Jul 10

The Power of Regret

Regret (verb)…to feel sad or sorry about something that you did or did not do. How many times have you said to yourself “Oh I will regret that!” or that you have felt regret, but kept going the same direction you were? Probably many times. I know that I have over a lifetime. I regret not visiting my grandparents more often and getting to know them better. I regret the amount of time I have wasted, not having an A average in school (because I couldn’t be bothered to put some effort there), wasting money, and so on.

Still, with all of that stuff I wish I had done differently, I admitted each time that “That just isn’t me, and I would have done the same could I do it over again.” I was still somewhat sad, but OK with the decisions I had made to act in whatever way applied. Nothing life changing had happened yet.

When Erin died, almost immediately a deep feeling of regret set in. Not only did I feel regret, I felt it in full color 3D IMAX moving picture quality. I didn’t just have memories, I had movies. Really. Couple that with the PTSD I began having, and my waking hours were a living nightmare for many months. I still experience the PTSD by the way.

I do not, however, experience more than a remembrance of regret. It changed me deeply, on levels that I can barely begin to communicate to you about. I am painfully aware of my short comings, and of things I left undone, unsaid, done badly, etc. Everything that I wished I had done differently was there, all at once. It hurt the very core of my being, and it sucked. Yeah, it sucked.

My grief therapist incorrectly assumed that what I initially felt was guilt, but nope it was regret. But then the guilt set in and it was absolutely appropriate for the things I felt guilty about. Guilt is responsibility for a crime or something done that was bad or wrong. Well, at the least, I could have done many things better. But you know, life gets in the way sometimes of us being present and of feeling.

The pain I have felt, well, I would not give it back because it has reshaped who I am. And now I am better than I was. A better person I mean, with a different perspective. Now I can celebrate that in the sense that I no longer have to carry the deep emotions of regret and guilt on a daily basis. Things still hurt, but I have found the value and let that stuff go for the most part.

You heard me say for the most part. Sometimes our lessons and teachers arrive in manners that we cannot understand unless we have the eyes to see. I have been talking to some friends about compassion here and there. A higher dimensional definition of compassion for someone means that you have empathy and understanding, but that you allow the person to feel their own pain, and take responsibility and experience their own consequences. Why? It’s theirs, not yours, to take on. Actually, Jelaila Starr already has a fabulous article that explains the differences between what she calls 3D compassion and 5D compassion. Even if I’ve just confused you, read her article. It really is fabulous.

Well, enter Regret once again. This morning I was faced with two scenarios, being experienced by others, who I assume may be facing regret today. I don’t want to get into specifics and discuss my opinions of those people so I will leave it at that. But I gotta tell you, I am having a hard time with one of them walking my talk on compassion. Hell, I feel I am carrying regret for them and I am so, so sorry for their experience. Ultimately though, I can only offer my support and kindness, which I have done.

I don’t quite know what I am to get out of being the compassionate observer today, but it’s “in my face” and so, I will rise to greet it. I do know that I have seen very few humans change their perspectives, and patterns, without devastating change. And that is if they make it out and don’t spiral farther down. I include myself in this. Whatever I am meant for, I can tell you that to save my daughter I would have sold every last one of you out to anyone. And so I had to be made to let her go so that whatever is coming, can come unimpeded. I had to lose it all. I get it. It makes sense in the cosmic scheme of things. I have a renewed belief in miracles, and by belief I mean an unshakable knowing in my heart. Anything is possible. Anything can happen. And I used to tell Erin that all the time. Now I believe it in a way that I never imagined possible.

So with that said, I will leave you to your day of magic, surprises, and kindness. And I will wish for you that if you have potential regrets, it clicks for you so that you don’t’ have to experience pain and loss to get it. But if you do, I’m here for you.

Blessings, Love, and Namaste. And always #missingerin <3

 

Jul 04

Let It Go

I wish that I could coherently describe, or even formulate in my brain, the phases of change that I have gone through just in the last 3 months. I know that a few weeks ago I was transmuting. Now, the definition of transmute is to completely change the form, appearance, or nature of (someone or something). So what I was carrying on the inside emotionally and mentally, in the same spirit as alchemy I transmuted it into something new. I began making my new story in other words.

