Give a Little Love

OK, you caught me. I’m suddenly humming the Judd’s song by the name of this blog post title. Well, that song isn’t quite the spirit of my thoughts, but it will do. I posted on Facebook a little bit ago that the world needs more love today, and that I thought that was what was wrong anyway. Wrong with what you say? Well, everything. There is so much hate and all of those negative emotions that take you down that path floating around, those of us who are mindful should work harder today to counteract them with some love. And those of us who just got a spark from reading that, you do your part too. Just conjure up that love feeling for the entire world, and project it out. You can do it! It may sound hard, but I promise it’s not.

Even the worst of people aren’t all bad. If you don’t believe me, pick one and look into their past. Most if not all of them were mistreated, or mislead, by someone they loved or held as an authority figure. Maybe they never received any gesture of love themselves, and it shaped them. Then you have true psychopaths. They aren’t “right.” They are sick. Don’t they deserve love too? Sending out love doesn’t mean there are no consequences for actions, but you can administer those consequences in a more kind and compassionate way. Every living thing deserves love, kindness, and compassion. Why? Because we are all one, and if one of us does, all of us do.

I’m going to veer off now to my card of the day, because I have alraeyd mentioned that there are a string of negative emotions on the negative side of the scales that lead to hate. Hate being the most extreme polarity (love — hate), but you know, it’s mostly in the gray area for people. And most people don’t understand that emotions like shame, guilt, sadness even, are on that negative side of the scale. They lead to a lot of ill gotten things like repressed emotions, pain, and convoluted thinking by the Ego. And then, of course, to the person acting out and hurting others (even if verbally). Yeah, this could be a whole paper, but it’s not it’s a blog post. So sorry for rushing through it.

My card today, just as I was thinking out loud about needing more love in the world, and briefly crying and speaking to Erin telling her that she is what inspires me to love so much…my card is Guilt: I release any beliefs that no longer assist in my soul’s growth. Loving MYSELF would certainly allow me to open up to release that now wouldn’t it? Ah, the revelations that come to me when I focus.

I can see how it would be hard to love others without loving ourselves, too. I admit, I really sort of like myself. I have for a long time. I used to not, but I worked to change that and was quite pleased with the results. But Erin’s death has caused me to really look deep within myself. At first I couldn’t see past things like regret. It’s amazing how well finality can illuminate that, and if more people would really take ideas like the song “Live Like You Were Dying” to heart, maybe they could find some peace and love within themselves. All things final change your perspective, because you can’t go back, and you really have to take stock of your decisions. Since most of the time you don’t get to see it on the front end, you take stock of them in hindsight.

Easier to say than do, though. I have been carrying guilt since before Erin died, and while it’s really more subtly regret, it’s just a flavor of the same emotion. I no longer love myself very much and have a lot of inward disdain. But holding on to those will not assist in my soul growth. In fact, holding on to this will hinder it.

At this point, I sometimes wonder why I even care about soul growth anymore. I used to know that it was what I was really living for. You know, my purpose. Everyone’s purpose, even if they didn’t know it. And that brings me back to Love…and to Erin. Some say that our only true purpose is to love and to Know Love (capital letters there guys…). I have now Known Love. Real, Unconditional Love I mean. And if I don’t strive to be the best that I can be, and to Be Love with what I have left, then I am wasting it. And I’m doing all of you a disservice. We are all One you know.

Peace, love, and Namaste bitches! I guess I’m getting my sense of humor back with all of this love floating around!

#missingerin

Why do I get all the hard stuff?

Today I pulled three cards. When you do a three card spread, the first card (L) is the immediate past, the second card is the present, and the third card (R) is the immediate future. You know that time is funky, so they can all be happening nearly simultaneously depending on how fast your life seems to flow at the time.

Card one was Envy: I am the same as everybody but with different challenges. I pulled that card 2-3 times last week or the week before (I have forgotten now), and I don’t quite understand its message for me. The subtext, ok I get that but I don’t see how it applies. Perhaps it has meaning in the sense that I have wished many times that I could have kept my child like other people, but in wishing that I didn’t consider their challenges? We all have challenges and some are the same and some aren’t. Comparing them, we may overlook that another’s challenge is felt with the same magnitude as ours even though we don’t view it that way. For instance, earlier today I said I’d rather be homeless than to be without Erin. She and I could have made it in a box – at least we would have been together.

