Nov 15

Back to “Not Bursting”

Well, sort of anyway. I’ve been quiet again. I can’t seem to motivate myself to speak up or speak out unless I’m really wound up, and then the communication doesn’t come out as planned. But I am self-sabotaging again by not speaking, so here goes.

By self-sabotaging, stress has caused me this time to gain weight around my mid-section. I at least partially have this happen when I don’t process it, and I don’t process it when I’m not verbal. I have been verbal all of my life, just ask any of my relatives or childhood friends. The problem was that I was too verbal and said many things that I now deeply regret, so I swung too far in the other direction. That’s the story of my life – finding balance. Where is it? I truly do not know.

So here are a few of my burning thoughts for today…

I am still deeply troubled by the censorship and the agenda that I see involving the Maxines. Yes – figure that out for yourself and if you guessed a “Vee” instead of an “Emm” you guessed correctly. I really don’t need the trouble of getting on a black list. That said, here are a few thoughts for you…

One, censorship of any kind is un-American. That is not what we fought for in any of our fights. It’s not what we stand for. We have the right to free speech – maybe not hate-speech but free speech and discussion. We have the right to disagree with the official party line or with any party line. Censorship is like book burning and it’s wrong. The censorship alone should make 100% of us question what the hell is going on.

Two, we have the right to choose what goes into our bodies and to make informed decisions. I’ve done that and I don’t agree with the propaganda – yes I said it – that is being put out. Sometimes it contradicts itself in the same paragraph and if you use your eyes and ears and brain, you’ll see a different reality staring you in the face. But I digressed…back to informed decisions. I have seen people who support abortion because my body my choice fervently push me to put this into my body like I have no choice. And it does not compute. I do not understand what cool aid they are drinking.

But you know what I do understand? Fear. And I see lots of it, and that makes people give up their rights and trample on the rights of others. And that’s sad, and scary.

I see things many people don’t see. I see patterns and underlying reasons. That’s one of the talents I use in my job. I’m also a BA in History with a minor in Anthropology, and I see history repeating itself.

It’s hard because no one wants to hear. I get it – it’s negative. It’s asking them to rethink or let go of their beliefs, of their safety net, of their world view. But I can’t say silent, although sometimes I do. And I also can’t save the entire world, just myself. I’m carrying a burden no one asked me to carry because I see the consequences, and it’s heavy.

I could say more but let me move on to Helios, our latest rescue kitty. The vet diagnosed him with FIP back in August, and honestly I didn’t believe them. Long story but true story. I did have Sharon Parrish, our homeopathic practitioner, treat him for two months and he has hung in there. I know how homeopathy works and I believe we gave him a good foundation for healing but started him on a regimen of GS 5 days ago (today is day 6 of 84). This poor baby has me so worried, it’s almost like reliving Erin’s illness again. FIP is fatal but GS will cure it. Homeopathy also cures. But whether HE will be cured is not within my realm of control. But I am not giving up until he makes it clear it’s time to do that, if he does.

I also am finally transferring to an actual group at work. Yay! I’ve been “at-risk” for months now waiting for the right position, and believe you me the universe has withheld other positions from me lol. Closed doors in other words. I knew that the right one would pop up effortlessly and it did – yay! But the wait over the last 5+ months has been brutal. Then the #mandate (#nomandates) complicated things for me but I was granted an exemption. That doesn’t necessarily help me right now but it did buy me time for this BS to get thrown out via the courts.

The job changes means a little stress though, because it’s a new team and pressure to perform. I have been doing administrative work mostly and it has been a nice lull. Getting off after 8 hours has been nice too.

Back to Helios. I have to give that poor baby a shot once a day. It hasn’t been going well. I’m not skilled and one day had to jab him 3x. That wasn’t a good day – he was bruised and honestly has appeared to backslide a bit since after sleeping all day. I’m still hopeful though, but hate having to jab him. I don’t like needles.

I plan on starting a blog section or page simply for posting links to material for your awareness. I really want you to make up your own mind and contribute to your own conclusions. That means you will need to read and make decisions for you. All that I offer you comes from my own truth and my opinion.

Love and blessings <3

Sep 29

Literally Bursting

Well, maybe not literally, but it feels that way. This time I haven’t had a hard time expressing, but have been holding it in. I have never been known to back down from a sensitive topic or even an argument for that matter, but I’ve changed. Since I’ve been #missingerin, I have not only changed my perspective but I’ve got very little energy for conflict. And now, for the first time in this life, I’ve found myself feeling like I am marginalized.

As a female, I never felt like I was less than. I didn’t experience what I considered different treatment until I was nearly 30 and in the workplace, and it was both eye-opening and unnerving. But it didn’t make me skip a beat, because I knew that I was supported by both people and my employer.

