Mar 30

Running the Bars

Not to the bars, lol, but the bars. I had never heard of Access Bars until recently, but I’ve had it done twice now by a lovely local lady named Melissa Posey and it was phenomenal. Both sessions were different, and timely. I’ve done a lot of emotional clearing in my life, but I came to a point where that wasn’t providing very much value to me. It was sort of like a circular thing where I couldn’t get off the wheel. I knew some door was locked but I couldn’t find the key let alone the door.

The first session, I felt a huge burden lift off of me. I don’t know what it was, but I was just amazed at the feeling and how balanced out I was afterward. The second session was yesterday and it was much different. There was a lot of blocked feeling energy in my head that felt like it was being broken up with a laser. I can’t wait to see what patterns and such are dislodged as a result of yesterday’s session.

I’ve wanted to tell y’all about Melissa Posey for awhile, so go see her for some energy work or massage if you are local to Huntsville. She’s pretty awesome.

Love, blessings, and #missingerin <3

Mar 29

Troubled Times

I am troubled, by lots of things. I hopefully finally became unblocked, but in order to get there I woke up during the night with a very vivid image of my mother in a specific dress that she wore during the 80’s. It is associated with a very bad time in my life for many reasons and with feelings I have towards her that I have not let go of. This is relevant to the rest of what I want to talk about today, so I mention it up front.

I recently posted something on FaceBook by (I think) Trevor Noah, who was explaining the spirit behind the idea of reparations to those of African descent whose ancestors were slaves. I knew that it would stir up some stuff, but it was so nicely explained that I had to post it. I agree with it after all, and I hoped it would reach at least one person.

Unfortunately the same players (they are always the same) bitched and griped about it being about money. I suppose even though I didn’t take the time there to explain this, yes it is about money. BECAUSE MONEY IS A FORM OF ENERGY EXCHANGE. A lot of energy was taken from this group of people on the unseen level and they are still feeling the effects. But from a purely 3D level, our ancestors really fucked these folks. Don’t you feel like maybe you can finally pay the debt left to you?

So that wasn’t what I was getting at but it had to be said. I’ve struggled over the past few days. This handful of people are representative of a lot of people, and on the surface they are nice people. I like or have liked them in the past, had an affinity for them. But their words don’t match what I thought they were on the inside. My role should be to extend them love and kindness regardless, and to provide a better example should they notice it. But there’s a part of me that just wants to say Adios and move on. I’m troubled – what do I do? How violently do I say no, that’s not right and I’m not standing for it? It’s not my role to judge – do I just smile and send love and thus – IN A 3D SENSE – indicate agreement?

I’m walking between worlds here. My entire being has changed so much that I find I cannot live in the true sense of the word in the 3rd dimensional way of things. I can’t understand the lack of kindness, of love, and the greediness or mindset of “MINE – NOT YOURS!” I can’t understand why someone would hate all Muslims, or blacks, or women or whatever. I can’t stand the hypocrites and the assholes. And I don’t know how to continue going about my day to day life feeling bewildered and sad about it. I’ve got enough to be bewildered and sad about.

Which brings me back to my mother. It is clear that I have not let my disdain for who she was go. I wrote last year about seeing her in the in between dimension, and how happy I was to see her. It was her best self, not who she was here. I’m holding her hostage and me too by holding on to the past, but it was real, and it happened, and goddamn it all I wanted was acknowledgement from her that I never got. I experienced all that was my childhood and while this life may be an illusion, it’s a real one that sucks.

I don’t know how to reconcile that with who I am now, who she is. I don’t know how to reconcile the ugly words and attitudes of people that I know with the light, dim as it may be, that I see within them. I don’t know how to lovingly say “Hey, you are an asshole. You need to be nice” and have them receive it (because, you know, they won’t). I don’t even know why I bother, or why I am bothered, because I can’t do a damn thing about how others conduct themselves.

I am troubled for the entire world, and if I’m being honest, for the fact that I’m stuck here and can’t escape it. I’ve got some job to do before I find the key and door out of here and I’m so tired of waiting to be given the details. If it’s being a light in the face of a shit storm, I am trying.

