I still struggle to share and write, and realize that I am doing as much turning away as I am leaning in. Aren’t we all just struggling to survive most days? I guess that’s the glass half empty viewpoint. I could also say how much wonderfulness there is in the world. It’s always a double-edged sword.

After I wrote the last time I’ve done some pondering and gotten several opinions from friends on a spiritual path about my current tale of woe. The signs are clear – I just didn’t want to accept them. Our foundations are not yet ready (to build upon).

They started out damp, as if they were not yet firm enough to begin. Of course we pushed…I’m on a schedule here right? Wrong. The universe works in its own time. Our driveway (that saga continues) was apparently treated with an accelerator which caused it to crack because it hardened too soon and could not let that moisture out. I suppose this is a clue of what not to do right?

In “real life,” had we been more flexible it would have resulted in certain continued upheaval and definitely more money (storage for furniture, moving it twice, rent, etc.).  The real life result is that it resulted in continued upheaval and more money spent to fix the problems. Don’t you love the irony?

I do love irony, but it sucks when I’m the one it bites in the ass. On a more positive note, I understand where things are going and don’t feel so out of control.

Many of you might remember, but in two days it’s the 4th anniversary of when Erin’s body died. That horrible saga started months before, and the most horrible period started in mid-July. It basically ruins July and August of every stinking year, and Shaun and I both buckle under the stress. I know that how we navigate through the next few days and few weeks even will help us to lay down a new foundation.

I say this a lot, but I share in part to process my own stuff, and in part in hopes that my experiences will help someone else. It’s hard, damn hard, to see your own shit when you are in the middle of it. This stuff (foundations, etc.) is textbook and yet I couldn’t or wouldn’t see it. I really didn’t break out of being stuck until someone told me last week that this is my chance to lay new foundations and build a “house” that is perfect for me.

Please remember Erin this week by opening your heart to kindness towards others. That includes all living things. Your story is not anyone else’s story and so you can’t possibly understand their situation. You can be kind and maybe change their life.

#missingerin and many blessings <3

I know, it’s been a long time since I’ve written. I became very depressed after I moved. I may have said that last time. And then I felt like all I was doing was whining, so everything I wanted to share, I just didn’t.

There is a value in not spewing your story constantly. It keeps you wrapped up in it, reinforcing it, but it can also be healing to speak it. I guess somewhere along the line I felt like I had crossed over to the negative side of things and had to take a break.

It hasn’t been smooth sailing since I moved. I thought it would. Why would I think that? I don’t know honestly. I thought when we hit 2014 it would be smooth sailing, and it was the worst year of my life. This is my bad time of year by the way. I just reposted a picture from Erin’s last hospital visit, 4 years ago. We had no idea. It was supposed to be the visit that they figured out what was wrong with her and fixed it. We had done 6+ months of discovery with no answers. We still don’t really have any, as even the autopsy was inconclusive.

I know I just went to a place you don’t want to go, but while writing I was illuminated as to why. I knew the moment I saw the lump on her collarbone it was lymphoma. Then I let multiple doctors and my own fear of hearing it tell me otherwise. Even the autopsy said it was there but wasn’t really clear as to whether she had it all along, which type – just not clear. But I knew all along. I dismissed my gut. Use my mistake as your shield of knowledge.

So when I moved, I was so upset the last time I was in that house it was unbelievable even to me. It was such a depressing thing to be there after having been out of it for nearly 2 weeks. I had to get the hell out. I haven’t been back even though I live on the other side of the neighborhood. I miss Erin’s River Birch tree and her Oak tree that we grew from an acorn, but I miss nothing else. It was the worst years of my life, and it was supposed to be a new start. I forced it too…I drove that house, the move, the keeping family together thing, and none of it panned out. A lesson to go with the flow I guess, and your gut.

We moved in and almost immediately our driveway began cracking. Lots of cracks – not normal cracks. Then the wood floors had to be pulled up. We were without floors for over a month. It was awful. I had already been living like I was in a hotel since March when we started selling furniture and such for our move. Now I was there again. The builder still never sent the cabinet folks back to fix the cabinet trim. We had multiple damaged items in the house that didn’t get fixed, but it is honestly too much trouble to bug them about. I’ve already started repainting. The paint was so thinly done you can see through it in spots all over.

