Dec 22

Musings for 12/22/2017

I have had a lot of grief this week. It’s fresh, just like I picked it up from the store yesterday. Of course I do a lot of inner pondering and such, and one of the topics that I mulled over was living in the now. That’s a big thing you know. I actually enjoyed the book The Power of Now by Ekhart Tolle, and have read many things about living in the now vs the past or future. Not that they have not made sense, but they are clearly missing something because they all indicate that things are better if you live in the now. My now isn’t so rosy.

In fact, I realized that right now I am yearning for Erin. So I sometimes do go to the future, when I can be with her again. Or to the past, reliving happy and not so happy moments, and I am miserable about both things done and things that can’t be undone. The now is better than that I suppose, but it still sucks ass. By the way, the future doesn’t bring me any respite either. I can’t control how that turns out, or when it turns out. I will agree that the now is better, but not great. Why can’t anyone provide good advice for missing someone you love that deeply? I’m telling you they can’t, so please no well-meaning advice. I’ve read it all. All of the tenets about attitude and changing your perceptions thus changing your reality blah blah – doesn’t apply here.

Right now I’m thinking back to a comment I got at Erin’s service…a question really…are you having more children? As if that will fix things. UGH.

I honestly cannot think about anyone else that I may even remotely miss right now. It’s too much. The holidays are too much. I want to tell Shaun how absofuckinglutely miserable I am, but I know he is miserable too and I hate to dump that on him. So I tell you. Thanks for listening. I have to get it out here so I don’t ugly cry out in public. I’m on the verge of that again. Been crying in the car for the past week. That’s not great and I hate arriving somewhere with a red puffy face. So I hold it in, which also isn’t great. It ends up spilling over.

I miss Erin right now. And while I assume that I will write again before year end, I may not. I haven’t had it in me until right now.

Please, consider choosing love over everything else in all of your words and deeds. I am haunted by moments where I was unkind and unloving. I’ve told you that before, but yes, 3+ years later I am still in pain over them and I will continue to be.

Please, consider that when you judge someone, you are not being loving. Your words hurt, and your hard heart hurts not only others but you too.

Please put living beings ahead of financial fears and gains. I promise you that life is what matters. Love is what matters. And you really cannot take money with you. But you can take love across all of eternity.

Please remember that you have no idea what someone else is going through, or what makes them say and do the things that they do. Kindness and love from you can turn their day around.

Lastly, please remember that just like hate, Love is contagious. It’s like a virus and you can and should give it to others. It spreads and it’s the anecdote to what ails us. Without love, I would not be here now. It’s a terrible irony but it’s true nonetheless. Without YOUR love.

Blessings from Shaun and I to you, and much love. And always #missingerin <3

Dec 10

Tribute to my Aunt, Shirley Dempsey Stephens

My beloved aunt Shirley shed her body on the evening of December 6, 2017. She died after a short bout of lung cancer that spread to her brain, and complications from her existing COPD. Her decline was fast, and I am thankful for that, having seen people linger – and suffer.

Aunt Shirley was my “cool aunt” from a young age. She was an astrologer and she lived in NYC. She lived on the one side of the George Washington Bridge in a huge apartment building for many years with her only child, my cousin Kim. I always enjoyed her stories. Back then I was less interested in the earlier part of her life and more interested in which rock stars she partied with. I knew she had been to Woodstock, and still loved good rock bands. She told me how her neighbor was Frankie Valli and that he wasn’t very friendly, and how her friend had dated Geraldo Rivera who was a complete ass. She talked to me on a level I could understand about astrology and the esoteric. And she always treated me – and everyone else – like we were the most important people in the world. She never talked down to me because I was a child, and thus I was always glad to get a few moments to speak with her when she visited.

But Aunt Shirley’s early life was just as interesting, and I am fortunate to have gotten more of a snapshot of that in the past few years. She left home (in Mississippi) to be a stewardess for Eastern Airlines in the late 50’s. She told me how they served 5 course meals to the entire plane, how she had to fold up newspapers for each passenger, and how if they deviated even one bit from the dress code (which was quite formal then), they would be reprimanded.

