Sep 04

Walking In Someone’s Shoes

10426144_843324959025430_8746160937541769181_nI snagged this image from The Grief Toolbox, who clearly got it from Compassionate Friends, and posted it on FaceBook. When I saw it I thought, UGH, OK I have to address what has been going through my mind for the past hour or so. It’s time for me to do some emotional clearing and find compassion for myself in this one. I have learned a hard lesson here.

By the way, bear with me…I will have to come full circle on this one.

Putting myself in someone else’s position has always been my philosophy. I am an empath, and I feel emotion very deeply. I feel yours too. I have a hard time sometimes because I immediately identify with the emotion in progress from a conversation, a book, the TV, whoever is conveying it really. That can be very draining. In fact, I can’t hardly watch anything with gratuitous violence in it anymore because I can’t emotionally take it.

That said, many years ago I went through an emotional clearing program taught by Jelaila Starr. The basics are, you have triggers (events, people, things that happened) and those triggers stir up a plethora of negative emotions. They affect your daily life because you still respond to those triggers. So you write them down, then go through them one by one and you find a place of balance, or no emotional charge. You do that through finding compassion. Compassion is not the same thing as love. It’s more like understanding and being at peace. It can also mean loving someone enough to let them “take their own medicine.” It is not compassionate to take away another’s pain by “saving them” for instance. (Also, for those of you who may not be into metaphysical subjects, don’t be alarmed. This is a valid tool regardless of what labels you insert into the instructions. You can also Google the words “emotional clearing” and find many resources to use. Pick what is right for you).

After processing all of my “stuff,” I learned that I no longer had to really sit down with things and I process it in almost an instant. That happened over many years. I still miss a thing or two, though, because I am not perfect by any means. Hence this “confession.” I’m coming clean to me, and shrugging off the shame and coming clean to all of you.

It was brought to my attention this morning, by my never-ending stream of thoughts, that in the past when anyone’s child died I approached it from a standpoint of taking responsibility versus understanding. For instance, if your child died due to being unattended in the pool, my first thoughts were 1) how horrible and 2) where were the parents/caregivers. Apply this to any situation – car accident where it was the driver’s (i.e., parent’s) fault, just “insert your example here” basically. Well it hit me this morning. And I was deeply ashamed. I almost emailed a friend with whom I had a short conversation about one family’s tragedy earlier this year and apologized to her for my insensitivity, but then I was so ashamed I thought “Never mind. I understand now, I get it, and I will not make this mistake again.”

Then I saw the darn picture posted on FaceBook. Yeah, the Universe wasn’t having any of my dodging and hiding.

I certainly do not think that Erin died so that I could learn this measly lesson. However, this is one item of value that I now understand. I also understand why I could not find compassion for those families. I could NOT GO THERE, I could not put myself in the place of losing a child. Especially not my child. So I had cut myself off from feeling their pain, because I did not want to feel the fear and pain that might come up within me.

I also blocked this fear and pain out during Erin’s illness. I have wondered over the last few weeks why I didn’t see this coming. Why didn’t I know, in the hospital, where this was headed? Fear of pain is the reason. That, and my positive thinking, but I did ignore the fears. Would I have acted differently if I had not? Maybe. I know if I had not ignored my fears before, I would have perhaps been kinder to families who lost their children, even if just in my heart.

If I were actually using the Formula, this would be the part where I make amends. I am so sorry that I have placed blame instead of feeling compassion for others’ pain. And I release myself from blame as well. I understand that I acted out of fear, and I will have compassion for myself and move forward in a positive way.

And I thank you, Erin, for this bittersweet lesson. I am sure there are many more to come, or at least I hope so. I want to honor your life with my actions and I love you.

 

Sep 04

And, Back…

Boy did I wake up feeling sad today. The ugly feeling is back in my heart and pit of my stomach. I managed to sleep longer, not waking up thinking about how she is gone. But once I got fully awake the feeling hit me. And I am just so, so sad.

