Mar 01

Musings for 3/1/2016

frustration_reliefEmbarrassment and feeling stupid have turned to downright frustration. I admit it feels similar, but the flavor and scent are somewhat different. Ha ha. If I thought banging my head would help, I’d print that graphic out and attach it to a firm surface and proceed. But I know it will only give me a headache.

Still, I am now reminded of getting the emotional debris out of the physical body by some sort of safe physical violence, such as pounding your mattress or pillow. It actually really helps to process the emotions out of the physical body and you might be surprised. I once had a plastic baseball bat that I used to beat my bed. I liked the swing more than a pillow. It didn’t hurt the bat, me, the bed, or anything or anyone else so that’s what makes it safe. And it really works. I think I need to take my own advice today.

The best part of this is…I have no idea really what I am frustrated about. Still the feeling in my torso from my lower abdomen up to my throat chakra is strong. I am really processing out some residual stuff from – ?? – I don’t know. But I know that’s what it is.

By the way, I write about my processes so that it may help you. For example, I had a friend text the other day about what she was going through, and feeling, and I realized that she was in a stage of really “awakening” and she was experiencing absolutely normal feelings. But for some people who are in that space, it scares the hell out of them because it’s so far from their normal. I don’t know if that applied to my friend, but it applies to a lot of people. Then when they find out by reading, or talking with others with similar experiences, that they aren’t alone, it helps.

Misery may love company, but we aren’t meant to stay there but for an instant. Once you know that something is going on, you really do not have to hold on to it. I do not want to hold on to this frustration feeling any longer. I have seen it, greeted it, thanked it, and right this minute I am sending it love. I read yesterday that once you welcome a visitor, they often leave very soon. It’s the ones you try to keep at bay that stay forever. And wouldn’t you know it – I already feel it subsiding.

Still don’t have a clue what I am supposed to learn via this experience, though. But I expect it will be revealed to me soon. Or maybe, it’s just that I had to process this out of my cells and energy field. I think that is more of what this is. I also wonder what tomorrow’s emotion will be, LOL!

So the process seems to be…

  1. Recognize and feel the emotion. It’s important to be dead honest with yourself – I am feeling X, Y, Z. Even if you don’t know why you are feeling it, dive in deep and feel it. Honor yourself with that – it’s there for a reason.
  2. Ask yourself what you need to learn from this experience. You may or may not get an answer in your heart or mind, but if you do you will know it. If you need to sit with it awhile, do that. If not the feeling will start to move on sooner.
  3. Make sure to thank the ego/inner child for the experience of feeling that emotion. Send love to yourself, say the words that your ego always wanted to hear in regards to that emotion. It may be “You are smart!” Or “I love you” or even “You are beautiful.”

And don’t be surprised if you feel the emotional trigger again. Sometimes we have to peel the onion back a few layers due to a lifetime of accumulation.

I will end with this…last night I had the blessing of opening up to Shaun about feeling stupid and embarrassed. I don’t always share my inner work with him, mostly because delving into my mind is confusing for most people who aren’t me! But, I did, and that helped me to finish with those emotions. By being honest with him and speaking out loud, I in turn was completely honest with me. You don’t have to talk to others, but do talk with yourself. Even if you feel stupid doing so – your Self is listening just like it is when you criticize yourself or someone else does. The psyche hears all.

On to the next phase, of whatever this is. I seem to be traveling at lightening speed!

Namaste, Nutmaste, blessings, #missingerin and #lovingerin <3

Feb 29

Musings for 2/29/2016

embarassedOnce again, for a split second I could not remember the year. I managed to get it out, but my first thought was 2014, then 2015, then 2016. Maybe I’m floating around time and space. If so, I hope it gets more interesting than this.

Yesterday I experienced a range of negative emotions that I have not experienced in a long time. It wasn’t really my mind experiencing them, it was mostly my physical body. Somewhat my emotional body, but not the mental body for sure. It started out as anxiety due to some PTSD images that I had pop in at around 6am. Yeah, when that happens, sleep is over so I just got up. If you are wondering what, it was images from Erin’s stay in ICU and her body’s death. That is never pleasant no matter how you try to spin it.

Later on, I went with Shaun to the mall. I was confused to find that I still have panic attacks while shopping. Erin always shopped with me, and it doesn’t help to see happy mommies and daughters walking around. I could feel it building in the car on the way home, wasn’t able to breathe deeply (shallow breathing isn’t good for you), and that fact stressed me out even more. I am still somewhat carrying those feelings.

But THEN, we were playing Destiny and finally worked up the courage to seek out a fire team of people that we needed to play a certain mission. We didn’t have our mics hooked up (couldn’t find any laying around) and quickly realized that we had no idea what to do on this very specific raid. So very embarrassed, we quickly dropped out, probably ruining the raid for the others since you need 6. I apologized briefly via PS4 text.

THAT affected me deeply. But why? I didn’t know those people, and it shouldn’t have been something I carried with me but I did. I finally had to have a chat with my inner child, which honestly I haven’t done regularly in years since I first began emotional clearing, and she said to me that she felt stupid. Well that hit the nail on the head.

About that time, I had just read to nearly the end of the Matt Kahn book I’m reading. I can’t read for too long anymore due to all of the anxiety I’ve experienced, so I now read in bits and pieces. Anyway, it started talking about how when you’ve made leaps and bound in your inner work, often you “fall” back down to a space that feels like you just lost all of your progress. That’s because you have now seen things differently, and gained some knowledge and wisdom, and you now open up some residual mess (my words) to clear but with a more enlightened point of view. Ok, I get that. But dang, this feels like utter crap.

