May 06

Musings for 5/6/2016

LisaNecklaceI had something else in mind earlier, but I was just reminded of the personal significance that today holds for me. Not a great day, but a day indeed. Today, two years ago, Erin was in the hospital about to have another surgery. She and Shaun were out walking around the floor when he got a call from HPD that they had found his brother Greg deceased on the back porch of his home. Just a few weeks earlier I had helped him with his new computer, the one I’m using right now. On April 7 he left birdseed on the front porch for me while I was asleep and I missed seeing him. He was astounded that I wanted birdseed in “payment” for picking out and then setting up his new computer. I love feeding the birds. I really didn’t want anything, but I knew he would give me something, so I picked birdseed. On April 30 I thanked him via text again, but never heard back. I think he either died that day, or maybe on May 1. We will never know, but today is the day we found out.

I had to tell Erin where and why Daddy left, but didn’t want to upset her too badly. So I got us ice cream cones and we walked to a secluded spot and I told her. She cried, but just for a second. She always kept her emotions in until she couldn’t anymore. She didn’t want to talk about it again so we didn’t. But he was missed, and still is.

May 6th is also my mother and her 3rd husband’s anniversary. Not a happy day there either, since he had her sign a prenup the day before that left her destitute and homeless upon his death despite 13+ years taking care of his ass. Blah Blah, etc. etc. Life hasn’t been good to me or most of my family but I am confident that we have gotten the most bang for our buck as Souls during this one. I read the other day that there are places in creation where souls learn through positive experiences, not negative ones like we do here. What the heck does that look like? If I ever knew as a soul, I no longer remember. I remember 100% of the pain and suffering though.

I think that Greg knew how I felt about him, but I’m really not sure I ever told him that I loved and cared about him. I wasn’t that person then, you know, to just come out and say I love you like I do now. Some people think actions are worth more than words…not so fast there…people don’t always *know* anything and so now I tell people all the time even if it’s a bit uncomfortable. I might tell you several times a day if you are around me, and that’s because I want you to know. I need to be confident that I told you in other words, because I left a lot of shit unsaid before this stage of my life. And I regret the living hell out of that. It sucks for me, even though I know that Greg’s soul, Erin’s and (insert here) know that I love them. They are fine, and they know now, but it was ME that made the mistake of not telling them.

Which brings me to this…I am very slow about posting on Missing Erin because, well, it’s damn painful for me to even open up the admin console. So I always post the most wonderful things, but way past due and late, late, late. I will get to putting THIS there, but the picture at the top of the page is a very special gift from a very special friend. My friend, Lisa L., was first a FarmVille friend but after Erin passed, she reached out to me and showed me such love and kindness that I am really at a loss for words to express it or how much it means to me. And she didn’t just do it once, she has been there for nearly 2 years now. A few months ago she sent me that beautiful necklace and Shaun a keychain (so he wouldn’t feel left out – so sweet!). I love the necklace and I even put it in the safe when we go out of town! No I don’t take it with me – too special to lose! Lisa recently found out she has cancer. Please send her your prayers, thoughts, warm hugs, good vibes, whatever is your preference and specialty. I hope she doesn’t mind me mentioning it here, but it has been bothering me of course. I may understand a lot of things on a higher level, but I am so sad and tired of the special people in my life becoming ill. Lisa, I love you and you are a light in my life! I want to make sure you know that, and that I am here for you. You matter to me and you are special, a light in the darkness. Thank you so much for, well, everything and for being you.

I also want to thank you Roel for everything you teach me. I especially appreciated you pointing out yesterday that I had not integrated my own thought/belief about something, as I clearly demonstrated in a subsequent post. It meant a lot, but I wasn’t able to exude the gratitude by clicking the Like button! I do not know where you and Dede and I are going on our journey, but our current divergent paths will link up again soon and we will learn tons and tons and have fun doing it!

And Shaun, thank you for being my partner in this life. I found myself singing Annie’s Song in the car yesterday, and realized I was singing it to you. Our love is unique and our bond is strong. I’m so sorry that we have had to share so much pain, but at least we have each other.

So many of you are special to me and days like today make me stop to think about it. There are too many to mention, and as you know I write train of thought and what seems to be important in the here and now. So on that note, most importantly, Love. It’s a noun and a verb – Love. I wish I could touch each of you and show you what I have learned about it, so that you could feel it and not have to experience anything but Love for yourself. Having a hard day? Love. Upset at someone? Love. Mad at the government? Love. Hate your life? Love. It is the answer. Sounds silly, sounds stupid at times, but it’s truth.

I love you! Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin

Apr 27

Musings for 4/27/2016

First, I want to tell you that today I choose Love. I hope you do too, as it is the wave of your future. I chose those words carefully and I want you to really think about it. Not the wave of THE future, the wave of YOUR future. When the wheat and the chaff are separated, it will be on a basis of Love and Fear. Think about that, ponder it, and feel it in whatever context you believe that separation occurs. It is important and upcoming.