I know, or have been told, there is no cure for grief. I understand and believe that. I actually expect to feel differently in a little while, if today is like the other days. It’s just that when you feel that deep sadness, it is so very deep and empty that it is almost too much to bear.

This morning again, I think of all that she missed out on. Space Camp came to mind. Of course, she missed out on the Nature’s Classroom last year because she was in the hospital, but they got her a T-shirt anyway. Erin showed Krista K. that she had missed out on a LOT in the past year, and that she was missing out on some stuff now. I guess maybe her soul had some regrets on that? I didn’t ask – should have. Maybe it was just an acknowledgement of the things I have been thinking about. Shaun said to focus on what she DID get to do, but I guess I am also missing what WE didn’t get to do or share.

She’s missing 5th grade. She wanted to be an assistant in Mrs. Stokes classroom this year. She always went when she had after school or free time back to help her out in her classroom. I know she was hoping to get picked to help, and I bet she would have.

She’s missing art. We had to cancel her last art class at the museum due to her being in the hospital again (May). And she didn’t feel well enough in the hospital to draw anything but Buffy. The support staff did bring her some artsy things do to and she did a few of them before she felt too crummy, but it wasn’t drawing or painting.

She missed a lot of karate, and once again missed her belt test in August. That was the 3rd missed belt test. She was bummed about that and so was I, because she worked so hard and was pretty good at it.

She is going to miss the season premiere of Gravity Falls! I have to think that she continually reminds me of this, because I think about it nearly daily. She loved Mabel, and especially the Mabel short’s they put on as commercials. Her favorite was Mabel’s Guide to Art, but she liked all of them really. She really loved her cartoons, and I miss seeing them. Yeah, I know, I could watch them alone but I would just think of her. SpongeBob is a great example – I watched that before I was even pregnant, and she loved it so, I don’t think I can watch it now. But maybe I will start with Gravity Falls, since it seems that she wants me to remember that one.

I was asked in therapy yesterday to write out the story of her illness. I didn’t tell the therapist that I had already started, and had to stop when it got too painful. But since I have to complete that now, I will get the other site, which I am calling Erin’s Story, up soon and move the Erin talk over there. And most of the grief talk too.

On another note, I’m pleased to hear that some of you are enjoying my journey. I have always learned through interaction with others, and that is a primary reason why I have always written. I figure maybe one sentence will help someone else, and so then it’s worth the effort. Plus, working things out on paper always helps me.

Love to you all today.

Sep 03

Moving Into the New

Erin_ButterfliesI suppose that I am moving into the new energy of this month, the upcoming full moon of 9/9, and of Me. This morning my grief therapist told me that I was taking all of the right steps to move forward and she commended me for that. I forget her exact words, but I guess I was a little surprised that I was “doing it right” because I have no idea what I am doing except for surviving! I also had a session with Lisa Gawlas, who told me that she saw me with my heart and soul energy leading the way, and also saw me on nice, fresh, soft green grass barefoot after the full moon (i.e., landing softly and safely). My mind says to that, Well I better after all of this crap! So you see, I am also getting my sense of humor back somewhat.

Yesterday evening I traveled to Nashville to see Krista Kaine. First, let me say that if you even think you believe in mediums, you need to make an appointment with her. She is the real deal. She is a medium and psychic, and those do not go hand in hand. She does actually connect with the deceased, and I know this because I basically spent an hour with Erin yesterday. Had I not been convinced, near the end of our session she said she had a message to give me, and she said she had to get up and give it to me like Erin was asking. And she got up, and she gave a very good impression of Erin’s voice modulation and more importantly, her arms and hands waving as she said “Mommy, Angels are real and they are EVERYWHERE! They’re everywhere!” She had no way to know how Erin would become animated, and many of you may not have known because she had to be very comfortable with you to do so (she was otherwise very shy). If Angie S. or Melissa H. are reading this, they will know. Their daughters know. And I know.

I didn’t ask any questions, although I wished I had on the drive home. But she literally talked with stuff from Erin for an hour and at the time I really didn’t have any questions. I had not prepared any, because I just wanted the connection with her and that was all. I asked her to connect, and to make sure I was certain it was her. And she did, and it was. It was very comforting just to know the conduit is open.