Card two was Failure: I understand that a mistake is only an opportunity to learn. Ah, this I know well and I have “preached it” so many times. Yet I carry my perceived mistakes like some stinking old baggage and while yes I learned from them, I can’t seem to put them down. I did not see this as a dominant theme for me this week, though. I guess that’s why I pull the cards – to see what I’ve missed.

Card three was Adversity: I accept that challenges are the best way to learn. Grrrrr (that’s a growl, and yes I audibly growled). That I know too, but damn, I have more challenges coming? And I have to accept that? Hell no! Well maybe, OK, as long as I don’t have to repeat this shit over in another lifetime whether incarnate or disincarnate. Let’s get it over with.

I have pulled these three cards, separately, so many times that I bet my Team, as I call them, are just short of throwing them at me. I would be. But getting from the head to the heart is harder than it looks, and vice versa. Maybe I’m stuck somewhere in between and just have to get over some sort of hump.

At any rate, I woke today and it feels like a dream that Erin was ever even alive. I admit that the thought of that brings tears to my eyes, because I can still feel what that means, but the whole idea of her is fuzzy. I can no longer remember what it is like to have her in the house. The vivid memories are gone, unless they are called up by something in particular. I can barely hear the sound of her voice, see her curls and her face, and other stuff. I have to focus very hard to conjure the image up, and looking at pictures I think “Wow” because I can’t really picture those memories the way I did before. Maybe it’s a blessing, who knows. I’m sure it won’t last. I had an episode earlier today where I could think of nothing but the moments preceding her death. I could see myself there but I couldn’t feel it.

Before the melancholy sets in as it gets dark, let me wish you peace, blessings, and love. Namaste and #missingerin .

Unhappy Blah

Well, today wasn’t very happy for me. There was nothing inherently wrong with it, but I am sad and lonely. I have much, and have some degree of gratitude for it. I have a good husband who I love dearly and have since the day we met. I have a nice home, clothes and food, a car, and a job. I have friends – and I will include acquaintances because so many people have been kind to me, that who cares how well I know them they are friends. I have friends who have been wonderful, some of them old friends who have been there for me to such a degree I am forever thankful. I have on in particular who asked if I wanted to come over tonight while Shaun was gone, so that I didn’t have to be alone.

Which is what I want to whine about tonight. Yes, I feel like I’m whining. If you are saying “No you aren’t” then thank you but I am sort of at a point that when I observe myself cry, it makes me cringe. Do you ever find yourself as the Observer? I do. I am sure that there is some psychological term for that. Anyway, I am both the Participant and Observer sometimes, and it’s quite interesting and odd and can give me great insight if I use it. Now I have digressed…

The point is, I’m just damn sad. Yes I’ve been sad, but I have periods when I am sadder than usual, and one crept up on my beginning yesterday and it got worse today. It’s like being consumed by a fire, or even a wave. I suppose whether by fire or water, depends on how I am feeling. The low feeling in the pit of my stomach, that’s the wave. Then the raging sadness, that’s the fire. I suppose it is both, in a strange mix that only the creator knows what it’s made of.

It has ravaged my body in ways that I never knew possible. For awhile I couldn’t eat because it made me feel sick. Now I’m used to not eating, and some foods that I used to love still make me sick. Hey, I lost 20 lbs within a month so why complain. The thing is, I tried at first to become active to make myself feel better, but realized that you can’t exercise when you have barely eaten. Tends to make you pass out.

I had begun down a path of gray hair and wrinkles in 2007 , the year that my stepdad died and left my mother destitute and on a beginning path to mental illness (later diagnosed as dementia). I’m an only child and there was no other thing to do but help her (read: Take care of her and her business). That said, here we were in 2012 and not only did Mom move in with us, making our lives a living hell, but then shortly afterward it seemed, Erin got sick. I’m surprised that I am not in the hospital.

I thought about a physical after Erin died, but the truth is I don’t care. My only criteria is no more suffering, please. Make it clean and easy if I die. This has broken me inside and out. Also, I can assure you that I don’t have the luck to die soon. I will live for years, and be healthy. That is how things go for me and while it may sound odd to you, you can take this one to the bank. For whatever reason, I chose the path less traveled in this life. That means the hard one if you didn’t get that right off.

I have had some of the best experiences, and some of the worst. Most of you probably don’t know about the worst ones. Suffice it to say, it’s been a lifetime of heartache. I wonder, often, why in the hell me? I don’t know. I wonder if anyone else has the same type of life experience that I do? I would still choose this journey I suppose, but it has been nothing but heartache. Some part of me must have thought I was up for this experience. Sounds like me, because I jump in with both feet. But I wasn’t up for it. I did OK until this. It broke me. I am broken, both inside and out.