Our blinds took 2+ months to arrive. That isn’t normal. The toilets were nearly kid sized (I kid you not!). Ordering new ones was hell. I could tell you the convoluted story but you wouldn’t even believe it. So we cancelled those and ordered the same two somewhere else and finally got them installed. We then went and ordered cabinets for the laundry – been 2 weeks and the person still hasn’t called us to do the final measurement. I know there is something going on here but for the life of me I can’t figure it out. Shoddy work, poor foundations, inability to eliminate and launder? LOL Anyone of you out there who do spiritual interps, please send insight! Even our bed started creaking suddenly when we moved. Do you know how disrupting it is to creak every time you turn over? I think we finally got that fixed.

My bathtub isn’t as inviting. I used to take salt baths all the time but have maybe used it 3 times since May. At least we finally put down roots – we planted the butterfly bushes that I received on my first Mother’s Day without Erin. They are in bad shape – 3 years in pots will do that to a bush. But we were determined to take them to our new when we moved. That wasn’t a typo – we are in our NEW.

At least one hummingbird finally came to visit. He buzzed my head last night when we put a rock border down.

My new job is fantastic. But it is a LOT of work. I have not done service desk from the prime contractor perspective before, and so I have learned a whole lot about government and program management office deliverables, which is great experience. I’m also learning how to pull back from operations. But I have a small leadership staff so I still have to do a lot of things myself and am working 12-13 hour days. I had forgotten how it felt to get 100+ emails a day ha ha!

The 2nd Annual Go for the Gold at McMullen Cove will occur on 9/15. Please come support the Harmon’s Sam, and Erin, as well as the St Jude families that the donations will go to. Being in the hospital with your child means time off work, lost wages, unpaid bills, and a lot of gas and food. They need help. We did, and we are fortunate to be in good financial shape. I can’t imagine what others are going through. And did I mention come support the Harmon’s and us? We still need it. I still cry every day. I’m actually crying now. It never stops.

That’s all for today. Love and hugs, blessings, namaste, and #missingerin <3

I discovered last Friday morning, via FaceBook, that Erin’s friends apparently graduated from 8th grade on Thursday. I was not prepared for the feelings that followed, and I am a little ashamed to share them. I mean, what normal person is bitter that children are happy, healthy, and have moved on 4 years later? I stopped being normal, though, when Erin left. So I’m not a normal person.

I have spent the entire weekend in a deep depression. I was too busy on Friday at work to think about it much, but it popped in during every moment of downtime, and moved in to stay after work. I finally showered after 2 days, and haven’t been hungry. I really have very little to say. I’m sure you can tell this isn’t flowing very well.

I am ashamed that I feel the way that I do. I can’t lean into it though. I’ve just got to turn away. I’m angry that it’s been almost 4 years since I’ve seen my daughter or heard her voice. It does not get easier with time. I still cry every day and I still tell her goodnight and good morning. I still tell her that I miss her several times a day.

The well-read of you will tell me that I have what they call “complicated grief.” That’s almost an insult. There is nothing complicated about this. My child died. No one should have to continue living with that, yet here I am.

This is why happy events make me so miserable. If you are one of the people who don’t understand why I don’t celebrate holidays, birthdays, etc. maybe you will gain more insight by reading this. Maybe not. I don’t know why I still feel the need to accommodate those of you who don’t understand. Yes, there are still some.

I would say the flow is gone but it wasn’t here. I guess I wrote this one more for me than for you. My apologies for the downer content. All that I can say is UGH and #missingerin <3

I had not intended to write on this day. As you know, I actively avoid holiday and special occasion dates on the calendar. But I’m overdue to write and to have a friendly conversation with all of you, so here I am.

The primary reason I have been silent here is due to the tremendous amount of changes my life is undergoing, and busyness that goes along with that. But the truth is that I’ve been overwhelmed, and exhausted, and at times wondering what I am getting myself into. (Note: I initially wrote “info” as a typo, but there are no coincidences >> “getting myself info.”)

I had been unhappy with the stagnation in my life for a long while. I could say it’s been since Erin left, but it went long before that. In 2007 when my stepfather died, our family descended into a long bout of chaos and the fallout that ensued. He died suddenly, leaving my mother shocked and destitute, and most of all alone. We didn’t know it then, but the stress of the emotional trauma caused her to descend into dementia. It took us until 2012 to realize and understand that it was more than just bad behavior, and since we had not experienced dementia/Alzheimer’s before, we did not understand what was happening.