ButterflyNecklaceShe asked Krista to give me her necklace, which was a butterfly. Krista asked me if she liked butterflies because she kept showing them to her, over and over. She even asked me to make sure to plant things that attracted them. At the time, all that I could come up with were a few butterfly pictures she painted, two hanging from her ceiling (which she referenced by their glitter), and that she indeed liked butterflies. But afterwards it dawned on me that Erin had “made” her name above her closet door just this past spring with some butterfly stickers she had asked for at Christmas. Also, I recovered her vanity seat with a pretty butterfly fabric. She has them everywhere in her room actually!

Anyway, I learned this morning that some of my struggle during the time that Erin was sick, stemmed from my childhood and growing up with a parent who drank often and heavily. Well, I knew where my “control” issues came from, but not that other children of alcoholics struggle with the same things. The point is, what the mind and ego thinks it can do, it spends a lot of energy on. And that results in stress, and confrontation, and lots of other things. Well I am pretty sure that I blew it all out during Erin’s illness and death (it feels like my “baggage” was incinerated!), but I honestly do not want to revisit this shit again during my lifetime or any other lifetime. Forget that! So I added extra sessions to work through some of that. Who knows…I am stubborn and like to do things myself but I am willing to let someone help me this time.

Lisa Gawlas wants me to learn to meditate. Well that is the second time someone has told me that in the past week, so I guess it is a hint. But not the traditional meditation – she calls it co-creative meditation. Sounded like something I can do, so I’ll give it a try. I added the link above in case anyone else is interested. She’s a neat person, and so sweet. I am really blessed that I was guided to such sweet, gentle people to help me through this.

On that note, I am really blessed to have such sweet, gentle friends and family too. I have thought of so many of you that I want to thank personally. Unfortunately it’s usually in the car, or in the bed, and it never makes it to my fingers to type or write. But I can tell you that if you have written me even one word, called me, texted, or sent me mail or food, I appreciate it very much and I love you for it. I can speak for Shaun and say he does too because I’ve heard him say it.

You may notice a tone change in my “voice” here and yes, I feel it too. Yesterday on the way to Nashville, I caught myself singing and listening to the radio. I haven’t done either of those since Erin died. We sort of shared music. I would play all of the stuff I loved from my childhood, etc. and she loved some of them too. Have you seen Guardians of the Galaxy? Star Lord said that his mother made him a tape of songs she loved from her childhood, and he loved them too. Had a cassette tape deck rigged into his damn starship LOL. That touched me because that’s what I did with Erin. And so it’s been painful to listen, and I wondered if I could ever enjoy music again. I did yesterday, and I’m so glad that I was able to. I have actually heard a few songs that she would have loved for me to play at her service. She loved Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire” for instance. I had forgotten, because it had been awhile since she listened to it. She also loved “Love Shack” by the B-52’s. I heard “Roam” yesterday and realized I had never played that one for her. Too bad. I think she would have liked it.

Erin is aware that I am celebrating her here, and she liked the idea. For us energy workers, September is a huge transition month into October, which is all “new” energy. Thank you for continuing to help me through my transition and let’s keep our focus on moving forward as much as we can.

Sep 02

The Why’s

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I wasn’t sure what I was going to write about today. I did not want to write about my tale of woe. I am tired of hearing it, but do understand that sometimes I am going to need to get it out. But I’m tired of hearing it. I have been sharing less of it with others. It may still come out in my tone, or my topic of conversation. Understand that I will be eternally sad about Erin’s passing, no matter if I were told by someone with authority that she died to save our planet. That’s just an example – there will never be any consolation.

But that said, I was chatting with someone this morning via FB that had a very serious issue with her brain, and she should have died, but she lived and is completely normal. She made a full recovery. She is one of those miracles. And I am glad she did, because while I knew her before, I didn’t *know* her, and now I do. And I am very pleased to know her.

