Mar 22

Just Stuff

I began this originally by basically apologizing for my ideology. I don’t like to alienate people, as I believe that we all have common threads that unite us if we could all just see past our judgments and biases. ALL of those are learned, and as you well know we usually find out at some point that maybe we really didn’t know it all. I’m a seeker and a thinker and forever in search of knowledge, wisdom, and truth. The more I learn, the more I realize that I did not know. That’s the only “fact” I can say with 100% certainty.

I told someone at work the other day, that I don’t get the easy way out. I never have and I continue to have to walk the lonely road that is less traveled. I don’t know why, but it appears to be true. And if I try otherwise, I am doomed to repeat whatever it is that I tried to get out of. That has never been too much of a burden until Erin died, and so knowing that is both a blessing and a curse because I would like to just end this nonsense and start over doing something more pleasant (i.e., reincarnate somewhere else). But I know I would have to start this shit over. No thank you.

So many people seem bothered by my view on that, and I guess it scares them. If you want to be upset about something, be upset and outraged at the suffering in this world. Be upset that we are locked in this time and space, and in these bodies, doomed to suffer until by some chance we are set free to do something more pleasant. Be upset that people are hungry and have no place to live, or that anyone lives in abuse, pain, or slavery. And lastly, be upset that morons are upset at things other than that, like which political candidate you voted for or that someone is having sex with or wants to marry a person you disagree with. And that they are happy doing so. Do you see where I am going here?

Everyone needs the gift of a perspective change. I hope you do not get one the way that I did. I will suffer every day of the life of this body, and in a way that cannot be alleviated. I will do my best to never inflict more suffering on another and especially one who doesn’t deserve it. I understand things that even a year ago I could not have understood. I am still rebuilding who I am becoming, and in many ways I am like a Frankenstein. I am a patchwork, and there is life there but it’s not like your life.

After writing this twice, I no longer have any idea where I was going with this! So I will stop now and just send love and hugs to everyone who has touched my life. There are too many of you to name but I appreciate and love you all.

Namaste, and always #missingerin

Mar 15

Several Days Worth of Stuff

FairygiftbackNo, I haven’t written in several days for several reasons. I have been very busy with work. So busy in fact that I have barely had time to go to the bathroom some days. And when I am not busy, it only takes seconds for me to miss my baby girl and have a short cry. I have cried so much and so fiercely, I’m considering some botox to get rid of the furrow in my brow. There are a lot of disjointed things that I feel like I want to express…will probably come out confusing but oh well here goes.

Last weekend, Shaun shared with me that he didn’t tell me everything about the autopsy that he read. I think he thought I didn’t want to know. Well I didn’t, but  I don’t want to leave him emotionally unable to talk with me either. So basically, Erin died of Anaplastic Large Cell Lymphoma. What was inconclusive was how long she had it. They tested for lymphoma and other cancers many times, including last December/January here at the St. Jude’s affiliate clinic in Huntsville. He ended up speaking with the doctor there and she told him that was the first thing they tested for, and unfortunately in some cases it goes undetected. I have said many times that Erin’s soul plan was to leave this planet at age 10 and I keep having that confirmed over and over. It doesn’t make me feel better, or satisfied, but I can’t come to any other logical conclusion. However, the motherly part of me sure does wonder how I didn’t know, how I let them miss it, and how I let my daughter die. If it was you, your mind would go there too. It sort of opened the wound all over again to be honest, and I’ve spent the last several days in renewed agony.

Then on top of that, I got the same cold for the 3rd time this year. Whatever it is, same exact thing, third time since 12/30. It seems to be going away sooner this time but that’s the only good thing. I know my body is under stress and well, that’s just the way it is. I certainly don’t have any impetus to go all out and be healthy. I took very good care of Erin and it got us nowhere. I don’t plan to wash my hands in Roundup or anything, but geez, it doesn’t seem to matter.

On a brighter note, some kind soul put a beautiful little fairy figurine in our mailbox last Saturday (a week ago). I have no idea who it is from, but it’s beautiful and Erin would have loved her. She is so pretty – here is a picture of her little wings…

FairygiftfrontAnd on a heavier note, we went to visit HCES on Friday afternoon to see Erin’s reading area. It was very nice, and we also saw her teachers and some others we knew there. A teacher I did not previously know cried as she told me about Erin’s “local” best friend, and how depressed she was but that now she is finding new friends. That was very touching, but hard to hear for so many reasons. We have missed her friends and worried about them, and to know that they are hurting as we are makes us very sad too. We donated the majority of Erin’s books, specifically the Warrior Cats series and her varied fairy books, to the library. Each of them have a label in them that says “This was Erin’s Book. In Memory of Erin Alyssa Canter, 12/11/2003 – 8/14/2014, #missingerin” So if your child brings one home, you will know that it was Erin’s book. That will probably be the last time we visit HCES. We love them and have such fond memories, but it was so very painful to be there without her.