Now for those of you who have known me and my esoteric work for a long time, you know that I have done a lot of emotional clearing. It’s not hard to figure out the mechanics, a little harder to make yourself face and figure out your issues, and it gets to be a bitch when you realize you have multiple layers like an onion to peel. But this is something new, and something that I can’t quite put into words. My team has repeatedly shown me though that it’s literally dismantling every molecule of something and putting it back together into different forms. You can apply this to the physical, mental, emotional, etc. I know – a lot to wrap your mind around. Honestly if the visuals hadn’t been pounded into my psyche, I may not even understand enough to write.

But this week…the theme is Let it Go. More specifically, Let it Flow. Maybe both, but it’s definitely a flow. Of course as soon as that theme was given I was bombarded in my mind with the song from Frozen. That was a little upsetting since Erin loved it so much. But the theme is there and I want to share some of the interesting things happening with me this past week or so.

When I got back from the beach, I had an issue immediately with Erin’s laptop. I’ve been using her laptop since it was virtually brand new last year. Well it stopped charging, and since I’m in IT, I figured out it was the DC power jack. That’s the input hole where you plug the cord into the laptop, and DC stands for Direct Current. Well, symbolically I suppose all of my transmuting shorted it out. It’s also physically attached to the Mother Board. See the synchronicities?

Well the next thing that has happened is that my debit card was compromised somehow. The bank asked yesterday if I had used my card at Schnuck’s grocery in St Louis. Nope, and they cancelled my card. A few things there…that was my card that Erin picked out with the cute kitty on it. Makes me somewhat sad and I plan to keep the card. But St Louis? Geez, that comes up a shit load. We visited there last year with Erin – went to the arch and the museum below but didn’t go up in the arch. We also visited the zoo before leaving to go to her appointment in Iowa. My newest favorite beer, Shock Top, is bottled in St Louis. After a year break a show I like which has a lot of stuff inserted into it – Defiance – came back on and it is built over Old St Louis (see the show for details). The arch was just blown up. So I looked at the esoteric meaning of St Louis and found this page: Stellar St Louis. Stuff I never knew. I have no idea what it all means but it keeps popping up for me and has meaning.

And my mother showed up again yesterday or the day before. I smelled her perfume/hairspray/smoke smell. No idea what she wanted. No communication, just the smell. I have transmuted my feelings towards her, but I have not let it go. I always told her I will never let you off the hook for your actions. What I meant was that I have forgiven you, but you still did these things, and you have to take responsibility. I will not absolve you. Well, I guess I have to let that go because otherwise I am carrying the burden of making her responsible. And you know, I can’t do that. I can never force her to do that, only she can. Hopefully she is healing that stuff on her side of the veil.

Then last night, I had the strong feeling and thought that I could finally grieve my brother in law Greg. If I had been home when I had that, I would have finally cried and let all of that out. I miss him. I miss his sense of humor, his good heart, and his company.

I read a lot of metaphysical stuff about the New Earth. Now whatever that is, it makes sense that I cannot arrive and live on New Earth without transmuting and letting go. I heard Erin this morning say goodbye. I know there is a meaning for me to find, and it’s not the same goodbye that I heard the night she died. It did freak me out though! I was like what? Not to you! But then I knew I had a rabbit hole to jump down and it has to do with the move into something new, different, more harmonious. Other than that I don’t know what I am talking about. LOL! I guess I should also consider the synchronicity of this occurring on the date of the Declaration of Independence. There is certainly a lot of symbolism there.

Wish me luck with my letting go. I hope not too many more things break on me this week! Namaste, #missingerin and #missingunclegreg, and Happy 4th of July!

Jun 29

Focus on…Kindness

And welcome back to another episode of “Nicole cannot focus on one thing no matter how hard she tries.” Wow, I bet some scientist somewhere would have a field day with me these last few days. I have a million light bulbs going off at once, so many that I cannot even fathom what they are. If they ever filter down to my conscious mind, maybe I’ll be another Nikola Tesla.

The one thing that I would like to focus on today, though, is kindness. In the past few weeks I have witnessed so many who are so hung up on arguing their point, on making themselves right and another wrong, that they have forgotten to be kind. Yes, forgotten. I am certain that most of the people in the world are not intentionally mean to others. Nope, they just forget to be kind in the midst of whatever it is they are trying to do.

