Oct 08

Used To

I planned out today’s title as I was either trying to go to sleep, or at 5:30 this morning as I was trying to go back to sleep. I no longer remember which it was. First, let me bore you with a little grammar…

A) Something that happened regularly in the past but no longer happens. Ex: I used to drink coffee.

B) Something that was true but no longer is. Ex: There used to be a U-Totem store.

C) Something is normal, not unusual. Ex: I am used to that noise.

D) The process of something becoming normal for us. Ex: I quickly got used to Joe’s accent.

This was on my mind, because for the past 3-4 days I have had relatively “cry free” days. And yesterday I faced the reason why. I am getting used to Erin not being here. And I am not looking at her pictures, or in her room, like I used to. And when I get flashbacks, like I used to, I push them out of my mind. I will never get used to flashbacks. The moments they show seem to be random with one thing in common – they all are of the time spent in the hospital for the most part.

So I used to be able to hug Erin every morning. She used to be alive. I am now getting used to her not being here. And lastly, I will never get used to the fact that she is never coming back. Being a grammar nerd, a grieving mother, and having a cynical attitude at the present time led me to add “Used To” to my already sizable repertoire of “Never.”

When I went to bed last night, though, I keenly felt the longing for Erin, but was able to put it away enough to go to sleep. I woke purposely at 5:30, hoping to see the blood moon (it was too cloudy), but then the longing was so bad that I could hardly stand it. I honestly don’t know how I managed to go back to sleep.

Even though the reality has set in, I still expect to see Erin all the time. I realize that I won’t see her, and that is hard. You may be thinking “well that’s a no brainer” but it’s a level of difficulty that I can’t describe fully. If it ever happens to you, you will understand. But until it does, there’s just no way that you can.

I used to write about other topics. If you peruse this website, I wrote articles to help people in one way or another. Sometimes it was lessons learned from my own hardships (boy, if I thought I had hardship then, I was wrong!). Sometimes it was “how to” type articles. I never shared Erin too much, mainly because of predators and I didn’t want to expose her to an online world of who knows who.

I used to complain a lot at home. I never have enough time to myself I would say. Y’all never leave me alone I would say. I never get to eat while my food is warm, blah blah blah. Well, what I wouldn’t give to eat cold food with Erin at the table, or to be “bothered” all day long. My perspective has changed. I used to be irritated, but I was mistaken and wrong.

Life used to hold promise, hope, and joy. It really doesn’t anymore. I apologize to Erin all the time now. I tell her, honey I know that you don’t want me to be sad, and I am trying to make the best out of this so that your life wasn’t for nothing. I’m trying to find the gift. I hope she hears me, because the truth is that I am trying – desperately trying – but I am failing miserably. I used to be happy. I am not anymore. If you see me smiling, it’s probably to make you feel comfortable. It isn’t because I am feeling better.

One day I will be able to interact with others and they will never know that I used to be a complete mess on the outside. I may appear “flat” or “dead” on the outside to them, or maybe just reserved and polite. It will simply be that I have gotten used to this whole shitty thing. I will still be crying and emotional on the inside. I will just be Used To.

Oct 06

“Never” Moments

Wow, this guy is good. Kelly Farley, while writing from a father’s perspective for other grieving fathers, is singing the same song that I am. His latest blog entry “Reality Check” discusses moments that he realizes will never happen for him with his own kids. They will never get married, never go to homecoming (Yes, I’ve already began grieving this one seeing the pictures, etc.), never do so many things. Seeing the pictures from fall break have really gotten to me. One of Erin’s best friends is currently at Disney. Erin wanted to go for Halloween this year, on fall break, and we had promised her that when she got better we would definitely go. So many memories that will never happen…it’s crippling to think of.

I decided to read Kelly’s “My Story” page. Wow, I’m telling you this guy is in my head because I could have written that. One of the most striking things he said was:

I refused to give in and was determined not to let this define me.  There were days I could have easily thrown in the towel.  For the first time in my life there were days I didn’t care if I died.  I wasn’t suicidal, I just didn’t care.