I have different religious beliefs than mainstream. I don’t broadcast it, but I am not afraid to speak up.

I have lots of dirty laundry, and again I don’t broadcast it, but I am not afraid to tell you about it.

So now I find myself in new territory. I am part of a group of like minded people who have become the bullied, the unclean even. We have varied opinions actually. Some of us believe many different things about the topic, some just don’t want medical mandates. We are the unvaccinated. We have learned that we cannot speak freely, that we can’t seem to break the narrative that MSM (mainstream media) has distributed, and we are being treated as I assume a minority of any kind would be treated. I assume that because I feel like I imagine minorities feel.

It doesn’t feel good. I am truly sorry for anyone who has had to blend in for fear of repercussions, who has had to adapt unwillingly for their own safety, who has lived in any sort of fear. What do I have to fear you ask? I have bills just like you. I have a home. I have obligations to other people. I also have a desire not to be ostracized, bullied, called names, and a desire to be loved and not feared. I’m well-read and I could present scientific data for you to consider, but most of you will not consider it, and my energy would be wasted. How do I know this? From experience telling some of you what I learned, then being expected to defend it as I would a thesis. No thank you.

The stress of potentially being excluded from employment is causing me headaches and what feels like a stomach ulcer. I have strong feelings about this, so I also have the same stress regarding my husband’s employment.

I have strong feelings about this, and I’m well-read on the subjects involved. I know I have already mentioned that. So now I have to reconcile the mundane me who wants to shout and spew and rant and rave with the more spiritual me who knows that I really just need to hold the space and mold my vibration towards the world that I DO want vs what I don’t want. And I have strong feelings about this and am personally affected, so that is hard to do.

There are many of us out there. Most of us are quiet. We are thankful for our brothers and sisters who are standing up for us publicly. Many of us can’t for employment reasons, or just because we don’t have it in us to do so. We will be strong for you in other ways though. And I hope that all of us can find it within ourselves to love our other brothers and sisters who disagree and may be forcing this upon us. They don’t realize what they are driving here, or what the consequences will be.

Namaste and hugs,

Nicole

Aug 15

Time Marches On – My Grief Story 7 Years Later

As I contemplated writing this and really why I needed to “put it down on paper,” I realized that I am probably in the mindset of a person coming down from a high on drugs, thinking I can do fine without another “dose” but not at the stage where I am crashing yet. That is how this grief journey works or at least it’s been my experience. I’m able to write today, but tomorrow I may not be.

Yesterday, 7 years had passed since we had to say goodbye to Erin. I am sugarcoating that for you, and since I now feel guilty doing so let me just be honest. 7 years had passed since we watched our baby die, since we held her hand as she died, and since we were shattered into a million pieces that we will never put back together. It had been longer since we got to hear her voice or tell her how much we loved her since she was in an induced coma. I could never hope to communicate to you how that felt, and I really don’t want you to know. But I write this hoping that those of you who have experienced it know you aren’t alone, and those of you who haven’t will show some grace to your friends and loved ones who have.

We will never get over it, and we will never be the same. I have people close to me who have wondered when we will get over it. Wondered why we don’t do holidays anymore, wondered this and that. I also have people close to me who miss us but understand. Both of those things pain me. For the former, I have lost all respect for them and while I know it has to do with their own character limitations, I will never feel the same. For the latter, I have tremendous guilt about not seeing you more often and for the time I have lost with you that I will never get back. The irony eh? 🙁

Yesterday was actually maybe the “best” Angelversary day that Shaun and I have had yet. But before you erupt in gratitude or elation for that, just know that next year may turn out to be worse than all of them. That’s the thing about grief…you just never know.

We also tend to go into a state of numbness up until the day of any date – Angelversary, birthday, Christmas, etc. It’s a protection mechanism. The shit we feel is horrendous and we just can’t survive feeling it or reliving it for too long, so our emotional body has adapted. I had a few bad moments after turning out the lights last night, but I mentally said that I never want to forget but cannot think about this right now. And I took a second melatonin, and went to sleep.

Now I have to brace for my birthday. My last birthday with Erin, she and her daddy cooked me breakfast and I woke up to a plate with bacon in the shape of a #42. What a lovely surprise! Then the next birthday, we had her service. Before you ask – my birthday was already ruined so it wasn’t a big deal to put her service on that day. It was the first day they had, and I really couldn’t bear to add yet another calendar day to brace for each year.

Today I am still fairly numb, but actively looking for things to do and to take my mind off of having to think or feel. I have taken a 3+ mile walk in the hot sun, I’ve played and won more games of Candy Crush Soda and Bubble Witch 3 than I can count (and bought a bunch of in-game helpers to do so – I’ll be sorry when I have to pay the credit card bill), I’ve packed for my upcoming move, and I have yoga planned for later. I even went to WalMart and to the local coffee truck that came to our club house this morning. I’ve had an action packed day.

