Musings for 3/9/2018

Well, I typed year 3018. My last week has been so busy it’s possible I could be in 3018 and not even know it. I told someone it was too late to turn in their February expense report and didn’t realize it until today. I honestly thought February was 2 months ago at the time. Maybe I am jumping time lines? If so, I want a more interesting take on it like the show Sliders or Quantum Leap. LOL!! Or maybe I don’t. They got themselves into a bit of trouble here and there.

So far 2018 has been an experience of investing in me. And I have made progress, so perhaps I have leaped forward a thousand fold. I have eased back into feeling confident about my job and skills. I’m pretty sharp at my job, but have lost the confidence in myself and thus found I was selling myself short. I also have been evaluating my worth, and I find that I am afraid to affirm it. That’s nuts eh? I know…no rational explanation for it. I fear that others don’t value me. Well that’s something I am learning to trust and have the wherewithal to get over.

I have also been mulling over what a friend asked me about a month ago. How does someone like you (meaning, spiritually minded etc.) work in a 3D job? I reflected back on how many people I was able to mentor, help personally, the relationships, and in a flash that dwarfed my actual job duties. Put that together with me being good at my job and I guess I have a pretty decent scenario. I want to do that again. I’m ready and willing. And if I have to work (and I do!), I want to get compensated for it.

I haven’t had a raise since 2011. That is not all my company’s fault. Business fell away, my responsibilities dwindled, yet they took care of me during my times of need and kept me on. But it’s 2018 – there’s that 7 year / cycle. Time to be in integrity but not to settle. I think this time I can find that balance if I try hard enough.

I have had a whirlwind of a few weeks, and thought I would remember it all to share. But now I can’t! Maybe I’ll come back after more coffee.

#missingerin and love and blessings. <3

Musings for 2/18/2018

I have been pondering things for a few days and, well, ok I ponder things all the time. Usually multiple things at once. Sometimes I get an “aha” moment and other times it comes months or years later.

But I got a good aha about the arguments for and against gun control, and hell, lots of other things too. And you are going to think I’m going to say be kind and loving. Nope, but do that anyway. Do that in everything you do, and things will change and turn out fine with that as a guiding principle. But not what I was going to say.

I actually do not mind guns. In fact, to save mine or your life, I would kill someone else in a heartbeat with few regrets other than the obvious taking of a life. I do not have a need for an automatic weapon and neither do you, despite what you may think. So I’m also ok with laws that prohibit the general public from obtaining those. But on the other hand, I’m not so naive that I think that you can’t otherwise get a gun. You can go to any criminal anywhere and buy them. You can have them passed down in your family. Don’t think anyone you know inherited an automatic weapon? I bet you do know someone. I do. And nope, not divulging names.

And that’s also not what I was going to say. All of these arguments FOR and AGAINST are born out of fear. Let me capitalize that – FEAR. The people against gun control are afraid that they will lose their rights. People for it are afraid of losing their lives. It doesn’t matter which side you are on, it’s all about fear.

I find myself confused about this, but I can sort of understand it so I have empathy for it. I also see how both sides play out in a historical context. But more importantly, I see a systemic problem in our world and culture that promotes both fear and violence. Until we change that, nothing really changes.

I do feel that we need to stop the bleeding for safety reasons, and risk management. That’s my parent and manager perspective and both are compatible so I can wear them concurrently. I mean think about it parents – if you have two children and one hits the other with a model train repeatedly, you take the train away until they are mature enough to not do that anymore. It’s a safety thing right? If you have an employee who needs a buffer from an air vent, you either fix the vent or move the employee. Neither the model train nor the air vent is inherently bad or even causing the problem, but you’ve gotta do something right now. These are things you can do right now, and so you do them. Why is it so hard when we talk about major issues?

Well, it’s fear. So I ask you today – what is it that you really fear? And who do you fear it from? And why? These are fantastic things to ponder, and to ponder honestly. So go forth and ponder my loves, and if you want to talk about it during or after, I’m here for you.