One of the questions that I have been dealing with internally, is why. Perhaps they are statements too. As I began to feel better, I returned to what I know. (I say this with a disclaimer – what I know today, I may have a better understanding of tomorrow. I may also see how wrong I was and discard it entirely.) So what I have come to understand is that each Spirit (your personality here), each Soul (your “big” self), makes the decision to stay or go in a life and death situation. You see miracles all the time, and by that what I mean is someone who should be dead (bullet to the brain for instance) or who actually did die, and yet here they are. Sometimes they are disabled and sometimes they make a full recovery. But sometimes they choose to die and leave this place for whatever is next on their journey. I’m sure that you, readers, have already formulated several ideas in your mind based on your personal beliefs.

Well, I have asked myself – asked HER – why on several occasions. I begged her while she was unconscious to stay. I told her that whatever she needed, we would make changes to accommodate. I told her that I needed her, and that Puppy and Buffy needed her, and Daddy needed her. And her friends. And I knew that she could wake up if she wanted to. But her Soul chose to go. And that makes me wonder – why? Was I a bad Mommy? Was her life miserable? Did she think that after such a horrible illness, that she would have a horrible recovery or that we couldn’t deal with it? Did I not spend enough time at her bedside? Was it because I couldn’t hug and hold her? (Too many tubes and needles – but that broke my heart.) Did she not feel loved?

Or did she have something really pressing or important to do “on the other side?” That would be some small consolation. Perhaps my biggest fear is that this was my lesson and not hers. What could I have possibly done in another lifetime that would warrant this sort of pain? And why couldn’t I avoid it in this life by learning something sooner?

I know that I have control issues. They stem from childhood. I understand them, but I do still have a need to control my environment. I could not control anything about Erin’s illness, but my strong mind thought maybe it could drive things towards a resolution and healing. In the end I knew it was out of my control. I believe that I have learned that lesson, and I sure hope that wasn’t the reason she made a choice to leave.

My questions of Why, they are really 3D, and by that I mean ego-centric, mundane, not every enlightened. But hopefully these will lead to a more enlightened approach. The emotion of grief is so dense and dark, that you have to work through it in order to get to anything lighter. I am already soul-searching, trying to find meaning in this thing that happened. I will never get over it, but if I cannot move on then I have definitely failed the test.

Peace and blessings to you today. I hope that all of us find healing where and when we need it.

Sep 01

Unchanged, Mostly

I managed to make it through yesterday and today, thanks to one of my cousins coming to visit me and keeping me occupied. That was nice, and it mostly kept my mind off of the elephant in the room.

I have noticed that today I’ve developed a tremor in my right hand. Not only is it jumpy, I am having trouble completely controlling it. My guess is nerves and stress.

About the time they left today, I knew I was becoming very depressed. I *should* have passed this “stage” but I am still in disbelief. Is she really gone? Knowing the answer is devastating, again. I seem to have images of her last days in ICU that flood my mind. I am conflicted between not wanting to forget, and not wanting to remember. I would like to do both, but obviously neither is completely possible even alone.

I swear I can see Erin in every room when I walk into it. I see how she stood, held her body, her hair, etc. I found some of her teeth in my drawer, and the Tooth Fairy money that I had put back for when she lost the last two that were loose. Maybe you will laugh – I thought of the fact that since I have her DNA, I could clone her. I guess that is the “bargaining” phase. I know, even if I did clone her it wouldn’t be “her” but you know, I would feel somewhat better. Next time you grieve someone you love, tell me you don’t have the same thoughts.

At least I did finally dream of her last night. She was a little younger, and I don’t remember the whole idea but it had something to do with getting some healing food. It wasn’t actually food, but some engineered substance that had a strange “number type” name. But it was highly prized, and many were in line for it. I remember giving it to her. She didn’t speak. I have been visited by the dead before in dreams and honestly, they usually don’t speak. Not sure why but I hope she breaks the cycle with me and speaks. I lucid dream and know these are real experiences. It’s hard to explain if you have never experienced that but I encourage you to read about lucid dreaming if you never have read about it.

