Jun 22

My Homeopathy Journey – Natrium Muriaticum 6/16/2021

I feel compelled to start this one by telling you that if you don’t understand how homeopathy works, please do some additional reading! I have limited time when I create posts and do not have time to explain it in detail. But I can emphasize again that if I post that I am having symptoms, that means I am “proving” as they call it that the remedy is working. My symptoms are being “aggravated” and that is how the body moves illness and dis-ease out of you.

After a moderate chat with my practitioner Sharon, I was prescribed Natrium Muriaticum 30C, more commonly called Nat Mur. I’ve had it before, at the end of December 2020, in the same dose. I was able to take the first dose as a pill (the little “round balls” that come in the tubes) on 6/16, then finished it up with liquid on 6/17 morning and evening.

As an aside, you have to increase the potency each time you take it for it to be effective if it’s a multi-dose prescription. So I took it as a pill (under tongue) first, then mixed another pill in water. The next time I took it, I shook it 10 times and took 1 tsp, then shook another 10 times and took another tsp the next time. Shaking means you pound it against your hand, or you can stir it with a metal spoon. You do not touch the pills – use tweezers. And if you start to show symptoms and feel bad, you don’t take the next dose until you feel ok.

I’m beginning to think I need an entire article on “how to” and explanations, but I digress.

Also – disclaimer: I am not a Homeopathic Practitioner. I am sharing my experience and personal knowledge.

Well the first thing I noticed was I was able to get the 3 doses in without feeling bad, which was a victory considering how badly I had felt a few weeks ago. I also determined I have some sick house air issues, and so have been fixing that situation and maybe that’s why I have yet to have a headache. But the headaches usually come in the 1.5 week range, so we will see.

I have noticed that the eczema that I have in my ears has spread and gotten itchier. It’s now behind my ears and in front of them, and may be on the nape of my neck at my hairline. An article from Homeopathy Plus states the following:

“Physical symptoms include dryness and cracking of skin, eczema, psoriasis, herpetic eruptions, constipation, headaches, back pain, and more. Complaints often follow grief, heartache, and disappointment. Those needing Nat-m can appear hard or closed, dislike lengthy conversation and prefer to be alone. They are sensitive and easily hurt but avoid talking about their problems and don’t like being comforted or consoled.”

Well, except for the herpetic eruptions and lengthy conversation part, that nails me spot on.

Unfortunately, at the end of December I didn’t take any notes. But what I can tell you this time is that so far so good, and by that I mean I can live with the other things and am thankful that I don’t have a headache.

Yesterday 6/21/21, I had a chiropractic appointment. I have been advised that having energy work done during a remedy can amplify it. Chiropractic is energy work as the manipulations work on your entire body as nerves are decompressed and the musculoskeletal system is moved around. On this visit, my neck was indeed stiff but not as painful as normal. This time it was my SI joint and left hip, which have hurt on and off for a long time. I also had a tightness and pain at T8.

I tried something different that Sharon also told me to do, which was to take a Calcarea Phosporica before AND immediately after being adjusted or having energy work done, so I did just that. Calc Phos is used for headaches and also bones and connective tissue. See a short article here.

So far so good, but I have horrible gas! And it smells – bad! I am also bloated. The gastro section of the referenced article didn’t mention these but did mention gastro upsets. I hope this part passes soon! Ha ha

What I am hoping for is that the adjustment “holds” a bit longer, and has a higher chance of success. I will keep you posted!

Lastly, I want to share this Gaia.com video with you about homeopathy. If you watch it in the next 20 hours it’s free, but you can always watch it with a subscription. I thought it was very nicely done.

Love and blessings,

Nicole

Jun 16

My Homeopathy Journey Part 2

In mid-March 2021 I took Candida Parapsilosis (commonly called Candida Par) 30C strength to combat the candida overgrowth that I’ve had most of my life. I had yeast infections as a young kid. My pediatrician treated it with Mycolog, and had my mother use only Ivory soap and not let me use bubble bath. I didn’t know it wasn’t normal. I literally had yeast infections ALL THE TIME and had a running prescription for Mycolog. When I got older I changed over to Monistat. I thought that was something that women have. Again, didn’t know it wasn’t normal.

There are many reasons that Candida gets out of control in a body. I think mine can be attributed to 1. stress, and 2. sugar. My mother ate Total cereal but we drank the hell out of some cokes! I drank coke day and night. They were unlimited at my house. So go figure.

