Nov 09

The Journey Home

Long ago I subtitled this website “The Journey Home.” And while I had originally named it BlueStarServices, I changed my domain name to “BlueStarHome” after a few years because I felt as if that was more appropriate. The Blue Star means many things to many people – Sirius, the Hopi Blue Kachina, Regulus, and even our little Blue Planet called Earth. I’m sure you can come up with more, but many of us are drawn to the blue star symbolism, and you can find it everywhere. That’s not as important, though, as the journey home.

Where is home? Is it where the heart is? I think that’s pretty appropriate. Many say, and I think it’s true, that our purpose here is to learn and to Know unconditional love and compassion, both of which emanate and reside in our heart chakra or heart center. Depending on your beliefs, maybe home is in heaven, or whatever afterlife you envision. To others, it’s simply with their loved ones. There’s that word again – love(d).

Still, it’s the journey that is more important than anything, at least it seems. That’s where you learn, grow, and have experiences that are unique to you and no one else. It’s a metaphor of course, because you can have a journey from your recliner just as well as you can have one from your car or a train. Other souls, well we make up your journey too. Either we are physically with you, or conspicuously absent. No matter though – it all plays out in the way that it should.

I really believe that…that it happens as it should and for a reason. What’s the reason? Who knows. We may never know the end-game until the end of this journey, and I guess that’s OK. OK, I’m not so fond of not knowing the end-game, but I have figured out that they ain’t gonna tell me what it is, and that my friends is part of my journey experience (not knowing but needing to know). I can plow through the fire if I know I’ll come out the other side. Not so well when I don’t know what’s waiting on me.

Earlier today, I got a text from my lovely neighbor telling me that her deployed husband is not coming home for the holidays, and that instead he is being deployed to Iraq (from Qatar) for the troop build up. Now they are on a journey that they didn’t expect and one they don’t like. They are such a lovely family, and it pains me to walk this journey with them even as their neighbor. I don’t know why I mention this here, today, but please keep them in your thoughts. Remember, we walk our journeys home together. For this family, home may mean many things, many goals that they hope to achieve to bring him home safely. I hope that they get “home” easily and soon.

I pulled my card for today and got Regret: I know that I cannot change the past. This is a reflection on my all night crying jag from yesterday. I have an assload of regrets in my life. Until Erin died, I recognized the regret of things left unfinished and unsaid, and yet realized that I was too darn lazy to have done it any differently. Perhaps lazy isn’t the right word, but when you can’t be bothered to get up and go visit, or call or write, I think that’s lazy. I mean well, but have regret. That played out with Erin, too. If I had more time, I would be different. Maybe not “better” but different. I would want to leave myself with fewer regrets.

But then, what would I have learned on my journey if I didn’t have anything to regret? There would have been great happiness but small growth. I know the right answer, but can I get a little peace and happiness this lifetime please? Please? WTF was I thinking when I planned this crap out?

I’m currently hooked on Supernatural, and have been binge watching it to catch up to the current season (Thanks cousin Michelle for insisting I needed to watch it.). Anyway, I leave you with the wise words of Bobby Singer…Balls! I think that sums it up, and I can say it with a smile…right now anyway.

Peace, blessings, and hugs to you today!

#missingerin today and every day.

Nov 08

The Irony of Change

changeI pulled a card from my deck late today. I went out with friends last night, had a rather good time, got home late, and was tired all day. I sang karaoke too. Never do that, but I love to sing! I have had a change in perspective since Erin died. I care much less about what others think, and heck, I didn’t care too much before. But I still had intricate hang ups like everyone, and singing in public was one of them. What if my voice wasn’t good enough? Well who cares – last night I sang my heart out and had fun doing it.

And I need to digress a moment about that…I mentioned lately and before, that since Erin died the song has left my heart. Truly, it has. I couldn’t come up with a damn thing that was worth singing. Nothing speaks to me anymore. Finally I picked Allison Krause, or Keith Whitley if you get technical about it since he was the writer and first to record, When You Say Nothing At All. It’s about that heart connection, and while it’s a love song it could easily be between you and your child. And it’s pretty.