And ladies, she told me about one of her early flights when as she was folding newspapers the pilot came up behind her and grabbed both boobs. Her reflex was to turn around and slap the shit out of him with her newspaper. He had her removed from the flight and it was lucky she wasn’t fired. Yes, that was acceptable back then, but she reacted beautifully didn’t she?

Later she married her first and only husband, Bill Stephens, who was a pilot for Eastern. Their marriage did not last but they remained friends and I got to meet him as an adult before he died. I like that they had remained friends even though the romantic part of their relationship was no longer there. She even took his dog Izzy when he died (which ironically had been his previous wife’s dog, who had also died). Poor Izzy is missing a lot of people at this point.

Sometime in the early 60’s she was recommended to the Kennedy family to be the stewardess on their plane, The Caroline. She said she got a call one evening, was immediately subjected to an FBI investigation, and reported the next morning. She was The Caroline’s stewardess until a few months before Kim was born, and ironically about 6 months before JFK was assassinated. She told me once that Jackie was very nice, that Joan was the nicest of all and gave her a pair of sunglasses. She really thought a lot of both JFK and Robert, but said that JFK did not talk very much so she didn’t know him well. In her later years, she was contacted several times to provide interviews but declined them all. She said she had nothing negative to say about that family and assumed that anything she did say might be twisted.

She told me on one visit about how she felt that JFK and Robert both really wanted to do right by the people. I got to hear the story about when Mississippi was integrated, and Bobby had intended to go down to the capitol to oversee things due to the volatile nature of the day. He gathered the crew together and told them that they could decline because it would be dangerous. But she said to me “I told them that The Caroline was my plane and where she goes, I go.” They never go to to, though, due to death threats against Robert.

We also had a love of intellectual things in common. Aunt Shirley was an expert Words with Friends player, and this fall she taught me how to be a better player. In fact, during one visit, she made me try every available letter and space to get the most possible points! She also taught me how to play defensively, and really enjoyed a good challenge. I already miss her on my WwF game board.

On my last visit, she insisted on giving me some things. Oddly, the one thing I forgot is what comes to mind because I find it funny in a way that is unique to me. She pointed to her book shelf and said “Do you see that metal thing?” Me: Yes Her: Do you know what it is? Me: (studied it a second) The Loch Ness Monster? Her: Yes! Me: (Laughing) How many people give you the correct answer? Her: Not many.

I really could go on and on, but the bottom line was that Aunt Shirley was always a delight, and always made it a point to be cordial and kind to everyone around her. She was still a New Yorker at heart, but mixed with some southern hospitality. I wasn’t able to be there on Tuesday, but even from a hospital bed, she requested one last party. She had her son-in-law get his best bottle of wine and she drank several glasses while some nice people played and sang for her, and friends and family filtered through saying their goodbyes. I hear she even spoke more than once to her former beau who still lives in NYC. They also remained friends, and both said their goodbyes. She was totally lucid then but after she went to sleep that night, she slipped into a coma and then into her next adventure around 8pm the next day.

I didn’t think I had tears left, as I have not truly grieved anyone but Erin. But I have cried for missing her several times already. But I know I’m not the only one who is #MissingShirley .

I love you Aunt Shirley and miss you so much, and I will until we see each other again <3

Dec 05

Musings for 12/5/2017

Today I bring tidings of good cheer. LOL I don’t know where I get this stuff…it just pops into my mind and rolls off of my fingertips here. But truly, I had such a lovely experience today with my Uber drivers to Goddard and back that I want to share.

My first Uber driver was from Congo. I found it interesting that he said simply Congo, but it made sense later when he told me about colonization by Belgium and France, and how one took one side of the river and the other got the other side. His wife is from the other side. He said thank goodness that both countries are French speaking!