It also reminded me to be honest about what I am feeling and not try to whitewash it by acting like I’m not feeling the negative stuff. So I confessed – to myself. I feel stupid. I feel embarrassed. I feel sad about Erin, and I am afraid of every minute of every day living without her. I’m afraid of a lot of things in regards to that, too many to mention here. If I am honest I am at least somewhat bitter about what I have had to endure in this life. I am alone, and somewhat pissed about that. By that I refer to the fact that I am an only child, both parents are dead, my child is dead, and anyway, I walk alone mostly. I don’t mean disrespect to Shaun or to my Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins who I love dearly. Anyway, I will stop the list now because now that I think about it, I think I could go on.

By being honest, I am honoring my Self. The Inner Child is the part of me and you that harbors fears, causes behavior in regards to those fears, and tries to protect you from further hurt or harm. It’s also the joyful part that feels excitement and has fun. You don’t have to think of him or her as separate, but often it’s easier to view that aspect of you as a child because that part of you behaves like a child. It feels hurt and love. That’s a big reason to remind yourself that “I love you” and “I am beautiful.” The IC needs to hear that – YOU need to hear that.

Anyway, I am confused about this embarrassment thing. About feeling stupid, sad, etc. I am just generally confused at this point about all that has happened, and I’m admitting it. What the hell happened? Seriously. I can tell you things, but not what, because I don’t understand it on a level that, well, that I understand. So whatever. LOL

Admitting it is half the battle. Now the universe can show me. So show me universe. I’m looking – show me.

I guess that was it, as the flow has ended. Namaste, Nutmaste, blessings, #missingerin and #lovingerin <3

Feb 24

Musings for 2/24/2016

0901829001Tinker Bell BelieveI almost wrote 2015…wonder why that is? Nothing is coincidence! Well, on with the show here. I am pooped. I was rather industrious yesterday and the day before in the assimilating information and learning sense. Aside from working 7:30 am – 5 pm, I also did my first real module of a traditional Tarot course (Ryder-Waite deck) on Cups and Pentacles, helped a friend with an emotional clearing issue and some energy healing (sort of), cleared a whole lot of my own stuff (the womb thing, other things), and played most of a Destiny Nightfall Strike to kill Alak-Hul the Darkblade. Had to go eat dinner, paused the game, and lost connection. That’s enough to wear you out and make you mad!

Thank you to my friend yesterday and my friend this morning for letting me help with your emotional clearing stuff. It came up without being planned but let me get my feet wet again after years of sitting in the bleachers. It’s also nice to be able to see the threads of things and how they are woven into a nice tapestry that I experience as life. Often I can see the threads interwoven, but I’m not able to really put it into words. At any rate, when I notice those types of things, I am amazed and pleased to be able to see the connections. Anyway, thank you to both friends <3

Each moment of each day brings me closer to completion of personal and spiritual growth, but it’s not just for me. Any time that you – yes YOU – raise your vibration just a little bit, the ripples in the pond wash over everyone else and raise theirs too. If you don’t believe that it works, look at the article I found today entitled Harvard Report Advocates for Kindness Instead of Overachieving. Are you sure this is from my world? LOL!! Yes, it is! Isn’t that amazing?!? Who knew that the whole world would finally be paying attention to kindness? I always hoped but never thought I would actually see it.

Ah, which brings me to today’s topic, apparently. I get this feeling washing over me when I hit upon it in case you didn’t know. Believing.

I used to use the word Knowing (capital K) to indicate that I not only had the information, I deeply knew or understood it. I thought it encompassed everything. Obviously not. When Erin began communicating with me after her body’s death, she told me BELIEVE. Yeah, it was in all caps and that was deliberate because she was emphasizing and shouting, through a picture at any rate. I am visual and have always been more clairvoyant and clairsentient than clairaudient, so pictures and feelings work very well for me. I said OK, I will BELIEVE because you told me and I believe you. You know, I did, not not entirely. It’s a process. Oh, she also showed me a picture of one of her Tinkerbell figurines. Guess what? This one had Believe on both wings. <3

Anyway, I was just nudged to look up the differences. Here’s the definition of Believe:

  • : to accept or regard (something) as true

  • : to accept the truth of what is said by (someone)

  • : to have (a specified opinion)

And conversely, Know:

  • : to have (information of some kind) in your mind

  • : to understand (something) : to have a clear and complete idea of (something)

  • : to have learned (something, as a skill or a language)

Wow, see the difference? Honestly I hadn’t looked them up until just now. I’m a little astounded.

And for fun, Faith:

  • : strong belief or trust in someone or something

  • : belief in the existence of God : strong religious feelings or beliefs

  • : a system of religious beliefs

Apparently builds on Belief. But she wouldn’t have used that, because since I am not religious, I don’t really identify. Perhaps you do, which is why I included it.

Bit by bit, since the first time she spoke to me after she passed, I have built on this belief and as my experiences are validated, I believe a little more. The foundation is stronger I suppose. I believe, for the purposes of my writing today, that the point is if we all believed that the world was changing, was kinder, was abundant, etc. etc. blah blah, perhaps it would just happen? I’m not sure. I do know that since I have begun feeling and practicing more kindness and unconditional love, I am experiencing just that. Seeing it reflected in the world at large is wonderful also though. That also gives me a foundation for Hope.

<3 Love, Blessings, Namaste, Nutmaste, #missingerin and #lovingerin <3

Feb 23

Musings for 2/23/2016

Often I talk about things like “multidimensional” and “3D” and things that maybe you don’t know what I am talking about. Or vibration, frequency, raising it, etc. So think about it this way…you see someone change from angry and afraid, to kind and giving and joyful. That’s a change in vibration. Everyone has one. For example, I became sad earlier, missing Erin, and it brought mine down from wherever it was (higher, more joyful). Lower vibes from your emotions or even other people will make you feel bad if you are on a higher frequency, and your higher vibration may make someone at a lower one feel irritated. It’s quite interesting really. Oh, yes, there is a point to all of this, just hang on.

