Sep 24

Atonement

Well, I still wallow in my latest soul lesson. I can see the big picture, how I am preparing myself, in this human Earth vessel, for greater understanding, a greater expansion of right-action, and less judgment. But the lessons that make a real impact are the hardest. I can’t tell you why this time it has hit me so hard, and not even the personal part that I am not sharing, just the whole thing. The best I can come up with is that this time, I had to truly get it. It had to stick. I may not be able to control everything (or anything) but I can be responsible for my Self, for my actions, and for my reactions. Somewhere in the last month or so I lost track of that and now the Piper must be paid in blood.

Dramatic metaphors I know, but I pick my metaphor based on the deepness of the emotion.

I’ve mentioned over and over that I am a student for many years of Emotional Clearing, and that I learned the Keys of Compassion method. So I went back to my original mentor’s website yesterday and pored over some old material to try to understand what I was feeling, why, and to figure out how to release it. I thought I’d share what I have learned thus far.

I want to share my chronological day with you though, because it makes the whole journey quite interesting. I woke up and the first words on my lips – out loud – were “I have to Atone.” Then I had the thought, I need to fast (that didn’t last, but I wasn’t so hungry yesterday). More on this in a bit.

I have been tying up a lot of loose ends in my Understanding lately. I use capital letters when I mean something big, more official and overarching than a normal word. So my Understanding is being increased yet again. I am shifting to another “level” to use our limited language. For instance, if I show you a pea, you will then understand what you are looking at when I show you a pod of peas. Without understanding the pea, you will not understand a pod of them even though you see them. Then I can show you the plant the pod grew on, and you will understand then a lot about peas. This is universal – we build on information, which becomes knowledge, which then becomes wisdom at some point if we continue.

So onward…one of the things I am understanding now is the Christ Consciousness. The idea of this was condensed into a religion, which really took the heart out of it all. I admit, I mostly reject religion. I think it’s a terrible thing, written by man and teaching people to rigidly follow a lot of metaphoric and misrepresented information. Some love the experience of religion, and at the same time can see the wheat among the chaff. Some cannot. I can’t abide any of it.

But I now understand the Christ Consciousness as a vibration and a “level” of Understanding and mastery in a way I never did before, and that is important for my journey and for yours. Hundredth money stuff, ya know?

I also came to the realization about judgment. Any ensouled being will judge themselves much more harshly than anything else in creation. And we have such a hard time forgiving, or releasing, ourselves. Part of the Formula is “Can I release myself from blame?” Well, I don’t know if I can. There is a fine line between taking responsibility and releasing yourself from blame.

Which led me to my root cause, and that is all of the blame I have carried since Erin’s death. I was fairly clean before that and had worked damn hard to get there. But so much I had not taken responsibility for, personally, and that led to a lot of regret. How can I not regret things? I certainly do. I own that. And shit, stuffing that regret instead of putting it out with the trash has now led to more regret and self-blame. Hey, at least I see it.

Somewhere in the midst of all of this I realized that it was Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. I had to laugh! Wow. Ok well what a great time of year I picked for this one. They also fast on Yom Kippur by the way, which is why my intuition told me to fast, and I did until after 10 am.

Well either way, I am working on the atonement, although I don’t’ know specifically how. There’s an upcoming stargate in a few days and I know that I need to be “clean” going through it, and I plan to be. By the way, us spiritual people look at atonement a bit differently. We see At ONE ment. We are all one, and we unite our individual “selves” as one as well.

Ok, I’m getting down into the weeds here…I can feel it. So, Namaste, blessings, and #missingerin

 

 

Sep 22

#Fail AKA Shame Sucks

You would think that I would learn, but in truth I have been so busy running from distraction to distraction that I have bypassed the clearance of a major life lesson over the last several months. But let me start at the beginning. Long ago (well, around 1998) I started down a path of Emotional Clearing. I had a screwed up life to begin with, and had much anger, shame, and guilt from my early childhood onward that I knew I needed to release. I had emotional patterns that I needed to shake in order to live a healthy emotional life. And a healthy physical life too, because our emotions affect the body’s health. On that note, look up Louise Hay’s Heal Your Body if you don’t believe me.

So I found a wonderful program based on the Keys of Compassion, and I jumped in with both feet. It brought up a lot of old stuff, which I didn’t always deal with the right way, but after around 3 years of hitting this hard core I was a much better person in many ways. I still used the Formula, but not in it’s complete form, since my psyche would just run through it to figure out the nature of situations, and then I would release my emotions towards it. It also affected how I reacted to situations. A huge improvement in most cases.

And just last week, I said to myself as I thought of any type of judgment “I am complete. I have learned, and when I come to my life’s review I can say with honesty that I got it, and I learned from it.” I felt complete too. I even had a “graduation” of sorts with my Team/guides. I went into meditation only to find a cheering room full of them, telling me I had done so well. There was more to it but I was shocked and happy. This past year hasn’t just been me missing Erin. Nope, it’s also been me letting a lot of stuff go and clearing on a deeper level than I ever have. I have figured out numerous things, resolved many of them, and pushed myself to go forward when all I wanted to do was die. If anything the challenges have gotten harder, not easier. But you know, I didn’t much care because nothing else was going to hurt me. I had the biggest hurt of all already.

Over the weekend I had a party for football Saturday, and to put it honestly, I got entirely too drunk. And I got a pissy mouth at some point, which I’m not surprised, but it’s part of the story so there it is. Now let me stop here and tell you that I have noticed that once a week when I have drank alcohol, I have took some pleasure in knowing that I would go to sleep with no anxiety, with no dreams, and be so tired the next day that I would not miss Erin so much. But yep, I plowed through that and ignored it like a light rain on a hot day. Didn’t stop to think I was running. And somewhere along the way I think I decided more was better. Longer sleep, longer tiredness, longer period of I don’t give a f*ck.