I promise you that I can argue with you in a nice way, provide some facts and then agree to disagree. All without calling you names, belittling you, or out right telling you how uninformed and stupid you are. But I can also do just the opposite. If you’ve ever been questioned in court, you know how that feels, yet we do it to each other across the world every day. Instead of the high road, we get on the high horse. It feels good for a minute while we slam dunk into the basket of self-righteousness doesn’t it! Yeah! But then, you hit a lower than low, if you have any emotion at all, when you realize what you have done to your opponent.

Well, that is how it makes me feel. Many years ago I was a different Nicole. I was an ass. A smart ass…I mean intelligent ass (and a smart ass too), and I could crush you in an argument with facts and figures, and psychologically too. I am not proud of that, and I have lost my knack because it feels awful to make others feel that way. In fact it’s very distasteful to me to beat people down for any reason at all. Right or wrong doesn’t matter.

On that note, I don’t need to be right anymore. What you think doesn’t affect my life at all. What I think/know/believe is for me to deal with and expand on each and every day. Should I ever think I have all of the answers, I will only be showing my ignorance. Deep stuff eh? My truth, doesn’t have to be yours.

It costs us nothing to be kind. And I promise that it feels good. Try it out once today, for me or in honor of someone you love.

All of this said, I will step up if someone else is being mistreated and try to stop it. Then things might get ugly. I will probably apologize to you later even if my words or behavior was warranted. It’s the kind thing to do.

My guides/team asked me to focus on focusing, and since it seems this topic has kept my focus, I guess I’m on the right track! Have a kind and love filled day good people of the world! Namaste and always #missingerin <3

 

Jun 25

Back from Vacation and Full of Thoughts

So much to say! I just spent several days at the beach, and the days leading up to the trip were so busy I did not write much of anything. I did, however, process a lot. For those of you new to my terminology, I mean that I had a lot of stuff going on mentally and emotionally. It was productive and exciting.

I wish that I could adequately communicate to everyone who isn’t me, LOL, exactly what that stuff is/was. Let me just say that I believe in what most would call miracles and the amazing, and that I am slowly finding my way to my path. I’m not prepared to say “Hey thanks Erin for dying and helping me to experience grief,” but I am starting to understand some things that probably no one else can understand about what has occurred in my life. So I’ll just keep that under my hat, but tell you that it is the reason for the change in my energy.

I’m also working with an amazing group of people whom I have been calling my meditation group, as well as people I have worked with for ages already. If you ever read about group meditations for this or that (often world peace, or something), the energies of many put together can really change our reality. The idea behind meditation and/or prayer is the same – focused intent. In either case, one may call upon various others such as gods or angels or ascended masters, or they may not. The focus of their intent is like a huge wave of energy. My preference is to ask for the best possible outcome, and I rarely ask anything for myself. It would be absolutely selfish and ignorant of me to ask the Universe to help my team win a ballgame, or for me to pass a test, or anything for personal gain. I could certainly ask for a friendly energy to walk with me during an experience, but not for an outcome. I often ask for things for others or for the Earth as a whole, as long as it is in accordance with the divine plan and the best interest of all. We never truly know what that is, until after we are able to see the outcomes.

Unsure why I got off on that topic – I didn’t mean to.

So moving on, I can offer some clarity both for myself and anyone else who cares on my journey at this time. I have had some of the best advice, which I may have mentioned, about letting go of the old story. That is what I am doing – I am in my new story. I have been, I had just been holding on to the old story. I meditate more often now than ever, and the other day when I was reaching out to touch Erin’s spirit, we were talking about when we would meet again. She said, Mommy, I will be the same but different. I said, hmmm…I am the same but different too. She and I both have new stories that the old one set us up for, and regardless of how closely linked we were and remain now, we are like the Bionic Man in that we are new, better, etc. Whatever the show intro said! I happen to believe that anything is possible, and that it is no coincidence that shows like Resurrection and The Returned are now on TV. There – I said it. Call me crazy if you want to. Someone once said the Earth revolved around the Sun, and when he did, he was nearly killed for it. Let’s just be clear – ANYTHING is possible. It always has been.