In fact, being here in the house is painful without her. If I had the means to move far, far away I would, but it’s too hard to coordinate two people’s livelihoods to even try right now. I know that we will have to leave this house in some relatively soon manner. Soon may be a year in this case, but it will happen. We can’t be normal here. There are too many memories. Hell, I don’t even like to look into my mother’s bedroom either as it reminds me of her. So we just use a few rooms of this 4400 square foot house, those where the memories linger but aren’t so painful that we can’t be in them. It will be hard to pack her room up one day though. It is just like she left it, except for it had been cleaned up before we left the house for the last time with her, and her things got put away when we came home without her.

I feel a need to get back to my spiritual journey. My lovely Aunt Shirley was kind enough to give me her tarot cards to practice with, and some books and other things. I have every other sort of divination card, including some beautiful ones that a dear friend hand made, but no true tarot cards. I plan to use hers to practice and then buy my own. They carry your energy, so hers won’t be 100% for me but they will work. That was a gift to my soul, spiritual food if you will, as it will assist me with more self-discovery. Whoever it was that said Know Thyself, wasn’t off one bit. It’s important.

And if I can keep my eye focused on the goal of spiritual growth and enlightenment, maybe I will make it. It is the only thing that soothes me. I’m a seeker, and lately I don’t seek to do much but avoid deep thought. Now I have digressed…

Namaste, blessings, and #missingerin

Mar 03

Long and Winding Road

Ah, that song, or at least that verse, plays out over and over in my mind today. I was on the way to work this morning thinking that I would write about joy. Not my joy, but the idea that joy instead of constant fear would change the whole world. And it would, but the sentiment is now gone and I have no idea what I intended to write about.

The long and winding road, though, wow am I on it. Is your road winding? Or long? Many people’s roads are not. They are straight and safe and not full of much drama or hoopla. There is nothing wrong with that from either a 3D Earth or a Soul perspective. Your soul chooses what it wants to experience and learn from (usually – there can be interference from “outside”), and some souls surely need a break. Although I can’t imagine why you would want to incarnate in such a place, but to each their own. Some also make different choices when they do incarnate. They had chosen path A, but then say oh no, I don’t want to do that and take path B. Sometimes this is conscious and sometimes it’s not.

I’ve said before that I can hear myself telling my peeps, my team, that no matter what I wanted to get this accomplished and under no circumstances should they feel sorry for me and help/interfere. That sounds just like me, and I can feel it resonating as I write it, so I know it’s truth. Did my Soul know how hard it would be? Did I think I would have some big breakthrough? Did I know that I would become broken?

Maybe that was the point. I have long thought that the Celestials (whomever they are, be they angels, deities, extra terrestrials, etc.) do not understand the physical/human condition. They don’t get how hard it is, how much suffering there is, or perhaps even the joy we feel at simple things. They probably don’t understand the feeling you get from laughing at something hilarious, or the worry we feel about our loved ones, or anything else. Do they learn through us? Many say they do, and I think so.

And so I say to them a lot, out loud so they can hear me, that I hope they are learning and that they need to hurry and put a stop to this. We live in a fear-based, abusive, suffering world. It is set up for us to fail, and if you don’t believe me I don’t care. I’m a pretty smart cookie and I am smart enough to see and understand that we are set up to fail. Sometimes one gets through, one succeeds, because hey those in power have to throw us a bone and keep the dream alive right? Dangle that carrot in other words. But it’s just a carrot. This experiment has gone long past its expiration date and it’s time to call it and tally the results.

My short 43 years have definitely been winding, and long. It’s also been some strange trip to add more cliche. I have no idea what to make of it other than I wanted to pack a whole lot of stuff in. Maybe this is my swan song as an Earth human. Who knows. I used to crave understanding, but now I don’t feel that it really matters so I just shoot for gaining a little more wisdom each day.

