Well today is a new day, and it could go either way at this point. I had a relatively good night last night and I did notice but I was unsure why. At some point during my decent evening, a friend sent me an article that happened to be about Alexander the Great and Hephaestion. They were inseparable from childhood, and lovers. Their bond was so deep that even in the short article I read I could feel their love. Deep, caring love is how my friend described it (I am not talking about anything sexual). And I realized that as I was reading that, I was thinking of my relationship with Erin, and that I did recognize the deep, caring love. And I felt that love for a little while last night instead of sadness.

Sometimes spirits will send you messages of smell to let you know that they are with you. At some point before bed, I smelled macaroni and cheese very strongly and I knew it was Erin. That was one of her favorite foods, if not her absolute favorite. Being able to elevate my vibration past the sadness for that short while had enabled me to connect with her. I also was able not to cry at this gift, and smiled instead. I will take whatever connection and whatever peace that I can get you know?

I am crying now, but I woke up again with the panic feeling in my heart area. My brain knows she is gone but my heart still mourns. I did see/hear her for a split second during the night. I don’t remember what was going on, but she was concerned about Puppy. I heard her little voice, the one where she was worried – intonations and all – say Puppy, and I knew. I told her Puppy was OK and then I promptly woke up. I guess I mention this because during the night it’s a good feeling to hear and see her. But after I become very consciously awake in the mornings, I begin falling apart. I actually have silly thoughts like maybe I was so distraught that it wasn’t my child who died in the hospital, maybe she is still there? No, she was cremated and I’m sure they did the right person…all of these things crop up and my brain processes them. And I think things like “another morning without Erin” and other things, and I miss her. And so my heart chakra area contracts, and I feel it physically as sadness, stress, and panic.

I am bummed this morning, but not nearly as much as I have been since last week. I will take that as a blessing. But I did spend a great deal of yesterday expressing my anger at the fact that “she left me” and “why won’t someone help me.” I guess if I could just jump right out of feelings of being the victim I would be Vulcan and not Human. Someone pointed that out to me yesterday in non-Star Trek terms, and she was correct. I have to go through this stage before I can hold myself to “my standards.” This is something I have never experienced before, and it’s the worst of the worst. I cannot expect very much grace nor perfection in the process.

And ah, I just realized that quantifying what I am feeling into a process apparently doesn’t sit well with me. Well that is new, and I have to look into it (i.e., into my feelings). I think, too, I’m tired. I am so tired. Erin was sick for 9 months before she died. The gestation period is not lost on me, but I can’t go there yet either. As much as I would like to find the higher perspective in this, apparently I am not ready yet. I want to be ready, and rid of these awful feelings, but I am not.

Speaking of awful feelings, yesterday two friends shared with me their stories of depression – deep depression – and how for years they have felt that way. They described almost to the letter how I am feeling. One has used tools similar to the ones I have used and still gets no relief. Before this experience I might have thought that my friend was doing something wrong, not doing enough, or was just having a pity party. I don’t know that I ever thought about it but those are things I think I might have thought. Now, I think “how have you gotten up each day and functioned? You seem so normal to me on the outside. How awful for you.” Well, I think a lot more than that, because I am finding it hard to believe I can live in this state much longer.

Some people use medication, but that isn’t for me. I almost tried it but decided that medication doesn’t fit on my path. I feel that if I go there, I may never go back. I also believe I would no longer be “me.” But that is just me. And I think I have to admit to myself that I feel I am doomed to suffer. I don’t want to be, but all signs point in that direction.

Right now I am feeling better than yesterday. That can change at a moment’s notice. Grief seems to be like waves, and they overtake me like a hapless boat on the sea.

I must say I have more downs than ups lately. And I have noticed a few things that don’t make me feel much better about anything.

First, I have noticed that when I look into Erin’s room, I now Know (big K) that no one lives in there anymore. Even the items on her walls are no longer “living” to me. I don’t know if that makes sense, but that’s how it feels when I see them.