And yes, all of this under the tremendous weight of missing Erin. For anyone who wonders, it is never ending. I wake up thinking of her, face it during my day many times, and go to bed with her as my last thought. Love is the only thing keeping me going, which is why I keep emphasizing it to everyone. I guess maybe that’s my purpose for continuing on. #missingerin

Mar 23

Unstopping the Drain

I am constipated. Really, badly constipated. And I have been for awhile. One day a month or so ago I realized it was because I’m holding everything in. It coincidentally began around the time I stopped writing and started holding everything in.

By holding in, I’m not just talking about my grief and sadness. I mean things I want to share – anything. Either I don’t want to deal with it, or don’t have time to stop and do this. It’s all just stuck up inside of me.

Funny thing is, what does come out comes in little balls, which is appropriate because that’s what I let out. Bite sized bouts of grief, of sharing, of anything. I realize hearing about my lack of poop is TMI but I’m sharing just in case YOU have this problem, and to tell you not to ignore your guidance. I have ignored mine since I received it and it got worse. UGH.

There’s no way that I can share 4-5 months of stuff, and I still feel bottled up but this is a start. I want to begin offering spiritual sharings again. I have a deep desire to be in service to others but still don’t know quite what my niche is. I need a tax break so may get a business license again – that’s a win/win because I can offer some services or products (which I enjoy) and help my bottom line. Who knows where that will lead me.

So…that’s it for now. I had to pull the plug somehow and this is a start. Love and blessings to everyone, and #missingerin <3

Feb 10

Alone

I am fully committed to titling these posts instead of using the Musings tagline that I started awhile back. I mention this because it always amazes me how the titles come to life.

Those of you who are my FB friends know that Puppy died on Friday evening. I had suspected something might be wrong and he has been at the vet twice in the past few months. I’m disappointed in my vet and myself because again, I didn’t trust my gut. I saw him eating dirt, and he had a large tumor on his left leg, but the vet said it was fatty and he was fine. He had started acting strangely last week and so we dropped him off on Friday morning. When they asked if I wanted blood tests, I said not necessarily whatever she thinks she needs to do. Was that clear? I was trying to say “Hey, I’m not the expert, don’t charge me a bunch of money for something he doesn’t need.” I left it as “Find out what’s medically wrong with him.”

When Shaun picked him up he was fine but after he came home, he wasn’t. Not at all in fact. He had labored breathing and by the time I got home he refused food and water and even movement. After he appeared to be having a heart attack or something, something that even upset our cat, we took him to the emergency vet.

After a brief examination, they told us that he was anemic, had a large mass that displaced his intestines, and also had a sac of fluid around his spleen that was 38% red blood cells. His blood had only 26%. In other words he was actively bleeding and likely had cancer. We suspect he ruptured whatever it was getting into the car at the vet, but if he was that bad off, he was already dying.

He was so pitiful, we moved quickly to end his life. There was no point in putting him through a surgery that would probably be unsuccessful. Truthfully it was like having to let go of another piece of Erin.

This is our story. Repeatedly. Sick, can’t find out what’s wrong, find out at the end it’s cancer or something worse and death. It’s not like we aren’t trying to take care of our loved ones or ourselves. The repeated deaths and traumatic circumstances are taking a toll.

So what’s up with the title? Alone – Al(l) One. These are two sides of the same coin and a perfect example of As Above, So Below. I just finished telling an old friend via email last week that I have realized all of this shit is purposeful. I’ve been systematically made to be alone. It has definitely escalated but I’ve had a lifetime of it. Is this a brilliant experiment for me to know – truly know – that we are never alone? All one?

Even Shaun said this isn’t normal. This being all of the death and traumatic death that we have experienced. I know it’s not normal. It’s as if the universe is speaking to us loudly so that we get the point. The problem is that we are so emotionally overwhelmed that I’m afraid we may miss what that point is.