I do know that I better get a good grade on this lifetime. It has sucked. I didn’t handle the suckiness so good in the beginning, but in my later year I have learned restraint in my actions and reactions, and I have learned to work a process and let it play out. My overall process is to be that of an observer. What am I feeling, why am I feeling it, how did this occur…and even if I am upset and bitter I have to take responsibility for that which is mine and for co-creating my reality. When you feel shitty, that can really suck. But it does feel good to be empowered.

I’ve digressed, and so I will wrap it up now. I really had to just follow the long and winding road before it drove me nuts. Ok, more nuts. And as a PS, please don’t congratulate me for having a “better day” or something. I never have good days. They are all shitty and there is nothing that I do that I don’t think of Erin. Just so you know 🙂

Namaste and #missingerin

Mar 02

Just…Missing Erin

I don’t know what more seems like a dream: Erin dying, or remembering that I had a daughter. Because neither seem real most days. Her memory is fading, at least in ways that make the absence very pronounced. Her “balloon” that she drew on in early July, all of the air suddenly came out on Friday or Saturday. I was coming out of the kitchen and noticed immediately. I knew that one day in the near future, it would lose its air, as it had begun shrinking. And boy have I dreaded that day. It’s just another “sign” of my loss, you know?

On that note, sometimes I find myself, alone, crying out “You were real!” because honestly, there is no proof of that life other than mementos and pictures. People will soon forget. Don’t say you won’t – most of you have already gone on with your lives and why wouldn’t you? In 2 years, she will be a distant memory. By the end of her friends high school years, someone will say “Remember that girl Erin Canter who died when we were starting the 5th grade?” Some will say “yeah” and others will say “sort of.” Some won’t remember at all, or won’t have known her.

I still do not accept that this has happened “to me” or “in my life,” and yet it has. I know it must have. She is gone and not in her room anymore. Her room is exactly how it was the night we left for Birmingham the last time, except for the stuff I laid on her bed when we returned without her.

I was petting Puppy last night and remembered how she cried right before we left while telling him bye. She never did that before and I thought it odd, but we were in such a hurry. The signs were there. Her subconscious knew, but I didn’t know. I never knew until right before. I’m still not sure that I know.

I don’t write much anymore because I don’t want to talk about it. I’m depressed enough without confronting it. We still owe a visit to the school to see the area her friends made for her in the library, but that will be so hard I have put it off. We made labels to put in the books we are donating to the HCES library on that visit, but it’s too hard to look at them to get them ready. Shaun did offer to bring them out of her playroom for me so that I don’t have to go in there. Maybe that will work for me.

For anyone who is interested, I did not read the autopsy, but Shaun did. Unless he misunderstood, the results were inconclusive except they identified that she had anaplastic large cell lymphoma in one area of her body – the “rash” on her chest. The doctor at St. Jude in Huntsville said that was the first thing they tested for. HEMOC at Children’s tested her too for multiple cancers, but nothing. It’s inconclusive anyway. Her little body never gave up its secrets. I can’t find a scenario where she wasn’t meant to die at age 10, and it kills me. I am still open to whatever the universe has for me to learn from this, but the suffering is vast and immeasurable.

I have seen her in my dreams in multiple timelines, or parallel realities. In some she is dead, in some she is alive. I don’t know why I am seeing them all, but I saw her last alive and looked into her eyes and said “There you are! I finally found you!” It was “My” Erin, and I found her. And then I woke up.

#missingerin

 

Feb 19

Fighting for My Light

Yes, that’s a play on words. I am truly fighting for my light, which in this case is “life” as it is all that I have left in this “life” so to speak. In that regard, yesterday was a dark day. If I could describe what this level of sadness feels like to you, it would engulf you as if you were in flames and burn you to your very soul. It is like Erin dies each day, and like Prometheus, I endure tremendous pain before dying myself. Then I come back to endure again the next day. It’s grueling to say the least.

Last year during a reading with Betsey Lewis, she indicated that I should write a book on my experience. I have had no idea of what that would be about until yesterday, but now I know. I’m not saying I am going to DO it, but I know what it should be about, and that is experiencing grief from a multdimensional standpoint.

If you aren’t familiar with the term multidimensional, let me explain. Those on Earth who look at things from a 3D standpoint, they are materialistic, self-absorbed, fearful, only concerned with the physical and the gratification that they can get. Others, however, take a “higher dimensional” standpoint on life and are often called multidimensional, higher dimensional, or higher vibrational. What that means is that instead of being self-absorbed, wrapped up in blame, etc. they know that they are co-creators, they have a high degree of integrity and self-resonsibility. They are often service to others oriented and they are not as triggered emotionally by events or people. Perhaps higher-vibrational is the better word. Have you ever been around someone who is a joy to be around versus someone who “brings you down?” That’s a difference in vibration. It’s an amazing concept that sometimes you have to “feel” to believe.