Second, the pain feels fresher, but her voice and her shape are now distant memories. I don’t like that at all. I feel so far away from her now.

I know that everyone is moving on with their lives. Even those who loved Erin very much are moving on, and I’m sure they think of her less and less. Less than I do anyway. I can’t go five minutes without that heavy feeling in my heart. Even if there is no name put with it, it’s a very dark and heavy feeling. It doesn’t feel good, and it feels worse than “bad” too.

I can’t win for losing either. Shaun and I decided yesterday that we needed to get out and get some fresh air. We went grocery shopping at Earth Fare, and we were hungry too. So we stopped at Chipotle. We ate there once as a family sometime this year, and my picky little eater hated it. But after we sat down, I realized that when Shaun and I had time to go out it was always family time. So even though this place should have been a “safe zone” with no memories, her absence was memory enough. It’s hard to enjoy your food when you are fighting back tears.

Every aisle at Earth Fare is a challenge. She hated being dragged out there but was always with me when I went. Everything I saw was something I would have bought not for me, but for her. Oh, and I can’t even look at the ice cream aisle. I actually turn my head when any ice cream is involved.

My therapist put my structured therapy on hold because I have so much emotion I need to process otherwise. I realized that I feel alone. I know I’m not alone, but there are things going on inside of me that I can’t possibly explain to anyone, and so I DO go through it alone. Writing here helps me because I am able to hash out my insides on paper so to speak. So thank you all for listening.

When I heard back from my former mentor, Jelaila Starr, she said she would be surprised if I wasn’t angry. I did look at that. I guess I am angry, and here’s why:

• My daughter died. She was taken from me.
• I had no control over it. No one asked me. No one gave me a chance to change things, or bargain. I would never have willingly let her go.
• It’s not fair. Even if I did have a soul agreement for this to happen, don’t I also have the right to change my mind? Shouldn’t Erin’s soul have had to ask me again? No one asked me.
• I am in misery. This isn’t something you recover from. This is something that changes you but that leaves a very ugly, deep scar. Is that really what I chose at a soul level? Is that what the All That Is wants for me? Why would this happen to ANYONE? This is a shitty destiny or fate. I forget the word usage at this time.
• I have lived a good, decent life. Many have not. Why would this happen to me? I don’t understand. I am devastated, and I did as much as I could, from the heart, in service to others. I tried to be kind, decent, and compassionate and I taught her to be as well.
• This seems like punishment. It is cruel. I didn’t deserve this.
• I know Erin is OK. I am not OK. NOT OK. Did anyone, dis-incarnate or not, involved in this decision consider ME?
• I did understand what was happening when Erin was still conscious. I did not get to hear her voice and tell her I loved her, in a way I would have liked, because I thought I would talk with her again. I am upset over that. I lost her before she was even dead. I didn’t understand. How could I have missed what was happening?

You can see from my language that I am playing the victim here. And guess what? I can’t help it. I can take responsibility as far as my belief in soul agreements and that her soul is master of her own destiny, but that is as far as I can go. Shouldn’t someone ask us incarnated Earth humans how we feel? I know the answer to that. If we knew we couldn’t control the journey we would never take it. Or if we knew beforehand what it holds for us. Why would we? Who wants this type of pain? Well my belief that the soul never dies is little comfort now. I am a mommy who wants her 10 year old daughter back. Trust me…I’ve been over everything in my head because of my belief that nothing is impossible. Necromancy, cloning, parallel universes, my own death, etc. The answers for all fall in between violating her free will, it wouldn’t be “her,” and I have no assurance upon my own death that she will still be the “10 year old Erin” that I so desperately want to see and live with again. And before you tell me how crazy I sound, you lose your kid and then tell me how you feel. Seriously.

I really am not sure what I would not bargain to get her back again. I might bargain the whole universe away if it was mine to bargain. It really is cruelty to take away the child that you carried, and nursed for 11 months, and never got to see grow up. I am still looking for the key to this door.