Hugs, blessings, and #missingerin <3

Musings for 2/13/2018

Before I get too busy this afternoon, I wanted to share about this Neutrogena Light Therapy mask that I have been using. I’ve had it about 1. 5 weeks and have used it all but one day. I admit I bought it for breakouts on my face – you know the ones you thought would be gone by your mid-40’s? Those. And damn…mid-40’s?

Well, so far it is doing ok. I read you have to use it 4-6 weeks for results. For a $35 mask, it’s actually pretty good from what I can determine. But that’s not what I wanted to share. It’s also working on my wrinkles! I had no idea, so obviously I am elated. I have deep forehead wrinkles that I have hated for years, and had developed a pretty deep between-the-brow furrow. The furrow wasn’t actually “wrinkled” but the skin had just arranged itself that way, like it was loose and set. I have no idea how it got stretched that way but I have been frowning more and more since 2007 when my mom’s last husband died and left her destitute. I never frowned before.

All of that is better, so I am pleased to say the least. And I wanted to tell you just like I told you about the Unicorn Sparkle nail polish, which I am still loving. I’m also waiting on the newest set of Mary Kay brushes from my good friend AKS. I currently use the “old brushes,” which she has on sale right now to get rid of inventory. **hint hint**

Also today I have been listening to a full chakra crystal bowl video on YouTube from templesounds. I left you the URL in the last sentence. These are soothing and they really do clear your energy centers. Not to scare anyone, but you know I’ve been very sad this week. Well, during the F key (heart chakra), I had a slight pain in my heart center for about 15 seconds while the energy cleansed and opened the chakra. So again, don’t be afraid and expect that if you have “activity” when clearing chakras or even feeding them good energy, it’s probably natural. If you think it isn’t, visit a doctor or ER.

So no I am not a medical professional, but I’m an intelligent, well-read adult and I do consider myself a spiritual professional. You can take that for what it’s worth but if you sue me over any advice I give, you won’t get much. I’m in debt up to my ears most weeks. Well, you might get some bad karma but that’s on you.

Oh, back to the mask. I may buy a better one that an article recommended for $125 on Amazon. But I’ll wait on that and let you know how this one goes. You do have to re-buy the activators. That’s where Neutrogena makes their money. I’m unclear on if the more expensive one has unlimited uses.

I have a meeting in 30 minutes and I’m getting a bit of anxiety over it, so my flow is gone. It’s the good kind of anxiety – the sort I get when I’m about to be inundated with work for a little while. I thrive under that sort of stress though. It’s the negative kind that was killing me.

Blessings, peace, and #missingerin <3

Musings for 2/12/2018

Greetings all. I have been on business travel, and sick, for the past month (not in that order) so have not written in awhile. I have thought about writing though, as I’ve had some interesting experiences.

Since I don’t know when the last time I shared was, forgive me if you already knew that I had the flu. I was surprised. I haven’t had the flu in years, and do not take the vaccine (don’t plan to). But I know where I got it…at a funeral. I saw someone post a day or two afterward that “I have the flu” and darn, I hugged them. I bet a lot of folks there got it since there was a lot of hugging going on.

But mine was mild except for a few days of excessive coughing that arrived after the fever had gone down. I was in bed 3 days with a fever, spiking at 101.6. But I did not take any pain/fever meds because I wanted the fever to do it’s job and it did. On day 3 it broke and never came back. I was actually on business travel and went to an Urgent Care for my cough when I found out I tested positive for flu. He said my lungs sounded fine and confirmed I had no fever. That was about 5 days post symptom-start.

Anyway, I ended up with the remnants of a chest cold type thing that should be going away soon. I hope so as it is annoying. But I sort of feel like I need to look at why I am being annoyed – there’s a message there I keep ignoring? It feels that way.

I had the best “work week” I’ve had in years last week at a customer site. I was working again as part of a team, doing something constructive and quite busy. That’s the sort of work-life I want and hopefully my desires have been answered. But traveling is hard on me. There are a lot of sights at the airport, for example, that hit me right in the heart chakra. People with their children especially. It’s rough. Oh, and not buying souvenirs anymore. I can’t not notice the stores.