So here I am, perhaps not embodying but understanding these multidimensional concepts, when I have the worst possible thing that can occur in my 3D life occur. And I tried, oh how I tried, to put those concepts to work. A large part of me “understands” what my psyche and heart is experiencing, yet nothing can calm the storm. I also know, deeply, that if I do not persevere that I will be “doomed” to repeat these “lessons.” Doomed – what a 3D concept! But I lack for a better descriptive word. I also know that this horrible event, that it is the Iceberg. The tip of the iceberg is the long list of the many shitty things that have occurred “to me” (another 3D concept!) in my lifetime. I was able to clear those, to understand my Soul’s role in co-creating them. I was not a victim. But whoa! How hard is it to apply those higher dimensional concepts to the death of my child! I’ll tell you – it’s nearly impossible. Even if I am at a point where I accept them, and even believe they are truth, I don’t care.

As a co-creator of my reality, I can see me telling “my team” that “Hey guys, when this happens, under no circumstances are you to ease this pain! Do not pull me out! Repeat – do not pull me out! I will beg but don’t do it! You will mess the whole process up and I’ll have to start over!” Yep, I can hear myself and even feel my conviction. And still I beg for help. To whom? I don’t believe in a savior. We have to save ourselves. Even Jesus taught that folks. He taught people how to fish. Get it? No saviors. And guess what? My team is dead silent. No less than I would expect, but I hurt so damn bad some days that it’s unbearable. It must be hard-coded within my genes to endure, or else I surely would not.

And I have a lot of feelings, some of which I am very much entitled to but ashamed of. I don’t want anyone else to suffer, or to be ill, or for their children to be. But I have to turn my heart away from those things, as it is more than I can bear. I get nearly physically ill sometimes hearing about others’ happiness. It’s not their happiness that upsets me – it’s my own loss. I avoid a lot of stuff as a result, including large gatherings.

And, I’m just going to say this…it just down right pisses me off to see people saying that God answered their prayers, that God did this or that God did that, saved this person, whatever. Really? What was my child? Minced meat? Or you didn’t pray hard enough? If God is so damn good, was he also good when he let my child die simply because it is “His will?” Do you see the false logic in your arguments, or the hurt caused by them? Probably not, as that is what you learned to say and think without question. And no, I will not rudely comment on statements said to someone other than me, but kindly don’t say those to me unless you want a scathing reply. I have a higher-dimensional, non-Christian view of the Creator, but shit like that just cuts me to the bone. You might get an ear full that I will later have to apologize for. And yes, I would probably apologize, because treating others badly is against my personal beliefs.

Ah, and the fear is still alive. I’m afraid of being judged by the last paragraph I wrote. Wow. Well the truth is, I am tired. I am so tired, and so many others are so tired. Is that the point? To make us so tired that we just give in? Remember the guy in the Matrix, the one who wanted to get back in? Life was too hard outside, so he wanted back in. Hell, I can relate. Sometimes I would forsake all that I am just to be relieved of responsibility and suffering. Then I get a little energy and realize the fallacy in that, and yet the cycle continues. My body and soul are so tired. I will reiterate that I know that so many are also. When does it end?

I have been through the gauntlet of my mind, and of my heart, trying to find something different. Another viewpoint, another set of rules, another gut feeling, some different message…something. Well I keep coming back full circle to those higher dimensional truths. Are they the absolute truth? Nope, of course not. I hope to gain further understanding daily that will expand and elaborate and maybe even CHANGE those truths. Make them even truthier (LOL). But I can never go back to that which I knew while inside of the Matrix, and yet I am still subject to its laws and feelings of sadness. Raw deal isn’t it? Yes, it is Nicole.

I appreciate all of you walking with me as I fight for my light. I will fight for yours too. And I hope to learn as much from you as you do from me, or even more because each situation and person is unique. This is an extremely hard month, for whatever reason. I know I come across as strong and even harsh, but this is strong and harsh emotion. No apologies there.

Peace, blessings, and Namaste to you. Be safe in this awful weather. #missingerin

Feb 18

Survival of the Lightest?