I woke up on Sunday and thought, wow I am done with this for awhile. A long while. Whatever I needed to do, I apparently did it. So I got that part. I didn’t yet know there was more but there was and it was incremental. On Monday, I had to go get some coffee after I did payroll and was behind a mother and her 4-5 year old son in the grocery. By the time I was looking at them cross the parking lot, I was boo-hooing so hard that I was slightly embarrassed walking to my car. Ok, I got that too – it’s still there, even if I ignored it for a few days.

This morning, I had some body work done for my jacked up muscles and back. It released a lot…if you are sensitive you can feel the shit leaving after the physical body releases. Little did I know that I would come home and find myself feeling deep and utter shame about my drunkenness and a hand full of other smaller things that I have regret over. What? Really? Wow. Yes, it’s true.

This isn’t so cut and dry folks. I should note that as I started writing this, I got a sharp pain from back to front just where my heart chakra is in my body, which is dead center through the middle of the breast bone. This is all related to a bigger picture, and I write these things to help myself and hopefully to explain to someone else out there who may be experiencing similar, just what is going on. So bear with me.

On the way home I listened to a YouTube video about some stuff that isn’t really relevant except for when they talked about the concept of Sin, and how it’s really about the heart chakra. Well I relate Sin to Shame and I immediately understood the connection. The judgment does not come from OUTSIDE of ourselves. It comes from WITHIN. I have written before about making a joyful noise, and the different effect that the vibration / harmonic of joy has on the heart chakra. Shame has the opposite or close. And what was my thing last week all about? It was whether I still judged myself. I thought I was “clean” in a manner of speaking, done, but I was not and so I get this wonderful lesson to follow.

I realize that I self-sabotage because I do not feel worthy of being “clean.” I have so much regret over things I wish I had done, done differently, not done, that even though I found the value in the experience I cannot let myself off the hook. Some of you who know me very well may have spoken to me about my mother and how I would not let her off the hook. I wonder now, even if she had taken responsibility for her actions, if I could have let her off the hook? I wonder…and I’m not sure I’m capable of that yet if I can’t let myself off.

I think, maybe I am repeating things that I know will cause me to feel shame so that A) my psyche validates the need to continue to feel it and B) I can continue to distance myself from other things I have not let go of yet. When I feel shame, it’s always about something where I did not take responsibility for my actions and reactions, and thus act or react differently. Yep, there is a pattern.

I am also ashamed of the fact that no matter how much I understand the grand scheme of things, I cannot accept that, in my world view, my Soul and Erin’s soul agreed to experience her death in this life. I see the value. I am a completely different person today than I was last year. I have learned so much. I had ten years of happiness. But I do not accept that and it was not enough. The cost was too high. Even if the act of her death saved the planet, the cost was too high for me. And I carry the shame and regret of every unkind word or deed. Every time I said “just a minute” or “go play by yourself.” Every raised voice, I hear it in a chorus, over and over. You get the picture. I feel deep shame and deep regret, and I cannot or at least have not forgiven myself. Perhaps every other word and deed is just adding insult to injury, a mere distraction even if it’s a destructive one.

I understand, on a deep level that I’m sure I didn’t communicate, what I have learned here. But I have not released it, and I can feel it in my aching back right now. (Remember the physical body tells you what you aren’t “getting”.) I honestly don’t know if I can release it. And if I had to judge myself, to assess before going to the next world wherever it may be, I could not in good conscience pass myself on this test. My self-assessment says FAIL: Incarnate as Human Again.

Well, I don’t have a conclusion today. Just a long, train of thought blog post. I’ll keep trying though, and I will keep #missingerin. Namaste and blessings. <3

Sep 07

A Labor Day Message

No idea what today’s title will be as I begin this post. Today is Labor Day. What a loaded term that is, and I will get to that in a minute. I have been pondering the lack of kindness and empathy in the world for several days now, and I honestly don’t understand it. I specifically don’t understand the lack of empathy in my own country, the US, and it bothers me tremendously.

We see ourselves as world leaders, as the poster child for democracy, a melting pot, capitalism, etc. etc. and we say how proud we are of that. Yet, have we not forgotten our roots? We have become exclusive, divisive, and while the socio economic classes are more divided now than ever, the lower classes still defend the upper classes with their dream to become one of them some day. The American Dream right? Wrong. One in a million makes it. Maybe we elevate our station a bit, but let’s face it guys – unless you are born into it, most of us don’t make it to the millionaire’s club. We don’t achieve economic stability and freedom within our own family. And this brings me to what I really wanted to talk about.

Fear is what breeds hate, exclusiveness, unkindness, and often times general bad character. We have been told and taught to fear what is different, what is other, what is not us. We have been taught to fear that someone will take “what is ours.” Joe wants your job, your home, your wife, your car, blah blah blah. Don’t let Joe take that from you. Oh, the irony! I am telling you, it’s there.

Look around at who is really taking from you. It’s not Joe, and it’s not Jose either. Did you really want that chicken factory job that Jose was willing to take? Or the lawn care job? I bet you didn’t. I know I didn’t. Even as a last ditch resort, I’d sit on my unemployment awhile before taking those jobs. Most American’s don’t even want that job at McDonalds, because it doesn’t pay them enough to take care of their family, and let’s face it we aren’t into Service as a culture. We want to be served, but not to serve others. We view it as demeaning, as a culture. And so we have cultivated a culture of entitlement that is only out for “me, me, me.”  And we argue with each other about politicians and about immigrants and all of these things that when you look deeper, you find out it’s all lies anyway. Divide and conquer. That’s an age old strategy and it works.