As I said, I have much to be thankful for. It’s not Shaun’s fault that I carry this pain (Erin) without talking about it. It’s like it’s too personal to discuss. I would be happy to share if, like in the movies, he could just touch me and know. Putting it into words seems like an insurmountable task, though. Crying doesn’t seem fair to him or to anyone else who wants to sit with me. And the thought that I somehow have to find a way around or through this sadness, seems preposterous.

It has been around 4 months now since I have been able to talk with my daughter. She was unconscious for 12 days before she died. That was harder than anything. I just want to go back to the moment when we said “We will see you when you’re finished” and instead, give her a hug and kiss and tell her how much I love her. But I didn’t know that would be the last time she would hear me as a conscious human. I know people in comas hear you, but it’s not the same, and they can’t talk back to you. The few minutes they woke her on the second day in, I didn’t know that would be the last time she would open her eyes. I didn’t know. And any healing that happens, when I remember these things it breaks the wound open again and again.

Tonight, wish me peace. #missingerin

Honesty

No idea what today’s theme is, unless I take a cue from the card I pulled, which was Honesty: I can’t always expect the truth from others, but I can expect it from myself. Can I? Because I’ve been trying to fake it until I make it and have kept believing that I could shake this sadness and I’m not really sure I can now that I think of it. Perhaps admitting I may fail is the key here? I am not sure. Perhaps being unsure is the key? I think I’m getting to the meat of what I am to learn today. Well, I’m unsure of that also. Perhaps it’s all lies and distraction.

In fact when dealing with our psyche, I would say much of what goes on in our heads is lies and distraction. We tell ourselves we look good when we feel that we look awful. We tell ourselves that someone loves us when we do not feel loved. We tell ourselves that situations will be OK, when we know they will not. Lies and distraction. It’s valuable – it helps us get through the moment.

And that is precisely why it’s valuable. Even a Jedi Master would use distraction and the art of self-deception to get through a tough situation (such as torture, perhaps). You “go somewhere else” mentally, quiet your mind, etc. You disengage from what is really happening around you. The difference between us and them, is that being a Master, it is unlikely they will believe the lie after the situation has passed. Most of us, though, we keep believing the lies our psyche builds because it makes us feel better.

I feel that I am at least better off than some because I recognize that what I am “using” is a lie. If I couldn’t see and acknowledge that, I would be bad off for sure. Or if you look at it another way, blissfully ignorant. Since I am a seeker – knowledge, wisdom, etc. – well I have already taken that blue pill (or was it the red one?) and I am wide awake, eyes open, and no longer able to be blissfully ignorant. I wonder sometimes if I have done myself a favor or a disservice in that regard.

Well anyway, I am honestly miserable. If I am honest with myself, I am miserable most all of the day. I try not to be, but it’s just there. I’ve been told over and over that Erin doesn’t want me to be sad. Hell, I was told that by good Mediums. And I know it already for reasons that I can’t quite explain. Well, what did anyone expect to happen? That I would be happy? It is as if I’m set up to fail.Or hey, maybe I’m the person on Earth who will crack this how to be happy after someone you love dies! Yeah, I’m sure that is it.

I think I’ve derailed myself with those details…to be honest. Funny how that term keeps coming up! I also have that Billy Joel song, Honesty, playing in my head in the background. Over and over. You know, the words are talking about his relationship with others, but you’ve got to admit that it’s a sad and lonely feeling song. And when we peel back the veil and see the ugliness, in all of its truth, it sort of feels the same way.

Walking the line between sugarcoating or flat out lying to myself, and seeing the cold hard truth for what it is, is exhausting. But it’s sometimes necessary for me to cope with my current life experience. I am sure it is for at least some of you, too. Just remember to look, later when you can, at what you are really thinking, experiencing, feeling, and address it as soon as you are strong enough.

I should end by apologizing for this half-article, half-blog train of thought post because it may be confusing. Well that and I wrote it over the course of a few hours (I tend to do that anyway). It was what I needed to face today. I am pretty melancholy, but every bit of realization takes me closer to … well closer to something.

Peace, blessings, and Namaste.

#missingerin

In Da Club

I had already written once, and never published it, about others who grieve. There is some horrible kinship with these people, and I mean horrible in the nicest sense of the word. It’s horrible because who in the hell wants to feel this way? NO ONE!

