Jul 11

Musings for 7/11/2016

It seems that I spend most of my days in complete and utter dread. Every day brings me closer to some anniversary of something that I wish had not occurred, brings me pain, and that I have to try to ignore. I have been on hyper sensitive mode lately, so if you think I have ignored your pain anytime we have interacted lately, you’re right. I have. I have to. I cannot bear mine and even acknowledging yours. Yeah I know how that sounds, but it’s the best I can do for now. I would like to do better in the near future.

I am trying to keep following the path that the universe has set forth for me. I haven’t mentioned that in a long while so let me give you an update. I figured out that I need to give myself a break on all of the guilt and regret that I carry. Easier said than done but at least I understand now that I actually got the message. I made tremendous mistakes throughout life, in many areas, and I kept making them. I wasn’t always being selfish, but I certainly didn’t know how to get my needs met in a functional way. Fear of “losing” something was a lot of my problem. Losing “Me” time, losing my identity, giving more than I thought I should have to because it was someone else’s turn to do ???, whatever. But I got the message. I learned. I understand and I am painfully aware. I am afraid I would make the same mistakes again, but I don’t think I would. Most of my dysfunction now comes from a place of misery and trying to drown that out. So I passed the test finally. I got an A.

I could say “at what cost?” but then that’s going back to a really “3D” perspective on existence. By 3D, I mean, a materialistic egocentric viewpoint. But anyway, why you ask? LOL Well because I believe that our soul never dies. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe I am here to experience and thus to learn. I believe that one day I will be released from this life and go back home, wherever that is, or at least be free to resume a happy life on some other plane of existence. Still, here I am stuck in this linear time based BS and to put it plainly, it really sucks.

And so if I believe all of that crap (said tongue in cheek), then I am really getting the bang for my buck in regards to experience. I really hit the gold mine when my child died didn’t I? I should be thankful, full of gratitude, knowing it’s all an illusion. Blah blah blah. Really, most of the spiritual or religious crap that people use to try and console themselves, just doesn’t do it for me. It doesn’t do it for most people who are truly suffering. There is no one who can help me but me, and that’s the irony. The most recent analogy given to me in meditation is that there is some magic code to the emotion of Joy that I have to figure out, and once I open that lock and turn the door handle, it all comes together. I just have to hit that vibration once and BOOM, there we go. It’s all about vibration/frequency/harmonics you know. Why do you think Heaven is “up?” Because you “rise” to get there. Rise in frequency. And personally, I think heaven is anywhere that isn’t here. This is basically a pretty planet but damn, life here is harsh and it sucks. I would like my check please and a cab ride home. Does Uber travel the frequency octaves?

I had no idea that I was going to blog all of that today. Really I had meant to talk about #BlackLivesMatter. I had an epiphany yesterday that really sort of embarrassed me but I want to share it anyway. So I was ashamed when I suddenly realized when I have been hearing that black lives matter, that it made me feel like my white life didn’t matter. Like black people were saying that. Hmmm…they weren’t and nope, it wasn’t implied either. So why did I react that way? I can hide it from you, but I can’t hide how I felt from me and so out with it! I’ve been mulling it over ever since, trying to clear up those inferior emotions. There is absolutely nothing wrong with black lives mattering or the #BlackLivesMatter movement. And yes, I still say that every life matters, but I get why we need to all get our heads out of our asses about black lives right now. By the way my white friends…it’s implied that white lives matter. Everywhere, every day. White Privilege is a real thing, it’s just never talked about and many of us never realize that it even exists until we see someone non-white being mistreated. On that note, I would submit to you all that it’s not just non-white lives, though, that are devalued. It’s more than likely a socioeconomic thing that is perpetrated top-down. Someone should do a study on that.

So folks, no one is trying to tell you that your life doesn’t matter. It does. But for Pete’s sake, can we stand up and say that we value black lives? I can – #BlackLivesMatter . I mean that. Because #EveryLIfeMatters and that means non-human too. I admonish you all to stop being selfish, and stop being afraid. I was afraid, afraid of being excluded. But that’s not it. I saw a great analogy the other day in regards to Bob is Hungry…Bob Deserves Food. Someone said Everyone Deserves Food. Ok, so they do. But that’s not helping Bob, who has no food. Bob Deserves Food!