So my higher self presence is coming through very strong today and wants me to talk about being 3D – what it looks like in other words. If you can’t recognize something, you sure can’t change it right? This is not to judge, or teach you to judge. It’s to help you recognize.

You might want to know “Why would I want to change?” Well, do you want to be kinder? More loving? More loved? More peaceful? Less fearful? Have an easier, flowing life? Or at least have less drama? Then maybe it’s time to assess where you are, and where you want to be.

First, let’s look at some examples of 3D concepts and ideas, straight from my brain.

  • I should be jealous if my mate talks to another woman.
  • I need and want more money. This money is mine, you can’t have it. You didn’t work for this money I did.
  • If you don’t do X, Y, and Z you don’t love me.
  • Animals don’t feel pain or have emotions. (If this is too far fetched for you, consider that this has been said about different skin colors of humans before, too)
  • Males and Females cannot be friends.
  • If someone doesn’t call me Ma’am or Sir, they are disrespecting me and that cannot stand.

These are all real examples, from my own experiences and my experiences around others. But how did me and my friends learn these things? Well, someone taught us this. Yes, they did. Perhaps well-meaning but they taught these things to you and I. Maybe it wasn’t even in childhood. Maybe one day your buddy says to you, “Man, your girl talking to the mailman is disrespecting you.” And then you believed him, and created this falsehood within your mind and then within your relationship. It’s amazing how we let ourselves be fooled by the mind.

So are you wondering yet how the mind is fooled? The mind, by itself, is fallible. It’s only half of the tools you need to get there. To truly know something, you also have to engage the heart. Yes, you have to feel it. Pretty cool huh?

Let’s go back to the discussion I had yesterday (technically this morning) about the chakras. Remember the 1st chakra is survival, the 4th is the heart, and the 7th is the crown. So Survival, Heart, and Mind. You actually use all of these for your actions and reactions (as well as the others, but let’s focus on these). And keep in mind, I would write a book on this, but am trying to cram it into a few paragraphs. Sorry it’s a blog post not an article!

Let’s say that you are faced with a situation, maybe the one where you are suddenly told that your girlfriend saying hello to the mailman is disrespecting you. When you hear that information, how do you feel? Are you afraid she is cheating? Jealous? Afraid of looking bad or stupid to your buddy? Do you have a need to control her actions? What’s going on here? If you answered yes to these, when you engaged the mind, the first chakra took over (i.e., your ego got going) and you felt a root Fear. The fear may have engulfed your heart, but the heart never had a hand in this decision. You made your decision, basically, from the lower chakras only and thus a lower vibration. Very 3D decision and attitude.

Same situation, but this time you are completely calm. You FEEL that there is nothing there, and you tell your friend “Nah man, that’s not what it is at all” and you go on with your business. You felt the response in the heart. You probably did check with your base chakra, but with no fear issue in play, your heart and your mind worked together (upper chakras) to resolve the issue.

Conversely, if you are asked to make a decision, think about it this way. If you feel excitement, that’s your heart telling you to follow your desire. If you feel fear, that’s your base chakra and mind telling you to follow the “safe course.” More often than not, the issue has nothing to do with survival and everything to do with the damaged ego keeping you from following your dreams and heart’s desire.

Maybe you’re considering sky diving and feel a mix of fear and excitement. Well, that’s normal don’t you think? So then you use your mind to ensure you have proper safety gear, etc. and you thus honor your base chakra by surviving this exciting adventure. At the same time the ego/inner child knows that their job is done and valued. You are a rather balanced individual.

Well, I have to say that I have no idea anymore where this is going, so I’m stopping here. There is probably one fine soul out there who needed to read this. If it’s you, please ask questions even if you do it privately! I’m a bridge – I help people bridge from one place to the next. So use me as such, as I am in service to you.

Namaste, Nutmaste, #missingerin and #lovingerin <3

 

Feb 23

Musings for 2/22/2016

**This was started on 2/22…and then I got busy with dinner 🙂

Oh, well, I tried my best to find a communicative graphic but could not find just the right one. I found some pretty ones, but also am always unsure if they are public use or not. I have waited all day to write. I know why now. It had to gestate.

Yes, this is about the womb. You can understand that metaphorically and literally. But it’s not gross, ok? That’s not where I am going with this. It’s a very personal story, but also very important to share.

Weeks ago I had a session with Chloe Hudson from World Peace Projects. It was 1.5 hours long and jam packed. You all know that my body, mind, and spirit are broken. They were more broken then and less now thanks to her care, kindness, and expertise. One of the comments she made was that my 2nd chakra was sort of a puke greenish yellow when it should be vibrant orange. I didn’t doubt that. She said my womb and 2nd chakra were damaged and grieving (or something similar, my words). I didn’t doubt that either. Unless you have ever had your child forcibly taken from you, you cannot possibly understand the longing.

Needless to say, I forgot about it and really haven’t thought about it until maybe an hour ago. But the last week I have had terrible nausea all day, and stomach cramps after food intake. I knew that it was simply a lot of solar and photonic light entering my body and I get it, but geez, lasted for days. At some point, I became afraid that I was pregnant. Admitting this is both somewhat embarrassing and liberating. Didn’t I talk about honesty recently?

Let me stop you – yes I know what you are asking – and say that no, I do not want another child. I want MY child. She can’t be replaced. Yes I know that there are children out there who need families. If one came along I would not shun it, but I am not looking for nor do I want another child. I want MY child, but none other.