I am reading Sandra Walter’s latest this morning and encourage you to do the same if you have some time. It is amazing how something I am experiencing, or epiphanies that I have, are then reflected back to me in things that I find. They are validations from on high and tell me I am headed in the right direction. Whether you speak to a god, angels, guides, your higher self or whomever, if you are like me you need to pay attention to these divine messages as you walk through the dark night of the soul. I think this entire Earth experience is the dark night of the soul. It’s Hell or Hellish to say the least, yet we persevere. I still appreciate the lantern in the darkness to guide me, and hope to remain awake enough to see and follow it.

When I began writing this morning, I really wanted to eat some eggs instead. But my lantern was saying “write, write!” in regards to my next level of experience here, and so I began this blog which I am now finishing in the afternoon. Yesterday I wrote about healing my soul, and healing other souls. Healing of that type and level cannot occur without self-reflection and forward movement, right? It goes without saying really, and so as such there is a lot going on within me. I have been, for days now, contemplating the difference between beliefs, ideas, opinions, etc. and judgment.

First, what’s the difference? If you try to gain a mental understanding, really there is none. We live in a duality reality and as such you either are or aren’t, it’s black or white, blah blah etc. etc. But you and I know that life isn’t really that way right? There’s a shit ton of gray out there. The line between black and white is very thin and so is the line between your position on anything and judgment. I will share what I have experienced and hope it isn’t too confusing.

Before I get started, I have to tell you I have no idea why my guides keep referring me back to Jesus. I am not a Christian although I don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. I don’t even know if I truly believe that a real person named Jesus existed, and on that note I won’t get into what the Roman Catholic Church did with early Christian doctrine to shape it like it is today. Either way, historically real or unreal, the person we know as Jesus embodied the Christ Consciousness on this planet. His SOL purpose was to bring that in, and to tell the people to follow the New Testament, which was one of Love. He did warn people of things, yes, but at the core it was the consequences of choosing anything else above Love. It’s apparent in all of his writings, and my guides have referred me to quotes from the Bible over and over lately.

With that said, here are some verses about judging others. I think all but maybe one or two of them are from the New Testament, which again, is relating stories of Jesus and his teachings of Love and compassion and what I call “right action.” They are worth reading even if you are not religious.

And with THAT said, I had an epiphany just this morning that the difference between beliefs, opinions, etc. and judgment is that when you make another person wrong (and thus you sit on a righteous high horse), you are sitting in judgment. Not when you don’t understand them, not when you know it’s not for you but is fine for them, but when you make them wrong. And ah, as I write this, my inner knowing is asking “What about when someone is harming another? What about when they are being unkind? What about when they are in fear and not in Love?” UGH. I didn’t say I was an expert, just that I had an epiphany this morning.

That sort of deflates my sails here, LOL! I guess I’ll just keep feeling my way through this one. Still, it’s not a bad thing to ask you to be more Christ-Like now is it? Not Christian but Christ Like. Choose Love over fear, over hate, over all those negative emotions that are floating around out there. That’s what Christ Consciousness means to me. Edgar Cayce described “Jesus as a pattern of wholeness.” Now isn’t that an interesting concept! This is a good read from the Edgar Cayce website. I hope you read that too.

And with that, I’m back to a state of confusion. But that’s good. It means my thoughts are all mixed up and working to find stability in the chaos, and so I will learn something. Hope you do too. Enjoy!

Blessings, Namaste, Nutsmaste, and #missingerin and #LovingErin

Apr 26

Musings for 4/26/2016

Mom_Nicole_10162014I have not written in a bit, once again, because I have been down in the dumps. I have stopped using the word depression except for when I don’t care to explain it, because this isn’t depression. I do not have an English word for what it is, but I am not depressed over life. So I don’t think it fits. It is definitely a sadness, but so much deeper than even a deep sadness. It is indescribable.

I listened to a video yesterday with an Indian man who stated that depression isn’t in the mind, it’s in the soul. That resonated with me. His answer to healing the soul was to make offerings to our ancestors, because we inherit their genes and (my words) pieces of their souls. I don’t disagree with that, but I also felt that was his heartfelt attempt to help. And it probably does help some, but it is not complete. He is the only person though that I have seen really look at depression in what I consider a balanced and intelligent way. So what I said about the word depression…it’s a flavor of what I feel, but not the whole dish. Hey, for those of you who remember “Mrs. Lawson Words” you will know that words have subtle meanings and so I try to find the right ones. 🙂

Now it comes to mind that fairly recently, in a conversation with like minded friends, I responded to a question with the fact that I am a healer of souls. It surprised me, but it felt like it fit. It feels like it fits. I am not quite sure what all that entails but that is my desire – to heal your soul. I should not be surprised that first I have to figure out how to heal my own then should I.

In the grand scheme of things, how could this have been planned any better? What worse would I ever have to come back from, to heal from, than losing my child? You know the answer already. So here I am, healing my soul or at least trying to. I was just given the answer very definitively while typing so here it is.