And don’t get me started on immigration. I recently heard someone spouting off about laws. Ok, so we have laws, and that means you will let some poor kid drown who was fleeing a war that we have in part created and participated in? Yes, we have. Look at world politics, intelligence, etc. We and other countries have indirectly created these situations and our people aren’t willing to take a needy family into their countries or homes? We let humans – HUMANS – die because they didn’t follow the process. If you are so numb and have your head suck up your ass so far that you can’t see that we are all in this together, then I feel sorry for you. I hear self-proclaimed religious people all the time saying such unkind things, that I wonder how they would feel to be in the presence of Jesus saying and doing those unkind things? I hope they would feel an assload of shame. But hey, it’s your karma.

So I’m a little upset about the unkindness in this world and I admit it. It’s easy to go about your lives with a Me, Me, Me mentality. Maybe I didn’t fully appreciate how much kindness, love, and compassion for my fellow beings – all life – meant until I lost so much. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. And it’s not OK for anyone to sit around and let other people be unkind either. You have a voice, so use it. Until every living thing on this planet is treated with love, dignity, and respect, and until everyone is taken care of and safe, I will use my voice. And if I see you being mistreated, I will come to your aid if you can’t help yourself. It’s the right thing to do.

Happy Labor Day. Let’s change the world and not be slaves anymore to this beast that we call finances, politics, and whatever else. Let’s change the world with our love and kindness and with our voice. Let this be a Love Revolution. You will be amazed at the results!

I want to leave you with the inscription on the Statue of Liberty. It is a beacon for the world, and especially for Americans. You – yes YOU – should read, remember, and take this to heart.

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses, yearning to breath free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless, tempest tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.

Author: Emma Lazarus

 

 

I wonder how many of us, today, will lift our lamps? That’s our heart light. Love, peace, and blessings to you all. #missingerin and Namaste

Aug 31

Upcoming Eclipse

Last week on Thursday, I cleaned out a drawer. That drawer contained two boxes of straws, as well as various plastic straws, and I cried as I did it. I also cleaned Erin’s kid silverware out of our silverware drawer. I had not actually touched it since we arrived home last year.

I spent a lot of last week grieving, again. I mentioned already that I feel as if I have been stripped down to the core of whoever I am, standing naked before the All That Is. With nothing, where do I go now? What do I do? I am inside of a void and though doors have closed, none have opened yet either.

I should also note that I have been grieving, or saying goodbye, to many things. I am grieving my chiropractor who was also a friend, Dr. Darla Fitzwater, who along with her husband retired on July 23. I am grieving the passing of Dr. Wayne Dyer over the weekend, even though I know he is on to his next adventure (RIP Dr. Wayne!). I’m grieving my old life, even though it was immensely dysfunctional.

I feel like that which I just mentioned was sealed with the super moon that occurred last Saturday. And with 3 days of void on either side, now I have the next 13 days until the eclipse to find the next doorway. I did some reading about eclipses in general, and about the eclipse on 9/13, and it seems that it is heavily focused on karmic debts being paid and on Chiron, the Wounded Healer. You can read about it here with some nifty charts. But let me explain the significance to me and other spiritually minded people.

Karmic debt is, supposedly, now being reset in a sense. I hate to say wiped clean, but perhaps that is a good way to describe it. I have heard that before but it never resonated until now, and so since it does, I’m going with it. I have also heard a lot of people talking about resets lately, and so that resonates a lot. When something resets, the former state is nullified and a new, neutral state begins. What you and I do with that neutral state is entirely up to us. Just think…if you were suddenly absolved of crimes, or debts, and were free and clear, what would you do with your life? Would you be the best you can be or go back to racking those up? It’s your choice, and if you are reset and no longer bound by those burdens and chains, why not go with your heart flow?

Which leads me back to Chiron, the Wounded Healer. Some astrologers believe that Chiron is another flavor of Jesus, which is the Christ Consciousness. The person we know as Jesus is just one of many who embody this consciousness we know as pure love. And that love is despite the trials and tribulations, and great pain, that the healer has to endure. Sort of sounds like some of us who have endured the great burden of karmic debt doesn’t it? Those of us who still have managed to have love in our hearts anyway. The Christ always reacts with love, and acts with love. And my friends, since the only thing that you and I can control is our actions and reactions, think of the implications! We too can embody the Christ Consciousness when we choose love and compassion over fear and hatred. It’s our choice. Karmic reset and Love, Love, Love. Sounds like a fantastic energetic event is upon us!

Energy is, by the way, the point of all of this. When I say energy, I mean all forms of energy including emotions. I started out this post by telling you what I mentioned last week, which is that I had been stripped to the core. I am not a hollow shell, instead I am a bare bones core of whatever the heck I am. And honestly it is very uncomfortable and I feel very vulnerable. I struggle to explain myself when trying to give answers, and I am not sure how I feel or think about much of anything. Those old connections are gone, in a literal energetic sense (think metaphysically), and I’m just sort of standing here covering my private parts! LOL Well that’s how it feels anyway.

