May 11

The Sad Reality of “Holidays”

I don’t write this just for me, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t on my mind. For most people holidays generally suck to varying degrees. Think about it…I bet almost all of you have at least once realized how little you enjoy the whole thing due to the stress of it. Stress of doing what everyone else but you wants to do, stress of visiting family or having them visit you, cooking, cleaning, buying a gift and Oh! Will they like it? Perhaps decorating, or even taking them down. And of course, I’m going to call dibs on the shittiest holiday experiences of all – having to endure the endless barrage of happy holiday bullshit when you are minus the only thing that really matters, which is your loved one.

Yeah, I used to be irritated at the pressure society, the media, and the people who sell stuff put on me and everyone else regarding holidays. In days past holidays were really more like “holy” days to honor one or more gods and to thank them for the bounty (whether it be life or nourishment) that they had bestowed in the previous year, and of course to ask for it to continue the following year. I suppose that’s a little stress, but it couldn’t have been anything like what we experience today. I had begged Shaun in the past few years to leave and vacation for Thanksgiving instead of what we had done in years past. I didn’t enjoy it and really no one did, but it was “what we had always done.” I told him to invite the others, let’s just do something enjoyable. But we held it together for Erin’s sake because she wouldn’t have liked it if her special people weren’t there.

Oddly enough, her illness and all of the events leading to her death, as well as my brother in law Greg’s death, and my mother’s death, successfully ruined every day marked by our society as special. That includes birthdays and anniversaries. Maybe it was a blessing, releasing us from any perceived obligation to continue this sort of thing with anyone else ever. But the flip side of it is that we are very painfully aware that others are enjoying time with their families (even if they are stressed out to the max!) on these days, and that the one person who we loved more than each other is not with us. It honestly makes me want to be a hermit in a cave, maybe somewhere in Tibet where I will never see anyone again except for some smiling but silent monks.

Today is our 18th wedding anniversary. We never knew that 17 years later we would be in the hospital with our seriously ill child, or that Greg would be recently dead, or what was in store for us in just a few months. We didn’t get to celebrate our anniversary, or Mother’s Day, and our plan was to lump it all in with my birthday in August and do something we all enjoyed. But you all know, Erin was dead by then and her memorial service was on my birthday.

I guess the good news is that I no longer buy into the hype. But I wish that I had enjoyed the holidays that I did have with her more. I wish that we had done what we all wanted to do instead of what other people, even family, wanted us to do.

Today I admit that I am bitter. But thank you to everyone who reached out and thought of me yesterday. It made the bitter pill a little easier to swallow.

Namaste and always #missingerin

 

May 05

Blah. Blah, and more blah. And some UGH.

May will forever be the worst month. Either a year ago yesterday or today, my brother in law Greg Canter died. It was unexpected, and we didn’t even know about it for almost a week afterward. He died while we were down at Children’s Hospital in Birmingham, and we were still there when Shaun go the call from HPD. There was no goodbye, no body to mourn since it was in very bad shape after that long. In fact, the officer who notified Shaun was quite rude, and told him abruptly that he needed him to come identify the body and get his things out of his apartment right then.

I loved Greg, but Erin loved him more than anything. I waited a day before I told her since she had to have a procedure done, and she cried fiercely for about 60 seconds. Then she didn’t want to talk about it again, and so we didn’t. She never liked death, and when I say that I mean more than most people let alone children.

We had planned to wait until after our visit to Iowa to see another doctor for Erin to have Greg a wake. As you know, she never came home after those last doctor visits. But as May rolls around, I find myself mourning Greg today. And next week, I will mourn him again near the date we found out, which was also around our anniversary and also the next to last time Erin was in the hospital. It was the week she missed her 4th grade field trip. It was the last calendar month she would spend in school.

I am already dreading the 5th grade class ending this year. Sounds silly huh? She’s not there, and I know that, but it’s such a big milestone and her friends will move on without her. They will grow up a bit, going to middle school, and she will begin to be forgotten. I know this is the natural flow of life but it kills me. Some days I can put on a brave face, and occupy my mind as such that I barely consciously acknowledge her or her absence. I just turn my cheek to it in a manner of speaking. But it is always there.