Love. Pure Love. You all have heard me speak of the Christ Consciousness and how it relates to us and the planet. I am not arguing with your beliefs. By all means, as god(s), angels, ascended masters, you name it – ask them for help. Lord knows we all need help. We cannot do this alone. Whatever your beliefs, ask them for help. But stop trying to be anything else and be CHRIST LIKE. What does that mean? Well look at Jesus’ example. He was the embodiment of Christ energy and tried to teach us all. I really do not recall ever hearing about Jesus ever having negative self-talk or anything of that sort either do you? So then the first step to being Christ Like, is to Love our Selves. Love your Self. Not the ego sort of love, real Love. I admit that this has come to me backwards as I have finally experienced true Love for others but not for me. I cannot heal my Soul, however, until I Love me.

I understand how many things work very well and I am often shown, too. I can see that if I have success, it will not only ripple out into the multi-verse (I was given that word!), I will also be able to show you how to do it for yourself.

I always get revelations when I write. It’s amazing how just putting something down on paper in a train of thought clarifies things. But anyway, I also want to share something else this man shared in this YouTube video. He said about why spiritual people are often depressed, is that they don’t have a:

Proper relationship with the world of Maya, the world of illusion. Illusion is what gives you joy.

What is illusion? It’s this world and all of the things in it. It’s our lives. Our social circles, our daily activities, our stuff, our family even. It’s the construct that we understand as reality. If you’ve ever had your reality stripped down to any point where you can see the truth behind the facade, then you know that you truly do lose your joy.

Perhaps the way back to that experience of joy is through Love. I do not understand it mentally right now but I feel it. I certainly cannot explain it to you in any better terms than I have in this rambling piece of garbage that I call my blog. You’d think I would edit that out but nope, when I hear words in my mind it is coming from within and so I write them. I think THOSE words, though, came from my judgmental ego. I needed to hear them, and needed to tell you that those aren’t heart-centered words. They aren’t words of Love. Or kindness. See how hard we are on ourselves? I didn’t even notice it until I was then nudged to examine it here. Right now. Thank you all for being a part of my journey for without you, these revelations would not happen.

I want to make sure that I mention that I inserted the picture after I began writing. I normally do so in the beginning as the picture embodies what I want to say. I had no idea this time. That is my mother and me, after she entered the nursing home sometime in 2014. She had dementia and was not herself anymore. Even so, I didn’t really like her self. I loved her but did not like her and she was a terrible mother. I’m being honest because that relationship shaped my journey in this body and lifetime, and I think as I heal my own soul I will help heal hers. She died 12/29/2014, but still finds me during dreamtime and she is still out of her mind somewhere in the astral plane. I very much want to delete this paragraph but my guides tell me to leave it in. So be it.

May your soul receive healing today, and every day. I know that many of you are in pain like I am even if for different reasons. I do not believe this is supposed to be our true nature, and I want to continue to spread Love in an effort to end all suffering. I hope you do too.

Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3

 

Apr 13

Musings for 4/13/2016

I began writing yesterday but it was more moaning and groaning, so I scrapped it and moved on. On the one hand, what’s the use of writing a blog if you don’t write. But I at least try to help others through my experiences and feelings, as well as express, and I just didn’t feel it was a worthwhile sharing. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t.

That said, today I definitely have some worthwhile things to share. Ha – I love how I know I definitely have something worthwhile. My dears, that is the beauty of just letting it flow out because my subconscious and higher self know much better than I do. And I want to get back to my higher self with you all just give me a moment. She is what I could call my original self who I met this past year doing a past life regression type meditation (one of many) and who calls herself Maya.

I have had a bad week. I had a really bad day again yesterday and well, there have been many tears. I am so tired and weary, and despite every indication that I have ever gotten from my guidance, from the universe, from anyone, nothing ever manifests and I just feel like I am being lied to. Let’s rewrite that…believing in illusion or fantasy. The biggest test of my life started the day Erin laid her body down. I heard someone else use that term, and I like it. It’s correct. So anyway…let’s just call how I felt despondent. I mean really, how much longer can I do this? Not only have I lost much, not only am I miserable every moment of every day, but in return you ask me to raise my vibration to one of joy. You ask me to believe in the ascension, that it is impending. You ask me to continue living, to live a life of service. You ask me to believe, most of all, that Erin and I will see each other again…soon you say (and so does she). PHYSICALLY. You asked me to believe, and I have to the best of my ability. Maybe a little more each day. Maybe some days, I don’t believe as much, and I feel as if I am deluding myself.

And to top that off, I would normally say…”If I can do it, anyone can.” But this, nope, I’m not sure just anyone can. And I know that’s why I was chosen. I have never batted an eye in trusting my guidance, and many things that I told Erin were possible even if we couldn’t see them, or hadn’t seen it happen in this world, well, now I am trying very hard to walk my talk. I never not-believed when she was here. Now…I have found myself with the rest of the world which is apparently without hope. Not all of the time but some of the time at least. Hopeless, resigned to living mundane lives and to endure suffering until we shed our bodies and move on.