I have to mention to you all that 9/13 is a 4, which is a heart number. No I didn’t add the year, because that’s not what spoke to me. If any of you are numerology experts and I am in error please comment because I would like to know. But again, this is MY feeling on it. So anyway, it occurs to me for my own reset, that my “troubles” began in earnest when I was 4 years old. My father died when I was 4, and life changed drastically, even more so than when he got sick when I was 2 (He died of ALS). After that my existence got shittier and shittier by the year, and I am not exaggerating. Not necessarily every day life, but sometimes. I have had big, shitty events happen to me on a regular basis. A lot of loss for sure, and much adversity. While the events culminated on the day Erin died, the passing of my mother in December left me basically alone and “bare” in the sense of any sort of immediate family. I don’t count Shaun into that because we are not blood related, and my Aunts and Cousins are not immediate family (in case you are wondering). I have been alone, though, mostly all of my life, even when my mother was still my legal guardian. So these were symbolic of that state, finally wrapping up in the physical reality, and forcing me into the biggest life lesson that I perceive I will face in this life. Desiring to help others, even when my Self was struggling, I am the Wounded Healer. The love in my heart, my Christ consciousness, rising daily. Karmic debts paid in full, the baggage and crap stripped clean to my bones.

Now how many of you can say that this feels like yourself when you insert your story in place of mine? I imagine a lot of you, because I am thinking of people I know and there surely has to be others. We are coming full circle my friends, and these signs in the stars are the guideposts saying “Hey! Hang on! We’re almost there!”

I wrote a blog some time ago that talked about the idea of making a joyful noise, and in it I postulated that the phrase wasn’t about singing, but about holding the joy in your heart chakra. Noise, sound, is the same as a harmonic. It’s a vibration, a frequency. The frequency of joy and of love can be measured! At the top of this page is a picture of the emotion of joy, as measured by a water crystal. I urge you to Google Masuro Emoto and his work, and look at the different pictures taken of the various emotions projected into the water, as well as crystal pictures taken after listening to different types of music and various sounds. There is indeed a joyful noise, and a noise of love, compassion, etc.

Get excited about the reset, and let your hearts get all amped up on love and the Christ Consciousness and beam it out to the whole world! I’m still working on the Joy part, but I am beaming copious amounts of love to you all in between bouts of #missingerin.

Blessings, Namaste, and Mitakuye Oyasin!

 

Aug 25

Back to Square One

Just when I felt as if I was finding my way, the universe had other plans. Over the course of the last few days I have not only started grieving Erin more so than I had been, but I also feel like once again I am being stripped to the core of my being. That is not a fun feeling when you are at the point that there is nearly nothing left.

Imagine if you can, a large Lego tower or something, just for a visual. And in 3D CGI fashion, every block suddenly expands outward from the core of the tower and you can see each one. The core is left exposed, and confused. Did it lose a lot of unnecessary blocks (baggage)? Maybe. Is the core prettier than the outside? Maybe. Can it now decide which blocks to replace and which to discard? Sure, in most cases. But either way it has very traumatically had everything it knows ripped from it, it feels exposed, and it may not even recognize itself.

The bottom line is I’m empty. I have nothing else to give, to myself or anyone else. I would like to go to the gym but will miss it again today, because I just don’t want to go. I should rephrase – need to go to keep the momentum up, have no interest in going. I also decided it’s time to sell this house. I’m done here. There is nothing left for me and I’m willing to go through the pain of packing up Erin’s things and giving some away. In all honesty, my only sentiment is just fuck it.

My entire life I have had a strong belief in magic, in the knowing that the soul is eternal, that we have a host of unseen beings helping us through life, and other things. I’m not saying I don’t believe, but I wonder how in the hell it helps any of us. If you are religious, you say God answered your prayer if it turns out your way. If it doesn’t go your way, it was his will. Really?? Whatever. Us non-religious but spiritual people ask for help too. Same story when we get it, and when we don’t. Is there really anyone out there that gives a damn about our suffering here on planet earth? I am not so sure anymore. But a positive or negative outcome doesn’t appear to be attached to anything in particular. It’s a crap shoot – we may get screwed, we may not.

And I can get into all of the spiritual and religious crap that we are taught, depending on what you believe in. A kingdom awaits you in heaven, or it’s all an illusion and we are all spirit, or whatever. How does that help me in my PHYSICAL 3D BODY HERE ON PHYSICAL EARTH? Oh, here’s one…there is no time. Well, you sure can’t f’ing tell that from down here on good old Earth now can you? Because time either flies by for us or creeps, and regardless our lifespans are measured in a matter of very long numbers of years. Long numbers of years. I could easily live to be close to 100. That’s potentially 60 years give or take without my child. That sucks.

Oh, and depending on your beliefs, maybe you feel the rapture is imminent. Or ascension. Or something else. Are we the first people who have thought this? Nope. How do we know? I don’t know. I thought I knew. Now I don’t know. Honestly I just want some event to come along and kill me and end my suffering. I can’t do it myself. I’m not a believer in it being a sin, but I do believe it will cause me to have to come repeat this crap over again so no thank you. Nope, not doing this one over again. I have enough pain and regret to last several lifetimes.

Today I do not know who I am anymore, what I believe, or anything much for that matter. The only thing I firmly believe today is this is a load of BS and we’ve all been lied to. I already knew that, it’s just that today it feels like that’s all there is. Lies. Suffering. Pain. Shit. I am done, so done. Done, done, done. Done. #missingerin

 

Aug 13

Ascension Primer – Get Excited!

Yes, Ascension! If you can’t feel the change in the air these days then you aren’t alive. And I really mean that, because there is so much abuzz that no matter what your personal belief system, you have probably wondered lately when the world will end, or begin, depending on your point of view. (Psst…I think the world begins anew and I am so excited!)

You can Google all sorts of articles on Ascension. Hell, I’ve been reading about it for years. Before that I was only familiar with the Christian Rapture/Armageddon, and then I graduated into learning about other religious and cultural end-times prophecy. There are common threads that run through it all. If you are well-read, you may even “recognize” what one deems as a fixed concept as something entirely different (read: misinterpreted). And even if you don’t, you can spend a lifetime reading the published content on this subject.

What Is Ascension?