I have had a lot of amazing experiences lately. I began the meditation class, as I call it, that I signed up for with Lisa Gawlas. I went to a Lightworker’s festival at The Dreammaker on Saturday and had three wonderful people do readings for me. I don’t need readings from others, but sometimes you really just feel drawn to someone’s energy and so it was with this lovely lady named April. She pulled three types of cards for me and in the second deck, one of the three cards was a fairy. She asked me are you drawn to fairies? And I told her about Erin.

But none of it, not even the understanding I’ve gained, will repair my broken heart.

I haven’t written lately because then I have to think, and when I think lately I get sad. But today, I am so sad I had to write. Thank you for walking with me today.

And, if anyone wonders, last fall we did honor Greg’s wishes and scattered his ashes on the land he owned in Owens Cross Roads. His dream was to build a small cabin there and live out the rest of his life. So he’s home.

Namaste and #missingerin

Apr 26

Swimming Against the Tide

I have wanted to write for several days, but have you ever had something to say, you just couldn’t muster it up to say it? I’ve been that way across the board. I got a lovely gift from someone last weekend…took me almost 6 days just to say a mere thank you. I just couldn’t find adequate words, and finally decided that plain thank you was better than silence. Same with my blog here. I have a lot going on “inside” but it’s sometimes tricky to communicate in English.

I am continuing some work with Lisa Gawlas. I knew it was time to reconnect with her and so I did. Sometimes, what you need in your own vibration is to merge with another vibration for a bit. It’s perhaps the simplest way to share anything – ideas, emotions, etc. Every person has a vibe that is all their own, and so when we have a chat or even smile at each other, we share ours. Cool huh?

I am able to meditate, and I have no problems whatsoever with visions and visualizations. I do not like to sit still and meditate. It’s like ants in my pants, and I also now have to be alone with my own thoughts, which is often painful. But I have had so many damn people tell me I needed to meditate I finally said OK Universe, I’ll give it a shot. So I paid Lisa for her assistance when she offered a class (just started last week). It’s like paying a personal trainer for the gym or a life coach. That was the only way I could commit.

I had no idea what I wanted to get out of it, so she took a look at my field and gave me a 4 day assignment. I thought, OK, well that’s not so interesting. But when I began those meditations all I can say is WOW! I will give you a brief overview now and maybe share a redacted version at some point. I was given an “outhouse” – yes that’s what it looked like – to go in (no toilet) and it had 4 doors with 4 signs above it. Three of them were printed with Love, Laughter, and Joy. The 4th was to be saved for last and was blank. Well the first day, I went in and Love was not love…it clearly said Peace even though my psyche protested that it was supposed to say Love. So I took this door first, since it made its debut in such a way, and I have to tell you I had around 4 days of peace in my heart. I felt so peaceful to the point that I was afraid I had become numb.

Well, that lasted until last night when around bedtime, I had the heavy feeling in my heart again. I recognized it as panic. It’s interesting how you can feel panic over something that has already happened that you can’t immediately change but it happens. It’s a shitty feeling but at some point I was able to calm myself and go to sleep.

By the way, door number 4 presented itself to me as Remember, and it took me to a jungle from Mayan times that I have been to before during a past life regression. The contents of that meditation wouldn’t make sense to any of you so I will keep it private for now, but let me just say that it was very deep and struck me emotionally. It had everything to do with some other existence of mine but nothing to do with Erin.

So all week I have been processing what these meditations have been doing for me. They aren’t your normal “quiet mind” meditations…nope, they take me places I didn’t know I was going. I have some writings under Articles on past life regressions and guide talk, so if you are interested read those. Basically I have no idea where I am going or who I will meet when I embark on those journeys, but they are always rewarding and most interesting.

I have somewhat of a heavy heart today, but I am holding it together so far.