So yeah I have a fundamental struggle every day. I guess you could call it a crisis of faith in a way. Really not sure how I am supposed to pull myself up out of this one but I seem to keep trying. And oh yeah, more of my own advice came up yesterday. There I was peddling on our exercise bike when I got a flash in my mind. I get what I call flashes. They come with picture (sometimes like videos) and feelings and words and such, like a download from the internet. They are quick so I call them flashes. And my flash showed me a dream experience I had a month or so ago where I went to get Erin. I was told she was in a coma, and I went to wake her up. It’s a long story, and no it wasn’t symbolic. I was being shown how it was going to feel to reunite with her, and what it may potentially “look like.” That came in a flash yesterday bundled with my mantra that if I know the outcome, I can endure anything to get from A to B. Yeah, I say that a lot. I guess I have to eat my words now and endure or else never say that again. I guess I’m in this one for the long-haul.

I drew the Moon today (tarot) for my daily card. That is somewhat good news I suppose, since the Moon is about the unconscious and such. Mine was reversed, indicating that I am coming out of a time of self-deception and illusion. I suppose if I really do believe, and then give in to my fears, it’s entirely self-deception so there, take that fear and sadness. And go away while you are at it.

Oh, that brings me back to Maya. It is not lost on me that Maya means Illusion. The time and place where I met myself as Maya was the time where she entered this illusion. We entered this illusion. If parts of Self and timelines and such confuse you, join the club. I don’t have a system, I just do the best I can to understand it. The bottom line without boring you with the entire story is that she realized that she and her people had no clue what humans experience, what their suffering is, and so she decided to go experience. She suddenly saw their suffering, but did not understand it. She knew it was significant, but could not feel it. It wasn’t that the empathy wasn’t there, no, it was more that there was no context. I would say that now we have context for many types of suffering thank you very much. We have context for the Human experience on planet Earth. What we have lost is the context for a reality of pure joy, or rather in joy ment. Ah, and there is my pattern for this lifetime…swinging from one extreme to another and desperately trying to figure out where the balance is and how to “do that.”

So maybe your story is similar to my story. Maybe it is not. We aren’t all “from here” so to speak and even so everyone is unique. I am pleased to be walking this journey along with each of you, but I wonder what made us get on this road? Beats me why we thought it was a good idea, LOL, but hopefully we have one hell of a graduation party. There isn’t one person I know who doesn’t deserve it. And there it is…hope…peeking its little head out from around the corner over here.

I love you all. Namaste, Nutsmaste, Blessings, #missingerin and #lovingerin <3

Apr 11

Musings for 4/11/2016

Dough_tortoras_05172013Can I just say UGH? Some weeks are better than others, and this one stinks already. I am in a steady state of missing my Erin and it’s like a searing pain all the time. I try to make the best use of what I have to give in service to others, but there is no joy in anything. Those of you who have lost children, you know what I mean. The others of you, you try to but there is no way to know this type of pain. It colors everything for the remainder of your time in your body here on Earth.

So that is where I am right now, this week. I have little much to say but was compelled to write, so I hope that I am able to make good use of this blog today.

I was just contemplating all that I have lost, and how empty I feel, and decided to draw my tarot card for today. I drew a 10 of Cups, reversed. Very fitting >> Broken Home. If upright it’s a completion, a celebration, happy people and happy family. None of that here.

I ask the question, will this ever end? Why am I still here? When can I leave? But I know the answer…and I will not get a reprieve. I have to fly at the end of the month, and secretly hope for a plane crash to put me out of my misery. But that plane won’t crash, and even if it did, I would just wake up horribly disfigured to finish out this lifetime. I know these things. They are sad and even doomy and gloomy, but true. There is no way out for me until I, and dare I say this, find joy again. That’s just the sort of impossible task order I would give myself in the space between incarnations. “I can do this! I know I can! Piece of cake! It’s not that long of a time anyway, and then I can come back here and be happy.” Wow, did I even understand the enormity of the sorrows I had scheduled for this life? Because it’s been a long string of them, over and over, and aside from the deaths it’s been a life of chaos and utter shit. I was provided for and relatively safe, but you know what? I would trade that for a lifetime of love at any minute. There is some poor loved bastard, living in his or her car, wishing for what I have. They don’t know what they have though, or they would be happy with it. I didn’t know what I had either, sort of but not really. Now I do, it’s painfully evident.

I cringe now when I hear unkindness from others. Judging others and placing blame has become so commonplace, I don’t even think they hear themselves. And I know they don’t feel the impact of their words and actions. I feel it though, and it doesn’t have to be directed at me to feel it. It hits me like a bowling ball and the wound never seems to heal. I used to be one of those blame placers by the way. It also hurts me to feel the continued reverberation of my past words and deeds. UGH indeed.