I knew I was not pregnant, but finally I honored the fear that came up (remember: False Evidence Appearing Real), and I remembered another thing I had read about the female and the womb. So I told my womb, “womb, thank you so much for carrying my child. I’m sorry for all of the culture taught shame and guilt that I have projected on to you since childhood, and I honor you. And I love and honor you now, and I grieve with you. And if you are lovingly carrying another child, I will honor that and love the child. But please, I do not want another child, and it is no reflection on you.”

Still the stomach stuff persisted and I sort of forgot that I had that conversation with my womb. And now, I have completely lost this flow, as if the story has finished. I suppose it has, as I started my menses today out of the blue, and the whole physical womb monthly cycle has begun anew.

(This is the 2/23 part of the blog)

You see that I thought I was finished. I wasn’t! After I read a heartfelt post from a friend, I had a lot of realizations and very strong emotions that I can no longer remember. But they had to do with not only carrying a baby in my womb, and thus creating life, but also the creation of my own life in my mother’s womb. Long before the idea of a one god religion, there was the Mother and Father. And with the Mother, you have the womb and creation of new life. The theme runs through all cultures, and right now I am thinking of the many stories featuring the old Crone, the woman, and the young children. It’s circular you see. The Crone embodies all that the child and the woman have experienced and will experience. Right now I feel like the old Crone, symbolically, and I am learning to understand the experiences that came before, so that I can drop my baggage and be renewed for what is to come. I know that in the stories the Crone eventually dies, but we are changing the narrative to renewed life and enhanced wisdom. I like that story better.

I am now remembering some of what was going through my mind last night after reading my friend’s masterpiece. Due to culture, religion, and other factors, we are basically taught from birth to be ashamed of our private parts. We are taught that sex is bad, that our sexual feelings are bad, and for heaven’s sake do not touch your privates or expose them! Be ashamed of your gender and hide it under gender appropriate clothing. While on the surface this does serve a purpose, it is damaging to young psyches and old ones too because it brings with it a tremendous amount of guilt and shame. Most of the time, we carry that guilt and shame not having done anything to deserve it. We were just told to have it and so, we do.

If you are wondering what sex has to do with the womb, everything. It’s all energetically the same 2nd chakra. I decided to take a large excerpt from the Chakra Anatomy site. There is more on the page, but this sums it up:

The Sacral Chakra is your passion and pleasure centre and it is located in the pelvic area. While the Root Chakra is satisfied with survival, the 2nd chakra seeks pleasure and enjoyment.

The gift of this chakra is experiencing our lives through feelings and sensations.

The second chakra is the centre of feeling, emotion, pleasure, sensuality, intimacy, and connection.

The energy of this chakra allows you to let go, to move, and to feel change and transformation occurring within your body. It allows you to experience this moment as it is, in its own fullness.

The main challenge for the second chakra is the conditioning of our society. We live in a society where feelings are not valued, where passion, and emotional reactions are being frowned upon. We are being taught not to “loose control”. And we get disconnected from our bodies, our feelings.

As if this was not enough, we also experience the wounds of our collective cultural struggles over many sexual issues of our society. On one hand sexuality is magnified and glorified, and on the other hand it is rejected. This results in either blocked or excessive second chakra issues.

No wonder we have so many issues with our passion centre, the wellspring of feelings, enjoyment, and sensuality.

Do you love your body? Do you enjoy feeling your body? When was the last time you walked barefoot on the grass and felt the sensation of ground underneath your feet?

The sacral chakra is also your centre of creativity.

Passion is the fuel of creative energy. Everything you create, a poem, a drawing, or a website, originates from the energy of second chakra. It is also where your fertility originates. After all, conceiving a child is a creative process.

A person with an open Svadhisthana Chakra is passionate, present in her body, sensual, creative, and connected to her feeling.

For a female, we also have the extra weight of religious doctrine against us. We are the Temptress, the downfall of man. We are asked to cover up, to remain subservient, and to be ashamed of just being a woman. If we are pregnant, we are taught to be ashamed of that too. Only if it meets certain conditions can we discuss and share it, and then that only became prevalent in recent years. Do you remember hearing your grandmothers talking about the code words they used to use for pregnancy like “PG?” I do, because it wasn’t nice to talk about even if you were married!

All of this does a number on our entire energy system. I said energy system to just cover it all. The 1st chakra is your survival instinct. It takes over when you are threatened – you do what you have to do to get along or flat our survive. When the 2nd chakra is out of whack, don’t you think you feel threatened often? At least by shame and guilt. That also throws off your 3rd chakra – personal power. Then there is the 4th, the heart chakra. How hard do you think it would be to understand and experience unconditional love if you had no idea what that was? Think about it! Folks, all of that do this don’t do that or I will be ashamed of you – whether coming from family, friends, churches, schools, etc. – that is Conditional Love. Then you get the 5th chakra, the throat which rules over speaking our truth. Hmph, forget that if you need to meet those conditions for love! The 6th, the brow or more commonly 3rd eye chakra, is seeing both the inner and outer. Really, self reflection and spiritual contemplation. When I was very out of balance, I didn’t do a whole lot of that. Who had time or energy? I didn’t like myself much, and so didn’t want to look at me. Then you have the 7th or Crown chakra. In balance, you feel unity with the All That Is. You also experience serenity, joy, and peace. Fat chance with all that I have described above.

I think most of you see a pattern here, and it’s a negative one. This is why I chose to discuss the womb. It’s not just a female problem, though. Every male alive came from a womb. Even the virgin birth story has a womb in it! That’s not the only one. If I remember correctly, the goddess Athena came out of an egg (a womb), and so did Confucious if I’m not mistaken. It’s a theme in other words.

