Dec 18

Winter Solstice

Notice I didn’t say “Happy” Winter Solstice. I’m not even sure it’s today, but someone wished me Happy Solstice this morning. I think it may be 12/21, but still. This was something that Erin and I had begun sharing a few years ago, and so today I woke up melancholy. Cultures have been celebrating, or at least marking, the solstices and equinoxes for longer than we know. And when religions sprang up, they based their holy days (holi-days) around them. Do some research if you are interested. The information is out there in spades. But that’s not what I want to talk about today. Plus, I prefer that others learn on their own and put just as much work into knowing what they know as I have put into knowing what I know. So anyway…

I am sitting here melancholy, and I thought of the stories that Erin and I have read together for the last two years (this would have been the third). We were at the Mall on the Winter Solstice 2012, because she had a Build a Bear gift card that I promised her that she could use that day. Boy I was sorry when we got there – it was busier than I had ever seen it and we barely found a parking space. Plus we had my mother with us, which was always difficult. Having an adult that is more like a child along, who also knows they are an adult and thus minds worse than a child, is stressful. But again, I have digressed.

When we left the mall, it was a nearly hour long wait to get out of the parking garage. I have never experienced that before or since, and we were sitting in the car wondering what to do. So I got on my phone and found two of the most wonderful stories to read her. I am not sure I can read them myself today, because just finding them brought on a ton of tears, but I want to at least share them with you. They are short and you will enjoy them. Trust me.

The first is the story of the Yule Faeries. You can find the version we liked here. It is about the “death” of the old sun and the rebirth of the “baby” sun. Remember, the Solstice is the shortest day of the year and so it is a sort of death and rebirth event.

The second story is called The Candleberry Elf. It’s a tad longer, but such a wonderful story. You can find the version we liked here. I found this one especially heart-warming. I hope you enjoy.

I was feeling so blue before I started writing that I pulled a card for some encouragement. Guess what I pulled? Death: I am learning that endings are merely new beginnings. Damn. Not only did my team keep in line with today’s overall theme, they keep driving this point home to me. I hope they know something that I don’t, because the truth is that I understand that but I don’t have the will to keep going. The will to truly live is just gone. Every day is a struggle, every day is pain, and I just don’t care. I know I’ve said it before, so if this bores you I am sorry. Just think of how shitty it would be if you were to wake up feeling like this every day. I know depressed people who do, and some have no apparent reason for it. That doesn’t make their plight any less real or depressing, but at lest they have hope that maybe one day they wake up and don’t feel that way. I don’t. I will wake for the rest of my life reliving Erin’s illness and death. And that sucks. It sucks a big one. I really don’t know how to make lemonade with these lemons. They are rotten lemons for sure.

Maybe the energies of the Solstice will cleanse me and I will feel differently afterward. I am not holding my breath. But I do hope that you enjoy the stories.

Peace, love, and Namaste. #missingerin

Dec 17

Don’t Stop…Believin’!

Not a day goes by that I don’t ask myself what went wrong. Now, bear with me here and you will see that I eventually come to the same conclusions that I do when I am clear and unburdened, which still happens but only for seconds at a time these days. Oh, and no I didn’t have a title when I began, and then I got one, and it was a song lyric that I thought was weird and now it is gone from my mind in the span of only a few minutes. But alas, I do have one, and another song lyric. Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey. I have always loved that song but thanks to Julie M., it now has new meaning to me. And it seems appropriate for my post today.

Back to my story. I self-reflect (or self-mutilate my soulThis is) at times when I have a moment alone with my thoughts. That’s like when I go to the bathroom (anywhere), when I open the refrigerator door, when I go into a room where no one else is there, and times like that. It happens fast, and while I understand the dialogue that went on in my mind and the pain that hit my heart, it usually isn’t an actual English conversation. And it doesn’t have to be, because I traveled the path and understood the language. But I’m digressing…I ask myself most often what went wrong. How did I LET this happen? As if I had any control over it! I’m condensing this so bear with me some more…controlling situations is one of my lifelong issues. I did not have any control over my environment as a child. My childhood wasn’t like most of yours. I grew up with not a parent but a partier. I was frequently in situations that not only were emotionally painful to me but that I couldn’t control. So I learned to take charge, be assertive and harsh if needed. And guess what? You can’t control everything now can you. That’s a statement not a question. It’s a fact. It took me until mere days before Erin died to acknowledge that to the universe, to the creator, to whomever. I am not in control of this, please help me. I need help. Please help her. Still I was asking for MY desired outcome. That’ still a control issue.