Did you know that Candida can cause things like:

  • Brain fog
  • Lethargy
  • Weight gain
  • Candida “outbreaks” such as yeast infections and skin lesions (like Athlete’s foot)
  • Inflammation
  • Sinus issues
  • Stomach issues resembling ulcers (more on that in a minute!)

OK, admittedly I listed all of the things that I suffer from that Candida aggravates. There are more. Go read up on it!

Some of my Candida high points include at least two instances, about a year apart, of whole body “Athlete’s Foot.” I honestly though the first time it was poison ivy and I tried to wait it out 6 weeks before seeing my then practitioner. She confirmed through muscle testing that it was candida, and I took the prescribed item and it immediately went away. The second time I recognized it. Looking back, I think it was brought on by a lot of stress. Stress causes dis-ease in your body or at least sets up the conditions for dis-ease to flourish.

Last year I had what I thought was stomach ulcers. I threw up a lot and was nauseated every time that I ate. I finally got in for both an endoscopy and a colonoscopy and the only thing that they found? Candida of the esophagus! Well, they were perplexed, because normally only HIV or otherwise immune compromised patients have this. I’ve had a lot of stress over the last 10 years or so, and I guess I finally succumbed.

Back to the Candida Par…

After 1 week I had bloating, fatigue, and weight gain (which was on the rise anyway). Blemishes, gas, and chapped lips were worse.

On 3/29 I woke with a migraine after having a headache since 10 am on 3/28. I relented and took 2 Excedrin and Afrin (which was a no-no). It was what Sharon calls a “violent headache.” For those who correlate these types of things, there was a full moon on 3/28 (I need to track these closer – I had another migraine last week during the eclipse). And whatever is going on in my ears (eczema?), well they itched horribly.

On 3/30 I had inflamed salivary glands, then on 3/31 I had an angry rash on my upper left chest. I still have a remnant. Then on 4/2, I got thrush – yay! Just kidding…yeast in your mouth is really uncomfortable.

Fast forward to 4/3 and I had a stuffy sinus and headache all day. I also had a lot of gas, all week.

I’ve had these symptoms in little bunches since, especially the itching spots. I had another migraine on 4/15 and thankfully Arnica 200C helped.

Another migraine on 5/25 which got bad enough for me to take Excedrin again. I had an important meeting that morning and just couldn’t. 🙁 I had blurred vision and sensitivity to cold all week. The total time from headache inception to going away was 6-7 days this time. I also took Thuja, but haven’t looked into it yet. I assumed that I antidoted it by taking the Excedrin but then figured out I hadn’t, but did by drinking some coffee the following Friday.

Now I am caught up, and will share my meeting with Sharon and new remedy with you tomorrow!
Love and blessings,

Nicole

Jun 15

My Homeopathy Healing Journey – Part 1

I wrote a little about my journey in my last blog post and also said all that I plan to say about western medicine. It has it’s place and I’m thankful for it in acute situations of need. Ok, so I said a little more.

I have been in some sort of pain for most of my adult life. It started with chronic fatigue (undiagnosed – but damn, I was tired) in my mid to late 20’s, progressed to weight gain and bad headaches, which later turned into neck/back pain and migraines and frequent swollen sinuses. I left out life-long yeast infections and a spate of frequent UTIs, and probably a lot more. Because when you live with a mountain of pain and agony, you sort of forget the little things and only remember the spikes.

I did get some sinus relief from my ENT, who I love (Dr. Neeta Kohli-Dang in Huntsville, AL if anyone needs one). Dr. Dang did surgery on me around 10 years ago and they were great for awhile. I appreciated that she could see I was suffering and did an MRI on me, which revealed very inflamed sinuses. But I digress…

I have had many years of chiropractic care and used many modalities of alternative care. They have helped me so much! But they don’t “hold” or “stay” on me, because I haven’t found root cause.

Now let’s not get ourselves in a root cause quagmire. I am talking about root cause in this lifetime for those of you reading who may be into past lives, memory in our DNA, ancestral stuff, etc. Which leads me to the most recent chiropractor that I’ve been working with. Dr. Garry Cook in Scottsboro, AL is fantastic. He works with your skeleton and muscles and going to him is sort of like having him trace your energy back bit by bit to the beginning. For instance, a few weeks ago he said “This neck thing is an old injury, and it’s like your head was hit and forced backwards.” I remembered that when I was 15, I wasn’t wearing a seat belt and hit the windshield of a friend’s Ford Ranger so hard that my forehead made an indention. There were a few other head type injuries over my younger life, but that was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back. But at 15, your body holds shit together a whole lot better than at almost 50. I wish I had been working on this sooner!