After posting This Little Light, I began thinking about survival. Survival instincts are what really spurred me to write the other blog post to start with. I had a bad night on 2/16, and as I was crying myself to sleep I had a fleeting thought of someone coming into my aunt’s home with a gun, and in my vision I instinctively put my hand up to block the blow. Now, keep in mind that there was no fear with my vision, only the natural instinct of self-preservation. Which actually made me smile, because it was interesting to witness.

This world is one of survival. That is why we work, why we grow food, why we buy food and other goods, and one reason why we kill. Among other things of course…but everything we do nearly is motivated by survival. Even social situations are motivated by survival – survival of the EGO, but survival nonetheless. I was recently watching an episode of Shark Tank, where they said to a contestant that they were “fighting for their life.” Well, not really, but perhaps it felt that way to the contestant.

Which, I suppose, takes me back to cultivating our light. You can sub many words for the word “light” and have nearly the same meaning. Goodness, kindness, correctness even. Consider this from the Emerald Tablets…

Light comes only to those who strive. Hard is the Pathway that leads to the Wisdom; hard is the Pathway that leads to the Light. Many stones shall you find in your pathway, many mountains shall you climb towards the Light.

What this is saying is that following the light, or the positive pathway, isn’t all roses. It doesn’t mean that your life will suddenly become warm and fuzzy and little furry bunnies. In fact, it’s the harder path. You have to make a conscious decision to keep going, usually because it’s so damn hard. It’s not the popular path, and often your values or decisions may be fairly unpopular. I vividly remember the time that Erin found $20 in the parking lot outside of Dick’s Sporting Goods. I made her bring it to the desk inside, because it was someone else’s, and we shouldn’t gain from someone else’s loss. Very unpopular, but the right thing to do.

The Light – it’s the reason I continue to survive. I dedicated my life to it many years ago, and to learning a path of integrity, wholeness, ethics, and what I call right action. That part of “me” is still intact, unfazed by the horrendous events of my life. That part of me can look beyond the physical existence, and see that Erin served the light when her soul decided to leave the Earth plane, and that my suffering teaches me about both the light and the darkness.

I consciously choose the Light, but honestly, the path of darkness would be sooooo much easier. Thankfully I am not the type to take the easy road, no matter how painful it is. Years ago when I said to the Universe, to give me lessons full speed, I never knew that I would have to let go of the light of my life in the process or that I would have to endure the unthinkable. More importantly, I never would have agreed to it. I would have sold my soul to avoid that loss. That, my friends, is why we cannot know what our future holds for us. In most cases, we would live to avoid it instead of gaining value from the journey.

THAT part of me, it will relentlessly pursue the path of the Light and of Oneness. The other part, though, will still beg to sell our soul to get Erin back. So, maybe I will do some additional light reading on the Tablets and hope some wisdom seeps in. Until then I will leave you with this, from the same Tablet quoted above…

Hark ye O old man and list to my warning:
be ye free from the bondage of night.
Surrender not your soul to the BROTHERS OF DARKNESS.
Keep thy face ever turned towards the Light.
Know ye not, O man, that your sorrow,
only has come through the Veil of the night.
Aye man, heed ye my warning:
strive ever upward,
turn your soul toward the LIGHT.
The BROTHERS OF DARKNESS seek for their brothers
those who traveled the pathway of LIGHT.
For well know they that those who have traveled
far towards the Sun in their pathway of LIGHT
have great and yet greater power
to bind with darkness the children of LIGHT.

I’m sure some of you also have resources that you use. So enjoy your own light reading, and keep your little light shining. If all we can do is to survive, then so be it.

Namaste, peace, and blessings.

#missingerin

Feb 17

This Little Light

By now you probably figured out that I write mostly when my heart is heavy. And it is. There are many things that pile up that make even breathing too hard to bear. “Normal” people cannot understand it, and for good reason. I don’t judge them for it, because it is what it is, even though I can’t stand that saying. It fits, and so, so be it.

Just the idea of someone else’s child can bring up so many feelings, many of which I am ashamed of. I am ashamed because normal people would feel joy at someone getting married, or starting school, or having an achievement. But for me, it brings up all of the loss – the things I miss, the things I never got to experience with Erin, the memories of her illness, etc. It all comes flooding in within seconds, and no matter how I feel about the thoughts and feelings, they come anyway. I know they are normal. I still do not like them coming from my being. And I have to keep them silent or else they offend too greatly to recover from.