On that note I want to throw this out there for those of us who like synchronicity. I had a lovely experience the day of the Solstice. I knew it hit our time zone at 11:39 am and guess what? I was sitting there waiting for my food and the waitress said what time is it? and I looked and it was exactly 11:39am. That was also the day that I got such a bad blister on the bottom of my foot that I woke up with it throbbing during the night and could hardly walk the next day. Shaun’s feet got blisters elsewhere. What is wrong with our feet?! It’s not like we have ever walked a long way, or worn shoes before. We both got blisters on our last trip too (to Nashville). I still have to figure the symbolism out on that one but it is worth noting.

And lastly, I have been using Erin’s laptop for the last several months. It works fine – great little notebook. Well, when I came back from our trip and plugged the power cord back in, the DC connector jack no longer works. It worked fine on Friday, and I didn’t use it over the weekend because I only used the battery. I can’t help but think the Solstice had something sneaky to do with that as well, and I have to look up the symbolism. Symbolism speaks to us every day! So make sure you are paying attention! It’s like getting a sign from God or whoever. What’s that about eyes to see and ears to hear? 🙂

I suppose that is all for now. When I lose my train of thought I know that I have written whatever it was that I needed to write. Have a fabulous day, Namaste, and #missingerin <3

Jun 10

The Word

I had a rough day yesterday in regards to lessons, coming at me fast and furious. It exhausted me truthfully. Left me feeling raw and vulnerable.

Reopening myself to growth, truth, and a higher vibration of being sort of opened the floodgates. I am amazed at how quickly the lessons have come and how clearly I have seen them, and how fast. Recognizing that there is in fact something being shown to you is one part, then you have to understand it, then decide to do something about it. But then…then you have to remember IN THE MOMENT that you are triggered next time to ACT. So you see, it’s not so easy to just change a habit or a pattern. It actually takes some work and dedication. Which is why most people never change. Hey, I never said it was easy or wonderful.

The first thing that I did was to go into a meditation, which was supposed to involve my “team mate” Dede (we are working on the same thing, so we teamed up). Well what did Nicole do? I didn’t involve my team mate at all. In fact, I left her out of the whole damn thing that I did. I was ashamed, perplexed, and told her in all sincerity that I should remove team player from my resume. Geez.

Then yesterday, I reverted back into an old subconscious pattern that I have regarding communication. I realized that I had something scheduled that would be during mine and Shaun’s “off time,” meaning time that we are home together and usually do something together, or fix dinner, or whatever. And it’s not that I can’t schedule anything during that time…it’s more that in 43 years I am still learning how to get my needs met in a mature way that doesn’t involve some dysfunctional behavior. I forgot to tell him about the appointment, and sprung it on him at the last minute. Well that DID result in an argument and I have to take full responsibility for my lack of communication. But that’s not the best part!

Turns out, the appointment was on my calendar for a time an hour earlier than originally scheduled. It involved 3 people via WebEx, and one was Mountain Time, me Central Time, and another Eastern Time. So not only did I cause an argument through poor communication, but I had the wrong time (due to poor communication), and then I had to cancel, impacting two other people. Yes, geez.

At this point I was completely exhausted, and when I tried to edit a FB post, it started all over again. I tried to remove a line of text FOUR TIMES from a post. Each time, hitting Delete or Back would back me up to the previous page I was at in the browser. Finally I managed to complete that. Double geez.

I suppose that I can add to this that I am really not ready to use my voice – i.e., talk on the phone – for personal reasons. If it’s business I flip a mental switch and I’m here, but I cringe at having to speak to someone verbally. Wow at that revelation. I have some major things I am working on right now.

The fact that I saw these things pop out at me, well I am feeling good about that. But I’m still not sure what to do. I think, though, that using my voice – my presence of mind – is part of it. Not the ego part of me, that little child who thinks she never gets what she wants, but my essence. Yeah, that’s it! I want to stop and thank you all for listening to me so that I could get to this revelation!