But I’ve also had a lot of people to think about me, and about Shaun, over the weekend. Thank you – you know who you are. You are the same people who have supported us throughout and we have a special place in our hearts for you and always will. Kindness is worth so much more than words can express, but since all we have are words right now, Thank You.

I also think of all of the other grieving mothers and fathers that I (now) know on this day and on your days too. If you don’t know, you won’t know we are out there. We wear a smile and try to enjoy our “new” lives, and we don’t open conversations with “my child died.” It would bum you out. You wouldn’t know what to say. We understand. Mostly.

On that note, I once told an extended relative who I recognize by face but forget his name, after seeing him at a funeral twice in a few months, that I had no children. I had just told him the story literally a few months prior. He is old. I didn’t have the emotional wherewithal to tell it again. Then I felt tremendously guilty. But I did what I had to do in the moment, and I’ve done it a few times more when it was just too much to go into at the time. I felt guilty again, but I live in survival mode most of the time.

Thank you for letting me talk about my journey. I love each and every one of you just because you are alive and here, and just because you are you.

<3

Aug 14

Who Are You Really?

Recently someone asked me if I was Liberal or Conservative. She asked because she didn’t want me to be offended by an invitation to a Liberal leaning group on FaceBook. I appreciate that people care enough to ask because so many out there just assume that everyone thinks the same way that they do. I mean, if I like them or they are my friend shouldn’t they be exact replicas of me? (Noooooo!!!!! But that’s not my point so I will not digress.)

I told her that I was in fact more Liberal leaning than Conservative, but that I chose to leave a similar group this year because I could no longer take the drama. What I really couldn’t take was the extremism, and the intolerance. Before some of you Conservatives start smiling and high-fiving, that’s exactly what I don’t like about Conservative groups. Or most groups to be honest.

I realize that we live in a place of polarity. It’s discussed in the Bible (good and evil) and it’s discussed in spiritual circles as well as being a “polarity experiment” where we are learning to integrate into balance. Some could say we are doing a terrible job, and some could say we are exactly on track because people like me no longer buy into a “one or the other” scenario. I can usually see both sides, but prefer a blend where it’s a win-win provided no one is harmed.

I’m going to use Erin’s 7th Angelversary today to briefly step up on a soap box and ask you to look around you at the polarity and the intolerance. We are being asked at every turn to take sides. You’re either for us or against us they say, and there is no tolerance for anything that is other than what our doctrine is. Even science, where the asking of questions and the continuation of asking those questions and honing and enhancing is key, even science is saying don’t question us. If you don’t have a degree in this field don’t question us. And I say, that is contrary to everything that I am and that I know. I have a brain and I can ask questions, and I can make my own decisions. And so can you.

If you are assuming that I’m speaking about a specific subject, well I am, but not solely about that subject. Who are YOU? Are you the person who has no thoughts of their own? Or do you need to know more and go find the information for yourself? Do you follow the leader even if the leader sends you off a cliff to die? Or do you say hey, if we modify the plan this way then I can still live?

Are you the person who cannot examine any new information because you’re afraid that it will change your entire world? If you are, I can help you with that. It will be ok. It’s better to have truth and to evolve than to stagnate and well, not evolve.

Are you the person who persecutes others to keep the status quo? If you are, you can still come home. We will welcome you with loving arms.

Are you afraid to speak up because you will also be persecuted? I am too! I know that you may not have that view of me because I have such a big mouth (LOL) but I am. For the first time in my life I am afraid to speak my truth. I mean really afraid not just timid. But if you are that person, there are more of us out here than you think, quietly waiting for our people to show up so that we can be united in truth and tolerance together. We are here, and we will help you.

Many of us realize that we know nothing about the journey that another has been on, and that to judge them is just plain cruel. And that is how we begin to listen, and to understand, and to find those win-win’s, and that is how we welcome you with a loving embrace even if you have been a cause of that cruelty.

I have lived this earlier in my life, but at that time I don’t remember it being so polarized as it was now. But I’ve been on both sides of this and it’s not pretty. Most people who oppress others don’t even realize that they are the oppressors and are imposing their will on another through some manner of cruelty. I sure didn’t.

Please be kind to others. Please take responsibility for your actions and reactions. Please ask for help if you need to work through fear. Please know that I love you <3

#missingerin today. Erin was kind and loving and I didn’t even have to teach her to be. I hope you can honor her life by being the same.