I just asked myself what really is the point? And I came back around to knowing – KNOWING. Yet I would be lying if I said I knew what I’m supposed to be knowing. I don’t. It is lost in the sea of sad feelings and chaos.

I know that Puppy is not suffering, but I am. I can’t pick and choose my emotions. They are present and they are real.

We miss you sweet Puppy. And we miss you Erin <3 #missingerin #missingpuppy

Jan 27

Being Broken

It took everything to just write this sentence. Those of you who know me know that I am never, or rarely, at a loss for words. I have so much bottled up inside that I can’t even begin to express it. There are moments of insight, gratitude, clarity and the need to share that with you so that you can perhaps gain the same. But most of the time it’s just a living hell that I prefer to keep inside. Being broken is exhausting.

Before any of you tell me I am not broken, I am. There are two predominant world views in our world. One is that there is a god figure who exercises his will over everyone incarnate here. The other is that we co-created this journey before we incarnated to learn valuable lessons. I guess you can throw karma into that mix, but either way, this existence is hellish even for the most privileged of us. And it has broken me. Last night, I cried out with my inner voice intuitively that I am in over my head. I was surprised to hear that, but knew it was true. I don’t even know anymore who I am talking to. Or if anyone is listening. It’s as if I’ve been abandoned.

I suppose you can also say it’s darkest before the dawn. Dark night of the soul. Blah blah so on and so forth. My night keeps getting darker. You would think in year 5 that it would be somewhat better but it’s definitely worse. I keep it inside so that you don’t have to make nice about it when you’re really just uncomfortable or bummed. Also, I’m tired of hearing it from myself. I’m so tired of feeling literally the shittiest that I can feel during every waking moment. It’s exhausting.

I’m also at the point that any commitment that I make beyond my daily work life generates a panic attack. It doesn’t matter if it’s something that might be fun. Once I say yes, it then becomes a burden, and since I don’t want to disappoint anyone I perpetually stress over it. I just let go of Noom, which is an app that helps you manage weight loss. It was actually a decent app, but I had to pay for the service, and I was assigned a coach. That was too stressful. I need to just be left alone. I also formally bowed out of being a block captain in my neighborhood. The idea of being required to go to a meeting, or have to plan an activity, was too much. I just can’t.

Work is very busy but I don’t mind the stress. I’m fairly good at my job and enjoy it, and it has nothing to do with family or children or grief so I’m in another world there. Same with playing video games. When I’m doing Destiny 2, I’m not me for the duration. I’m shooting aliens or some asshole guardian in another activity. It’s a pleasant escape. Television has become less of an escape. I honestly cannot deal with the cancer commercials, the Humira commercials (long story), or a lot of the content. I seriously do not need someone else’s sad story, or anything that will generate crying or stress. I have plenty of that.

Why am I telling you this? I have no idea but it’s flowing out like I turned on a faucet so I guess I needed to express it. I keep saying that this is not right. THIS – this grief. No one should have to grieve, to be separated, and I don’t accept that death is part of life and that we have to chase a dangling carrot for eternal life. That’s utter bullshit and while I can’t prove it to you, I’m telling you that this dream we live is some sort of prison. It’s a prison that we are supposed to figure out how to make the best of. But why? I have no idea, but I keep expecting to find the key to the elusive doorway or perhaps the off button. And I fully expect to wake up to a room full of loved ones who ask what took me so long.

But the time is killing me, both literally and figuratively. It’s been something like 1600 days since I’ve seen Erin or heard her voice. No, I do not watch the few videos that I have of her, and I don’t look at pictures (very rarely). It’s too painful and there is no way that you would be able to understand that. I cried so much the first two years that my tears burned my eyes. I found out that’s a real medical thing and met another poor lady who had the same issue. They still burn on occasion. Who knew I could cry daily for this long? Again, it’s exhausting.

I’ve been wondering what I could do here to get back to teaching, to writing articles on metaphysical topics, to contributing positively to other lives. I have no idea though. I heard someone on YouTube say yesterday to focus on the things you can do something about and positively contribute to. Otherwise let it go. I can’t even positively contribute to grieving people unless it’s by telling the truth. The truth is, you will never feel better. You will never stop grieving. It’s a living hell, and you learn to live with it somehow. The best you can hope for is to be able to add value to someone else’s life because yours is over.