Next came Indigo Girls, Closer to Fine. It’s a rant, and a thoughtful one. After that, Shaun had said something that had me dead set on I Hate Myself for Loving You by Joan Jett. Yeah, anyone in a relationship for any period of time can identify. And finally, Stairway to Heaven. I can’t believe I sang that, but it’s the prettiest damn poem that I know set to music (i.e., a song). It’s deep. If you don’t listen to the words, you need to. Do it over and over. It’s relevant and speaks to me.

So the song in my heart came back for a bit, but it took some work. But you can see it in the songs that speak to my emotion. But nothing light and airy. That ship sailed.

Are you wondering about change yet and how it fits in? I pulled that card, Change or: I understand that nothing can grow or evolve without movement. And yeah, I understand that. In fact, I can endure it as long as it’s not my child dying. The irony, of course, is how much things have changed in my life and yet, I cannot change how I feel. I cannot change this sadness. It is here, and it is permanent. There is little chance that I can ever transmute that emotional trigger for this situation that I am experiencing. See how I put that in the terms that I would use to teach someone else? It’s an emotion, tied to this person and experience. You process it, transmute it into compassion in the heart chakra, or that’s the idea. How can I do that in this case? I think that I am set up for failure here.

I also almost finished the book about the 10 things dead people want you to know. I have to say, it’s a perspective shifter. In fact, the book isn’t entirely about the dead and what they want you to know, but it is tied to that in an odd way. At any rate, it shifted some things within me. But it also triggered floods of tears and wailing in some sections.

I am thus in the midst of great change, and stuck at the same time. I don’t know how other people feel when grieving and sad, and I can’t say if I’m really on the grief fast track as I discussed with Lisa G. the other day, or if I’m just stuck and sad. Sad as in pitiful is what I mean this time.

The bitter truth is that change is the great motivator. Neither me nor anyone else would ever grow if we weren’t forced to via the mechanics of change. I look back at how I could have stopped this nightmare train, and I never had a chance. It was set in motion and probably executed when our souls most needed it. That is my truth, but I don’t like it. It is a sucky truth. Whatever. This is some sort of grand gift. I get that too. I get the sacrifice and love that went into it, and I get that Erin’s soul was done. You see that I repeat myself on this subject a lot. It’s because I think about it – a lot. I suppose I am examining it, seeking another answer, and I don’t find one. I don’t like the answer, but then, I wouldn’t like any answer.

I missed my baby today more than I can tell you. I want nothing more than to see her, to hug and kiss her, and hold her again. That’s it – there is nothing more.

Hugs and blessings to you and yours.
#missingerin

Nov 06

Blah Blah

I am starting out this post today with no title. I think I said before, I usually have a theme in my mind before I start writing, but on days I do not but yet know I need to write, well, it is frustrating. In those cases, I work through my issues here.

Have I found my answer already? I pulled a card first thing this morning – Doubt: I release the need to know all the answers. Hmmm…I looked at the card just before I began typing, thought about it for a title, and tossed the idea because I still did not understand. Perhaps that’s the point – I don’t know all the answers, but I want or need to? I release the need – I just said it aloud. Hope that worked.

Now, I know that I don’t always need to know details. For instance, I know the general mechanics of how the planets orbit, turn, etc., but I don’t need to know specifics to sleep at night. There are other more pressing questions that I personally have on any particular subject, and I get to a point of knowledge where I don’t need to know more, I’m satisfied. I wonder what I am not satisfied with? I don’t even know the subject matter! I have been crying a little today, missing Erin and realizing that it’s now been so long, it seems like her even being here was a dream. But that’s just a sadness. What do I need to know the answer to? What am I doubting? That I had a daughter? Perhaps.

The fog of her existence is great at times. She seems unreal to me now, as if she never existed except in a story. The story has changed and she is no longer here, no longer real. Well I know that’s not true, but it seems true at times. And that made me sad today. Very sad. I am still unclear if this is the doubt my card refers to.

There are other things I have had my mind on today. For one, I found that I am incredibly irritated with specifics related to my job (career). I seem to have many answers, and wonder why others don’t have the same type of knowledge or wisdom that is needed to do their own jobs. In my youth I would have been quite pleased that I am so smart and that I know so much, but now I am more balanced and respectful of scopes of work and responsibility. I also am now smart enough to know that I do not know everything. I understand the bigger picture, though, and it’s irritating that others don’t. I deal with this daily from multiple people in multiple roles. Why don’t people know the things that I know? I am not special. Perhaps I am and I should recognize that. Either way it does not make me feel better to look out upon apathetic ignorance. Yep, there’s a Mrs. Lawson word for those of you who had her.