Now that I am part of this awful club, I notice people grieving even when they don’t say it. Others who grieve privately, or are “long time members” who don’t talk about it anymore, they have reached out to me. I take special notice and care of those who publicly express their sorrow. I am sorry for them in a way that only they understand, and well, that only I understand.

And I don’t want them to understand. I don’t want you to be in this club unless you have to. I guess we all have to one day, but we hope that we are old and wise and expectant of it. You can see how it is a lonely journey when you do not want any other to have to walk through the pain with you.

Just the other night a dear friend told me something to the effect that she would like for me to share my pain with her. I don’t remember the exact words, and it was meant to tell me that I could share my burden with her. I replied something like, I can’t put that burden on you. I don’t remember the specifics, but I remember saying it was a sorrow so hard to bear that I just couldn’t do that to her. It’s like that you know…it’s so deep and ugly and NORMAL, but so deep and ugly. So deep that you can never push it away, and so ugly that you can’t bear it.

Another friend, who writes a blog and lost her son who was due next month, she wrote today that she was also in horrible emotional pain but didn’t want to burden anyone (my words). What she wrote, lord I could have written it minus the specifics about her son! And then another friend, whose son died 6 months ago, is still feeling nearly the same as the first day; and another nice lady I know from gaming on Facebook, she lost her husband just before Erin died. It was clear – it is clear – how much she loves and misses him. Let’s not forget another friend who I will respect privacy but hasn’t seen her children in over 100 days, and countless others who have shared with me that they have lost a child or someone they love deeply. These relationships of the heart, no matter whether children, lovers, or friendships, they result in such tremendous hurt when we can no longer see our loved ones. It almost makes you question “Was it worth it?” Sometimes I wish I had never had a child, because this pain is too great.

But I guess, the true answer is that they are so absolutely worth it. Just this morning my Aunt called and while we talked, she reminded me of how Erin was always smiling, how joyful she was, and how many lives she touched. It’s true, and it does make me smile to think of it. She also pointed out that if nothing else she taught me to love. I am not sure if that’s where I “learned” per se, but I did experience an unconditional love for the first time in my life and it was like no other. I am sure that I will never experience that in this body again, or at least it is unlikely. And as a mother, the whole thing just rips my heart in two all over again to think about.

I know what a gift it was to have someone I love enough that their death caused this much grief and sadness. I can also see some of the higher perspective, which I have written about before. But what I cannot fathom is the grief, pain, and suffering that is going on in this world and that so many are experiencing it. We are a population who is walking around in pain. I can’t speak for everyone, but I am a lifelong seeker and practitioner of emotional clearing, a seeker of balance, etc. In other words, my emotions are there but pretty much under control. And if I am in physical pain and screaming silently in my mind all of the time, what are others doing and feeling who aren’t so “strong?” I got nothing. Who knows. It sucks for me and it must really suck for them.

The other thing that we in this club wonder is if anyone will forget our loved ones. We see others moving on and we wonder, have they forgotten already? I know they haven’t, but they will remember silently while we strive to keep the memory fresh and alive and audible. But it’s hard for us. I can tell you that a high school friend who died when I was about 25, I think of him at least once a month. I don’t know why. We weren’t close anymore and he had his own family, but you know, he was one of those kinds of people who made an impression on everyone he met. I guess families can take solace that some weirdo (i.e., me) will still remember their loved ones 20 years later.

I didn’t know when I started writing that I would name my post today “In Da Club,” but if you’re reading “C” that’s a shout out to you and thanks for dancing with me on Saturday night. Friends certainly make this journey easier, even if they are not in da club.

Peace, blessings, and wishing you a great day. Namaste.

#missingerin

Realizations

I had such a major Aha moment just now, that it is my topic for today. I had a nice weekend only to become mired in sadness last night and most of today. I have been wavering between deep thought, huge and hard tears, and feeling hollow within. Before when I felt pain in my heart chakra, it wasn’t hollow. But now I wonder, has the damage finally burned itself so much that now I have a hole there? While it may sound counterproductive, getting the old out actually makes room for the new. And that’s true whether it is energy or physical things. In other words, maybe hollow feeling is progress.