And the religious folk, and the new age folk, and all of the other folk who use the words of their “faith” or of their teacher, to put others down and make them less than and bad. I know you don’t really realize in most cases what you are doing, but it is hurtful and unkind. And most likely the person you worship, or your guru, or whomever, would not want you to act that way. So can we just stop it? Maybe just start caring about everyone just for the sake of caring? And how about sharing? Can you share with your fellow human without the expectation of anything in return? Can you? I hope so. But I am not hopeful about it. Is that irony or something else?

I guess I did have a message today. I am crying Uncle, or for mercy, or whatever. And I fear it will not come until the whole lot of us get with the Love program and stop the violence, unkindness, lack of compassion, etc. etc. blah blah in the world. Because guys, who propagates it? We do. Humans do. Each of us has a chance, today, to be that unkind, unloving person or to be that Kind, Loving person. It starts and stops with us. I don’t care what the guy next to you did, or what the lady who took your parking space did. It starts with you. YOU. Yes, you.

So now I’m going to cry in my own cornflakes. I have to dress for a business meeting later today and that is going to take all of my energy. But that is another story. Namaste, Nutsmaste, Love, #missingerin and #lovingerin

Apr 06

Musings for 4/6/2016

I have wanted to write for days, but I’ve been doing the I Love You’s on FaceBook and then find I have little more to say. I know many who at this time have not been able to say much of substance, or interact, due to the intense energies from the month of March that are still in play now. It may be TMI, but I have found myself rather stopped up, both physically and metaphorically. Thankfully I have been able to do the I Love You’s on most days because that is more important now than ever. Many people are hanging on by a thread, but still have even a faint spark of light within them. Knowing they are Love(d) activates that spark and may be the difference between a dark path versus a lighted one. Although I dislike the religious connotations of this word, the word salvation comes to mind.

On that note, do you understand that salvation is a choice and not something to come to by bullying, ostracizing, or by fearing? That’s right, and so is redemption. All of these things that were given as teachings long ago have been misunderstood or perverted over the centuries. The answer to all of these things is simply Love. It is something that really cannot be taught or even described with words, yet, that’s all we have in this vibrational plane, and so we use words to describe concepts that are way beyond our mundane comprehension. And then our buddy tries to tell his buddy, and then the concepts get skewed. The Beatles had it right about All You Need Is Love. That really is all you need. Everything else falls into place when you are able to feel, then give and receive unconditional love.

Jesus has given us this example, as well, and I take the time to mention it because there is so much unkindness and not-love in his name. He was the embodiment of the Christ on this earth, the last one in the past 2000 years, and did his best to teach us in terms we could understand while he was here. In John 13:15 (King James version) he states “For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you.” In other verses he admonishes us to be like a child. How do you think children are? Until they are taught differently, they are loving and kind. So I admonish all of you in different terms here. If you are spiritual and “new age” (sorry, hate that term but English and all), then start walking your talk. If you consider yourself a Christian, stop judging and be more Christ-Like. I do not know what Muslim say in kind, nor Buddhists, nor others and I’m not taking the time to look it up, but I guarantee you that every philosophy and religion out there says something similar. Self-righteousness is nothing but an inflamed ego, and your neighbors may not know what is in your heart, but your god, or the universe, they know. You cannot hide from that!

Well I didn’t begin writing today to admonish folks but there it is. I hold myself to the same standards, and I try to have presence of mind to apologize and make amends when I don’t meet them. If you bring something to my attention that “I did,” then I examine it to see where I can do better. It’s called being a decent person, and yeah it’s not always fun but it is rewarding.

So anyhow, I heard a term last week that I had not heard in ages – System Buster. That’s an old new age term for someone who incarnated here to, well, bust up the system. Someone who doesn’t go along with the status quo. Stirs the pot. So and and so forth. I used to do my system busting in a big way by stirring pots of shit and watching them explode. I’m still good at that and that method is sometimes appropriate but I realized that my latest system busting activities have been effected through Love. I feel good about that and am glad to be of service. I honestly don’t go around thinking of system busting but when I’m activated I normally don’t stop until I’ve pushed said button or whatever. And then when I’m done, I know I’m done and I may literally bow out of a conversation with nothing else said.

I really have no idea why I am telling you that readers, but it has been on my mind for days so there it is.

And on that note, I feel obligated to say that ideas that I have been used to for decades are now out into the mainstream, and so are experiences that some may consider mystical. So if you get distraught, or confused, or are just curious, ask me and I’ll do my best to help you understand what you are experiencing or going through. It’s time for us light workers to really put ourselves out there and not just with lip service. I’m here to help. That’s why I’m in a physical body right now on this planet, so don’t feel bad about asking. What may be outlandish to you may be old hat to me and you may feel relieved that you aren’t nuts. LOL! Well, maybe you are nuts, but not about “insert here” subject.