I have almost forgotten to mention my excellent homeopathic practitioner, Sharon Parrish. I started my journey with her on 12/20/20 after being referred to her by my also excellent Structural Integration practitioner, Susan Jeffreys. If she’s good enough for Susan, she’s good enough for me (and she is of course!).

I need to add a few things before you read my journey. First, I am not a homeopathic practitioner. I am very well-read and I read up on everything I take and discuss with my practitioner, though, and so I’ve included links that I found helpful when i mention a remedy below. If you do a general Google search and want something than a mainstream media article, search for “remedy name” homeopathy otherwise you’ll end up with something that isn’t a personalized account of having taken the remedy or a practitioner’s point of view. Also, practitioners ask you a LOT of questions to determine the correct remedy, so as you’re reading you need to remember that your issues won’t be 100% of what something can be prescribed for but you will definitely recognize some. They can be used effectively for both physical and emotional symptoms. Finally, they are in extremely small doses so don’t let your surprise of what they are derived from discourage you. I encourage you to read about how homeopathy works if you’ve got questions, or book an appointment with a reputable practitioner who can explain it to you.

So about my journey…When you are using homeopathy it’s good to take detailed notes. You want to know what you took, dosage, frequency, and what your symptoms were. Why? Well, if a symptom is “aggravated” it means the remedy was the correct one and is working. And depending on many factors, aggravation can be miserable. I am sharing this because this is a lifestyle change and commitment to yourself and it isn’t simple or easy (haven’t I mentioned that?). And Sharon says that it hits your weakest areas. For me, that’s my neck and sinuses, and results in horrific migraines. I have felt hung over without the fun of staying out all night more times since December than I can tell you!

Looking back at my notes from December, I want to emphasize TAKE GOOD NOTES. I clearly did not! Or maybe my handwriting just stinks so badly I can’t figure it out…but it looks like I took Nux Vomica and then Arnica Montana. It’s unclear if I had a sinus swelling and severe headache first or if something aggravated it but I ended up with one somehow. And if memory serves, I was in bed for 1.5 weeks of my 2 week vacation from work. (Remember, I’ve had severe pain for years. Maybe you will react differently.)

On 12/26 she had me take X-Ray. It’s a real remedy, taken to counteract the effects of x-rays, MRI, etc. The next day I felt like I had a bad hangover. I took Nux Vomica to help, and by afternoon I was better.

On 12/27 I began a list of remedies, starting with Aconite. I felt better but still had swollen sinuses and a headache. I slept better, elevated but soundly. (Thank goodness I recently got a Sleep Number bed that I can elevate!)

12/28 – took Papavera and slept great. I had a general sense of well-being.

12/29 – I took Hydrogen. I did not sleep well and woke up many times restless. My sinuses were filling up, but when I would move positions they would drain.

12/30 – I took Carcinosin. Let’s just say I expelled some stuff from my bowels.

Between 12/31/20 and 1/21/21 I had:

-Sensitive teeth
-Joint and muscle aches
-Constipation
-Fatigue and brain fog
-Thyroid (left side which is all I have left) shrunk in size
-Tons of gas
-Felt “out of gas”
-Slept poorly due to lower SI joint pain

This is a pretty good synopsis of the first leg of my homeopathy journey. The next phase begins work on my lifelong Candida issue.

Remember to keep in mind that I have had some very chronic issues, and so I’ve experienced a lot of discomfort related to healing those issues. But homeopathy is designed to work gently, so your journey may be much easier than mine.

Love & Blessings,

Nicole

Jun 09

Why Is Healing is Such a Long Journey?

hands woman sitting table
Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

I actually made a list of topics that I’ve been meaning to discuss, and of course I did not pick one of them. I often write articles while trying to go to sleep. The problem is, they are in my mind and the next day I cannot remember a thing. I guess they are out in the ethers somewhere, so if you find them let me know (ha ha).

Healing. I mean true healing. I have been really struggling. Not because I’m grieving my child, not because I eat horribly, or don’t do many of the right things to stay healthy. The grieving does contribute, but it’s more like icing on the cupcake.