It’s not that I don’t feel joy, or laugh. I do, but even then my next thought is who isn’t there to share it with me. I am sure I’m boring you, I’ve said these things before. The only difference is that I’m not crying this time as I write them. I’m becoming a master at stuffing it and that’s not healthy but it’s survival.

And just like that, the flow is over. I started Blue Star Services (the former name) so many years ago for a reason and it was to provide services to others. Service to Others. And I haven’t forgotten that. In fact, it’s been on my mind lately. Maybe that means that I will get back to business (pun intended) soon.

Peace, blessings, and please be kind to others <3 And #missingerin <3

Nov 25

Gratitude

You have to look really close, and maybe you still won’t see it, but there is a message in that “box” of sorts in the middle. I was in the shower on Wednesday morning and finished up. As I grabbed my towel, I had one of those 2 second lightening rounds of thoughts. The “box” has as clear as day, the letters EA inside of it. The E was clear but the A was crystal clear. EA? EA games? Other things I can’t remember. Then ah, Erin Alyssa.

I go through ebbs and flows, and I’ve really been in an ebb. It hurts. Still. And no, I’m not going to get over it. But she showed up right on time and gave me a message. She is still with us.

I am deeply grateful for this message and the others I receive. I saw her many times in dream state during the season of Samhain, or what we modern folks call Halloween. In one of those instances I know I wasn’t supposed to be wherever it was because she was surprised. I felt her coming up behind me and turned to greet her. She said how did you know? I told her I will always know. She was surprised I was even there. I had found my way to wherever she is and I wasn’t supposed to be there yet.

As I look around this year at the seemingly happy families, I realize that they have no idea what they have. I know this because I did not. They are thankful, but perhaps only for generic things. Family, food on their plates, insert your go-to here.

So I’m going to challenge you all to dive deeper. If you have to, imagine in full living color what it’s like to lose those that you love. And then feel the gratitude when you realize that it was all just your imagination. Use the experience to change your life and by doing so, changing the lives of others. In a world where we have become very unkind as a species in general, softening yourself to love and kindness has reverberations all over the world.

If you need help getting there, I recommend Matt Kahn. He thinks Love is the only answer, and so do I.

Love, blessings, and #missingerin <3

Oct 08

The Age of Change

Greetings. You may have noticed I am back to actual blog titles and I can’t tell you why, only that it is time.

I also am back to providing a title without knowing exactly what I am going to write. The titles come to me and voila, then so do the words. It may or may not be what I think I’m going to write when I got the initial urge.

I have a terrible case of “What’s the use” lately. No matter how much I personally grow or change, I seem to see the same old same old reflected back at me. The world is more chaotic than it was yesterday, less kind, and is continuing to be governed by old white men. I mean the last one as a cliche. I’m married to a white man whom I love very much and who doesn’t fall into the cliche category at all other than via gender and skin color. I think you know what I mean though.

Some of you know that I follow Magenta Pixie and the 9 that she channels and I resonate with them very much. But if the chaos of the whole Kavanaugh thing wasn’t enough, the 9 decided to tell us that he holds Excalibur and the energy of truth. For whatever reason, that threw me into several days of despair. It didn’t help that when I asked a question on her FB thread, some man hijacked me emotionally by preaching to me about abortion. He was pushing his agenda on me…my question didn’t mention that at all nor was my intended question about it.

Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t about Magenta Pixie or the 9 or even that man (who I’m still a little cross with because I still feel emotionally hijacked). Well maybe it is about that man somewhat. I felt completely unheard and unvalued. He took a very generalized question and projected his issue on me, and continued to do so over 3 replies. I’m still left feeling incomplete and WTF. And even so, he’s not a woman nor has he been pregnant in this lifetime. So he is really not qualified to comment.