It was clear that he was homesick but he talked about how those with a lot of money and power (corporations and other countries too) are using all of the Congo natural resources, and then to buy normal products was very expensive there. He also wondered how if money is gold-backed, then why is his currency (Congo) less than a US dollar when Congo has plenty of gold. Very good questions!

I also found it refreshing that he said he would like to see a “world village” – he had to translate the term he was using from French. What he meant was that everyone could travel anywhere they wanted, but be treated fairly and have enough resources to enjoy life in their homeland.

The driver on my way back was from Ethiopia. Such a nice fellow. He and I talked about snow, but when he heard I was from Alabama he asked if I was going to vote for Roy Moore. Hehe! I said no, and then we talked about sexual assault and all of the allegations that are coming out, etc. The gist of his thoughts were that we are a world leader, but are not providing a lot of leadership and a good example (I agree). He said how 3rd world countries are looking to us for the example to follow. He lamented that in his home country (Ethiopia) girls do not get to choose who they marry. And the men, well, they decide who they want and can force them into marriage. If the girl refuses, they can physically beat them into submission. My driver wasn’t down with this, thankfully, but it emphasized why he really wanted the US to provide a good example to the rest of the world. And he misses home.

I thanked both of them for sharing their experiences and their home counties with me before getting out of the car. It reminded me of why I love meeting people from other places and cultures. The US is not a bad place to live by far, but we are not the only culture in the world worth enjoying and we are not the only country with good, decent people. I got a nice glimpse of that today.

Something else that was clear…these men did not miss their governments. They missed home – the land and the people. There was a clear love there, and something that is probably missing from our capital here in Washington, D.C. Does anyone here love the land? The people? The different cultures around the country? I suspect most do not, based on the types of laws they are passing.

And oddly I guess it points me back to Mamma Earth once again. I have been asking how I can be more of service to her after all. You know, we live on her and we take, take, take and desecrate and decimate the land, water, and air. I’m not exempt from that, but I want to be. I want to heal our planet and our peoples and give back.

That’s all for today. If you are following, Aunt Shirley is still with us but very ill. Her spirits are spectacular as always, though. She’s special that way.

Blessings and #missingerin <3

Dec 04

Musings for 12/04/2017

This time I’m coming to you from Washington, D.C. I arrived at my hotel today and my room wasn’t ready, so I finally ended up eating lunch in the hotel bar and grill. There was a TV on behind me with our President speaking about downsizing some national parks. You know when they do that, it’s so that some big corporation can decimate the land and natural resources for profit. But anyway, I caught what he was saying and then applause. Who applauds gutting the national parks?

That just led to some additional dis-ease and depression that I have been battling all day. I really need to apologize to our Mother Earth for hating being here so much, but Mamma nature, there are some awful people living on you. They are unkind and they make me sad. There is also too much suffering. Almost too much to bear. We continue to adapt for survival but at what cost? What good is living if we have either sold our souls or cut off our connection with them due to the pain we can no longer bear?

My aunt Shirley is not doing very well. She’s doing so poorly that she will never read these words. When she is gone, I will have only one of my mother’s siblings left, and that makes me sad. I know it makes my remaining Aunt sad as well.

I believe that her illness triggered some Erin grief on my drive to the airport in Atlanta this morning. I was deeply sad on my way there. Not immediately sad for aunt Shirley though, because honestly, I only grieve for Erin. I have so much grief over her absence that there just isn’t any room left for anyone else. But that doesn’t mean that additional sadness doesn’t overflow the already full cup sometimes.

Tomorrow I go and eat pizza with my GSFC staff. It’s a small gesture, but one within my power. And perhaps that is the crux of the issue – my issue anyway. I’m powerless to help aunt Shirley. I’m powerless to stop the decimation of the land and the water and the air. I’m powerless to stop mean, unkind people from being the way they are. I was powerless to help Erin, my mother, Greg, uncle Joel, and my father in law Larry.  And there are a few more to add to the list. For Heaven’s sake I think of Lisa Lessard nearly every day. She was so kind to me, and I loved her dearly.

