Aug 16

Musings for 8/16/2017

I want to start this post by remembering Denise Perkins. Her birthday is today and her friends and family miss her. <3

But the rest of it, some of y’all might not like (repeat that in your best Southern drawl – for you Northerners, something close to Forrest Gump). I just can’t hold it in anymore and so I’m going to give y’all a history lesson while I admonish some of you for your poor behavior. We live in 2017 folks, not 1861, and it’s time that we as Southerners grow up and be the genteel people we’ve always said we were.

So I grew up on racism. I was taught it. Sorry if that embarrasses anyone related to me but you know it’s true. You don’t associate with black people. Why? No good reason given. Not Jews either, or Catholics, or Italians. Who the hell knows why. I know some of you reading this will point out that I have cousins who have Catholic and Italian heritage. I know that, but I also learned the words “wop” and “dego” from my mother, who apparently learned them from hers. I also learned the “N” word from her, and to my dismay have heard fairly close family members use it in the past few years. I am sad for them when I hear it used, and confused. Confused as to why they would denigrate someone that way, and confused as to what to do about it. It’s hard to cut off ties with family, so what do you do?

My mother “grew” later in her life but still did not completely mature to a point where she valued people based on who they were. I can remember using those words at some point, when I was younger, and when I was in the company of adults who I was trying to impress. That’s sad isn’t it? But it’s how we learn. Lucky for me, I was a very mature, intelligent, and strong-willed child who made my own decisions about life and so I abandoned that early-on. I did not, however, abandon the love of the mystique of the South and all that goes with that until I was an adult. Southern pride is drilled in at an early age. I would assume that even for Southern people of color, they might rip someone a new one who ragged on some of our traditions. We may be somewhat divided down here, but we’re not so much culturally divided.

Before I go on, I’ll also tell you that I learned pride in general from my mother. You don’t admit you are wrong. You don’t share your dirty laundry. You don’t own up – you DEFEND. And you do it fiercely and loudly. You may even do it physically, but even if you aren’t planning on it, you let someone know you’ll whip (or whoop!) their ass if they don’t stop whatever it is that they are doing. And you blame them. Isn’t the “War of Northern Aggression” to blame for all of our troubles? **said tongue in cheek**

I should also mention for anyone who hasn’t read the other thousand times I have mentioned it that I was a history major. No, American history wasn’t my favorite but every one in the south has civil war history multiple times. I’m no exception. So listen to me when I say that if you are not well-versed on what you are blabbing about history and what you think people are trying to do today, you need to STFU and go read some books. Read a variety because you know that history is written by the victor, and you need to get a good sample. Then you can chime in with your informed opinion. You might also want to read about the Jim Crow era of the South and the socioeconomic repercussions of that on top of the effects of slavery. Then I’ll entertain what you have to say.

Yeah, legally the civil war was started over states rights. But do you understand what the rights were? The right to own slaves. Yes, I know that slaves have been all ethnic groups over most of history. But seriously folks – you cannot talk about the civil war without acknowledging the truth, and it’s ugly. We fought it for the right to own slaves. I’m sure a small percentage had other reasons, but you need to just say this out loud, to you, and then learn to get over that ugly truth. And shit, do any of you really agree with owning slaves? I don’t care if it’s now or 1000 years ago, if you advocate for keeping anyone as a slave you have failed as a human. Unfriend me now, and please never come back to my page, because I do not want you in my energy field.

Now let’s talk about Robert E. Lee. By the way, my great grandfather was named for him – Robert E. Lee Dempsey. His father supposedly knew Lee and so named his son for him. That was of great pride back then I’m sure, and I really could care less about it. I’m not ashamed or prideful. Robert E. Lee was fairly honorable for his time-period, but he did own slaves, and there are accounts of him “making them do their duty” and of him punishing them. And, um, he was a traitor. He may have been pardoned, but for all of you who are yelling and screaming about today’s politics blah blah, when Lee decided to fight for Virginia, he became a traitor to the United States of America. He committed treason. I’m restating that in case anyone missed it. If at this point you are saying “But…” stop right there. There are no buts. He was a slave owner and he committed treason.

I am well-aware of what the constitution says about fighting an unjust government. But how do you justify them being unjust in trying to end slavery? You don’t and you can’t. So if you are still saying “But…” maybe you need to rethink what sort of person you are.