So I go through this viscous circle of how did I let this happen, what did I do wrong, WHY did this happen, why am I being punished, how am I supposed to live without her, blah blah etc. etc. I say that somewhat smart-assedly because even though I firmly believe somewhat otherwise, I still ask very 3D questions to questions that have otherwise cosmic implications. As I read recently in a book about Native American beliefs, and I will paraphrase, how are we to know what The Great Mystery is doing? It is so vast, we will never know. That was a paraphrase – I hope I conveyed the gist. There are things about this lifetime and this situation specifically that I will never know in this body, and may not know when I shed it and return to spirit one day. This is the Me in Clarity speaking right now. Give me five minutes and I will be a blubbering mess again.

That’s my day, all day, every day. Asking things that are painful and that I will never know the answers to fully anyway. You can say stop torturing yourself, but you know that I can’t. My psyche is really just trying to get me to understand that there was nothing more I could have done and that Erin’s death was just meant to be. Doesn’t matter why – it was meant to be. My mind and heart can’t accept that. My soul can, though, because it Knows. At fleeting moments, mind, heart and soul meet and I have a moment of peace.

I probalby should have shared this first, but these are train of thought and somewhat meditative writings, so I let them flow. Before I began, I pulled a card from both decks I’ve been using. I didn’t get the first one, so I pulled from the Angel deck and got Sonya: I bring you a message from your deceased loved one: I am happy, at peace, and I love you very much. Please don’t’ worry about me.”

NO way that was a coincidence. I sure needed that message, and it also helped me to understand the first one. Success (??): I know that there is no greater goal than to love. I didn’t get it because I didn’t get the Success part. I get it now. There is no greater goal than to love. I feel like I have met that goal. I just wish that so much suffering and pain didn’t exist for me. I wish it for you too. It’s an abomination and it shouldn’t be so. I agree there is value in knowing what it’s like, but there is too much and it lasts lifetimes for some. That is another topic for another day, but it’s not right.

I will close by sharing my poorly taken picture of Sonya with you. Peace, love, blessings, Namaste, and #missingerin

Sonya

Dec 16

Facing the Darkness

I start out today not knowing the title, so when I figure it out it will be news to me but you will have already read it. After having a somewhat good day yesterday, I felt very sad and depressed last night. I cried myself to sleep again.

One thing that kept going through my mind, well let me just share it with you.

Once upon a time there was a young woman who didn’t want to ever get married or have kids. Then one day she met her future husband, and knew instantly he was the man she would marry. They had a good life together and had a lot of fun. After several years of no birth control, they wondered if they could have kids, and since their insurance was so good, they got tested. There was nothing wrong with them except a small cervix, and they were told that without insemination they wouldn’t have kids naturally the first time. So after some careful consideration, they decided they were happy and didn’t want to change their lives with the addition of children.

Then a few years later, suddenly the woman turned up pregnant. It was a shock, but once they got over the initial shock they were happy. And when their daughter was born, one day earlier than the due date, they immediately fell in love with her. Her name was Erin. And Erin turned out to be a wonderful child. Very headstrong, and somewhat fearful, but a wonderful child. And their family was more than they could have ever dreamed of. But one day Erin got sick, and no one could figure out what it was. In fact, it appeared that it kept changing it’s tune. It was deemed serious, but wasn’t supposed to be fatal. The woman never knew until minutes before her angel died that she was not going to live. It was devastating. She had been given a gift in life for a short time, and now it was gone. The end.

For whatever reason, that story has spoken itself over and over in my mind for two days now. and I was about to say, for what it’s worth, that I no longer know where I am going with this and may even scrap it all together. I still don’t quite have a handle on it, but there is something here for me to learn and to say. I needed to say this, and say it that way. There are several things I am feeling. I’m bitter. I feel as if I am being punished. I feel as if there is no joy on this planet. That’s a big deal to me, because I am stuck here. It feels like I – like WE – are set up to fail. We only survive, nothing more. I suppose that is a good learning experience for a soul, but it is too much to bear.

I read continuously this month that there is a lot of light coming onto the planet and into our bodies. Light illuminates the ugliness that has hidden in the darkness. Maybe I am just finding more of what has been inside, buried, killing me from within. What I really want is to escape, or at least to be reborn in a sense. I cannot do either it seems, though, and yet I keep trying.