If Love is the answer, I’m just not sure what the point of the question is when those that you love are no longer with you. And I’m certain that those who say “change how you look at things” or “change how you feel” have not experienced any large degree of loss. UGH and SIGH.

Blessings and love, and #missingerin <3

Nov 30

Musings for 11/30/2017

I had a bittersweet day yesterday at my paternal uncle Therrell Hunt’s funeral. I wrote about it the other day, that I had not visited in a long time. It wasn’t as “bad” as I thought, but it was a little uncomfortable here and there as well-meaning people asked “Do you have any children?” and “Where is your daughter?” The first type of question came from people I see once in a blue moon, who were my dad’s age. The second from people I see basically at funerals. They didn’t know any better of course, but I had to confront reality each time. Once I answered “No, I don’t have any children. It’s just me and my husband.” I just didn’t want to go into it, but felt like I was betraying Erin by saying that. Damned if I do or don’t.

For my trip, I bought an audio copy of Witch by Lisa Lister. I also have the “regular” book and just got too busy to finish it. This book is a mixture of rediscovering ancient traditions and also celebrating the divine feminine in all of us. It urges us to “wake the witch.” Did you know that once, long ago, the word witch was a term that described wise women, sages, and healers? Sometime after patriarchy was firmly in place, they demonized the word and strong women. This is not new to me. I did my oral exam for my Master’s degree on misogyny in literature and I’m well-aware of the ages old campaign against the feminine. Anyway, I am loving that book and loving Lisa Lister. #WakeTheWitches

As I drove, and listened to the book, and got lost in my thoughts, I also mulled over all of the truth coming out. The ugly truth. We all say we want the truth, but when it’s ugly, we say oh they must be lying. That can’t be true. Not about that person. (Ugly truth is ok if we dislike the person right? You get where I’m going with that.)

So we have this tidal wave of sexual allegations coming out. Not just that someone had sex, or cheated on their spouse. I mean, who cares really. I care about myself and my own spouse, and what someone else is doing is not relevant to my life. But these allegations are about the use of sex and power as violence against another. Mostly against women, although I acknowledge that men can be affected too. And against children. That’s the ugliest of the ugly.

If you don’t believe a 14, 15, 16, etc. year old person is a child, then I ask you if you have children. And then I’m gonna ask you if an adult man is pursuing or otherwise interacting with your daughter how you’re gonna feel. I know how I feel about it, and I bet we’ll be chasing him down with a pitchfork together no matter what you say right now.

I have mixed feelings about 20 to mid-20 year olds. They are still children too, not physically but mentally. I know I didn’t use good judgment when I was that age. But that’s another topic for discussion on many levels.

Still, I’m glad that light is shining on this ugliness. Fence-sitters can no longer say they didn’t know, or anything else. They have to get off the fence. If you are silent, you are complicit. I also have a theory about just why Donald Trump was elected President. I mean in the grand scheme of things. He has opened a Pandora’s Box of ugliness. He has legitimized hate and hate speech, he is a sexual predator himself, he is unfriendly to women, minorities, he has rolled back environmental protections and things that help the lower and middle class. But really what he is doing is putting this ugliness IN OUR FACE. So I wonder just how long we can collectively look at it and continue to adapt. I hope we say nope, not adapting to that. That’s wrong. That’s unkind and unloving, and we will not stand for it.

Of course, not everyone has a kind and loving heart or the capacity for it. That’s also another conversation, but I know some people will not get on the Love Train. But I also know that train is waiting for as many people to board as possible. I hope it doesn’t get stuck at the station waiting.

As I was writing this today, I got a notification that Jim Nabors has died. You know – Gomer Pyle, USMC. I loved Gomer and loved Jim Nabors and for those of you who don’t know it, he was from Sylacauga, AL. I’ve driven through there countless times on my way to Auburn on Hwy 280. Sort of makes me sad…sadder.