Have a lovely day, and Namaste. #missingerin

 

Apr 16

Emerging

I am starting today with no title. I mention that one way or another, because I feel it sets the tone for whatever is to be said. But I do have two topics.

The first thing is that book Emergence that I am reading by Barbara Marx Hubbard. Perhaps “assimilating” is a better way to put it, because I am taking it in little bits at a time. Truthfully, I am familiar with the concepts contained in the book, but as we all know there are little nuggets scattered about everywhere, and so I am getting something I haven’t gotten elsewhere from this book.

To preface what I felt was relevant to share, by “Inner Beloved” she basically means your higher self, or soul, or whatever you call yours. The Local Self is your ego, your personality, the limited understanding that you have here in your body that is sometimes also called the Inner Child.

How she got here wasn’t so relevant, but this really spoke to me on page 22 (emphasis is mine not the author’s):

We now know that emotions have an underlying biochemical process, fully coordinated by the body/mind on a physiological level. We have also learned that grief or anger or any prolonged negative emotion can cause downtime for the immune system, directly affecting the health of the body.

[Nicole: I included that for reference, but I already understood that part.]

The Design Is Perfect-Making

Whatever happens may not be what we would have consciously chosen. Often it is not. But when we examine it in the Inner Sanctuary, we find that at the deeper level the situation is not perfect but it “perfects” us to face it, if we choose to accept the challenge. We may experience, trauma, tragedy, obstacles, but they can be interpreted as opportunities for growth, designed for our own perfect-making.

[And then:]

Since I have committed to realizing my full potential in this lifetime, I choose to interpret everything that happens to me as an opportunity for self-evolution. I tell myself that if I did not need to learn from a particular experience, I would not be given it. With this understanding, I prefer to face a painful experience now rather than later, because if I face it fully now, I will learn the lesson and not have to deal with it at some future point.”

So, that sort of sums it up, and by it, I mean my approach to life. I really truly believed in this approach before Erin died, and yet I had to reexamine it afterward. I do keep coming back to it, though, and I thought that Barbara Marx Hubbard nicely explained it. It also gave me comfort to see it in this format. I can’t tell you why, but perhaps it was my “Inner Beloved” that was speaking to me through this book.

Now topic two…I watched a fabulous short video today on Mastering Working with Divination Tools. Many people use cards of some sort, such as Doreen Virtue’s many sets of Angel cards, or even basic Tarot cards. I thought this lady Serapina nicely gave an introductory instruction on how to use them.

So…while watching that it gave me a flash in my mind of my The Soul’s Journey deck by James van Praagh, so I went and got them and decided I wanted a daily “check” of where I am on this journey. I pulled three cards in this order: Change: I understand that nothing can grow or evolve without movement.; Patience: I accept that everything happens in divine order.; Service: I feel good when I can help others. This is telling me to stay the course, and reaffirming that I do in fact understand the guidance I have received.

Next, I was guided to grab my “Dreamtime” deck, hand made by my mentor and friend June Stephansen. They are not available by retail, but she will hand make a deck for you for $200 if memory serves correctly. At any rate, I was guided to program them for my deeper purpose, deeper life messages, or for my clients if I ever read for anyone else. I felt I should pull 2 cards, and did in this order: Knights Templar and “Love” – Passionate Love, Unconditional Love, Romantic Love, Tumultuous Love. I cannot tell you on what level this speaks to me, but the message is very spot on and reaffirms a whole lot.

At this point, I have elected to name this post Emerging. Not for the book, but for my own Emergence. Even though life is still very crummy, I feel connected to the All That Is in a way that I never have before and it feels warm and comforting.

There seems to be more that I want to say, but I can’t coherently spit it out at the moment.

