Oct 24

ATWT

That’s a throwback for you old soap watching people! Ok, maybe not old, but you know what I mean. As the World Turns…that was my theme earlier when I was running an errand and wondering what to title my evening post. Although, I no longer recall why it was relevant.

That might be a good thing…yesterday was a baaaaadddd day. It began and ended badly. I sobbed loudly all day long, and into the evening. I was so depressed that I hoped my life would end. I told Shaun today, half joking, that I am going to stop wishing to die in my sleep because I’ve had too much disappointment and can’t take anymore. Don’t judge me. If you felt like I did for any extended period, you’d wish for it too and want others to be happy for you on the day it came.

But I digress. Today I felt…different. Not good but different. It feels as if the grief is behind a wall of sorts. If any of you watch Supernatural, remember when Sam’s memories were behind a wall? That’s exactly what it feels like. I feel it there. IT. The grief and sadness. But it’s not up front yelling at me to come and join it. This must be what it feels like for those who live with this. Is this what acceptance feels like?

Around two weeks ago, a very nice but anonymous neighbor wrote me a lovely note (that I cried while reading) and gave me a gift certificate to Terrame that they had won at a silent auction. It was basically for a facial, and I called and went right after work this afternoon. It was nice, and I am fairly relaxed. I keep getting that card about my physical body and I could feel it was time to attend to it.

Today, before the facial, I pulled a card. This time, it is Gratitude: I am thankful for this life and the opportunities that it presents. Again, the card cuts me deep. I understand that every change, no matter how painful, is also an opportunity. I accept that this is my new reality. I do not like it, so how can I have gratitude?

It’s almost dinner time. Shaun fixed salmon and butterbeans and I guess we will watch the season premiere of Grimm. Oh, and one of our dear friends had tickets to the Auburn game, so we are going down tomorrow to go with her. I am excited, and hope I don’t cry. Erin never got to go to Auburn or to a game, which I’ve mentioned. I miss our friend a lot though, as her daughter was one of Erin’s two bestie’s and I miss them in my life. Maybe I can muster up a good time, if the wall that is holding back the extreme sadness will hold.

Oct 23

More Stuff, and Things

I am all over the place this morning. I woke up tired and upset, and felt like I actually had something missing in my heart chakra area. I am not sure I’ve quite felt that way yet, and so it was noticeable. I notice all sorts of subtle changes in myself on a daily basis both physically and emotionally. If you aren’t paying that sort of attention to your body, you should. Yes, I just shoulded all over you.

So that said, before I let my misery get me off track, I took the plunge yesterday and did a few things. I bought 100 purple silicone wrist bands that say Erin Alyssa Canter on one side and #missingerin on the other. I’ll be happy to give you one, and to order more. She was my gift and so I will gift her memory to the world ongoing. Also, I have started using a hashtag for the first time in my life – #missingerin. I encourage any of you and your children who are online and miss Erin, or just want to honor her, to use it. Hey, maybe it will trend and she will touch even more lives.

On that note, I also decided what the heck, and I bought the domain name http://www.missingerin.net. I had several choices and I like .net’s, so there it is. I’ll be moving the sparse content from the http://erin.bluestarhome.net over there and make it permanent. I would LOVE it if Erin’s friends and family can actually post comments, etc. and remember her there. I enjoy writing you, but haven’t had even one comment here. It all gets posted on FaceBook, which is fine if you are on FaceBook, but some people aren’t. Anyway, that is that. I hope to feel good enough to build it ASAP.

But I am not feeling good today. I think subconsciously, I am actually accepting that she is gone. I keep pulling the same darn cards over and over, too. Desperate for some comfort, I pulled a card. It was Freedom. The subtext says “I possess the power and the free will to create my own happiness.” On Tuesday when I was at the grief counselor, we talked about this card. I had pulled it before and it royally pissed me off. I did not want to be free in this way. Everyone wants freedom, like freedom to choose what they do and how they live their lives. And the fact that I am now “Free” is not lost on me. I have time and money to do whatever the heck I want to now. I don’t want it though. No one asked me, and I would never have paid this price. Yet I feel this is my fault somehow. The choices that I made lead me to this point. I have been focusing on the event, the choices that Erin’s soul made, but keenly feeling my own in the background while not admitting it to myself outright.