I do want to address something up-front. You will often hear me talk about western medicine and how disillusioned I am with it and with MDs. That sentiment comes from years of frustration and angst with not only my own health, but with many loved-ones health. I’m still frustrated, but I know now that they are only doing what they were taught, and what they were taught is how to do surgery, how to prescribe medication, and how to look up symptoms and match them with probable causes (generally speaking). They – like many of us – were also taught, for example, that if the FDA says some mercury is safe then it is, so on and so forth. There are a few who are better, who strive to learn, but on the whole most are generally doing their best but with what they know. I don’t like to stereotype folks, but it is what it is.

So “going to the doctor” isn’t what I’m talking about here. I’m not trying to treat my symptoms…I’m trying to heal the root cause. Which lends to even more frustration! Why does healing take so long? Why is it painful? Why to so many questions! Oh, and I want the healing journey to be instantaneous. Then I remember it’s not a pill curing the symptom.

Oh, and if you’ve got an issue that an MD needs to address, please use your good adult judgment and go to the appropriate sort of doctor. I’m not here giving you medical advice.

1. You Didn’t Get This Way Overnight

That’s a huge one to remember. Most of us spent years upon years working on our ill health. Our bodies buckled under the strain until finally those sinuses gave way, or maybe the gums receded, or the cardiovascular system gave out. We used things like Roundup without understanding what it might do to us, ate shit tons of mac and cheese without abandon, and partied like it was 1999. All of the environmental factors, including your own INvironmental factors (i.e, your own body), play a part in which illness you develop, how bad it is, etc. etc.

Did you know that emotions play a part too? They do. If you’re engaged with your own body you will be able to recognize it. Just in case you’re not though, have you ever heard of someone getting upset and their blood pressure going up? There you go. Now extend that to anger, grief, and general stress. It really does a number on your and keeps doing it each and every time it is either consciously or unconsciously in play.

So bottom line up front, true healing isn’t quick and it isn’t always fun. It is going to take a minute, it’s going to take your dedication, and you’re going to have to sustain lifestyle changes.

2. You Will Have Healing Crises

You can Google “healing crisis” but here is a nice link to explain it if you aren’t familiar. Basically all of your symptoms get worse, and you think “OMG, this isn’t working!” But really it is, it just sucks really bad because you start detoxing in various ways. There is also a great Simpsons episode that explores this briefly, although it was subtle and most people probably didn’t realize what was happening.

The best thing I can tell you is stay the course! I bet it’s similar to stopping smoking. You finally get it out of your system, and know you can’t go back or you’ll pick it up again. Same with whatever you were doing to become dis-eased.

3. Your Symptoms Don’t Clear Up Overnight

I plan to write about the homeopathic journey I’ve been on since December and use my own examples. But you definitely won’t see things clear up overnight. It doesn’t work that way. You are slowly backing out of whatever you’ve already been through. It works the same way with chiropractic care when you have many or chronic issues.

For example, I have tremendous and horrible neck pain and migraines. They had gotten better but I think my body had just suppressed them. Now that I’m being treated actively, they’ve come out with a vengeance. In fact, I feel so shitty right now that I’m probably not giving this blog post my all. I’m not quitting though. I’ve come too far and am committed! (Hope if you’re reading this because you were looking for healing journey info, you are too!).

Anyway, my point is that this is going to take a bit for me to get rid of the migraines and fix whatever is causing them, and causing me not to hold an adjustment. It’s a process. It’s not take two aspirin and call me in the morning.

4. Also Take Care of Your Emotional Body

Healing isn’t just about the physical, there are emotional causes to physical dis-ease like I mentioned above. For example, grief has caused me to experience panic attacks and anxiety when I get emotionally stressed. It has become like a runaway train, and I can observe it calmly but can’t control my body actions. So that results in a lot of physical tension, which results in an uptick of migraines and neck pain.

That’s a pretty easy example, but here’s another well-known example in the metaphysical community at least…did you know that anger, if not processed, can cause cancer? What I mean is, if you “swallow it” rather than finding a healthy outlet – like me writing here – it will cause dis-ease in your body.

That’s all for today. I will get started writing about my journey with Homeopathy this week. It has been very interesting and has produced positive results.

Oh, and hang in there if you’re struggling like I am. Support each other!