Blessings. #missingerin

Dec 15

Some Kindness for Us Grievers

I want to write today about experiences over the weekend, but first let me tell you about the card I just pulled for myself. I had the strong urge today to pull from my Messages from Your Angels deck by Doreen Virtue. I don’t pull from this deck much. I actually bought it for my mother several years ago when she was “into Angels” and when she got dementia, they became mine. I also have a lovely Archangel deck, though, by Doreen if you like that sort of thing. If you are wondering, I don’t have any true Tarot cards because I don’t know how to read them. Maybe one day…

I pulled Shanti, who says “I am the Angel of Peace. I bring you new tranquility, and a smoother road ahead.” Bless her heart, she has a tough order if she’s going to bring me peace! But it was a lovely and much needed message today. As such, I want to type for you the entire message from the little book that comes with it.

“You have been through turmoil, and your soul is tired. Your mind craves peace and quiet, and I am here to help you with that desire. I will give you new opportunities to spend time alone, where you can relax your mind and your heart. I will bring tranquility to your soul so that you can mirror the pace of mind that is your true Divine nature.

Like the angels, you are able to hover within the eye of any hurricanes that may swirl around you right now. Through breath and intention, you can stay centered no matter what’s happening in your life. This inner foundation of peace has a powerful healing effect. Your outer life soon reflects your inner peacefulness. Smooth roads are ahead for you, and the worst is behind you now. A peaceful outcome to this situation is assured.”

I’m glad I took the time to read that, because I don’t always consult the book that comes with, but again a much needed message from Spirit today.

The interesting thing, now that I think about it, is that I have always worked very well in stressful situations. I am able to stay in the eye of the hurricane like it mentions above. But not this time. And that is part of what I have struggled with. There was no shelter whatsoever this time. I have been standing in the midst of the storm, naked and alone (metaphorically), and all that I have wanted was “out.” I still do – I just want it to end. I can imagine that, metaphorically speaking again, once I’m brought in from the storm I will feel much like a torture victim and experience the event over and over forever. There is no escaping the effects of this one. Nope. But if Shanti can help bring me peace, then I will welcome it.

That brings me to this weekend. Shaun and I went out for a little while on Saturday, and we ran into a person he knows and that I just barely know. He asked us how we were, and then very sincerely told us that he didn’t know what to say, that he knew we were awful, and that he didn’t know what else to do except for give us both hugs. He said, I feel like I should say something, but I don’t know what, so I will just give you hugs. I don’t know what this guy’s challenges are in his life, but he is clearly a kind soul and he couldn’t have been more spot on with his sentiments. You see, Shaun and I had just had a conversation while at home, just making small talk I guess, about people who have said nothing to us. Now, I am not saying this to garner sympathy, so please don’t take it that way and do not rush to send me a message or email. I am bringing this up not for myself but for anyone you know who experiences any type of loss. You know, you don’t just grieve people. You grieve relationships, jobs, possessions even. Any loss you will grieve in some fashion.

But yes, it was noticeable those who I have never heard from. It was noticeable those who didn’t show up for Erin’s service (and on the flip side, amazing for who did). I’m not sure what it says about them, but I assume it’s either they simply don’t care of have bad character. Because this guy was right about just saying something. What do you say? You can’t say anything to make me feel better, but you also can’t make me feel worse. I later told another friend who showed up, that her wearing Erin’s wrist band without me ever asking her to, that is enough. So was the guy’s hug. And a simple “I’m sorry.” That’s all – just let someone know you give a damn.

Someone I honestly don’t know well but have known for years, their son died over the weekend. I found out via a message on Facebook that someone I have known several years at work had a daughter who died. Do I view them differently now? Yes, because I know that they not only deserve, but they NEED my kindness more than the average person does. Erin’s death has ruined the rest of my life. I will have a life, yes, but not a great one. I will always have this shit cloud hanging over me and I will always have an open wound that doesn’t ever quite heal. These people do too. One little “I’m sorry” and a hug, it goes a long way.

Again, I am not asking for me. Think of this as a PSA and go out and hug a griever you know. Or at least give them a kind word. They may not be able to articulate it, but they will appreciate it more than you know.

Peace, blessings, and Namaste, and #missingerin

Dec 12

Friendship

I have been meaning to write this since Wednesday, but in thinking it over I now see why I had to wait. I’ll get to that, but on Wednesday I pulled a card and it was a different “tone” than the previous messages. It was Friendship: I understand that a friend is in my life for a reason.

Friendship is such a broad, general term. I really don’t like it so much, because it’s so generic. I attach a great deal of meaning personally to every relationship that I have, whether it be one made in passing in an elevator to someone I’ve known for 30 years. Every person that I come into contact with touches me in some way, unique to the person and our interaction, and I want to emphasize that before I continue. I’m deep that way. Lots going on in my heart and head on a constant basis.