He put it so succinctly and I’m sure clearer than I managed to when I spoke about the same feelings. I am not suicidal, but I don’t care. It’s a subtle difference and one that I’m not sure you can understand unless you just “get” it. But oddly enough, I also refuse to give in. Giving in does not honor Erin’s life. She died, and believe me if I could sell my soul to bring her back I might just do it, but she died. And so if I also give in (die just because I don’t want to live), then it was for nothing. I have to make something out of the rest of this shit wad of a life.

Anyway, if you haven’t looked at Kelly Farley’s blog yet, go read it today. And if you know a grieving father, or mother for that matter, send them the link. This guy has a gift and I’m so glad he shared it with the world.

It seems my entire life has been made up of “nevers.” I never had a father, never had a mother who gave a damn, never had wealth, never had a lot of control over or a secure environment to rest easy in…I never had anything good or decent (except a few friends) until I met and married Shaun. I actually never wanted kids, and then came Erin. And I never wanted to part with her, and look at how that turned out. Now I too will never have grand kids, never see her grow up, never experience a complete motherhood, never see who she becomes. And I feel pretty certain we will never know what killed her. We will never be the same without her.

The word never is pretty final, and pretty powerful. They say never say never – I have learned this. I said I would never move to McMullen Cove and here I am (I won’t say something like that again for fear I end up somewhere I don’t want to be!). I’m sure that was some cruel life-lesson, even though we have lovely neighbors and a lovely neighborhood. But I can be sure I will never see Erin again, not in her last “human form” anyway. And I will never have another child. I will never stop grieving her or missing her. I will never stop longing to hug and kiss her or hear her sweet little voice and laugh. I will never forget her, but I also won’t forget the traumatic images from her last days that replay over and over in my mind. This is the much crueler flip side of never, and I will never escape that until I am released from this body one day.

Oct 04

“Messed Up Inside”

Last night I read a brilliant post from a grieving father posted on FaceBook called “Messed Up Inside” by Kelly Farley. Please take the time to read the article. It so accurately expressed some of what I was feeling, and how you dread others asking you if you have any children. But mostly, how you are just messed up inside. And how you will always be.

howgriefworksI also snagged an image from Grief The Unspoken’s Facebook page which I will call “How Grief Works.” Wow, they aren’t kidding.

But back to the article I read. When he talked about having less patience and being more direct, that couldn’t describe me more. That may be surprising to those who know me because I am pretty direct, but I used to at least try to soften the blow. I hear myself now and I can hear my lack of caring and patience for the bullshit that he speaks of. I have nothing else to lose of value, so why do I care about diplomacy? If I were brokering a peace deal maybe, but not just in every day conversation like I used to be.

In other news, I am sure that we are hearing Erin’s spirit in the house. Shaun is uncomfortable discussing this, so I just smile to myself, but we have noises that are not us going on. Especially in the evening when it’s our family time. When all 4 of us (me, him, Puppy, and Buffy) are on the same couch, and the animal even perk their ears up, you know something is going on. I am perfectly OK with it. In fact a full-on apparition would be great. I hate to be cliche but the movie Ghost really sort of sums up our conundrum. They are there but untouchable, and yet we long to know they are there and see them. We have theories, and beliefs, but we really don’t know what the hell is going on with Spirit. So I’m fine with whatever Erin’s spirit Self wants to do. And if that is move stuff around in the house or make noise, I’m glad to have her here.

And before you ask, no, we do not have mice or rats, or any other explanation for the noises. Trust me, I don’t want to have false hope so I go over all of that in my mind multiple times before saying it here.

As I fell asleep I still heard the noises periodically, and I think I woke up to see “something” next to the bed around an hour after I got into it. I just assume it was her – it moved fast but I saw it. I am not afraid but the newly departed aren’t exactly my thing and so they are new to me. I would be more comfortable fighting off a demon, as odd as that sounds. But any fear of the unknown is, well, because it’s unknown. Erin’s death has opened up a new doorway for me to learn about. It’s something I never would have cared about to be honest. I didn’t care about that specific subject. Now I care a lot.