OK, now for my aha moment. I will have to give you some background in order to take you on this journey. I just read the first few sentences of an article on Mayan Messages, which I recommend if you are interested in a different perspective. The article is called Moving Beyond Doubt (Day 76), and it says “There is nothing wrong with doubt, for there are many false teachers and many invalid responses to scientific query. However, instilled within each of you is a way of knowing what is true and what is the best solution for whatever you seek.”

Well if that didn’t kick off the Aha moment, and in a flash. I had just been thinking about how I have been told for years that I am a selfish person by someone close to me. It’s always “all about me” according to this person. And honestly, I grew up being very selfish and I guess I thought I was atoning for that, and learning to see it, and so I swung the other direction. There is nothing wrong with being selfless (as opposed to selfish), but you have to know how to get your own needs met in a balanced way. I don’t know how to do that in personal relationships. So I continually get stuck in things like arguments and a lot of doubt, mostly because I don’t understand myself and what I need to accomplish for me. And I clearly did not understand actual selfishness, and falsely believed that I was.

Somehow, I also felt that I was to drag this person along with me on my spiritual journey kicking and screaming if need be. I thought that was my purpose here, or one of them. I mention this because it plays in to what I just got from my team.

For those of you who don’t “tune in” to messages from the non-physical world – aka your guardian angels, or whomever you know or whatever you like to call them – there are many ways to get messages and while that’s another topic, I feel the need to mention that it is rarely like it is on TV. Anyway, I get “flashes” sometimes that are feelings that like pictures, carry 1000 words. Sometimes I’m shown pictures that come with feeling…either way I get the message very clearly when it comes that way. And that is how I got this one, through an intense feeling that downloaded into a message.

Suddenly it was so clear! I have it all wrong. NOTHING is about that other person. Now I’m not talking about the general obligations that you have when you have a relationship or friendship with a person. I’m talking about my life. Guess what? It’s all about me. Are you saying “Well duh!?” yet? I am not talking about being self-absorbed. In fact, what another person experiences is…say it with me …all about them. Or “Me” if you are speaking from your own point of view. It’s our experience, it’s our needs and wants, and it’s our life. So it is in fact all about us. And we don’t have to worry about anyone else. Our obligation is to be kind and compassionate and radiate unconditional love to the rest of the world, but not to wallow in doubt and let our sovereign selves get trampled by another Human (or otherwise). And you know, people don’t trample us unless we allow it. No blame – just responsibility.

I am seriously crying in my corn flakes today, and last night, but I will say again that if I am going to rebuild this heart chakra of mine and keep living, I need to do it in a healthy way. I don’t know why it took this long to understand what I have so poorly written, but it did. And I understand it so much better than I explained it, and I think now I can work on getting my needs met in a more healthy way. Why? I have shifted perspective and I see myself differently.

I also feel better than I did an hour ago. This sucks but I am determined to get through it for me and for Erin.

Love, blessings, and Namaste.

#missingerin

 

The Feather

Good morning all! I am in pretty good spirits today. The sadness is still there, always in the background, but I have a little bit of a spring in my step. Things are shifting.

Funny that I just wrote “sandness” instead of sadness. You know I don’t believe in coincidences. I was meant to see that message. Sand is gritty, and if you think of what sand does to the landscape, landmarks, etc. it ERODES them and it changes them into sometimes unrecognizable things. They are different. Sand paper, it smooths rough surfaces, and sometimes strips the finish off. It also changes whatever it is applied to. Refines it even.

And so has the sadness I have experienced. It has indeed washed over me like a sandstorm, continuous for three months, and I am forever changed. I’m not sure if I am refined, but since you ask (hehehe), just before writing this I pulled a card. It is Pride: I love myself, and I see myself in everyone. Now that I type that, I’m not sure how it applies, but my heart and mind both made a connection just prior to re-reading it. So, here in mid-sentence I looked it up. According to Webster’s definition:

: free of unwanted substances

: improved to be more precise or exact

Not bad huh? You can apply both of those definitions to the paragraph I wrote about sand and sand paper. I left out the social class definition. Who gives a damn about social class – not me!

Ah, and as I stopped yet again to get a cup of coffee (I multitask a lot), I remembered that today I was supposed to write about the feather from two days ago. And then I wondered, what the heck does that feather have to do with all of this? Isn’t that two blog posts and not one? Uh-uh I heard, and it was revealed to me. Let me start at the beginning.