At the core, ascension means “to go up.” When we speak of it in metaphysical circles, we often speak of an increase in the vibration or frequency of both the body and the earth’s resonance. While this is sometimes metaphorical, it is also literal. Everyone’s body resonates at a specific frequency, and within a certain range for Humans as well. The planet also has its own frequency, and we call this the Schumann Resonance. When these rise or fall, it affects the electromagnetic energy that helps regulate our biology and has an effect on our health.

From a metaphysical perspective, the rise of the resonance of the earth will affect us by assisting in a change from a carbon based physical form, to a crystalline based physical form. It will assist us in ascending the dimensional ladder from the 3rd density to beyond. It will remove the veil between what we perceive in 3D physical reality to other realities. There are many writings, both religious and otherwise, from ancient times telling us about this phenomenon. In other words, it’s not something made up. The ancients left a record of the rise and fall of man for us to learn from.

Does all of this sound nebulous? Well, it is! To the best of my knowledge, no one alive on Earth right now remembers any previous ascensions, although surely at least some of us have gone through one. That is due to what some call the Veil of Forgetfulness. Another subject, but related in the sense that it will disappear.

How Do We Know it’s Happening Now?

I suppose that’s a matter of belief and faith. But there are things happening right now that tell me that Humanity is on the uptick. Really, some of it started years ago but the intensity or occurrences are rising. Some of those are…

Heart Chakras Opening Wide

Have you noticed more kindness lately? Or even more outrage that a person or other living being wasn’t treated with kindness? I have and that is fantastic news for us Humans! It means that we have learned how important it is. And hey guys, better late than never right? Right!

Every world religion and philosophy teaches love and compassion at the core, or every one I have learned about. Ok, sure there are a few organized hate groups and Satanists, but at the root of our world-wide teachings is overwhelming love. Then it gets convoluted with a whole bunch of BS that was added by well-meaning people (let’s hope) and blah blah. But the point is LOVE. And Compassion. Slightly different but still holds a vibration of love.

It is my belief that in the cosmic scheme of things, sometimes “bad” events happen in order to help the collective masses raise their vibration. One of those such events was 9/11. Regardless of how our governments reacted, the planet itself reacted with love. And that’s not just my opinion. There was a group who had monitoring stations already online at that time and they actually captured it in the Earth’s magnetic field. They are called the Global Coherence Initiative and they have a fascinating website. There is also an article on the phenomenon on the National Institute of Health’s website here. By the way, if you haven’t figured out yet why or how this is linked, the heart generates a huge magnetic field that extends several feet outside of the body. When you are experiencing intense love or even heart ache, it is measurable.

But on to today…have you noticed more of an outpouring for people who were treated unkindly? It has grown over the years. How about abused children? When I was a child my parents could beat me without repercussion but now, people are sensitive to that. Violence against women has finally been noticed. How about animals? Yes, they too are finally being recognized as living, feeling beings. And it’s taking off in earnest now. Just some notable cases are Bill Cosby and Cecil the Lion. I cannot come up with a notable child abuse case, and frankly I am glad I can’t because those really get to me personally. With Cecil, I know people got mega-pissed about that (which isn’t so loving), but sometimes when a population wakes up to what is going on anger results. Look at what a loving awareness it has brought about in the world. The ENTIRE WORLD is now thinking that hey, maybe just because we can kill doesn’t mean we should. And hey, those people doing the killing may not be the kind of people we want as our neighbors and friends. Here is a wonderful quote that I believe sums it all up, found here:

Dr. Walter Palmer has done something worthwhile after all.

His special combination of vanity, smugness, greed, arrogance and stupidity has taken something which happens all the time, usually out of sight and out of mind, and has elevated it to international recognition.

International recognition is the key concept here. Now it’s out in the mass psyche and nothing can stop the wave of love now. And why would we want to?

There is a darker side to this, for those who have “hard hearts” and don’t want to receive or give love. Many of those people end up having heart attacks. If they survive, they are given another chance to open their hearts. If they don’t, the next wave of energy on the planet may just do them in. Love and bless them. They know not what they do.

Some are Going a Little Nuts

Or, maybe a lot. Look at the increase in violence and even mass violence over the years. And severe depression, anxiety, and anything that causes people to act in a way uncharacteristic of themselves. It’s out there on the news every day. Some of it is a coping mechanism for what they don’t understand “is happening to them” and some people just snap. I could go on and on and cite a myriad of cases, but it’s depressing so let’s just remember what we’ve seen on the news. It’s enough.

Deaths / People Leaving the Planet

I admit, this one used to not bother me, but it’s a bit of a sore spot now. I always believed that some souls just decide it’s time to go, and that some had a predetermined exit point. I know that it was so for my daughter, but it hurts nonetheless. I’ll put that aside and try to remember the interesting part…

Of course there are individual deaths. Many of the people are are dying in the past 20 years specifically could not physically withstand the energy waves that have been hitting our planet. It rises in increments, probably beginning with the era of the 60’s, peaking again in 1987 with Harmonic Convergence, and then at intervals since then. It really ramped up in late 2012 (yes, the world did not end but we did have an awakening!). Others just have their own destinies to fulfill and of course, that is a unique and individual thing.

There are also mass death situations. Most of the time, metaphysically speaking, soul groups have agreed to participate in a mass death situation to bring about awareness of a situation in the hopes that the masses will respond with love and compassion, thus raising the vibration of the planet. 9/11 was one of those incidents and I’m sure you can come up with many more.  We still miss and grieve our loved ones, but seeing the value in their sacrifice can assist in opening our own hearts.