BAck to the counselor…she pointed out that she intuitively “got” that the freedom was Erin’s. At that point I was stumped, but then realized that during my session with Krista Kaine, she said that Erin wanted me to know she was free. I think I glossed over that, because really I didn’t want her to be free. Free is beautiful, except when it’s in regards to the event of your child’s death. I should be happy for her but instead I am sad for me.

At any rate, I have to redo the Formula completely. I had an epiphany mid-blog here when I got up to go to the bathroom. Have I mentioned that I cry when I go to the bathroom? I do, and it’s a long story but it happens every time. Anyway, I realized that I am most angry with me. I wasted the short time that I had Erin in my life. There were times I knew I should be spending time with her and instead I did something I wanted to do. I could have spent more time. I could have been kinder. I could have done a lot of things and I knew better, but I let myself do something else instead. I let life get in the way. And now she is gone. So yes, I am angry. I am angry with me, and with damn destiny and fate. I’m angry that I am still here because I don’t want to be. I am a miserable mess and that’s the way it is. I don’t know how I could possibly ever give anything of value to the rest of the world because I am broken. Since finding emotional clearing and using it, I have been stable but now I am broken. Erin’s physical body broke, but my emotional body is broken. I know no way of fixing it. I suppose that I do in fact have the freedom to create my own happiness, but I no longer see the point.

If you have been on an emotional roller coaster reading this today, that is my life now. I cannot control it nor do I invite it in, but I feel like a manic depressed type person who is up and down. The problem is, the ups have nothing to do with me. They are all organized around something I am watching, reading, or someone I am talking to. When I am alone with me, or even with Shaun, I am not just down but way down. This is a nightmare that doesn’t end. So there you have it – more stuff. And things.

Oct 22

Acceptance

So yesterday I had a session with my grief counselor, and today I just went to the Formula’s page to remember what the next step was, with intentions of finishing it up of course. Here’s what I found:

6. Can I accept the role that Erin has played, along with her actions, to help me learn this lesson?

The answer – NO! HELL NO! How can I accept that Erin’s soul thought it was best to leave and leave me here? Obviously this is why I am stuck. If I am honest, I cannot accept this. I refuse to. So I am stuck here.

Let me share what I told my grief counselor yesterday. I don’t even know what brought it up, but she asked a question and this popped into my mind, clear as day.

I am sitting at a forked road. I’m on a bench. There are two paths (tracks?) and Erin is gone. She clearly got on one of the trains, or buses or whatever, and I am sitting quite alone on this bench. Someone has given me a ticket to ride, and I have a briefcase. The briefcase has the mission assignment inside, and the ticket is to wherever I am going. The mission is the future of course, the ticket is my indicator to get on the train/bus. I think it’s a bus. At any rate, I know Erin is gone. I know she has moved on. And I know I have what I need now to do the same. But I don’t want to. “Screw you” I yell to whomever provided this to me. SCREW YOU. I am not going. I don’t care. I will just sit here and rot.

And here I sit, still, today. I know what happened, but I do not accept it.

Webster’s defines accept as “to receive or take (something offered).” I am not receiving this, I am not taking it. It was offered but I do not accept. I don’t accept that Erin is no longer here, and I don’t accept moving on. Clearly, I am at an impasse with the Great Mystery and my own Spirit. It may not change anything but I am registering my discontent in a very strong way.

I know that I am stuck until I can accept this and move on, and I’m not sure I care to do anything about that. Now I can feel the anger that I have towards being forced down this road that I do not want to go on. Maybe if I sit at the crossroads long enough, she will come back? That’s not how it works here in 3rd dimensional Earth. I don’t like that, and I don’t accept it.

 

Oct 21

Uh, Ugh…Sigh

I know I said that I would finish the Formula of Compassion on Erin today, but I am not sure that I can just yet. For whatever reason, it opened up a lot more emotion and I have had a hard time dealing with it. Ok, I just lied. It’s about letting go. If I let go of this emotion, do I also let go of Erin? No, but it’s not that cut and dry either. You see, when I speak of knowing that means what I know in my mind. Logic. It can be argued, it can be finite in its nature, and it can be absolute. But the Knowing comes from the heart. Some call it their gut, some guidance or intuition, and some even call it divine. Regardless, the heart always Knows even when the mind does not know. So I Know that when I am done processing, and releasing, that I will have let go of my old life. My mind knows that I cannot go back to who I was before Erin, nor can I go back to when I was Erin’s Mommy. Those “eras” are now gone, lost in linear time. I guess if I had to describe where I am now, it’s in limbo, a sort of purgatory. I know where the door is, but I don’t quite know how to get out or if I even want to.