So bottom line here folks…it’s absolutely not appropriate to have statues of Lee or Jefferson Davis or anyone else from the Confederacy in government buildings anywhere in this country, because they were treasonous and lost the war AGAINST THE UNITED STATES. It was an internal war yes, but it was against the Union. And guess what? That does not mean that anyone is trying to cover up history. It happened. They were a part of it. And they belong in history books, and in museums, and perhaps even at Civil War battlefield sites. But they do not belong in government buildings, parks, etc. Because they were traitors and fought against the Union. Did you get that? Not because they were slave owners. But I’ll tell you, they lost my respect just for being slave owners.

If you’re still saying but…well I have no words for you.

And my dear readers, if any of you have said “but…” or anything else to explain away the recent white supremacist activity, then go have a deep look at yourself in the mirror. We fought an entire war over that, too and it’s NOT ok. None of that rhetoric is ok, nor is the behavior. If you are still saying “but…” please quietly unfriend me and unsubscribe here. I’d rather not know you are such an asshole.

Please learn some history folks, and dig deeper than the headlines on the news. I read – I read a lot. And I know things. (Yeah, I drink and I know things. Pretty much my super power.) And knowledge is power just like the School House Rock said.

Peace and love to you. I don’t know what to do here…doing nothing doesn’t seem right but neither does spreading hate. So for now, I’ll spread knowledge. Love and blessings and #missingerin (who is probably very glad she is not here at this particular space and time)

Aug 14

Not Amused on 8/14/2017

So I posted on my Missingerin.net site, but I don’t fully express there because there is always the chance that one of her friends might be reading it. I do not want a child to have to be exposed to the immense feelings of grief and well, negativity that it brings.

At home, we can’t even talk about it. It. This. I guess we could but why possibly throw the other into an even deeper depression? There is no point. I know how deeply sad Shaun is and he knows how deeply sad I am. I admit sometimes just blurting it out would make me feel better, but again, what if he’s having a good moment right then? I don’t want to drag him down with me. It’s hard enough every morning to lift yourself out of the hole from the previous day.

I took 2 melatonin last night and they didn’t even touch whatever biological processes were going on in my body. I finally went to sleep, but didn’t stay asleep. I did dream but I don’t know what it was. It felt like busy work, just something to pass the time. I pulled weeds in my yard most of yesterday to pass the time, but even that made me think of Erin. When we first moved in here, I spent the first summer pulling weeds because our sod was so awful.

I really hate this damn anniversary. It is really no different than any other day, but it’s a definite reminder of why I’m sad every other day. I dread the days before it and will recover in the days after it. To my friend who suggested I get angry…I’m angry today. I can’t put the anger into words but I’m angry.

Please think of Shaun and I today. This calendar date is a reminder of the worst day of our lives and the reason for the prison that we will live in until these bodies expire. We haven’t forgotten any of your kindness and we appreciate it immensely. And please think of any other parent you know who has lost their baby, no matter what age. Just send your love, and tell them you are thinking of them. Give them a hug. You can never make them feel better but you can keep them going.

As you can see I have no flow today, so I’ll just end here. I love you all <3 #missingerin

Aug 09

Musings for 8/9/2017

I would have written yesterday but I was too busy all day. I spent all of my work day at the Civic Center at a symposium I’m working this week, and then did a much needed hour of yoga when I got home. That and dinner ate up my entire evening.

I still had time for contemplation yesterday, though. Some of you who don’t follow astrology or other esoteric areas may not know that it was the 8:8 Lion’s Gate, although the energy is still pulsating through the etheric as I write this. We’ve had a really energetic month so to speak. There was a lunar eclipse on 8/7 and then the Lion’s Gate on 8/8. Here is a nice synopsis on the Lion’s Gate. This has been recognized for thousands of years as on this date Sirius is the brightest star in the sky and lines up with the Giza pyramids. I did not know it many years ago when I was given the name Blue Star Services (which I changed to Blue Star Home later), but the Blue Star is Sirius. Yes, there are many blue stars but Sirius is my blue star.

The article I linked to above talks about 8:8 being an equalizer and while that is true, this time is also about transformation. I suppose the transformation will lead to more balance and so it makes sense that the energy of 8 balances things out (equalizes). I have been striving these past few days to balance myself out (see my last blog post), and am having a hard time. I hope that the current energies help me find the doorway I can’t yet see. There’s a part of me that won’t let go of self-blame and the misery that goes with not being able to let yourself off the hook. So I will explore that more this week, but I know it’s in progress, which is a good thing.