Erin used to get up at night a lot, for the first hour after bedtime anyway, and she would quietly sneak into our room to my side of the bed and then ask me for something, to come in there, etc. I can still see her in her gown and with her Bunny smashed up against her nose (she was a “smeller” since she was a baby – and Bunny was always smashed against her nose). Sometimes I would hear her as she hit the doorway, sometimes she would make it all the way to my bedside. Every night I lay down and I expect to see her coming in, and then I have to take a moment to cry.

I realized this morning that I didn’t look in her room when I came downstairs, or tell her good morning. It makes me sad to think that I am getting used to this. Not that I want to feel awful all the time, but who should be getting used to their child being dead? No one is the answer. Yeah, I am messed up inside.

 

Oct 03

More on the Journey

It looks like I am going to have to work on the “Erin” specific site when I am thinking “Hey, I feel like working on this.” Because the tide turns so quickly with my emotional state that I am left bewildered and without motivation. I actually felt fairly good yesterday when I wrote, only to be depressed last night. It only takes a few minutes of me thinking of her, or a long glance at her picture, for me to become depressed in a way that keeps me melancholy for several hours. I have started avoiding gazing too long, in fact. I have her picture on my iPhone screen, but I quickly click on something to avoid it. That makes me feel bad in some ways, but it’s self-preservation.

I was thinking of what Betsey said yesterday. She thought I should share my grieving journey with others in order to help someone else. I didn’t bother to tell her I was already writing. I did think of this journey today, though. I strongly consider myself an empath, and yet in all of my life I have rarely grieved anything. Also, I have never felt the loss of a child from anyone, and I know now that I had shielded myself from that. In fact, I shielded myself so completely that I can see myself at times when I was confused by their sorrow.

This journey has changed me in ways that I cannot even begin to realize yet, and I’m sure it will continue to change me. I thought about something this morning that is interesting to me. I have never been very afraid of weather systems, and since I love to see a good storm I have the type of luck that they never come very close to me. I used to at least be moderately afraid, though, when the sirens, etc. would go off during the night. After Erin was born, we felt more obligated, and so would wake up and listen to the weather to ensure it wasn’t coming our way. Well, last night I slept through the sirens, and only woke twice to hear the heavy rain and wind. (I found out there were sirens from FaceBook this morning!) And I really don’t care. Couldn’t have cared less if it blew me away. My only caveat is that if it is going to hit my house, I politely request that it actually kills me versus the inconvenience of waking up in rain and rubble. But I don’t have that sort of luck.

Speaking of which, I just told a friend via email that I know “I can’t get out of this life.” It’s like a damn dinner party that you just can’t get out of going to. Well, you could, but you know you shouldn’t or that you won’t? I know you know the feeling.

And then there is something else. I read a lovely short article by a lady grieving her son. I don’t know who she is but his name was Tim. She was saying how she would have traded places with him, but that she wouldn’t wish this type of grief on anyone and so wouldn’t wish it on him either. Nor would she wish him to have to suffer in any way. So I had to think of that, and it gave me some solace. But then I thought of how I have been so selfish and not even thought of the months that I know Erin suffered. I don’t know how badly in some cases, because she wasn’t one to talk about her feelings. It was like pulling teeth unless she was having an outburst right then. Who knows how she felt. It wasn’t that I didn’t try to find out, but maybe she never told us the whole truth.

I just don’t know how to make sense of this, and how to move on, and how or why or what or where – I know nothing it seems. Knowing would not make me less sad, so I don’t know why I feel I have to understand this so much. I have a lot locked up inside of my mind and spirit that I want to talk about. I don’t know how to put some of it into words, and I have so many questions. And I’m afraid of so many things, for the first time in a long time. I’m afraid of losing Erin for good, I’m afraid of losing myself, of losing whatever there is that is left behind here, and of becoming stuck. Maybe becoming stuck is the biggest fear that I have. Now that she is gone, if I do nothing with the rest of my life, how is that honoring her?