In 2013 Erin got sick with a mystery illness. Not so much a mystery even though it remains undiagnosed. Her collarbone lymph node swelled up suddenly and I knew what that meant, but I trusted every doctor who said they could not find cancer. When 2014 rolled around, I thought our lives were looking up. I know about 7 year cycles and figured we were coming out of one. Now here I am 3 years away from the end of this 7 year cycle confused, sad, and yet somehow hopeful.

I have been in limbo for 5 years now. For those who don’t follow numerology, 5 typically indicates change. 5 years ago, we moved into our then new house on Laurel Cove Way. It was supposed to be our forever home, but it was nothing but the beginning of our nightmare. After our horrible 2014, that home became my prison in a way. I could not walk into, and sometimes past, certain rooms. I worked from home so was there nearly all the time. The idea of leaving cut me deep, but the idea of staying was hard too. We moved out a week ago, and finished cleaning up last Friday. I never want to go back. Being there was so difficult that I could not bear it.

Friday was also my 21st wedding anniversary with Shaun. We don’t celebrate it anymore. We always included Erin in our special day, and well, it’s just a sad memory now. It was also my last day at work after 14 years. I start a new job on Monday.

I have gotten everything I have asked for…”movement” in my life. New job. New house. By Tuesday, it will be over when we sign the final papers at 2pm. I guess I am confused about being confused and wondering if what I thought wanted is really what I wanted, and how long this new phase of life will last.

That is all for now. Blessings and #missingerin <3

Still no house buyers, but I was nudged strongly to go take down Erin’s posters today, so I did. It was surreal in the sense that I was upset about it but unfeeling as I did it. I guess that was what was needed. I then launched into her stuffed animals again, and weeded many out that I can no longer remember why I kept. That bothers me. Why can’t I remember? I only kept what meant something 2-3 years ago when I did this the first time. But I can’t remember what I can’t remember. Sigh.

That took me all of 20 minutes but it felt like an activity that lasted days. I have a headache building now. Moving energy again and the painful kind. She would be 14 now and likely would not want that in her room. How is that possible? I had to count it on my fingers to be sure. 12/11/2003.

The playroom is nearly empty now. I feel as I type that it’s time to just box up all of her stuff. And it makes me cry, but it was a pure feeling and so I know it’s what I need to do. I can’t do it today though. Maybe this weekend. It has to be done anyway. We are moving, and the buyer will pop up and it will be over before we know it.

I found a bin full of MY Barbie stuff. I looked in it briefly and it was like seeing old friends again. I can’t get rid of them. I will at least keep them awhile longer, along with my baby blanket and a few things from childhood. The thing is that I don’t really remember that part of my childhood. I guess I blocked it out. Another sigh.

This wasn’t even what I was going to write about. I was going to write about all of the ugliness that people are spewing about children on the internet, the news, and to each other these days. It is upsetting to me. Most of them are somewhat decent people who would feel so badly if something happened to the kids they are denigrating with their words. and if it was being said to or about their child, they would feel even worse. I know how it feels to have regret. I have it in spades. Don’t be me. Think before you speak, and even consider considering someone else’s point of view as valid – just as yours is valid.

And since I have nothing more constructive to say, it’s time to go. Farewell and blessings to you today. And #missingerin <3

Good morning! I was going to launch right into speaking with you, but then remembered that I’m trying to remember to greet people first. I have a one track mind sometimes and forget there is polite conversation to be had. So good morning!

Now…first thing I got up and went out to my office area, and opened the blinds. Who knew that opening those blinds and looking out at the street would spark a deep depressed feeling? I sure didn’t. I’m not even sure what the trigger was, but it was real and it was deep. I am coming out of it a bit but it’s still there. I suspect that our entire neighborhood has Erin triggers and any angle I view triggers memories. UGH.

I love my memories and I do not want to lose them, but they cause me a lot of pain. It’s hard missing someone, and when it’s your child it sort of just tears you apart on a constant basis. UGH again.

Yesterday after writing, then crying, I ate two pieces of lemon pie and about 5-6 chocolate chip cookies that I had made for the open house we had on Sunday. I don’t know what contest I was in but I won. I ate the most sugar and calories. Hip hip hooray! I also took off work early because I felt bad, and finally felt somewhat better after taking a salt bath and irrigating my sinuses. I live a glamorous life.

Took a break and came back to this. I have sold the dining room furniture this morning to a lady through a very nice interior decorator. Well I assume that’s what she is, she keeps talking about “my client.” Nice lady anyway. Really the only other thing I am for sure getting rid of is probably my dad’s desk (I have nowhere for it), which he bought in 1968 because he needed a desk to work on his master’s degree stuff on. Oh, and the massively huge round coffee table upstairs. Why did we buy such a big table? I have no idea. It’s too big for our space and I hate dusting it (yes I’m that lazy).

