NMD on tomorrow.

So, I may not write when I feel that poorly but I still feel and think, and I went to sleep last night thinking about labels. You know, those things we use in language to divide ourselves from another person or group? To describe ourselves? Really though, how limiting is that! I realized as I was thinking about this that I cannot describe myself using labels of any sort, at least not without qualifiers. I see the world in very complex shades of gray. I don’t take anything at face value and I also don’t stereotype people. I find it very distasteful these days to see the polarizing labels people use. Democrat and Republican, liberal or conservative, black or white, etc. the list goes on. Actually, distasteful doesn’t quite cover it because usually when people use labels such as those, they are using them as an insult. As an “other” – as a “not me because my ideas are better.” I am pretty sure, though, that they don’t realize the impact of what they are throwing out there to the world when they do.

Based on what I see out there, I suppose that since I believe I should be kind and giving to others that I am a liberal. But what does that even mean? I really don’t know. I believe WE should be kind, loving, accepting, and giving to others. Be of service, not to get anything but just because. I could write you a several page essay on my views on that. Like I said – complex shades of gray. And keep in mind that my gray may not be the same shade as the dude sitting next to me who may have been lumped in with me. It’s just not that simple if you take a moment to really think about things.

We have a really troubling mentality in the world today. To get a little metaphysical on you, I learned a long time ago that Earth was supposedly an experiment in polarity. Well, I’d say we are as polarity driven as we are going to get. It’s us vs them all the time, in every thing and every idea. Hey universe – we mastered it! Now can we have some unity please? Thank you.

And actually, the entire polarity and unity things are complex as well. Are we talking about 3D unity? Or something on a higher scale? Because in the 3D you have polarized love and hate. And people don’t even understand love. Everyone thinks it’s romantic, and conditional. You act nicely and I will love you. Unconditional love by it’s very divinity breeds unity. Yes, I said divinity. It’s the Christ consciousness, that stuff Jesus the Christ was talking about 2000 years ago when he was here way before his time. He planted the seed and it’s just now growing, albeit much too slow for my taste. I guess we earthlings are very stubborn.

Other than that troubling me, obviously I had a hard week last week. Two years without the love of my life is more than any one should bear. So I have ups and downs and pick myself up and keep on going. whatever your trouble I hope you are able to do the same, in love and kindness.

Blessings, namaste, nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3

Aug 12

Musings for 8/12/2016

Ok, so the irony is that I am here typing, but the reality is that I am in a mode again where I am unable to express. I forced myself to begin blogging again the other day and I think it has been helpful even though I haven’t followed through with much of anything else. I have ignored a mentored tarot reading through the ITF (International Tarot Foundation) for the last almost 2 weeks, and finally explained myself. She was gracious enough to let me off the hook and I told her I needed to take a break. I started the reading yesterday and it was actually going to be quite interesting, but I lost the flow and just can’t make myself go back to it. Everything outside of myself is a burden right now.

In fact, I am probably having to take on an extra burden for work next week for four days, and I am honestly mad about it since it’s not my responsibility in the first place. I suppose the person shoving it my way isn’t thinking that Monday won’t be a good day for me, and that Thursday is my birthday and won’t be a good day for me either. Seeing the dates on the calendar just sucks ass. I know they are just days, I know they only have the significance that I assign to them. I also know that no matter how much time has passed, I don’t have to relive the event or the loss of not seeing someone on my birthday, or whatever. But the reality is that I do. So I have to go and smile and shit with people next week when I really do not want to do that. If you run into me with my sparkling attitude next week, it’s all fake in case you wonder.

And here’s another irony…I’m about to talk about Joy. I haven’t really consulted my guidance, meditated, or anything of the sort in a bit now, but last week I was told loud and clear that the key to everything is the vibration of joy. I had to write a specific friend and admit that I was having trouble with the idea of accepting Joy into my life. I haven’t yet admitted it publicly so here I am. How do you invite Joy in, when everything that should be joyful is missing something integral to the joy? And here I am going to go all psycho analytical on me and you too…Joy comes from within, not with out. You don’t find joy outside of yourself. It doesn’t need any one or any thing else to happen.

But everyone who has come across that epiphany hasn’t lost their child. I’ve learned these things since I’ve been grieving. I have said it before but I have had to eat many words I spewed out upon others as self-help type teachings. I’ve felt myself cringe when replaying things I’ve said to others, knowing now that I had no context and thus no empathy for them. I have realized that NO WHERE in self-help, metaphysical teachings, religious teachings, or even grief counseling does anything address, or adequately address, the loss of a child. Nothing, nowhere. I promise you that. And I have come to the mental conclusion that it is because there is no cure for this ill. No one knows how to make the hurting stop, and no one knows how to help.