One day soon I will get the courage to video her room, or at least take pictures. I want to share her world with you. Her room wasn’t designer – it was ERIN. It was whatever she wanted and maybe a little of what I guided her towards. We had lived here a little over a year, and had finally gotten most of her stuff (99%) up on the walls, and put into place. When I look in the doorway, I see her everywhere. She left her mark everywhere she went.

I know I thank you each day for sharing this journey with me, but I will continue to do so. Thank you. And many blessings.

Oct 02

New Energies

Ah! So I didn’t post anything yesterday. I honestly got started, then I forgot. I had some distractions and I guess it kept me from breaking down too much. Here is what I had started, and then got sad and stopped writing.

Some days it is hard for me to really believe that Erin is no longer here. I do not say “she passed away” because I need to face reality, and that reality is that she died. Saying that is surreal to me. How could it have happened? I ask that philosophically because I know it happened, etc. There is still a part of me that doesn’t understand.

Yesterday I wrote my completion letter for my grief therapy “homework.” I did feel better after writing it. It gave me a chance to put down on paper what I am sorry for, and what I just simply wanted to tell her.

Still, it sucks to wake every day with that feeling in your stomach and heart area. You know the feeling – like when you suddenly know something is wrong and you are so worried that you can hardly stand it? Yes, that one. But it doesn’t go away. My heart chakra is so tender and sore, that my physical chest area actually hurts to the touch over my physical heart area. It’s like it is sore from being punched. I bet I have produced enough energy in the past two months through that area of my body to power my house.

I also wonder, how many more days, weeks, or months can I stand to feel so lost? I am metaphorically walking in the desert with nothing in sight. I just go through the motions, like putting one foot in front of the other because that’s what you have to do if you want to be walking. And I walk (metaphorically) because that’s all that I know to do. I’m not sure I even care anymore if I ever get to the other side, but in the moments that I do care, I feel so lost.

I had a reading yesterday with Lisa Gawlas, and a different type of reading today with Betsey Lewis. They are both unique in what they do. Readings aren’t one size fits all and everyone has their niche. I found out from Lisa that I am headed in the right direction, with Erin non-physically guiding me by my side. She shows up in all of my readings with Lisa. I am so glad that she is still close to me but so sad that she’s not physically here. So I struggle with that. I’m happy for a moment, at least. Anyway, I’m headed in the right direction for my life, so that is what I needed to hear. I did not want to be stuck.

I got the same general message from Betsey this morning. And yes Erin had communicated with her. Long story, but I knew that I was supposed to ask Betsey to look at Erin’s astrological information for my reading. I even offered to pay her extra because that was extra work and I didn’t ask until after I had booked it. Anyway, when I am able to step back and look at my situation objectively, I am able to see that her death was unavoidable. It was “fated” so to speak. All of the astrology and numerology shouted that out in a big way. Yes, it shouted it. Erin needed for me to know that I couldn’t have prevented it. I guess you all know I’ve been agonizing over that right? No, it doesn’t make me less sad, but it provides me with some understanding. I understand fate and destiny quite well. It’s hard when it’s yours to have to swallow though. A bitter pill.

On that note, I have believed since I was much younger that my destiny was to help people and to lead. I began down that path in earnest around 15 years ago, but I have not developed it very actively. I piddle here, piddle there. I have gifts if you want to call them that. I don’t use them. I can be lazy, unmotivated, and I’m fearful of failure and being wrong. I guess I’m not so different than many people but fear is usually a personal thing that is unique to everyone experiencing it.

Well Betsey gently called me out on that and said that I am supposed to get up and use these things in 2015. Erin’s death has shaped me in ways that I can’t begin to describe, and no I’m not happy about it but I do see how it will help me to have had this experience in the future. I would rather have learned this another way, trust me. An involved dream would have been fine, one that was so real I could learn from it maybe. It seems that I need to make lemonade from these lemons, an irony since Erin loved fresh (real) lemonade which takes a boat load of lemons to make.