I am also painfully aware that I am forging a new life now without my child, and not only do I not know where this is going, I don’t like it, and I also don’t much care. I guess it’s a good thing that I don’t need all of the answers, because for now I think my core beliefs and values are guiding me down a path that is part survival, and part growth. I don’t know where I’m going but I guess I know which roads NOT to take. Great – “Here I Go Again on My Own” by Foreigner (??) is playing in my head. Funny I can’t remember who sang it but I hear all of the words.

And that leads me to another thought. Have you seen the (newer) Muppets Movie? Heard Life’s A Happy Song? Well, it’s when there is someone else beside you to sing along. I know I have a chorus of people to sing along with, especially Shaun, but without Erin’s voice it’s not a very happy song. I used to tell her that there was a song for everything. I swear, there was a song for everything she said or did, or had to do. Brushing your hair? I had a song for it. You get the idea. My songs have ended since she died. I hadn’t thought of it but once since, but it comes to mind now. I can’t think of a song for brushing your hair, but I bet I could have once and effortlessly.

Well that’s enough gloom for the day. I need to take the advice I got at the end of my session with Lisa G. on Monday, specifically from my team, to not misconstrue sadness with depression. It was good wisdom, and that’s why I share it with you today. I’m also going to say that aloud, and talk myself out of the pit I’m currently dropping into.

Hugs, peace, and blessings to you <3
#missingerin

Nov 04

Growth and Hindsight

GrowthYou’ve gotta love these darn cards. At least they give me the name for my theme of the day, right?

Seems after the work I did yesterday (inner work), here I am back full circle where I started so many years ago. Wasn’t it always about growth? It was for me. I sometimes let it blind me in fact. I have said I jump in with both feet, and I asked many times for my team to fast track me on the growth path. So much so, that I think I missed the journey.

Hindsight is 20/20 indeed. It’s funny but I just had the revelation above, that I was going so fast I missed the journey, and in more ways than one. On my path (spiritual, emotional, mental) and in my life (physical). One of my regrets is letting all of the crap you have to do daily take time away from enjoying your surroundings and your loved ones. Yes, Erin. How many times were we just rushing to where she had to go, where I had to go, or for me to get back to work? Work? Wow. Seems so insignificant. Yeah, we like to pay the bills, but it ate up so much of my time with her. It seems that I have indeed expanded my consciousness and awareness, as stated on the card in the small print.

Perhaps I should have just asked for feet to the fire, and not fast specifically. Sometimes we think we know what we want or need, and yet we don’t really hone it enough and we get something we wish we hadn’t. Hindsight. I suppose being able to reflect and actually get it, is growth. Hopefully.

Yesterday was such an odd day energetically that I can’t really tell you what all happened inside of my head and my heart. But, things are moving in there. That is good news. For starters, the work Lisa Gawlas helped me with was profound in this sense. Thank you Lisa if you are reading! You pulling me up out of my collapsing old world really did the trick I think. I couldn’t pull myself out, and it definitely was collapsing. I knew it intuitively, because I knew that it was gone. The old me – gone. The new me, I couldn’t see. Maybe I can see a little now?

I also picked up a book that I got by surprise the other day and started reading it. I say by surprise, because I forgot I ordered it. I still don’t remember to be honest, but here it is, and it’s called The Top Ten Things Dead People Want to Tell You by Mike Dooley. I really don’t know what his credentials are (he doesn’t appear to be a medium), but it resonates with me. He said something at the beginning like after you read this you will be able to be joyful again…well something like that…and I swear it’s working. I think from what I gather, he is using research on the subject with some very simple logic, and it just freaking makes sense. Whatever it is, and I am only in chapter 3, I’m going to finish the book. It did make me feel better after I got through the whole pity party I had during the introduction chapter.