I guess that is my PSA for the day, or the week. I really don’t know what else to do but to share my experiences, inner and outer, with you guys. That’s why I do it. If it has value to me, maybe it does for someone else. I have the strangest urge now to quote Kid Rock so I will – Now get in the pit and try to love someone! LOL Ok, now that’s out of my system…

Peace, love, kindness, blessings, Nutsmaste, Namaste, #missingerin, and #LovingErin <3

Jul 05

Musings for 7/5/2016

Oh boy am I depressed. I hate to admit it, mostly to myself, because it feels so damn bad and I don’t want to have to face facts that I feel this shitty. Two years ago we had a lovely July 4th, watched fireworks with Erin and friends at the Hampton House and it was a lot of fun. I remember I had a beer and she spanked my bottom. Mommy didn’t drink around Erin because my mother was a drunk and I never appreciated it to say the least. Anyway, I told her I was only having one or two if that was ok with her. Barely a month later and she was in ICU dying. Who knew 🙁

We did run into an old friend on Sunday while visiting the Elks Lodge. That was nice and uplifting. I gave her my message of Love and it made me feel good to pass that on. Love is really a cure all you know? Ah, but when you don’t feel much self love the feeling doesn’t last. By any standard I have a lot to be in gratitude for, but I’ve got that wound that won’t heal. So it’s pain and suffering, no matter what I do.

I wondered when i started writing why I continue to share this with you all. The only answer I could come up with is that those of you who have no context, well, know that it doesn’t end and to be kind to your grieving friends. We can’t just feel better. It doesn’t work that way. I know I’ve said it before but here I am saying it again. It’s a life sentence in the worst prison imaginable.

News and social media isn’t very uplifting either, really. Murders, wars, politics, finger pointing, my god is better than yours, you are bad, those people over there are bad, blah blah, fear of economic collapse, the list goes on those are just what came to mind. Do you know how much time and energy we as a collective spend on anger and fear? Shit tons. There is no unity. I’m not even sure what unity looks like to be honest. The EU isn’t unity, and the US isn’t unity either. We say we celebrate differences but we don’t, we shun them and bully them out of the general population.

It occurs to me that realism is depressing. Guess that’s why most people live in a fantasy land of whatever it is that floats their boat while they overlook what’s really going on. That’s ok if that’s the best you can do. I get it. I do the best I can each day to survive just like you. Today I am barely doing it. Tomorrow, might be better.

Blessings, Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3

Jun 27

Musings for 6/27/2016

Undercurrents…of ??? Many things. I see undercurrents everywhere these past few days and while there is progress, there is a lot of unseen happening all around us. That’s not news, because there always is, but what I see isn’t necessarily on the positive spectrum.

They upset me too, these undercurrents. And truthfully I don’t like it. I don’t like not being in control of being in balance, and having my  heart chakra upset over things that really do not immediately affect my life. So why do I feel so passionately about some of this stuff? Well, more layers for me to clear in order to release judgments, pain, attachment, and go further into balance and the All That Is.

I know for some of you I am rambling aimlessly. Others will grok this in an instant. Ah, but now I have to get this all out.

Yesterday I read someone’s post, and I wish I had not read it at all. It basically stated that if you are asked to pray fro someone, and you send good vibes or anything but prayer, you clearly aren’t a Christian and your good vibes, etc. are not wanted or needed. And in addition, this person was mad about someone who did send good vibes. Wow. I really don’t know what to say. I didn’t want to have hurt feelings but I did. Nope, I wasn’t in any way part of the original conversation or the current one, in fact I hid it from my feed. Is my Love sent any less valuable than someone else’s prayers? I know it is not, but yeah I felt that way. I won’t withhold my Love from that person and may get chewed out for it later on, but still, the judgment hurt because my ego got hurt. It will pass, I will integrate this and learn from it. Thank you to the person who posted for the value, if you are reading, and know that I don’t want to judge you any more than you judged me.