I am sure that by now I have exhausted this subject, and truthfully I again no longer have a flow. This was my news for yesterday and I’ll end it here and pick up today a little later.

Oh, in case anyone cares, I am, after many years, now ready to do sessions again. I do emotional clearing guidance, guide communication, and I read divination cards and tarot. The cards are a lot of fun actually and always surprise me when I pull my own. I may even start doing energy work later on, which reminds me I do reiki but not long distance yet.

I love you all. Namaste, Nutmaste, #missingerin and #lovingerin <3

 

 

Feb 19

Daily Musing for 2/19/2016

Ha! I am at a loss for a title again and too tired to think up one, so I will just stick with this out of pure laziness. I am able to make the decision to be lazy without feeling guilty aren’t I? Of course I am, and you are too. Just be honest about it, because honesty with Self and others is what matters most in reconciling emotions and changing habits and patterns.

That was an unexpected topic, and now I can no longer remember what I wanted to say today. It’s in here, though, so bear with me. I am still courageously saying I Love You to FaceBook each day and am on Day 3 of that. I am obviously patting myself on the back and providing encouragement with the courageous statement. You see, yesterday I had another experience that amused and perplexed me.

I had to get out of my home office and actually dress in business attire and see people yesterday. Yeah, it’s a big deal for me. Since Erin’s body died, I have really had to be careful to shield myself from emotions that aren’t mine. It doesn’t matter if they are good or bad emotions, they get overwhelming. And being an empath, I simply take on things that are not mine because I feel everything going on around me. It’s more a blessing than a curse, though. Who would want to be unfeeling? Not me. I got the better end of that stick.

So anyway I am blessed to be in a position to moderate my physical exposure to others and honestly, a lot of days I only open the doors to let the dog out to the bathroom. I feel overexposed even walking to the mailbox. Can’t explain it but it’s true.

Well yesterday I ended up seeing several people, mostly all at once in an office, that I had not seen in a long time. It was so good to see them! They seemed glad to see me, and I was glad to see them! Yay! I really mean that…I enjoyed it immensely. But as soon as I walked out the door to my car, I felt the feeling I had felt the day before when I got “overexposed” on FaceBook with the first day of I Love You’s. So yeah, it amused and perplexed me, but I am coming to understand it.

I was right about my heart chakra opening up wide, taking it all in. And by all in, I mean blending with everyone else’s emotional field. The description I used a few days ago about feeling vulnerable, and now I understand exposed, is correct. It’s like an intense energy merge, and it’s very personal. I don’t know how else to describe it and if you aren’t very empathic you wouldn’t feel it. But I do! And it’s intense, and it scares me.

I realize that I have felt this feeling many times over the years in various scenarios, and each time I end up feeling “dirty” as if I had just had sex with all of them. LOL! I may have mentioned part of this the other day, but as I said I am coming to understand it. Sex, obviously, is very personal right? And while this is quite different, the personal nature of opening up to others energy fields like this is really new to us HUmans. We keep a wall up of personal space and that includes our thoughts and feelings. Get too close and walls go up even higher than before. Hey, you, you can’t be in here! Why not? Because that’s not how we do things on Planet Earth, don’t you know that? *Sigh*

Yet at the same time, we throw around ideas and words like Collective Consciousness, We Are All One, and we talk about how everything is connected blah blah. Even science is finding this fact out now via quantum experiments and such. But when it comes to opening up our Selves to others, to that two way street, oh hell no! Can’t do that! You know how this is – you and I both have talked the talk but not walked the walk!

And I get it. Sometimes it is just too painful to get emotionally involved. It might be the animal shelter or the homeless guy on the street, but it hurts to see the struggle, to connect emotionally, and to not be able to “fix it” or whatever. But we also unconsciously close ourselves off to Love. We don’t give it or receive it, except in token gestures. We might say it to close family or friends. We might buy our kids toys to make up for not being at their ballgame. We might feel love for our parents but never say it, because they don’t say it to us either. Oh, and if that’s you, you are probably also keeping them at arms length emotionally and them you (who else would you have learned your behavior from? 🙂 ). But give or receive unconditional, pure love? Not us. And I know this from experience. I’m not just taking your word for it.

I am still awestruck by my physical body’s reaction to receiving love. I cannot believe, or at least I’m amazed, that it’s physically distressing to receive love! I mean, seriously, WTF! Not a question – an exclamation! I mean, how F’d up do we have to be to have a physical reaction to that? A lot I would think! ha ha. Oh, and I am totally loving the reactions I am getting on FaceBook. Don’t get me wrong, even the reactions that come across as confused, perhaps even distressed, are still so loving and beautiful! Remember I am reading your energy not necessarily your words, and also remember that I love you dearly. Seeing those cracks of light beaming forth from whatever was there before, it’s just beautiful. Today, each response I have read resulted in a huge smile breaking across my face each time I have checked my thread. So thank you for that, you beautiful, loving, and deserving people! You are truly awesome.

Now I will get off on a bit of an alt topic for a second…This wave of Unconditional Love, the learning and experiencing of it, is what we call the arrival of the Christ Consciousness. And it’s here, it’s permeating our planet. If you are unfamiliar with this but familiar with Jesus, what was his message? It was love. It IS love. He was love and he practiced love and kindness. I don’t even know why anyone bothers to ask what would Jesus do, because he would love. He would love and be kind all over your asses! And mine too. All of us. Because he embodied the Christ Consciousness (i.e., Unconditional Love) and he brought that to Earth 2000 years or so ago, and seeded it to grow into a flower. Well folks, we are flowering, right now. It was a mighty long bloom cycle, but will be well worth it when each of us flowers have bloomed.