No idea why I told you that either, but there it is. This has already been one weird week and today is no exception. So with that I will leave you, for now. Namaste, Nutsmaste, blessings, #missingerin and #lovingerin <3

Mar 15

Musings for 3/15/2016

the-journeyI do not remember where I got this from, but it’s called The Journey from what I can tell. Isn’t it beautiful? I do remember that I was contemplating my own journey when I looked for something representative on the internet. Thank you to the creator of this graphic, it is most beautiful.

I had something else completely in mind today when I made my FB I Love You post, but a conversation of sorts with an old friend caused me to reflect on my journey and on yours. I realize that we gain wisdom and knowledge through age and experience, but it’s such a shame that we must wait so long to realize the value in so many things.

From a young age, I did not want to one day become old and have regret. At the time, my fear of regret was about life experiences such as travel, seeing the wonders of the world, doing other things that I felt passionately about doing, stuff like that. I never wanted a family, never even wanted to marry until I dated Shaun, and so the fear of regret was about experiencing the world fully. Chalk that up to the shortsightedness of a young person.

When we did become a family, I still didn’t get it. I thought we had the rest of our lives together, although in my mind’s eye I had no idea what that looked like. Without drawing out this prelude to the real message, I let fear and every day life get in the way of my real journey. Fear of not getting this done, or that done, or I need to do this, and if Erin doesn’t do that then X, Y, Z. Fear of not getting my Me time. In case you haven’t gotten it by now, when we begin to stress over things, the root cause if fear of…fill in the blank. Someone will be mad, you will be less than, it won’t get done, blah blah blah. Most of the things I stressed over, just don’t matter. I was caught in a viscous circle and never got out. I allowed myself to be caught in it, though, if the truth be known. I got caught up in what I thought I was supposed to do, blah blah. Yeah, I say blah blah a lot. It sort of sums up how unimportant much of this shit is.

We are a culture of fearful people on this planet. Not just the American culture – most of them. We fear lives of joy and abundance because we are very caught up in getting things, and keeping them, and getting people and keeping them. We value fame and fortune instead of love and kindness. We allow others to be treated horrendously as long as we aren’t on the receiving end. We always want more, more, more of the wrong things. What sort of journey is that? It really doesn’t sound very great to me.

Brings to mind an old Jackson Browne song I heard the other day. I was driving down the road and heard the first few verses and it hit me like a brick. Here are the lyrics – all of them – because it tells a story. The bold is my emphasis on what I feel is the most important part…

Boulevard

Down on the boulevard they take it hard
They look at life with such disregard
They say it can’t be won
The way the game is run
But if you choose to stay
You end up playing anyway
It’s okay…

The kid’s in shock up and down the block
The folks are home playing beat the clock
Down at the golden cup
They set the young ones up
Under the neon light
Selling day for night
It’s alright…

Nobody rides for free
Nobody gets it like they want it to be
Nobody hands you any guarantee
Nobody

The hearts are hard and the times are tough
Down on the boulevard the night’s enough
And time passes slow
Between the store front shadows and the street lights glow

Everybody walks right by like they’re safe or something
They don’t know…

Nobody knows you
Nobody owes you nothin
Nobody shows you what they’re thinking
Nobody baby

Hey, hey, baby
You got to watch the street, keep your feet
And be on guard
Make it pay baby
It’s only time on the boulevard

Isn’t that our lives? We try to beat life every day instead of enjoying it. I know I did, and now I am left with a lot of wisdom and a shit ton of regret. I share every day for mainly two reasons. The first reason is that I need to express myself. But the second is that I hope to help someone through my experiences. I really don’t like what I see in the world, and I really do not want you to end up like me. Brings to mind another Jackson Browne song, Doctor My Eyes. You can click the link for those lyrics.
I know that my sharing is over, because I felt the flow shift immediately when I began the last paragraph. But one more thing. Just think of how it would be if everyone suddenly shifted from fear-based to loving, kind, and supportive of all life on the planet. You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I promise, I’m not. <3
Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #lovingerin <3 <3 <3

Mar 08

Musings for 3/8/2016

letting_go_by_bandico-d5s1eyhStill letting go! LOL So much so that I decided to look up whether or not letting go has anything to do with this upcoming (tomorrow) eclipse and yes, it sure does! I found several articles on Google referencing March 2016 astrology, the eclipse, and letting go. Apparently it has something to do with pressing us to continually look at old patterns of behavior (and old energies in our lives) and let go, let go, let go as one site said. Very interesting!

This site even has the headline Massive Growth Through Embracing Change. Wow. And darn, because now I feel the need to read those articles and more to better understand.

Really though, I am getting it quite well. I listened to my Self and kicking and screaming, I got rid of those shoes. I cried over them all day yesterday, put them in a box, and took them today to be mailed to Nike for Reuse-a-Shoe where they grind them down to use in playgrounds. In fact, I drove the 5 miles to the Mail Pro store, realized I had forgotten my wallet, came back for it and still went to mail them. I almost didn’t, but I knew it was important. I felt sadness looking at them for the last time, their little shoe laces still tied, but alas I gave them to the Mail Pro lady and left. Goodbye shoes, goodbye old familiar friend who no longer resonates with my energy field anymore. I love you.