During the night, I woke to several dreams. I can only clearly recall two of them, well, really only the important part. In one, I was sitting with a grandmother, and her granddaughter and her cousin or friend, both around the age of 5 or 6, were sitting on the couch and hugging each other. They were smiling at me and laughing, like sisters would do. The love they held for each other was clear.

So I woke up and in my mind screamed, why would I dream this! This is torture! I do not want to see other, happy kids! And I went back to sleep.

I don’t know how many of these dreams there were, but there were more than I remembered. The next one I remembered was a father walking with his arms around his young daughter, around the same age. I could see the kids clearly in each of these dreams. And so again, I woke wondering, screaming, why was I being tortured.

At some point this morning, I woke and was finally told that I was being of service to these people. I was helping them. I was being shown my gift and in dreamtime I went out and I put it into practice. Now this is all very nebulous, but at the time I understood completely.

I should also mention that just before bed last night, I came across an article about surrendering…again. And if that wasn’t enough, this came in a newsletter (found here online):

It always happens when a Buddha is there: his physical presence becomes so meaningful. and then he dies. Everything is shattered. Even a disciple like Ananda, his most intimate disciple, started crying and weeping when Buddha said, “Now I have to leave this body.” For forty years Ananda was with Buddha, twenty-four hours, just like a shadow. He started crying and weeping like a child; suddenly he had become an orphan.

Buddha asked,” What are you doing?”

Ananda said, “It will be impossible now for me to grow. I couldn’t grow when you were there so how can I grow now? It may be now millions of lives before I come across a Buddha again, so I am lost.”

Buddha said, “My understanding is different, Ananda. When I am not there you may become enlightened immediately, because this has been my feeling — you have become too much attached to me, and that attachment is working like a block. You have become too much attached to me; that very attachment is working like a barrier.” And this happened as Buddha said. The day Buddha died, Ananda became enlightened. There was nothing to cling to then. But why wait? When I die, then you will become enlightened?

Why wait?

-Rajneesh

You think I didn’t know what that was all about? As I stated yesterday, the enlightened part of me does. It Knows. I have nothing to cling to, since the day Erin died. And yet I have repeatedly screamed at my team (I like that description, too, so I think I’ll use it) that it is now impossible for me to grow. Yes, it pisses me off. Because I also Know that is a fallacy and that if I remain living, I will grow. I may grow (or go) kicking and screaming, but I will grow. That is what us seekers do. At heart, I am a warrior and always have been. But I did not enter into this one willingly, and I am not cheerful about it. In fact, it sucks a big one.

So hell, I have no idea where I am going with this now but that usually means that I have gotten all of “it” out  and so there it is. One day I really haev to get back to writing structured articles that someone can actually follow. But for now, train of thought, in the moment, is how it’s coming out. Blessings to you today.

Oct 20

Overwhelming Emotion

This morning, I thought “I want to write!” But I had to ask myself why. It’s not so much that I have something to say. It’s more that I have to find an outlet for these overwhelming emotions that constantly bombard me. I don’t invite them in. They come uninvited and in large groups. It’s like a group of vagrants taking over your home while you scream and tell them to get out or to act nice, but they never do.

changecardI thought a lot yesterday about the things I now know or think that I know. Perhaps understand is a better word. I don’t mean offense to anyone, but asking a god for help just doesn’t cut it for me. How could that help me? I admit I have asked the Great Mystery (I love what the Native American’s call it), the Creator, for help. I have asked for healing, I have asked for direction, and to end my suffering. I have asked for my purpose to be revealed. I have pulled more cards from my Souls Journey desk (James van Praagh – highly recommend it). Want to know what I got last night? Change. I think I said a day or two ago that the messages I am getting are spot on, but boy do they piss me off. You know, if I were helping someone else in my situation out, I would point out that Erin gave me such a great gift. That there was some reason that I needed this fork in the road, and that great change was upon me. She had served her life’s purpose, and she was now moving on so that I can serve mine. Change…no one likes change but through change we grow.