I have been visiting my Aunt for the last several days. One perk of working remotely is that I can be somewhat mobile. Anyway, it has been somewhat of a bittersweet visit. Erin should be here. She loved her Aunts and Uncles, and this is the first trip I have taken without her to their homes. Also, looking at family pictures, etc. has not been kind to me. Everyone else sees good memories, but I see sorrow. I’ve really had my fill and I don’t’ want to see any more. If you are family and reading, if I decline an invitation in the future it’s because I know I cannot physically take the experience. Please just deal with it and don’t pester me. I know, you haven’t, but I am trying to say in advance what I can and can’t withstand. I may be fine one minute and dying inside the next. It’s awful and just best for me to be alone with my elephant in the room.

That said, one thing that my Aunt reminded me of is that if we aren’t here in this awful place called Earth, with our lights to help others, then the light goes out and the darkness prevails. I know that is truth. It is all over lore and religious texts and other places. I remember a church song I learned in childhood, “This little light of mine.” Where do you think that came from? **smile** The Emerald Tablets of Thoth mention the lights of the souls, and how some shine brighter than others and some extinguish all together. And then there is the eternal story of the light and the dark, illustrated through writings and oral stories everywhere for eons.

No matter what your belief system is, shine your light. Stop the negative talk about and towards others, and offer uplifting thoughts and words. Do something for someone else, in service to others, daily. And not for the reward or for the “fruit” you may reap. Do it because it’s the right thing to do and expect nothing in return. If you cultivate your light, it will grow. But if you do nothing it will wither.

On Sunday, we visited the cemetery to see my grandmother’s, etc. graves. Before we even got out of the driveway though, there was an elderly lady who approached us. She was lost – didn’t even know what city she was in. She had wandered away from her home while her husband napped, and was not dressed for the weather and well, lost. So we sat with her until her husband got there to pick her up. Thankfully even though she was clearly in some stage of dementia, she remembered her address and her phone number.

That came naturally to me, but I wondered how many other people she had passed on her odyssey? She was several blocks from her home, and had come from a parallel street, so she had wandered quite a ways before she found us. Do other people think it’s just not their problem? Did anyone notice she wasn’t dressed for wind gusts and freezing weather? Why is there so much darkness in the world? Does it contribute to suffering? Death? How?

I suppose the only thing to do is to continue to cultivate my light, and hope that it illuminates the night enough to inspire someone else. It’s important to note that Jesus taught by example, and in my opinion never intended for anyone to preach but rather to live their light and provide an example to others. Again, the world-wide theme appears everywhere. It rears its beautiful head at times like Christmas, after 9/11, and other times where an outpouring of compassion and kindness spontaneously happens due to time of year or a world event. It is actually measurable (you can read about it here http://www.glcoherence.org/monitoring-system/about-system.html).

I’m only asking you to consider this concept, and pause before you act or react negatively. If needed, put yourself in my shoes. I wish so much that I had done just that so many times while yelling about homework, a mess in Erin’s room, or whatever. What mattered more than kindness and love? Nothing, but often times our actions and reactions take a different tone when we forget to shine our light, and for many reasons. But none of them matter, really, in the end.

Peace, blessings, and Namaste to you today. #missingerin

 

 

 

Feb 10

Be-Reaved

It had not occurred to me that the meaning of bereaved was literally “torn apart.” That is exactly what happens to you during grief of any sort. While I have to admit to myself that losing a child must be the absolute worst, I also know that grief is relative to the situation and the experiencer. For instance, a spoiled socialite may have only experienced the loss of a favorite pair of shoes, yet grieve just as vigorously as someone over the loss of a loved one. Maybe that is the biggest loss that she has ever experienced. Circumstances are different and so are reactions. You can’t compare grief or emotional responses, so just honor them all.

When I think of Erin, I am still torn apart. I always will be. I say I have nothing to lose because due to my new perspective, I realize that nothing else is valued as equal with my child, and so I have no more fear of loss. That doesn’t mean that I may not be bummed by it, but I have no fear of it. What else could happen that is worse? This time it’s not death, the popular answer to the “what’s the worst that can happen game.” Death would be a blessing. Being born into another body not so much.

Funny how perspective changes everything. To deal with fears, I was taught that “What’s the Worst that can Happen?” game. You go through it, and the worst is ultimately death of the physical body. But there’s more! If you believe in reincarnation, you reincarnate to live another day! Hell, if you believe in some version of heaven, you go there! Woo hoo! Life continues! Now that I realize the burden and responsibility of incarnating at all, I hold completely opposite views. Perhaps I just go the point of it all. Does that mean I’m done? Apparently not. I am still here.