I am sad today and just wanted to share my thoughts, but my darn right hand is bothering me a bit and so I’m going to go back to reading. I have some reading homework from the grief therapist from a book called “The Grief Recovery Handbook” by John W. James and Russell Friedman. They are founders of The Grief Recovery Institute, and the therapist is certified in their program. I have put it off, but hopefully it will be helpful.

Enjoy these pictures of Erin in the meantime, all taken at the Stafford’s house on 8/19/2011. It was the morning after my 40th birthday, and Erin had spent the night with Anna Kate because I got taken out to Lee Ann’s for my birthday. They look like they were having a bundle of fun.

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Erin, Mommy loves you <3

Aug 31

Slow Path Forward

The good news is that something changed for me on Thursday of last week. I may have mentioned it. It is like the sadness and grief took on another tone, one perhaps more tolerable. I say that almost not believing it, because it isn’t any constant relief, but it is at least different. I have taken refuge in some research on various topics, and also on constantly refreshing FaceBook. Yes, I know that’s not healthy, but it keeps my mind occupied.

Last night I decided to go ahead and create a sub-domain off of this site for Erin specifically. It was also keeping me occupied, but as I wrote her complete history, and I got to the few weeks before she died, I had to stop. It was too depressing. I felt I was reliving that and I couldn’t do it yesterday. I hope to get some actual content up before I release the URL but when I am up to it, I will do so.

I have realized that this is all completely unreal to me. I still cannot believe she is gone. Maybe, I believe it less now. And while that doesn’t make any sense it seems to be what my brain is doing to make sense of things.

A nice lady that Shaun works with offered to make a memory quilt out of Erin’s t-shirts. I think I might like this as a way to see and save her things. But there is a part of me that knows that once they are “cut up” they can’t be worn. That’s a little final for me right now (as if death isn’t final enough). Well I will take it one day at a time.

Several of you have sent me pictures and even videos of Erin. If you have them and haven’t sent them, please do. If you need to do it via the internet I will set up an FTP account for you to transfer to. I find myself seeking out seeing and hearing her a few times a day now. It makes me smile until it makes me cry.

I love you all and thank you for your support. I may not get any Erin content up later today, since my cousin is coming to visit for the night. So I will leave you with a few pictures, and a video link.

Click here for Erin giving a tour of her playroom, etc. in our old house. This is the one I mention I yell at her near the end. I hate to hear that now 🙁 But she wasn’t supposed to be on my phone and had picked it up anyway.

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This is her “Fairy Garden.” It is supposed to be a fake rock, and used to be gray, but this year she wanted to paint it green so we did. She always had me get petunias for it. Truthfully they did not grow well – ever. But when Shaun and I came back from Birmingham this and a small flower bed near it had blossomed. It is so amazing, I wonder if the fairies didn’t do it for Erin <3

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A bit faded, but Erin painted this birdhouse about 3-4 years ago. It has sat outside and since I don’t want it to fade anymore I brought it in now. Notice the little birdy she drew on the front of it. She was so sweet and artistic.

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And finally, Erin and Daddy on 3/21/2014 at an activity at Children’s Hospital. She was in for her PICC line. You can see how good she looks then and how happy she was.

Love and hugs,
Nicole

Aug 30

Musings Today

I am not sure why but as the day progresses, I notice I get deeply depressed. Maybe it is because in the course of a day, near the end of it is when a family sits down together. For dinner, to watch television, or play games, or whatever. My body, mind, and spirit knows at that time of day that someone dear is missing. I started out yesterday evening feeling better, after my massage and reiki. Lori Pence with The Healing Arts Center did relieve me of some of the chaos in my body and spirit, and so I felt well enough to go to dinner with Shaun. Not far into dinner, I got depressed. The last time Erin and I were at Bridge Street, she asked to eat at PF Changs and I told her, Daddy will get his feelings hurt if we eat here without him. I knew he was home waiting on us to eat. I wish, now, that she and I had eaten there together.