Then there is the whole Mary Magdalene being accepted as an apostle by the Catholic Church. Well that’s what’s going around FB anyway, but that wasn’t what they said. They simply gave her the same “calendar year” apostle status by granting her a feast day. Progress yes, but do not kid yourselves, religion will not elevate a woman to a man’s status without being forced, and that doesn’t really achieve any loving goals. And again, why do I care? I really don’t, but it bothers me that so many people are parroting back the statement and it’s simply not what it seems. Now why does that bother me? I do not know. I’m almost ashamed to have even written about it. but that’s more than enough reason to look at it. Need to purge this from my system too.

There’s more than this brewing under the surface but honestly at this point I would just be bitching about other people, so I have to condense the emotions into what is really bothering me. If you didn’t figure it out yet, I don’t yet know. All of this stuff is a symptom of the real issue…whatever that is. When I figure it out I will let you know in case maybe it helps you.

I sense a long road ahead for everything that the intense energies of the solstice brought up. A very long road. I don’t know if that’s just for me or for others too. I’m almost too tired for it, but alas, I always comply with what the universe asks of me. Onward and upward I guess…

Blessings, Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3

Jun 22

Musings for 6/22/2016

As I typed my very bland title (LOL), I heard two song verses in my mind. The first was “Off we go, into the wild blue yonder.” The second was Tom Petty singing “Into the great wide open, under those skies of blue…” I have to say that I do not have the foggiest idea what that is about yet, and put the emphasis on foggy. I am very tired, slept 14 hours last night and am still in a daze I’m so groggy. And just in case anyone can decode all of this for me today, I typed “horus” instead of hours in the previous sentence before I corrected it, so it actually read “14 horus.” I am too pooped to consider the numerology (it’s a 5), but I did Google Horus (too pooped to pull it from memory) and oddly, the first link was to “Jesus and Horus.” Never seen that in a sentence before, but I get the link between.

Also interesting is that when Osiris (Horus’ father) was killed, he was chopped into 14 pieces. Again, too pooped to party here but it is interesting to me anyway.

That said, it occurs to me that some of this is indicative of going through the underworld and then rebirth into the light, and thus into Love. It’s a vibration, a frequency, a harmonic, and so it is entirely a different world than the one we inhabit today.

Anyway, yesterday I had lunch with an old friend who shared her journey of pain and love with me. I say pain and love because while different from my own, she has had a journey of suffering over her lifetime, and yet she reacts with Love. I am honored to be walking this path with her and I know there are more of us out there. Every time we act and react with Love, we make a difference. Love and kindness are the best weapons ever, I kid you not. 🙂

That’s all I can eek out in my foggy state. Really, I am in danger of falling asleep as I type this. Wish me luck in waking up!

Blessings, Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3

Jun 20

Musings for 6/20/2016

SummerSolsticeFor the last several years, Erin and I would color beautiful mandalas for the Summer Solstice and then go spend some time outside in nature. We would read summer solstice stories that almost always involved fairies and other elemental creatures, and of course their gratitude for the life-giving light of the sun. I don’t do any of those things anymore, but I would be remiss if I didn’t recognize this magically energetic time of year.

From a metaphysical standpoint, this is a time of immense growth possibilities. Sometimes we call it a portal opening and closing, or a gate. The idea is that just as the “veil” is thin for instance during the time of Halloween, so it is also during solstices and equinoxes. It allows us some extra energy movement, as well as perhaps some help from “above,” in becoming better versions of ourselves.

For some on an intense spiritual path, the energy can be overwhelming near a solstice or equinox. Its as if it beams directly at us, making us tired, feel bad, etc. Really it is purifying and cleansing our bodies as we imbibe the pure white light energy coming from the creator source. Ok, now I’ve gone all off in the clouds on everyone. Let me come back down to earth LOL.

So yesterday was Father’s Day. I know at least one of you wants to know…yes, it sucked. Sucked a big one (you insert what you want for “one.” I have several entries for that.). There was at least a couple of people who still don’t seem to understand that while you may still celebrate it, we do not. BECAUSE IT IS PAINFUL TO US, LIKE BEING ON A BED OF NAILS. Or maybe having your fingernails ripped out. I realize that not everyone is cognizant of being selfish. But next time it gets brought up, I plan to tell you – again – how painful holidays are for us. I’ll do it politely, but I plan to tell you.