<3

Aug 13

The Real Scoop on Friday the 13th

As I begin writing this, I had a thought that I don’t want to ruin the pop culture, traditionally ingrained spook factor for you if you really enjoy Friday the 13th in all of it’s glory. I mean the wonder of wondering what bad things will happen (not in a terribly fearful way but in a fun way), watching the Friday the 13th franchise, and all of the things that go along with that. I absolutely love Friday the 13th and plan to watch at least the first one, if not the first three, later today. I may even poke fun at a few friends about how unlucky their day might be. But really, why do we as a culture fear this day? I’m going to give you the Cliff’s Notes here and I hope you will do some further reading for yourself.

Before the Patriarchy, and I capitalize it because it’s a real organized thing that mobilized against women, Friday the 13th was not an unlucky day. This Vice article does a great job of explaining that before, neither Friday or the number 13 had any negative connotations. In fact, both were associated with the Divine Feminine and were what we would today consider something similar to holy.

Apparently, Friday was the day that Eve gave Adam the apple, and the day that he left the Garden and possibly died and was cremated. No offense to anyone who considers themselves a Christian, but don’t you think it’s somewhat problematic that everything was blamed on the female? This is the Patriarchy at work and has nothing to do with the Christ that came to embody Love. But the reputation of Friday was further cemented when they wrote that Christ was killed on “Good Friday.” They = a human male.

Again blamed on the female is the horrific nature of the number 13. 13 was the number of those at the Last Supper. It was also a Friday 13th when the Knights Templars were massacred by the Pope, who wanted their wealth and could no longer control them. But did you know that the Templars held the Divine Feminine in high accord?

Prior to the Patriarchy, the number 13 was celebrated as a feminine number. It is the number of moon cycles, which correspond with our menstrual cycles. The moon was also considered female by pre-patriarchy peoples and during our cycles, we were considered to have “divine and magical powers.” In other words, we are pretty powerful bitches during the time we bleed and the patriarchy sure couldn’t have that continuing. If you aren’t yet convinced, ask yourself why we are shamed for a very normal biological process.

I have not yet mentioned that Friday itself is named for the Norse Goddess Freya. I haven’t done my research into what other cultures called that day and how it is linked, but Friday is the English equivalent of Freya (in basic terms). Freya, a female whose name literally meant “Lady,” is described as the most renowned of the Norse goddesses and was patron of love, fertility, battle, and death. It’s the entire cycle of life in many ways. She’s one badass bitch!

So you can see why the Patriarchy claimed Friday, and the number 13, and then got creative with how they stuck it to females everywhere for hundreds of years and then some. I feel compelled to share some other information with you, but ask that if it makes you angry to learn about this sort of thing, that you don’t stay there. Use that anger to fuel positive change, and to fuel gratitude for the fact that now you know.

When God Was a Woman by Merlin Stone – great book that details how the Aryans descended from the Caucasus mountains, brought their god Yahweh, and proceeded to infiltrate and take over the matriarchal societies specifically in Mesopotamia, Egypt, and India. And yes, Merlin Stone is a woman. I actually got this book from the Huntsville library many years ago.

Lisa Lister – Lisa has written many “women’s books” that talk about things like loving your lady landscape (the actual title!), a book that discusses your monthly bleed and how powerful it is to take that back, and another called Witch that talks about the origins of the word (it meant Wise Woman!) and how many millions of women were exterminated over the course of the last several hundred years. Yeah, we didn’t learn millions in school did we? I did some digging – it’s accurate. Lisa has a website and Instagram, and she narrates her own audio books on Audible. They are fantastic!

Dr. Sharon Blackie – she is a Celtic studies expert but also writes about women. Her book If Women Rose Rooted ignited a spark in me and I can’t recommend it enough. I listened on Audible, but it’s in print too.

Rebecca Campbell – Rebecca delves into the mystical, but her book Rise Sister Rise was a clarion call to my soul. I had no idea that I needed it until I listened to it on Audible. She also narrates her own books there. They are fantastic.

Kara Cooney – Kara Cooney is an Egyptologist that has written many books about women in power in ancient Egypt. I enjoy her work and while it’s a different flavor than what I normally read, I love that she is talking about women and the real power dynamics.

And finally, a shout out to one of my local and favorite women’s champions, local artist and women’s champion Cami B. Miller whose studio is the Salty She.

Remember that the divine feminine isn’t only present in women, it’s somewhere inside all men as well. We embody both whether we have embraced them or not.

Tomorrow is Erin’s 7th Angelversary. Please think of me and her daddy tomorrow.