I’m at least half-way there. I can look at past situations and see how I learned and grew, and how I am now different because of them. Even the worst things in this life brought me tremendous value in that sense. I had an epiphany about one of my past life memories I uncovered during a lengthy regression a few years ago and I realized that I have been dealing with control my entire conscious existence. In this “lifetime,” I realized how unfair controlling someone else’s destiny was, and I willingly gave it up. And in this one, I’ve constantly been trying to gain control over my own while realizing I’ve never had control to begin with. Where that one is going I have no idea, but that is also being transformed during this energetic portal.

The Lion’s Gate officially ends on 8/14, Erin’s transition day. But the energies continue through the eclipse. I’ll write more on this later. Gotta go – work calls <3

Namaste and #missingerin more than words can say.

Aug 07

Musings for 8/7/2017

Well I keep hearing we have to leave our baggage if we’re willing during this month of August. I guess on some level I must be willing but on this conscious level, I’m dang confused. I’m also laughing at myself because I tend to have issues come up that I have to confront head on just like that, even though they have been there for a long time. By just like that, I mean I got something in my mind and cannot let go of it. It’s actually causing me a stomach ache, which is why I’m here writing to get it out.

Now the trigger is rather stupid, and I’m almost ashamed to tell you what it is but it was the trigger that got me going down this road so I’ll share it. Saturday night I went to a local place that has beer and bands and was having a lovely time. That is until I went to the bathroom and came back, and decided I’d take the shortcut across the dance floor. There was plenty of room for me to walk but somehow in the middle someone elbowed me and my beer spilled all over the front of me. I was like what a bummer and kept going. But before I could get back to Shaun and company, some really mad lady comes up behind me and yells “You spilled your beer all over me!” To which I replied calmly “I did not, someone spilled my beer on me.” So she yelled and repeated it and I more firmly said the same thing adding “And I didn’t even bother to get mad or mention it.”

Well after that, I was very uncomfortable. I was a little afraid this lady was going to catch me and act a fool next time I went to the bathroom (someone actually walked me to the bathroom the next time), and I was wondering had I in fact been the cause of this stuff? I still cannot see how I was. I figure that she probably elbowed me and her beer spilled and mine too. Anyway, now on to the root cause.

The one thing I took away from that experience was the feeling that I had when I very firmly said “No I didn’t do that.” It was one of conviction that was spontaneous and I felt it deeply. But what I’ve done since then is second, third, fourth, etc. guess myself. I have gone over the memory in my mind. I’ve wondered why I just didn’t apologize to her saying “I’m sorry that happened.” Or something? I have reviewed her outfit, her hair, all sorts of things. I have literally said “No I didn’t” out loud in an attempt to convince myself of something I already know but cannot live through my being.

And this isn’t the first time. I sometimes go over conversations I had 30 years ago (seriously – that long!) and dissect them and then feel bad for things that I really have no idea are mine to feel badly for. Even things I am only partially responsible for, I take full responsibility and bear the emotional load. I have been doing this since I was a child and one counselor called it being the “vent” for my family. I vented a lot but usually it wasn’t anything that was mine. Say someone would not want to tell my mother something, well I would tell her. I took responsibility that was not mine and I was asked to tell her in particular things a lot.

It doesn’t matter that I have done the best I could at any given moment (and yes, times that I haven’t given my best too). It doesn’t matter that I’m not the same person I was then. I’m being eaten alive by shoulds and coulds, and the event this weekend really just brought it to my attention in a big way.

To the lady who got her drink spilled on her – I am sorry you got wet. I’m fairly sure it was not my fault, or at least not all of my fault. But from this moment on, I, Nicole Leigh Hunt Canter, release anything that is not mine back to whence it came. And I refuse to take on anything that is not mine in the future.

I felt a release, but I feel a deeper layer to my problem. UGH. Almost time for dinner, and my flow is over.

Love, Blessings, and Namaste #missingerin

 

 

Aug 05

Musings for 8/5/2017

I realized that I in fact did not finish my lament two days ago. I meant to write yesterday but got distracted when the cable/internet went out for FIFTEEN HOURS just around 3:30 pm yesterday. We knew how long it was out because Shaun couldn’t sleep and was up when it came back on. I think #Comcast owes a lot of customers a #Refund .

I also didn’t sleep well the night before. I don’t sleep well when I have any deviation in what’s going on around me and he went out for a co-worker’s last day of work. You would think being home alone would lend to a great start on my night’s sleep but nope, when I’m alone without an end-time I tend to self-destruct. Anyway, that led not only to a poor night’s sleep but then being overly tired, which nixed the nap I tried to take and also caused me to sleep poorly last night. And oh – thanks Comcast for the no-go on yoga since I do it streamed from Gaia.com. Enough about Comcast. Maybe I got that out of my system.