Love and blessings,

Nicole

Jun 08

Hello to You, & You & You & You

I am somewhat surprised that it has been so long since last writing. I’ve had a rough few years with my health and how I feel. It was a catch 22 because when I feel bad, I don’t express and process. And when I don’t express and process, I feel bad. It’s a viscous cycle and I really need to take my own advice and not stay in it!

But I also had a wonderful 3 year stint with my job with wonderful people (for the most part). Working long hours, even at a job you love, doesn’t give you much time to write. I couldn’t do it from my job’s local network and typing on my phone was just too hard for more than a few sentences. I have fat fingers lol!

So what all has changed?

I got a new laptop. I had been using Erin’s laptop, and it was long overdue for a change of energy. I have it packed away and will keep it forever and ever but it was slowly dying.

I’m in between programs. For those of you who don’t know, I’m an IT manager. I like to keep my professional life out of things here but it’s a huge part of who I am. I use my spiritual gifts and intuition, as well as common sense, to lead teams of people and execute mission goals. I’ll be great if the GF ever drafts me. Maybe it will be like Starship Troopers but less dangerous.

I paid off my car – first car I’ve ever paid off so woo hoo! That’s not really relevant here but what the hell. I’m excited about it. On that note, I owe less than $7K on my student loan. Woo hoo! I’ll have it paid off before I’m 52.

I have been blessed with two new cats. Larry came to us as a 4-5 week old stray last year, and we just adopted Helios who is around 7 mo old to play with her. Buffy is 11 now, fat, and just can’t be bothered.

I had surgery on my knee, shoulder, and thyroid within a year of each other. All on the right side. For those of you who are knowledgeable on that sort of thing, I know the right side is significant but I’ve just been too overwhelmed to gain clarity. So maybe you can clue me in?!

I started seeing a homeopathic practitioner. Some of my issues are old, and it’s been painful. I am getting over a migraine now in fact. But it also has helped me to open up to write again. Woo hoo!

I have been reconnecting with old friends of all kinds. I love that. Everyone I’ve ever met is in my heart somewhere. Thank you for being you.

I bet many of us have had tons of changes since we were all forced indoors for awhile. That is another topic entirely, but let me just say that I hope you are transforming or have transformed like the butterfly that I know you are. We are in this together, so let’s keep communicating.

Love and blessings,

Nicole

May 15

Turning the Tide

Greetings everyone! It’s been quite awhile since I’ve been verbal at all, so I’m happy to work on becoming so again. It’s so easy to just hold it all in. After awhile, it’s like there is just too much to say or explain and so the saga of holding it in continues. I couldn’t begin to tell you what I’ve been doing, feeling, thinking, etc. so I’ll just start anew.

For one, I removed some pages from my website. For me, pages are like books and I never get rid of books. But what if the stories don’t fit me anymore? I really don’t need to refer back to them. So I got rid of them. I also got rid of my services page. That’s another story all together, but I had energetically blocked services (coming from me) many years ago. That story was painful, and it got brought to light this week by a dear friend so I am revisiting it within now.

Am I tracking with you? I ask only because I feel like what I type is not very readable or understandable. Rhetorical question of course – you may read this later but you aren’t here with me now.

Which brings me to the topic of current events. Are you experiencing isolation? I prefer isolation most of the time, but admit that too much of a good thing can be detrimental. If it’s bothering you, flip the script to make it more positive. You can be thankful for the time you have to spend in meditation, or organizing your house, or resting for instance. The half-full or half-empty attitude is all up to you! I encourage you to try the half-full attitude and see how you feel. It’s all about how you feel and if something feels good, then don’t worry what anyone else is saying about it. (Hint: you won’t harm others generally if something feels good. If you have to think about it, take the time to do so and act in accordance with what your heart tells you.)

During this period where we are largely at home, I’ve been working 10 hour days. So not a lot of time to do things others may have the opportunity to do if you are off work or furloughed. I know you’ve got to pay bills, but if you’ve not had to work, try and see the “half-full” and be thankful for the time to just be you. That’s not a luxury we have in this modern world most of the time. This virus may have given us a gift we didn’t know we needed.

Without the constant stream of people every day, though, I did have extra time to be alone with my thoughts and practice introspection a little more than I have had time for. I started this post yesterday, and I wasn’t able to finish it because I hadn’t yet turned the tide. I’ll write about that later, but rediscovering your Self and growing is such an important part of our lives. I’m thankful that I had the opportunity to shift again.