Physical Ailments, AKA Ascension Symptoms

There is so much written on ascension symptoms that I won’t spend too much time on it. Google that phrase and read for yourself. Ascension Symptoms refers to the phenomenon of aches, pains, and illnesses that are due to your body assimilating higher energies. They are typically not related to any medical condition, but many feel that illnesses such as Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, and such are just results of a body’s reaction to the energies.

I can personally share that over the years since I have “woken up” I have experienced chronic fatigue (undiagnosed – what’s the point!), heart palpitations, aching joints, and most recently a lovely electrical shock on top of my wrist. Actually, I’ve lost track of the little things and no longer remember them. I know my body, and so rest assured that I am not ill in any way. I used to go to the doctor and got a big nothing, and I am no longer in fear of what comes up or out of my body.

BUT…If you are concerned that you actually have a physical illness you need to see a physician! I am not a doctor, nor are most of the people who write about their experiences!

But Why? You Ask…

I suspect, based on my intuition and research, there are several things converging at once. Either way, here are some of the interesting things that I have learned.

Wave X

If you’re sensitive to energy, you are probably feeling this. We are said to have entered the Photon Belt around the end of 2012, and now we are experiencing some gamma waves from something that Dr. Simon Atkins calls Wave X. I have to say, I can’t explain it but I “get” it. And I’ve felt it. He has a weekly radio show called the Skyaia Show, a YouTube channel, and has been interviewed on countless other internet sites. I’ve also been enjoying his tweets from @DrSimonAtkins. I should also note that he highly recommends the content at Transients.info. I haven’t read that one yet, but he mentions it nearly every time I listen to an interview with him.

Prophecy, Galactic Cycles, and More

Many things are prophesied for this time in our history. The thing about prophecy is that there are possibilities and probabilities. Choices can change the course of, well, the course of anything. Still, I believe that much of what is prophesied for this time period has to do with cycles of time. Perhaps our choices only change the intensity and not the event.

Many cultures and religions talk about cycles. One hot item on the web right now is the Jewish Shemittah and Jubilee cycle. Prior to 2012 the Mayan Calendar and cycles were widely talked about (by the way, a shift did happen! It was a shift in awareness). The Mayan Calendar appears to be based on the 26000 year galactic cycle, in which we make an orbit around the Galactic Center and go through all of the signs of the Zodiac. Now that is interesting isn’t it? They say that now, we are in a waiting period after having finished the orbit in late 2012. Maybe this is so that we can clean our acts up and get our business in order.

If you Google Ascension, or even Rapture, you will find many resources on this subject. I was guided to write the information that I did, but there are many different perspectives and different types of information. This is an exciting time to be on our planet! Enjoy the ride!

 

 

Aug 13

Missing Erin

5thGradeChandelierI don’t know if I ever posted this. It was the tile Erin’s classmates did in her memory for their 5th grade legacy project, which I understand was a chandelier. It is Fawn I believe, who is the animal fairy. Erin loved Fawn and animals in general.

Many of you remember that tomorrow, August 14 2015, is the one year anniversary of Erin’s death. Some call it an Angelversary. Anyway, it has weighed heavily upon both Shaun and I for the entire month of August. She went into the hospital in late July and never came out. I still wonder how we did not know she was dying, but we didn’t, even after she went in ICU. There are so many things left unsaid, undone, and while I have let a lot of it go I will never get over some of that.

Regardless of what my beliefs are, until the day I see her again I will miss her miserably. It does not get better, time does not heal, she is not in a better place, no one’s god is healing my emotional wounds, etc. etc. etc. Don’t judge unless you have been here. There is no remedy or replacement or anything else. It is what it is, and what it is, is misery. If you want to get on a high horse with me about any of that, I might just unleash a fury on you. Because you seriously do not know, and I seriously hope that you never do know.

I regularly have people ask about Shaun. He is miserable too. He and I both deal with it differently, with a different tool box and different methods, but we are both miserable. If you are worried about him you should tell him. If you don’t know what to say, just say hey I am thinking of you, and I worry about you being ok. Saying nothing is much worse than saying something.

On that note, I want to thank everyone who donated to our bills and kept us in the black instead of the red. I want to thank every single person who has written us, checked on us, called, texted, Facebook tagged or messaged, etc. etc. etc. We have not forgotten one single person who reached out or attended her service. Those of you who still reach out, you are appreciated more than you can possibly know. Many times your message comes just when we need it most, even though you have no way of knowing that beyond your intuition. So thank you ALL, thank you again and again.

I am sorry to the friends, and family, that I no longer keep in touch with regularly. Sometimes just thinking of you is a miserable reminder of who is no longer here with us. And so it hurts, and so I avoid it. But I still think of you, and fondly, and wish it was different. And I think to myself that maybe one day soon I will be able to have lunch, to visit, to see your kids who I also miss, without sheer and utter misery. I still love to hear from you, but can’t bring myself to be the one who keeps in touch. I wish that I could explain it better, but I can’t. It’s a daily struggle.

I have made new friends this year, and old friends have become nearer and dearer. I have stood by as some of you have lost your own children or grandchildren, and I have monitored from the background as an old friend’s child, a year or so younger than Erin, suffers from a blood disease. I feel awful because I can’t even go there. I wanted to help and I wondered why two children in the same geographical area, same school, both got a blood disease, but I can’t go there. I wish that our families did not share this horror. I understand that this child is recovering, but I still know the worry and the horror that her parents face every minute of the day. It is unthinkable and awful. Nearly as much as those of us who have lost ours.

I also do not know if I ever mentioned this, but the autopsy results showed that Erin most likely died from a rare Lymphoma. They still could not diagnose even with the autopsy. It was one of those things that just wasn’t meant to be figured out. I get it, from a higher perspective. As her mother, I do not want to talk about it and I did not read the autopsy. What’s done is done, and I don’t need to know anymore. I don’t want to hear about lymphoma, childhood cancer, cancer in general, don’t want to see TV commercials for the anti-inflammatory drugs that the rheumatologists kept trying to give her, can barely watch anything having to do with sickness and/or hospitals, and the list goes on. But I thought I should mention that is what they think she had, probably for over a year. We had no idea.