Love and blessings,

Nicole

Aug 06

Into the Fire

Have you ever heard the old adage “Out of the frying pan, into the fire”? Well that’s sort of what I mean, but also I want to quickly remind everyone that not only are we in Leo season (and I’m a Leo!), we are coming up on the 8:8 Lion’s Gate. This is the time of year that we line up with Sirius and that’s important somehow but I can’t remember enough to tell you right now. The Egyptians knew it and so did other ancient cultures, so maybe go look it up. But if anyone is interested, I’ll be happy to do an entire article on that when I’m not quite so scatterbrained.

Many of you who know me well know that we moved 3 years ago last May. We stayed in the same neighborhood, but we had to get out of the home we were in because it was just so painful for us. We otherwise loved our home in the Coventry part of McMullen Cove. We also loved living in McMullen Cove and even though that, and driving past the school, was painful most of the time, it was comfortable for us because the people were so kind. So we found an in-progress house with a builder we thought did a good job. We got outside of our comfort zone and got a much smaller home (by half), and chose different styles of everything than we had chosen ever before. The downsize meant that I had to get rid of half of our stuff, and that included Erin’s toys and a lot of other things. It was a painful but much needed change. I also started a new job with a new company (after 14 years with another one) a few days after we moved.

Well, we got into this house and shit started breaking down nearly immediately. I could bore you with all of that, but I’ll cut to the chase on the big thing. We smelled what I have always called mildew, under our kitchen sink, very early on. We complained about it multiple times, and they kept coming and doing a whole lot of nothing but one thing they did do was drill holes under my sink island. It helped…some…

Fast forward 3 years later, and Shaun and I both had developed tons of health problems. Now keep in mind, we eat really clean, and had begun to eat cleaner since last December when we started seeing our homeopathic practitioner (Sharon Parrish – love her!). We both get regular – sometimes weekly – chiropractic care. We both see other alternative practitioners and in Shaun’s case, he also goes to the medical doctor when something arises. Since living here I’ve had half of my thyroid removed and two joint surgeries (shoulder and knee). I’ve sprained my ankle (weak joint) as well, and after many migraine-reduced or free years I started getting them multiple times a week. Neither of us have drank much alcohol over the past 2 years because we could not withstand the hangovers.

Honestly, we thought that the stress of grieving was finally just killing us. You know, not just Erin but nearly everyone we have ever loved except a couple of folks are all dead. But ok, mostly Erin. We were in pain and in misery a shit ton of the time.

A few months ago our chiropractor was working on Shaun and long story short told him to get the house tested for mold. And we did within a week, and guess what? We had problem levels of a problem mold, Aspergillus. I don’t know what specific kind of Aspergillus it was but guess what? It was right where we told the shitty builder that it was. I felt vindicated, and we bought some air filters and guess what? We immediately started feeling better – normal.

We had a real ordeal having it cleaned, and the insurance would not pay for any of it because it wasn’t related to a leak but to the builder not sealing or putting a barrier down or something. Before you ask, yes we looked into suing the builder but guess what? There is a 2 year statute of limitations and also, there was a whole lot of other hassle so it was easier for us to pay for our mistake of not forcing their hand in the warranty year and just move on. Lessons learned.

One more lesson learned – the local general contractor who removed our island and put it back was evasive about a quote. But they were so nice! Well, my advice to you is to get the quote and who cares if they are nice. Business is business. They charged us $1100 for what was probably a $500 job. We never got a quote, just a bill. Sigh.

Houses in our neighborhood are selling like hotcakes, and since we have had so many problems in this house, we decided it was time to go. We have fixed them all, but the energy and us are just not a match. And it’s a tad smaller than what we need. We tried to go back to 35801 (locals know where that is) but existing houses in our size range were $650K if they needed remodeling! And with no remodel, they were more like $780K+. So here we are now, building our 3rd home in McMullen Cove and yes, for less than $650K. And we sold our house without putting it on the market. Someone who needed it bought it, and they didn’t have to go through a bidding war. We could have gotten more money, but instead we got a win-win and helped someone out. Yay for us!

But wait! There’s more! We can’t move into our new home until next year because it isn’t nearly ready yet. So we are making a huge leap and moving into Belk Hudson Lofts on 9/7. I’m scared to death but excited at the same time! What if it’s loud? What if I start going to bars all the time? (I have no time or energy to be drunk that much. Or to drink that much.) What if I love downtown and don’t want to leave? What if I hate the AT&T internet that I have to switch to? What if my stuff in storage deteriorates? (It’s climate controlled though!) What if the apartment is too small? What if IF? LOL!

This is a huge transitional time for both of us and one thing that has stood out is that NOTHING that we selected so to speak is what we got. But I am sure that we got what we needed. We really wanted to live at the Avenue, but ended up at Belk. I really wanted to keep Google Fiber, but ended up with AT&T. We really wanted to live in 35801 but ended up a mile further into the Cove than we are now. These are small things, really not important on the surface, but they add to the magnitude of the change that my body is processing on a mental and emotional level. I might add that we have been picking out lighting and I found out that I’m tired of the Traditional style and guess what my style choices are categorized as? If you said Transitional, you were right! I didn’t even know that was a thing until this week!