I don’t know if you’ve ever heard that finding feathers is often your loved one who crossed over letting you know that they are with you? I have heard that for years. A day or two after Erin died, I found a feather. I picked it up and put it in my purse, and the poor feather is worse for wear but that is where it will stay. But around 2 weeks ago, Shaun and I were at Bridgestreet and I found another feather. I promptly picked it up and took it home. Keep in mind, both of these were lone feathers. It’s not like I thought I was getting a message when there were 10 around. There wasn’t even 2 around – just lone feathers. So anyway, I took this one out immediately and put it into my pen holder on my desk here, and there it has stayed. Until two days ago anyway, because when I came down to work and got ready to write in the blog, guess what I saw? The feather was sitting ON TOP OF MY DECK OF CARDS very nicely put as if someone had placed it there. Nothing else was knocked over or out of place, so it couldn’t have been the cat. She would have made a mess and I would have heard her rummaging around in the pen holder. Uh uh, Erin put this feather there for me. As I said, I am sad all of the time. It has just shifted around, and so I can manage it differently, but it’s still there.

And now back to the link up with the feather, and the sand, because I almost forgot what I was just shown via spirit. When we leave these bodies, you know that we immediately are free of the denseness of this planet. Regardless of your beliefs, I think most people think that once we “die” and leave our bodies, we go into some refined state. Just think about ideas about how it will be in heaven, or in the afterlife, or in other dimensions – you pick your belief system and I think it fits. The minute she moved on she was more refined by the very definitions above. She is showing me that she is in the “higher realms” by giving me the feather. Even if symbolic, it told me she’s an angel which is really just a higher dimensional being, serving and living in the light of the creator.

So anyway, I really love how writing leads me down these roads of illumination and how cool the journey is every time I do it. This is a slow journey, this grief thing, and like it or not it has overtaken my life and my spiritual path. Maybe it was always meant to be? I don’t know, but it has engulfed me, and I guess my team needs to show me that it has value and that it is slow but moving and shifting. You know, I know that it is all of that, but I gotta tell you that I have bitched and moaned and I don’t like it one bit. I promise you that if Erin said to me right now, Mommy I saved the whole universe by leaving my body behind, I would say well I don’t care me and you could have gone to another universe! And I will never be ashamed of feeling that way because as a mother, how could I feel any differently? But I can see the breadcrumbs of this journey when I step back a little bit and let what I Know kick in. And when I open myself to messages. If you don’t like the usage of the word team, insert guardian angels. Trust me – don’t get hung up on dogma. I bet we believe closer to the same things than you think, just different specifics.

On that note, I will close with something I read the other night in a book by a native American elder that I’m reading. He said something like the Native Americans don’t get hung up on trying to figure out the particulars of the Great Mystery – the creator. Why? How could we possibly ever know the greatest mystery ever? We couldn’t. And neither could any of my fellow humans. Be open to learning. If I had closed myself off during this grief process – and I did at the very beginning – I would be much worse than I am now. And I would be without hope or direction. I know I don’t know everything. I do want to learn though!

Peace, love, and blessings and Namaste. Oh, and WDE and Go Dawgs! I have to throw that in for my teams on tomorrow. (For those of you who don’t know, I have family who lives in Starkville and graduated from MSU, so they are always my 2nd team.)

#missingerin

PS – Large blue and purple wrist bands came in. If you want one let me know! I started mailing them out yesterday!

Balance, and Some Other Stuff

I have sooooo much that I want to say today. Like I am bursting with it, which is funny because I am generally just tired. I’m the sort of tired, maybe weary, that makes you wake up and think of things you have planned in 3 days that you decide you are too tired to do. LOL Dreading 3 days out, that’s tired.

I think the real word I want to use, though, is again “weary.” Here’s Webster’s definition:

: lacking strength, energy, or freshness because of a need for rest or sleep

: bored or annoyed by something because you have seen it, heard it, done it, etc., many times or for a long time

: causing you to feel tired

Uh, yeah, I think that covers it. On so many levels.

I still don’t like it, but I am starting to get it. You know, IT, the big thing that is the thread over my lifetime that has “caused me so much misery.” I say that in quotes, because remember, I am a co-creator of my reality. Or at least, that’s what I think the case is. My faith in what is – everything – has been shaken this year. I do find that I am returning to basic tenets though, and that is one of them. I see the bread crumbs…I just can’t seem to follow their trail to the prize.

Well, just two days ago I was complaining after an ugly conversation, which I mentioned yesterday in my blog here. I said, to Shaun and the “universe” in so many words that hey, why have I been made to endure all of this crap, and all of this drama, over my lifetime? Because I don’t want any more of that. I can’t deal with it now, and I don’t want to deal with it. Yet it’s not exactly stuff I can walk away from. And even then, when you walk away and you’re not done dealing with it on the inside, it just comes to you in the form of another person or situation anyway.