So I had to actually speak to the neighbors who have lived behind me for nearly a year this morning. I was at my bird feeder and was unfortunately eye-level with the guy, who turned around and stared at me as he watered something. I said “Hi” and waved and I don’t think he spoke, which is fine. I have avoided them. I’m the buzzkill who meets someone new and then says “My child died” when asked. Trust me…that breakfast I attended this week on the first day of school was just that and a living, breathing mistake. It was lovely telling all of those young moms that my child died when they asked me to make conversation. I could say I don’t have any, and have once recently, but shit I do have one and she’s just not here. I wonder what they thought when I changed the subject? I have wondered that a lot as I plow through to another topic without even saying thank you when they say I’m sorry. Some days I just can’t.

By the way, I did enjoy meeting a few ladies at that breakfast. I also was told one very heart-warming and uplifting story by one and appreciated it very much. And if anyone is wondering, I work mobile so I was checking email the entire time (that’s my disclaimer – I don’t want to get fired any more than you do lol!).

I’ve told you about the start of my days, the middle of any given day, but not about the end of each day. When we finally settle in to watch television (sometimes it’s games, but always TV at some point), there is some relief. Except for the barrage of MF’ing Humira commercials (that’s another story), the baby diaper commercials, anything with sad music, most things heart warming, etc. etc. and blah blah blah. I literally cannot hit fast forward fast enough. But I persevere and watch the next mind-numbing thing that comes on. I shouldn’t say that…watching someone else’s story is an escape from mine and I only watch what really grabs me.

And then it’s time to get in bed, where I have to relive all of the times that Erin wanted to sleep with us and I wasn’t pleased (I can’t sleep with a lot of folks in the bed) and I acted ugly or said no. Or the memories of her calling out in pain because her back hurt and no one knew why. We even thought she was making it up for awhile. Or nearly every night when she would show up next to my bed needing something. Why didn’t I sleep with her more when she was sick? Why did I try to maintain normalcy to the point that I was perhaps unfeeling? Why didn’t I know she was dying? And then finally, I say to the darkness and with my eyes open – “I love you Erin. I miss you. I hope you sleep good.” Every night, without fail except for a few times when I’ve been too drunk to do anything but shut my eyes (and that’s only been a few times, because I’m not a regular drinker), for somewhere around 1000 or more days. I guess I’ll do it every night until I see her again.

I think I’ve finally figured out why parents cannot move forward after the death of their child’s body. Fathers share their DNA with their babies, and as we all know DNA can communicate across time and space. It’s been proven. So they feel the loss down to their DNA. But mothers, we grew them in our bodies for 9 months. We share so much more than just DNA, and in my case I fed her from my bosom for 11 months. I realize that not every human feels love for their offspring, but for most of us, we not only share DNA but we share an unbreakable bond of love. This is the closest physically that we ever get to the reality that we are all one, and when part of you is no longer accessible to touch, hug, and see, it is beyond devastating.

I was listening to something about New Earth the other day, and the person said that some have left their bodies (i.e., died) here so that they could go first and call to us to come over. Missing Erin has surely convinced me to be the best version of me that I can be, no matter how much pain I’m in. I don’t always succeed but I have no other desire than to be in service until one day when we can be in service together. To be love until I can be love for and to Erin. And if that helps one person, or many, then I think when I shed this body I will be able to say I succeeded. So I hold on to those things and to your love and kindness, because it’s all I’ve got to keep me going.

I really, really do deeply appreciate every kind word, sentiment, and just everything that each and every one of you have sent my way (and Shaun too). I do not forget them or you, and while at this point there are too many to mention I do not forget and I want to ensure that I express my appreciation in the best way words will allow. I feel I’m failing at that here but hopefully you can feel it even if the words don’t reflect it.

For those of you who may wonder, Erin would be 13 years old and starting the 8th grade. She would be 14 in December. Maybe she is 13 – I don’t know how you age on the “other side.” She visits me in dream time sometimes and looks age appropriate. But I don’t care. I would love her if she was 90 years old just the same.

Namaste, and #missingerin <3

Aug 03

Musings for 8/3/2017

Despite my best efforts, this month is taking a toll on me. I am very tired, achy, and right now have a smashing case of brain fog. It’s true that ignoring something doesn’t make it go away or better, but sometimes you just have to not consciously think about things.

I literally think of Erin mostly all day every day. As soon as I wake up, I say Good morning Erin. I pass her room, sometimes boldly looking inside and retreating when the tears flow. I think of her when I do my morning routine, when I look in the pantry and see her shelf (even though it has our stuff on it now). I had cereal this morning for the first time in almost 3 years and I thought of her. I thought of her when I was on the cereal aisle, too.