And now I remember why I wanted to write to begin with. We have got to change this conversation that we are having. You know the one we don’t even know we are having? The one where we hold females accountable for the way we look, speak, feel, and how our very existence affects others but how we don’t hold males accountable for the same? I have nothing against men…this is about equality. Equity and balance. And yes, truth and justice.

For example, maybe if this man was so damn upset about abortion he could get out and preach to mankind about wearing condoms, talking to them about their sperm, vasectomies, or even taking care of children that they seeded that the mothers don’t want. But nope, it’s all on the females. Don’t get pregnant. Don’t sleep around. Don’t entice men by wearing that. If you have this baby YOU are responsible for it. Blah blah blah. This is a story that has been told for thousands of years. Oh, and don’t forget how dirty we are for even wanting or thinking about sex.

And we don’t just get it from men. We get it from other women. I learned early on to never talk about sex and that anyone who was having it was a dirty slut. Yep…to this day I catch myself denying sex in public. As if anyone would believe I’ve had it the one time I had a child. The programming is strong.

Men who have sex and are open about it? You dog! (said playfully)

I really don’t know how I got on sex here but it’s a similar story for women on other subjects. You mad today? Must be that time of the month, you bitch. Upset because your dog died? Emotionally unstable. Fucking fed up? Irrational, emotionally unstable, unfit. The list goes on.

I can tell you that I’m fucking fed up. Fucking. See how I merged unstable emotions and sex? Oh yeah, and ladies don’t curse. Fuck you she said.

If you are still reading, thanks. I needed to get that out. But I also wanted to tell you to keep an open mind. Things are bleak, ladies and gentlemen, but we are witnessing great change I hope. I drew a card when I was a little despondent about that Kavanaugh fellow and it was the Home card from the Wildwood deck. Although I can’t see it right now, his confirmation is a milestone on my journey home. I can live with this madness a little while longer.

Love, blessings, and #missingerin (so much that it ruins most days)

 

Sep 30

Communication, and Lack Of

The last time I posted I was somewhat confused. A lot has happened since then both inside and out, and I’m having a period of clarity.

This journey started many years ago, and then I was fearless. I may not have been mature, or clear, but I was fearless. I learned to harness my intuitive skills, started looking within, and that’s when things changed. I was a technical writer in what should have been the best opportunity to date in my career, yet I was experiencing not only the feeling that I was in over my head, but also scathing verbal encounters with colleagues. By scathing, I mean unsolicited criticism. Not a huge boost for confidence! I was also doing intuitive readings for people and had a moderately good clientele going, but then I began second guessing myself to the point that not only did business dry up, I secretly hated being asked to “perform.”

Do you ever wonder why you don’t see the breadcrumb trail until way late in the game? I do, but it’s my experience that it’s normal. I wouldn’t mind it if revelations didn’t take 20 years, though.

I never did want to be a tech writer again, although I did continue to write articles for awhile. It was just so hard to put out a clear train of thought. I would see friends asking what i was up to and couldn’t even coherently tell them that. I’m just illustrating how deep this went and some of you may recognize the pattern in your own life. I wasn’t even able to articulate my feelings to my own daughter or husband. I would get bound up in minutia, or never say it at all.

Other things over the years should have tipped me off. An ex boyfriend who told me that no one wanted to hear what I had to say, that it was all stupid. Feeling like I was never heard or understood. Didn’t know how to speak up to get my needs met other than yelling. Frequent scratchy and sore throat after speaking a lot, causing my voice to not come through clearly. Being afraid that my spiritual path will negatively affect my career. These are classic throat chakra issues, and mine was not in great shape for some reason.

Whether you are spiritually aware or not, you have to consider both body and mind. Mentally I understood on some level (at times) what was going on, but I have stuff embedded in my subconscious that I can’t seem to shake. I don’t “buy into” most of it anymore, but yet when I have to speak up at work I get a scratchy throat and feel unheard unless I’m being a raging bitch. I don’t like the look and feel of my nice emails, or my forceful ones. It keeps me in a perpetual WTF state of being.