I know, I’m a kook but that is how I feel. Sometimes it sucks being so honest about it but at least I can face what’s going on with me, and thus eventually let it go. Seems important.

In layman’s terms, the point is that if you do not let go of what no longer serves you, you won’t have room for anything new in your life (metaphorically speaking). If you can’t embrace change, you won’t move forward and grow. And hey, not once did I ever say you have to like it! But it helps if you can put it into perspective and honor it for what it is. We all need a kick in the ass sometimes to get going, just like I needed those ants that day (I still have a sore where they bit me).

Here is my Google search – I highly recommend all of these articles just from reading the first few lines. I hope you enjoy them and that they serve you well.

So now let’s get to the metaphysical stuff. I am finding that at least this eclipse, I had to let go of that one big thing (the shoes, may you rest in peace shoes) that would have held me back after this growth period is over. Shoes are about how you are moving forward, and the shape of them (wear and tear) is metaphoric for the vehicle you use to move forward. Think about it – you wouldn’t get far with worn out shoes that hurt your feet or don’t protect against the elements. Anyway, very symbolic and for me, these shoes are an emotional attachment to a time that was horrible but also to a world that still had Erin in it. But that was the old Erin. Now we have the new Erin, wherever she is right now, and we also have new shoes. The old ones had to go.

That was my personal journey with letting go, you will certainly have your own. Yeah, there are other things I’m dumping but that was the significant one. I had to take the leap. It’s done. I feel good about it. I’m still breaking the new shoes in both metaphorically and physically, and may still get another pair. But all is as it should be.

We live in a time of great wonder. Look a little deeper and pay attention to what is around you and you will see it, I promise.

Namaste, Nutmaste, #lovingerin and #missingerin <3

Mar 07

Musings for 3/7/2016

We-must-be-willing-to-let-go-of-the-life-e14403456417251Ah, letting go seems to be today’s theme. I mean this in the sense of letting go of old energy so that you can embrace new energy. Think of it like updating your software, or hardware for that matter. They release updates for many reasons, including improved performance, updated features, security fixes, to be competitive with other vendors, etc. You can look at replacing the items, and sometimes people, in your life the same way. Please don’t take the people part wrong…if you love them keep them, but others you may find don’t treat you well, are very negative, etc. That’s what I mean there <3

So in the past two weeks, I felt the strong urge to get rid of my favorite but now old sneakers, my white footie socks, my underwear, my gym pants and long sleeve gym shirts, and I even cleaned off my desk and threw away some thing I had been keeping. Now, all of this stuff is over 2 years old and much of it was in good shape, but heavily used. Much of it was at every hospital visit we had with Erin, too. That energy was present every day I used it, but you know, when things are comfortable sometimes you have to get a kick in the arse to make a move.

My favorite shoes…Brooks Cadence 2 in purple. They were the most comfortable, and pretty, pair of sneakers I had worn in ages. First I got a tear in the right foot’s toe area, straight to my toe and sock. LOL! I kept wearing them, even though I felt the old, outdated energy. Oh, and you’re going to love this, the best part was when I brought in some type of biting ants (not fire ants) one morning after feeding the birds. Yeah, that was great. As I dumped them out of my shoe, I knew it was past due, so the shoes went in the garage and I ordered a new pair. I had been putting it off because I couldn’t find that exact pair due to the age, and truthfully my new pair of Brooks doesn’t fit as well, but maybe they are just interim shoes. Anyway…

Now, today, my external hard disk which has 99% of my work stuff on it, and much personal stuff too, says format to use. I’m in IT but just don’t have the damn energy to look up whether I can fix it or not. I mean, really? The whole thing is gone? I had a lot of stuff on there. Damn. But the signs were there too. I recently tried to copy many of the files over to my hard disk but they wouldn’t even copy. That’s a message don’t you think! Yes I’m stubborn – didn’t hear the message. I am most upset about some pictures I may have lost. Damn. Maybe the Universe will let me have those back 🙂

Oh, and the last plant Erin bought for her Fairy Garden, it died. I took good care of it, brought it into the garage for the winter, and one day it just flipping died for no reason. I’ve got a green thumb – trust me there was no reason.

The clear message is, carrying around old energy may not serve us any more. And your clothes, shoes, and other things that you use regularly or have sentimental value may become energetically outdated. If you can’t part with them by yourself, those things usually break or disappear. It just happens.