There are going to be a ton of missed opportunities that I remember and I know this, but it doesn’t make them any easier. I have started going into her room at night, and touching her place on the bed and telling her goodnight. I tell her how much I love and miss her, then I cry and go to bed. I assume this is normal, but that doesn’t make me feel any better about her absence.

The reiki lady told me that my throat chakra was blocked and to talk and journal, so here I am. I had contemplated stopping to be honest. She also told me that my heart was broken. I guess I knew that, but I hadn’t put it in those specific terms yet.

I wasn’t too sad to get out of bed this morning, but I was still sad. I AM still sad. In fact, I cry as I write this.

I’m really not sure why I am writing this any longer, but maybe it will help someone to understand what someone they know who is grieving a child is going through. Maybe it will make someone else grieving a child know they are not alone. Maybe it just helps some random person with compassion and understanding. Maybe it helps me.

Oh, perhaps I left out something important. Yesterday Shaun picked Erin up from the funeral home. I have a hard time saying “her remains.” But that is what it is. They gave me a small lock of hair as I asked for, and her remains. When I saw them, I hugged them and cried. I’m really not sure why, but I did. That’s all I have left, and her memories. I can tell you that no amount of religious or spiritual beliefs can help you through the physical separation from your loved one. Nothing in my extensive background in emotional clearing, and some other studies I have done, can help. It hasn’t helped. My brain understands the logic, but there is no logic in this. The heart does not understand.

I did get a password, finally, to the legacy website that came with her service package. That means that I can set her up a memorial site that is supposed to be there “forever” and I will do that soon. The benefit is the format, which is good for displaying pictures and such. I may mirror some of that here, and will probably just set up a sub-domain for myself here anyway specific to Erin. I will post that if/when I get around to it.

I’m back to being rather unmotivated as I work this through. The only thing that I can say with certainty is that this is horrific, agonizing, and I know it will never be over but I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t stand this. I want a solution and there is none. Thanks for listening to me this morning 🙂

Aug 29

Fun Erin Video

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I still don’t know how to embed these things! Anyway, click the link and you will hear Erin and Simone meowing. We were likely on the way back from the movies, or maybe this past year’s Panoply. They always had a great time in the car, and sometimes sang the “Shine Bright Like a Diamond” song but inserted their own words for Diamond (like Buffy, or Oliver).

Here is another one two days after her first set of surgeries on her back, taken 2/22 in Birmingham, with my Uncle Joel. She was so nice to him and she was helping him walk my cousin’s dogs. Hope it comes through – haven’t posted many on Youtube, but it’s too big to upload here:

Erin and Uncle Joel

Will work on trying to embed. It’s been awhile, and I’m out of practice.

Aug 29

Crying for Others, Too

This morning I woke to look at FaceBook, and found that a friend and former co-worker’s son had died last night. He wasn’t a “little kid” but her son nonetheless, and I am very sorry for her. She came to Erin’s service and I immediately panicked, because I am not sure I can come to her son’s. I am very raw. Like a piece of meat still on a living bone is the best way I can describe it. Many things, seemingly unrelated, upset me.

Then I read a FB friend’s post about her friend, who had lost his son to cancer last night. I clicked on his profile to see a young boy close to Erin’s age. Now that broke my heart and it brought tears again this morning. There is no reason why we should have to suffer these things. The children who are gone, they are ok. Their spirits are not suffering and are following their plans – I won’t tell you what that is because I believe it is unique to each soul, and you may have your own beliefs you include. But WE are suffering. My personal belief is that we can communicate with other realms such as the space spirits go after they pass on, etc. And even if I add on to this, that one day I will release this body and go back to my spirit self, I will still never see Erin again in the physical world. And who is to say that I will see her in the non-physical? I have no idea. It makes me sad. And I am sad for the other parents who will no longer get to hug their children or see them smile.