I will leave you with the wise words of the Rolling Stones. You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need. <3

Aug 04

Why Is Joy So Important?

The idea and frequency of Joy keeps coming up, over the years and even more so lately. I mean, it’s everywhere I turn it seems and yet no one in the media or mainstream discussions seem to talk about it at all. And I share with y’all so that maybe, if you are having similar issues or whatever, it will help you find your way.

Three times in the past week I have pulled the Five of Vessels – Ecstasy card from my Wildwood deck. Each time it was shuffled well, and each time the card was the first pulled and was reversed. This card represents the emotion of Joy and being reversed, meant it was clearly about me and what I needed to embrace. I’ve been having a lot of worry regarding “What if” type things. And I’m so slow to recognize a message! I even had someone tell me “well, what if things turned out wonderful?” That’s a great point! Now I just have to rewire my brain to get there.

But this is more than just me, and I know that because look around you at what’s occurring in the world. I am going to go down this road and tell you that “the powers that be” do not want you to be in a state of joy, because it’s more profitable to keep you in a state of fear and worry – and divided and bullying each other about who is right! It also helps them to help themselves because hey, if you are fearful and worrisome you’re more apt to ask them to save you no matter the cost. Look around now and you will see that is what is going on.

I am not telling you I have the entire solution, but apparently, Joy is an important part of keeping ourselves healthy and happy, even in the face of despair and destruction. I’m going to share something I recently got off of FaceBook, posted by someone named Bas Ha:

Hopi Indian Chief White Eagle commented a few days ago on the Kov id situation:

“This moment that humanity is living through can be considered a door or a hole. The decision to fall into the hole or go through the door is yours.

If you consume information 24 hours a day, with negative energy, constantly nervous, with pessimism, you will fall into this hole.

But if you take the opportunity to look at yourself, to rethink life and death, to take care of yourself and others, you will go through the door.

Take care of your home, take care of your body. Connect with your spiritual home. When you take care of yourself, you take care of others at the same time.

Do not underestimate the spiritual dimension of this crisis. Adopt the perspective of an eagle that sees everything from above with a broader vision.

There is a social demand in this crisis, but also a spiritual demand. The two go hand in hand. Without the social dimension, we fall into fanaticism. Without the spiritual dimension, we fall into pessimism and futility.

You are prepared to go through this crisis.

Grab your toolbox and use all the tools at your disposal. Learn to resist by the example of the Indian and African peoples: we have been and continue to be exterminated.

* But we never stopped singing, dancing, lighting fires and having joy.

Don’t feel guilty for feeling lucky in these difficult times. Being sad and without energy doesn’t help at all.

* Resilience is resilience through joy!

You have the right to be strong and positive. You have to maintain a beautiful, cheerful and bright posture.

This has nothing to do with alienation (ignorance of the world). It is a strategy of resistance.

When we walk in the door, we have a new view of the world because we have faced our fears and difficulties.

This is what you can do now:

– Serenity in the storm,

– Keep calm, meditate daily,

– Make a habit of encountering the sacred every day.

Demonstrate resilience through art, joy, trust and love. “

But we never stopped singing and dancing and having joy. That is really powerful! Are you brave enough to embody that? I am putting my best foot forward and invite you to put yours forward with me.

We are being made to fear each other. We fear that others will make us ill, will contaminate us, and that somehow by being in the same space together we are committing crimes against humanity. We are being taught not to question it (like how they had to misspell the illness name above – that was to avoid getting flagged and censored). The “don’t question” attitude zaps my joy more than anything. Seems purposeful.

I am not telling you what to believe. What I am telling you is that there is another way, and that way will lead you out of fear and worry and sadness. Will you have those emotions again? Absolutely. Will you stay there? Not if you can embrace some joy, hope, and love. I mentioned I know this first hand…I have been sad for 7 years now, but I found my joy again and it is one of the things that keeps me going and keeps me loving life. I laugh at silly things and get excited by beautiful things and by things I love to do and experience. Over this time, I have described many times how I still feel joy. I was even given a message about Joy quite awhile ago and wrote an article about making a joyful noise. In fact I apparently wrote about it twice and maybe a third! I’ve told y’all I am slow to respond to my guidance, but I’m finally understanding what they were trying to tell me thanks to the above FaceBook post. Wisdom comes from all around you – don’t discount it when it comes your way!

