Musings for 10/9/2017

Hoping that this doesn’t come out like garbledygook. I have no idea why that was **the** word to use but it is. I heard it in my mind twice, so there you go. And look – it’s already garbled.

I also was nudged to use an image from my media library and without knowing what, I found this. Every time that I become lost again, and I am right now, I ask for answers. The answer is always Unconditional Love.

It’s really a shame, you know, that we have to discover this at all. It’s also a shame when you finally get it and you are missing someone, or you look out into the world and see the dysfunction, hate, and fear. So much that you can share with them yet on their journey, they can’t be told. They also have to discover it.

FAST FORWARD to 10/9 (from 10/4)! Well, I got interrupted just as I was going to finish prior to going out of town and never came back to this. But as I re-read it, it was a good message so I left it here with love <3

This is really an apropos message anyway, because over the past several days I have looked inside and out more intently. It’s public so I will say that my Aunt Shirley has lung cancer with lesions in her brain. We don’t know what the outcome will be. She is 81 but that should be no measure on whether a life is over or not, and she says she’s not quite done. So as we support her, I am also having the discomfort of having to hear and see a lot about cancer. As you know, we did not know that Erin had cancer but she more than likely did (autopsy found it, finally, but it was inconclusive). This has brought up a lot of “why didn’t I know” and “I could have saved her with this” and such. It exhausts me to think about it so I try not to.

At least I have a renewed focus on being the best me that I can so that I can meet Erin wherever she is, or as “low in frequency” as she can come down. For those who this might confuse, everything vibrates. All matter and all anti-matter, it vibrates at a rate or frequency. Even things within our known world have a vibration or frequency. Those are the same thing as a harmonic and that’s important. So cancer vibrates at a very low frequency, much lower than the human body for instance (at health), and so that’s why it’s a DIS-ease. God was said to have created with the Word – Sound – and those Words would have vibrated at a frequency that brought specific things (specific harmonics/sounds/words) into being. When we shed our 3D bodies, no matter where you believe we “go,” our souls vibrate at a higher frequency and go to a time/space that is appropriate. Forgive my layman and very brief description of this.

Anyway, in order to move along so to speak, we need to raise our frequency and we do this via emotion i.e., our emotional frequency. Part of that has to do with clearing away old hurts and baggage, anger, etc. Part has to do with how we FEEL about things and people, with the idea to achieve Unconditional Love or the Christ Consciousness. I have come to the conclusion that only recently did our physical vehicles gain the ability to do that. Think of it as upgrading your hardware so that you can load (for instance) Windows 10. Your old hardware could not run it even though it was great hardware. The hardware is our body and DNA is sort of like the firmware. DNA is nothing but photons…light! So we upgrade our physical hardware and then we can do a firmware update (DNA). Think of that as software that tells your hardware what to do. Now you can load Windows 10 and you have a completely new set of abilities (programs) and tools (apps) at your disposal. It takes a bit to get used to but voila! You’re ready to rise.

I have no idea why I am writing about this today. It would probably be more helpful if I put this into an actual article vs train of thought but it must be timely information of my fingers wouldn’t be typing it. And I guess that’s all because the train of thought is gone. Hmmm… Well, next time then <3

Blessings and #missingerin <3

Musings for 9/28/2017

I stopped writing for awhile, at least regularly, as things were just bottled up inside of me. One thing I learned during this period, though, was that I absolutely had to sit with what I was feeling and stop running from it. That took a lot for me to do, as even the idea of having sit with so much grief causes me pain.

We are extremely grateful for the neighbors and friends who put on the Go for the Gold event honoring Erin, Sam Harmon, and two other children whom I don’t know (one of whom lived through his ordeal). However, the days leading up to the event took an emotional toll. I plan to share more about the event later on, when I’m feeling up to it. Anyone who is experiencing grief will tell you that the days leading up to a date are much worse than the date itself. They weigh on you, tearing you apart with memories and feelings of dread. What should be happy times can turn into minute by minute nightmares. Then the day comes and it’s in no way as bad as what led up to it. I was pleasantly distracted that day and managed to keep most of my emotions in check at the times I was not distracted. Anyway…

I woke up one day last week and realized that some large layer of grief was simply gone. That is not to say that it is over but it was…changed. I know that my decision to dive back in to the sea of grief inside of me had a lot to do with that. Unfortunately, I have become embarrassed about it. I feel like you all want me to get over it. None of you have made me feel that way. It’s just that all of you have moved on with your lives and I am stuck a moment of great despair. So I feel different, exposed, vulnerable. I have felt this way all along but have also grown frustrated with it. So my perceptions about you, they are a mirror of me. I feel exposed writing about this right now. As if I am doing something wrong.