On that note, and since I have a terrible sinus headache this morning, I will try to switch gears and tell you that I found and saw a grief counselor yesterday. For anyone who needs one, Alissa Lapidus with Empower Behavioral Health is a specialist in grief counseling. In fact, she was the only one I could find with a certification in some grief therapy that I can no longer remember the name of, and she just happened to have an opening yesterday afternoon. After about 30 minutes or so of crying, and telling her my tale of woe, she did a guided meditation with me. She told me that my body needed oxygen to it after being so stressed and constricted, and that it would also help me feel better. It did, but I have to tell you that near the end of it she touched me on the foot for a few minutes. I never asked her about it, and she didn’t mention it, but I think she did some type of energy work on me at that time because I did feel better Inexplicably better actually. Whatever it was I will take it, because I came home to an empty house (Shaun was watching football), and I was in bed asleep by 8:30. I had a few moments where I was sad and crying during the evening but not too many. I was lonely I admit, but I was so sleepy. And so I slept almost all night.

I also have an appointment with someone she recommended, later today, for a massage and energy work. I hope she can help me to balance some of this energy and grief. I know my chakras are probably very ugly looking (if I could see them). They feel ugly anyway. My heart chakra feels black and charred. I tend to have blockages in my crown chakra, and so the energy settles in my 3rd eye area manifesting as sinus issues. I woke up with liquid in my head this morning, which makes me feel like I am sea sick. And my root chakra, it’s probably just not working because survival isn’t a top priority right now. But my solar plexus, while out of sorts, seems to kick in here and there. I suspect that is my Leo tendencies jump starting that. Anyway, I feel physically crappy and emotionally a tad bit better. I will take any sort of progress that I can get.

And on that note, I am going to see a medium on Tuesday evening. A friend in Nashville just happened to mention it and it felt like I should so I am. While I believe in mediums, and I believe this one to be authentic, I have no expectations. But what I have asked for is some understanding, and some little piece of Erin to speak with me so that I feel better. I hope I get that. On Wednesday at lunch, I have an appointment by phone with Lisa Gawlas. I don’t know what she is supposed to do, but I got a clear message twice to contact her so I did.

I also have a mentor and old friend, June Stephenson, doing work on me from long distance (she is in CA). She is an excellent healer and I am glad to have her helping.

I am doing what I have to do to dig myself out of this. I don’t expect to ever “not grieve” over Erin, but I cannot live my life this way. This is too much to bear. Everyone is different. Shaun is grieving differently than I am. Some people will find solace in their church. Some will start an organization and help others, which I may do at some point. But I realized yesterday, that while I see no end in sight, the same intensity every day for 2 weeks (not to mention the time she was in ICU), was killing me. So I am throwing the kitchen sink at it. Something has to give.

And I will admit, that I contemplated suicide for a very, very short minute. It would be the easy way out, which I never take. Also, I don’t like pain and can’t inflict it on myself. And finally, this is done. Erin is gone, and I can’t bargain for her to be back here. So I can’t waste the rest of this life on an act such as that. That is MY path and I don’t want to denigrate anyone who has ended their lives. I don’t know if it’s easier that I know the reason for my depression, and some people with depression don’t I assume…the point is I don’t know what another person is going through but if they are that miserable then I believe it is their choice. I do hope that they consider those they leave behind. Anyway, I believe that my life has been one of learning and personal growth, and since I believe in past lives I believe that I have been making amends and changing patterns and such during this lifetime in order to not have to repeat it. To throw it away, would be a slap in the face for Erin. I have to go back to my strong belief that we agreed to this lifetime together, and that whether her sacrifice was being born or having to leave so early, it can’t be in vain. By the way, my beliefs evolve with knowledge and understanding. Every day I ask for more clarity.

And now I am crying again, and will end this post with the promise to post more of Erin’s life a little later today.

Aug 28

Barbie Life in the Dreamhouse

One of Erin’s favorite web shows was Barbie: Life in the Dreamhouse. You can find it at: http://www.barbie.com/en-us/videos/life-in-the-dreamhouse

I have to admit that I liked watching this with her. It was completely silly, and they really captured the essence of Barbie and Ken’s personality (what you think it would be). I keep telling you Erin’s memory is everywhere for me – I thought of this from an article I read this morning. I hope it brings you joy.