I guess it’s fitting to mention that those people that we liked so well, that gave us so much joy in whatever way, those that may have fallen from a pedestal now…it’s ok to still like their work. It’s ok to value the joy you got from them before. It’s also ok to say “Hey, that behavior is not ok. You need to make amends. We insist that you make amends, and we will not cut you any slack.” And then grieve the loss of the icon that you once held so dear. It’s ok.

In love, and with blessings, and #missingerin <3

Nov 27

Musings for 11/27/2017

We made it through Thanksgiving. It’s one step ahead, then two steps back. For me anyway. I can be very personally self-destructive.

I can’t blame all of my personal issues on missing Erin, but it certainly does not help. Doing some self-reflection, I have a little bit of anger over still having little bits of anger. I’ve been angry most of this lifetime, mostly because I felt I was cheated out of a childhood. And so my biggest forms of self-destruction come when I demand play time and procrastination above anything else that is meaningful and of value. In other words, instead of being the adult I revert back into a bratty child who wants it her way or the highway.

Self-reflection is a difficult thing to do. Sitting there with yourself and all of your flaws and pain can be overwhelming. If you are a beginner to clearing and dealing with your emotional angst, I highly recommend making a list of your “issues” and dealing with them one at a time. I also have the lovely habit of diving in head first, and thus am a glutton for punishment. Don’t do that to yourself if you can help it.

The good news, I guess, is that I am finding myself at a new level of understanding and of knowing where I want to be in this now. So I am going to make a few lifestyle adjustments and self-improvements to nurture me (and thus all relationships and life in general).

One of my procrastination habits bit me in the ass this morning when I found out my uncle Therrell died. I have not visited in 4 years or so, or don’t remember when. I used to make those visits with Erin but it’s soooo hard to go visit family without her. I have had to do it obviously but I pretty much go when I have to, not because I want to. And that is no reflection on them whatsoever. It’s just that even nice moments, and especially long drives, are painful reminders of who is not there with me. But obviously I also miss out on spending time with people I would like to spend time with. I am doing the best I can, but that doesn’t mean I wish I could or would do better. I’m really sorry that I did not get to say goodbye.

I really did not realize how much of a dour tone my being is vibrating at today. I guess it’s appropriate to reflect at this time in our calendar year, though, and make changes for a better Me/You/Us next year. Love and blessings, and #missingerin <3

Nov 12

Musings for 11/12/2017

I have a lot of changes going on inside of me and don’t know where to start, but I feel like I want to try and quantify it in some way so here I am.

I just published an article, the first I’ve written in a very long time. It probably wasn’t my best work and the subject matter was a little tricky to pin down, but I was pleased with it. And I think it’s important stuff. During some of my recent soul growth it dawned on me that if I continued to approach life, for lack of a better word, through 3rd dimensional thought process then 3rd dimensional results were exactly what I was going to get in return. I guess that is fine if you are approaching driving to a destination for dinner, but for some other things it has just become problematic for those of us on a quest for spiritual enlightenment. We live in physical bodies and we are on a 3rd dimensional planet and yet think of something such as manifestation. ..it’s not a 3D concept is it? Nope. So why would we go about it focusing only on our 3D mind processes? Not going to work, unless you already have a penchant for the quantum processes that go along with it.

I did not use that example in my article by the way. I just came up with it and while I like it, it also reminds me that I am struggling for the correct language to quantify those thoughts. I can say that it really changed my view of integrity. I’ve been struggling with that one for awhile. I guess read the article lol and hopefully I communicated clearly.

I’ve also been getting some very strong dream state messages which unfortunately leave me upset as I wake up. I know they are specific messages and I need to decode them, but the dream state situations leave me waking up to more loss. And even if the loss didn’t deal with Erin, well, of course that’s the first thing my conscious mind goes to as I wake up. I feel that loss more deeply than anything else, but additional loss just adds insult to injury. I reached out to a friend, whose name popped in when I asked for guidance, and hopefully she can help me discover what I need to know. If she does, I’ll share it with you later this week.