Thankfully I have had some intellectual realizations this past week as well. I have followed this lovely lady called Magenta Pixie on YouTube now for about 3 years. I found her right after, but it wasn’t until lately that I began really getting the gold nuggets out of her work. She has two books published that I bought recently and anyway, one of the most profound things I got out of book 1 was that it’s perfectly ok to feel negative emotions. Ok, I knew that. But as I’ve voiced here before, I was tired of feeling bad about feeling bad. I was tired of hearing that my negative, low vibe was keeping me from advancing spiritually. I knew that could not be right but just could not feel my way through that. Sure, low vibrational people do not advance spiritually per se, but I just can’t help how I feel you know? So tired of hearing (which I did just the other day) that the key is inside of me, or something like that. Basically telling me to change my thoughts and get over it. Whatever folks. Doesn’t work that way, but I just could not find the answers that I needed to move through it.

I want to digress just a moment though, and mention the PTSD that I have had for 3 years now. I also want to mention that it is a LIFE REVIEW. All of that stuff they say happens at the time of death when you cross over – it is happening to me in this life. It is the same as PTSD though, and while I may pursue that in contemplation later I won’t for now.

Those review moments, they have showed me specific moments that I could have done better. Times that I said harsh words, was unfeeling and uncaring, even mean and many moments of anger. They hurt me deeply, and even more so these past few months. Some I see over and over. Some are new and surprise me. But I realized last week that I feel them so much more deeply than I have ever before – why? And why for heaven’s sake could I not feel that same depth of emotion when Erin was still alive? (I have them for others too, but I focus on Erin.)

I’ve also mentioned here that I had been pondering that up until our recent linear time that maybe we did not have heart chakras developed enough to feel any real, deep emotion. Just shallow stuff. It has to do with the Christ Consciousness descending into our body/mind/spirit now. I also did not understand where I was going with that, as I could not explain it, nor could I explain really what I was even getting at. I guess I was meant to understand it though, and I do now through those review moments and the feeling that accompanies them.

So anyway, I realized that I did not have the capacity to FEEL what I feel now, then. While I am so sorrowful over that, I have learned from it. And Erin came to me briefly not too long ago and said that I needed to be ready, I needed to understand and clear all of that stuff. I have to get it and be whole. She gives me these little tidbits, and then emotion kicks in and I can’t see or hear her anymore, but I got the gist. And I got the point last week during a particularly low moment. I can no longer beat myself up for something I did not have the ability or capacity for, and I am in the process of letting that go.

It doesn’t mean that I am not sorry. I am, deeply sorry. But the Me that was then is not the Me that is now. I am thankful for that despite the painful journey it has been. I have learned, mostly understood it, and need to find a way to let myself off the hook for what old Me was and did. I tell Erin I am sorry every time one of these sorts of things come up, and I just want to look her in the eye and tell her one day. I don’t need forgiveness, just to make amends once and for all.

Other than the way I am feeling, I believe I am making progress. I did a tarot reading for myself 2 days ago and pulled these lovely cards…

The draw was originally Body/Mind/Spirit. But that didn’t make sense to me after I analyzed the cards. I realized that The Chariot was what Magenta Pixie calls Bodymind, as they are really one and the same. The Lovers is sort of a bridge between that and Spirit, which is King of Swords.

The Chariot represents will. You know, where there’s a will there’s a way. It also speaks of balance with the two horses (white/black) and the wheel in the middle representing the 4 elements. She holds a staff ripe with power. But the balance indicates discipline to govern the brute force of will. I have to “reign in” the Bodymind and keep it moving in the direction that I need to go.

The Lovers, well that’s just plain balance and yes, love. This card has all sorts of symbolism (enlarge it if you’re able – it’s embedded into all of the greenery, etc.). But what most stands out at me is the white deer, or hind as they call it. That is Erin. The night Erin’s body died, we pulled up at the hotel in Birmingham and it was very late, like 2am. There was a deer right there by the door eating something or other. I was in a terrible state of mind but I knew she sent it. She knew I would notice it and I did. She’s the bridge that has brought me from where I was to where I am now, and where I’m going.