I guess today, I feel very bittersweet. I have exciting new things ahead of me if I take action to make them happen. I am starting over – scary but exciting and it would be to anyone. I am loathe to leave the past behind because that’s where Erin is, or was. I know she is in my heart, though, and I will take her with me wherever I go. What greater gift, and greater love, could I possibly ask for? Her soul sacrificed a lifetime of love and togetherness to help propel me forward. And whatever else she accomplished during her short time here, I can only imagine.

Sep 30

To Admit, or Not to Admit

There are some things about this loss that I have yet to admit, even to myself. I can feel them in there, waiting behind a curtain or something, but they just don’t come to the surface. Sometimes it’s like I have an agreement like “I can’t look at that right now, please don’t show yourself.” Such as when I walk past Erin’s room, which I have to do in order to go upstairs or downstairs. I carefully avert my eyes from looking INTO the room, even though I am facing it in some cases, and I consciously think “I know you are in there, but it hurts me to look.” Heck, maybe she isn’t in there, but her energy is, and it hurts.

Yesterday during my therapy session I said something that I have been feeling, and that nearly came out prior to the session as I took work breaks and cried. I didn’t just lose my daughter, who I love and miss more than I can describe. I lost my family. I lost my life. I lost being a mother. I lost Erin’s friends. I lost so many more smaller things that I can’t put them all here. I am grieving all of those losses.

Before you, being well-meaning, tell me that I still have a relationship with her friends, that I am still a mother, that I still have a family, please consider this…while I may have those things in some form, they have changed. I don’t get to have the relationship that you might regarding having your child and their friends over to play, or taking them to movies, because I no longer have a child in the mix. I no longer have a family. I have a husband. It’s different. We don’t have a child now. We have memories of our child, which are painful, and so we don’t talk about her much for our own sanity. All of those family things we used to do, we don’t do anymore.

I lost TIME. I am grieving the loss of the time I had with Erin, and I wish I had more time. I wish I had spent the time I had with her better, paid more attention to her. I have many regrets. I’m not sure it is guilt, but it is definitely regret.

I have a viewpoint that ranges from “everything happens for a reason and I will one day see the value in this” to “I will never accept this and my child was taken from me.” I feel torn between to lovers so to speak, because in my heart both of those are true even though they conflict. I don’t believe in victims, I believe in co-creators of reality. So why do I feel so victimized? Was it because I didn’t see this coming and it has been so horrible? I think that is another article for another time.

I think I mentioned yesterday that I was given a task to learn about vulnerability. If I didn’t, well I’m saying it now. I found that in most cases I am vulnerable, but just now I am having an epiphany that I am not vulnerable with my Self. I need to admit this stuff that I am writing about to you, so that I admit it to ME. That way, I can meet and greet these feelings and then work on clearing them. Carrying the baggage doesn’t serve me, and neither does holding on to negative emotions.

So this has been productive and I made it through with minimal tears. Wish me luck on my last assignment out of my Grief Recovery book that I have to work on later today. It’s my “completion letter” to Erin, telling her everything that I wish I could tell her if she was here now. Oh, now I’m crying…

Sep 29

Some of Her Last Artwork

Erin did these pieces while she was in the hospital. I’ll put explanations next to each of them.

UIA_painting

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This was painted on July 17, 2017 while she was waiting on Dr. Polly Ferguson to finish up with us at the University of Iowa Children’s Hospital. It’s really nice at children’s hospitals because they have neat things for the kids to do.

The next pieces were done the last week in July some time. She had a lot of things given to her but only felt well enough for a short window that last week to do them.

StickerFlower

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This one, they only gave her a sheet with that many green dots. She requested more green and some pink dots for the flower. By the time the girl brought them the next day, she didn’t feel like finishing. I have the sheets with the dots, but I don’t feel I should finish her art work 🙁

Heart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Again, last week in July. I don’t know where she got the sticker from but it’s stuck and doesn’t come off. She really loved to draw hearts.

Front_birdhouse Back_birdhouse

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Front and back of a small birdhouse! Notice the birds on the front, and the trees on the back.