One of the themes of the book is love, and that was a theme in my Lisa reading yesterday too. Love is healing, and it really does conquer all things. In the end, you may get eaten by the dragon, but if you are in a state of love when it happens then who really wins? You do. So much of what goes on in our world is a deliberate attempt to instill fear into people. Where are the deliberate attempts to instill love? I don’t see them. I bet I could find a couple if I looked hard, but they are hard to find. They aren’t public anyway. The media doesn’t report on them, and neither do the religions that are supposedly based on love. They preach fear instead. So do the world governments. And the war lords, and gangs, and even well-meaning parents trying to motivate their kids to eat their dinner. I did, and now I’m ashamed of it. Hindsight.

So this is my growth, I think. I think maybe I just quantified it for myself and for you if it helps you to recognize your own. And I love you all. I do. I do because you are beautiful, living beings who have value and feelings and because you are all perfect in your unique way. I SEE you.

Namaste <3

#missingerin

http://www.missingerin.net

Services

Nov 04

Angel Erin

AngelErinI just want to take a minute to post this beautiful drawing, given to me by Anna Kate S., one of Erin’s two best friends. I hope you can see the detail. It’s very dainty and delicate.

If you look closely, you will see Erin’s half of their “Best Friends” necklaces. I thought that was the sweetest thing.

I call this picture Angel Erin. I hope that wherever she is, she is as enamored with it as I am. I framed it and it sits above our mantle. I also plan to feature it on my site Missing Erin. Don’t forget to use #missingerin also when you post to social media!

Nov 03

Empathy – Really? For Who?

empathyUgh, I pulled today’s card and got Empathy: I am open to seeing both sides of a situation. It seems that my guidance really wants to drill into me that I am learning something here. I mean, seriously, if I were mentoring someone who was getting the messages I am getting I would say “I can’t help you if you don’t hear those very straightforward messages you are asking for and receiving.” I really would. I know I’m stubborn, and I’m lazy. But I’m also hurting. So can I get a little break here?

I think I have paid my dues and whatever it is, I think “they” should just give it to me. Knowledge? Lay it on me. Something else? I’ll take it. Don’t make me suffer any further for it. I’m not sure I can take it.

Yet, I know that is a lie. I can take a lot. I already have. I just don’t want to.

The empathy is for Erin’s spirit. Her Spirit had other plans, and I have to honor those. I have to be able to see my side and her’s. Look, I’m not a Buddha, so this is hard for me. And yeah, I am still pissed off that I get these damn in my face messages. I know, I know and yet I have to be reminded. How much clearer could I hear and I still don’t listen?

I had a lunchtime reading today with Lisa Gawlas. This might have been the most interesting one yet. She saw initially a dark sea, with a lighthouse beam. As she was searching for “me” all that I could think about was my old English teacher Margaret Lawson quoting “Alone, alone, on a wide, wide sea. Never a saint took pity on my soul in agony.” I should have told her that actually, because the irony is funny. I’ve been complaining that I can’t find the doorway out of this…the lighthouse beam was my door. Oceans or waters are metaphors for the collective unconscious, which is pure emotion. The next bit, well let’s just say I was stuck in the “old.” Not surprising, but it was time to move on. She apologized for saying, but my team wanted me to know that I have to fast track this grieving process. Which, again, is all me. I jump in with both feet and throw caution to the wind. I ask for it. I’m a glutton for punishment and I know it.

I’m angry that I am being asked to consider empathy. I’m not angry with Erin, but at my “team” as I call them. You know, the guardian angels I chose to help me with this lifetime. Why doesn’t anyone care about what is happening to ME? Why does it feel like there is only Erin’s soul path to consider? Ugh, I have the answer already. Because it is not typically Human to consider how others are feeling when you are so off-balance and hurting. So the emphasis is there, so that I do not forget. Emphasis and constant reminders.

Way back when, I wonder what the hell I was thinking when I decided to embark on this path of spiritual growth and knowledge? Because this is hard. Sometimes, it just plain sucks.

In other news, I forgot the world for a little while on Friday evening when I met friends out for Halloween. One friend I was with, who is currently separated from her own children, said it was odd to be out doing the “adult without kids” thing. And that couldn’t be more true. It was odd, and a tad uncomfortable. But I got through Halloween without crying, and I actually had a good time. And then I was so tired the next day that I sort of blew through the rest of the weekend laying in the bed or on the couch, and didn’t come back to reality until mid-day yesterday. I know these things are band aids, but they are effective in the short-term.

May you all find empathy today, even if it’s just fleeting. Blessings.