So that is the teacher in me, using what I know and what I Know (head and heart) to be of assistance. But listening to myself, I think “Boy, that’s a load of BS. What an asshole. I don’t care.”

Now if I go back to “Teacher Me,” I know and I Know that any assistance that I will get will be sign posts directing me to what I need to do to save myself. Some of you may have heard the story about “God Will Save Me.” I will only post the ending, and you can click on the link to read the entire story. But don’t you think it about sums it up?

And God said, “Son, I sent you a warning. I sent you a car. I sent you a canoe. I sent you a motorboat. I sent you a helicopter. What more were you looking for?”

Back to, I have asked for assistance but none of it calms my aching soul. However, I am sure that I have been receiving what I have asked for, aside from putting things back exactly how they were before Erin died. It’s just that the answers don’t help me feel better, and the knowledge that I am gaining doesn’t make me feel like anything is any more “OK” than it was. In fact, I cried all weekend. I cried in the car, in the bathroom both at home and everywhere I went, and I cried in the bed at night. I am still crying today. It’s a hurt that will never go away.

So I am just not sure what it is that will ever help me to get through this. I would say get over, but I will never get over it. I know I’ll get through it. I know I am strong. I know I have something I am supposed to do with my life, and I know it’s important to humanity. But I don’t care. Just don’t give a shit. Hey, if you wanted me to be of service, YOU shouldn’t have taken my baby. Whoever YOU are. You who want me to fulfill my destiny anyway.

Yet I say that, knowing and Knowing that Erin’s soul made the choice to fulfill her own destiny. And that pisses me off too.

Honestly, I could take this through the Formula of Compassion to release it (the emotional charge) and I’m not sure it would help. But let’s try…

1. What is the lesson(s) I wanted to learn regarding Erin’s death?

I admit I am stumped already, but this is a train of thought blog post so what the heck. What was the lesson? Lessons? Here is my feeble attempt…

Unconditional love – Erin taught me unconditional love. I now know what it means to love someone fully. I am not sure that I knew that, consciously, before she died. Now I fully understand.

Compassion – Through her death, I found compassion for others in areas I previously had no feeling, or harsh feelings. I was ashamed of that when I discovered it.

Being balanced and not being the victim – This stands out for some reason in my mind and heart. I feel like a victim, yet I am determined I will not be a victim. Now the real lesson here is control – I did not have control over this situation no matter how hard I wanted to. The only thing I can control is myself and my actions and reactions. So I choose to be balanced, and I choose to not be a victim. I choose to be a co-creator of this reality with Erin and of course with all of the other souls who participated.

2. What is the contract I made with Erin?

Should be pretty straightforward. Erin agreed to be my daughter and to spend approximately 10 years on this planet. I agreed to be her mother.

3. What is the role Erin is playing to act out her part of the contract?

Erin played the role of the love of my life. She was my child, my joy, and she spread joy to everyone she met. She sometimes played the role of wounded soul, and put a lot of fear into her role. But she was sweet, and kind, and compassionate. She was a teacher by example.

4. What is the aspect of myself is Erin reflecting back to me?

She reflected back to me my fear of loss. Loss of control for the most part. The scared child. This situation was beyond our control, as was some of the chaos that flooded our daily lives. It was hard for Erin and it is hard for me. I had to let go of trying to control this, and I am still not in control because control is an illusion. She also reflected back to me my actions and reactions, and thus I have a lot of regret.

5. What is the gift that Erin is giving me by playing her role?

She gave me the gift of self-reflection so that I can grow and be a better person. And she gave me the gift of unconditional love. She taught me about unselfishness.

I will post tomorrow with the remaining steps of the Formula. You can find the complete Formula overview here. If you aren’t into multidimensional sort of material, just take what is valuable and leave the rest. No one said you have to believe in anything you aren’t ready for or don’t want to believe in. 🙂 I find that it’s best not to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

I guess I should take my own advice, but again, overwhelmed with emotion here. Hashing that out via the Formula did help. It has been years since I actually took myself through it. Most of the time I run it in an instant and am done with the issue. This issue isn’t so easy though. At least I have a tool to somewhat channel this emotion, for now. I’m bringing out the big guns though and using anything I find value in. Misery is, well, miserable. Hugs to you my friends.