Those that think they know how, it’s clear they have not lost a child. I don’t know how to help you either. I have cried for many friends who I have seen go through my pain since mine began, knowing it’s a freaking life sentence. it’s a death sentence. You’re screwed. And all of the shit that people say to be helpful is more hurtful for the most part. I can’t very well write and sell a book called You’re Screwed now can I? Why is buying that? Well maybe the people who want the painful truth instead of the other shit well-meaning people and grief counselors tell them. But most people don’t want that.

As a reminder, I’m not a licensed counselor but I had years of emotional clearing experience and training from a metaphysical teacher. Had I NOT had this life experience, I would have been so much worse off than I am. I had done very much inner work that had prepared me for the shit storm of, well, shit, that I’ve been through over the past few years. Which is why I didn’t find grief counseling all that helpful. I had done the majority of work that they prescribed before. I did find some of it helpful though and had a really nice counselor. I probably should have told her I was done and gave her a goodbye. Anyway…

Since nothing can relieve my pain, I have tried to focus on being a better person. For many reasons really. First, I do not want Erin’s body’s death to be in vain. I need to ensure it has some value and in that sense, I will do what I’m called to do. I haven’t been very proactive but my adult life has been on a track towards helping others. And I think that becoming a better person and helping others is a nice tribute to her. She was kind and loving and helpful, and so I want to be more so. Also, I am a firm believer that if I don’t live out my purpose here, I will have failed and have to reincarnate again and go through the same heartache and pain. I need to get this right, whatever right is. But I can’t get it right if I throw the towel in and leave this body. It’s not my time yet, or I would have died of heart break already. And on a slightly different bent, I understand what so many are going through. If helping them is simply telling them that I love them and I care, well, then pencil me in for the remainder of my life here.

The biggest irony is that I never understood, not in my heart or fully, unconditional love until Erin was gone. It could have been beautiful if I had while she was still here, but it took her passing out of my sight and grasp for me to download that into my being and feel it in my heart. That really sucks, but in another way it has completely changed my life. I see on a daily basis that people don’t understand unconditional love. They misjudge it, reject it, and mostly because they don’t feel it. They can’t get it if they don’t feel it, and I don’t know how to give it to them. I guess with my actions and emotions. Maybe I am now an unconditional love inoculation device. I’ll go with that. It makes me feel like I have a purpose. LOL

And so I’m gong to stop this long rambling now and get more coffee. I really had no idea what I was going to say when I began, which is why I like blogging so much. You’re not hearing the mental me, you’re hearing what’s deep inside of me pouring out onto paper (well, screen).

I love you all and send you blessings, Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3 <3

Aug 11

Musings for 8/11/2016

Every day brings new understandings and discoveries. You just have to be aware of your thoughts and feelings and environment and then, well, it’s amazing what you notice.

For instance, this morning I was sitting here working and felt a huge, horrible punch in my gut. I wasn’t consciously thinking of Erin, but I knew immediately what that feeling was. I also realized that I don’t have to be wrapped up in my thoughts (i.e., mental) to be grieving. I think that’s important for those without context to get. We can’t just forget about it…or we can, but it doesn’t fix the issue. Grieving is a physical body, biological and mental and emotional body, whole Self thing. It is 24/7 and it never turns off. It changes is all. Today was a change. I have not yet experienced this particular flavor of grief and that’s why I’m writing about it.

I also realized that I have reached another milestone. I no longer have the need to explain to anyone why I know I will see Erin again, or to debate about how that will happen, or to even tell them for that matter. (Yes, I realize I’m telling it now.)  It’s a given, and it will happen and “soon” by some universal standard at least. Having that knowing makes me feel somewhat better. I wonder how people who have resigned to the “fact” that they will never see their loved ones again feel? Worse than I do I’m sure. I can’t say if they will see them again or not and so I can’t give anyone hope, except that miracles do and will continue to happen. It doesn’t matter what usually happens, has happened, or you’ve been told is or isn’t possible. You listen to your own guidance. I did, and it was miraculously validated several times by people I didn’t even know. Now that is astounding and something to get excited about.

In other news, this week I have seen fear rule. It rules people’s hearts and minds, and it results in ugly, ugly behavior and words. It rules in the name of religion, in the name of jealousy, in the name of all things good and bad, yet, it’s a terrible illusion. When we start looking at people heart to heart, instead of ego to ego, then you will know who and what is worthy of fear.