I’ll be saying another goodbye soon. On the weekend of the 13th I’m traveling to Indianola, MS to celebrate my Aunt Shirley’s life and sprinkle some ashes on the graves of my grandparents and aunts and uncles. That will probably be the last time I will ever visit Indianola or their graves, unless some other life event brings me there. Everyone who lived there is either gone or dead now. I guess it’s sad that it’s an ending you know? But they aren’t there anymore. Their remains are, but they aren’t in those bones any longer. I think it’s the land I will miss, and the memories.

Reflecting on this has made me less sad. Running from it doesn’t resolve anything, but talking about it (and this counts as talking) helps to process it and move through it. None of us need to carry heavy baggage like grief and sadness with us. I had the opportunity to see something this morning talking about “strong women.” We are all strong. We just don’t have opportunity to hone those muscles until we have to tow that heavy stuff. We do what we’ve got to do but after awhile enough is enough. I am ready to shed this body, or at least the energetic portion, and move on to whatever comes next. Whatever serves me better you know? I wish the same for each and every one of you.

I guess that is all because the flow has left the building. Love and blessings, and #missingerin <3

This has been a tough weekend for me and I think I’m finally able and ready to process (and talk about) it.

I have had a lot of moving energy lately. Sometimes people don’t know what I mean by that so let me explain. Anytime that you feel emotions, it’s moving energy.  Anytime that you do anything physically, it’s moving energy.  We are made of energy and our emotional bodies, mental bodies, and physical bodies are all part of one unit, and any change from minute to minute is moving energy.

When Erin’s body died, I had a tsunami of moving energy. For a long while I was simply unable to withstand any movement at all, and so there was very little change. Even before this happened I desired peace and tried to control my environment to that end (it didn’t work). Afterward, it was paramount that I control my environment but that meant being a recluse and staying indoors where I had some degree of control. When I went out, I tended to do things like drink too much so that I could get away from having to deal. Ironic that I lost control to gain it in my mind and heart, at least for a moment.

So the moving energy has been tiring to say the least. I’m back to being somewhat bewildered and it’s been a tough time. I have made a lot of progress personally and the evidence is the outward manifestation of moving energy – career developments, the flow of selling and buying a house, etc. And so I guess that my psyche thought I was ready for something a little larger in that some past life work I had done in pieces over the last 10 years was back in the picture, with some new revelations.

Many of us have memories of being in Atlantis. Even if you do not have memories outright, if you are drawn to the idea of Atlantis chances are you were incarnated there or you wouldn’t have the pull towards it. Atlantis, much like the present-day United States, was once a beacon of light and the pinnacle of technology and civilization. And much like the present-day US, its demise began and ended through corruption and a turning away from the sacred duty of living in harmony with our planet.  (No, the US has not imploded yet, but sadly we are repeating history)

Without boring those of you who aren’t “into this stuff” with my past life journey, let me just say that I turned away from natural laws and from right action. I put greed and a lust for power, as well as the idea that I could do anything that I wanted to without consequence, I put that ahead of what was right. Others were harmed both emotionally and physically. I participated with so many others, but none of them matter for these purposes, only me. So how do you make amends for something that happened so many eons ago?

Thus far I have balanced the karma, first and foremost through the death of my child. That was my karma come full circle. I suppose it must have been Shaun’s too, although I have not asked about his role as it’s his and not mine. I have also experienced the horror of being a child in unsafe situations with no control over your environment or reality. I said horror…that’s a strong word but that’s what the emotional sentiment is and so I used it. I feel that I have already experienced all of the situations and nuances of the other side of the coin, and now I understand. I feel it and understand it logically and have a complete picture. I have always said that just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Well, all of that sums up the lessons of this lifetime.

The deeper understanding of all of this opened deeper wounds, and well, that sort of sucks. I know that I need to make amends, and as noted already, how do you do that NOW? I had already gotten the message and just didn’t understand the significance of it. Show them there is a better way. Lead through your actions and example. Be the best person you can be every single day. Learn from your regrets and experiences and BE BETTER. Don’t let the past be in vain. Instead, do something about it by changing who you are and the energy you put out.