Oct 18

Stuff and Things

Yeah, I took a page out of the Walking Dead lore with this title. I guess I must be walking around just like Rick did after Lori died doing stuff and things. You know, nothing of importance or that you can even remember. And the irony is that what I have left of Erin is stuff and things. I know, she’s in my heart, and thanks for reminding me of that (I can hear the chorus in my head). Still, she’s not here and that’s all my heart wants.

I actually began this blog post yesterday and decided to table it and immerse myself in television after I wrote the first two sentences. If I can get inside someone else’s story, then I am not paying attention to mine. That’s what TV does, ya know? It gives you stories to live as you watch. Books do the same, and I have read at least 6 since Erin died. I seem to waver between the two.

I am still thinking about Surrender. That is a powerful message and ignoring it wouldn’t be prudent. My grief therapist thinks that I need to focus on connections with others. So far this week, I’ve completely ignored everything on my FaceBook messenger, and not seen anyone except my aunt and my husband for the most part. I did agree to finally got to lunch with my in laws today, though. I’m not looking forward to it. It has nothing to do with them and everything to do with seeing them and thinking of Erin and how things have changed. It’s not their fault, but they are a vivid reminder, and it is very hard for me.

Being so melancholy, I don’t have a lot to say this morning, but I do have some art work that I found and took pictures of yesterday.

I had this old notepad that my mother had given me. It had been in my purse for ages (I never throw note pads away), and I didn’t want it, so I gave it to Erin. I found where she had been drawing on it in the backseat. Here is a drawing of Puppy, which she apparently thought wasn’t very good. And a half-torn page of some little girl.

Notepad PuppyNPad_HalfGirl

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here is one of her, and of Anna Kate.

NPad_ErinMaybe Npad_AK_girl

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Halloween Project from 2013 – 4th grade. I remember she had to write a narrative about the jack-o-lantern. I hope I am able to find it one day. As you can see, she prettied her up with jewels on her stem.

Halloween2013_SchoolProject

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not sure what the next two are, but they were done in art class, 4th grade.

4thGrade_ArtProj

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4thGrade_Art_unfinished

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I guess this one wasn’t finished. If you just knew how much she loved arts and crafts, you would appreciate this like I do. Either way, I hope you enjoyed them.

Oct 16

Surrender

I have no post title at writing time today. Not sure why that is so significant to me, but it signals to me that I feel the need to write yet have no direction. I can say that I have come to some stark realizations as of late, and it has left me with a disdain for this planet and this life. Everything that I have learned would tell me that I am in fact not done yet, or I would be released from this body. But I want to be done. I have no love for anything anymore.

It is a bitter pill to swallow to have worked so hard to be “good” and “decent” and to grow my character, and to be “rewarded” with this circumstance. I drew some divination cards the other day and the one on the far left, signaling the immediate past, was Freedom. Well that just pissed me off. The middle was Forgiveness, signaling the present. That pisses me off too, because it’s a direct reference to forgiving myself for the myriad of things I regret or feel I could have done differently. The far right, signaling the immediate future, was Surrender. Surrendering to my circumstances of course. Well I refuse. This is a load of shit that I was given and even if I did co-create it on a soul level, I don’t like it and I don’t want it. A large part of me fully expects to be released from the situation, and to receive Erin back into my open arms as a reward for enduring this horribleness. Yet I know that isn’t how “3D Earth” works. I still don’t accept it, though.

For years I have thought that this planet was all wrong. I know many who feel this way, and maybe some of my new readers do too? I have wondered why I would have volunteered to incarnate here. Surely other places would be more hospitable. I wondered why I was put in the family I was, because I sure didn’t have a great childhood. Then I learned about soul contracts, co-creation of our reality, and that some souls come here to be of service to the planet and the people. Well all of that felt like truth to me. I thought, “Wow, I already knew this. Glad I just relearned it.” And the things in the world made some sense to me. But not anymore. If I preplanned this circumstance, I must have known that I would be cutting myself off at the knees right? I think I give myself too much credit. I am strong but I do not want to be this strong. And so, I find myself just giving in and giving up. Giving up isn’t the same as surrendering to one’s destiny.