The King of Swords…well Kings represent maturity in all things, as well as social responsibility (they take care of their people). Swords themselves speak of truth – cutting to the truth. While that is the foremost symbol for me, the Druid Craft guide indicates intellect and decision making. I suppose my spirit Self is finally taking the helm and leading me into my now and future destiny. Finally. You can look at these 3 cards as a progression into a spiritual maturity also.

Don’t worry, I’m not so brazen as to declare I’m there or done. I know that it’s about the journey. I pulled new cards today though that tells me I got it. I hope to marinate here a bit and really, really get it.

Here’s to you getting it to, whatever it is. Love and blessings, and #missingerin <3

Musings for 9/15/2017

If you don’t know who the fellow in the various pictures is – the guy having his liver eaten by an eagle – it’s Prometheus. He was chained and had to endure the eagle eating his liver daily (he was immortal, and it would regenerate each night). This was a punishment for giving humans the element of fire.

Although he was eventually freed by Heracles (Hercules), and the death of Chiron, he endured this torture for many years. Eons maybe. Day in and day out he endured the hell that was having his liver eaten and being chained to the same spot. Stuck if you will. Alone.

I’ve decided to use different depictions of Prometheus on days that I feel like I imagine he felt. Which is every day lately. Honestly I’d rather have my liver eaten. It’s too bad that some malicious, or even benevolent, god can’t arrange that for me in lieu of the hell that is my daily existence.

You would think that I would have understood by now that all of the distraction I create on a constant basis is an effort to not be present in my now. In my body. I apologized to my body for this yesterday. It’s not my body’s fault that I hate being tethered to it, hate having to feel human emotions. The truth is that I wouldn’t have it any other way. I understand the value of feeling, of emotion, and how it informs logic and any other process going on with a being of any kind. So I am trying to be present, but being present just sucks.

I’m also revisiting an eons old issue – abandonment. Yep, eons. Even if you personally don’t believe in past lives, I think you will agree with me that 46 years equates to “eons” LOL. As a baby I felt emotionally abandoned (discovered through much regression and energy work), then at age 4 my father died and “left” me. By age 7, my mother was leaving me to go elsewhere all the time and had further emotionally abandoned me. This cycle repeated many times over my lifetime in various relationships and situations. Different shit, same root issue/trigger.

The interesting thing I have observed is that I actually like alone time, and that the more emotionally mature that I grow, the more people leave. The closest ones through death, which is very permanent, at least here in 3D earth.

I’ve done many regressions, visited many important lifetimes and events, and this is a theme that runs through them all. But I believe that I started my human journey by leaving those close to me to better understand what it is to be human. I’ve determined that to be human means to suffer. Our game is not set up to win, and it’s not in any way fair. And we have no control over any of it. We can’t even turn the game off and start over.

If, as I’ve read many times, I will one day be on the “other side” and everyone will say “You were never alone!” … I think I will give them the middle finger. I mean c’mon guys. WTH.

So I guess I even abandon myself by not staying present, not being able to stand being in the body. I even write here in an effort (at least sometimes) to expel pain and sorrow. And Body, I’m sorry for that, but I don’t know what else to do. This place is hard enough, but if you have a developed emotional body it’s almost unbearable even on good days. By the way, I theorize that in the past few decades, we as humans on earth have developed our emotional bodies to the point where the suffering is killing us. Or else we fill our time with Kardashian’s and other useless shit to take our minds off how shitty our lives are. If you ever wonder why people do that, or why they drink, or skydive or whatever gives them a numb or a thrill. It’s because they are miserable. Maybe not all of the same levels of miserable, but at least some level. We need to blow off steam, take our minds off of stuff, and sometimes just drown our misery in something that takes us away from our existence even if for a moment.

If there is any positive in this, it’s that by developing our emotions we now have a great capacity for love. The unconditional sort that was so obviously confusing a few thousand years ago when the Christed beings started incarnating, like Jesus and Buddha, to tell us about it. We must be slow on the uptake because a couple thousand years is a long damn time. But we have the capacity now, and having experienced it once you will almost always choose it and the pain that comes with it. We still live in a world of duality so it’s a package deal.