Namaste, and always #missingerin

 

fleur

 

Apr 14

Message in a Bottle

I was searching for a title, and for just what I wanted to say today. But I kept ignoring The Police song, Message in a Bottle, that was running through my mind. I am going to post the lyrics, because I was actually just chatting with Shaun in the car the other day and he had no idea what the song was saying (he listens to the beat and often misses the awesome lyrics). From Sting.com:

Just a castaway, an island lost at sea, oh
Another lonely day, with no one here but me, oh
More loneliness than any man could bear
Rescue me before I fall into despair, oh

I’ll send an S.O.S. to the world
I’ll send an S.O.S. to the world
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah

A year has passed since I wrote my note
But I should have known this right from the start
Only hope can keep me together
Love can mend your life but
Love can break your heart
I’ll send an S.O.S. to the world
I’ll send an S.O.S. to the world
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah

Walked out this morning, don’t believe what I saw
Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore
Seems I’m not alone at being alone
Hundred billion castaways, looking for a home
I’ll send an S.O.S. to the world
I’ll send an S.O.S. to the world
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah
Message in a bottle, yeah

Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S…

So as you can see, this is a song about loneliness, sadness, depression. But he is not alone. Neither am I. I don’t know if that makes me happy or more sad. But it’s a stark commentary on our world. Do you ever wonder why there is so much suffering? Sickness? Death? Despair? My school of thought says that we are here to learn, like a big melting pot school where we experience a wide range of stuff from one life to another. We pass or fail our tests based on our actions and reactions. Did we “get it” in other words. Failure only means that we rinse and repeat until we do get it, even if that means in another lifetime.

But at what point is that “cruel and unusual?” Because we can’t really leave now can we? Yes, we can, but then, based on your viewpoint, it’s either all for nothing, you have to start over, burn in hell, etc. So no real incentive there as far as I can tell.

At any rate, my blog has become my own message in a bottle. Many of you have sent your own bottles back. I appreciate them, cherish them, and hold them dear to my heart. But the other part of me wonders WTF is wrong with this world and why? Why? Why?

Metaphysical teachings tell us to love, unconditionally, and without attachment. I guess maybe Christian and other teachings say much the same. We are told there is life beyond, that the soul is eternal, and that death is just an illusion. In other words, we should carry on as if nothing is amiss (it’s all an illusion remember?) and let go of the attachment. But, I don’t think that anyone who provided those messages and others – whatever belief system – could have possibly ever lost a child.

Now I don’t want to downplay other types of suffering, or even other deaths that may have affected you deeply. But let’s face it – most things CAN be “fixed.” Death cannot be “fixed.” It’s pretty fricking permanent here on planet Earth. The hole left in your heart from a death cannot be fixed. We also cannot go back in time, at least that I am aware of. So time and death…they suck a big one. We are in the midst of an experiment that is one big cruel joke. Ha ha. But really, I am not laughing.

Sending love to you all. Whatever your bottle contains, I embrace it with my own suffering. You are not alone.

Namaste and #missingerin

 

Apr 09

Getting Stuff Done

Today I did more “stuff.” On my lunch break of course, but still I took care of a list of things that I had on my agenda. I get my list via intuition, from what I call “my team.” Think of them as guardian angels, or whatever you like to imagine. I recognize their energy, get wonderful signs and messages from them in various ways, and many times get very strong nudges.

For example, Aunt Shirley S. gave me her tarot deck to learn to read. I brought it home, took it out of the bag it was packed in, and then set them down. For days – yes days – I got visual glimpses of those cards and I knew what that meant. I mean, I saw them in my mind like a vision, not walked by them. I finally picked them up and read them for myself yesterday. I also have been getting strong nudges to begin an exercise program, and hire a personal trainer from my gym (that I pay for and don’t go to!). So I got that going yesterday and today.

I was also “told” to clean out my closet again. I think this time I’ve about got it. I kept what I really like except, crap, one thing. I need to go get rid of that. PS – when cleaning out your stuff, don’t keep something just because “it’s still good and usable.” That’s what hoarders do hehe. Keep what you LOVE. Get rid of what you don’t. I still have one sweater from high school, because I LOVE it and it’s good quality.