We are in year 4 – it will be 4 years this August. On Saturday night I had that awful feeling – first in my heart area then it sank to the pit of my stomach. I knew what it was, and I woke on Sunday extremely depressed. There are just times that it is too much and I can no longer deal with it. Her room is still nearly just like she left it. I had to clean her play room up when we thought we would sell the house but it’s basically intact, posters still on the wall. The only thing missing is her. I can’t get rid of her stuff because that’s just more heartbreak, and I’m at my limit. Who knew that I could miss someone this much, for this long, every single day?

I know there was a local child who died recently. I just have to turn away from that, you know? I have nothing positive to say. This is a life sentence and it never gets better. Time doesn’t heal this wound. You do learn how to keep going, how to manage, but when you aren’t distracted and you think of your baby, it feels like it just happened. There is no hope. There is just trying to be the best person you can be, in honor of your child, until you are released from this hell that we call life.

So how’s that to brighten your day? I know, but I feel that way inside all the damn time. So I hope my work life does continuously improve, because I need something for Pete’s sake. Video games and exercise and whatever else only goes so far. At least I was so exhausted every night last week that I collapsed into bed, even forgetting to tell Erin goodnight a few times.

Oh, and in other news, I must have been completely disconnected from my body because on Wednesday, I didn’t realized my left foot was asleep and twisted my ankle worse than I have in my entire life. It was bruised and my calf muscles are still sore. Talk about a disconnect! It was a reminder to me that I have to be aware of my body, mind, and spirit – all the time. Can’t just focus on one.

I also figured out why therapists just have you come and talk. You figure your own shit out when you talk about it, if that’s your desire anyway. Otherwise you just talk and never attend to your issues. So that’s why I talk here. By the end of what I’m writing, I’ve helped me and maybe even helped you. At the very least you are either amused or think “Wow, my life isn’t so bad I guess.” LOL Maybe both.

I guess that’s it – flow is gone. Will chat later. Hugs, blessings, and #missingerin <3

Musings for 1/22/2018

I realize that I have not written much in January but I have been either busy or sick. I realized this week that most of the time when I say “I’m sick” I’m not truly sick. Well, sick for me, but not truly sick. Sick means feels bad. Could be sinus. Could be too much beer (but not in awhile). Could be fatigue. This time, though, I got a real physical illness.

The journey there and back is the story I want to tell you though. I really don’t believe that anything is random. Every single thing we experience serves our greater journey and the day to day steps that we take to get there. Good stuff, bad stuff, it’s all part of the simulation we’re running called “My Earth Life.” Let me also remind me (and you) that there are no mistakes or failures, only learning experiences.

Week before last I attended a funeral on Tuesday and on Thursday evening I went to Atlanta to be with my family there. Both events were stressful for me, and even though I take decent care of myself I woke up overly tired on Friday morning. You’d think that would be clue #1 (because it always precedes an illness or migraine), but nope, I was laser focused on being there for my cousin and completing whatever tasks we had ahead of us for the weekend. But on Saturday night I had to call it and I went to bed at 8:30.

On Sunday I got up to go home and could feel a chest cold coming on so I even stopped and bought Mucinex. I drove the 200 miles home, went to get Shaun and I food and also went to get something for the cold I assumed I had. Since I now had a thermometer, I confirmed that I had a fever and went to bed for a few days. I had a business trip coming up on Wednesday and Tuesday was my travel day.

Now I bet you’re thinking…why didn’t you stay home girl? I’ll remind you of that next time you say “But I have to take my kids to volleyball.” Or “I have to do laundry.” Or whatever. You understand. Plus, let me just say that the topic of the business meeting was something I am interested in, so I wanted to attend.

My fever broke Monday night, just in time for the 24 hour rule for fevers and going places. I actually felt good on Tuesday and made my way to the airport. But by the time I got to my destination around 7pm, the dreaded cough came. It kept me up all night. I apologize to whomever was in the room next to me.