Everything is a vibration. You are probably familiar with the scripture, from Genesis I think, that says that in the beginning, there was the word. The word – whether it be spoken (i.e., SOUND/VIBRATION), or thought (which is also a wave/vibration!) The act of creation embodied by the story of “let there be light” is also the act of a vibrational tone. I am seeing this so clearly now, that I think I get why I needed to see this relationship between communication (voice/thought) and intent. We use our hardware (vocal chords and/or brain) to enact it. Wow again – this is just what my guidance team has shown me in meditation – Idea(s) + Mechanics + Focused Intent = Bringing Spirit into Matter. Wow.

I think I better stop there…I’m on a roll and don’t want to do anything to jeopardize this clarity!

Woo hoo, and Namaste. And always #missingerin

Jun 09

Trust and Faith

One definition of faith is a strong belief or trust in someone or something. Over the last several days, specifically yesterday, I am being asked to trust in what I know and feel. That may sound odd, but oddly, things I would tell you and feel with conviction telling you, I doubt when I am alone with my own thoughts.

Questioning yourself or others isn’t necessarily a problem. In fact, I learned long ago – and would admonish you too – not to have blind trust or faith in anyone or anything. At the very least you need to use your gut instinct, or intuition, before making a leap. But what I am talking about is a self-doubt that keeps me from moving from my old story to the new. Rather, to the NOW.

It’s interesting that at the time I am having this personal crisis that I started to see messages pop up on this subject as if they were written just for me. I want to share one with you, as I found it most relevant.

There are people who are very much interested in the old. They are past-oriented. They believe in something only if it is very old. The older it is, they think, the better it is. All that is old is gold for them. They go on trying to prove that their scripture is the oldest scripture in the world, their religion the most ancient.

There is another group of people who think the new is always better than the old because it is new.

It is more evolved, more improved, more refined.

These are the two kinds of people; both go on missing the truth. One is past-oriented, the other is future-oriented; and truth exists now, neither in the past nor in the future.

-Rajneesh

Quoted from the Galactic Free Press Newsletter 6/8/2015

That’s pretty simple and pretty deep at the same time. Truth exists now. I am doubting my truth – yet it exists now so where am I living? I certainly cannot move to any future if I am not yet in the now.

I got another newsletter today from Lisa Gawlas, and it said this:

Our spiritual teams will allow us to believe anything we need to believe.

That’s because we have free will, ya know. And sometimes we delude ourselves to avoid pain, suffering, etc. I am afraid that I am believing a bunch of BS – doesn’t matter what it is – because my world was so shaken up when Erin died that I need to believe there is a method to the madness and something wonderful coming on the other side of the darkness. So on a daily basis, sometimes several times a day, I re-examine my entire Belief System (or BS – hehehe). Which again, is not inherently bad, but the self-doubt is really bringing me down.

Then I opened YouTube this morning, and I found that the AscensionPioneers channel had posted Leap of faith: Mastering Choice. Wow. I think I am finally getting the message. That’s step 1. Step 2 is internalizing it and putting it into practice.

I want to stop a second and say that I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. Perhaps not reasons that we can all get behind, or that make us feel good, but a reason. Even our free-will choices add up to big changes eventually, and in some cases could change the course of history. One has to wonder if free will is just an illusion, and if fate and destiny have more pull on us than we realize or would like to believe.

The other day I wrote about knowing that I did not want to be the person I was before Erin died, and so therefore I know that I cannot desire the past. I have to desire a new and different present and future. In new age terms, I suppose I could say that I need to leave the old Earth behind and firmly plant my feet on the new Earth, in the new reality. And speaking of Ascension Pioneers, well I have been given a challenge that I can hardly believe I am capable of pulling off. If I am able to find faith in myself, and in creation itself, then I suppose I will help pioneer the new and miraculous. Part of that is holding a vibration of balance, and desire but not longing. That’s a tough order in and of itself.

That’s my challenge for this week. I will be faking it until I’m making it and not saying I hope, I think, or anything of that sort. It will be I know. I believe. I trust.

Namaste, and wish me well at anchoring that into my being!

#missingerin

Jun 02

Being Open to Receiving the Gift

I am writing with no title in mind this morning, but I know exactly what I want to say, which is a bit of a switch. I feel like I need to ease you into it, but why? Let’s just get right down to business.