I also explained to someone else last week that going to a holiday, or family, function would be akin to being tortured the entire time. That person understood what I was saying but so many do not. I really don’t know why you can’t hear or understand that I am in pain (those of you who can’t). I’m in pain, Shaun is in pain. Period. We will not be saying yes to doing holidays etc. Sorry but that’s how it is.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, the Solstice energy has certainly shined a light on these feelings for me. I do need to express them, and will do so as kindly as I can. I don’t want to lash out and hurt any of you any more than I would want you to hurt me. And I can’t run from them either. So here they are, for all of you to see, ugly as the light hits them. I know they are ugly. I’m sorry you have to see them but somehow I feel it is necessary.

And here I am going all existential, so I will just leave it as Happy Solstice to you now. Blessings, namaste, nutmaste, I Love you, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3

 

 

Jun 13

Musings for 6/13/2016

In my I Love You post today, I focused (as I do every day) on Love. Love is sort of is a binding agent in a way, and thus focuses on our similarities. But right now I want to talk about our differences. I could not do that in my FB post because really, I only have so many words before people quit reading, and couldn’t possibly adequately discuss it.

Why talk about our differences? Well I read a post this morning and it said something about sending out Love, but specifically said from “Believers and Christians.” Or something similar. Look, I am sure the person who posted that meant well, has their heart in the right place, etc. etc. and this isn’t a “that person is wrong” rant. Instead, reading it made me feel left out. And so I had to examine it – what’s really going on here inside of me? Why do I think this is misguided? Well here is why.

People often assume that only their religious affiliation, or their region of the country (i.e., Southern), their gender, etc. feels a certain way, has the capability to feel a certain way, is the only one that is right, etc. But you know, that’s not true and I would think that when they step back from the crowd/group mentality, most people also realize that it’s not true. Still, there is so much judgment and hate floating around the world that I think we really need to look at it and strive towards resolution. Also, keep in mind I have absolutely been guilty of these things! I grew up thinking the South was the only place worth being and still catch myself generalizing Alabama fans. I know all of you aren’t jerks, but some of you are, LOL!! Go ahead and crucify me. I am sure I have deserved it at one point and time.

We can go on thinking that only our religious affiliation is going to heaven, that only people of our skin color are nice and decent, and that everyone is out to get us. But the truth is, folks, that we have more in common than we may realize. I like to interact with people of all types, and I have been fortunate to meet and befriend people all over the world via the internet. We’re all pretty similar. We all want love, we all need to make a living, we all have families that we love and care for, blah blah etc. etc. Do you remember in the 80’s we all thought Russians were “the devil?” Well they aren’t. I’ve met some very nice ones and like them very much. And newsflash – both of our respective governments hyped up all of that stuff and little to none of it had to do with the actual people living there.

Anyway, back to my original point. I am not a Christian. If you didn’t know that, do you feel differently about me now? If you do I’m sorry but guess what? I’m the same loving, kind person that I was a few seconds ago. I do not believe in what you do, but I’m not trying to tell you not to. I have as much love to give as any Christian, or otherwise religious person who believes in a deity. OUR Love is equally good. I would like to give my Love to you and I hope that you will take it. I said earlier that Love binds – it binds our hearts in a beautiful symphony called the Christ Consciousness. And that was in fact Jesus’ message – LOVE. Over and over it was Love.

I love you even if you are black, Asian, Jewish, Muslim, christian, have a disability, and even if you have a very ugly character. Every one of you – us – need more love not less (thank you Matt Kahn!). Do you notice that in the past few years gays and lesbians have been a focus? What’s that about you say? It’s about Love. The legal right to marry, etc. who you love. I know a lot of straight people who have not found true love in this lifetime. If you find love, for heaven’s sake you should be free to embrace it! It is so rare in this world. This era is totally about Love folks, and Hate has stepped up to the plate to challenge it. Hate is saying, “So you’re serious about this Love thing? Ok, let’s see how serious you really are. I’m going to give you all that I’ve got, and if you still Love in the end, Love will triumph.”

And so, we can love the Haters too, because they are giving us the challenge of the ages. They are spurring us off the fence to choose. Do we stay separate in hate, or bind together in love? Your choice. I hope I see you in the Love celebration when this is all over, but if not, I’ll send a bouquet of Love over to your party. That’s the beauty of this – once you understand and experience Love, you are already bound to everyone and everything, All That Is. And there are no differences, no separation, no conflicts. Maybe some logistics, but we can manage that.