Other than the nagging cough I felt fine. So I medicated up and got my shower and made my way to the first day of meetings. But that damn cough…it was a bad one. I kept it at bay like you would a rabid dog with cough drops etc. all day but I knew I wasn’t going to live another night with it, so at the end of the day I went to an urgent care. Picture me…it’s cold as hell where I was and I had no rental car. I Uber’d to urgent care, and after that a pharmacy, then to the hotel. But I digress…

My throat looked pretty rough, but I thought it was from the cough. Or maybe I had strep. So they did a strep test and a flu test. I had the Flu! I haven’t had the flu in years and could not believe it. It was a mild flu. I had actually been to one of my more natural doctors the Monday prior and they agreed I did not have flu symptoms but did have cold symptoms. Believe it or not, at the urgent care I had no fever and my lungs sounded fine. But due to the positive flu test, I had to disclose and later cancel my second day of meetings (well, they went on without me). I was bummed. Hadn’t I done everything right? Why me? Will they all be mad at me if by some off chance I got them sick? UGH.

I also couldn’t fly back home on Thursday. Well, if I wanted to throw away $500 I could have. I didn’t. So I hung out in bed in my nice Hilton room. At least it was a nice room.

Once I got home I began pondering this over and over. Stressing over it really. Where did I got wrong? Why did I get bitten in the ass once again?

Then yesterday I was listening to something or other and one phrase caused me to say out loud to myself “The decision to go on the trip was made in Ego.” BAM! I had not honored my body or spirit in this matter, and so it made me sit the F down and take a time out. And truthfully, once I did that, I was better immediately. Like cough gone, felt better immediately. DUH.

Part of what informed my intuition here is that I also got an instant reminder of while I was sick, being shown exactly what to do and when. Here’s an example…I was coughing and kept seeing an image of myself making a glass of hot salt water to gargle. I kept ignoring it but finally got up and did that. It was just what I needed at that time. I had several other instances like that, and they repeated in my mind’s eye until I stopped ignoring them and acted.

For whatever reason, my body wanted to rest. I did not honor that but instead honored my ego who said things like “go to the meeting” and “get out of bed lazy.” But really the big picture is that I made the wrong decision for me at that time because I used only logic to make it. Was it the best decision I could make at that time? Unfortunately, yes it was. I was tired, and I was stressed about what was on my plate to complete and was focused only on that. Truly I was on the spectrum of Fear. Had I been more heart-centered (or in the spectrum of Love), I would have felt (heart) and known (mind/logic) what was right for me in that now. It’s a classic example of just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

Anyway, once I released that yesterday I have felt much better in both my mind and spirit. It was weighing me down. I made a mistake and in some way failed by not choosing correctly the first time. So I’ll probably have to repeat this scenario again. But I did figure it out and connected with it, so hopefully next time around I’ll check this one off and be done with it.

Blessings and love,

#missingerin

Musings for 1/11/2018

Yesterday I managed to have a major “breakthrough” in regards to beating myself up about (insert here). I know there are others out there who are also beating themselves up knowingly and unknowingly. Either way, your Self hears and feels you and it is unhealthy. My hope is that we can learn together to be more loving to ourselves, and to others.

This image was the most popular image on the internet to represent the Medieval people known as the Flagellants. They were called that because they practiced what is known as flagellation for religious purposes. In short, they would beat themselves bloody as a penance of sorts, and if I recall correctly they would go about their daily lives and march in the streets doing it.

Yesterday when I was speaking with my friend, I told her that this was what I have been doing to myself, except my experience is emotional and mental and not physical. After I hung up with her, I had a visual image of it. First it manifested as a mace, and I immediately thought well that’s not very efficient. Then it immediately morphed into a whip just like the one you see pictured. Except mine had little mace-like barbs on the ends. Smaller barbs and more tentacles for maximum torture and endurance. Perfect.

One of the things I was telling my friend is that I am having a terrible time being accountable and responsible, but then letting it go and moving forward. I keep talking about the former Me and the Me in this now. With growth, we change and we become better than we were before. We become different. So the Me that I am today is not even the same Me that wrote to you yesterday. I have grown and gained further wisdom and knowledge, and thus I have expanded. I understand things differently, and so much more.

That doesn’t negate what the Me yesterday wrote, or the feelings, or even anything negative or positive that I said or did. But it seems counterproductive to stay in a state of self-punishment in order to be accountable and responsible. How do we bridge that gap? I am not yet sure but I’m working on it.