I’ll give you a few examples. When I grew up in the south, I was told all sorts of very ugly and untrue things about black people. And as a young child, I’m sure that I believed that they were true and applied to all black people. But as I grew, I met black people – all sorts of people really – and I never had another thought about what I had been told because I looked into their hearts. Have I ever met a terrible black person? Sure. And lots of awful white people too. They aren’t awful because they are black or white. They are awful because they are assholes. Get it?

A slightly different flavor…have you ever thought…Well that should make me mad. That is disrespectful. Blah blah. I have. I have as recently as this year in fact, and I had to think about it, because I wasn’t mad, and I didn’t feel disrespected. I still had ingrained societal “should’s” bothering me though, so thankfully my heart knew what was what.

I got interrupted and have lost my flow of thought, so I’ll just go ahead and end today’s musing with this: You are Love(d) and you are Beauty. <3 <3

Blessings, Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3

Aug 08

Musings for 8/8/2016

For those of you who follow it, today is the Lions Gate 8-8. On top of that, the energy coming off the sun is geomagnetic storm high and we are being bombarded with all sorts of cosmic energy. Good thing too, because otherwise I might just sink into a pit of despair.

If you have followed my blog for the last two years, I know it’s been pretty pitiful. If I have taught anything from my being and my words, I hope it is that grief does not end. It doesn’t get better. It does change, and sometimes from day to day just like a yo-yo going up and down or the moon waxing and waning. Today I am … OK. Tomorrow, perhaps not so much. I do know that 2 years ago today I still did not know that Erin’s body was dying. I was, however, too upset to think too much about it being Greg’s birthday, but still thought we would have a wake for him when Erin got out of the hospital. Needless to say we never had Greg’s wake and of course, Erin never came home from the hospital.

I know that many of you who read me here are not the same audience who might read my articles on emotional health, metaphysics, etc. So I really do try to accommodate you all by not getting too deep. I certainly don’t want to turn anyone off due to religious affiliation, etc. But I ask you to keep an open mind and to also know that words are just words. Sometimes what we see and feel in our hearts is nearly the same, but we mince words and well, become divided. I say this only because it’s time for me to get back to my work and that is…ummm…healer of souls. You laugh? Me too 🙂

Not too long ago someone asked me what my specialty was and before I knew it I had blurted out healing souls. Anyway, my particular niche I think is to help people work through their emotional patterns and to know that they are loved. Now that’s a very broad generalization but I know you didn’t come here to read that today. If you did, drop me a comment below or ask a question and I’ll get to it ASAP.

I want to take the time now, though, to remember my friend Lisa Lessard. I wrote about Lisa recently, well a few months ago, and posted the beautiful necklace that she had sent me and the key chain that she had sent Shaun. Lisa was from CO, and we had originally been FarmVille friends on FaceBook. When Erin’s body died, she asked for a bracelet, and wrote to tell me she wore it every day and that it gave her comfort, and lots of sweet other things. She was very special to me and, well, she passed away around a month ago from cancer.

I have wondered if this is too personal to share, but her niece sent me a lovely note and a few gifts after Lisa passed. The note says:

Dearest Nicole,

You have been a very important part of my life. You have given to so many people even as you go through your heart break. Amazingly, through your pain, you have helped myself and countless others face their problems with a “can do” spirit. Erin Alyssa and I are going Fishing!

Love,

Lisa

I have experienced so much beauty and kindness in the past 2 years that I cannot possibly put it into words. But I think that maybe the energy in Lisa’s letter to me embodies it, and so I decided to share it with you. I remember each of you reaching out, may not remember exactly what you said but I remember that you cared. I remember the donations that kept us out of debt, and I have recovered enough emotionally that I feel guilty for taking them! I remember those who brought food, who took me to lunch when I didn’t want to leave the house, who sat with me as I cried (and told me not to feel stupid afterwards). I remember…whatever it was…I remember. And I am still and forever grateful.

I haven’t written in a month because I’ve been in a funk again. Not the same sort of funk but a funk nevertheless. I haven’t read tarot, I haven’t meditated, I have just zoned out as much as possible. I know I have to attend to me, and to you, again as I feel the call. Funny week to send me a nudge guys (talking to my team).

Please send Shaun and I some love over the airwaves as we come up on 8/14. We miss her so much, it’s beyond belief.

Love, blessings, nutsmaste and Namaste, and #missingerin and #LovingErin <3