Peace, blessings, Love, Nutsmaste, Namaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3

Jun 11

Musings for 6/11/2016

It’s as if my fingers are on auto-pilot because I have no idea what to say today, yet here I am typing. I will try my best not to bore you.

I was talking with a few friends earlier today about what people call clearing, or emotional clearing. It was a topic this week on a group I participate in as well. It seems that people are shying away from it in the metaphysical community. I can certainly understand that. Having to open up an old wound really sucks. No one wants to do that because it hurts physically and emotionally. Apparently there is also some phenomena where people are constantly looking for stuff to clear. But I’m going to go out on a limb and say their root issue there is still low self-worth and they assume they are “still flawed,” Not good enough, or the like. Because really, otherwise if you had done so much inner work, wouldn’t you be feeling lots of good emotions? Yes, really you would.

Still, I insist that if you have stuff on the inside that you are just ignoring or hoping will go away, you have to process it out of your emotional and physical bodies or guess what? It’s still there. And it will affect your physical health, and your actions and reactions. You can love and light all over all of us but once you are triggered you will become Mr. or Mrs. Hyde. I promise you – I’ve seen it happen and at least once it has been me (*smile*). If you didn’t get that analogy, think bad reaction.

Now long ago I wrote an article about the stages of emotional clearing. I need processes and instructions and I still recommend my article for those that do. But honestly, I left the process part long ago because the crux is that you need to understand what’s going on. That’s it – understand it. Then be willing to acknowledge that no matter how stupid you feel, or whatever, yeah I feel that way. It hurts and causes me pain, or embarrassment, or guilt, or whatever. And then you “get” it and it flows away like a river. Transmuted into light.  Let yourself and whoever else is involved off the hook and move on. Yeah, you will run into some other onion layers eventually but you already understand what’s going on and so you handle it. You say, “Wow I had no idea that this was still an issue.” You roll it around in your mind and heart, and then you transmute it and move on. Please realize that I’m trying to put into English something that can happen in a few seconds or in a few days. But the work is done inside the mind and heart, together. It’s a process but not something that you can really quantify sometimes.

We all have/had issues right? The answer is yes. No one is born and lives without developing emotional baggage that you carry around until you realize that you don’t have to. But once you move through and put that baggage down, hose yourself off and what not, you  move on. I will say it again, if you are a habitual clearer, look at the root cause of that. Self worth? Need attention? Something. You are not perpetually flawed. I don’t believe in “original sin” and neither should you. You are a beautiful being in a human body who is flawed, yes, but who has the power to heal yourself and see through the muck. Yes, you do.

Even I feel joy. I can be in immense pain missing my baby and I can feel joy. You know, I can’t do anything about missing Erin, but again I don’t have the need to perpetually clear things. Did her body’s death dredge up more stuff for me to understand and reconcile? Yes, it sure did. And now I do understand, and now I am free from the karma and burden of carrying it around. And I am not looking for more to clear. If I get triggered I look at it. Honestly, it doesn’t happen often at all. I did the work, I’ve moved on.

It occurs to me now that perhaps one of the reasons we as a culture have such an issue with empathy is because we cannot even have empathy for ourselves. How could we when facing the pain we already carry is horrible enough that we can’t also face yours? That will change with Love. And Love is what I wish for you.

In Joy, Love, with Blessings, Namaste, Nutsmaste, and #missingerin #LovingErin <3

Jun 07

Musings for 6/7/2016

Ok, so I’ve been musing privately for several days again, LOL. Really, I lay in bed at times and write a short blog in my head. Or a reply to an email or text. So if you sent me something and I didn’t reply, chances are I did but not in writing ha ha. I really need to do better. Sometimes I actually come up with something good!

I have been pondering a book or e-book for a while. I started writing all of you about it once and then scrapped it. It was to be called I Am Maya. That’s a long story, and was what I was writing about last time. Last night I had the strong feeling I need to keep that idea, and also a new one called A Metaphysical Journey Through Grief. That one would detail the journey through grief and what it looks and feels like, as well as what I did to help myself. Oh, don’t get confused – I’m still grieving. I’m just at a point that I want to actively help someone else.