I didn’t even want to write here today. What value am I bringing? Am I just complaining? Who is reading? UGH!

Oh, and my friend that disagreed with me…we can disagree. Why did it bother me? Why was I afraid to say that our pathways had diverged some time ago? I don’t even believe it was a goodbye. I think we will converge again soon.

Now that I can see the origin point (from this life at least), or close to it, I hope I am on the track to resolution.  More to come when I figure it out.

By the way, we raised around $10K in this year’s Go for the Gold. Thank you to everyone who supported and donated. Financial support is little consolation when your child has a serious illness, but at the same time it means more than you can imagine to the families. <3

Sep 08

Go for the Gold 2018 on September 15

Please consider supporting families with children battling childhood cancer at this year’s Go for the Gold Run/Walk road and trail race. This is the 2nd annual race and we are pleased that it continues to honor Erin, as well as Sam Harmon.

You can register for the race here (registration includes a Tshirt).

You can buy Tshirts here (featuring a drawing of Erin and Sam).

You can join the FaceBook event page here.

And we have created a regular FaceBook page that you can join and follow year to year here.

Love and hugs, and #missingerin <3

Sep 03

Musings for 9/3/2018

I just read a post somewhere unnamed, that may have been directed at me, regardless being preoccupied with life and coming and posting only ever 30 days or so. It stung. It’s true that I am preoccupied and that I am not present for anyone or anything except that which directly affects my day to day existence. I think about posting here often. I think about that other forum often. I think about friends and family often. What I don’t do is interact.

I think what bothered me is the same thing that bothers me about the world. Folks just don’t know what someone else is going through and what drives their actions. It is physically painful for me to interact some days, and then when I do reach out, I get negative feedback even if indirectly. (See how writing helps? I’ve got insight now.)

This isn’t about the person writing. It’s about me putting energy into other people’s reactions when I’m doing the best that they can and I’m doing the best that I can. It’s about me putting too much into what someone else thinks about my thoughts, feelings, and ideas (even if I do deeply care about the person, it’s too much energy). The interesting thing is that I already went through this thought process about Shaun a few days ago (no he doesn’t know – this is inner work).

Remember I share to help me and to help you. See how this process works? You become aware of patterns. “This always happens – why?” Then you examine your thoughts and feelings. And reactions if you have already reacted. Perhaps your actions if you set it in motion. Now that I’ve done that, I need to figure out how to break this pattern.

My first inclination was to do an about face and try to regain the favor of the person who wrote the forum post. Assuming I’ve lost the favor – well my body and mind are AFRAID that I’ve lost their favor. My heart is telling me there is another way, but right now it’s losing the argument. But I’ve about faced my entire life right? Where did it get me other than additional same experiences? That’s where it got me. Doing the same thing over and over and getting the same results is normal. That’s why you look for a different way – a better way.

So instead, I wrote a very short reply to the first post I had made clarifying my original intent. I had to keep it short…I spoke from the heart and didn’t need to defend myself. But still I want to. When I figure this odyssey out I will let everyone know the golden nuggets from the other side.

What have I wanted to tell you though recently? I’ve wanted to tell you to please come and support Go for the Gold in honor of Erin and Sam Harmon. I’ve wanted to tell you – even though you’ve heard it for 4 years now – how much goddamn pain I’m in every single day. I’ve been holding that in but it has to come out some time, so I cry on the way home from work instead. And in the bathroom. And anytime otherwise that I’m alone.

I’ve wanted to tell you about some wonderful spiritual paths and books that I’ve managed to come across that have brought me fulfillment and peace. Some degree of peace anyway. It’s a journey, and it’s work to get there. That’s for you too…no quick fixes, no saviors. We are here to find a way to save ourselves. Even if you are a religious person this is true. Jesus taught folks how to fish and his life was a teachable moment. The example was left to us and the pathway is through unconditional love. Easier said than done though. <3

I’m still missing Erin. I’m not getting over it and I’m not moving on with my life. I just carry it the best way that I know how daily and that’s all that I can do.

Blessings and love to you <3

#missingerin