I started this earlier and had to come back to finish it, but you’ll be pleased to know that I’ve been in misery all day. Maybe not pleased, but at least you know I didn’t exaggerate about the utter misery that is my daily life.

I’m off to find dinner and watch the Defenders on Netflix. Their lives suck too but at least they have a purpose and can help the downtrodden. See you all tomorrow at the Go for the Gold event. I’ll have my best smile on and so will Shaun. It will at least be heartwarming to see our dearest friends there supporting us and remembering Erin.

#missingerin <3

 

Musings for 9/12/2017

I’m in that time and space where I cannot seem to communicate with any ease. That includes emails, texts, and messages. So if you got something from me that you felt was off, or short, or anything else unusual, I just can’t get it out in a fashion that’s user friendly. Sorry.

Deep depression doesn’t seem to accurately describe my inner landscape. It’s a constant burning feeling. You all know my thoughts – this is hell – and yes, it seems eternal. I continue to have the “life review” moments and I admit that I judge myself harshly. I both failed and passed the tests in the sense that my actions and reactions have sucked, but I understand the lessons now. I will continue to have more “tests” to see if I can get it right but I’m 75% of the way there. I know I haven’t been who I wanted to be. I cannot bear another lifetime in this place to do it again.

I suspect that at some point my Soul Self boasted about how I could do this, it would be easy, blah blah. That always backfires on me and I don’t know why I do it. Karma is such a bitch, it makes a person afraid to have any confidence in their abilities. Or perhaps I cross the line from confidence to hubris? That’s what took down Achilles. It’s possible, but then I apparently don’t know where that line is.

What I do know is that I realized that I have been completely and utterly lying to myself, and thus to you. Changing my thoughts did change how I felt in the moment, but those moments were a lie. They were me fooling myself into thinking I was moving past the sadness. I was just running from it, and it caught me. I promise you that I cannot go lower. Or maybe I can.

I listen to a lot of uplifting spiritual shit. I read a lot. I actually still have very strong beliefs that should make me feel better about things, but they don’t. Nothing that might help you out of normal despair helps someone who misses their child. Forget the memories of her dying. The missing her is what is killing me.

You can tell me I have a terrible attitude and I do. You would too. I’m tired of hearing that, I’m tired of hearing that I won’t be able to raise my vibration if I am in the low vibration of grief all the time. That she wouldn’t want me to be sad. That I can feel better if I just see the positive in each moment instead of the negative. That I have “complicated grief” and need solutions. Nothing addresses grieving your child. Not even grief related stuff helps with this one.

I am sad. I am miserably sad. I do not feel any better than I did 3 years ago. In fact I feel worse. I am not going to get over this. I will never be the same. I will never have true joy or happiness. Every day is agony. Any moment I don’t display this outwardly I am putting on a show. Not for you – mostly for me. My life is completely meaningless as I move forward day by day. And I have no idea how to feel any better.

I have no idea how to feel any better. My fellow child-loss grievers, I have no words of wisdom for you except find a bunch of short-term band aids and affix them as needed.

So I don’t know – I’m giving in or giving up. Maybe there is no difference between the two. I feel like a failure for wallowing but I don’t know what else to do. So wallow I will.

#missingerin <3

Musings for 8/27/2017

Grieving never ends. It doesn’t matter what I am doing in the moment, something always brings me back to Erin. It’s usually inconvenient, and always unpleasant. For awhile – all month for sure – I’ve been pushing it down and back. How I have felt this weekend, though, is proof that it’s there regardless of what my mind and body are doing to keep it locked away. I’m deeply depressed, and I have a ton of anxiety. The anxiety is spilling into my physical body to the point I can’t sit still, concentrate, or even settle down to go to sleep.

You would think that I would step up my game with yoga, meditation, etc. but nope, I step away from those things the worse that I feel. I bet many of you do too. People looking in from the outside probably do not understand this but the best that I can tell you is that at some point, you become so raw inside that the best you can do is just shield yourself from everything and just exist. It’s like you are on fire and you just have to wait for it to burn out. I can’t speak for everyone who is depressed but I know I can speak for those who have lost their children, and many who have lost others who meant that much to them.

Spiritual and religious help falls short. Very short. It really doesn’t matter if we are eternal beings, or that our soul/self continues after the body dies, or anything else you can think of. It doesn’t matter because we are in physical bodies on a physical plane of existence, and we are experiencing separation from someone that we love so much that we would rather give our own lives for theirs. Or be physically dead with them. It’s unbearable at best and I can’t even describe the worst with words.