Don’t you love the truth that is coming to light though? I know a lot of it is awful and painful, but I love that it’s coming out and people are not being trampled anymore to keep quiet. I have always been the truth teller around my house and it was never popular. I wished so many times that I could have just kept my mouth shut because speaking it created ugly consequences for me (even as recently as this year). Thankfully I have never had to come out against someone rich and powerful, though, or had my reputation smeared or career ruined as a result. So many have, and hopefully that will not be the norm anymore.

I know that sometimes people tell lies, and some of this dirty laundry is likely not true or only partially true. But that is going to happen while we as humans find a balance. Those liars are just as bad as those who have used money and influence – and sex – as violence against others, and it will come back on them. So will those who are “victim blaming” have that blow up in their faces. The age of power over others is coming to a close. Raise your glass, say hallelujah, or whatever you to do give thanks because we are witnessing a huge event for humanity as a whole!

One of the issues that I cannot objectively examine, though, is anything having to do with children being abused. Adults who use their power and influence to harm children – and yes 14 years old is a child, and so is 16 – they are the lowest of the low. So are those who protect them. I admit I cannot objectively view them and will admit that here. I have no kind words for them.

Women, children, even animals treatment and rights are in the forefront now. No more fence sitting folks! It’s a new day and even if it’s painful, we are making great progress through the shedding of fear and loving ourselves and others. I am grateful for that. <3

#missingerin and many blessings.

Oct 31

Musings for 10/31/2017

I was going to post Erin’s last Halloween picture, but I couldn’t find it easily and gave up. This picture is from a 2014 A New Leash on Life FaceBook post, and includes a bunch of decorations that we donated. We only kept the things that were near and dear to us and to her.

It was terribly dismaying this morning when I woke up and saw the date. I wasn’t prepared for the sadness that it would bring, and no matter how much I move “forward” I am still stuck in unimaginable grief. It’s even unimaginable to me if you can believe that. Completely unreal and confusing.

It just occurred to me that her Halloween photo is probably on MissingErin.net but I just can’t open it up and look. Feel free to go browse for Clawdine Wolf (Monster High). I hope I got her name right. It’s been 4 Halloweens ago now…

As Erin got older I started educating her about the ancient roots of many things, Halloween being one of them. Most people – ok, many people – don’t know that Halloween was originally Samhain, which is pronounced saah-win or saa-ween (it’s Irish Gaelic). Samhain is thousands of years old and you can go read about it here. When Christianity moved into an area, they typically appropriated the local customs and holiday’s into their construct. It was the easiest way to recruit the natives and so where we once had Samhain, now we have Halloween.

This happens a lot and by this I mean people taking over ancient customs or symbolism and making them their own. Sometimes it has a positive result and intent and sometimes not. A current example of “not” is a white supremist group changing their symbol from a Nazi swastika to an Elder Futhark Rune.  I believe they are using Othala, which translates to ancestral property. Also note that I mentioned the Nazi swastika and not just swastika. The swastika is an ancient symbol (like 12,000 years old!) that was perverted by the Nazi’s. You can read more about the original swastika here.

I’m also reading a fabulous book entitled Witch – Unleashed. Untamed. Unapologetic. by Lisa Lister. It talks about the original meaning of the word witch, which was basically wise woman. They were healers, sages, mothers, leaders and so much more. Then at some point in the patriarchy, women became dangerous and were blamed for every bad thing imaginable. Did you know that 13000 women were killed during the totality of the “witch trials?” Neither did I. That was the lynch pin for women to become subservient to men and fit in a box of what men thought they should be like, do, and look like. Oh, I also didn’t know that the word virgin originally meant a woman who was unowned by a husband. Basically a woman in her own power. Oh, and yeah, if you didn’t know marriage was a ceremony to transfer ownership of you, it’s time you did some reading.

That was a huge paraphrase but it’s an excellent book. Don’t let the word witch put you off. Reclaim the word. In fact, let’s reclaim everything that’s been perverted, subjugated, enslaved, etc. and so forth.