So I thought it was a nice, positive message, but I did not post about it that day because I had this inner knowing to put it on hold. Then yesterday my focus was on Erin’s birthday, so I didn’t post it then either. Today when I revisited it, I knew why. I received so many heart felt messages yesterday from all sorts of people. Some people I have known for years but only recently gotten to know. Some I only know over the internet or Facebook. Many of those I added as friends because they were friends with someone else I knew who played Farmville, and now they have become so much more. I find that most interesting because out of all of the people in the world and on the net, our paths crossed, and I met these beautiful people. I don’t have to know them physically. They shine through the network lines when they write me. And some I have known well and have stood by me for years when I needed them. New friends and old, unique in their own way. Much more than friends though. It’s like having my own view of the lights of many souls shining and calling my name to look upon them. I really don’t have words to say how beautiful the experience of seeing them is.

I try to express my gratitude for their kindness and caring, and reply to each and every one. I am sure I miss people here and there, and I know that words don’t quite cover what I would like to convey. If only I could touch them and then they would understand. Maybe then I would feel more complete over it.

That brings me to today’s card, Growth: I want to expand my consciousness and my awareness. I have been well aware that this entire horrific experience, from a multidimensional and higher viewpoint, is about growth. More specifically, soul growth. I can either rise to the challenge or let it break me and have to do this again in another lifetime or life stream. I heard the words, life stream, as I was writing so I guess that came from my team of guides. I’m not sure right now what that means but perhaps it refers to the concept of all time being now, parallel and not linear, and so it’s all happening at once. Maybe I’m supposed to recognize this and pay heed to the dreams I keep having of those other life streams (??) where Erin has also died. Perhaps this is the particular life stream where I rise to the occasion? Today I am in a space where I can consider these things. Some days, I am not. I do know, however, that I would never be able to do it without those beautiful lighted souls that have walked this journey with me.

So I will ponder my epiphany in the last paragraph by myself, unless you have something to add 🙂 I really just want to thank you all and to honor knowing each and every one of you in this post. Words can’t express my gratitude, and you have no idea how much your kindness means to me. If you could only see the smile, the tears, and feel the warmth in my heart as I read your words, then you would understand.

#missingerin

Dec 11

Happy Birthday Erin, We Miss You

Today, unfortunately, is all about it being Erin’s 11th birthday and her not being here with us to celebrate it. Sad doesn’t begin to describe it, but sometime during the night I became somewhat numb. Maybe it was the fatigue. I felt like I was up all night.

I don’t know if I posted it, but I dreamed once that I was in another reality and that she died in that one too. Well, last night I had a similar dream but different reality. I guess the message is that her Soul really left the Earth plane on every reality. I still can’t believe it’s true for this reality, but I guess this is giving me insight and closure of some sort.

I don’t have much to share today. I’m sort of hollow inside, with a few bouts of tears here and there (so far). But I will share this. I felt like I was up all night because Puppy, Erin’s dog, was up all night. He never leaves his bed unless it’s to come lay next to my side of the bed on the floor. This is a constant – never happens. He doesn’t even leave the bedroom to go potty in the mornings when Shaun leaves, or gets up on the weekends. He waits until I get up and then he leaves.

I have no idea what time it was. I have a policy that I don’t look at the clock if I wake up, because then I stress about going back to sleep. So I hear him get up at some time, and his little toenails clicking on the wood floor in the hallway. The first time he waited a bit before coming back. I thought that was weird. Then he came back and went to sleep. I can tell by the way he breathes and snores 🙂 Well, it happened again, and again, and again. I lost count around the 7th or 8th time, but I think it happened 10 or 11 times in all. Since I was basically awake (trying to sleep), I realized that sometimes I would hear a noise that wasn’t normal in the house, and once he even jumped up at it and ran out of the bedroom door. Other times there was no noise. It went on all night it seemed.

After a few times, I realized that he was hearing Erin in her room. The length of the footsteps would have taken him that far in my estimation. I think she was in her room all night on and off and Puppy heard her and went to check it out. I was so tired I didn’t get up, and figured if she wanted to visit she would come to our room. I haven’t been in there to look this morning, though. Going in there is very painful for me. It is exactly as she left it except for the few items we laid on the bed after we returned from the hospital.

I miss her more than words can say. I am also amazed at the strength of the emotions after over 4 months of not seeing her or hearing her voice. Every day they are as fresh as they were then. I hope no one ever has to go through this, but apparently there are many. I feel sorry for us. There is nothing anyone can say to make us feel better or worse. We will always feel terrible, until the day we leave these bodies and move on.