Finishing up with a picture my cousin recently sent me of Erin and Elayna after the Alexander’s picnic in spring 2014. This was taken on one of the overlooks on Monte Sano up at the park. They had a great time that day. We walked the old closed off road trail for a bit and did the overlook after the picnic.

Erin_Elayna_2014

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I miss my baby. Thank you for letting me share her with you.

Sep 29

Morning Thoughts

Saturday, I began berating myself for what I should have done in regards to figuring out Erin’s illness. I know that should is a bad word. My therapist sort of put it into context saying “Don’t “should” all over yourself.” You get the picture. But there are at least things I would like to have done differently, although I dont’ know what. Looking back, I couldn’t find many examples other than times when maybe I could have threw a fit or two to get things moving faster, if I had known what to move. Would it have mattered? Maybe, maybe not. Again, a symptom of my psyche wanting to think it is in control of everything.

On Sunday, I moved into realizing that nothing I do is going to bring her back, and that she is gone. You may be thinking that one is a no brainer, but it was a new level of sadness for me. I realized that her soul is out there doing its thing, whatever that is, and that I can hope that she will stay close to me but I can’t guarantee that because she has moved on. To lighten the mood here, I had that revelation as I sat down to pee. For some reason I cry a lot when I pee. I think it’s just a minute to hide my face in the privacy of the toilet room and I simply lose it. I catch myself saying “Oh, Erin” or some variation as I sit down, then I cry, and I try to dry it up before I come back to watch TV or whatever if Shaun is home.

And this morning, I discovered that my childhood pediatrician passed away. I always liked him very much and saw him until I was around 24 years old because I couldn’t imagine seeing another doctor. It hit me as one more presence in my life that is now gone. I haven’t seen him in years but he was a larger than life persona. His daughter so graciously came to Erin’s service, and I am ashamed to say I’m not sure I can return the gesture because I am such a damn mess these last few days. I am walking a fine line between being selfish and taking care of myself through what I guess is healthy selfishness. And not just with this – all the time. Some things I just cannot do without extreme emotional distress.

The furrow between my eyebrows is growing deeper than it ever has. I wake up with it worse than at bedtime. I guess I frown all night. When I cry it also curls up, which is a lot. That doesn’t help me feel better about myself for sure and is i just an errant thought this morning.

It is so hard to consider healing, or the hope of healing. My life is so empty without Erin, and that is no offense to anyone else in my life, especially Shaun. How I feel is no one’s fault, it just IS.

Today I woke up with that heavy feeling in my heart and the pit of my stomach again, but worse than it has been in the past several days. Wish me luck as I try to muddle through it. This is like the battle of the two wolves story, where the wolf that you feed is the one that lives. I need to remember to feed the wolf that is hopeful for healing and the future and not the one that is dead inside and wants to rot and give up.

Sep 28

Same Old

It seems I am back to sadness this morning. Well it started last night, when I realized that I was frantically going over every piece of Erin’s illness trying to figure out what I missed and when I missed it. There was no stopping that. It lasted until I went to bed even though I knew it was futile and that it hurt me.

Woke up this morning as usual, thinking of her. By the time I actually made it out of bed 30 minutes ago I was crying and down. I miss her so badly. Does this never end? I know the answer…

I went ahead and booked an appointment with Betsey Lewis for later this week. I am lost and need direction, and I also hope of course with her being a medium that Erin will pay me a visit. Actually I’m sure she will, since she already paid Betsey one. I will just say for now that her return email to me knocked my socks off with something I haven’t really mentioned even here, and for now I’ll leave it at that.

You know, I look into her room every morning and say “Good morning Erin.” I do the same at night. I talk to her all day, and I tell her that I love and miss her. I never open her blinds or turn on her lights. No one lives there anymore and I am afraid if I do that, then it will give me false hope and the neighbors might think that everything in our home is back to normal. It is not normal by any means.