Which brings me to something I wanted to mention. I “got” this last night after some introspection. If you watch the Walking Dead, then you saw the last episode where Tyrese had his swan song. He was urging Noah to go on early in the episode, saying how he himself had wanted to give up after losing those whom he loved, but if he had, he wouldn’t have been there to take care of (baby) Judith and get her back to her father Rick. So by him living he did something good for someone. He positively affected someone’s life – many lives actually. And he affected Noah’s that day, nurturing him until he also wanted to live and stand on his own. There was so much suffering in his heart but he kept going for others, and because he knew it was his destiny to do so.

So I hold on to this, because that’s really all that I can hope for. I can hope that one day I will know why I had to continue living. Because the misery doesn’t stop. It keeps going, it changes some, but it keeps going.

I will share the listed cause of death from the autopsy later on. I have to take this in pieces lately. I’m feeling just good enough most of the time lately to not fall apart, so I have to take it slowly. I have pictures I would like to publish, but can’t bring myself to think of them. I have thank you cards to write, but can’t make myself do it. There’s a part of me who no longer wants to acknowledge that Erin died. There’s a part of me who looks at this “post-Erin me” and wonders who the hell she is. I wonder why I continue to live in my house, but I can’t bear to pack up her things and vacate her room. I am forever locked in the past with my 10 year old daughter and she will never grow up or age.

And other than the obvious fact that this whole thing sucks, I also don’t like what it has done to me. I really am be-reaved. Torn in half. I understand that now.

#missingerin

Feb 03

Perspective – Where do I start?

Funny, as I was logging in I thought my first words would be “Where do I start?” Then as soon as I saw the Dashboard, I saw a draft from January 8 that says “Where do I start?” for the first words. Wow. Am I stuck in a loop?

So let me start with my experience from yesterday. First though, I need to explain how my heart chakra is feeling. The only way that I can describe it is perhaps “zen” because I feel neither love nor hate, and it’s very constant feeling as you would find with some sort of balance. The only thing that gets it going any other direction is the sadness that I feel for Erin. Otherwise it seems to have hit some spot of understanding – maybe that’s it? Understanding? I get it – IT being life. I get it. I get that we are all one, that it doesn’t really matter what happens because in the end we are all just living out the roles we came to play, etc. War or peace, it doesn’t matter. It all turns out however it is headed to begin with anyway.

That said, I was on my way home…I am still in the helpdesk every day until the end of March when the contract closes…and I look up as I’m pondering this. I also was pondering, nearly simultaneously, that I would certainly give up my coat if I saw someone who needed it. I happened to be in an older part of town where there are a lot of people who are clearly poor walking about. Anyway, I stop behind a car with a license tag ENDING in 444. The number of the heart chakra. Well if all is love, then yep, it all ends with the heart chakra. And I certainly feel like my entirety of life lessons ended with the change in my heart chakra that happened when Erin died, and I so severely changed my perspective.

Well, it wasn’t very long until I stopped again and this time the license tag BEGAN with 999. 999 is the triple number signaling completion. I haven’t had one of those in my vision in a very long time. I took it as, the lesson of the heart ends, you have reached a stage of completion. As a side note, I also just deleted all of the email contacts from Children’s Hospital mid-day yesterday. It fit.

And then I got home, and Shaun told me that they called and have Erin’s autopsy report ready. They wanted us to come to Birmingham to meet with a “panel of doctors” to discuss it. He told them not a chance, and I’m glad. I am so tired, and I don’t know how knowing what happened to her at this point will make me feel better. In fact, what if it makes me feel worse? What if it was “easy?” So he told them to ship it here, and we will then send it to our family practice doctor who we know well enough to sit down and cry with if need be. I’m still not sure I want to know. Hell, I’m OK with each of you knowing but maybe I don’t want to know. I don’t have to know, ya know?

So I’m a little bit bummed that I thought I had hit this level of comfort, and then this. But really, I suppose that it’s fitting since I did hit some level of completion. I still don’t like it. Come as you are though right? I AM not happy and a little argumentative. I am very sad. I suppose that I have no other purpose in life, now, than to continue to learn and be of service. It doesn’t give me joy one way or another to help anyone. It’s just the right thing to do. I don’t do it or desire it for any other reason.

And maybe that is what quantifies how I feel with my heart? I don’t desire anything. Maybe I have achieved enlightenment or nirvana or whatever. The weird thing is that although I might have known before that I was barking up a wrong tree, or needed to make a change, or whatever, I can’t tell you HOW. I still can’t. It took this life even to change my perspective and it did so in an instant. Now I know. But I don’t know how to tell you to effect the same change. I wish I did. I wish it didn’t take misery to show us lessons we need to learn.