That’s all for now. Much love and blessings, and #missingerin

Dec 28

Current Status

I haven’t written since August. I mentally noted, and probably noted here, that I knew I had a throat chakra challenge as evidenced by a huge goiter and nodule that had grown on my right thyroid. I had it removed on August 14 (more on that in a minute).

I also will assume up front that this transmission will be disjointed. How else would 5 months of pent up stuff to say come out? I’ll try to keep some clarity while writing.

For a long time I’ve wondered why I write. I used to write service type articles. Real articles – how you can help yourself or steps to take to improve something. I actually had a business online at one time that was spiritual self-help. At some point I decided that what I was offering wasn’t valuable. Then I decided that interacting with people in need drained me in a way I wasn’t prepared for (how is that different than the help I give others daily? I don’t know.). And so I drifted from my path and I stopped sharing…until Erin’s body died.

After that I let it all out. It was therapeutic, and hopefully helped some of you. At some point though, I had nothing new to say. I was tired of hearing myself complain about the crumminess of daily living, and the pain. I also struggled with starting up my spiritual sharings again. Some of my “new readers” weren’t into that. Would I alienate them? Offend them? Why did I care so much? (I care about others. But there’s a balance.)

And then…after a year of mostly silence…and feeling unworthy which also translated into my verbal communication with others at work etc….I suddenly had a thyroid goiter and nodule. On the right side – right is masculine traditionally. The realm of action (the feminine/left is the realm of creation/seeding > the masculine acts on this). Those of you who have known me a very long time might wonder how I could have a throat chakra imbalance. I was/am very verbal. I used to be very sharp tongued. But even then, there was no balance. Now I had swung the opposite direction and I guess based on general health, at least on the other extreme I was getting it out of my physical body.

The thyroid surgery was rough, rougher than expected but I healed well. My left side took over and I have felt better than I had in years. I began a shamanic journeying class online (Sandra Ingerman’s class) and started really making some progress in understanding me and my journey. But I didn’t get very far in when I realized I had to get my knee – right knee – fixed before I could physically journey again. I have a Machu Pichu trip planned for 2020 and I plan to hike – to pilgrimage – the 26 miles over 4 days to get there.

Oh, did I forget to mention that the surgery date was on Erin’s death anniversary? I tried to get another date and one wasn’t available. I asked the universe WTH and kept moving.

My knee is healing fast, but it took me down for a bit. BTW, I did that on December 4 because the next available date was on December 11…Erin’s birthday. Seriously universe – WTH?

But the morning of I had an ultrasound on my remaining thyroid and the nodules had grown, and a new one larger than the others appeared. They have to do a needle biopsy on January 8. Isn’t that my Uncle Joel’s birthday? I think so. Damn. I walked with him as he died of cancer too, and was with him and Aunt Shirley when he passed on. He was mentally retarded this life and like a child…making it that much harder to experience.

And last Saturday on the Solstice, I woke up with a cold. It got worse before the 26th eclipse. I’ve been out of commission since, unable to work or otherwise function. Very sore throat – there’s that throat chakra again. I really have had no choice but to use “western meds” to alleviate the coughing. It makes me really foggy.

So, while Shaun went shopping for t-shirts (you know I don’t feel good if I didn’t want to go shopping), I realized I have to write. I forgot to mention I had a session with Suzanne Lie last month and she told me something, which I think is the crux of my point to you and to me. She said, this has to come out of you. You aren’t doing this for anyone else – you are writing for you. I heard her, I really did, but I didn’t really grok it until now. (Sowelu, if you are reading, that word always makes me think of you. And I have missed you so terribly. Much love <3)

I know now that it doesn’t matter if anyone is reading this. Or what anyone else thinks. Although I do welcome feedback and discussion…it enriches me and you. I still don’t know what “this” is but yes, it has to come out. I have identifiable issues with my health, emotionally, and in my communication at work that I need to resolve/heal or whatever the right words are. I don’t want to carry this into 2020. I am not the same person that I was even last year, and as such I can let what that person carried go. I can heal the rifts and the open wounds and I can thrive. This is the first step to doing that. Thanks for listening, love and blessings, and #missingerin <3

Aug 03

Beloved

I have not added a title first this time. My guidance keeps shouting the word “Beloved” but honestly I don’t see the fit. So I am rebelling and keeping it for last. The inner shouting is persistent though.