The past few days have been utterly terrible for me. It is difficult to start a day when you already feel bad. Emotions do affect how your physical body feels. Think about it…when you are upset, you get a sick stomach or a headache or something. In metaphysics they call it the Emotional Body, and it works in tandem with your Physical Body. They are just layers occupying the same space, and they do interact but they have their own function. Depending on what you are reading, you will also see a Mental Body and possibly some others. I don’t want to get down in the weeds on this – who really knows right? We are talking about things we do not have methods to measure yet.

And I’m just going to throw this in here…solar flares and CME’s. Yes, they affect your physical and emotional bodies. Sometimes when there are a lot of protons, etc. bombarding us people get irritable. For me and a few others I know, it made us feel worse with our sadness. I think those others didn’t have a grief issue, just depression, but they noticed it too. It’s like the difference between an upset stomach and food poisoning. It was very difficult to bear.

Today seems somewhat different. I did wake up in mid-conversation with Erin. I think I was probably seeing her in a dream I did not remember, and I think I was telling her that even though she isn’t here where I can see her that I still love her. Or something. Then the day began. That means, my first thought is “Erin” and my second thought is “Erin is never coming back.” Even though typing that made me actually cry, I think I can also say with a smart ass tone “What a great way to try to start my day, assholes.” I don’t know who the assholes are, but it seems appropriate to add that.

I know that I have felt Erin’s presence. I talk “to” her regularly, and sometimes I get what I am pretty sure is actual communication via some sense or thought in my mind. I want to take a minute to say that I am clairvoyant, clairsentient, whatever the “smell” ability is, and empathic, but when it comes to getting my own answers I fail miserably. I second guess the living crap out of myself and I could have gold in my hand and still ask “Is this real gold?” You get the point. But I have communicated with her, some. I will leave it at that.

One of the things she has told me briefly is that she wants me to teach others. I know what she means, and she doesn’t mean to go out and teach school. I have had a tumultuous life and it would go to waste if I didn’t use what I have learned. If I could paint you a picture of life lessons learned from pain and agony, I would have a masterpiece. Some people have one main event, but I have had many. When I look back over what has “happened” in my life, wow. I really should be on drugs, or a serial killer, or in an asylum, or something. Instead in the late 90’s I stumbled upon training on Emotional Clearing, and I jumped in with both feet. I was already dysfunctional, and well, feeling all of that old pain again and not being so mature made me even more so. I worked on integrity, ethics, all of the character related things. Yet I still could not figure out how to bring balance and have a healthy relationship with Shaun or anyone else close to me. It’s that whole forest for the trees thing. I am pretty stable and healthy emotionally, but I’m not perfect and apparently I am not “done.”

After a lifetime of crap, I just wanted some peace. I had it all to be honest. I had a wonderful daughter, a husband who after 17 years I still love with all of my heart, a new house (finally the size I wanted and in a beautiful neighborhood with wonderful neighbors!), great jobs…I never saw this one coming.

I guess if I can separate my grief and devastation from myself for a minute and look at this as I would if I were counseling someone to clear their painful emotional triggers, I would tell them that this is quite possibly the greatest gift of their lifetime. How is it a gift you say? And how is that consolation? It’s no consolation. It is awful. But you need to find a way to find the lemonade in your basket of lemons. That won’t take away the grief, but it may help you to live with it and not let it all be in vain.

That is what I’m working towards. And I don’t want Erin’s death to be in vain. Whatever the universe has in store for me, if I let her death be in vain then it was all for nothing. And ugh, I may have to repeat something this awful to learn the lesson in this life or another. If you don’t believe in reincarnation just know that I do.

Unfortunately, I am now qualified to understand what someone is going through in their grief and pain. I’m also qualified to understand growing up in a dysfunctional, borderline dangerous, chaotic home. I’m qualified to understand losing your material possessions and rebuilding from that. Those are the big ones. I’ve had a lot of life changes and so I can understand where you’ve been. I can teach you methods to overcome the adversity, the anger and all of those lower emotions, and to find a place of balance and peace. I understand I have compassion due to that understanding. That’s what Erin meant.