I also read the first chapter of a book called Emergence by Barbara Marx Hubbard. She had an awakening at age 69, and wrote a book about it. I guess it’s better late than never. Anyway, everyone gets guidance and nudges (yeah, that thought that popped into your head to go do something? **smile**), and as it turns out this book is about cultivating that connection to whatever it is that she calls her Soul or Higher Self. And learning to filter out the Inner Child or Ego, AKA all of that self-talk which is probably mostly negative that you hear all of the time.

Anyway, I have to have something to focus on as I move along my journey. I hate busy work, but I suppose that I will also get something out of it. At any rate, I was able to withstand going into the bedroom adjacent to Erin’s “rooms” today and I consider that progress. I normally just do not look in that direction. It’s very difficult.

But on that note, I’ve been doing a lot of reading about time/space and dimensions and timelines lately, as well as some other things, and I guess while I still am very sad, I feel like my psyche is beginning to understand how maybe I can “find her” again or something. I really don’t have words. Everyone has their own world view or belief system and I’m trying to understand this separation in the context of mine. Whatever gives me – and likewise you – comfort.

Which all just came crashing down as soon as I sent in the form to The Compassionate Friends to have Erin’s name carried on a banner during their Walk to Remember this year (it popped into my head, so I stopped to do it). Now I am back to being down in the dumps. I really just cannot think of Erin without being sad. I miss her so much. It physically hurts me. I know there are those of you out there who know, and I’m so sorry. It really brings new definition to “feeling sorry for yourself.”

I guess that was all. #missingerin

Apr 08

Keepin’ On Keepin’ On

Ok, I’ll admit that is purely “self-talk!” I suppose it is somewhat reality, since I am obviously still here. Today is different than yesterday, and yesterday sucked a big one overall. Today is different, not better but different. I think I should stress that? No day is good. I have come to realize that and it’s just a fact. It will never be good again. The sad thing is that I otherwise have a “good life” as one may call it, but this one thing I am missing defines the whole thing as horrible. Shaun feels the same way I am sure (I don’t think I have to ask). It sure doesn’t seem fair does it. I know, life isn’t fair, but I can deal with the other unfair stuff. Not this.

I have gotten off of my ass and done a few things lately. Baby steps. I booked appointments, made phone calls, found product for home improvements, and took clothes to the cleaners and to a tailor. I even cleaned out my closet a little again. I took the time to listen to some information via YouTube videos…the stack of books will have to wait. I don’t quite have the patience right now to read more than a few lines. I know I have to read me some tarot cards – that has been gnawing on me for several days but I am lazy so there you go.

I bought more new clothes for the new me. I’m sure not the old me, so the new me wants new clothes. But the new me doesn’t like the feeling that I am gaining weight, so I plan to start back to the gym, maybe today. I at least called them to ask a question about something. That’s farther than I have gotten with the question in a week or so, so I’ll take it as progress.

So today was better, yesterday wasn’t, and none of them are good. Yeah, I think that about sums it up.

I have realized what a tremendous amount of personal growth I have achieved these past few months. That makes me feel somewhat decent about myself, as I felt I was stagnant before. I hear myself responding kinder to stuff I may have yelled about before. It’s that perspective change. I also don’t really get upset about too much. Shaun and I were talking about something recently, something that apparently I should have been outraged about LOL. My response was that I just didn’t care, so whatever it was that the person had said or done, I just didn’t care, so didn’t care to respond. I wasn’t offended – didn’t care. It actually felt sort of good. The person, someone I didn’t know, well their shit was their shit and not mine. I didn’t care. Have I driven that point home? LOL!

I do want to thank everyone who has continued to check on me. I really appreciate it, and believe me even if we didn’t know each other well before, you hold a very special place in my heart now. I may not say it – because that would be weird – but I think about each and every one of you.

Now I remember what I was going to say yesterday but didn’t. I literally lost my whole world. I don’t’ know why that is important to say, but I was thinking yesterday that it was. I lost my baby girl, the experience of being a mom, the experience of having a kid in school, her friends, their families, and so many other countless things that I can no longer bear to see, hear, or do because of the painful memories. My entire life has changed and has to be renewed and replaced. Normally that is a good thing, and I’m having trouble finding that silver lining. I guess there is a big “touch of grey” in that silver lining at any rate.