Just last week I had another situation where I said no more. I said it to my “team” but I said it and out loud. And the situation shifted, and I am satisfied with it. I was ready to walk away actually. Talking about a shift in perspective – when Erin died I no longer have anything to lose. I love Shaun, and so don’t take that the wrong way. But the love a mother has for her child surpasses anything that will ever be in this world. It is a different type of love than I have ever experienced or will again. I suspect it is at least subtly different than what a father and their child experience, because mothers, we grow them in our tummies. They are part of us, literally, for 9 months. If you breast feed, which I did, they get their sustenance from you in a way that is very personal. So, it’s just different. And having “lost” the most important thing in my life, I now have nothing that can compare. In other words, nothing left to lose. A shift in perspective.

I mention this because I think that my shift in perspective has led me to stop putting conditions on what I want and need. For instance, in the past maybe I wanted X, but my stipulation was that my child was safe, family intact, etc. I am now free of that (i.e., nothing left to lose). So it’s a very simple request for me now to say what I need or want and be fine with the outcome. Which leads me to the ugly conversation. Afterward I had really just made up my mind that I was going to sort of push away the person who I had it with, because really who needs that drama? I wasn’t mad, although the conversation was somewhat mean. And then, the next day the person called to apologize. I have to tell you, this person isn’t the apologizing type and so while I did acknowledge the kindness, I was also amused. I pay attention to things and there was a tremor in the force! What shifted? I didn’t know if the person, the world, or I shifted.

BalanceWhen I drew the Balance card today, I knew it was me. I still do not like – I stress that every chance that I get – that I have had a lifetime of shit in order to get to this space of balance. I am sure I have more work to do, but you know what? I feel balanced today. I also didn’t judge the person on the other end of my ugly conversation, and I can say that with certainty. I understood why they acted as they did and I was just inconvenienced by it more than anything.

This is an example of how the inner reflects the outer, and vice versa. The micro and the macro. You get the point. Oh, let me not forget to include As Is Above, So Is Below.

And I wish that I could put into words my new level of understanding. I cannot, though. But let’s just say that I have climbed another rung of the ladder, and now I can see just a wee bit more than the last rung. And it feels good.

I am still very sad about Erin, and I cry still a lot. And I want to take time today to say that a friend – a New Friend if you have read the article floating around about the kinds of friends you find during grief – she lost her only son 6 months ago today. Now I assume that it’s 6 calendar months and not counting by the weeks. I had no idea when I started my journey that hers was so fresh, 3 months to the day nearly. Erin died on the 14th, but it was 12:14 or 12:17 am (or close) and so barely on the 14th. And I found out yesterday that a high school friend’s son died too. I have found out about many who lost children. I’m so sorry. This is the greatest pain that we will ever endure, and I am so sorry. When I read your posts and your stories, I cry for you and with you, and for myself. I hope that by chance you can feel my love coming through the internet connection into your broken heart.

Sending love and balance to you all today my friends. Peace and Namaste, and big (((Hugs)))

Today’s Thoughts

I had to laugh a minute ago. I pulled my “card for the day” and guess what? I pulled, again, Abundance. Again, the subtext is: I am a limitless being, and I can manifest whatever I desire in this physical reality. I will say it again, you gotta love Spirit and how it works to give you just what you need. When I pick a card, I take the card (or cards) that I have previously pulled, and I put it somewhere back in the deck. Then I shuffle. Then I cut the cards! Then I pull from wherever I was guided to cut to. So after doing all of these things, I still pulled the same card I had just reinserted into the deck just prior. There are no coincidences!

I also pulled another card, for an issue I am working on with someone. Last night, when Shaun and I discussed the “incident” that had just occurred over the phone, I told him that I thought this person was upset with their self because they had not done things they wished they had in the past. Guess what card I pulled? Regret: I know that I cannot change the past. In this case, unfortunately, I’m sure this person knows that but they can blame me and so they are. The issue has arisen over my mother, actually, and it’s interesting that I have no regret over that failed relationship. But my mother, who has dementia, she never dealt with one feeling in her entire life and I think that was what finally “drove her crazy,” i.e., manifested itself as dementia. The other person, they are a blamer but they do project the anger outward, so they wouldn’t have that issue manifest more than likely. Emotions cause physical ailments. Well, OK, not 100% of the time, just like my mother probably did deal with at least one emotion. But you get the picture.