My friend finally said something that clicked for me. I am approaching a multidimensional concept with a 3rd dimensional form of thought. You don’t have to adopt this language to understand what I mean, and I’ll explain with an example. I’m sure you’ve seen on the news at least once in your life some fellow who had committed a crime earlier in this life. Obviously having remorse, he reinvented himself and led a good life. Perhaps a life of love, kindness, and service. But then one day they figure out that he committed the crime,and they arrest him and try him for the crime.

Many times in these situations people feel strongly that this person has made amends, and that they have shown their character via the type of life that they went on to live. They are upset that the law will hold him accountable. I can’t give you examples but I know I have seen this happen many times on the national news over my lifetime.

To reframe my concepts, we are talking about a lower vibrational form of thought versus a higher vibrational from of thought. The lower vibrational form (3d, etc.) is informed and perpetuated by fear, anger, and lack of empathy. It is not inherently wrong and was put in place for a reason. But the higher vibrational form of thought is informed by love and kindness. It recognizes who this man is now, and that he has made amends. It not only has compassion, it has empathy.

So apply this to yourself. How many times do you speak negatively to yourself every day? “Geez I look fat.” ” I knew better, why did I do that?” “Way to go Nicole, that was stupid.” The list goes on and it goes on all day, every day for most of us. We say things to ourselves that we would never say to someone else.

I first said to myself, for months, that I knew better than to speak so harshly, or to act the way that I did, and I recognized when I had been selfish and in ego or jealousy. After I had a breakthrough and realized that I had grown and would never do/say those things now, I moved on to “I said this to my daughter. I am a horrible person and must have hurt her feelings. I am accountable for this and cannot undo it.”

But if I were speaking to you, I would hug you and tell you that just the fact that you have grown enough to notice that you needed to change is huge. That it means you are on the right path. And that you are not the person you were then, and that you never meant to be hurtful in the first place and you just didn’t have the tools or understanding to be different then. I would also remind you that you being the best you can be every day is enough, and that I love you.

I do not say these things to myself. I have softened my heart to many who I previously thought were mean or unkind when I saw the change in them, but I don’tĀ  do that for me. When I saw my mother in dream time, and saw the change in her, my feelings towards her were completely healed. Yet I do not recognize that when I turn inward. Does that sound familiar to you? I suspect for many that it does.

It is not a bad thing to hold yourself accountable and responsible. In fact it is imperative. But continual punishment is not productive or healthy. It also isn’t helpful to break old patterns and formation of new, positive ones.

I am still not sure how to make that jump from old school thought to where I think I’m going with this, but I know I have to get there somehow. At least now I can start to let go and move to another leg of this journey. I love you all <3

#missingerin

Musings for 1/10/2018

This morning I managed to get the gum off of my floor mat (for anyone following that! ha ha). I haven’t stepped in gum in ages, and still don’t know exactly when I did it because it wasn’t on any of my shoes! But it got onto my car floor mat, and someone suggested Goo Gone, which I had in the garage. It worked like a charm. I’m also told that ice and peanut butter work also.

I was wondering why in the world I was telling you that, and realized that my first thought when I opened the window to type is that things are becoming UNSTUCK. I got a big nudge for that last night and am not ready to talk about what that was yet, but I got the message.

While my personal “movement” is unique to me, I find that most of us who are in the flow (or not) experience the same types either flow or root issues, again unique to our experience. If you pay attention you will see evidence of that in your own life. The key is to recognize what is going on with you and not go through your days unconscious. I mean, be present and aware of your feelings, thoughts, and what is happening around you. That’s how you begin to change things. You first become aware, then you can work on reacting and acting differently when they arise as well as working with your personal feelings.

Last night we attended a local Meetup group called Kadampa Meditation and Study. We went mostly for the meditation, but were pleased with the study (which was Buddhist based). The study topic (in a nutshell) was to set the intention, in all of your daily activities, to be the best that you can be so that you can benefit and benefit others. I paraphrased that, but you get the picture, and it’s a fabulous message. Think if you set that intention, to cook the best meal that you could to nourish yourself and your family! What a glorious and love filled meal you would cook! By the way, the link I included above goes to their Meetup group and they have two local sessions per week with different teachers on Tuesday and Wednesday.