I’ve been working with a wonderful group of people in a 5 week meditation superpowers class. Yep, superpowers, and each of us has discovered more of who we are and who we are becoming both as individuals and together. It has been tremendously rewarding and comforting in ways that I can’t quite describe.

After some anxiety during and after Sunday’s class, I was asked to transmute some remaining bitterness that I had regarding my relationship with my mother. The key word is transmute – not let go of. By transmuting, you change the energy into something different. It’s the same concept as in alchemy changing lead to gold. Transmutation of anything is possible if you know how to do it. You need to know how to deconstruct and recombine the ingredients of course, and maybe you have to add or take away some. But you change it and then it is something entirely different. In this case, I was able to see the gift (value) and really feel it. My heart chakra then transmuted the lower emotions into appreciation and love.

This same day, I had also been asked if I wanted to keep living my old story, or if I wanted a new one. Basically, do I want to be stuck in the past or move forward? Moving forward doesn’t mean that I cannot keep Erin, but it sure felt that way for a long time. I really didn’t understand until that light bulb went on.

I have to interject here and note that I have said before that I will search for Erin across time and space until I can be with her again, and I mean that. You may be reading thinking that “Wow, she’s one crazy lady” and that’s fine if you do. I truly mean to accomplish that even if I don’t yet know how and when. I have a determined spirit and am open to the miraculous. I don’t have to understand how, when, or why. I would like to, but I’m ok with not having to know everything. It was this goal, or mission, in mind that gave me a huge breakthrough.

Suddenly I realized that I have gained a shit ton of clarity via the deep, dark emotion of regret. Oh my gosh, you have no idea! In an instant I can be reminded of 3-4 things that happened between Erin and I, and how I could have handled it better or kinder, and it kills me! When I say reminded, it plays like an HD movie in my mind, word for word and scenery and all. I have spent months wallowing in shame and anger at myself, and telling Erin how sorry that I am for this or for that. It has changed me deeply. I hear myself speaking differently to Shaun or someone else, mostly kinder and less harsh. I feel more understanding and patience for situations and things in general. I have gained clarity, and have changed my reactions, behavior, and my actions. And with that said, why would I want what was in the past? The stressed out person who was so blind to what a gift that she had is gone. She died when Erin died. I don’t want that person back, and when I do reunite with Erin, I do not want to reunite as I was. I am different now, something more.

When I realized that, I instantly transmuted a lot of the regret that I had been holding on to. I mean, what a hard lesson to learn!! But I got it and I am pretty sure that I passed the test. Even my mother helped me to learn this lesson during her illness. I just hadn’t quite gotten it yet.

Yes, I still miss Erin terribly, but the longing isn’t so bad as it was when I was still so deep into the regret. I know that even positive change is sometimes accompanied by great destruction. In this case, the inner Me has been destroyed and reconstructed multiple times, each time being something more than it was the time before that. And I think that is at least part of the point of putting on these human clothes and suffering here on Earth for a lifetime. Well, I’m going to hold on to that for a while and see where it takes me.

Namaste, #missingerin, and have a wonderful day <3

 

 

May 20

Black Days

Yes, that’s a throwback to the Soundgarden song and how I am feeling. It’s a crappy day when you cry the entire ride to and from the gym, and then some after you get back in the house. Let me share the first bit of the lyrics with you…

Whatsoever I’ve feared has come to life
Whatsoever I’ve fought off became my life
Just when everyday seemed to greet me with a smile
Sunspots have faded and now I’m doing time
Cause I fell on black days

They follow up with “How would I know that this could be my fate?” Indeed.

Today is a day I have dreaded for over a week at least, since it came to the forefront of my mind. This morning was the bridging ceremony for the Hampton Cove Elementary School 5th Grade, and school will be out in 2 days. It brings more finality, and more pain, to my already miserable life. (See, I told you I had fell on black days.)

I do want to share a picture of what her class did in memory of her for their 5th grade legacy project, which was a chandelier. I haven’t seen the whole thing, but thank you to Paula H. for sending me the picture.

5thGradeChandelierHer friends know her well, as she absoutely loved fairies. I think this one may be one I am supposed to know, but someone will have to remind me which one.