I have no point in writing today other than to express, and to tell others who are feeling poorly that you are not alone. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to be however you need to be in this now.

Love, and blessings, and #missingerin <3

Musings for 8/25/2017

Many of you are worried about yourself, friends, or family in the south Texas area where Harvey is destined to land. From a 3D human perspective that is completely normal and probably borne out of great love. I’m so thankful that you have those that you love and thus worry about! But please, let me offer you a different perspective on this and other natural disasters.

Let me also be clear that I’m not talking about man-made nature events that might be the result of HAARP, or other weather modification techniques here. I don’t feel like Harvey is anything unnatural, and my feeling is bolstered by this image of where the waters will affect land.

That’s smack along the coast where the oil refineries are! It’s polluted, and also encompasses a great deal of the area affected by the BP oil spill several years ago. The Gulf has suffered in multiple ways because of that alone, and the daily pollution and processing of oil doesn’t help things. I sense a deep cleansing, and it feels appropriate.

But hey, no one wants loss of life or additional hardship. Please, if you are in the danger zone please leave and go somewhere safe. I’m not afraid of death, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to chug some Draino and not expect to die. Use your hearts and minds to find a safe place and then be on board with the highest outcome if you can muster that.

Speaking of highest outcome…how do you know that  destruction isn’t the highest outcome? I had some deep thought about that idea just the other day. People are so fearful and they assume anything considered “bad” is not the highest outcome. Maybe all of the meditation and “intervention” that we do to hold off these things just prolong them, throwing a wrench in the cosmic system. Or maybe we have no influence over them at all, but delay our own advancement by staying wrapped up in judgment and fear. Just food for thought.

Water is both a natural way of cleansing for our planet and also represents it energetically. Large amounts of water represent the collective unconscious, the emotional sea that we are all a part of. Did our collective unconscious decide it was time for a cleanse? Maybe. I like to consider all sorts of ideas and then see how it plays out.

I was also going to mention Sekhmet and Kali, but then water isn’t typically associated with either of them. It has long been known that “destruction” is needed to make way for “creation.”  One door closes and another opens. Our Human selves don’t like it, but sometimes it is indeed necessary.

I think that all of us spiritual warriors need to put our faith in the process, and then be there to help when the process has completed. In the meantime, use your Human knowledge and wisdom to get out of harm’s way. And for heaven’s sake, stand in awe of the process and the wonder of nature. I know we forget to do that a lot of times <3

It seems like there was more but that’s the end of my flow. Peace and blessings! #missingerin <3

Update 8/31/2017: Annandi Astrology Blog posted this, almost exactly what I was saying but more detail! Enjoy!

Musings for 8/24/2017

I am still seeing and hearing about the Unity theme that was brought in by the eclipse. I had some body work done yesterday and my practitioner told a lovely story about watching the eclipse from her front yard (partial – here in HSV). She noticed a man who had been cutting a nearby yard driving and wondered “I wonder if he is going to watch the eclipse?” At that very moment he came to a screeching halt, asked if he could watch with them and borrow their glasses to watch! So they watched the rest of the eclipse with this stranger in their yard. She had also noticed the unity theme, but I really loved her story. We also laughed at how the energy must have magnified her thoughts so that this man could hear her! LOL

Another theme I have heard is change. People felt changed, or sensed change. And that is the point…it doesn’t matter if there was any tangible change. It’s all about moving into FEELING folks, and feeling change or changed, will effect change. When that’s an undercurrent in the general population, it rages like a beautiful wildfire. Sort of like that 4 of Bows from the Wildwood I drew over the weekend. They are celebrating in what looks to be the midst of a raging fire. Fire is change at it’s finest, representing the burning of passion, the burning away of the old to make for the new, and so much more. The number 4 incidentally represents where we are now…not quite in the harmony of 3 but the change has begun, and 4 is a heart number (4th chakra).