I see that value in that, but I’m not quite ready yet to consider it. However, I do put it into practice daily when I see someone in need. Maybe that’s all she meant.

We are all parts of the whole. I feel like I am transmuting grief for the entire planet right now. I know that I’m not the only griever, but if you could feel how my heart chakra reacts to this entire mess you might be surprised. If I could harness the energy, I could power the entire McMullen Cove and maybe the surrounding areas too. It’s huge, and it’s also wearing me out.

I emailed my old mentor yesterday to ask her about grief. I think I mentioned that. She replied and said that she had a hard time believing I wasn’t angry. So I have to really mull that one over. She said that Acceptance is the final outcome of the grief process. Anyway, she had written her latest article on grief and it’s called Each Loss Holds a Blessing. It’s funny because I read it already, but it didn’t resonate until now. Some of the things that she said, are things that I am also feeling. Anyway, it’s a good article on the higher perspective.

As for the higher perspective, that’s all that I have got to focus on. Otherwise none of this will ever make sense. It will be senseless, cruel, and just another part of this shitty world. But knowing we are all parts of the whole, we have to also know that each part affects the other parts, and so I have a place in this event somewhere other than just “grieving mom.” If it was her time to go, there was a reason. I want to make sure that I honor that with my life.

I have definitely digressed a lot here, but I think I emptied the thoughts out of my head. For now anyway.

I am starting this off with a surprise message I found from Erin yesterday. She had apparently gotten into one of my work binders, written what you see in the picture, and I found it yesterday as I was preparing to go to a business meeting. It made me smile. Then I realized that not only do I need to keep the page intact, I need the entire pad. It will never be used again.

She wrote me Meow’s all the time. She called me Meowmy sometimes, too. She and her friends were big “meowers.” It was cute and silly.

Erin’s cat, Buffy, has been treating me strangely over the past several weeks. She finds me at least once or twice during the night, and she makes sure to put her head on top of my arm (sometimes my foot), and she grabs me with her paws. She didn’t do this to me before Erin died. I wonder what she is thinking? Either way it is comforting. I would let the dog back on the bed with us if he wouldn’t ruin the bedspread I got last year. Sometimes I need a big Puppy hug.

I can say that today, so far, I feel OK. That’s all I am willing to concede – OK. However, for the second night in a row I slept with a piece of rose quartz strapped to my chest, and I recharged it in water this morning and put it there again. Yesterday was so awful I am not sure I can go there again and survive. Anyway, I found this nifty site on stones you can use for grieving. Part of it explains rose quartz.

I really wish that I could explain just how and why I am feeling one way one minute, and another the next. I can’t make sense of it myself, so I am sure I cannot communicate it to you. I hope that everyone who knows someone who is grieving will understand that. It’s not that we don’t want to feel better. Trust me – I do not want to feel like this. I know it will be painful to think of Erin always, I just hope it’s less painful. I hope it’s not debilitating. Right now it is crippling. In a language that everyone can understand, my heart is broken. It’s more like shattered. It will refuse, but it will be different than it was before. It will never be “before” and it will never be “the same.”

I have pondered, just how do people endure this sort of loss? Because I have no idea how any normal person would get through this. I don’t consider myself so normal, and I am bewildered. I even emailed the person who trained me to help others with emotional clearing today, to ask her how in the world do you classify and handle grief? I hope to get a thoughtful answer.

Perhaps it’s more like a trauma? I do have flashbacks. Shaun said he does too, and another person I know who is grieving their child said they do as well. I can’t “just not think about it.” It doesn’t ask to be invited in. This is like a home invasion, and the home is my mind and heart.

I will close this one by saying that one of the last things Erin texted me was Meow. She was in her hospital bed in the “regular” room before things got so bad, and she was taking pictures of me sitting across the room in the chair and sending them to me. So I did the same, and as she did many times before she replied “Meow.” I love and cherish those Meows now.