So yeah, this is a disjointed blog post. Very train of thought oriented though, which should make you all feel sorry for me since you are inside of my disjointed mind right now LOL.

Namaste and #missingerin

Apr 03

Holiday Blues, and Grays

I guess even my computer doesn’t want me to write today. I had to refresh the page twice to get this to work. Maybe it was testing my commitment? There are no coincidences, just realities.

I have the holiday blues again. Not surprising. Everyone else is getting ready to celebrate Easter, but the Bunny won’t be visiting my house this year. It’s been a very hard week to be honest, for Shaun too. I won’t share his stories, because they are his, but I will share mine.

Earlier in the week I had lunch with a few old business associates. I didn’t pick the place, and they picked Pane Vino or whatever it’s called down at the Art Museum. I could have said no, but I can’t use any crutches in business and that’s just how it is. So I went, and although I didn’t park in the same lot where I used to when I dropped Erin off for art class, I realized as I walked to my destination just how many times before for Panoply she and I had walked those same areas. I recognized in an instant the stage where some band was playing last year, and Simone H. tried to get her to dance with her. Erin said “I don’t dance.” And I tried to tell her not to be ashamed and to dance with Simone, but she wasn’t having any of that. One reason my memories are so painful is that I see them play out as if I am looking into time and space. They are very real, not just remembrances. And they make me very sad at what has been lost.

I did not look at the art classrooms as I passed them. But I did cry most of the way home.

Then there was the blood drive, at the school, for a little girl who is also sick with a blood disease. I didn’t go donate. I couldn’t. Just too hard. I’m a little ashamed for that but it is what it is.

And today is Erin’s BFF Anna Kate’s 12th birthday. Of course Erin would have been celebrating it with her. She loved birthdays, no matter whose it was.

And then Easter. She loved Easter. We always put out carrots for the Bunny, and she got stuffed animals (stuffies) and baskets full of goodies and hunted eggs – both real ones she dyed and tons of plastic ones filled with stuff. Last year she specifically requested a Peeps brand pink bunny stuffie from some sweets shop down at Bridgestreet. It’s still in her room.

I sort of find it funny that not one person commented on yesterday’s post. I guess maybe it came across as preaching. Well it was – preaching for everyone to do some soul searching and think before you judge. LOL but seriously! Note I never told you what to think, just to be kinder. I can’t find anything wrong with that.

I am very exhausted, and so maybe this is all for today. Or maybe I’ll write again. Hugs and namaste to everyone. #missingerin

Apr 02

Up on the Mountain Top (aka Soap Box)

Another day, same stuff. Well sort of. I admit that I am somewhat preoccupied by what I suppose I could call, generally, “social injustices.” I really don’t like that term, but I can’t come up with a better one at the moment.

Some of you don’t know me as well as others. Do you know that I value all opinions? I also believe that ALL of us have the right to express them, but not to push them on other people. If you bring something up in conversation, I have a right to a reply. I may not agree with what you are saying, and I may even think we are too far apart in ideology to be close friends, but as long as you are not hurting anyone else, you should be free and fearless to express your truths. Just don’t assume they are mine, or try to make them mine.

I think it’s great that so many in the world are standing up for others by saying “That’s not right, I will not buy your products” or whatever it is. We all don’t have to be alike, but we should be equal. Isn’t that what all of our great democracies are founded on? Equality? At the very least, they are founded on equality and freedom. Democracy may not be the answer, but hey, it’s the best we’ve got right now and certainly better than a theocracy. If you don’t believe me, ask the Shia Muslims how they feel being ruled by a Sunni government. Insert Catholic/Protestant, Church of Christ/Baptist, or whatever terms you like, and you may then really see what I mean. And hell, I think maybe it’s relevant to insert Conservative/Liberal or Democrat/Republican right? No one likes feeling as if they are treated unfairly, or being treated unfairly.