Half way through writing this, I got a call from a cherished friend and fellow seeker. It was a purposeful call, and she gave me what I needed to change my mindset and stop beating myself up. Easier said than done right? Yes, but half the battle is changing my perception and that is well on its way. Whew – on to whatever is next I hope!

At the funeral service yesterday, one of the people who spoke said that the best that we can do is to put an emphasis on living a quality life until we see our friend again. Or our child, our parent, our brother, etc. That is my intention and I wish for it to benefit all of you also.

Love, peace, and blessings <3 #missingerin

 

Musings for 1/9/2018

Today I attended the second funeral in less than a week down at Spry Funeral Home on North Parkway. I actually meant to post about the first one last week, so let me say a short bit about that. A dear friend’s mother died, someone who was like a second mother to me in high school. She lost her father and mother within 9 months, and my heart aches for her. On the up side, she has a loving family to get her through it and I’m grateful for that.

The funeral I attended today was for a former colleague. He started on the program I used to support a few months after I did way back in 2004. Such a nice guy, and he left behind a wife and three children. He was only 45. I know I did not expect him to die.

Seeing their grief opened up my own wounds. I don’t know if the tears I shed today were for them or for me, but I feel so sorry for them knowing what is ahead. Still, I think it’s easier when it’s your parent and not your child, or your husband and not your child. You can’t replace spouses and parents, but others can step in and eventually fill the roles. I have a void that cannot be filled and it slowly kills me.

You know I say that but I also know that I am resilient and a survivor, so it will not kill me. It also will not make me stronger. Just more miserable due to length of time.

And by the way, those things I said above are from my own experience. I was 4 when my father died of ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease). My mother was 32 and she started dating again 3 years later. I know that she missed my dad but she remarried twice after that and so, she filled her void. Not everyone will but I still suspect that it’s not as debilitating as losing your child. And then, I hate to compare grief. Grief absolutely sucks no matter who or what you are grieving. Perhaps it’s the degree of heart shattering that is the deciding factor in how deeply you grieve? I have no idea, and I have not yet found anyone who knows. So-called experts just call it “complicated grief” because they don’t know what to do with it. I don’t fault them…and yes, it’s very complicated.

Two night ago after a few days of very deep depression, Erin visited me in my dream state. I was so happy to see her and was telling her that, then I had the presence of mind to apologize. I said I am so sorry for everything, and for anything unkind, and before I could finish she said “Stop saying that.” The dream didn’t end there but it was the most impactful part of our interaction. I apologize to her and feel deep remorse on a daily basis. It’s not productive and it’s harmful to my spiritual, mental, emotional and physical health. And it’s not something I can carry forward into our relationship when we are together again.

I feel shame when I experience and hear the unkind words that I said once, or remember the unkind deed. People really have no idea how their actions affect others. I know that I am experiencing those words and actions as the recipient in my PTSD moments, and I feel the depth of their violence. If I told you about some of the most often recurring ones, you’d say “Oh, that isn’t terrible.” Or something. But they were, and are.

I know that if I was then who I am now, I would not say those things. I would not do those things. I would welcome Erin into my bed when she woke up every night for whatever reason, and I would not complain loudly when she kept me up. I would not yell at her over homework. I would have done more fun things with her, things she wanted to do. I can blame it on life getting in the way but if I am truthful, it was me and no one else but me. And now I have to live with it, and worse, know what it feels like.

The beauty here is that if I had not come to an energetic space where I feel a deeper level of unconditional love, the Christ consciousness, then I would not feel this at all. So it’s wonderful that I can feel it. It’s wonderful that I feel that type of love for, well, everyone and everything. It’s something I hope to pass on like a virus to everyone else. It’s wonderful that I have developed a deeper sense of empathy, and that I know what consequences my words and actions have on others. But Erin is not here to be with this now version of Me.

But I got her message. In the dream I said ok, and we moved on to other things as we walked to find Dad (Shaun). The next day I pondered it to ensure I got the right idea and I knew I had, and so I told her that I would work on this, but that when I do see her again, I will apologize in person one last time and then I’ll be done with it. It’s important to me to say the words. I don’t need forgiveness. I just need to make amends.