As a side note, I’m being asked to mention this so I will, and it may be confusing to some so bear with me. As you may now know, I dive deep into esoteric things and metaphysics, and I’ve been shown over and over in various ways how my relationship with Erin is evolving after her body died. So many times, the mother in me has asked, and cried, Why. Couldn’t we have learned these things and evolved with her here? I know the answer is no. She is becoming who she was destined to become, and me too. And we couldn’t have done that here together because we would not have made the right changes. I see it clearly. I could even tell you that if you were a client. But accepting it for myself? Sucks. I don’t wanna. But I get it. One day we will be who we are becoming together, and it will be as it should be. The energy in her body did not withstand this planet any longer, and so it did what was natural and died so that she could be released. So it goes with “things” and sometimes relationships. It’s a natural process that happens so that you can become more than what you are right now.

It is still painful, though, even if it’s just things. My shoes…I really don’t want to part with them. I’ve thought of burying them, or even burning them. Yes, like a freaking funeral. I even said out loud “I owe them that.” What? Yes, sounds nuts, but that’s the attachment I have to them, and truthfully the other items I wore at the hospital day in day out. The ones that caused me pain to wear after, but I didn’t have anything else so then it became a comfort. I may have to ask Shaun to do for me what I apparently can’t do for myself and just throw them away. Ugh. It hurts my heart to think about the whole mess, and it’s a tad embarrassing!

Without blabbering on anymore, y’all clean out your closets and stuff that you know you no longer want or need. You’ll feel like you’ve had what I call an “energetic enema.” ha ha! But seriously, letting go opens space for new things to flow in, and they will. I live my life that way and it’s a real thing. Well usually I do, LOL, and you see what happened to me with the shoes, and the external hard disk, when I didn’t willingly comply.

Namaste, Nutmaste, blessings and love, #missingerin and # lovingerin <3

Mar 04

Musings for 3/4/2016

Gotta love it when you feel pushed to post but have no idea what you want to say. Thank goodness that I don’t have to think of a descriptive or catchy title anymore! Woo hoo! Hey, removal of stress is a great thing and I highly recommend it! ha ha

Clearly my higher self or team wants me to write, and right now, but the interesting thing is that even as I type this sentence and can feel the ideas forming, I still don’t know what they are. I sure hope this is interesting or at least easy to spit out.

Apparently the topic today is earth changes. What are earth changes? Earth changes is the term describing all of the “end times” changes, from just increased bad weather to downright cataclysmic activity, that are supposed to happen in the (yes) end times. And now I see why I’m writing this today. This isn’t a message of fear, it’s one of love. I’ll get to that.

First, I want to point out to everyone that “end times” is really a misleading description. I suppose you must have an end before a beginning, but the point here is that there is always a new beginning. This idea is in every cultural reference from all civilizations and literature and religious texts. My favorite example is always the ancient Hindu Shiva the Destroyer and Vishnu the Preserver (or Protector). My second favorite is the idea of the Egyptian Sekhmet or the Hindu Kali, who are then balanced with others who rebuild and preserve life to go forward into another age.

Even the Judeo-Christian texts point to something new after the destruction, in this case either Heaven or Hell, but still renewed life of some sort. This cycle has been ongoing for many “ages,” and although the ancient texts point to this era being some type of final end of days, there is no reason to be afraid, as you are eternal and you will go on to some other life, or afterlife.

From a metaphysical standpoint, by the way, the idea is that we will be raised in vibration off of the current 3rd dimensional Earth. So if that is correct, perhaps it’s akin to the idea of Heaven because it would no longer be 3rd dimensional Earth but a higher vibration of some sort.

I really didn’t mean to spend so much time on that but I did, so there is it. Now, change is scary. I admit that! But it’s also exciting. Even knowing that our physical bodies are hard-wired for survival and will have a fear response to anything that threatens that, don’t you think we live in exciting times? Isn’t the prospect of a golden age, heaven, or even cataclysms exciting? I bet many of you have seen movies such as 2012 and The Day After Tomorrow, or others, and you enjoyed them didn’t you? But when it’s your life, not so appealing. I get it. Still, I got a clear message today to point out that this time we live in can be exciting and does not have to be scary.

That said, I do not wish pain, suffering, or loss on anyone. And that is bound to be part of any earth changes scenario. The only thing I can offer, is to look ahead to the goal. Some may want to see their loved ones in Heaven, others have different beliefs about where that will be, but it doesn’t matter. I say this knowing how awful it feels to be apart for even a day, and honestly it feels hollow to say it. Still it is a valid point. And the idea of something better, where we can live lives happy, peaceful, free of fear, and in abundance is a really appealing prospect no matter where it turns out to be. I don’t claim to have all of the answers. Just ideas.

And as suddenly as I felt the urge to write this, poof the flow is gone. Seems like an odd post…and now I wonder if it is foreshadowing some event. Regardless I’m going to do all that I can to hold the love vibration and not be in fear. On that note, I highly recommend Lisa Gawlas’ blog today as she described what fear does to us perfectly via a dream she had last night. I don’t know if I mentioned it here or not, but I had a similar dream recently, one I had been having for years but I finally got it and came to the same conclusion.

With that I leave you. Namaste, Nutmaste, blessings, love, #missingerin and #lovingerin !