The emotional clearing work that I did, and continue to do, helps me to react to these types of situations in a balanced way. That means that I don’t get triggered and act like an ass myself. I do sometimes, but most of the time I can control my actions and reactions. Isn’t that the only thing we can control in our lives? The answer is yes, but that’s another topic. For now, let me just say that yes I do still feel emotion, but I don’t have the need to lash out. If I feel a STRONG emotion, then I have to examine that trigger and wonder what’s up. Where is that coming from within me? Because whatever another person is saying, has nothing to do with me and everything to do with how that person is feeling inside and projecting outside.

I’m a little frustrated right now, mostly because I am writing a blog not an article. For me they are different – the blog is train of thought and an article would be structured to lead you from point A to B to C. I realize I am not doing that, so this whole train of thought may be confusing. Hey – it’s confusing in my brain. Trust me, I have no idea sometimes how I get from A to B to C.

Anyway, to come full circle, if you’ve been reading my blog here you know that I have a ton of regret. I know I can’t change the past, and dammit, that’s part of the regret. I so wish that I could change some things, do more of them, do them better, do them differently. I regret that I cannot. But I am learning to accept it. Honestly, most of the time when I run scenarios in my mind, I don’t find a different way that is any better. Sometimes I do. There are a few deep regrets that I have as a mother, mostly about time not spent with Erin when I could have spent that time, that I may never reconcile. I suspect that the deep pain associated with the regret may fade with time. I said may because it may never fade. I don’t know. I just know that I am alive, and I better make the most of this and have no regrets at the end of it.

The bottom line is that you have to deal with stuff. If you don’t deal now, you will be forced to deal later. That’s how this works folks. I share in hopes that I help others. If I can share anything that is helpful, let it be that.

And now I have become distracted and forgotten what else I wanted to say. But you know, there are no coincidences, so it must be perfect just the way it is.

Hugs, blessings, Namaste, and peace.

#missingerin

Shifting

I meant to post yesterday, but I got wrapped up in having to go pay my mother’s nursing home bill and lost the spare time that I had to do so. I also don’t have a title yet. You know what that means…I will find my way through writing with you.

I should mention that I pulled a card yesterday and it was Failure: I understand that a mistake is only an opportunity to learn. As you may have noticed thus far, even “negative” ideas such as failure and “mistake” have a flip side. You need only look for it and your perspective will shift.

Now, as I wrote and reread that last sentence, I thought to myself “Sure, I believe that mostly, but nothing applies to this sadness I carry.” And then I pulled today’s card. Abundance: I am a limitless being, and I can manifest whatever I desire in this physical reality. WOW. Well that is a shift in perspective if you look at the last week worth of cards. And here is a kicker – you’ve gotta love Spirit and how it speaks to you – that idea is one of the main tenets of multidimensional thinking (as opposed to the traditional, limiting world view). It’s also something that I have said doesn’t apply to my situation. My desire, of course, is to physically be reunited with my daughter. Is there something I don’t know about my overall plan for this life? Because it seems that I am starting with such a tall order that I will never achieve it. It is “impossible.” Do you know that I always say nothing is impossible? I mean, I just don’t see how this one is going to pan out, even with a shift in perspective.

But then, today is 11/11. If you are into numerology, you may already know that there are portals of energy that come through around specific days. I’m not so sure that it has to do with the fact that this is 11/11, but more so that our conscious minds pay attention to those types of things. Like when you see 11:11 or 333 or something. Regardless of what you believe, you take notice. Maybe it’s just “neat” but you look! Think of it as software downloads from the divine to your physical body/brain (hardware) that help you to adapt and grow in this ever changing place we call Earth. OK, if you want to learn more, either Google some of this nifty stuff or just ask me and I’ll elaborate. I have digressed.

I will admit that I find this nudge to shift my perspective interesting and timely. Maybe piquing my curiosity is just what I need to shift me out of this sadness. The sadness, by the way, has changed flavors. It doesn’t hurt as deep, but it feels as if it’s stronger. Like a deep earthquake versus a shallow one. It is now shallow, felt all over and causing many tears. I like the irony in that word – “teers” and “tares” phonetically but spelled the same way. Well I don’t know what that means, but it means it has shifted.

I guess that’s all folks for now. Peace and blessings, and big (((Hugs))).