The story of Maya is my story, and the story of me today, which is a product of (in linear terms) eons of embodiment. Maya is/was, let’s just say more than HUman. Yet she was charged with caring for the HUman population in an area. At a pivotal point in her journey, she realized that she had no empathy for them because she had no context, no point of reference, and she realized how wrong it was that she meted out justice etc. blah blah and had no empathy or context. And so she entered the karmic cycle and set out to EXPERIENCE. You can experience via empathy, but not if you have no context. See the point? 🙂

I’d say that I have experienced what I set out to do long ago. But, now the challenge is finding my way back home. To do that I have to move through grief but, while these processes are somewhat separate, they operate in parallel. So one does not happen without the other.

We will see if I ever get the proper motivation, and words, to put these stories down on paper. And if I do, maybe they won’t suck. Well, who cares. Some stories just need to be told. I learned that recently while telling my mother’s story at the local Elk’s Lodge. Long, long story 🙂

In other news our house has a for sale sign and today the realtor has her photographer coming to take pictures. My house is cleaner than it has been since I moved in. It’s always a shame that we manage to whip things into shape just before we move. I have no “proof” but my gut tells me our house will sell quickly, and then the challenge will be finding somewhere to live for the time it takes them to build a new one. At the very least, the energy in my house has been cleansed to a great degree. I said house – it ceased being a home when Erin’s body died.

It has been very painful moving her things, packing some up, giving some away. We may have the opportunity to give 6 bags of stuffed animals to the local Kids to Love. While she would kill me normally, I like to think that Erin’s expanded perspective will now allow her to be proud that we are doing that.

On that note, while cleaning yesterday I found a pink (had been colored in) broomstick on top of our stair railing. I asked our friend who cleans our house once a week if she put it there, and she said no but she found it last week and left it because she thought I did. Now neither Shaun nor I did, and that only leaves one person which is Erin. I wonder if she sent that as a joke to me, knowing how much I hate cleaning floors and baseboards? That had to be it, and I’ve never seen that broom stick thing before in my life. I have no idea what it is, what it went with, why she had it. I even asked her friend AK and she had no idea. So it must have been meant for me. I love when she sends me messages and signs. I know she is near, but grief often makes you lose faith and wears you down. It’s a regular and vicious cycle.

That’s all for today. I have a busy day of work and a business lunch, followed by pictures at the end of the day. Namaste, Nutsmaste, Blessings, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3

 

May 31

Musings for 5/31/2016

I have not written in a few days, again, but this time it’s because I’ve been busy in my “free” time. We jointly decided that it’s time to move. He hates being at home, I have to leave, but even when I’m here I am in a prison. In this prison – prison of memories – some rooms I cannot enter. I don’t even look at them when I pass, I look away, or do that thing where you focus but don’t really “see” anything. Either way my sanctuary is not a sanctuary. It’s a prison of pain. And so it’s finally time to go.

Packing up Erin’s things will be difficult to say the least. In case you haven’t followed, her room is exactly how it was left for the most part. I cleaned it up last year but other than the fact that I had to put her things away when we came home the last time, it’s just like it was. Her playroom is very close to how it was. I was told I have to clean it up before we can show our house. I understand. I also understand that I don’t need to keep all of her Barbie stuff, but it was so beloved. And anything given away, it needs to go to someone who will truly love it. Love it. But no one will love it like she did.

We are not leaving McMullen Cove. We really love it here, but we are leaving Coventry. It is painful to drive home through our neighborhood. We are going to build a home in Silo Hill, across in the gated side. Erin liked that old silo and she and her daddy used to ride bikes up the trail beside it. We have tentatively picked lot 29 for those of you who are into numerology. I think it bodes better than this lot, 69. Erin hated this house and I could never see far into the future me living here. I always wondered why, and now I know. This was supposed to be our last house, our home. We built it to accommodate everyone, including my mother. Had visions of possibly housing Shaun’s brother Greg one day due to his health issues. All 3 died in 2014. I don’t know what that means specifically but it is relevant and related.

And it’s really too bad. This is a beautiful house and we have the best neighbors, as a group, than we have ever had anywhere. Yes, in Arbor Woods we had two neighbors who were fantastic and are still friends, but there were others not so great. This entire street is filled with kind, caring, and wonderful people though. They stood with us during Erin’s illness and her body’s death. At least we won’t be far from them and in the same community overall. It is still sad to “leave” them though.