I get a nice visual now, of us blooming and our love filled pollen being carried all over the planet. It touches even those who have hard hearts! Falls all over their windshields and houses and makes them sneeze and stuff. And they complain, oh how they complain! But eventually it’s in their system, and damn they can’t help but exude love themselves.

I reposted a friend’s blog post yesterday which asked “What if…” to many things. I’m going to ask you now to visualize this…What if instead of fear, everyone on this planet had a heart full of love? What if instead of greedy, they were kind? What if we suddenly realized that there is enough of whatever it is for everyone, and we were glad to help the guy next to us with his? What if you didn’t want for anything, and you just got to enJOY yourself every day, and love others? What if you got to experience life in JOY, and LOVE, and EXCITEMENT? What if!!!

So that’s the end of my flow for today. Love you all <3

Namaste, Nutmaste, #missingerin and #lovingerin

Feb 17

Daily Musings – 2/17/2016

I am so exhausted emotionally and mentally right now, I decided why not just streamline daily blog post names and make it easy? Well, I decided so I suppose that is a statement! So here is what is going on today…

I have thought for days about telling FaceBook “I Love You!” I haven’t acted on it, but logged in to see an old classmate WS posting his own I love you to his FB friends. I thought, OK this is my clarion call, let’s do this. And I did! Yay! Saying I love you is so powerful, and so controversial in some regards. People seem to think there is only romantic love, or that you can’t say I Love You to people who you don’t romantically love, or who aren’t close family. What if they get the wrong idea?! they may say. Well, I say, What if they feel loved?! How awesome would that be? (Pretty awesome is the answer)

I don’t take credit for this. I learned about saying I Love You’s from listening to Matt Kahn on YouTube. And from reading his new book, Whatever Arises, Love That. I have tried it myself, out loud and in my own mind, saying I love you to people and to myself and wow, it is phenomenal. But, I must say that how I personally felt hearing it AND saying it, I have been both warmly surprised and strangely bewildered.

So Matt K. suggests that you start by saying I love you to your Self. Say it daily, for up to 2 minutes at a time. Say it as needed. Say it once if that’s all you can get out. Say it out loud, or silently. That’s the gist of it – sorry I do not have Matt’s instructions on hand. In fact, say all of the things to YOU that you have always wanted to hear from others. Your psyche/ego doesn’t know the difference. It really just needs to hear them. And if you don’t love YOU first, well, why expect to hear it from others right? You do love you don’t you?

Oh, I thought I did, I really did. But the first time I said I Love You to myself, maybe a month ago, boy I felt awful. My heart chakra felt like utter poop. I thought, how strange, why would I react this way to loving me? I don’t know, maybe I have been so critical of me for so long, my self didn’t believe me? I had to stop for that day, but picked it up the next day. It felt somewhat better. And the next, better than before. You get the picture. It was a welcome addition to the unconditional love “switch” that had been flipped in me since Erin’s body died. I can’t describe that to you, unfortunately, other than to say that it’s just a different and distinct feeling. If you want to know more, just ask. I would love to discuss it with you 🙂

Fast forward to this morning. I wanted to spread love. Pure love, kindness, and so forth and so on. And I did! But then I had the strangest feeling. With my heart chakra open wide (I could feel it), I felt vulnerable and a little uneasy. I think maybe I was feeling fear. You know that fear you feel when you meet a new friend, but the energy is just too much and so you pull away? Ok, if that doesn’t make sense, what comes to mind is when you open up a little too much, and then you feel a little dirty. The dirty part is shame. Oh, I was too real. Now these people will not like me. I’m exposed. Vulnerable. Felt good at the time but now I am ashamed. I bet each of you can insert your own thoughts there, or may have echoed mine at one time or another.

Keep in mind – this is NOT a comment on anyone who thought or said I love you back! This is me, working out my own dysfunction, but out loud and to/with you as a reader. Honestly I was on top of the world until my inner child (read: ego) got involved. That’s the important part there…when acting via my HEART it felt and was wonderful. When acting via my mind, it was still wonderful but felt awful. Remember that shame is just a flavor of fear. False Evidence Appearing Real.

You see lovelies, all that I did here was stop to feel and honor the feeling I was having (both physically and emotionally), and then examine it to see what was up. Now that I know, I can move through it. And I will, because tomorrow I am going to show up bright and early and love you some more. Out loud, or at least in print.

If you are still reading as you wonder “Why is love so important?”, let me share this with you. You can listen but may want to watch as you can see the emotion flowing.

How to Awaken Yourself & Others One “I Love You” At a Time (Video)

And here’s an excerpt of the last bit…

Alan Steinfeld: One “I love you” at a time?

Matt Kahn: Yes. One “I love you” at a time.

Alan Steinfeld: Is there more to do with this? Is there another level?

Matt Kahn: Um-hum. More love – until we forget the one who is loving; until we lose track of the one who is being loved. And, there’s just love loving love – until the entire planet and universe explodes in the grace of your almighty presence. So, love away.

Wow. Love away indeed. I can promise you that if you hold love in your heart, nothing will bother you or get you down. I’ve experience it truly for the first time in these last few months, one I love you at a time.

Namaste, Nutmaste, blessings, and #missingerin and #lovingerin <3

 

Feb 16

Making Way for the Next Place

the-journeyI chose this title for today’s blog because of a book that my lovely neighbor, GL, gave us after Erin’s body died. It’s called The Next Place. I have only read it once, but it speaks of where you go after your body dies. Simply put, the next place. Because how do we really know where that is until we get there?