That’s all for now. Love and blessings <3

Jul 19

Messages from Erin

Buffy and the Red Teletubby

I had already planned to tell you about the Red Teletubby. I assume he has a name, but I don’t know what that is so he’s the Red Teletubby to me.

For two weeks now, while I’ve been working in my new “home office” in our one extra bedroom, Buffy has been clawing at the closet door. That’s not abnormal – she abhors a shut door. But once she got in there she was pawing incessantly at the three garbage bags that hold what remains of Erin’s stuffed animals.

She tore a few holes in one, but last week I noticed that she had torn a big hole in another. Why do I keep letting her in? Try doing something with a persistent cat bugging the living hell out of you and you’ll have your answer.

So anyway, I’m slow. I have already shared with y’all that it took me 4 days of smelling my mother’s “proprietary blend” (LOL) of cigarettes, perfume, and hairspray to say Oh, it’s her. 4 days of that horrible smell because I was too engaged otherwise to be bothered. This is why the universe hits me over the head with logs vs asking me nicely to make changes. You get the picture.

I noticed two days ago that there were red legs hanging out of the bag. She had pulled legs all the way out of the bag. But red legs could have been anyone. They could have been the stuffie that was her last Valentine’s present, or any number of dudes that I have forgotten about since I stored the memories away for safe keeping.

Yesterday, I was in here looking for something for a headache online. I’m not supposed to take OTC meds so I was avoiding a phone call to my homeopath, googling what to take for sinus congestion and headache. I also am too lazy to lug my laptop around the house so leave it on a portable desk, which I am also too lazy to lug around the house. Nonetheless, the key word here is headache – I felt crummy and again, didn’t quite get it the first time when Buffy scratched, then started tearing that bag, and I yanked out the red legs to find Red Teletubby.

I had started to suspect that Erin and Buffy were talking to each other but didn’t attend to that thought any further until that moment. Still, I didn’t feel good, so I put Red on the bed and kept moving. It wasn’t until later that I came back to find Buffy semi-snuggled up to it on the bed.

And then later I realized why it was Red, and then this morning why now.

It wasn’t that Red Teletubby was that special to Erin. She had all 4 of them, and she had probably 150 stuffies or maybe more if you can believe that. She loved each of them and they all had names. She had so much stuff that her Daddy used to try to get her to donate to charity, and when she was little she agreed – once. She gave Cookie Monster and Ernie away in a charity run and then a few days later, she cried and cried and cried some more until I went out and bought them again. She had such a tender heart and she loved every one and every thing. I am not kidding about that – she LOVED. Period.

One day a few years later I came home to find out that she had traded Red for some sort of Barbie RV with her friend AF who lived on the street behind us. I was afraid of what would happen, so I made her take $20 from her piggy and go buy Red back and also give the RV back. I just couldn’t take seeing her so upset and beside herself. I have fact checked myself on this and I don’t remember any other stuffie besides Red being involved. Maybe another Teletubby was involved, but the point is that your loved ones give you messages that you will immediately get. Or in my case, semi-immediately after you pay attention.

Well, I thought it was nice to hear from her and even nicer with Buffy involved (Buffy was Erin’s cat), but finally opened email this morning from One Drive, who has been sending me memories for the last few weeks. (When did that start? Anyone else?). 7 years ago yesterday we were in Riverside, Iowa. We had just left the children’s hospital that we had visited and were on our way to spend the night with Erin’s BFF, AKS, who had briefly moved to Illinois. We were at the StarTrek museum in Riverside and visited the birth place of James Tiberius Kirk. I was clearly more into all of that than Shaun and Erin were and honestly, it sort of ruined it for me later due to the circumstances.

Erin never spent another night at home because we drove straight to Huntsville, packed more things, and left for her final visit to Children’s in Birmingham having zero idea that she was dying and wouldn’t come back home. Even after 7 years, it kills me to write those words. I have to make sure that when I feel so much pain that I remember to tell Erin to keep visiting, and keep sending me messages, and to please not stop just because it’s painful for me. It’s even more painful to go months without hearing from her or seeing her while I lucid dream.

Grieving parents especially need to see those signs from our babies. I know one mother who gets nickels. Sometimes her son sends many of them in a day or two period, just randomly placed in her path. Maybe the beautiful butterfly who visited my home yesterday was also a messenger from Erin. She loved butterflies and had them all over her room.

Thank you for listening to my Erin story, and I hope that if you’re missing someone this gives you hope that they are somewhere just out of reach, but still looking in on us.

#missingerin <3

Jul 16

Churning and Burning

I admit it’s an odd title, but bear with me here. Last week I visited Angela Hart, who is a local (to Huntsville) Shamanic Practitioner. You’re probably asking “What is that?” Well, go to her website and read up!