I know I wasn’t a bad person before, but I lacked some degree of empathy and compassion, and understanding. I am grateful to the previous Me for allowing growth and for continuing the growth after our heart was broken. And I am going to try to make amends with my Self. I am not yet sure how to do that or to move forward in a positive way.

Love and blessings, and #missingerin <3

Adios 2017

2017 hasn’t been a great year has it? There have been a lot of trials and tribulations. I suspect that some of that valuable lesson-type material will continue into 2018, but it feels lighter already. I won’t be sad to see 2017 go.

Many of us have been stuck and by stuck, I just mean whatever we are experiencing is stagnant. Many that I know are stuck in stagnant jobs that we no longer enjoy or that are no longer fulfilling, but there aren’t any options that are “better” out there for us to move to. I would say that many are stuck in stagnant relationships, but I’ve seen many of those end. Those that didn’t end have faced revamps that could have ended them too but didn’t. I had quit doing readings years ago, and decided this year to start doing them again. But guess what? I don’t have any clients lol! I’m not saying that as a complaint. It’s a personal acknowledgement about being stagnant in some area. You want to move forward but just can’t for whatever reason. Maybe it’s not divine timing yet.

The messages that myself and others have been getting, loud and clear, is that we need to stop fence sitting and make a decision. That’s a broad, vague thing I know, but it really applies to everything. Tired of people having a lack of empathy? Be kind. And stop staying quiet when you see someone being mistreated. That’s just one example. I suppose taking action in your relationship, career, etc. would fit the same model. Be the change you want to see. But don’t allow nonsense to continue either.

I just wrote about being authentic and have been examining that in a huge way. I was surprised by the huge amount of fear that I felt over “exposing myself.” Like I haven’t previously been exposed! And me, I’m the one you can’t blackmail anyway. I would tell something on myself before I’d let you hold it over me. This is an old, deep fear. I think it came up after reading Witch by Lisa Lister. She talked about the fear that women carry as a collective due to so many of us being burned at the stake for hundreds of years. That was in retaliation for disobeying the patriarchy and such, and for standing in our power. And that is a hugely simplified synopsis but my post here isn’t about that book, just what I am feeling. And what I’m feeling is surprise, and embarrassment, and a whole lot of stuff in regards to being authentically me (and all that it means to be so). It’s leaving me scratching my head and internally screaming WTF, but at the same time I know I have to feel it and follow it to wherever it’s going. I’m safe and it’s ok to revisit this…again.

By the way, if you don’t know Lisa Lister‘s work, I highly recommend. She’s the best sort of feminist out there and I absolutely love her. She made me think about what it means to be female, and that’s a big thing after a lifetime of celebrating my more masculine traits in the old “man’s world.”

On that note, I think 2018 is the year that we walk as equals, celebrating the divine masculine and feminine. We are taking our place in a different way in this world and thus changing it. In 2017 I realized how much women tear each other down rather than build each other up. As women, we take all sorts of abuse, chalk it up as life, then suck it up and keep going. But it’s time that we acknowledge that this isn’t a workable paradigm. In fact, the entire Power Over paradigm is coming to a close. You can see it chipping away in larger and larger chunks every time the shell cracks. The #MeToo movement was huge this year, and so was the recent senate election here in Alabama. This isn’t about male/female, politics or political parties. It’s about humans and how we are and how we treat each other. It’s about kindness and love, empathy and compassion. Kindness and love, empathy and compassion. Rinse and repeat until you get it, then pass it on.

My flow is gone but I want to take a minute to remind everyone that tomorrow is Shaun’s birthday. Feel free to wish him a Happy 47th if he’s on your FaceBook orĀ  you have his phone number, or here of course. Many of you know that we no longer celebrate them, but maybe it might be uplifting for him to know people care. I know it lifts me up – YOU lift me up by caring. Thank you for that.

Still #missingerin and so many others. I am really missing my Aunt Shirley right now, and so want to include her in my closing thoughts. I know she’s hovering around here because I keep feeling her so strongly.