But if I did come up with something to tell you, I would say learn how to practice joy. If you aren’t feeling joyous, stop doing it. Tired of running your kids to stuff they don’t want to go to anyway? Stop doing it. They don’t HAVE to do anything. There is no written rule saying so. Not feeling going to that dinner party? Don’t go. You don’t have to be ungrateful for being asked but if it’s not bringing you joy, just do yourself a favor and politely decline. Joy doesn’t treat others badly, but it does treat you nicely. It is felt in the heart. Yeah, there are some things you probably have to do – like make sure your family eats! LOL But that’s more responsibility and less choice, right?

And thank you all – too many to name – for being so kind to Shaun and I. We are still struggling and probably always will, and we appreciate all of you. Namaste and #missingerin

Jan 27

Matters of the Heart

Again, it has been several days since I last wrote. I am finding it harder and harder to speak about my feelings lately, and I’m unsure why. By the way, I just wrote “lastly” instead of lately, so I need to pay attention to that. I looked it up, the nerdy person that I am, and the word last actually has one definition that is “most lately.” So while that was technically correct in a sense, it also has these interesting definitions:

intransitive verb
1  to continue in time
2 a :  to remain fresh or unimpaired :  endure
b:  to manage to continue (as in a course of action)
c :  to continue to live
At this point in my tale of woe*, really all that i am doing is continuing. Continuing to breathe. Continuing to live. Certainly enduring. I cannot tell you how I am managing to continue, but I am. I keep reading all of this stuff about being active in your own growth and your desires. I guess continuing is some form of action, and it’s all that I can do right now. I feel as if I am stagnant, but truly I am doing good just to be alive.
I may have mentioned that I am in the office where I used to work for around the next 60 days. So on the way to work this morning, I was rather upset and then looked in front of me and saw the numbers 444 on a license plate. For those of you who follow numerology, or even just repeating numbers, 4 is the number of the heart chakra. Whether you count up or down, it’s chakra 4. I mentally thanked my guidance for reminding me that this work is of the heart, and then took a few moments to reflect on what that means for me and for humanity.
Our heart center is supposed to be extraordinary in that it has a tremendous electromagnetic field. It can affect people and even things and that is why heart’s desire is so important. It’s why compassion and love have such an effect on our fellow humans. Did you know that just after 9/11, there was a global change in the magnetic field of earth? Look here for more information (scroll down some). It’s really amazing what we can do via our emotions and focused thought. For those of you who believe in ETs, one of the reasons that humans are so “important” as a species is that we have both logic and emotion. Emotion is apparently a highly prized asset in the universe and it makes us special. I think Star Trek does a good job of showing those who fear emotion’s power (i.e., Vulcans) what an asset it can be. Just look at the interactions between Kirk and Spock, or the story of Data as he tried for years to understand and assimilate emotion into his programming.
Back to me, I have pondered my own heart center frequently. For awhile it felt charred and burned to a crisp. Now it almost feels numb, but I realized this morning it can’t be. I feel deeply the sadness that I am carrying, and I cry several times a day. Numb people don’t cry or feel such depths of sadness. There are times that I can’t feel anything else except my pain for Erin, but sometimes other things creep in. I feel moments of joy. After work yesterday I briefly cried as I read a note from Humana offering condolences at the death of my mom. I have seen news stories that made me cry, or read the stories of others on FaceBook. Perhaps my heart chakra is simply being re-calibrated.
That really doesn’t resonate about the recalibration, but remember, I’m just continuing on and not really doing too much else. This is like climbing a mountain with weights on your boots. I do know that I need to stop and check how I’m feeling more instead of running from it, and yet that’s easier said than done. It’s more comfortable to run. The feelings still catch up with me, but I can at least focus on running for a moment or so before they do.
For the first time in my life I have no direction, no desires, no inkling of what I am doing or why I am here. I always had a purpose, and knew that I had what I needed in life to help me along and to be happy. I don’t know that anymore. Truthfully, the world could end without me caring because I’ve lost my world. I guess that isn’t all bad, having nothing to lose that is. Think of what a leg up I would have should our society collapse. Most people would be grieving possessions or people, and I would be grieving nothing. If I’ve finally “got” it, I wish I could get on with it. Whatever it is.
I guess I’ve spoken about what I wanted today. 444 to you, and Namaste. #missingerin