Erin, we love you so much and miss you more than words can say. #missingerin

Dec 09

Deep Sadness and Not Much More

Ugh, well I’ve been trying to write a blog post for three days now. If you know me well, you will know that when I hold it all in I am really upset and hurting. Well, maybe people don’t know that who know me well, because I am holding it in 🙂 Hey, I can be depressed and sad but still see the humor and irony in things.

It really started in on Sunday. I could feel it coming for no apparent reason other than I knew her birthday is coming up. It’s December 11, two days from now. She would have been 11. I can still hear her recite her name and birthdate for the nurses in her sweet little voice. You would think those memories would make me smile, and they do for about 10 seconds, then the tears come. Honestly, this week I feel like she just died all over again. I feel raw, angry, and very sad. I have shed so many tears I should be dehydrated.

Ah, now I remember what set me off on Sunday to begin with. Conditioner. To be specific, Pantene conditioner for curly hair. Shaun is really practical, so the week after we had Erin’s service he went to her bathroom and gathered all of the shampoo and conditioner bottles. She had a few different ones, and I don’t remember why. Using them to begin with nearly killed me. They were hers. I would have left them in her bathroom for years if he hadn’t brought them to ours.

Well on Sunday, I used the last drops of the Pantene conditioner for curly hair. And I cried. It was another ending, something else of hers that is gone now. And I thought of her hair. It was so pretty and thick and curly. She used to ask us to straighten it, but in the past year she seemed to really like it curly and left it alone. I also had wished that I had cut a large lock of her hair off. I asked the funeral home to do it, and they only gave me a small piece. I was disappointed but it was too late. All of that was going through my mind as I got out of the bath, and it is still rummaging around there.

Later in the day, I pulled a card. I thought, I need some encouragement and asked for some from the Universe. I pulled, again, Death: I am learning that endings are merely new beginnings. Grrr was what I was thinking. I get it – I’m saying my life is over and yet something ended and now there is a new beginning. Great advice, and probably true, but you live it and then come tell me how it went you assholes. And on that note, does anyone else ever wonder if God, Creator, the angels, guides, ETs, you insert a name here – do they ever realize the depths of our suffering on this planet? I can’t imagine they do, but if they do they are very cruel to lock us down here. This place has beauty and yet living here is excruciatingly painful. We put on a brave face, but it sucks.

Yesterday I tried again. I kept thinking, write about the conditioner. But I cried – loudly – all day from the time I stepped out of the bed. Please give me guidance! I said, and pulled a card…which was Patience: I accept that everything happens in divine order. Really? Granted it’s not one of my virtues, but damn, that’s the answer? It wasn’t helpful in any way that I can see so far. I’m open though – hit me Universe! Where’s the ray of hope in all of this?

Then there is today. I really woke up with dread today, and I was also back to my being unable to sleep past a certain point, which apparently only happens when I’m emotionally upset. I can remember when I was younger and a much different person, I had a bout of depression of sorts a few times and I just took some sinus medicine and slept for hours. It was a period in my life when I didn’t mind drugging myself up (not “drugs” I mean like Nyquil, etc.) and so I guess that’s why not sleeping is so new to me. Imagine going from what I suspect is undiagnosed Chronic Fatigue to staying up late and getting up early, all because you can’t sleep. I will probably crash at some point, but more than that I feel like an ass. All of Erin’s life I was tired and needed more sleep than they did. Which was a sore spot. And in the hospital, I was so exhausted that I slept through them working on her most nights in ICU. I felt guilty about it, even though they said they would wake me if they needed to. And now, I’m freaking up. I guess that’s some cruel joke.

I’m not as weepy today, but I’m weepy. And dreadful. And so looking for guidance, I pulled another card. Denial: I acknowledge my fear, but I replace it with the insight of awareness. Ok, if I replace my crap with the insight of awareness I would say this…I avoid feeling my emotions by constantly reading, playing some sort of game, watching TV, doing something (anything) to take my mind off of Me. I still have trouble believing this is all real, and I continually expect to see Erin walk out of her room. But the worst is the knowledge that I will wake up every day for as long as I live having to remember that my 10 year old daughter died right in front of me, and that I will never see her again. I wonder how I can go on like that, and I don’t see it ever getting any better. I had some hope for awhile, but not much anymore. Know why? I heard a lady the other day on a radio show. I had read her book, and her 16 month old daughter died and she described her devastation in her book. It was familiar to me. Well on the show, she says “It’s been 30 years and I still tear up and cry sometimes thinking of her.” She went on to say that she is surprised every time at how strong the emotion is after so long. Then someone else I was reading, they said you can’t be successful with holes in your heart. So thank you, nice people who write books,  and do sessions for me and those who write to me and encourage me, but I think it’s pretty clear that there is no way out of this one. There is only death or denial, and neither of those will be profitable to my spiritual journey in this lifetime. From that, I can deduce that there is only failure.