Today, I am applying this idea to our journey through this life. As of late, I have done a lot of inner work. You could call it soul searching, clearing, or any number of terms but the point is that I have again both removed layers of baggage and added layers of clarity. I am at the next place. It’s next after the previous place that I was on my journey.

However, I find that I am extremely uncomfortable here today. I have had more than a few conversations this morning already, and have noticed a stark difference in some cases between my perception and how others quantify and perceive things. Then I find that I feel alone, and wonder if those things that I Know and feel are just fantasy. And then, I think to myself “Geez, I’ve come so far and I still need validation. That stinks.”

I guess the good news is that the negative feelings didn’t make me sink so low as they would have before. Also, the need for validation wasn’t as strong as it was before. Still, it’s there, and I don’t like it. And that said, I do not want to go back to the place I was before. I have arrived in the next place, and I want to learn and then go to the next.

Maybe it’s because we are in HUman bodies, maybe it’s because we are weak and infirm, maybe it’s a lot of things. But show me one person incarnate on the planet who needs absolutely nothing from another HUman and I’ll be surprised. I bet that even the most advanced monk or guru finds themselves in need of validation on occasion. I bet they are advanced enough to be amused at the feeling and pursue it, though. Me, well, I just get stonewalled and wallow in it. I complain here to you, and to others in other places. I whine and sometimes cry. But really it’s just part of my journey inward, part of the revelation of myself, that will propel me to the next place.

Today I shared something on FaceBook that talked about being in service to others. It was a graphic with some inspiring words on it. One of the lines said to be a lamp for others, and while I’ve forgotten the rest and can no longer find it, that really speaks to me. While we really do not need validation (notwithstanding wanting it), sometimes we do need for someone’s light to shine and help us find our way. We do, and you may notice that every time it gets “dark” in your life, someone acts as that lamp for you. Yes it is divinely inspired. I have had several lamps help me along today and it’s only noon here. Those lamps light the way, so that when you are strong enough to move, you can go to the next place. I have taken several breaks in writing this blog today, and during that short time period, have already made it to the next place from the one I started the blog at since those kind souls lit the way for me. Cool isn’t it?

That must be all, because the flow is gone for now. See you along the road to the next place.

Namaste, Nutmaste, Blessings, and #missingerin <3

 

 

Feb 05

Delving Deeper Through My Dreams

Sometime early in January, I thought, I am going to dedicate myself to write every day again. Well, I have been integrating and working out a lot of stuff deep within, and have not been able to bring myself to do anything more than write a private email about it here and there. And even in that case, I have been largely quiet. Sometimes you just need to take the time to absorb and let things settle.

In my case, it was the huge release of grief gunk that Chloe Hudson helped with in January. I am still sad, don’t misunderstand, but it’s a lighter type of sad. I may have mentioned that she saw me as wearing a Kevlar suit with spikes that were turned inward. It sure felt like that.

I had another, shorter, session with Chloe the other day and it took a different path, but was very good. I have no idea at this point what I have ever mentioned, but I have had several sessions of different types with intuitives, psychics, mediums, etc. since Erin’s body died. She comes in loud and clear in each one. There is no way they would say the things they say, if it wasn’t her talking to them or through them! She also communicates with me regularly in a myriad of ways.

So I have “risen” in vibration or frequency to another level so to speak. It’s a different space, to describe it more neutral (have I ever mentioned how sucky Earth languages are at communicating concepts?). Anyway, I have had some odd dreams this week since and I finally figured them out today. In the first dream, me and some other people, who promptly disappeared, went to some island chain somewhere. It was funny because when I looked around, they were tiny little islands that weren’t so far apart and you probably could have swam between them. The people had disappeared, though, and my first conscious thought was that someone said there might be piranha in these waters. I never saw any, but the more afraid I got the smaller my island shrank until it was really just a rock about 2 feet out from my feet on either side. I remember thinking, oh no, what if the waves splash me and one bites me? About that time, I noticed my luggage, sitting in the water but right next to a tall chest of drawers. Yep, right in the ocean. So I climbed up a few times on top of it, then would find myself back on my rock. I finally woke up.

Last night, I dreamed that I was in “my” house. I apparently had a rather large walk in closet. As I walked through it, I could see my clothes AND Erin’s clothes hanging there. I was telling myself, be positive, don’t let this get you down because you BELIEVE you will see her soon. Then I went into the bathroom to pee. The bathroom, attached to the closet, was apparently a U shape and had another closet on the opposite side from the toilet. As I passed, I thought, I wonder what’s back there! As a child I was always afraid of what I could not see, even if the house had been locked up all day. But I sat down and peed with no problem.

But then I came back through. I remember seeing a green shirt of Erin’s that was in like a dry cleaner plastic hanging there. It wasn’t anything she has in reality, but you know, in the dream it was hers. And I was going to pee again. When I passed through the bathroom door this time, my vibration had fallen and I was immediately afraid of who or what was in the other section. Well, the damn lights went out and would not come back on. I have had this recurring nightmare with the lights all of my life and had no idea what it meant until just this morning. I sat down because I had to go, and thought I am going to will these lights to come back on. I raised both arms, smiled, and yelled “Let there be light!” to the top of my lungs! LOL It didn’t work, but I was trying to put on a brave face. I got up, fairly scared, and tried the switches again with no luck. Then I woke up.

In both of these dreams, things happened due to a fear response. In emotional terms, there are two polarities — Love and Fear. All other emotions are vibratory flavors of those two poles. Obviously, grief would fall in the fear spectrum. I also want to point out that many people say FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. Well, that works for sure in these two dreams.