Also, thank you Paula H. for passing on our sentiments to her classmates, their parents, and the faculty this morning assuming you were able to do so. That is very painful for us to even think about but we appreciate your kindness so much for doing so.

I am still doing everything I can to be all that I can be, and I seem to be making progress. But how can I really make progress with such little joy? I guess that’s the million dollar question. And when I figure that out, I will cure depression and make billions that I will share with everyone I cured. Hey, I haven’t lost my sense of humor yet.

So the school year has passed, everyone is moving on with their lives but Shaun and I, and we are both crying in our cornflakes. That about sums it up. And I swear I had more things to say than this, but I am do darn sad today that I have lost whatever that was. Oh, I’m currently engaged in some thought provoking reading about quantum physics and the nature of consciousness, but that wasn’t it. Puppy has a new bone, but that wasn’t it either. I guess today I will just focus on doing the best that I can do.

I will upload this picture to the Missing Erin site so that her friends far and wide can see it. Thanks everyone for your continued kindness and support.

Namaste, and #missingerin

May 16

Dumping Some Discordant Energies

I began writing this yesterday and got sidetracked so many times that I thought I would remember what I wanted to say, but alas, I do not. I did keep what I wanted to include though, and I hope it’s not too disjointed for you all to follow.

I have had an immensely hard time this week. Emotionally, of course, but usually that manifests itself in your physical world too and in my case, it did. I have manifested a few angry people around me and at least one physical injury (it’s a little fuzzy – who knows what I experienced this week). On Wednesday I walked in from a quick lunch errand, and decided to feed the birds. I have a two level concrete porch, and the bird seed jug was on the higher level. Well I picked it up, and walked right into the column of the patio umbrella that was laying down on the upper part of the porch. It clipped me and I went flying, much like Wonder Woman. I skinned both palms, both knees (the left one pretty good), and managed to sprain my right ankle and foot. But when I landed, I thought Hmmm, I’m OK. I had expected much worse!

One of the byproducts of this week, though, has been delving deeper into Me. I’ve been doing the Superpowers course with Lisa Gawlas of course, and that it teaching me to do more than a drive by when I go within. I don’t ask enough questions typically, running mentally to my next idea or interest and leaving just the surface skimmed. So I am learning to really know my Self, and what I am discovering through what could be called hypnosis or guided meditation. I have said many times, both to tell you and to remind myself, that if I had to experience such horrible sorrow in this life then I am not going to let it be in vain. There is some reason for this, and so let me not have to repeat it. I owe it to myself and to Erin to get it right. There is no one to save me – I have to rise up and save myself.

I feel as if I’m making progress on that front, at least, this past week. That’s not to say that I am not sad, because I am much of the time, but I am able to use it to remember to work harder and stay the course.

An suddenly now I know what I needed to say today. Two things actually.

The first is, that it occurred to me in deep thought yesterday that when something life changing, upsetting, traumatic, or sorrowful happens in your life, you should questions everything. Question your beliefs, your faith if that applies, what you do for your career – everything. People will tell you to have faith, to take comfort in this and that, and the truth is they are just saying those things to make you and themselves feel better. But you know what? I see so many people suffering and the same old same old isn’t helping them one damn bit. What’s wrong with examining how you are believing or doing and then, when you put the pieces back together, making sure they are healthy and work for you? Nothing at all. As you know I am not religious but I have a myriad of spiritual beliefs, and even psychotherapy training (not at university), and I gotta tell you that none of it prepared me for what I faced and am facing. And at first, I turned my back on it completely. All of it. My attitude was fuck you, fuck it, whatever. I did everything life and the universe asked of me to grow and be a better person and I get this? And then I had over a week’s worth of dead silence. No guidance, no connection to anything or anyone, nothing.

But what I realized was that I am not set up to be stagnant and like it or not, I was going to move forward. So I had to take a good long look at what I believed, what I knew even, and how I felt about my life. I am still rebuilding Me and only putting the pieces that I really like back into this puzzle. I still don’t know how I feel about nutrition for instance. I took damn good care of Erin, and we were always very careful with her regarding safety, chemicals, etc. Lot of good it did us. She ended up with goddamn lymphoma. Fate and destiny did what they wanted to do regardless of us eating organic. So yeah, I don’t have all of the answers but I am at least taking a good hard look at my questions and perceptions.