So we co-create our destiny stories prior to birth and we play them out. Different choices in between do not affect the outcome, but perhaps how we get there. It’s like everyone is going to Boston, but maybe you take different roads to get there. Boston is our destiny, but we experience the journey differently. One road has houses full of people who feed and clothe you along the way. Another has bandits who rob, beat you, and threaten your life. Maybe another is a more middle road. But we all end up in Boston if that was our destiny, regardless of what we thought we might change along the way.

I suspect that in the end I may in fact surrender, but let me tell you that the Universe and Creator will hear my complaint as I do so.

Mom_Nicole_10162014On another note, my mother turned 71 years old today. I don’t mention my mother much. She wasn’t a very good mother, and we had a very co-dependent and chaotic relationship for most of my life. I was an only child, and my father died when I was 4, so I bear all of the burden. A few years ago we had to take her to the doctor about her increasingly erratic behavior and determined she had dementia. I try to be kind to her now, even though I don’t much like the person she was when she was “normal.” So my aunt and I went to visit her at the Windsor House (nursing home) for her birthday and brought some small “Nothing Bundt Cakes.” She seemed to enjoy them and we had what I suppose was a nice visit.

Which leads me full circle, I believe, because just the other day I was in the bank cashing her $30 a month Medicaid allowance. You either cash it or lose it, because they strictly regulate what types of things you can spend on. So I was telling the teller what a pain it is, and how since I’m an only child I not only had to get the Medicaid stuff in order but now I have to write a check to cash and the nursing home every month and get out to take care of that. She said “I have heard. I wonder what people with no children do?” While the nice teller lady had no idea, that wasn’t lost on me. I now have no children, and if I find myself old and unable to care for myself, I will be alone. That is a fact, not a supposition. What else can I do but surrender? I guess I could fight it with some ill-begotten solution or another, but it is my destiny. I don’t like it, but it is what it is (Hey, I don’t like that saying either, but it fits.).

Musing further on my mother, she was forced to surrender to a lifetime of stuffing her emotions when she finally got dementia. She never could take responsibility or face her Self, and had many disastrous solutions to her myriad of problems. Was her eventual destiny dementia? Or is that just a stop along the way? My father, he was forced to surrender to ALS at the young age of 34 (died age 36). I know that his destiny affected my own, because I would have had a very different childhood had he lived. It is interesting to see how we intertwine with others when we look back.

It seems that Surrender is definitely the theme for today. As I roll it around in my mind, I am more accepting of it, but I do not like what it is asking of me. When I surrender to a future without my child, I am willingly going down a road that I do not want to be on. I am on that road now, but unwillingly and I am not moving very far or very fast. I still believe that anything in the universe that we can imagine is possible. I don’t know how it is possible, but I believe that it is. Maybe the surrender is to the knowing of that concept? Don’t know, but I’m not waving the white flag yet.

 

Oct 14

The Don’t Cares

Well, I have been busy since Friday and unable to post. I tried yesterday but was kept busy by my aunt who is visiting. I come from a family of talkers, and whether she meant to or not she talked my ear off all day and left me little time to grieve. LOL! I guess that is not a bad thing, although I still have moments. I suspect that I will revert to how I was feeling last week once she is gone.

I also discovered via grief counseling that I am still in a state of despair. Who knew? I didn’t. I thought I was “better” since I was crying less, or at least different. Not so. My practices of avoidance and isolation have become more deliberate and thought out, and I also just don’t care. I don’t care about anything. I care enough to help you if you are in trouble, or to do things that are in my nature to do. But I don’t have expectations or hope in regards to anything I can come up with. I’m really not even glad to wake up in the mornings. I have no plans to walk in front of a bus, but if one hits me, I hope it kills me. And don’t feel bad. Should I die under any circumstances, you can be happy for me and say “Thankfully she is not in pain anymore.”

I had a very miserable time at the game day festivities on Saturday. I don’t mean that as ungrateful to my cousin and her family. They were very sweet and caring, and did everything they could to make sure that we had fun. I’m sure Shaun enjoyed it. He grieves differently. For me, I was overwhelmed with a barrage of kids, families, and on the flip side things that I wish Erin had been there for including the Tiger Walk and the game itself. I didn’t know until after I got there how badly I was going to feel. It peaked with an inability to breathe and a feeling of severe depression mid-day. I had already been sad the day before when we got there without Erin. I woke during the night sad and realizing that we had been there almost exactly a year ago to pick up my mother. Erin did crafts (painted some wooden things and she also drew pictures), and played with the cat. I thought of all of that around 3 in the morning. I just wake up fully conscious with images and feelings attached flooding my psyche and heart chakra. So it’s not something that I can control.