I tried to say the other day that I was angry, but honestly, I don’t have that sort of energy to be angry. So I thought, maybe I am bitter. Nope, that’s a strong word and my feelings and energy level aren’t that. I am disillusioned, and defeated, though. What little I have left I have put into my spiritual path and the steps my “team” tells me to take on a daily basis. I try to focus on being in service to others, and to completing my spiritual journey enough this time around that I don’t have to repeat these lessons in another lifetime. I have repaid my karmic debts and I have learned harsh lessons over a lifetime, and yes culminating with Erin’s death. Do you notice I say death instead of passing? Passing is just sugar coating it. Her body died. It’s dead. I suppose she did pass into another phase of existence, but she’s not here. So anyway, here I stand before all of creation wiser and more humbled, and feeling damn sorry for myself.

I will not post tomorrow, and so wanted to get it out of the way today. If you are grieving, feel free to contact me. I am here for you whoever you are. Sometimes you just need to talk – or blog – to get it out.

Namaste, blessings, and #missingerin

Erins_urnService_inside

Aug 08

8-8-8 Lions Gate and Love, Love, Love

Today is known in metaphysical arenas as the 8-8-8 Lions Gate. The 8-8-8 is numerology 101 – the year 2015 = 8. It’s also International Cat Day. Who knew? I didn’t but it was a pleasant surprise!

The Lion’s Gate is numerology, astrology, and energetic in nature. I may have missed something – it is many things. I took the liberty of looking up the meaning of the number 8 and found a page I really resonate with. A few of my favorite things from this page say:

 

  • Symbol of the cosmic Christ.
  • Number figuring the immutable eternity or the self-destruction. It represents also the final point of the manifestation.
  • In China, the 8 expresses the totality of the universe.
  • Number of the balance and of the cosmic order, according to the Egyptians.
  • Number expressing the matter, it is also the symbol of the incarnation in the matter which becomes itself creative and autonomous, governing its own laws.

There is more and it’s a good read. You can also Google the meaning of 8.

Astrologically speaking, it’s the helical rising of the star Sirius, which is also symbolic of the Goddess Isis. Isis is one of the primary “Mother” Goddesses associated on our planet. If you aren’t familiar with Isis and want to learn about her, there is a multitude of information on the internet at your disposal. I believe that Isis is much older than Egypt and there is evidence to support that theory. Also, in regards to Sirius, they were one of the races that came to our planet to genetically engineer us. In fact, from what I understand, that was the specialty that they brought to the table with the other founding groups who came here from the stars to populate this planet.

We receive energy from space and portals in space/time all the time. It comes in many forms such as cosmic rays, gamma rays, electrons and protons (like from our Sun), and other forms of photonic or light energy. During times of the year when we are aligned with stars like Sirius, the energy amps up and we get an extra dose. Portals are opened, and people who “have eyes to see and ears to hear” often give offerings, meditate, etc. in order to solidify their intention to absorb that energy. At times it can be trans-formative to the planet.

I was guided to write today about the Lion’s Gate after some personal thoughts and reading the initial page that I mentioned. I have an article that is almost finished on Ascension, which will go into more detail on some of the energies abundant on our planet at this time. But for today, I want to go back to Cecil the Lion and just what that was all about.

I’ll start with this morning…this morning I started off very sad, missing Erin, but sometime today that sadness turned to an outpouring of love. I had no idea that the Lion’s Gate was all about love, but I kept reading things that I saw the theme of love just jumping out of. I kept thinking of Cecil. He wasn’t just a lion, and it didn’t matter if we had never heard of him. It doesn’t matter if people in Africa are afraid of lions, and it doesn’t matter that there are abused human children and even aborted babies. Why? Cecil, in his death, suddenly became ALL animals, all of the powerless, sentient beings on the planet all at one time. That includes humans at all stages of development, and it obviously includes all animals. His death brought awareness to senseless killing. It brought awareness and outrage at those who would kill just because they can, for sport or trophy, and to all of those who turn their head and look the other way. It united us as a planet once again in a wave of love, compassion, and even outrage. The outrage was necessary because that’s what happens when things come to light in such a way. Anger is often the first step to real change with an evolving cultural group such as us Earth humans.

Cecil honors the suffering, those who are living in fear, all beings who have been senselessly killed, and the abused. We bring value to his death by being better than those who would do these things and saying No, that isn’t acceptable and we do not want a world like that. And when we say that, we feel a tremendous amount of love. Love for all living things.

Well, my heart is absolutely bursting with love and that’s pretty much all that I have to say, so I’ll shut up about it. But I’m still beaming out love to you all, and I’m still #missingerin

Namaste, blessings, and LOVE
Oh, and today, #IAmCecil

 

Aug 01

Believing, and the New Energy

I am afraid that I have waited too many days in between posts and now I have so much to say that I may have to break it up.

For those of you who wonder, yes, the past few weeks have become increasingly difficult. And with the advent of August 1, of course it brings back to me what was occurring this time last year in vivid, PTSD style movies. It hurts, and yet it’s real.

If you are also wondering “how come she seems to be doing so ‘good’?” I will tell you. I know that many of you who started following my thoughts after Erin’s body died don’t always understand my ideas, etc. And that’s ok. Honestly I love everyone just the way you are and wouldn’t change a thing! I also don’t ask you to believe in what I am saying, because it’s my truth and not yours. Do I always preface something radically different with words like those? It is occurring to me that maybe I do. I admit, sometimes I am not so brave to share my thoughts and knowings with others.