Blessings and love to you <3

 

Musings for 12/28/2017

I’ve actually been musing for several days. So here goes…

I hope that you all had a lovely holiday with your family. I am very adamant about saying holiday as I don’t know what you specifically celebrate. My former celebrations were quite eclectic as time went on and in all honesty, Christmas was always about Santa than anything else anyway. My point is I would rather include all of you in my well-wishes and I wish that others felt the same. I have said before that the idea of political correctness seems to be an attempt to just get people to act nicely to one another. If there wasn’t a need to bring to our attention that we were being assholes, it never would have arisen. But I’ve digressed because I could care less about being politically correct. I just try to be nice.

I have no idea why I just told you that. It wasn’t planned.

Shaun and I are going through some individual and joint changes so to speak. It’s interesting to note that historically, he has focused on the body (physical fitness/health) while I have focused on the mental and emotional bodies (mind/spirit). We are both being shown the importance of nurturing and nourishing the triad and how one affects all three. I am excited that we not only saw the “messages” coming forth, but both decided to act on them. This may be the first time in my life that my partner (any of them) and I were on the same sort of path. I am excited about supporting him and about having his support.

I also have no idea why I told you that either. LOL It must be a trend.

I met up with an old friend on Tuesday. I haven’t seen her in 5 years. The last time we were supposed to meet, I stood her up for lunch and never provided her an explanation why. It was the year my mother had to move in with us. It was stressful, and as you know our whole lives descended into shit after that for multiple reasons. I finally emailed her earlier this year to apologize and give her a brief synopsis of what was going on, and we finally got together.

My friend and I are not very close but we have a bond in that we met each other years ago and at the time, were one of a few on the same type of spiritual path. I actually met her at a New Life Expo that I attended with a former mentor in Ft. Lauderdale, FL and then knew her online after that. I also knew her husband online before he was her husband, and then his job brought them to Huntsville. We tried to get together but it was around the time my mother’s last husband died, and she lived with us for awhile and was, as you know, an alcoholic. So we didn’t get to hang out much. Probably my fault – I was embarrass to a great degree and it was also stressful.

I have no idea why that is important but it seemed relevant to my story so there you have it. It was so refreshing to just talk about whatever came to mind, and know she would understand what I mean with no judgment. She mentioned something similar. Most of us non-traditional folk would just like for you to suspend judgment and consider that maybe you don’t know all there is to know about (insert subject here). That’s not meant in anger. It’s just a fact of life that we live on a daily basis due to having non-mainstream beliefs and ideas.

So we talked for over 2 hours and she asked me some questions about my experiences the past few years that no one else has asked. I appreciated that and it was also interesting to me to ponder those and try to provide an answer. I had teary eyes at times but it was a very comfortable experience.

Now I’m giving you my perspective from a few days of pondering this. That night, I had a dream and I had replaced my face with a hard plastic, purple mask. The mask looked just like my fact TO YOU. But I saw what it really looked and felt like. And when I realized that I had done this, and done it willingly, I was horrified! The rest of the short dream was spent agonizing over how to restore my true face, recreate it, or whatever.

I had no idea what the F when I woke up, but I realized that my subconscious was telling me to stop being two people. It’s time to stop “replacing my face” to make other people comfortable, because I don’t want to be ridiculed, etc. I think there is probably more to it, but at least I got the main message. Since I did not realize that I was still inauthentic, I am not sure how to go about making the right changes but I guess it starts with just being me. I’m tired of worrying if I will offend you, if you will judge me, etc. And I had no idea what a burden it was.

Please keep in mind that when I am saying that I worry if I will offend you and plan to stop, I do not mean in any way that I plan to be offensive in my words or deeds, or treat you badly. What I mean is that I need to be ok with being honest with things like telling people I am not religious or a Christian, which is hard in the geographical area that I live. Even writing that was hard – are you judging me? Some of you probably are. I am not telling you what to be – that’s your decision and business and I bless you on your journey. But if I’m being honest I am going to be wondering who no longer likes me due to my personal beliefs that I just voiced.

And with that fear, my flow is gone. So I guess it’s time to end. See what fear does? It’s ugly and I’m disappointed in myself but it’s a great learning experience that I need to go process.

I love you and wish you many blessings. #missingerin <3