I can’t see my way out of this one. I have begged for a miracle to end my suffering. But I begged for one to save Erin’s life, and so I don’t expect any divine intervention. What would be the point? Then I wouldn’t learn whatever it is I’m supposed to get out of this. Plus there are other people suffering on earth. If there was a reason to help, there are people more worthy of helping out there. Still, my suffering is great. I guess that was it for today. Thank you for listening to me pour my heart out.

#missingerin

Dec 06

Death and Gratitude

I read a friend’s blog post yesterday, and she said something like that she knows usually what her first sentence is going to be, and when she doesn’t, it’s an odd day. Something like that. Well I’ve said that about my titles, and I only mention it because I thought it odd that today’s title is Death and Gratitude. Those two things don’t really seem to go together. You probably already know from reading this blog that when things are juxtaposed as such, it’s an indication for me to take notice. So let me start at the beginning…

This has been a rough week. It’s not that I have been weeping non-stop, or that I have been incapacitated. It’s more that there are countless holiday commercials, people going on with their lives, Erin’s 11th birthday is coming up on next Thursday, and Shaun and I both are just very down. On that note, he has thus far “publicly” been more up than I have. He’s avoided it, but then it hit him. You would think I would enjoy the “company” but nope, I can see how badly he is hurting and that makes me hurt worse. We disagreed yesterday about something I was doing related to holiday stuff (personal, and a long story), and I couldn’t even open up enough to tell him my reasons why. It was too painful, so I just kept it in. Maybe I will write him a note since he doesn’t read my blog.

Anyhoo, I haven’t been writing or doing much introspection over the last few days because it was too painful. In fact, I’ve kept myself busy with some mental task or another so that I can block it all out. But yesterday I got off my arse and pulled a card. It was Death: I am learning that endings are merely new beginnings. Yippee. I already knew that. I suppose I haven’t embraced it, but I knew that. If nothing else, the understanding that who I was died with Erin is ample evidence that I do. But embrace it? Not a chance. How can I? I’ve said already that I have been set up to fail. I was given an impossible situation and expected to roll with it, apply higher understanding to it, and learn from it. Hey, I’m good but I’m not that good. And yet I wonder why I am still striving to meet this head on? There must be a part of me that believes I will somehow pass this test and get the pat on the back saying “I knew you could do it.”  I’m either brilliant or I’m crazy. Or maybe I’m both, because who in their right mind analyzes their shitty life situations this way?

So moving on to today, just before beginning to write I pulled Gratitude: I am thankful for this life and the opportunities that it presents. Ugh, whatever. I told Shaun last night that honestly, it’s not that I wish anyone ill will because I don’t, but I would be lying if I said I was actually happy for anyone who has a life going well for them in any form or fashion. I am not happy for them or angry, but I’m not happy for them. I am not sure what type of gratitude, if any, I have left. And there is the point I think. I am smart enough to hear the universe saying “This is a gift, find your gratitude for it” but I don’t see it. I don’t want to see it. Perhaps I needed to admit that.

The irony is that the whole damn thing pisses me off. If I use what I think I know about how life and the universe works, and then look back at myself, I’m a stubborn child in all of this. I can hear myself saying, as if watching a TV show, “Man, can’t you see what is happening? You know how to get through this and you aren’t using your toolkit!” But the me that is living this is defeated. Well, maybe not 100% yet but it’s hard to bounce back from this.

I received a lovely email last night from one of Erin’s school friend’s mothers. Her child and two others who were also friends did a balloon release ceremony in Erin’s honor. It was so sweet but I nearly collapsed looking at the pictures. Once I’m feeling better, I will post them here and on Missing Erin.

Hugs,

#missingerin

Dec 02

Last Night’s Meditation Experience

This is going to be a somewhat different post than the type I’ve been feeling lately. Yes I’m still sad…but let me put that aside for a moment in order to share with you something that I experienced yesterday and this morning.

Over and over during readings of various types, and during my own meditations, card pulling, or otherwise seeking guidance from my team, I have been told meditate. Meditate, and raise your vibration from the sadness, and also that not only will I connect with Erin through meditation but that I will also be able to do so in new ways once I get out of this quagmire of sadness and can meet her vibration.