For those of you who say “It’s good to move on,” well hold on a second… We aren’t moving on. We are moving – maybe moving through but just moving. And yes, it’s a good thing, because otherwise we would just be stuck. Energy needs to move for us to grow and not be stagnant. Ever get the urge to deep clean your home? Redecorate? That’s energy movement. Updating to the new. In our case we have to go to a new spot of land. This one was meant for someone else all along, we just didn’t know it.

If you are wondering, Erin will have a room in our new home. It probably won’t get painted “Erin” purple, or have all of her stuff hanging on the walls, but it will be hers and have all of her things in it. Like my friend SC said on FaceBook this morning, I may not have a child but I am still a mother. And my child needs a room. I can’t take credit for this one though. It was Shaun’s idea. I guess part of me needed permission and so maybe he was divinely inspired to help me make this change.

So today we reserve our lot, continue trying to decide on a house plan, and this week the house will go on the market. I don’t know where we will go but I hope it sells quickly so that I don’t lose my nerve. Even though I know this is the right decision, it’s a difficult one and will be easy for me to second guess. By the way, I’ve already done that, but thanks to another dear, sweet friend SE, I got a sweet message from Erin who said she wants us to be settled. I couldn’t have put it better myself, because that is what we have been aiming for all along. At least we will finally plant our pretty butterfly bushes that I got for Mother’s Day last year <3

That’s all for today. Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3

May 09

Musings for 5/9/2016

I almost wrote 2013. Odd date to write eh? Not really if you follow spiritual circles that believe that we went into some sort of limbo at the end of 2012. I wonder if symbolically, that means we have finally started the clock again? Well that isn’t what I wanted to write about, but it is something to ponder.

I guess to sum up what I want to write about today, maybe it’s divergent paths. If you know me well you know that I don’t like endings, finality, good byes either. There is nothing I have ever truly left behind in the sense that if it serves my needs or my joy later that I won’t pick it back up again. You can never rule anything out in other words. How would I know what I am going to need or want 3 years from now? I can’t. I can assume but never truly know. Well I am going around the world aren’t I. Apologies for that. It seemed relevant when I started typing it.

I have obviously had to deal with endings. Friendships end, people pass on (bodies die), people move away, etc. Over the weekend though, I had a dream where someone I care about was going off on a different path in such a way that I can not follow. That really bothers me. It’s a Soul decision, not a Human Personality decision (ego), and even in the dream I knew I should not interfere. I had the ability to, but I did not because I knew.

You keep hearing me say that I choose Love, and that is the side of the fence that I am on. The other side is Fear. It doesn’t matter what the symptom of the condition is, the condition is fear. I choose the Love condition. The wheat is separating from the chaff now and it’s more apparent than ever in our polarized world. Assuming we are here to learn something, or experience something, we have the free will to choose and thus take one of two paths.

Maybe there are multiple paths. I have asked my guidance more than a hundred times how I am supposed to raise my vibration (to Love and Joy) when I am so damn sad. Sadness is on the fear spectrum. It indicates that I don’t truly believe I will see Erin again…yes still working on that full fledged belief thing but hey, this is a challenge guys. I have gotten advice from people and I’ve been told to raise my fricking vibration from others and I have bitched and moaned and I’ve also pulled up my big girl panties and tried. I have no idea if anyone will take pity on me if I am “in the chaff” due to my “situation” but I suspect not. I have to take responsibility for my own Self and that means decoding this puzzle. It means finding Joy and rising to the occasion. And folks, it sucks.

But that doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying. For others on the negative spectrum, including the person I dreamed about, decide what you want/desire now and then make the firm decision to get there. I can give you all of the advice in the world but I can’t make you get on the road and walk it. The good news is that I heard vividly as I woke up from my dream the words to Stairway to Heaven…”Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there’s still time to change the road you’re on.” Still time…and I bet your guides, guardian angels, whatever/whoever…I bet they are sending you some encouragement if you will just be open to receive it. No one wants anyone left behind, not me and not them. But we will honor your decision to stay with the chaff if necessary.

Today is that Mercury transit, so consider me your messenger, inspired by Mercury. Just choose Love.

Blessings, Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin