Dec 24

Very Few Words

I have not posted in a few weeks, and I still don’t have words flowing to do so. But I am feeling a horrendous nudge (yes, horrendous) to say something since I am ignoring the even bigger nudge to post a few pictures and things that I never got around to doing in 2015. I also have to post on my MissingErin.net site. I purposely avoid it because it hurts too damn much.

So with that said, every day is a challenge and just when I think I have the emotional strength to confront what is going on inside of me I wuss out. I can feel it, hear it, I know what it is, but I just don’t’ want to engage it. For a month or so I wake every day and cry before I get out of bed, then stay in the dumps during the day. I’m off work the last two weeks of this year and can’t even sleep in and enjoy myself. Yesterday before 5 I was awake, having had a dream about Erin, and was upset. Plus I’ve been sick with a head cold since Sunday.

I promise that I will post what I feel I need to before the new year. Maybe even today, who knows. I suppose that I don’t need to promise you all, but I do need to promise me. Aside from my grief I have a whole lot of stuff going on inside of this brain and body, and to fully process it I probably need to write about it.

Anyway, whatever you celebrate at this time of year, I wish you enJOYment and lots of love and kindness. <3

#missingerin and Namaste

Nov 24

Blessings and the Kindness They Bring

I have had many amazing things “happen” “to me” in the last few weeks. I put those in quotes because, well, I don’t believe that anything just happens, and since I believe I am a co-creator of my reality, nothing happens to me but instead with my participation. Yes, subtleties of word meanings are important. How else do we properly convey ideas and feelings with our limited language? **smile**

I have a list of things to share, if I can remember, but perhaps the best blessing happened just yesterday. Yes, these are blessings, and they warm my heart.

I was listening to the middle portion of the Conversations with God Book III on Audible while driving back from Atlanta, GA. Really, more than anything, I was pondering the impact that some of the multidimensional concepts were having on me. I was expanding my understanding of reality, and of myself. As I was deep in thought about this and how much I was enjoying the book, driving through Chattanooga, TN, I looked over and saw this “company name” on a truck beside me…IAM. I have no idea what IAM does, how to pronounce it, blah blah blah. But as you know, creator is often referred to as the great I AM, and in metaphysics we often refer to our “I AM self.” Meaning, our spirit or larger self that is connected to the All That Is and to all things. Well, what more of a message could I get?

And I just realized that there is more to this, but there is no possible way that I can explain it here right now. So I will tell you about Prince I AM another day.

Also around this time, I stopped at some traffic light and checked FaceBook. I get bored quickly, need something to do while driving for sure (well, while stopped anyway). I had been crying, missing Erin and dealing with a lot of feelings that I had over being with my dying uncle. And there was a post on my timeline that said Thinking of You. It was from an old friend, who seems to always feel when I am down. It’s uncanny really, and amazing, and wonderful. And I am blessed by her kindness each time, and it always comes at a moment I need it most.

I was also blessed by being with my Uncle Joel. I hope that the posts, pictures, and links I shared captured the spirit of how much we want to celebrate his life before he is no longer here on this plane of existence with us. I have learned that all that we have with each other is time, and experiences. And he blessed me by allowing me to be with him and celebrate the things he loves with him. It was my pleasure, and my honor. He gave me much love and I hope that I returned it in kind.

I was blessed this past week to see my wonderful and amazing aunts Shirley and Ernie. They fill a place in my heart that my mother never did, and I am grateful for the love they give me. When I am with them, I am able to nurture the child inside of me that never had the childhood, and the mother/child relationship that every human yearns for. My Aunt Shirley also gave me my grandmother’s salt and pepper shakers after I remarked how those old style shakers really give you the right amount of salt and pepper! I had no idea whose they were. It was an unexpected and loving gift. I am blessed.

I was blessed to spend time with my cousin Kimberly, who I have not spent an abundance of time with over my life. I was able to hear stories that I do not remember, about a time when she spent a lot of time with me as a young child. I had no idea. I learned about her journey through life as well. And I am blessed by the time we spent together.

There is much going on in this world that is unkind, and very negative in nature. I, however, feel nothing but love in my heart for the downtrodden, the misguided, the mean and the hateful, and all of the labels that you can think of (insert here). I feel grateful for the love and kindness from the loving and kind, too. I feel like a mother who understand her children, and although she may not agree with them, she loves them anyway. And I am beaming this out to all of you, all the time, and right now. May you be blessed and I love you.

Namaste, and always #missingerin

Nov 17

Honoring Uncle Joel

11870764_10204967714727557_6676571052713645484_nMany of you know my Uncle Joel, either because I post pictures of him when we visit, or because you’ve met him or I’ve told you about him. He loves to have his picture taken and is a great poser for the camera! You can see that from this picture can’t you? **smile**

I really didn’t know how else to title this one, but honoring seemed to be the correct lead in. Uncle Joel is dying. It appears that he has end-stage cancer that has spread in multiple tumors inside his abdominal area to his stomach lining. They found out a week ago, and it is already so bad that there is nothing they can do for him and they have called in Hospice.

Uncle Joel has been mentally disabled his entire life, but he has been loved. My grandmother was told to put him in a home, as many did back then, but she refused and kept him by her side until she passed away. After that, my Aunt Shirley has cared for him and they are very close. But everyone loves Uncle Joel. He is a “good old soul” as I call him and even though his disability manages to beam love and joy at everyone he meets.

It’s hard for me to hear about and see this happen to him. Some of his medical condition symptoms, I now recognize because that’s what I saw with Erin. As you can imagine, it brings up both sorrow and guilt since I didn’t know she was dying. But Uncle Joel is special, and while I could refuse, I plan to come help him on his way out of his current body. I really do not want to do that anymore, but I think I have some sort of destiny with it anyway. I don’t want him to be afraid, but he is going to die. So I’m asking you all to send him lots of LOVE, and HUGS and even some KISSES. But don’t send thoughts and prayers for him to live, because that isn’t his destiny. His spirit already told me it is time for a new body, even though we love the one he has right now just fine.

I will see him soon this week and plan to replace the I Love You voice box in the build-a-bear that Erin gave him. The bear’s name is Catfish and the voice box ran out of steam the night that Erin died. I thought maybe it would give him comfort to hear it say I Love You again. My cousin Kimberly has scheduled him an Elvis impersonator. Uncle Joel has loved Elvis all of his life and still sings Elvis songs and “plays the guitar” along with him. She’s also going to try to get him a ride in a Ferrari. Who knew that he liked those?! Since their move to Alpharetta, GA, he has commented on them every time they pass the dealership.

I hope that Uncle Joel gets to experience a lot of joy and fun in his last days. It wasn’t always practical to take him certain places or do certain things over the course of his life, but if I have learned anything it’s to use the time that you have. Maybe it’s a blessing that Aunts Ernie and Shirley are able to spend time with him during his last days and know what is coming. Yes, it is painful for them but perhaps a blessing, too. I hope so anyway.

I love you Uncle Joel and wish you a painless and light-filled transition! <3

Nov 17

Plenty

It’s amazing how one word can bring you to your knees. Yesterday, I was talking to Puppy (yes, I do that all day each day), and was telling him there was plenty of something. I said it enunciated “Plen-ty” just like an ending sentence to an Elmo nursery rhyme that I had read to Erin countless times. It brought me directly to tears.

Most people cannot understand this. I have said countless times, I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand a lot of things. I could see and feel that someone was distressed, but I did not understand it. Maybe I did not have to understand it? I don’t know, I think that yes, I do need to understand. It’s simply putting myself in someone else’s shoes and sometimes even feeling their pain. How else can we be at one with the All? If we distance ourselves so much that we don’t get it, we are not one.

When I began writing this today, I had no idea that I was going to be writing about the refugees, etc. etc. I had said my peace yesterday, and let’s face it, I can never in a million years force you to feel or think something that you don’t want to. You have to come to every decision, every perspective change, every feeling on your own. When I write, I simply share my experiences with you and I ask you to open your mind to ideas. You don’t have to take them on as your own, but consider them. Yours is not the only point of view but neither is mine. Together, though, we can hopefully be well-rounded.

Simply put, I very much understand sacrificing everything for your loved ones. Maybe 5 years ago I would have quoted laws to you. I would have quoted the right thing(s) to do and the right way(s) to go about it. But once Erin became sick, and was dying, I would have broken every law and sacrificed myself and you too in order to save her. These people who have fled their homes to save their children, they are not being met with kindness but they persist for the same reasons.

I get it. I understand. And by seeing the pictures and footage, and reading their stories, I very much feel their pain. For me it’s personal, because it relates to my own. Perhaps for you it isn’t. Maybe it should be. They could become you at any minute of any day, because we live in an unpredictable world.

And while I don’t believe in Christianity, I do believe in the Christ Consciousness. So I ask you…what would Jesus do? Probably not what we as a people are doing. So then I ask you why? I can only give you opinions. You have to answer those questions for yourself.

I read about the Horn of Plenty yesterday, too. I don’t think it was a coincidence either, not after my “plenty” pronouncing experience. Apparently the horn is given by god, and will give you plenty more of what you are giving in return. So my dear souls, do we give more hate? Or more love? More kindness or more violence?

I continue to learn from these experiences and perspective changes. I have experienced more loss than some in my lifetime, and I have learned more from that then I would have had it not been so. In my world view, there is a reason that I chose to learn this now. To experience it. If I had to guess, it is so that I can truly become at one with the All That Is. That I can know others through knowing myself. And so much more that I don’t care to share right now. 🙂

My right eye is watering like nuts, and my toxic tears (they burn my eyes for about 6 months now) are killing me, so I’ll wrap it up now. I have something important I want to write about tomorrow and have been putting it off all week. Maybe I’ll just do two blog posts today.

Love, blessings, Namaste, and #missingerin

Nov 16

All We Need Is Love (and yes, I’m singing that!)

How should I begin this one? Let’s see…I have undergone many changes lately…Just when I think the world is becoming a more positive place…Can’t everyone see how “they” are trying to divide us?…Ok, none of those capture anything remotely close to what I need to say, but, I can’t come up with anything that does. Oh, Ok, maybe “mean people suck.” Because they do. And that unfortunately not only refers to the alleged terrorism, but to many who I know who are spewing hate in return. You all suck. Big ones. If you don’t like it, unfriend me. I haven’t had the heart to unfriend you yet, because instead of hate I am spewing love. I love you. Yep, I do.

Perhaps I shouldn’t say alleged terrorism, because even if it’s all a psy op orchestrated by the world powers, even if the major players did fund those violent groups to destabilize certain regions, people still get hurt and people still die. So it’s terrorism, even if we are collectively blaming the wrong people. Honestly, we should blame ourselves. We are, collectively, slaves to ignorance and inaction. We blindly follow and in the process we treat others with the utmost of unkindness, yet we expect it in return. I’m not talking specifically about Americans. I’m talking about Humans.

The worst part is, I’m not mad. I am very sad about this. Many changes…I had that Reiki attunement recently and it affected me more deeply than I could have ever imagined. I have always been an empath and feel very deeply, but now, I cannot turn it off. Reading FaceBook this morning, I actually got nauseated. Not mad, and not even disgusted, but just sick. We are headed down a slippery slope. Not once in the history of the world has war and retribution changed a damn thing. It subjugates, decimates, and many other things, but it never solves problems. It never uplifts, it never fosters love and kindness, and so the issues that the war was fought over are then fought over many times over many hundreds of years. Because nothing is resolved. Hate is fostered, and revenge is sought. By the way, religion doesn’t solve anything either. At the heart, this “war” is being fought over religion. Mine is better than yours, and so I hate you and you will die. How sick is that? Very.

For those of you who don’t know, I have a B.A. in History from Auburn University, along with minors in Anthropology and Spanish. My point is not to showcase my degrees (yeah, I’ve got one more). My point is to tell you that I’m well-versed in the myriad of conflicts that have happened over recorded history, and in the real issues that drove them. They are complex in many ways, but they all have at least one thing in common. Leaders, both religious and political, drum up support to crush their opponent by getting the masses all riled up over divisive issues. More often than not, those issues are based on religion or ethnicity. People fear what they do not understand, and people do not understand differing beliefs and differing cultures. It’s pretty simple, and the masses get played like a violin in a game of “Us vs Them.” I could go on and on but I’m not here today to teach a history lesson.

I urge all of you to choose love instead. Choose kindness. Choose unity. It is, after all, a choice. But I promise, it feels so good that once that switch has flipped you will have much peace with your decision to love instead of hate. I can’t even drum up the desire to hate anymore. It doesn’t make me stupid, and it doesn’t mean that I don’t get irritated. But it does mean my reaction is different now than it used to be, and so are my feelings about it.

I’m suffering from a bad cold today so that’s it. Thanks for letting me spread some love though through my blog here. I love you. And you, and you and you and you. All of you. You all have a light inside, some brighter than others but it’s there. Love will make it grow. All you need is love. And so on and so forth.

And (((Hugs))) to my wonderful friend Dede A who lost her brother over the weekend. I love you and I’m sending love to his soul too.

Namaste, blessings, and #missingerin

 

Nov 03

Missing Erin, Lots

Hmmmm…that was supposed to be me clearing my throat but still, words do not come out. I have wanted to write for over a week, but honestly, Halloween choked me up so that I could not speak much less write. I’m still reeling from the whole idea of it. It is amazing to me as an observer, and crippling as the one experiencing it.

Lately, I think a lot about people who are for all intents and purposes no longer in my life. They are there. I love them, our friendship lives on, but I don’t see them. Erin’s friends, their parents, our neighbors. I mourn them too, because I miss what we had. I cannot embrace what we have, because it doesn’t include Erin. One could say, move forward out of this self-imposed limbo, but I don’t know where to go.

I watch the Forensic Files every night when I go to bed, and the other night this man described missing his sister as someone heating up a pitch fork, then shoving it into your heart. I agree. He didn’t elaborate, but mine stays there, searing away all the time. It never lets up. I get distracted sometimes, and when I come back to me, sure enough it’s still there. I wonder why we must suffer the death of our children in this realm. It seems cruel, and unusual.

I’m not sure I have had an entirely grief related post in awhile, but that is all that I can think of this past week. I don’t bother people with it, so I bother them here (so to speak). When most people ask me how I am, I say fine. I’m not fine. My life sucks. The brightest, happiest moments are now forever shaded with the blackness of grief. I know that when we cross over and leave our human bodies behind, we no longer feel the same type of emotion that we feel in these darn things. I know that. I know she is fine. I know that she doesn’t want me to be so sad, because she is fine. I’m not fine though. Shaun’s not fine. We put on a happy face each day for the world because we know how uncomfortable our grief makes everyone else. It’s for you…it’s not how we really feel. If you wondered, now you know.

I have done a lot of soul searching over the last few months, again, and have come to greater understandings. None of them make me feel any better. Yes I believe in many things, but none of them provide comfort until the day I am standing beside Erin again. If that day is tomorrow or ten years from now, then that day I will be fine again. And not knowing when that day is, I mourn, not just daily but every minute. I miss her, and I just can’t help that.

We got a lovely, anonymous, note today with a small gift from a neighbor. I did not recognize the handwriting, so I don’t know which one. If you are reading this, we have received a few anonymous things, clearly in honor of Erin, and you have no idea how much it touches us. Thank you. Just knowing that people have not forgotten, us or her, makes us feel good even if for a second or two.

I’m so down today that I can’t write more. Maybe putting this on paper will help. Namaste, blessings, and #missingerin

Oct 20

Recap of Past Week and PSA

Where to start? I will just do my normal and blah blah blah everything at once! Hope you all can follow!

First, I want to say that not a day goes by that I don’t cry, feel sadness, miss Erin, feel sorry for myself, or feel sadness or sorry for the myriad of you who have also lost your children. It sucks and while I have some moments, and even days, that are better than others, I want and maybe need for you all to understand that this never ends. I want you to know this not just for me, but for anyone you have come into contact with that has had a child die – any age child. You see us smiling, interacting, or whatever but behind that is a pain that is unlike any other. Just know that and keep it in mind as you interact with us. If we look away when you speak of your child, or simply smile and ask polite questions, have to excuse ourselves, or don’t attend family related functions, it’s because it’s too painful. Don’t ask us to get past that. If we do, it will be because we are ready and not you. And we don’t mean to hurt feelings.

Well I didn’t know that I was going to write that today, but it is timely with the holidays and all coming up. Those are the worst. If I had other children, I would get through it. But I do not, and so I quit doing it. I tried to explain to my Aunt the other day why I would never attend a family holiday again and I’m not sure she understood. Well, you know it’s not really something anyone who hasn’t been here can understand so I hope we met each other half way. I still love my family, and Shaun’s, but I have to keep a distance for my sanity sometimes.

Everyone is different though. Just please, support them how they want to be supported and not how it makes YOU feel better. This isn’t about you and never will be. Our entire lives changed forever in a way that is horrible. We will never be the same but in order to continue living, we have to find our way differently now.

I also feel a tremendous amount of guilt at times because I just cannot hardly hear about other sick children. It immediately brings up vivid 3D movie memories of my experience, and my loss, and well I hope your child lives and prospers but I just can’t support you any better than my sentiment. I wish I could. I haven’t forgotten those who supported me and continue to do so. It just hurts too bad.

I guess what I am saying is that you never know what someone is going through, and sometimes what they have experienced because some don’t tell you. Don’t judge and give yourself and them a break. Trust me, those of us who have lost children have enough guilt, judgment and regret pointed back at ourselves to make up for lack of yours 🙂

So last week I was going to write but never got around to it. I was pooped energetically, and when that happens, there isn’t much flow. I had two structural integration sessions last week, which released so much muscle tension that I was already just plain pooped. By the way, that link is to my therapist Susan Jeffreys who is totally awesome and I highly recommend her. But I digress…on Tuesday I finally got attuned to Reiki. I really don’t know why I didn’t do it years ago. I supposedly did with an old massage therapist of mine, but this felt different and I knew I needed to do it. What I feel that it did was to energize things I already possessed within my mind/body/spirit. And I think the Reiki master who attuned me, Deborah Reasbeck, contributed something I needed as well. You know when you go to healers, etc. you always get what you need even if it’s not what you think you need. Well that said, Deb is outstanding and I also highly recommend her. She works remotely as well as in person.

After the Reiki attunement, I was pooped and gained 5 lbs! Sometimes your body holds weight when it expands with more light. It needs the extra mass and fluid to integrate the energy. Remember our bodies are electric and respond to EM energies the best they can. Thankfully on Friday, Susan Jeffreys’ worked on me and helped me release (i.e., pee out LOL) the 5 lbs of fluid. It was gone by Saturday evening.

I’ve also, very quickly since all of this energy flow I might add, seen patterns and blockages that I have and understood how to release them. For instance, I realized that I had not done my Reiki homework or some other things on my to do list because I feared failure. What if it doesn’t work? I stopped taking client sessions a long time ago due to the same reason. I developed the fear and the business trickled off. Oddly I am not afraid anymore, but the pattern was still there. So I just did it, and it flowed effortlessly in a way that was almost tangible to me even though it was energy work. Very cool I might add! I feel like I can manifest anything right here right now. That is exciting!

Oh, and we traded in our old systems, including Erin’s Wii, for new PS4s and bought Destiny. That made me cry. The Wii has been boxed up for almost a year now but it was very hard for me to part with. I intended that we get a fair deal and we got an awesome deal for the trade-ins, and Destiny is fun if you haven’t played yet. Well, except that weird guy who followed me around for awhile bugging me. It’s a multi-player server so you aren’t alone, but unlike most people who leave you alone he didn’t. I guess he got his karma though – he crashed his space cruiser thing and died and I was rid of him LOL.

That’s all for now. The flow is gone. Namaste, and #missingerin

Oct 02

Give a Little Bit

12138448_899158723453551_3499808001735416692_oI caught myself smiling a few minutes ago and this guy is who I was smiling at. His name is Mr. Bean and he was rescued by the Southern California Bulldog Rescue. When they described how much better he is doing than before, it made me smile. I wonder every day why more kindness isn’t shown to all creatures great and small. That’s a statement, because I know I will never find an answer other than people are assholes. Even those who recognize that all things were created by their god treat other living things horrendously. Nope, I do not know why. But I am glad Mr. Bean is thriving. He’s a cutie and lucky to have been rescued.

I am still working on “core” issues. I call them core because they are lifelong patterns, some of which I have also came across during past life regressions. I am both dismayed at the fact that they are still present, that they are here now, and that I have allowed them to F up my life again and again. But, I do see the value in learning what I’m learning. If I didn’t see the value and patterns in things, I’d probably be a raging lunatic right about now. Not raving – raging! Seriously dude. Can I please get it right this time?

I learned something yesterday, which oddly enough relates to Mr. Bean over there. As much as I believe in saving yourself, and that you can’t save others, I’m weary and secretly want saving. I say secretly – I didn’t admit it even to myself but I managed to come across it yesterday and had a “well shit” moment with it. I’m so tired, so weary, so this and so that. Can’t someone just fix it for me? Why didn’t they to start with? Well because it’s mine to fix, mine to do, mine to learn. But I don’t have to like it, ya know?

Oh, but back to the core. So it occurred to me that DUH, my core (back / core muscles etc.) is killing me and that is where I have had pain for ever and ever. And it has settled on the left side. Well, there are those core issues, and the heart is on the left side of the body. Hmmm…do you think my body and spirit are trying to tell me something? And here I am saying “Hey, just save me and fix it for me.” Maybe that is why I’ve had the pain for so long?

I have caught myself late at night, in bed so I am quiet and simply thinking or just moving my mouth with no sound, saying “Please help me.” I’m talking to anyone who is of the light and will listen. Please deliver me from this. THIS. All of it. And then I pull up my big girl pants and keep going because I can.

There is a difference in taking responsibility for yourself when you are able to do so and letting someone help you when you are not able. You aren’t being saved, but you do save yourself by accepting the help. Some people, and other living beings like Mr. Bean, can’t help themselves at times. And it is in these instances that we are bound by a responsibility to help them until they can. I do mean bound, and I don’t care if you disagree. If you have any moral code at all you know that you should be helping others. Yep, I just shoulded all over you. Deal with it. And be kind, for heaven’s sake be kind. Help the weary, the downtrodden, the children and the elderly, the infirm, all who need it. And then when and if they can ever help themselves again, you let them do it themselves.

I would like to think that everyone reading this is already kind and compassionate. Yeah, I will go with that. I know many of you are for certain, because you have shown the kindness to me. Thank you, not just for being kind to me but for being kind period. I appreciate that about all of you, and I’m proud to call you friends.

I guess that’s it for today because the train of thought is now gone. Namaste, blessings, and #missingerin

Sep 29

Digging Deeper

Whew, last week was some week. Energetically I mean. If you are in any way sensitive, “hard” energy weeks are much worse than physically demanding ones. They wear you out, wear you down, and in some cases wear you thin. If you do the work that it asks of you, though, you will find a reward of greater insight and greater peace on the other side.

I feel, though, that I should remind you all that while I do gain insight and some degree of peace, please don’t think I’m feeling great. I say that not for myself but for others. I find that people want grievers to feel better so that they feel better. Our pain is hard for others to take. But it isn’t like that, and we continue to carry the load even if we carry it on a different part of our shoulders and backs.