I started using a new deck I had been neglecting this past week. I was afraid I couldn’t read them but it’s surprisingly easy since I read intuitively. I pulled a Body/Mind/Spirit draw, and got Death / Father of Swords / 4 of Cups. This is the Wild Unknown deck so it’s a little abstract and different. The Death card (body)  most likely means a completion, or ending. If not, I guess I’m dying and will see you in the next life! I’m personally hoping for losing some fat, or being healthier (the end of illness). Father of Swords (mind) is a beautiful owl holding a multi-colored sword. Swords are clarity and truth, and can also symbolize ties with others as well as fairness and being analytical. Very appropriate for the Mind card. The 4 of Cups has a rat and symbolizes greed. Since this card was pulled in relation to spirit, it indicates that I am not feeling gratitude for what I already have (Progress I have made?) and simply focus on more. Which is true. I always push for more, the next rung on the ladder, never savoring what I have in this now. I made those mistakes in my prior life (life WITH Erin) and still make them. Just like the Hermit I pulled a few days ago, this tells me to stop and smell the roses. Yes they are pretty, but smelling them really brings them into your reality and brings on the gratitude.

I have to ponder these some more but like this deck. I have no idea why I haven’t been using it. I still like the Rider Waite deck but it seems so lacking depth of meaning now!

This morning I have sent pictures to the lady who is spearheading the Go for the Gold event, and I have to tell you it bummed me out. I don’t look often – I can’t. Pictures and other memories first bring a smile, then tears and my mid-body then sinks way down low. Heart chakra and solar plexus / love and power. Neither of which saved her mind you, which I suppose leaves me consistently disillusioned in at least a small way. I would never have wanted to interfere with Erin’s soul’s plan, but I would gladly have sacrificed my own in order to spend the rest of this physical life with her.

And on that note, I’ve been pondering something that I’m not sure I can fully explain. And maybe I’ve already written about it before but don’t remember, so if so I’m sorry for being a bore. The evolution of Love on our planet has only recently come to fruition don’t you think? This whole ascension thing is all about Love, Christ Consciousness (Unconditional Love), how we feel about our fellow humans and all life, and how we relate and treat each other. I’m not saying that death didn’t affect people before, but did it to THIS DEGREE? Did they feel it this deeply? It was only in the last 100 years or so (don’t quote me) that people began with the idea of marrying for love even. I cannot imagine that their heart chakras fully functioned with the amount of not-love they endured over lifetimes, so is it possible that while we’ve suffered for eons, now we suffer on an even greater, more real level? Is that the straw that breaks the camel’s back so that we fully open to Love?

I did a 6 card draw for myself today with both decks (Wildwood and Wild Unknown) and got a pretty powerful message. If I can focus my physical and mental energy, I can move farther onto my spiritual path. I guess it’s time to smell those roses 🙂

Blessings, and #missingerin <3

 

 

Musings for 8/22/2017

Yesterday I was able to witness the total solar eclipse from Tennessee. I had no definite plans to go but ended up meeting two ladies that I adore, and with Shaun and Erin’s friend AK, our group made 5 total. 5 is a number that I equate with change, and change is just what is on the menu.

Before we can have change though, we need Unity. I noticed last week that many new age writers and such were stating that was the entire message of the eclipse. Why was this eclipse so important? Unity – it unified people all over the world. Oddly, the NASA speaker where we watched the eclipse said nearly the same thing! I take it as a good sign! It really doesn’t matter what unifies folks, I think we can agree we need more unity and less division. Right here and right now, and we got it yesterday. We also got a magical show when the sun was eclipsed by the moon. I tried to get a picture but was unsuccessful. It looked like an ebony black orb outlined by a brilliant white light. Not the yellow tinged light of the sun, but a brilliant white light. It was magical and I enjoyed the time I was able to look upon it without my eclipse glasses.

These days my insides are often too chaotic to tap into any psychic stream of anything, but last night I was able to touch that unity consciousness for a brief second and it was mesmerizing.

On a more serious note, I had pulled cards on Saturday before my outing about the angst I’ve experienced over the past week. Wow at the cards I pulled! The first question was “What is my progress as it relates to my baggage?” (remember – lots of self-criticism and doubt). The second was “Will I let this go by the time of the eclipse?” And finally, a shadow card for more understanding.

For the first question (using the Wildwood deck), I pulled The Seer which has a numerical value of 2. The Seer is sort of like the Magician in the sense that she has all of the tools she needs to accomplish whatever it is that she needs to do. I love that she is linked to the mysteries of the moon and Earth. This is all divinely feminine, and my message is that it’s time to let my power flow and creativity shine. Inner vision and intuition. With all of the self-criticism and doubt, no power was flowing and nothing was growing. The number 2 (or II) is balance in and of itself, so that’s good news.