I think of her when I see something she might like, or something silly, or something I know she did like. I think of her when there is something new – a new restaurant, store, etc. that she would have liked. Etc. etc. but that brings up new problems… It’s painful for me to go to places Erin liked. It’s also painful to go to places she would have liked. Every new experience is #missingerin and so it’s a real bummer.

I have to skip over songs I’ve loved for years because she loved them. If I have to explain that for you (I’ve had to explain the concept before…) it’s because it f’ing makes me cry, and shit, I can’t cry all f’ing day every day. That takes a toll for sure. I see families in the grocery store and I try to manage a smile as I stare in the other direction. The inner dialogue is something like “That’s a nice family. I had a family once. I don’t have a family now. I miss Erin.” etc. etc. and while that happens in like a split second, it really sucks. I still get upset when I use a public restroom – every damn time. Some of you may remember that while she was 10 years old, I did not let her go alone into the bathroom. I didn’t trust other people to not harm my baby, so I kept an eye on her and at least stood outside waiting.

Can’t go to the pool – I try sometimes but it’s always a bummer. Can’t go hiking – bummer. Riding bikes – bummer. Walking in our neighborhood – bummer. Passing the school, seeing pictures of our family friends, going in our back yard, the list never ends.

And oh, sick children…if your child is sick I am more sorry than I can bear to tell you and probably somewhat conflicted about the fact that they get better. Don’t get me wrong, I do not want anyone to be in the club I am in and I wouldn’t wish that on you for any amount of money. But moving on, I also cannot bear to be involved in the whole affair of child sickness unless I absolutely have to. It’s like giving blood. I don’t like needles, especially those big ones. I do not give blood, but I’d suck it up and give it to you if you needed my blood. I suck it up and visit people I care about in hospitals, go to funerals, and will offer my love and support as best as I can for your sick child. But you probably won’t hear from me, and I’m sorry. I’m somewhat ashamed of that but it’s the best I can do, and I’ve learned that I can only do as much as I can do without having a nervous breakdown.

Erin not being here permeates my entire life. And Shaun’s too. I’ll speak for him here because I know it’s true. Even though I firmly believe I will see her again and soon, it’s been over 1000 days since I have seen her, heard her voice, held her hand. That is tough and mostly unbearable. I miss you Erin. Every minute of every day.

For those local, please consider honoring Erin by going to the Go for the Gold event here at McMullen Cove on September 16. You can walk or run or just attend in support.

Namaste and #missingerin <3

Jul 31

Musings for 7/31/2017 and Mexico Trip!

Nohoch Mul, Coba

Hola peeps! Hehe, I said that so much last week I am still in Mexico mode. I think it’s nice to speak the language of where you are visiting when you can. It’s respectful, and considering that most of the world took it upon them to learn English, I try to reciprocate the courtesy.

I should have written sooner but had foggy brain after coming back. I was asked several times about the energies of the ruins and such, and the truth was I was in such a hurry while I was there that I didn’t have time to savor or even attempt to feel it. But now I can tell you and will do so with a short story. I climbed to the top of Nohoch Mul, pictured over there <<<. Consider that when we found out how little time we had, in this site of over 70 square miles, we immediately rented bicycles to ride to it. It was probably around 2 miles to the pyramid from where we rented the bikes. I have not done strenuous exercise since last November due to my adrenal fatigue, and anyway when I try my muscles fatigue very quickly. But we literally raced on those bikes, on bumpy gravel roads, to this pyramid. Then we very quickly climbed 130 steps (about 130 feet) because we couldn’t miss our bus. I was in the zone until I reached the top and then very promptly got bitten by an ant on my underarm! I think it hitched a ride on the way up. I rested approximately 3 minutes before climbing down and then biking back and quickly walking to the bus area.

All of that said, also keep in mind that bending over and pulling weeds for about 10 minutes the day before I left for the trip had the backs of my poor legs aching for a day or so.

I expected to return to the hotel that evening completely exhausted due to overtaxing my adrenal glands. It could have set me back on the months I have spent healing my body. But oddly enough, I had no muscle pain, and I had no enduring fatigue. And looking back, I was in “my flow” the entire trip. I felt good and I only got slightly red one day. You all know how fair I am…I didn’t wear sunscreen except in the morning the day of the pyramid trip and didn’t even get red. Oh, and no bug bites except that one when I was out of whack. So I would say that the energies were fabulous upon fabulous.