So that said, let me move on to some of the trappings of affluence. One of the examples I like to use in conversation is about a $15K diamond ring from Tiffany’s that I tried on back when we lived in Dallas, TX in around 2000. I don’t know what inflation makes it – it was $15K then. It was their version of the Princess cut, set in platinum, and boy was it beautiful. It was also the price of a car, and in some areas, I suspect a house. Most people cannot afford a $15K diamond ring or ring of any sort for that matter. Could I buy it? Yes, I could. Maybe not outright but I can afford to buy that even if on credit.

SHOULD I buy it? Hell no. That would be very irresponsible with people starving, out of work, without basic necessities, etc. I may as well be saying “Let them eat cake.” And if you think that everyone has an equal chance – even in America – you are mistaken. I’m a highly intelligent person who was raised to think I could be whatever I wanted to be. Not so. I wasn’t raised with any money, couldn’t go to certain schools (lack of funds), didn’t run with certain social crowds, etc. I had no influence in other words. So no, I did not have the same opportunities that some I knew had. Where’s the equality in that? I’m not bitter, just a realist. In fact I think t hat my experience has helped me to understand the Human condition better. Yes, the Human condition. I hate to be cliche, but 99% of the population experiences some form of poverty, various types of general suffering, and a life indebted to working for money you just pay to bills and taxes. Before you judge anyone, you really need to walk in their shoes even if it’s just in your imagination. Most people’s shoes suck a big one. You can’t generalize things like “I’m tired of paying taxes for people who won’t work!” Really? Do you know WHY each of them is out of work? What their life circumstances are that got them from A to B? And why they are stuck in B? No, you really don’t, because you can’t see it from your high judgmental horse.

I’m not perfect, but I can tell you that my life circumstances have resulted in me seeing – and feeling – the error in a great deal of my judgmental comments (even if they were to myself). Everyone eventually reaps what they sow. What’s my purpose in this today? Just to put it out there. And really, I don’t want anyone to suffer as I am, or as millions of others are. We have the resources in this world to use our money, and our wisdom, to make it a better place. Why aren’t we? Fear and greed. They are shameful and ugly things.

And yes, I am still grieving. Terribly. I cried before I ever got out of bed this morning. I miss my baby, so much that I’m sure it’s slowly killing me. I don’t fear death though. I fear living much, much more. Living is wrought with suffering it seems. We need more joy in the world, and I’m convinced that if enough people could get out from in under the yoke long enough to feel joy all at once, it would change things immediately. The vibration would rise to a crescendo and whoosh! A different world. One can hope right? Even though I am very much in despair, I still hope that for the rest of you. It’s what we are all here, now, for, in my opinion anyway.

Ok, namaste and #missingerin. I’m getting a nosebleed from the high soap box I’ve been on the last 10 minutes. 🙂

Mar 31

The Politics of Grief

Well, if you disagree with my use of the word politics, let’s get it out now. I did look it up, but my inner knowing strongly suggested that I use that as my title. I began a post the other day, Thursday morning, about how I was feeling that day and simply titled it “What’s on My Mind.” I had a lot on my mind actually, but little time to share it that day. And now that the moment has passed, I will recap but not reuse the post.

I should start by saying, I am miserable. Utterly flipping miserable. Grief knows no end or boundaries, so it’s like you are in the ocean. You swim to the shallows sometimes, only to be overcome by another wave and washed out to sea. Then you spend the rest of your time swimming back to shore. What for? I wonder. Because I honestly don’t see the point. I visited my mother’s 2nd husband Jerry the other day, and his secretary was asking me a lot of questions. I was very honest with her, and my answers must have surprised him. I say this because he surprised me by saying “I know that you are a survivor.” I don’t bear him any ill will, but this, coming from the man who was the co-creator of a lot of the hell from my childhood, was both an affirmation and a slap in the face. Perhaps divine guidance was speaking through him. Either way, he is correct. But we all have the innate survival instinct embedded in our DNA. All living things do.