Oct 31

Halloween

I have run out of time today to post, but I do want to post a short bit here. As I write this, it is 2:22. One website says:

Number 222 is made up of the attributes of and energies of the number 2 tripled, making number 222 a very powerful vibration. This number carries the attributes of the numbers 2 and 22, the Master Builder Number that resonates with ancient wisdom, vision, idealism and transformation. Number 2 lends its influences of faith and trust, encouragement, attainment and success, adaptability, diplomacy and co-operation, duality, service and duty, balance and harmony, selflessness, faith and trust and your Divine life purpose and soul mission. Number 222 has to do with balance, manifesting miracles and new auspicious and timely opportunities.

I also pulled the Success card today..

successAs you can see, it says “I know that there is no greater goal than to love.”

Well, that sums up the life that I had with my child. I learned what unconditional love was, and I loved her with all of my heart. I still love her. Now that she is gone, can I ever love again? I guess my guidance thinks so.

By the way, I like to include the cards for one reason – they are very pretty. They are from The Soul’s Journey Lesson Cards deck by James Van Praagh. You can find them in the store at Barnes and Noble, and of course all over the internet.

I did cry when I got out of bed this morning. It’s funny how I process this and how Shaun does. He said he had no idea it was Halloween until someone mentioned it at work. I knew as soon as I woke up during the damn night, and upon opening my eyes this morning. We should be getting ready right now to trick or treat. Last year, she was Clawdine Wolf from Monster High. I always let her pick whatever she wanted. It was her time to dress up in whatever she wanted to dress in. Somewhere I have a picture of her as Clawdine, and I will post it when I have more time tomorrow.

I will miss the whole Halloween thing in the next few hours, and I may cry again if you see me later. In fact, I’m sure I will, because I have tears coming out now. I miss you Erin. Especially on holidays.

 

Oct 30

Adversity

adversityI did not write yesterday, and obviously I am late writing today from what I normally do. I think that is because night before last, I released a lot of emotion in a way I haven’t done so for the most part. How you ask? By talking to someone. Shaun to be exact, and while I won’t disclose the contents due to their somewhat personal nature, for some reason it was cathartic. I can’t explain it and I know intuitively that it’s not important for me to understand why, so I will just let it go at that.

It’s not that I haven’t cried over the past two days. I have cried, and when it comes out, it is fierce and the tears are like running water. They don’t have to build up – the faucets are full and they pour. But I have managed not to feel as if I am dying, and so that is a win. It’s odd because I don’t really care if I “win,” but feeling less oppressed is better than how I was feeling. I still don’t care, much, but feeling so bad with no way out sort of sucks.

I decided to pull a card, my card for the day, to see if this shift I am feeling is a sign of anything in particular. You can see that I pulled Adversity, and the caption is “I accept that challenges are the best way to learn.” I would be pissed if that hasn’t been my philosophy all along. I was taught years ago, and still adhere to the idea, that challenges are how we learn. Think about it…if you are happy and at peace, that’s great, but you don’t do anything differently do you? But when things aren’t pleasant, or go wrong, you eventually decide what you are doing isn’t working and that you need change. Well, that’s our conscious mind and some people get it faster than others. I have said for a long time that first the Universe knocks at your door. Eventually, it blows up your door and burns your house down if you don’t answer.

So yeah, I am mildly pissed that I am having to relearn things that I already know. I guess I don’t Know them yet – Big K – or else I would be done. Or maybe I am now having my PhD classes? Could it be that I am so good at challenges that I got the biggest damn challenge of them all in this lifetime? Had I known, I would have declined. And I guess that is the point of why you don’t come into Earth with full memory. This shit sucks man. Once we get here, all of us who are here for any specific reason at all would just cut and run.

And to further highlight my own shortsightedness, I was just telling a work colleague today how much I enjoy a stressful challenge (at work). Because to rise to the occasion and kick some butt, that’s an accomplishment. I’m very good at what I do, which is a fact not a brag. So why can’t I see what I have created for myself here in my personal “real” life?