Something else, and that is that even if you are religious, I think the idea would be that God needs your participation right? So your faith is not going to make you feel better. You will have to figure out how to incorporate that into your beliefs but you still have to DO something. It’s not just going to rain down on you from above. I know there are some fundamental differences between religion and not, but the point is we are all given the tools and we need to participate in our own healing. Just make sure you remember that.

And lastly, I just have to get this off of my chest. One of the things that I take issue with, but don’t have the answer(s) to, is the whole bunch of spiritual beliefs regarding death and suffering. I see teachings all of the time reminding us that death is an illusion, the soul lives forever, suffering is in our own minds, this reality is an illusion, etc. I could go on and on. The one thing that these things never address is mourning, grief, and the devastation that the death of someone close to you can have on your life. I will tell you, I have had much hardship in my 43+ years. Much. So much that it would either bore you or overwhelm you to hear about. But I have and can move past it. I have developed understanding and a damn good toolset to deal with things. But not this. And no one has an answer on how to deal with this, or if they do, well, they haven’t experienced it. Maybe that will be my contribution to the world, but honestly, I have no answer(s). And it irritates the hell out of me to see someone address world suffering or whatever because they have no idea what real suffering is. I would rather be hungry and live on the street with Erin, than to have my nice life without her. In fact I would give up everything and everyone, including you if that was under my power to do so. It’s a different sort of suffering to lose a child, and one that no source of faith or knowledge can address properly.

So that was my $1.50 for today. I got it all out for now. For the rest of the day, I plan to do my best to completely ignore the family block party going on in my immediate neighborhood, and eagerly await the time to go celebrate a friend’s birthday (Thank you friend for getting us out of the house!).

Namaste, and always #missingerin

May 12

Blessed

This past year I became a fan of a guy named Matt Kahn. I have enjoyed his YouTube videos and his message, which is so simple it’s ridiculous and you wonder why you didn’t know that already. He is coming out with a new book but has already done videos on the topic, which is simply “Whatever arises, love that.”

I understand the point. I mean, I totally get it. I know why, but I don’t know how. I’ve sort of issued a personal challenge to myself on that regard to love all that has arisen over the last year. But oh, that’s a big challenge.

I listened to a new one today that talked about Mastery and the message was a step farther than to love. The message was to Bless. You are Blessed. It does have a resonance to it. I can feel the vibration when I think it to you as I write. The You is the collective you, the personal you, and since You are saying it, the I. You and whomever you are speaking to and everyone. It reverberates blessing all around. He goes on to say more cool stuff about blessing others. Check it out by clicking here.

I’ve got to say that I am down in the dumps this afternoon. In another 10 days the 5th grade will be over, and somehow Erin not being here will be even more real. Silly huh? Whatever the psychology behind that, it feels more real. A friend and parent sent me a picture of a tribute piece to Erin on the 5th grader’s chandelier, their legacy project. I haven’t yet been able to respond because it’s too upsetting. It was clearly a picture of a fairy and she would have loved it. But it hurts too damn bad to think about. I will post it when I’m able.

I also had lunch with Melissa and Simone H. on Saturday. It was so good to see them both. I miss Erin’s friends and their parents. They gave me a beautiful purple butterfly bush, and Simone showed me her anime artwork (which was outstanding by the way). I haven’t mentioned that yet either because I was more emotional about it than I thought I would be. It just plain sucks.

As I sit here and write this, I am bound and determined to be the Master and not the student, the power and not the victim, and step into whatever this lifetime meant for me to be. I know that no matter how painful, one does not walk on a journey for no reason. You may not find out until late in the journey, or perhaps the end, why you walked that path, but nothing is without purpose. One of the things that Matt Kahn said in his video today is that you see stuff happening in the world and you wonder why it’s that way. Well, you had to see the need for blessing it, and you are here to bless it. Each and everyone of us are here to bring blessings to the world and those around us. So with tears in my eyes I am saying You are Blessed. You are Blessed. And thank you Matt Kahn for bringing me that gift today. I really needed it.

Namaste, #missingerin , and You are Blessed <3