It was my second visit with her. I met Angela in 2019 when she held a Shamanic Journeying workshop at the Dream Maker where she talked about the (north) American path (there is also a Peruvian path). It was very interesting and I connected with her because, well, she’s such a nice lady.

During my first appointment, I was taken by how deep into a meditative state that I went while she worked with her “team” of guides, my team, the ancestors, the elements, etc. to heal me. I had a lot of baggage so to speak and 2.5 hours later when it was over, I remembered bits and pieces but it was almost like I had been asleep or only 5 minutes had passed. I hadn’t been asleep though! I could remember her speaking and even seeing myself patiently sitting in a little room (not physically – in my mind’s eye). It took me a few months to integrate all of that, but the one thing I felt was lighter. Like I had let go of a ton of baggage. I wasn’t as sad anymore. It was freeing!

I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to work on during my last appointment but I knew it was time to have one. I am in a state of transition in several different ways in my physical life, and it feels like standing in the mud not knowing where to go or how to get out of it. I don’t like being in a holding pattern with no where to land. I’m also weary of “drama” type situations, and did wonder when that would settle down in my life. I don’t feel like I create them but damn, they are everywhere. Turns out I am a master at dealing with change, so I guess now I am taking my PhD course in it. LOL

I left this last appointment with a strong knowing that I was attracting the right job, the right home, the right everything to me now, and that my vibration (frequency) has changed enough that a change was needed. I seem to still be in transition though, and that’s hard knowing good things are coming but aren’t here yet.

But I feel so good! Which is why I’m telling you about the experience today. I feel lighter again, and like I can take on the world. Even in a few challenging situations I felt good and not negative towards anyone or even the situation.

One neat thing to report is that the spirit of Water came in during my session and cleansed me. And at least 3 times since, when I got ready to do something challenging in my personal life, it has rained. It took me a minute each time to flip the script from “Oh no, rain” to “Oh my! Rain!” but I was able to recognize it and show my gratitude. I have also had other human helpers show up recently during a few challenging situations, helpers that were unexpected. I felt like they were lighting my way.

Each time that my “seas” start churning, and I can roll with it, it’s burning away what I no longer need to carry. Burning away the baggage, the negative stuff that no longer serves me. I’ve been doing tons of churning and burning lately!

I know I said I was going to write more often, but I had to get through this stuff first. Deep healing is transformational and sometimes you cannot transform without cocooning. I hope to be a beautiful butterfly some day <3

Jun 24

Yes, You ARE Receiving Messages from the Universe

This morning a friend chatted with me about a recent experience, which prompted me to send her the link to my “guide talk” page. I didn’t think much about it but it suddenly dawned on me that literally all of us receive messages “guiding” us on a daily basis, and most of us dismiss those messages.

People think this is a formal deal and has to be hard. That is absolutely not so. How many times have you been down or thinking of someone, and the perfect song comes on the radio? Or you get a gut feeling about something that turns out to be true? (Psst…your gut is your internal guidance system!) Maybe you’re thinking of a deceased loved one and smell their perfume, or something similar. These are just some of the ways that you receive messages from someone or some energy that isn’t a physical human speaking to you.

You’ve noticed that I use terms that are more broad and general, but you can call it whatever makes you comfortable. Some people call it God, some say they hear from their angels, or their guides, or their ancestors. Maybe it’s their subconscious. And maybe these are all true and different sources, or maybe it’s the same source – Source! But we get helpful nudges and information and our physical bodies do receive it. Then it’s up to us to act.

If you want to take a more active role and connect, use the link I posted above. You will learn that your brain (hardware) and your imagination (software) work together to make sense of things. That’s why if you always associate red balloons with your Aunt Margie you will know when you see them all day that Aunt Margie is trying to get your attention. You have to have it in your database so to speak for it to be meaningful. Then you need to become comfortable with visualization, which isn’t hard. You will always know when something pops in spontaneously and no, you didn’t make it up.

Trust me, even those of us who are well-versed get messages we ignore. I once smelled my mother’s blend of cigarette smoke, perfume, and hairspray (which I HATED growing up as it permeated the house in the mornings) for 4 days until it dawned on me what it was. I acknowledged her and in a few hours, it was gone. FOUR DAYS. LOL!

Do non-positive spirits communicate? Yes, they do, but you should know the difference. Positive energy will never tell you to do unhealthy or negative things, or give you scary messages. Not that some information won’t be scary. For instance, the gut instinct to not get on that plane may be telling you don’t get on the plane! That is information though, not telling you to do or say something harmful.

While we’re at it, don’t discount your dreams. Even symbolic dreams are telling you something you need to know. If you have a lucid dream or receive a direct message, write it down. It was important!

This is a fun topic, so maybe I’ll get some comments.

Love and blessings,

Nicole