Everything that I am now, I have had to reclaim. I could have laid down and died when Erin’s body did, but I chose instead to soldier on to a better version of me and I’m taking the world with me to meet her in the higher realms. I know you can make the journey too, if you choose to.

Much love and please send me some. I will need it as we hide from trick-or-treater’s tonight. It makes us sad 🙁

#missingerin <3

 

 

Oct 17

Musings for 10/17/2017

Yesterday was my mother Linda’s birthday. She would have been 74 years old, and in the picture she was 71 (her last birthday). I was going to post in her honor yesterday but was bummed about the date so held off until today. Mom loved parties and having a good time, so next time you are out make sure and raise a drink to her.

It is hard to describe the change in my overall feelings and demeanor in the past few weeks, but the clarity that my latest studies in spiritual things have given me is a big factor. Erin’s message constantly told me to believe and suddenly I am immersed in information that adds to my belief. I guess I got a reprieve from the doubt that plagued my 3D mind and heart on a constant basis and have “evened out.” Not much else has changed. I still tell her good morning and good night and how much I miss her (several times a day, many times with tears).

Over the past week we have also painted “Mom’s” bedroom and bath. In her right mind, she would really like the color (Sherwin Williams Garden Sage for the bedroom and Whole Wheat for the bath). I also polished her furniture up good, but took down her pictures that remained. She had a sort of tapestry from Ireland that was a recipe for Irish Coffee that I moved to my media room, and I am going to rehang my grandma and grandfather. I had the picture framed for her when we moved her to this house in 2013 and it’s a nice picture of them, but she had pictures on every square inch of wall space during her time here due to the dementia, so they were sort of badly hung.

We also had a lovely man paint our fence. You’d think that was no sentimental value, but it was last painted when we bought the house. Which makes me think of Erin. And Mom. But at least it looks nice.

I am well-aware of the changes in energy that a paint job bring, and cleaning. If you feel heaviness just spring clean and paint and you will feel better in no time at all. It keeps the energy moving and moves the old energy out.

I also re-appropriated a table I had bought her for her records and player. I plan to use it for altar space to put my “precious” or “pretties” on and am excited about that. The fact that it was used for music is interesting. I guess the harmonics called out to me! LOL

Otherwise, though, the outlook is bleak. I found out a high school friend was beaten with a baseball bat outside of a local bar two nights ago and is in the hospital waiting for brain surgery. An extended family member (who I don’t know well but is a nice person) has an inoperable aneurysm, and my mother in law broke her ankle. I’ve already told you my Aunt has cancer, and another Aunt by marriage died recently.

This suffering is not reality. I choose to believe it is an illusion and that Love is the key. I have recently been able to feel better because I had the clarity to realize I had to love myself, the Self that had done the best she could at the time (whenever/wherever that was). If you don’t have the strength to love you, then start by loving another. Beam your love out and it will come back. It has come back to me and kept me going and made me a better person. It changes you.

As with all of these, I have no idea why I wrote all of this to you today. I hope you weren’t bored. I was a little bored, but again, have no idea why those topics poured out. Blessings and love <3 #missingerin

Oct 14

Musings for 10/14/2017

I have not been excited about anything, truly, in a long time. So I thought first I would share with you something I colored in from my adult coloring book. I did this a few weeks ago but just could not get excited about it at that time.

I keep reading that being creative will actually spark a creative process, which is a process of growth in some ways, within. So I got out the book and colored. And come to think of it, afterward, I managed to read 2.5 books (I haven’t read in the past year. I used to read voraciously.).  First I read Magenta Pixie’s two books (top two on the link), then I began on Dr. Suzanne Lie’s new book called Preparing for First Contact. Even after all of these years of being a seeker and such, I am learning new things.