The therapist also asked what gives me comfort? I couldn’t come up with anything. I know that wasn’t what I was supposed to say in therapy, but I am pretty much a lost cause I think at this point. I am perfectly fine with not desiring anything further in life. Which would be fine, but I’m not happy. So it’s not like I am in my place of zen. Instead, I have lost everything and I don’t care anymore. I think I’m OK with not caring, but I can see how it might lead to problems later on. Plus, it’s probably not fair to Shaun. I thought before going to therapy that I was done and didn’t need anymore. Maybe I should continue? That’s a rhetorical question for now.

I go back to my thoughts that I can’t fathom that people out there in the world feel like I do and are walking around alive and functioning. I got a life sentence in prison. Death would have been better for me. Kinder, and more palatable. We as people move on with our lives because we are forced to. Those who don’t, well at least they are released from their pain. I don’t begrudge them that now. As a practitioner of emotional clearing, I have looked back upon many “horrible” situations with thanks, and said I am so thankful that this or that happened because it allowed me to grow and be who I am today. Well, I will never be thankful that Erin died. This just doesn’t fit with anything at all that I have ever learned or read about. Will I grow from this? Probably. I was already changed in many ways during the first week in ICU. Now I am no longer who I was in July 2014. So I will grow and become someone else, and maybe I will become what others admire or something, but I will never have the same capacity for happiness. One cog in the wheel of my heart is missing and it will never be complete in this lifetime or this body. So yeah, I guess I am in a state of despair. And I’m OK with it and have no desire to “fix” things. I see no solution available and just don’t care to find one.

Oct 10

Sucks

Getting ready to travel to my relatives home for the big game, but I’m a little sad this morning. I was a lot sad last night. I don’t fault Shaun for going to visit friends, so don’t take this that way, but when I am alone at night I seem to fall apart. Around 10pm I was a shaking, crying mess. I begged the Creator, or the Great Mystery as many Native tribes call the energy of Source, to just take me and end my misery. I then got a message from Spirit, which is really for another topic so I will leave it out. I was still very sad, but able to at least stop crying.

I turned over and I felt the “feather touch” on my arm, and knowing it was Erin I thanked her and smiled. I have been told, and read, many times that spirits will touch you and it will feel like a feather on your skin. Well, it sure did. That was the most profound that I have felt it yet. Thank you Erin. Mommy needed that.

At least I will be distracted on my trip. I still have to work this afternoon, and have work to do via telephone on the 200 mile drive or ride. Not sure I can rely on Shaun to drive, since he doesn’t know the way through the back road towns I take to get there. Before you ask, going Interstate is much slower even though you can drive faster. If anyone wants the back road directions to Starkville after you read this, message me and I will provide you which towns to go through. I don’t know the road names!

It really sucks that everything I do is just filling up my time. I apologize in advance to anyone who I ever make feel like you aren’t “enough” if I am spending time with you. Nothing is enough. I have this hole in my heart, and it has sucked out my joy so everything is just filling time. I just don’t enjoy things anymore. I don’t know if I “can’t,” but I don’t. Perhaps one day I can. Now, right now, I don’t.

I hope tomorrow is a whirlwind of busy for me so that it just passes quickly. I don’t expect to enjoy anything. Maybe I will run into other relatives who will hug me and tell me how sorry they are, and if so maybe I will avoid crying. Maybe I won’t. I have moments of laughter, but I wouldn’t call it full on happiness. I’m not sure what to call it. Maybe I will have some tomorrow.

So this post is called “Sucks.” Because it sucks. And the black hole in my heart chakra is sucking (i.e., draining) me of joy and happiness. And if I had any energy at all to care, I would, but a large part of me just doesn’t. The other part is miserable.

Not sure why I shared my sucky feelings, and hope I didn’t bring you down too much. I am just being honest, which I feel is important on this journey. Maybe someone else out there realizes they aren’t alone in how they feel. No matter what your situation is, you don’t have to compare it with mine. If you feel this way, I’m sorry no matter what the reason. Admit your pain to yourself and feel it, and process it. I wonder if mine will ever stop flowing out. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. This isn’t like any other situation I’ve ever had to deal with.