For those of you who follow metaphysical type topics, you may know that we are in an auspicious time of energetic currents with the Lion’s Gate (8:8) upcoming, a new moon, and we just finished the Mayan Galactic Year with the new year on 7/26. This is the year of the White Magnetic Wizard. I love how that sounds and feels.

I’m also having some sort of inner closet clean out going on. It’s the time of year when I have to face down the date of Erin’s body’s death, and the month long shit show that preceded that. It’s also my brother-in-law Greg’s upcoming birthday within the week (remember, he passed the May before Erin very suddenly). And my mother’s 2nd husband, who died earlier this year, has a birthday within this week and he’s been on my mind. He reconnected with me but bless him, I did not have the emotional energy to give him what he needed except very sparingly spread over time. He needed a friend who cared (in summary) and I couldn’t be that for him since I could barely be that for me.

I was walking through Dillard’s on Thursday leaving a hair appointment (yes, my guy works at Dillard’s and he is fantastic), and passed some Southern Living decor and pillows. I thought, oh I like that…and then in a matter of seconds I had this conversation in my mind…

This stuff is for a home that has a family. That isn’t me anymore. (And then I felt bitterness welling up, so I had to stop and recognize the bitterness which was a separate conversation). Well if that isn’t me who am I? What does that mean? What do I embody and how do I represent who I am on the inside on the outside? WTF WTF WTF!?!?!?

All of that before I hit the next section of stuff. I am thankful that I processed it though. I’m still processing it so I guess I should say “recognized it.” **Sigh**

This week I have had other things come to mind and I realized that I am grieving things from my past. The old me. My old life. I heard a good bit of advice from a video that said to stop focusing on things that happened. You just cement them into the timeline and you also attach yourself to that energy and can’t move forward. So I’m doing with that what I can and encourage you to as well.

Just this morning I was informed that time and elements have finally ruined my father’s toolbox, which I’ve had my entire life. It was metal and apparently it and the tools have rusted. I should have kept it inside I suppose, but it’s not something I use, open, or think about. But the idea of throwing it away caused a rather unpleasant reaction. I also no longer want his desk. That and my mother’s bedroom furniture have become a burden. But I grieve them…I grieve the idea of parting with them. I’ve not only parted with people, but I’ve parted with most of my things and their things in this last move. I feel emptiness in that reality.

But I’ve also developed an attitude of “What’s the use?” and it has affected my health. On Erin’s Angelversary this year, I will be having 1/2 my thyroid removed. Sometime post January, it swelled and grew a huge nodule that has ruined the right half. I’ve also got candida in my esophagus, and feel like utter crap. I have a renewed sense of self but the physical damage is done. If you’re wondering, the thyroid can’t be healed and will be better without the physical piece. I can see the photonic outline of the gland though in my mind’s eye … once it’s out the energy and photonic DNA will remain.

Now I know why I am to call this one Beloved. Love and blessings and #missingerin <3

Jun 02

Getting Back into the Groove

Still amazed at my titles. I know that’s probably an odd thing to hear but they just pop out and I say “Huh?” and then I get it.

I knew I needed – and wanted – to write for some time. On the surface, honestly I question as to whether any of this stuff has any value. I mean that both to me and to others. There is only so much you can say about a subject or situation before it’s just a broken-record complaint.

I also don’t have a lot of time to process much of anything, so it’s just been sitting in there stewing like a pot roast in a crock pot. I can’t cry at work – and emotions tend to make me cry since all roads lead to Erin. I can’t cry on the way to work or I will ruin my makeup…but I still do sometimes. I try to enrich myself with philosophical or spiritual audio books…but they make me think of things I could or should have done differently and I cry. And at the end of the day, I’m too damn tired to cry. I just want to do nothing and so I do. On the weekends too (I spent all day yesterday playing Destiny 2. No emotional upheaval there!).

So my sweet cousin recommended a book called Becoming Supernatural by Dr. Joe Dispenza a few days ago, and long story short I downloaded it. I’ve been seeing it in print for years but I never picked it up. It always catches my attention though. The thing is, the title really doesn’t capture the content. I’m like, hey, I’m already supernatural and I don’t need to read this. The book is really about healing though, and opens with a story about a lady named Anna who experienced an emotionally traumatic event that ruined her health.