So I’m excited that I am learning and also excited that what I’m learning explains things I had been shown but did not yet understand. For one, I now understand that I have so much trouble communicating some ideas is because I cannot yet bridge the higher concept with the dense, 3rd dimensional concept. In fact, I came up with several examples just now to provide for you but couldn’t even come up with a basic one that I could explain properly. Perhaps the best way I can put it for now is the difference between mind-sense and then adding heart-sense. Like if I make you a loan of $50 in 3D, I may want you to pay me back with interest because “that’s how things are done and it’s fair.” But when I’m using my heart, maybe I don’t care if you pay me back and joyfully accept a barter, or simply your gratitude, in return. That’s a pretty vague example but again, it’s hard to bridge this in my mind just yet.

One of the concepts that Suzanne Lie talks about is those who are Power Over and those who are Power Within. Historically I’ve heard those called Service to Self and Service to Others, respectively. A way to describe those in 3D would be “Me, me, me” and “I am uplifted when I can help uplift you.” Again, English just doesn’t seem to cover it but that’s the best I can do.

If you are wondering when they plan to land, they don’t in the 3rd dimensional Earth frequency. No one needs more dense fear or war or anything of that sort. But don’t worry, just because you don’t know that you are evolving out of a 3D consciousness doesn’t mean you aren’t. Plenty of every day people are growing and changing and don’t even know they are doing it. They may just know that they are the best Self they have ever been, or that they feel more love towards the world than they used to. Those are very good signs. And if you should ever some to a space where you do feel fear about the changes you experience, or anything else, that’s why there are people like me. We went first so that we could help you later, if you want or need us.

And so, it may sound a little weird but here goes…Missing Erin has opened the door for me to seek and learn many things. Many times I learn at night in dream time via my other selves and/or astral body. When I saw my “reunion” with Erin, it was in a higher dimensional Earth. I had retained my memories so I knew what “had happened” but I was reuniting with her higher version of self. I also recently saw my mother, who was completely healed and the best Self I had ever seen her. It was in “my house” but again, I now understand that this was in a higher frequency space. She took time to explain to me how to not be too excited when I saw or touched her, or I would wake myself up or lose her frequency (meaning she would fade out of my field of vision). She then explained how I would see her more and more until one day we would exist in the same space again. She actually took a lot of time (for a dream) to explain this, but that was the gist of it. And after reading my books lately, I now know that I’m being prepared for these times to come and when they do happen, I will understand. I also know that the “crazy” versions of her that I was seeing for about 2 years after her death were lower, astral versions of herself. She apparently finally integrated the experiences and became whole. It was so nice to see her and I should mention that all of the Earth-experienced trauma between us was healed in an instant BECAUSE I CONNECTED TO HER WITH OUR HIGHER VERSIONS OF SELF. There was no 3D Earth baggage whatsoever.

I should also mention that I asked my guides this past year “where do we go when we die?” and that instant they showed me myself waking up on a ship. Oddly enough, that’s basically what Sue Lie’s book says. I was not looking for that information. It was just there and adds to the confirmations that I have gotten over the past 3 years that the information I am receiving is correct, or at least that I have heard it correctly.

And oh, maybe most importantly this week, I listened to a lovely talk by Polona from Ascension Pioneers about embracing something versus allowing it. She noted that you do not have to embrace everything. Everything is not right for you, and she pointed out that the New Age movement sort of made that idea popular. But you can allow other ideas and things, if for no other reason than they exist. I would say that the only exceptions are that I do not allow violence in my space, although I know it exists. It’s not OK to hurt others or allow yourself to be hurt. Although in a world based on Unconditional Love that wouldn’t even be an issue. Our 3D Earth is not such a place, and so we still have to teach and advise in 3D terms so that people understand to take care of themselves.

There are so many thoughts coming in and out and honestly there’s no focus, so I’m ending this here. I also want to mention though that my baby Nicholas visited me in dreamtime this week for a very short moment. I haven’t seen him in a very long time. He was larger, and furrier, but otherwise the same. I told someone in the room with me that I had him since I was 12 years old and only when they pointed out that was impossible did my 3D mind kick in and re-invent him as another cat. So you see the difference between the 3D mind and the higher mind. I knew him but allowed myself to not believe. It was a good lesson.

Much love and #missingerin <3