I guess I do see it, but I don’t wanna. (Did I spell that right? I am a grammar nazi, but I don’t wanna.)  I guess I am finding my way here, and I do still hope for myself that if I am to keep going on the Earth plane, that I will contribute some value to raising the vibration of this awfully dense planet. Translated for those of you who don’t speak that language – I don’t just want to be of service, I want to really help others. I know it’s a subtle difference, but it’s a subtlety that is important to me. That is my mission. Do you know what yours is? Most people don’t, but some do. If you are one of those that do, execute it passionately.

Now please don’t go saying “I”m so glad you are better!” I’m really not better. This is a lifelong thing, like if I got my arm cut off I would forever be without my arm. I would change but part of me would always be missing. So you change, you get used to it somewhat, but you still dream about having your arm right? You still wish you had it, and you miss it. You never get over someone you love transitioning to the next phase without you.

I have an appointment to make, but I want to leave you with this. I got the arm bands. They are sized medium and were somewhat tight going around my hand but not on my wrist. They do stretch and are sort of thick but again on my wrist they are not tight. So if you get one and it doesn’t fit, be a dear and return it to me and I plan to order some large ones. I toyed with the idea of getting blue, but she so loved purple. But I bet she would want the boys to have blue, so I will probably get 50 or so blue. Also, I am now strong enough I think to start using the http://www.missingerin.net website. I would really love for Erin’s friends, family, and people who just decide they like her (LOL) to post comments, and if you would like to write pieces for the site that would be great too. I am open – I am sharing her with all of you and I would love it if you would share too.

Ok, got to run for now. Peace and blessings to all of you today.

Oct 28

Stuff. Blog. Nothing Really.

Yesterday was not a good day. I found myself isolating me from my mind all day. It didn’t matter what I was doing. The point was to keep my mind busy on some task, any task, to avoid thinking about the obvious.

And therein lies the problem. This is ALWAYS on my mind. I don’t care if I am talking to you, I am thinking of this horrible event in my life in some way as I am carrying on our conversation. I think of it as I watch TV, when I laugh, as I shower. It doesn’t matter what I am doing…it is always in the background playing like a horrible movie.

You have no idea how I dread some things unless you have “been there.” When I hear the school bus drop the kid next door in the afternoon, I visibly cringe. I know I do, because I caught myself doing it. I dread getting up in the morning, and laying down at night. I dread the darkness that falls in the evening, because that would normally be the time we would gather as a family and eat and then watch our favorite TV shows, or whatever else we had planned to do for the evening. So I have to make sure the lights are on, otherwise I drop into an even deeper depression.

Perhaps part of acceptance is just that, meaning accepting that your life is shit and probably always will be. That is what I have come to accept over the past few days. I am sure there are well-meaning people, including my grief therapist, who would say things like “You need to find what makes you happy,” or maybe some other logically good advice. Which brings me to another point…even my therapist said that nothing about this makes sense except that I am grieving. So logic is not helpful, as much as I would like for it to be.

These last few days, I waver between wishing I would lose my mind completely, or retreating into it with no feeling at all. I know both of these options are unhealthy and much more than that, but it would bring relief of my suffering. I would also welcome a quick and sudden death. You know, like a piano falling on my head. I just ask that it is final and I don’t live to suffer any more. I think I have suffered enough.

A positive outcome of all of this suffering, if there is one, is that I no longer fear death or much of anything else. There are things that would be unpleasant, but honestly, not to the sensory level that they may have before. I have nothing left to lose. Yes, I still have Shaun, but for a mother who has lost her child, even the romantic love of your life doesn’t compare. Once you have a child, that love is beyond all others. It would really suck to lose him too, don’t get me wrong, but that is the only way that I can describe what I feel.

Speaking of feeling, I am also pretty certain that my “emotional responses” are very rote at this point. For instance, I can’t stand by and watch someone who needs help. It’s a natural response for me to “feel the need” to help. But do I really feel it? I don’t think so, not anymore. While I may have been moved by emotion before, now I am moved more so by what is right and what is not right. That should be governed by our emotional centers as well as our minds, so perhaps I should be thankful that my body is responding to learned ideas. Otherwise I am not sure I would care what was going on with someone else. I would care, just not very deeply. This too is hard to explain.