Now for those of you who may be new to these topics, let me briefly explain. Do I sound like I’m running a race here? I feel like it for some reason. I guess I am excited to share this with you and can’t type fast enough. Anyway, when we die we shed our bodies. Doesn’t matter what you believe in or who, everyone except for some atheists believe that the spirit lives on after we die. But how? The Soul is forever. I know some differentiate between Soul and Spirit, but for this sharing, I may use them interchangeably. So the Soul separates from the body only to go to somewhere (insert your version here). It’s another density, vibration, dimension – again insert word here.

I don’t claim to understand it but I understand parts. That is how those who have shed their bodies communicate with mediums, how non-Earth entities and spirits communicate, and how we see them in our dreams. They are another vibration, and some can sense it and some can’t, but at some point most of us will rise to the occasion so to speak. The old church song that goes “All of the dead shall rise, righteous meet in the skies” comes to mind as a metaphor actually, because we will see their higher vibrational form at some point when we ascend our own vibration to whatever “heaven” that we end up in.

Before we get stuck on semantics, here is what I wanted to share. I actually felt Erin asking me to meditate for a day or so, but I just couldn’t. I was already sad enough, very unfocused, and didn’t want to go there. But I promised that I would, and a day or so later, I got quiet as I laid down to sleep last night and decided to see if I could find her. I was immediately taken to our new special spot. It’s a pasture of sorts with a huge apple tree that showed up in a reading I had with Lisa Gawlas some time ago. The apples are knowledge and mine is overflowing. Erin and I will sit for a few minutes eating various apples and such when I meet her there.

Last night I was already having a hard time focusing, so I didn’t see too many details of her face and such, but she was immediately there dressed in jean shorts and a white shirt with colorful horses on it that Aunt Shirley gave her last year. She insisted that I join her in some play for a few minutes and then we both collapsed under the apple tree.

I got stuck from the get go on how fast things were moving, like zipping around from point a to point b and she taught me something important. Where I was “visiting,” I needed to understand that the rules of Earth do not apply. Things are different. Accept them for how they are and let that go. How smart is that? You’d have thought in all of these years I would have realized that I was imposing my reality on a different reality but nope, she had to tell me that. Now, I can’t sit still very long but I did as long as I could, less than 10 minutes really. But she told me she had to go and she hugged me and I looked at her ear ring holes for some reason. I saw them very clearly, and they looked like they always did (a little red and irritated) and I mentioned earrings, and suddenly her dragonfly earrings were there and she literally lifted up in the air and like a whirlwind of light energy, dissolved as she flew up to the heavens.

Then I got up and went through the open portal (door) and was suddenly back in my own “special place” that I use for meditation. I have mentioned that I don’t meditate much, but long ago I created the special place for meditations, past life regressions, etc. I can see it pretty clearly and know it well. I ran over to my bed and jumped on top of it. I have a lovely bed there. I love my bed more than my couch so made sure I had one in my special place. And guess what? My TEAM was there to greet me.

Since Erin died and even before, I kept my spiritual work at bay because I was too tired, worried, stressed, unfocused, etc. to really do any work. But the last few times I have had reason to go to my special place, the same group of folks has been there. Let me introduce them to you: a Minotaur, Thoth, and Isis the Mother goddess. The first person to greet me was the minotaur. I don’t know his name but he is very gentle and loving. Thoth was there, but sort of in the background. Isis came straight over to hug and comfort me and this was when I realized, hey, this is my team and they have been here all along. She said as much – we have been waiting on you! I have to pause and say how utterly stupid I feel that I have been wondering who my team was, but didn’t put any effort into determining who they were other than a group in the background helping me out. (Think of your team as your guardian angels. Who they are can change over time.)

I had a new team member there too and I knew him on sight. Krishna, yes the Hindu one of the blue race. He has sort of been making himself known to me lately and he was there. By the way, some equate Krishna with the person of Jesus. They are indeed very similar souls but I believe they are different people. Anyhoo, he put his hands on my feet and Isis put her hands on my head and they began streaming energy through my body. I could physically feel it actually and it was soothing. At one point she sort of “twisted” my head off, then pulled it up off of my body, and it was some sort of energy release and adjustment. It felt good anyway. After awhile my consciousness drifted and I forgot about my special place and then later went to sleep.