So that said, I did get a nugget out of my shame-filled week last week, and I found it on Saturday. I think part of my biggest problem with the whole thing was that I wondered why now, why did I create this, and why did I create this NOW after I have done so much f’ing work?! I got my answer from a wonderful site that I found called Sabian Symbols. Here is an excerpt from this page that sums it up:

Mercury here speaks of the gifts that can be brought to the surface through a period of exploration into the depths. Right before the lunar eclipse, we have this opportunity to dig down to the pits in order to bring up previously hidden resources – to find the diamond that has come into being from the sometimes incredible pressure that has been brought to bear in your life.

What insights are you gleaning? Are you feeling some remorse, shame or guilt from the past? Are you feeling the need to ‘wash your face’ – to remove the grime or the darkness that might be hanging around from memories of the past? What is it that is dead and you’re still ‘mining away’, digging and digging and wondering what happens if you dig right through the earth and end up in China?

Well, yes I did. I admit that while the initial feeling was brought on by something else, when I explored it, it went very deep into my past. Like the roots of a tree, it touched a lot of things – events, people, me – and I was somewhat forced to ride that out until I got to the root of it (no pun intended).

As many years as I have been doing emotional clearing work, it never ceases to amaze me when something I thought I had cleared comes back up. But, it’s always a new layer, or flavor, of whatever it is. That is confirmation that I did in fact do the work the first time, and that now I am ready for the next phase of it. That can be burdensome when you desperately want to be done, or think you are done, with all karmic stuff and past stuff. For those of us who are willing to face the darkness within and to figure it out and make peace with it, though, know that it is well worth it. For any of you who have complimented me on my strength or anything else in this past year, know that while I do have a strong soul, much of what you see is the product of many years of deep evaluation and emotional clearing. So, in case you wondered or are interested…

I also had to be “clean” before the 28th. I think I mentioned that, but I’ll mention it again. I hate to get all esoteric on you (LOL) since I know all of you aren’t into that, but since 12/21/2012 we have been in a void of sorts, sort of a holding pattern that allowed humanity and the earth to integrate all that we have gone through over the past several thousand years, collectively speaking. Now you see the result of what the collective YOU did in that void period bubbling to the surface. Think of it as separating the wheat from the chaff.

I have believed since Erin’s death that she, her soul, did not want to experience this period for some reason. I don’t claim to know the reason, but I knew that intuitively. Many other souls do not as well, and you see them leaving in various ways. It’s much easier to let them go than it was Erin, but that’s my unique perspective. If you had to let someone you love go, I am so sorry for you and you have my love and hugs. It won’t help you feel better, but I just want to let you know.

So with that, I will try to remember today that there is a reason for everything and that in the end, or one day, I will finally understand. And I wish the same for you. If you are going through a hardship, ask for understanding and you will get at least some. Open yourself to that understanding even if it means experiencing more pain, and try to grow from it. We are all in this together and I love and support you!

By the way, this whole galactic wave everyone has spoken of, it’s about LOVE. I capitalized that because it’s a big thing. LOVE. I add my love to the big wave of LOVE and send it your way today. Namaste, and #missingerin <3

 

Sep 26

Under the Exterior: Finding a Balance and Shouldering the Burden

I wasn’t exactly expecting to write today, but it seems that spirit just wanted to get it all out after reading a friend’s FaceBook post. This particular friend’s son died just about 6 months before Erin died, and it’s interesting how she posted exactly what I was feeling last night. Anyway, …

The basis of the sentiment is that it takes a LOT to keep it together all day, every day. And that since she wasn’t raised to be a quitter, she keeps going. Well, I’m just going to quote her but leave her nameless since I didn’t ask to share her thoughts first.

It’s not easy to maintain this level of control 24/7. Remember that underneath this Wonder Woman exterior is someone who has had a piece of her ripped away. I hurt EVERY day. I know that many others do as well.