On that note, I shall end this transmission of misery. Live long and prosper, peace, and namaste.

Oct 09

Schisms of Self

LivingMemorialI am really not sure how I am feeling today. I feel that I am on the edge of a cliff of emotion, losing my grip and ready to fall right off into an abyss. I am avoiding Erin’s pictures, and all remembrances of her for the most part. I woke during the night longing for her once again. It was like as I tried to push the memories out, they were rushing into my mind in a flurry, trying to get there before the door closed. Then I dreamed of her for a few minutes, and she had picked out two head bands that she wanted and I bought them for her. In my dream I knew she only had a few days to live to wear them. I don’t know what that means, since I have only just now acknowledged the dream to myself. The price tag on one of them was $7 and something. Maybe it was $7.49? That would be two 7’s in a sense since the square root of 49 is 7, and 7 is a master number. That particular one was an exact replica of one she had, except as decoration it had a small cup on the side of it? I thought in the dream why would she wear a cup! But, Erin liked lots of different things and I never told her anything was ugly. She was very creative.

I am going to visit family this weekend in Starkville, MS and going to the Auburn vs Mississippi State game. It will be a big event, since ESPN is hosting Game Day there and the teams are ranked number 2 and 3 in the order they are mentioned above. “Used to” that would have been fun. However, this morning I woke up panicked about it. Erin never got to go to an Auburn game. She wasn’t that into it, and tickets are expensive, so we were going to wait until she was older (we only went to a few in the last 10 years ourselves – maybe 2!). And this is the first time to go visit family without her, and to stay in my cousin’s home without her. The last time I was there, she slept in the bed with me and it was our “little” cousin’s high school graduation I think. She loved visiting them, and she loved their cat. I’m just not sure how I am going to hold up now with all of that, and I am dreading the trip (Sorry cousins, I’m sure I will manage).

This is nothing new. Shaun and I went to our local Mexican restaurant last night for dinner and I teared up and nearly cried at least 3 times sitting at the table. The last time Erin was there with us, she knocked an entire glass of water over which went across the table and all over me and my seat! LOL I was soaked. But last night they had spider web up for Halloween. We were supposed to do that for her last year again, and didn’t. We promised we would this year. Which led me to think about her last costume, and how damn mad I am that she isn’t getting to pick out one this year. She loved all holidays. We made them fun for her.

All that I can fore see is a never ending barrage of dates and events that will make me even more miserable than I wake up every morning. Aside from holidays, there is her birthday, Shaun’s, and mine which has the double whammy of being the date her service was on. Yes, I knew that when I planned it. I didn’t see any reason to drag out the shitty events of the time a few more days, so that I would then have another date to stress over. My birthday was ruined anyway. Then there is the entire month of July, and let’s lump in August. We spent a good deal of time away from home and in hospitals those months. There is just no way to be happy about that. And then you have school starting, fall break, spring break, etc. What better way to remind yourself that you now have no child? I don’t look over at the school anymore when I pass (it’s on my route out of our neighborhood), but it doesn’t escape me when I pass at 2:30 when she would be getting out.

And yes, it perturbs me that you still have your child. I know that’s not the right way to feel, but at least a small part of me feels that way. It’s not fair. I know you feel the same way, too, but it still is upsetting. And on that note, it upsets me that I can’t feel happy for my friends and their children who I also love, and that I feel even one ounce of jealousy or that I am covetous of what you have. And it upsets me too that I miss Erin’s friends, and their parents. I am the epitome of polarity it seems, something that I have spent the better part of 15 years trying to eradicate from my Ego/personality and bring myself into balance. It isn’t logical, and it doesn’t make sense. But neither does “what happened to me.” I put that in quotes, because being a victim doesn’t agree with my world view on co-creating my reality with Source. But what in the hell else am I supposed to think? The “Great Schism of Nicole” is surely afoot. (History buffs may find that funny. Shoot me – I’m nerdy).

Oh, and the picture at the top, well that arrived in the mail this week. The funeral home must have done that for us. It is very nice to think that she also contributed to enriching Mother Earth and nature, but it made me cry too. I’m so tired of crying, it makes me want to cry. Another irony.

One last thing – sorry my image was crooked. I am too pooped mentally to redo it.