Even when you are done, and faced with even one second to rethink things, you choose to survive. That could not have been illustrated better than the season finale of the Walking Dead last week, where Father Gabriel was ready to let himself be “eaten” as I call it by the zombies. But in the second he had in between resolution and action, he changed his mind, fell to the ground after killing it, and cried. Boy could I relate, as that is me several times a day figuratively speaking.

I wonder now, lately, why I write this? I have no idea really anymore, but I know I am supposed to help someone as well as help myself. People regularly ask me if it’s “cathartic.” Of course it is. Seriously, I don’t want any more suffering. Period. End of story. I wouldn’t even proceed to upgrade my credit card from gold to platinum today because it requires a new credit application. My credit is outstanding, but the process just reeks of suffering to me. So forget it. And yes it’s cathartic. I have to get this out somewhere. Yes, I can talk to Shaun. But shit, Shaun is suffering as much as I am so why would I dump my burden on him to carry with his own? I try not to do that. It’s not kind nor is it fair. So we both carry our burdens, quietly most of the time, until something has to be discussed or said and then we cry for a little while.

Perhaps what is most amazing to me is that after this many months, the pain has not lessened at all. None. It’s very powerful, very real, and very deep. I have a new found respect for anyone experiencing PTSD. I have flashbacks and sometimes full color and sound movies playing in my mind, uninvited and unannounced. They are painful. I can’t imagine what it would be like if I was experiencing fear with them like some do. If you ever wondered if this is real, it is real. Very real. It teleports you back to wherever it is that you don’t want to be, hear, or see. I also have a new found respect for anyone suffering from depression. I honestly, never thought it was something you couldn’t “just get over.” Maybe not that simple, but you pull up your bootstraps, realize that everyone suffers, and get on with it right? Tomorrow will be better, right? I extend a heartfelt apology to anyone I have ever, even quietly, misdirected those types of thoughts or words to. This is no joke. I still assume that a person can get over the pain of a bad breakup, but not the loss of your child. And remember, everything is relative to the person who is experiencing the pain.

So I haven’t slept more than 5 hours a night in several days. I lay in bed with sadness for a few hours, fall off to sleep, then wake up with the same. And the “movies.” They invade during those vulnerable hours of the night. I think my brain thinks that if I can just find the moment it slipped away that I can somehow get it back.

I don’t know if I will ever experience any type of closure with this, and I suspect that I will not. But I have definitely ended a cycle. I closed down a contract this past week on Thursday. I had worked in the building 11 years (there’s that 11 again – started that job when Erin was 6 months old). The contract itself was – you guessed it – 7 years old. If I could punch 7 and 11 in the gut I would get some satisfaction from that, trust me. Also, today I closed the joint bank account I had with my mother. It was my last task in that regard.

I have also discovered that I hate my home. Not my house – my home. This house was supposed to be the last one we built or bought, where Erin finished growing up and where her friends could gather with her. Now I can’t stand to even look at the walls. I would sell it now, except I’m pretty sure I can’t bear to dismantle her room yet. And I haven’t got the faintest idea where we would move. We love the area we live in, but that is ruined too. I have to pass the school, her karate studio, and the greenway where we rode bikes runs the length of the road between here and 431. Hell, everything about this is painful. I want a new place with new scenery. It sucks because we have such wonderful neighbors and a great house, but geez, I can’t live here anymore.

I should add that I have also started having flashbacks of my mother’s last moments, which then makes me think of all of the furry babies I have had to escort to their final destinations. This is all so very painful to experience, even in a flashback. Hell, I bet my aura is full of rips and tears and holes from all of this emotional pain.

So I will continue to look for something larger, my spiritual mission for this lifetime, whatever it is. Yeah, big jump from the sadness to that eh? Well there is nothing in between. To paraphrase Sting, I will need to build a bridge because I cannot fill the chasm. I want to be here for a purpose at least, to contribute in some positive way to the all that is, or else I want to be released from this prison of space and time. But that is a topic fro another day.

Namaste, and #missingerin