On top of that, Coba felt like a home away from home. I am sure I was there in another time and while I felt I have visited Tulum before (called Zama apparently though we call it Tulum), I felt I spent more time in Coba and honestly would have been fine walking around the jungle. I felt wonderfully at ease there and highly recommend it. I made my pictures public – hope it works so click here to see them.

I have also been desperately trying to ignore it, but I’m in the season of doom and gloom again. Two weeks from tomorrow is Erin’s angelversary, and truly she was the only thing missing from our wonderful vacation. I know that many people probably think that we don’t think of her every second of the day but we do, and that’s nearly literally true. Sometimes I get careless and say out loud “I miss you Erin” or “I love you Erin” when I’m in a bathroom stall, or somewhere else that I am semi-private and forget others are close. I wonder if they hear me? Even though I have shared it publicly, my grief is a private thing in many ways. When people say they are sorry, I almost completely ignore it these days because to acknowledge it would open up the flood gate for tears that I only let loose these days when I can no longer hold them in. I do you a disservice, and me one, when I do that, but much of my behavior is survival based and so I mean no disrespect. I bear an unbearable burden, and I dig myself out of a hole each day, starting with when I open my eyes.

Basically, I am #missingerin in everything I do, and Shaun too. Some days I have a lot of avoidance to stay afloat. It’s just one of those things. It doesn’t matter that I believe with all of my heart that I will see her soon. She’s not here now. It’s hard to deal with that.

There were previously so many things I wanted to say today but they are all gone from my flow now. I will try again tomorrow.

Love and blessings, Namaste, and #missingerin <3

Jul 15

Musings for 7/15/2017

I have been out of town and otherwise engaged recently and at one point was going to write offline on an airplane, but decided to play Candy Crush instead and finish listening to Keepers of the Garden by Dolores Cannon. If you aren’t familiar with her work, it’s phenomenal and this was a very good “introduction” book. I usually prefer the written word to an audio book, but I really enjoyed listening to this (Audible has it if you have the app).

I’ve been familiar with Dolores and bits and pieces of her work for years, but have never actually read one of her books. I began listening to this one last year and wasn’t interested so I moved on, but something brought me back to it when I began this trip. I guess I was finally ready to hear the information. I bring this up because my recent trip was a fascinating journey and so much more than the obvious business trip. I set out on a Sunday mid-day on my way to Atlanta to stay with my Aunt Shirley. I saved the company money by not flying out of Huntsville, and got to stay and have a short visit with her, so it was a win-win. The last time I went to her house alone, I had begun Keepers of the Garden and also let my Maps app take me off the beaten path. It was very dark, and a lot of back roads. I wasn’t comfortable at all and finally ended up on a road that I had traveled on Erin’s last pleasure trip to Alpharetta, GA to go to the American Girl store. That was before Aunt Shirley lived there, but anyway, the point is that after some inner rebellion at the book and the route I found myself on a familiar route, and one that brought tears to my eyes for several reasons.

This time when I set out, I punched in her address and saw the route I had taken before. I’ll take it, I thought, and it should be a pretty route in the daylight. Indeed it was! I rather enjoyed the rivers and mountains and scenery as I went along and did not get uneasy until I found myself in a off path area near Alpharetta that was very rural but had what looked like expensive estates, many which looked like horse farms. It was a pretty area, and I was resolved to let the GPS take me there.  But I breathed a sigh of relief when I turned on to Main Street.

When I landed in Baltimore, it was a similar story. Immediately from the airport, I was thrust into neighborhoods. Go .3 miles and take a left turn, .7 miles and take a right, etc. etc. They were nice areas…until they weren’t! At one point I came upon a huge prison that was on both sides of the two lane road. I wasn’t sure if I was mistakenly heading into a dead end there or passing through. I was passing through, but it didn’t help that there was a car “following” me since the airport. I was relieved when I noticed it going another direction…finally.

The rest of my trip was fairly normal as far as travel routes go. I guess the universe knew I was a little spent LOL! For several reasons, though, I had a sad, memory filled day. So after I deplaned and went to the bathroom, I just aimlessly walked in some direction. Before I knew it, I had walked – with very blistered and sore feet mind you – to the end of the terminal. So then I had to turn around and walk back the entire length of the terminal just to get to the Plane Train. UGH.

I was telling my aunt about my journey, and how I knew I was supposed to notice that I was off the beaten path. I’m still pondering it, and I had another experience on my ride home. I left Alpharetta yet another way, through some of the same areas, but realized that I had driven an hour without the foggiest idea where I was, and that rural Georgia has a lot of “All Way” stop signs. I suppose I was following my “guidance” (GPS) just as one would on a spiritual journey. Thankfully I had minimal fear and paid attention enough to find my way. If I took a wrong turn, I got rerouted. I also finished the book.