Erin has been coming to me in meditation for a long time. I don’t always talk about it, and maybe I haven’t talked about it at all. It’s because some of the things she says to me, people wouldn’t understand. She has been telling me that “Mommy, you will see me sooner than you think.” And my friends, she means in the physical. I don’t know how, when, where, etc. but I believe her. I found that other friends who believe in “life after death” were getting the same thing from their loved ones. It’s also been put out into the mass psyche with shows like Resurrection, The Returned, and somewhat in the new show called Proof. Even The 4400 had some who were returned from beyond the veil.

I won’t share details of our conversations at this point, but that is why I am doing so well, if you want to call it that. It’s because I believe in my inner knowing and in the brief visions of my child. So I miss her but I am just waiting to be reunited. So if you ever get a phone call saying “You won’t believe this!…” then you can know I am telling the truth.

By the way, I am not so egotistical that I think mine is the only one. I told you, others have gotten the same message. They probably aren’t sharing it for good reason because right about now, you are probably thinking I am totally nuts! LOL

As I was beginning to write this, I was writing the phrase “Erin died” and I heard a strong message to write “Erin’s body died.” Because that’s just what happened, her body died, but she did not.

So as you ponder that, I want to share with you a picture of her Elephant Ear plant. I mentioned not too long ago that it did not come up this year. I even dug down to find the bulb and it was rotted and pretty much gone. On Thursday I was feeling low, and I asked for a sign. When I left the house, I immediately saw the tiny new plant. What a nice sign.

11825772_10204834972049073_6647796967517742384_nI could go on and on about my thoughts on the etheric, DNA, sequencing a physical body from the ethers, how the Ascended Masters do it, the vibration of the planet rising from 3D upward, etc. etc. but that’s an article not my train of thought right now. Plus I don’t claim to know a damn thing about it other than I Believe. Period.

I also am not living my past story. I am no longer the Nicole of even the last year. I’m someone new. The same but different. You never lose 100% of the pieces of yourself but you do change some out. And guess what? My energy change has caused many “problems” with things around me either breaking or something similar. Erin’s laptop broke (it can be fixed!); my work computer isn’t playing ball with a system I need to access; I upgraded to Windows 10 on the computer I’m using now and my network connections got all F’d up (still not completely fixed!); China Cook messed up my dinner last night and Publix left out a $10 item from our bag; can’t access my bank account data right now so therefore I cannot pay my credit card bill; broke my iPhone screen; and other things of that sort. Honestly it’s been going on for about 2 weeks and I’ve forgotten half of what no longer works or had to be replaced! The old energy just is not able to go into the new energy, so whatever is tied to that has to break down or change.

On that note, if you are experiencing painful things in your life, or changes, just take a look at it and ask why it may have had to happen. All of it is teaching you something, and how you react to it is evidence of whether or not you passed the test so to speak. It’s ok if you didn’t, because if you know that you didn’t, that’s half the battle! You can try again next time. And there is always a next time.

I have noticed in hindsight that I have been given increasing levels of lessons all of my life in two areas: Loss and Control. I won’t bore you with the details, but had I been slapped with the mega-lesson of Erin’s body dying all at once, I would never have been able to withstand it. Everything was preparation for that to happen. Yes, I still believe everything happens for a reason according to the divine plan. And sometimes it sucks pretty badly.

There is much going on with the world and the people’s mass consciousness folks. Just roll with it and don’t be afraid. We live in exciting times and much is changing forever even as I type this. I am personally excited to see what it brings us, and I hope it’s all that we could ever expect.

Namaste, #missingerin, and blessings! <3

Jul 24

A Light in the Darkness

Today my Paradigm Shift newsletter, the Daily Blessing #99, had this quote at the top:

Life is short and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us. Oh be swift to love, make haste to be kind.

– Henri Frederic Amiel
I have never heard of this quote or the person it is attributed to, but it certainly speaks to me. For so many reasons, life on this earth is certainly a dark journey. Some of the reasons seem to be lessons to learn for soul growth, clearing karma, earning ascension or heaven (depending on your beliefs), and many others. We suffer, we keep going because we have a promise of something better in the future. Some don’t keep going. They don’t see anything better in the darkness. But doesn’t there have to be?
Doesn’t have to be, but without that promise, we would all lose hope. And yet we are one of the most unkind species on the planet. Most animals treat others better than we do. I do see an influx of light lately though. More and more people are opting for kindness, for love versus hate, opening to new ideas and new ways of facing this thing that we call life…
Last night, I had an interesting dream. In one portion of it, there were tons of monkeys dressed in little red bell hop coats and hats. They were running like nuts, after me. But I was at this point looking at a screen and maneuvering myself with a joystick. It was really me, but so was the person on the outside. I have no idea yet what this was telling me, but it could be the 100th Monkey idea. It could also be showing me that my Soul, the “real” me, is maneuvering the Human Body me from a different perspective. I’m pretty sure that part is spot on, but I have no idea about the monkeys. That one may take some time to ponder!
I just read a quote that said something like, let your light shine brightly so that you can light the way for others in the darkness. I can tell you from experience, some days I can shine on, and other days I need your light to find my way. We are all in this together my friends, even some of you think we are not. At the very least, we are all stuck on this planet (for now), and without kind and loving cooperation we are all doomed. Yep – doomed. You can pick your nasty outcome and insert here.
So with that said, I love you all and wish you a kind, loving, and blessed day. If you start to feel stressed with the wave of new energies coming onto the planet, just take a deep breath and breathe out love in return. Your light will shine and others will see it.
Namaste and #missingerin <3