In the water dream, I responded to what someone told me might be true. I had no evidence of it, and it never even presented itself during the experience. But I believe it, and I was afraid, and so things were “closing in on me” as a result. The dresser or chest of drawers represented things I keep such as thoughts, beliefs, or memories. Water if the collective consciousness, and emotions. So what I was doing was floating out in the collective emotional body of All That Is, and all of us, and I made someone else’s suggestion my own belief. Then I tried to climb up on my own beliefs to help myself out but just couldn’t seem to stay there. The luggage I haven’t mentioned, but it could be anywhere from preparing for travel or my baggage (anything from necessities to useless emotions, etc.). I suspect it was there to symbolize baggage, since I climbed on and over it to get to my dresser full of beliefs and memories.

For last night’s dream, as soon as my vibration fell, I lost clarity or the ability to “shed light on” anything. I found myself in darkness, alone and afraid. It’s funny because I was peeing which can mean, getting rid of something undesired or unwanted. So I tried, bless my heart, to get rid of that lower vibe but I guess I could not do a good enough job of it! Now the interesting thing here is that Erin’s shirt tried to show me a gift from her – green (and especially that particular shade of emerald green) is the color of the heart chakra. In a meditation last summer, Erin and Archangel Michael both gave me an emerald green candy ring (you know those big ones kids like!). Then before the meditation was over, they both put it into my heart chakra to restore it. My point is I understand the emerald green gift from Erin.

I feel like I probably have an article detailing the emotional spectrum, but don’t know which one it is. It’s been years since I was an emotional clearing counselor and regularly writing articles. Since just before Erin was born actually. Ironic huh that it took her death to throw me back into the fray. I understand it though. I had to pull from every tool in my bag, and find new ones and new ways to use the old ones. I haven’t been fighting for my life, but have been fighting for my sanity for sure. And hopefully, my fight will help some other people. Even just one would be outstanding.

Do look for an article on the value of experiencing emotions, though. I need to add to what I have published and learned about emotional clearing and our time spent here in these bodies on this planet. Until then, Namaste, blessings, #missingerin and #lovingerin (Thanks for that one RE).

<3

Jan 15

More Love

Where do I start? I have wanted to write something since late December, but was pretty much debilitated and unable to do so. December was a grueling month and it lasted into January for Shaun and I both. So much to say, so many interrelated topics. Let me start with what I think may be the most important piece.

I had preordered Matt Kahn’s book Whatever Arises, Love That. Yeah, I know you are thinking “whatever!” but if you listen to what Matt has to say, it makes a ton of sense. I’ve recommended him before and will again at his website , his FaceBook page, and his YouTube channel. I also highly recommend the book.

That said, obviously love is the topic. I don’t mean romantic love, I mean love. The love you feel for your fellow human. You know, the kind that pours out of your heart and in return flows into it. If you haven’t felt that lately, get the book. You’ll be glad you learned how to love again.

But that’s not what I wanted to say. I already learned that I was here, incarnated now and whenever else, for the experience. Not to learn – to experience. I plan to write an article on that because it’s very important. I learned years ago we are here to learn lessons. That’s only part of it though. Humans in particular, we never learn until we experience something. I can tell you ten times not to touch the stove because it will burn you. But you will touch it at least once, and then you learn through experience. I can also tell you to be kind to others, because you will regret it one day. But you will never learn until you experience that regret. And I’m telling you this…you guessed it…from experience.

So while that is a topic in and of itself, I was reading Matt’s book today on my day off and pondering how grief has actually opened my heart to love. Or more fully to love. It had the transforming effect of more love pouring in and out. Irony is a bitch, you know? Well, at least there is value right? That was more of a statement than a question.

Anyway it got me thinking. While I am in no way knocking the Keys of Compassion, because they are very valuable and have added tremendous value to my life, I don’t recall learning this piece about love that I am learning now. And maybe it just wasn’t part of it, or maybe I missed that point. I learned that Compassion is the opposite of Fear. Those are two sides of the scale, with compassion being the highest vibrational form of the positive side. And Compassion doesn’t mean what you think it does either. It means feeling empathy yes, but also loving enough to allow someone to experience their life’s lesson without trying to take away their pain. That is a watered down version of it but again, another article. I think I have an old one written in fact. See my Articles link. (I’m too lazy to look for you and link it – sorry.)

Well, I missed love in there somewhere. I had felt love, but I think most of my “love” was mental and not within my emotional body. I had deep abandonment issues from childhood and other lifetimes, and that sort of fear permeates your entire life. Even though I had shed a shit ton of that by the time Erin was born, I still had a lot of it. Fear I mean. I didn’t even know it, but it popped up to create dysfunctional situations in my every day life all the time. I had also never felt empathy for anyone who lost a child. I had an epiphany after Erin died – it was because that was too painful, and I was afraid of it. So I kept myself closed off in those situations. And, yes, I felt like a total jerk for every single time I had not felt it, or commented unkindly.

But now, I’ve just got love pouring out of my heart for everyone. Even people who do bad things. I may mentally be confused, dismayed, or even feel hurt by it, but I catch myself pouring love out of my heart chakra to them. So in other words, there is no rage or anger or feelings of revenge. Just love. Wow. It’s a profound feeling and perhaps not one I can ever explain to you.

There’s a commercial on in Alabama right now, that says something like no terrorist has ever been stopped by kind words. I wondered immediately – are you sure? Because at the root, everyone just wants to be loved. If they do something awful I agree they must be stopped, but I send them love just as I send you love. Love is the answer.

Well, I can only tell you about my experiences and like I said above, I cannot give you this wisdom, just the information. What you do with it is up to you.

I love you. Each and every one of you. Namaste, and #missingerin