Oh, how I wish that my focus could change! I wish that this had never happened, but since it did I wish that I could move on with some semblance of peace. It has been nearly 3 months if you count the actual weeks, and I do not feel one ounce better than I did on August 14. The only thing that is different is that I have learned how to outwardly manage it, for the most part. I still lose my shit here and there, but most of the time if you see me you will see what appears to be composure. I have no inner peace and have lost hope that there will ever be any. What a crappy future to look forward to. I wish the world would hurry up and end, because mine has. It’s just not fair that I have to endure this. And for the rest of you out there enduring, it’s not fair for you either. How do you do it? That is a serious question. I suspect a large number of you will say Prozac or something. I am not judging you, but that is not for me. I wish I could take that leap, but I would sooner OD on a bottle of pain killers. I want to feel like me and feel good. Why is that too much to ask? Oh, because Me is now dead and gone. She died with Erin. I don’t know who this new person is but it sucks being her.

I also wish that I could write something helpful. Something other than letting my misery out on paper. Someone told me recently that I was also helping them, and I’m glad about that. But my daily dose of misery isn’t making me feel any better and I am sure it’s not all that helpful. It’s just that it’s all that will come out.

This afternoon I am taking Erin’s iPhone to a high school friend so that she can help try to get the data off. I had asked Erin to change the password months ago, and then I never asked her for it. Wish me luck on that. I really wanted to see it intact, and get a glimpse of her world without it being wiped. Had I only known, I would have done a lot of things including getting that password.

 

Oct 26

The Little Things

Had a fun trip to Auburn and Montgomery yesterday. If my tone sounds sort of flat, well, it is. I guess that is what being depressed for months will do to you. I enjoyed myself, but that is a misnomer because there wasn’t really any joy. I have been keenly aware that when I am “having a good time” it’s not like it used to be. That joyful feeling is gone.

In fact, I constantly scrutinize my feelings because I am trying to figure out exactly which pieces are broken and how to fix them. The fact that I don’t feel joy, well, it’s an issue. But it’s not an issue that any therapist or drug can fix.

It is an odd thing really. For instance, I instinctively jumped to my feet, yelled, and waved a pom pom last night at the game, but there was not much feeling behind it. Ignorance is truly bliss. Once you become an observer, there is no way not to notice what is going on both inside and outside of your Self.

But alas, it was again the little things that got me yesterday. Stopping at a McDonald’s to go to the restroom…that was always our standby place to stop because they were generally clean. And as I’ve said, I rarely let Erin go in alone. Sometimes we would both use the large stall, going in together. I would wait as she washed her hands. She always used too much soap, had to have warm water, and scrubbed for way too long. I would wait with a paper towel for her, or as she blew her hands off. I can still see her plain as day in the bathroom. And that’s the problem, because every time I go in one I see her there.

I caught myself during the game, staring into space, thinking of her. I saw things I would have bought her everywhere. I wished she and Anna Kate could have played together, and I know Anna Kate did too. When we got there, she gave me a hug and a beautiful picture she had drawn of Erin as an angel. It captured her essence beautifully, and I thought it was sad that a little girl had channeled so much sadness into that drawing of her best friend. I plan to frame it, and hang it in Erin’s room.

Erin loved hotels. Just going into one makes me sad, and I’ve had to do it around 3 times now since she died. And then there was the ride home, stopping in Cullman just a few stores over from our McDonald’s. We stopped there countless times on the way to Children’s Hospital, including the last trip we made. It will forever be “our” McDonald’s, and hold memories of her.

For the last few days my feelings have been dulled, behind a wall as I mentioned in an earlier post. No, I’m not uncontrollably crying anymore but I do have to choke them back a little bit here and there. I know I’m not sleeping soundly, because I wake up feeling like my eyes are tired. I don’t know how else to describe it.

So it goes on my journey. I wonder how many other people experience exactly what I do? I know our journeys are unique, but similar. It’s exhausting really. No one wants to feel this way, but no one wants to miss their child either. I am angry because I don’t understand why mine had to die. I will never understand. Not even if she tells me in plain terms that it was her choice. That’s just how it is for a parent.

Maybe I am becoming somewhat numb because I can’t let myself feel those little things anymore. Like seeing someone hold their baby, I can’t let myself go there. I long for my own in my arms, and I don’t want to empathically feel someone else’s love for their child. When you are an empath you pick up everything, and so I pick up enough that it hurts me. On the other hand, closing my heart off won’t help either.

I’ve lost my motivation to finish this one. Blessings to all of you this afternoon.