Yesterday I decided to pull a card from my Wildwood deck to see if I got the correct message from my experience. I pulled The Moon on Water (numerically an 18). On the card, the moon reflects across the land and water in the dusk sky. You can just vaguely see your pathway, and of course the water reflects emotions and the collective unconscious. I’m still learning the intricacies of the Wildwood, but the book says that it “heralds a time of inner transformation, initiation, or awareness. This may take the form of a seemingly random situation based in the emotional or spiritual spheres…”

Also, 18=9 which is a number of completion. I had a trans-formative situation in a personal relationship yesterday also, which is a completion of sorts (as I completed one phase and transitioned to another).

On a deeper level, I can now see that I am learning to be less fearful of the journey or process and oddly, of the outcome too. You would think that I knew my outcome (destination) but without knowing the way, I was unsure of where I would end up! I also kept allowing the GPS to route me when I actually had the ability to choose another route. So I was open to the process in a way I had not been before. In the past I have said I need to know the outcome, and I can endure the journey. I really had no idea that they were so connected as I had not viewed them that way previously.

As a side note, I mentioned a relationship transformation.While relationships are obviously joint efforts, I reached a point where I no longer need to assign responsibility or blame for anything in the past. I just know I want to proceed differently, and both parties can take responsibility for our actions and reactions and proceed accordingly. Why do I need to remind, or be reminded, of past shortcomings? My heart knows the way…that’s all I need to know now. No more negative stimuli is needed to learn.

Apparently I am now finished here today, as the flow is gone. Blessings and love, and #missingerin <3

Jul 05

Musings for 7/5/2017

I began this earlier this morning but knew at the time that I didn’t know quite what my topic was. Now I do so onward and upward!

Lately I’ve been struggling with world view, my view of daily reality, and the way others view reality. It must be true that we create our own reality since so many of us see things differently (i.e., perception, which creates your reality). But at the same time, we all pretty much live in the same world with the same things going on day after day. So I won’t dare to give you the new age mumbo jumbo that you create your reality and have you think that you can magically pop out of this hell to some nearby heaven. Hey, maybe you can! That’s my aim, but as far as I know that miracle isn’t happening physically for us yet, and so we experience reality based on our attitude(s), which directly govern our actions and reactions.

I could also say that there are those of us who view the world based on Love, and those of us who view it based on Fear. But that’s not exactly correct either, since most things really are not black and white. They are a whole lot of gray, and it’s complicated. Our emotional and mental bodies probably look like a wad of different color cords in the network closet where you work, and one day when you finally decide that you want to get a handle on things, you gotta spend awhile sorting those out. You untangle one at a time and try to label them and group them accordingly, and in the end you understand where each one originates and ends, and what might break if that cable gets damaged. It’s the same with our emotional issues, and we do view the world based on our emotional issues.

Some easy examples include people who have been discriminated against might be hyper-sensitive to discrimination. They may see it everywhere. The woman who has been raped develops a fear of all men. Someone who fears or has experienced poverty might “sell you out” to someone who promises them food for their family. Here’s one for you – when I was young my mother told me that people who had dogs in their homes were nasty and that their homes stunk. I had nothing to base this on but remember being very judgmental of people who had dogs in their home. Thankfully I outgrew that issue and have had as many as 2 dogs and 2 cats at one time. I think I cleaned up pretty well, but don’t care if my house stunk. I loved them.

By the way, this was based on a fear of what other people would say/think about me if my house stunk or they thought I had a dog. The judgment of others reflects how we judge ourselves many times.

It has occurred to me today, while pondering the differences that we point out and highlight in others, that pretty much none of us are 100% one ethnic group. Have you ever done a DNA test? You will find that you have genes from a ton of groups. For instance, I am something like less than 2% West European Jew. There was a time in my lineage in which that fact alone would have been cause for keeping a secret. I think I’ll celebrate my diverse background instead.

I guess I am somewhat surprised at the direction of my train of thought today, but it probably makes more sense to remind everyone that we are all related, someway somehow. Maybe talking about the Christ Consciousness and Unconditional Love is too big of a thing to start off with, eh? So just remember that we are all related. We all have something in common and what isn’t in common can be quite interesting if you take time to learn about it. We don’t need to argue about things we have no direct experience with, or things we don’t know about. In the words of an article I recently read, just don’t be an asshole. And hey, we all have one (something in common) **smile**

Blessings and love <3 #missingerin

*****I came across this wonderful interview (click here) with Sandra Walter about an hour after publishing. She talks about how things are no longer black/white or in duality anymore around 13 minutes in. Enjoy!