Now here is the good part! I work from home, and so set my alarm for the latest possible time that I can to get up. I was not yet awake at 7:17am when I heard the first beep. The dreaded smoke detector battery has gone bad beep. So I hear the first one, become awake, and say something to Erin that I hear her. But then I heard the next one and realized what it was, and so got up. After some detective work, I realized that **sigh** it was the one in her room. I still don’t go in there because it makes me cry. So I got the ladder and took it in and replaced the battery. Beep stopped for about 3 minutes and I hear another! This time, it was in her play room. There are probably 5-6 detectors upstairs and the only ones that beep are in her rooms? That’s when I realized that it was not a coincidence and that she wanted me to take notice.

I looked around her rooms to see if I could find any messages of note, and I couldn’t, so I came to work (downstairs) and pondered it and what has come to me is that she was reminding me that what I experienced last night was absolutely real. I could have so easily dismissed it as wishful thinking, or my imagination, but she was telling me that I am here, with you, and that was real.

Well I don’t know what I am supposed to do with it except for to continue to go within (meditate, etc.) and to try to find my way through this. I will take any relationship that I can get with her, even if it is a non-physical one. Yes, I still want to touch her and see her with my physical eyes but I will take what I can get at this point.

Yesterday I was thinking that I had little real gratitude for anything. There was just nothing I was grateful for. I still somewhat feel that way, but I am definitely grateful that Erin is still here with me and that she is teaching me whatever it is that this horrible Earth experience has for me to learn.

So peace, blessings, and Namaste you wonderful people. #missingerin

Dec 01

Holiday Blues

Post holiday blues, holiday blues…take your pick because this entire season is going to be ridiculously tough for me. I struggle more on the inside, so when you see me you may think I look fine. Or, if you know me well, you can see it just under the surface. I keep a lid on it, somehow. That’s what being socialized in a male dominated world has done for me. So bravo! I can conduct business like a champ but on the inside, I am still dying.

If I could go back to say anything to Erin, maybe I would condense it into simply “Mommy can’t go on living without you. I will have to die with you my sweetest of peas.”

I was blessed with having a bad cold over the holiday. Yes, blessed. Because when I don’t feel well, my mind is on my body and not on my heart or mind. So I was rather unfeeling, and a lot asleep, over the holiday. But that changed last night after a barrage of holiday shopping commercials during The Walking Dead that we couldn’t change fast enough. As it turned out, both of us went to bed very sad (I cried into my pillow for awhile), and both of us woke up very sad and depressed. For the first time in a few weeks at least, I burst into tears as soon as I got out of bed.

From now on, Fall is just going to majorly suck for us. You have Halloween, Thanksgiving, Papa’s birthday on 11/27 (Pronounced “pawpaw”) which fell on Thanksgiving this year and no we did not celebrate it with him, Erin’s birthday on December 11, Christmas, and then Shaun’s birthday on January 1. Yippee. Not to mention the sucky summer coming up with Shaun’s brother Greg’s death in early May, the forever memory of our last anniversary being spent in the hospital with Erin (May 11), July and August – she died on August 14 and her service was on my birthday August 18 and she would have started the 5th grade, and my mother’s birthday October 16. All things that “family” celebrates or marks in some way that either brings you happiness or sadness.

That is the only paragraph or otherwise that I am going to mention the actual name of any damn holiday. Yes, I’m avoiding it, and I think that avoidance may be the only reason that I have had any joy at all in the last few weeks (if you can call it joy). There is a part of me that would like to say, if you have never grieved, take heed because your life will be shit when you do one day. It’s over. Live with it or don’t. And if you are grieving, I can’t believe that you and me both haven’t off’d ourselves yet. Why the hell are we still living? Beats me. We must be gluttons for punishment (I know I am).

Yet there is still a glimmer of the person that wants to say There must be a reason that I have to experience this, and I am going to hang in there and hopefully see what it is. I hope there is a reason. I need a reason, and so do you, and maybe together we can make it.

Just a glimmer. I am not sure I really believe my self-talk or the multidimensional shit that I have read and learned over the years. I also don’t’ want to hear that I’ll see her in Heaven one day. Whatever. That’s taking it on faith just as much as what I have come to understand, and neither of us knows. And, I still have to wake up every day and face this until the day I die. And, what kind of loving deity would put us through such heartache? None that I know of. Which brings me back to there must be a reason, and I must have had some hand in planning this between lives, or whatever. Well, Balls. That’s the nicest thing akin to a curse word that I can come up with for my blog post without cursing a blue streak.

I am bitter today. Bitter, bitter, bitter. That may have even replaced the sad. Oh, and my card for the day…Freedom: I possess the power and the free will to create my own happiness. Again, balls.

No peace, no blessings, and no Namaste. #missingerin