Cousin, if you’re reading, you probably don’t know that in one of my other lifestreams I am known as Anna. Nice synchronicity <3

Let me digress for a moment…I’ve currently got an issue going on that I thought was gastrointestinal but discovered that I have horseshoe kidneys. I think my nausea, etc. is kidney related but anyway, look at what Louise Hay has to say about kidneys as paraphrased by Wholelifebalance.com:

“the emotions that are attached to toxic relationships, anger, anxiety, dwelling on past issues and being pissed off, are connected to the occurrence of UTIs and kidney stones. Hay believes that this is a fear of letting go.”

Alchemyofhealing.com has a list from her book which notes:

“Kidney Problems: Criticism, disappointment, failure. Shame. Reacting like a child.”

I’m on chapter 4 of Becoming Supernatural, and realized that I wasn’t sure I was ready to heal. What? I’m in deep thought driving to work on Thursday and Friday realizing this, trying to navigate traffic, and thinking about my busy day ahead. So no, I haven’t gone too deep but I am very well aware that I need to. My next thought was why, and when I asked myself out loud I clearly felt I wasn’t worthy and was paying a penance.

All of the things that I would tell you if you were my client or friend…you did the best you could at that moment, you have grown and are a different person now, so on and so forth…I do not allow of myself. I do constantly criticize, I feel I was a failure to more than just Erin. I failed myself. I knew better. Was better. Blah blah. But I wasn’t so I failed there too.

And I tried to put a new spin on it. If I succeed at healing and walking this path, I will be a template maker along with others who also believe that we will physically be with our loved ones again. Yes – there are others! But do you know what sort of reactions I get when I tell people that? Think about your reaction now. There are only a few who believe in the possibility.

I never doubted my beliefs. I told Erin that our bodies do not have to die. I still believe that and will not get into that here, as that’s not the point of this writing. Do you know how hard it was for me to even entertain that after her body died? I’m a member of a small group (comparably) that believe that, and other things. But it’s not tested until it happens to you.

Yet when Erin told me to BELIEVE – she always shows it in all caps – I did, because she said it. Over, and over, and over she said it.

That’s my future self – the future, healthy, whole self. But how can I get there if I can’t invest enough to take the first step? I don’t have that answer yet.

This must be the end as I have lost the train of thought. Oh, I’m also entering menopause which, before the patriarchy, signaled the move from mother into Crone (wise woman). Not feeling very wise, but it seems to fit with where my souls path wants me to go. It’s sort of funny to me actually.

And on that note, I encourage all of you ladies to read Lisa Lister’s Love Your Lady Landscape. Totally different topic entirely, but I love it and want to share.

Love, blessings, and still #missingerin <3

    Mar 31

    Commitment

    Well, I felt that title strongly, but as of yet I’m not quite sure what it’s about. I love how it flows but sometimes am bewildered in a good way.

    Commitment to writing today? Because I opened it, closed it, and then hemmed and hawed about it some. I’ve been doing some studying to renew my PMP (PDU credits), and going through some email and articles. There is a theme – trust what your heart tells you. That’s it in a nutshell, but it was presented in several different ways. I guess that’s being committed to your self right? To your truth, your path? It seems important but I can’t seem to elaborate on it.

    I’m still pondering how interact with unkind people. Not how to feel about them – I feel love and gratitude for them even if it is tinged with confusion or sadness. But what to DO with them. I don’t have to do anything with them, but I can’t sit and let them spew ugliness either. So hmmm…I’m clearly committed to this line of pondering.

    While pondering just now, I realize that I am committed to my journey. Since around 1998 I’ve been on a spiritual journey. I’ve learned and expanded, continue to do so, and have changed ever so slightly each time that I gain more understanding. Building on a foundation. When Erin left this plane of existence, that house burned down and the foundation was shattered. I was going to walk away but stayed the course after a few weeks of being completely disconnected from all that is. I feel that now I have completed a major portion of this life’s journey as I am on some circular wheel now, and need to get off and get on another pathway. I take what I am with me, and build and expand upon it as I go.

    If it feels right in your heart, commit to it fully. Once your brain gets in the way, your ego will let fear step in and tell you all of the reasons your previous excitement was stupid and careless. I unfortunately know that you might not have “some day” to do it later. Commit to following your heart – and unconditional love and peace within – now.

    Love and blessings <3 #missingerin <3