The second card was The Green Woman with a numerical value of 3. The Green Woman is solar energy and fire, and not only am I a Leo but I had asked specifically about baggage and the eclipse (sun, moon, earth) so that’s pretty cool eh? This is about braving (and passing) her tests in order to earn the inner sovereignty that gives validity to the gifts of the Seer who comes before her. In my case it’s about accepting my true nature, which encompasses many elements of what the Green Woman represents.

On Saturday morning I had just had a conversation about my troubles last week and had adamantly felt that my words and actions were that of my truth and my nature and that I would repeat them again (i.e., give birth to them again). This is very much Green Woman stuff.

The shadow card was the 4 of Bows, Celebration. In this card 4 women are celebrating around a fire. They look as if they are dancing. I must have gotten to where I was going because I was being beckoned for a time of relaxation and celebration. This card is very clear.

I admit I don’t yet feel complete but the bulk of the energy work must have been done. I felt good all day yesterday, only feeling sad and frazzled once and that is another story. I sure hope the portal to Erin is opening, because I just can’t do without her for much longer.

Love, blessings, and #missingerin <3

Musings for 8/19/2017

Thank you so, so much for the kind words yesterday. I am always pleasantly amazed, and I think that is wonderful that I can feel amazement and kindness and love at 46 years old. Those are good things about this world we call home and they would not be possible without each of you who pays it forward.

Also, thank you to those who remembered, and acknowledged, the reasons why my birthday is not ever happy. Not only am I without my baby, but her service was on my birthday. For those who don’t remember why I would have planned such a thing, well, it was ruined anyway and so we planned it when they could accommodate it.

I can be thankful for the turmoil that my post a couple of days ago caused, because while I had a large degree of anxiety (for several reasons) Erin was not at the forefront of my mind at most times this week.

As for the anxiety, it’s not something I can control and it can be triggered by literally anything stressful. That could be dropping a fork on the floor after I pick it up – literally anything. The stress response is generally way off the scales for what the trigger was and it became this way over time the last 3 years. You probably wouldn’t know unless you knew me well enough to see subtle signs. It just feels very crappy, like someone is giving me shock treatment and turning up the dial.

So yesterday, I had a lovely lunch with someone I’ve known a long time. She happens to be a person of color and we spoke about how it is important for people to talk about what is happening with hateful speech and actions in our world. It is very awkward and can be painful, but it’s necessary. I think that maybe, just maybe, that is why it has not been healed yet. We ended slavery, etc. blah blah. And no, none of us here were slaves or owned them. But we’ve never talked about it. Made amends. Said how we feel. Acknowledged how someone else feels. Not as a culture anyway. Not as Earth humans. So let’s do that, let’s heal.

Please do not get me wrong. Slavery was just one issue we as humans have brought into our mass consciousness of right now. Just one, but an important one.

After my liberating lunch conversation, and great company and food, I took a few minutes to grab some items since I was out at Bridge Street. Lo and behold, I was shocked to go into ULTA for powder and eye liner and find my favorite eye liner back in stock! I had not been able to find Rockstar even on the Urban Decay website, but there it was. Yay! And I got a free eye shadow palette. I was on a roll so went down to White House Black Market, where I got a shirt and pair of shorts, both on sale. Finally, I spent too much but loved the shirt I got at Lucky Brand. I also got some oversized hoop ear rings. Totally not like me but I like them. I have eclectic taste anyway.

Then after work, I was able to see Wonder Woman, finally! Yay! It was awesome. I could really feel the Divine Feminine coming in through her. Many people don’t understand divine feminine, or even feminism for that matter (even some feminists). It’s not about dominating the other sex. It’s about adding value to, balancing out, creation, and so much more. Just as we cannot exist alone, neither can we exist without a balance of both polarities. Union. Unity. Love.