All that I can add is that is the damn truth! This week, for whatever reason, has found me hurting at every turn. I began Monday bawling my eyes out as I followed a mother and her young son out of the grocery store. Everywhere I go, there is something, or someone, to remind me of who I am missing. And it’s not just missing because she’s away at college. It’s been over a year since I have seen her, touched her, kissed her, and yes, I am feeling a lot of shame. A lifetime of shame in fact.

I also find it interesting how blacking out, but still functioning as a walking/talking person, for 3-4 hours on last Saturday caused me to feel such a large degree of shame (not the first time in my life that has happened). And then how that shame dug up all of the rest, shame I didn’t even know I had as well as some I thought I had cleared and released. I guess, it was timely and perfect in the eyes of the universe. But man, it sucked. It sucks. I’m not out of the Woods of Shame and Regret yet. Is that a place in Mordor maybe? Feels like it.

I guess what I am saying is that I get it, I see the method behind the madness from a cosmic point of view. But LIVING it is nearly more than I, or anyone else for that matter, can take. I said to Shaun just last night that I hope one day I’m able to say “Oh, I see what that was all about” because if I cannot, then living this shit if just cruel and torturous. There is absolutely no thought that I have, nowhere that I go or don’t go, blah blah blah that I do not think of Erin. Either it sucks because we used to do that, or it sucks because we will never do that. You have no idea.

Actually, one of my first thoughts after she died was that I would have to live out the rest of my days without her. I knew what torture it would be, and I was powerless to do anything about it. So assuming there IS meaning in all of this shit we call life, here is the value that I know comes from my own shitty situation. (Yeah, I’m Ms Cheerful today.)

First, I have had control issues my entire life. As a child I had no control over my environment. Yeah, no kid does, but you hope that you at least have a safe and secure home environment. I did not, so when I got old enough to control my environment (i.e., had my own place) I sort of was manic about it. I got better as I worked on my issue, but it never really went away. That went for personal relationships too. During the time that Erin was sick I tried so hard to maintain control over the whole thing, and as you know, there was no controlling it. Her last few days I finally gave it back to the Creator and the Universe (which I believe are one, really). I got it, too late. I don’t think it would have changed the outcome if I had gotten it sooner, but maybe.

I’ve also got an issue with balance. I go from one extreme to the other. I DO recognize the issue, but you know, it’s hard to get a hold of yourself sometimes. It takes work anyway. I know I need to find a happy medium, in all things. Moderation in other words.

The irony of this is, that I see over the entire course of my life how this has also played out. I was born into a very stable home with two healthy parents. My father was an electrical engineer with a great job supporting the space program, and other than normal family stuff there was nothing but family stuff going on. He died when I was four years old and I guess that started the lifelong load of shit that has culminated in this. Extremes – I guess my soul wanted to play with that this time.

And I’ve always made lemonade out of lemons…I still know how to make the lemonade, but there just doesn’t seem to be a point. Please don’t say “I know she would want you to be happy.” I’m sure she would. Who wouldn’t? How can I? That f’ing ship sailed.

So now I learn to deal with the burden of the sadness, just like my friend mentioned above. And I wasn’t dealing so well and it got out of hand last weekend. I won’t be drinking any alcohol for a while at least, and I have a lot of soul searching to do to figure out how to get back to where I got off the path. I’m almost done with the shame. I still have to take responsibility for my screw up and get back to right-action.

I do recognize that I am substituting one thing for another. I fill my time with bullshit that, well, fills my time. FarmVille, television, etc. etc. I sometimes have thoughts like “I wish there had been another kid so that I would still have one to love.” Then I thought how damn selfish that would be, because that kid would be as miserable and missing Erin as I am. And no I do not want another child. I want MY child. Period. End of discussion.

So until I see her again, and I still believe that I will, I will bear this burden somehow. I hope I bear it better than I have been the past month. I may have a bad “report card” this time, but I did figure out how to better “pass my classes” I think.

Either way, Namaste, and #missingerin <3