 

Jun 28

Musings for 6/28/2017

Ah, hello good people. I wanted to write you yesterday but ran out of time (and just to be completely honest, I ran out of time yesterday 6/27 and so am finishing this up today). It’s been a weekend of anxiety for me and then I got a sore throat, but the good news is that I figured out the emotional cause of what’s ailing me.

I participated in a discussion on Saturday where I asked a couple of questions, but instead of getting an answer I got mostly replies that I was misinformed, needed to read this or that (subjects which I was already knowledgeable in so no, I didn’t read), and a bunch of “either you’re with or against us” type replies. Ouch. But mostly ouch because I felt unheard. I asked two valid questions, neither of which were answered and were barely acknowledged. And I really did want to know the answers to them. I wasn’t just dissenting in other words.

Backup to last week when I also felt unheard and completely dismissed in another verbal discussion. Ouch on that one too. I haven’t felt that way to that degree since my college boyfriend told me that everything I said was stupid and no one wanted to hear anything I had to say. No, I didn’t recognize verbal abuse then and yes, it left an imprint I haven’t cleared away yet.

I guess it always surprises me when new layers of old issues I thought were cleared up come back. But I will be glad to clear my throat chakra and this unpleasant feeling issue now that it’s been brought to my attention. I’m still not entirely sure how to stop “pushing against” because naturally, we have all have a need to feel heard and understood. But after a back and forth discussion with TZ, I think I’ve got it. “I love feeling heard and understood.” “I feel heard and understood.” I can flip this to the positive in several different ways I think and now I’m ready to heal it. (See how helpful writing can be? **smile**)

As I typed that, I had such a strong feeling to go with it. I thought of my dear friend Sowelu, who I haven’t spoken with in awhile and by the way, if you are reading this Sowelu, I love you! <3 And I thought, I so need to reconnect with my soul family that I haven’t spoken with in awhile. I had to go out and collect the other ones, but it’s time to come home. Wow, what a deep healing I’m going through!

I apologize for fast forwarding again and making this disjointed, but I got interrupted yesterday (6/27) right about here and had to table this for today. That was perfect though, because I had even more understanding and healing come my way. Shaun’s aunt is very old and very sick and we had occasion to speak with her immediate family yesterday. One of them said something like “That’s just life, and you’re supposed to be better because of it” when referring to death. Later I said to Shaun, you know, I don’t need more death in my life to be better. I now know what I’m supposed to do to be better and I can do that with more positive experiences as my guideposts.

Then he reminded me of something he said last week. He said that he no longer needed to watch racist movies to know that racism is wrong. Or sad animal movies to know that we should treat animals with kindness and love. He gave a few more examples but you get the picture, and boy was it profound for me. I have read about places and spaces (not here on Earth) where you still get to learn and grow but with positive experiences not negative ones. And holy hell, I’m ready for that! Since I live here on Earth, I’m guessing that I have helped to anchor some of that positivity into this space/time. I’m just awestruck by what a different world I now live in.

And yes, that relates to my stopped up head and sore throat. After we got home and I mentioned how awestruck I was again, my throat began vibrating. It was so cool but also so different that I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I had to just sit and let it pass. I guess my throat isn’t as sore today and I’ve never gotten the fever Shaun had, so apparently I don’t need to experience any more sickness to get the point either.

On that note, I may have mentioned my knee last week. They thought I had a torn or thin meniscus but it turns out I have arthritis under my kneecap. Plus weak leg muscles which don’t keep the kneecap in place. Arthritis is really lots of inflammation, and so I have started a regime of Young Living essential oils to deal with that. Here’s what I’m using – and it’s working!

5 drops Helichrysum

5 drops Peppermint

5 drops Wintergreen

5 drops German Chamomile (this one is photo sensitive – don’t use it and be in the sun!)

Just drop these in a roller bottle and apply 3-4 times a day. I’ve been using this 3-4 days now and my knee is tons better. I know because I can walk up the stairs with no pain. I’m also using it on a spot on my lower spine that causes sciatic pain for me, and I haven’t had that either in 3-4 days. I am also layering Lemongrass and Frankincense a few times per day, and using Coconut oil as a carrier oil when I have the time to do so. By the way, I got the recipe for this inflammation and tissue healing mix from this website.

I may have more to say later, but right now my full sinuses are really messing with my clarity. Love and blessings to you all! <3 #missingerin <3