I am doing some intense emotional clearing again and hope to be more aware before the eclipse on Monday. I really don’t want to bring such old baggage in with me ya know? You can think of it as like when you are baptized. You are symbolically washed clean, but you still have to do the work to grow, change, and let go. YOU STILL HAVE TO DO THE WORK. And the work sucks let me tell you! But you’ve got to face your demons so to speak to get them the F out of your house for good 🙂

I have to admit that I am surprised that my age old issue of abandonment is up again! Well, it was a core issue that I was pretty much born with, so I should not be surprised. I hope that I can get to the root of this flavor of abandonment sooner than later so I can move on. It’s like, mmmmm, this abandonment takes like pig urine. Different from last time’s dog shit! LOL I’m also still looking at control issues. Being emotionally raw isn’t very pleasant but I see the value and am willing to be a trooper and keep going.

If I had not had the hell that is my life happen to me, I would not be who I am today. There is tremendous value in that. And I would not be able to work on the level of self-healing that I am able to work at. So I am thankful for my life experiences. I believe that now I am about to dive into bloodline or karmic healing. If anyone out there knows a good practitioner who works along these lines, please send their info.

I don’t know if I will be able to write before the eclipse. Tonight I am going to go be joyful and drink beer with friends who I love. If I’m lucky I’ll be able to raise a little hell without disturbing the Force too badly, and I’m really hoping there is some karaoke in my immediate future. So anyway, that’s the long way of me saying I’d love to see you tonight, and if I don’t, have an absolutely magical eclipse experience!

Love and blessings, and #missingerin <3

Musings for 8/17/2017

I pulled some tarot cards from my Wildwood deck today to ask about an issue I’m experiencing, and the first card I pulled was the Four of Vessels – Boredom. This card says “boredom” but specifically speaks about forward motion and how inaction leads to boredom. The question was about “right action” specifically, so here I go, delving into forward motion once again.

The second card was The Forest Lovers. A relationship card, it’s deeper meaning talks about balancing polarities. Now that’s interesting isn’t it? I began my spiritual journey with the Nibiruan Council many years ago, doing emotional clearing for….polarity integration (balancing polarities, or duality). This means within our selves, with others, and of course collectively. I should point out that when I began writing I knew I should write, but had no idea how to start today until I re-examined that card.

The third card was the shadow card, or the card you draw for more information. It is the Ten of Bows – Responsibility. I have also been down that road since those early days, taking responsibility for my words and actions, past and present, and also removing the burden of responsibility for that which isn’t mine to carry.

So let me begin this journey with you today by taking responsibility for my previous blog, which some didn’t like at all. I am not responsible for your feelings, but I do care, and so I want to explain why I laid out some dirty laundry that was uncomfortable to hear.

In order to heal, you’ve got to make amends. But to make amends, you have to take responsibility for the whole enchilada. It’s embarrassing, and painful, and awkward. You need to not sugarcoat it, and you need to be clear instead of dancing around it.

And that’s what I did yesterday for myself, and for my part in what those of white skin color in the South have perpetuated over time. What I did not do is to express it very lovingly. I would like to have done a better job at that, but it’s an ugly topic. How do you say “this is how it is folks” in a loving way and then rip off the band aid? Well I’m not sure, but I’m open to learning. At the very least I gave you the Cliff’s Notes version of how it was my personal experience in my immediate family.

Now I know that many of you have had the same type of experience, and that goes for those who have taken responsibility and those who haven’t. I know that our parents and grandparents did the best they knew how in many respects and for their time period, but that doesn’t make it right. So I cannot loo you in the eye and say to you “That was how it was back then” and believe that it was ok. It wasn’t ok. It’s not ok now. But what I can do is to recognize the difference in context between then and now, and then to move forward to this now because that is what is relevant.

In this now, we must do better as a people. We must make amends, take responsibility, and while doing so to do our best not to act and react in anger. I was appalled by the people kicking the statues they tore down in Virginia. It is the same hatred and extreme behavior that White Nationalists exhibit. Two wrongs don’t make a right, and anger doesn’t beget anything except anger. It’s ok to be angry, but it’s not ok to spew your anger all over the next guy. That’s where taking responsibility comes in, and venting your anger in healthy ways that don’t harm you or others.

Yeah, we’ve got an ugly and inconvenient truth, one of many in our current world. But aren’t you tired of all of this fighting and name calling? All of the hatred and bias? Aren’t you ready for the love and kindness and everything good that it brings? I know I am.

It starts with us. One smile, one kind word, and if it’s all that you can muster, not saying an unkind word. You never know what your energy will snowball into when you put it out into the world. Let it become a big, unstoppable snowball of love <3

Blessings, Love, Peace, and #missingerin <3