By the way, in the midst of my review of what went wrong, I realized that it wouldn’t have mattered. At least I don’t think it would have. Her body never gave up its secrets. If it wasn’t infectious disease, she had other departments at Children’s consult at least twice and in the end they told us that they couldn’t recall having so many departments and people consult on one child in their memory. But my mind thinks that if I had been in more control that I could have fixed the situation. That’s a fallacy, but my mind doesn’t like not having control over situations. It’s a protection mechanism from my childhood – long story. The bottom line is that my mind is trying to figure out where it went wrong, and it will either try to blame itself or someone else. It won’t bring her back, though. It just tortures me.

I actually just read something about the mind not believing what the heart knows or understands. I have written about that before and dang it, my mind is smart but dumb at the same time because it never believes my heart. It doesn’t take orders very well either, such as to give the flashbacks and worrying a rest. There is nothing left for me to worry over. It’s over now, and nothing else matters in the whole scheme of things. I can rest. My mind can rest. My heart has to heal.

Maybe later today I can muster it up to share some more of Erin’s artwork. I found a birdhouse she painted the last week she was awake in the hospital the other day, and at some point I will post a video of her room. She really loved her stuff and it all was special and had meaning.

Wishing you all a wonderful day.

Sep 27

Clouds in My Coffee

Having a moment of clarity this morning, I read Lisa Gawlas’ most recent blog article and I got it quite strongly and clearly. The article, linked here, talks about sitting on the fence and basically how the universe (source, god, insert your word here) sometimes comes to points where it will propel you one way or another. This occurs whether or not you have made a decision, because as Neil Peart so aptly wrote “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” Anyway, Lisa is discussing the lunar energies that are active right now. I forget why they are important, but I can see my own saga playing out in what she is writing about.

I got interrupted and have lost some of my clarity, but let’s see if I can pick this back up. From every spiritual writer that I read, it appears that we are in yet another period of change where we can choose the “old world” or the “new world.” This is the macrocosm, because you can see this theme play out every day in your life with the choices that you make can’t you? You either choose to do things “the way you always have done them,” regardless of whether the outcome is desirable or successful, or you choose to do things a new, different way. The truth is that you can’t have things both ways. You can’t be a full-time CEO of a company while still being a stay at home parent (OK, not in most cases). Does that make sense? You choose your path, one way or another. You may choose a hybrid but you still make a choice to either keep going as you are, or to change. And you do this every day. WE do it every day, perhaps multiple times a day.

Without delving into the depths of my own mind and soul, and hashing out my current bigger picture clarity on the “Why” of Erin’s death, I can say with certainty that I am in between the Old World and the New World right now. And not by choice! I was put here with her passing. My current state of grief has me clinging to the Old, because the Old was my old life, the old me, the Me with her still here. I am not saying that Erin died so that I would be propelled into the New. What I am saying is that now I find myself Here, and I must choose which way to go. You would think that it would be easy to choose moving forward, assuming that means that you would feel better right? It’s not so easy because it means letting go. Letting go of sadness, of anger and other emotions; letting go of my old life and letting go of my former persona of Erin’s Mommy. How can I still wear those old hats when I no longer have a job function to perform under them? Well I don’t have a graceful answer for that. But I can foresee letting go of other facets of the Old Me also. When she died it destroyed me, literally shattering who and what I was from the inside out.

I am afraid to move forward and let go of the Old. I am afraid that means letting go of Her. I know that I will never forget or stop loving her, but what does moving into the New mean? Can someone guarantee me that I will not lose her forever? These are irrational fears, but they are real. In a way, her death has taught me that the only thing worth keeping out of my shattered self is Love. Nothing else matters – not money, not school, not all of the crap we had to drive to and make sure we attended, not the house, not the petty arguments about daily crap that we got into as a family and as individuals…nothing matters but Love. And I capitalize Love because I am talking about Unconditional Love. I love Erin unconditionally, and I guess that is what I will take with me into the New.

I guess I did find that clarity this morning after all. I still miss Erin so deeply that I am sad a lot, but I am getting used to it in a strange way. Blessings to everyone this morning, and good luck on your own journey into the New, if that is where you decide to go.