I feel like I have just finished a very long and tedious puzzle and I should shout Eureka! But I’m not feeling it. I just feel tired and bewildered. And sad. Maybe I’m sad because the puzzle is over? Or maybe it’s the carnage left in my wake. The lost opportunities for happiness and love perhaps. Or maybe I am not seeing the crystal city at the end of the long road that I thought would be there.

And this house…what a load of stress. I have a list of things that must be done before we can move and selling this house is one of them. It needs a family. I feel that perfect family is already there but why am I not seeing a contract yet? Letting go is not my strong suit and especially not today or this week.

I did draw two tarot cards from my Wildwood deck  and they were the Green Man and the Archer. The Green Man is telling me to step into my power and the Archer is showing me how to take aim and make it become a reality. But I feel like I don’t know how to let go of the bow.

Such is my world today. Sorry for the chaotic energy. I feel like I have a black hole inside of me. I guess that could be good or bad and it depends on what I do with it. UGH.

Blessings and love, and #missingerin

I have had so much going on I have not written in awhile. I almost wrote the other day, and I still want to impart the message I heard in my mind and heart all week last week. That message is “Show them there is another way.” There is so much in that short sentence, and I ask you to open your hearts to it.

My guidance reminded me constantly last week to be the change that I want to see. To be the best that I can be at any given moment. To be loving and kind, to be courageous, and so much more that I can’t quite put into words. It means to lead, and live, by example. It is similar to the same message that so many teachers have tried to impart to us over the millennia, and it is still relevant now.

Intuition has been strong lately, and I never cease to be amazed. We are the recipients of a lot of wonderful cosmic energy right now. Those who are sensitive to energy can feel it. Many believe that wonderful things are coming for us here on Earth. I sure hope so. I’ve waited most of my life for something I just can’t explain but know in my heart. Coming “soon” is a relative term.

Things are moving for me personally, and since I know that the micro mimics the macro, I assume that things that have been stuck are also moving for many of you. I am on the cusp of a more interesting career path for instance. I have been in stuck mode since my personal life began disintegrating (when everyone began getting sick). We put our house back on the market, picked out another one immediately that we both love, and things have been flowing there. I took the arduous steps of emotionally detaching from the house and material items in it so that it will sell just last week. Within a day, we had been designated Home of the Week by the local board of Realtors, and I sold my bedroom furniture. Today I expect to sell the other set of bedroom furniture that we are selling, and a close friend with a baby girl is coming to get Erin’s Barbie collection. I also donated a ton of stuff, including her dishes and cups, to charity. That alone gave me a splitting headache because I had not moved so much energy in this home in almost 4 years. Selling the furniture and cleaning out the drawers, etc. yesterday resulted in both a headache and then later a stuffy nose. I am sharing because those are the types of things that can result from energy fluctuations. And yes, sometimes it’s just pollen or something. With some dedication one learns to tell the difference.

I tuned in this morning and got a strong message that my house will sell when I have moved the items out that I need to move. Otherwise, I may stop the progress and hoard what I don’t need again. I also heard Erin’s sweet voice last night and she said it would be soon.

Which brings me to something else that I want to share that is very important. All along, I have known that I can’t go back, and I don’t want to for many reasons. It would be wonderful to find myself “back” before her body died, but presumably the lessons and value would be lost and I may or may not have to go through this again. She gave me and her daddy such a gift, one that we may not fully realize for a very long time, but it was an undeniable gift. We are such different people today than we were on August 14, 2014 (or even last year for that matter). We are better people. Not perfect, but better. We have figured out there is a better way, and maybe we are wayshowers, who knows. But the bottom line is that we have to go forward to become who we are to become, just as we did to become who we are in this Now today. And we are way better parents now than we were then. We understand deeply what we did that we could have done better, and we have accepted that and imagined how we would be different.

I don’t want to get into a long discussion about how that changes the energy…I know that many of you who read my blog either aren’t into or well-versed in that, and I’ll save it for an article or something later.  Those of you who are into metaphysics, you know what I was getting at.

And so today we will continue to work on moving energy. I am giving mine and my mother’s old records (vinyl) to a LHS classmate, and I hope to give her Elvis stuff to another classmate who is as big a fan as she was. If we sell the other bedroom furniture, then we will be stirring up the energy in Erin’s bedroom when we move her bed to the other room and redress it. Some of this has been overwhelming, and I get why it has to be done in pieces.

I have thanked my house and let it know that it deserves a family who lives and loves here. Our time together is complete, as is my blog for today.

Namaste to you, and #missingerin <3